Hell's Kitchen, 8/29/11

Timed Challenge
-- Jennifer’s vs Tommy’s: they both tasted great, but since Jennifer thought she’d cooked hers improperly and Tommy wowed Gordon with the duck egg, I thought Tommy should have won that one.
-- Paul’s vs Elizabeth’s: That seemed a draw. So of course Gordon gave it to the blue team, so we’d need tiebreaker.
-- Will’s vs Bitchy Elise’s: her undercooked calamari dish loses for the red team. And she starts weeping like a fricking baby. “Stop crying,” Gordon moaned, his voice dripping with irritation. Thanks for saying that, Gordon. On behalf of PLANET EARTH.


Dinner Service
This is not going to be a good night. Elizabeth is, like, not there from the beginning. Tommy ruins the salads. Bitchy Elise makes good risotto, but then she and Elizabeth accidentally ruin Jennifer’s course with bad plating. (“He’s making me nervous!” Bitchy Elise bleats as an excuse. *eye roll*) Elizabeth’s chicken is ready entirely too soon. Tommy rocks his Wellingtons. YAY TOMMY. So does Bitchy Elise, but Jennifer accidentally messes up the potatoes. The blue team’s desserts are perfect, but Bitchy Elise accidentally ruins Jennifer’s apples. And yes, I keep saying “accidentally” intentionally, because I don’t think anybody was screwing up on purpose … though I loved the Bitchy Elise-Jennifer showdown that the apples caused, lol.

Elimination
The blue team guys practically started floating after they received their black jackets. Understandable. Boy, has it been a long road. Jennifer, Bitchy Elise, and Elizabeth on the chopping block! Based on tonight’s performance, they should all go home in a triple elimination, lol. But Bitchy Elise has been in the bottom way more than the other two. Surely, Gordon … YAAAAAAAAY! Jennifer’s still in it! Oh. :( So is the bitch. :( Oh well. The longer Gordon drags out her inevitable sacking, the more glorious it will be when it finally happens. Buh bye, Elizabeth.

Movie Review: Columbiana, 8/27/11

Revenge, revenge, and more revenge. This movie serves it up in heaps and piles. And as the bullets fly and the body count rises, a new action hero emerges.

Columbiana opens with nine-year-old Cataleya witnessing her parents’ murder in Bogota, then escaping their killers in a delightfully fast-paced chase scene that rivals any from in the Bourne movies — and that awesome one in the beginning of Casino Royale. Little orphan Cataleya then makes her way to her Uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis: 10,000 B.C., Live Free or Die Hard) in Chicago and informs him, “I want to be a killer.”

Fast forward to fifteen years and a whole lot of dead bodies later; all-grown-up Cataleya (Zoe Saldana: Avatar, Star Trek) is an ass-kicking, gun-toting assassin who, in addition to taking her uncle’s assignments, has a pet project: killing everyone involved with murdering her parents. Also in the mix are an artist boyfriend (Michael Vartan: Alias, Hawthorne), who doesn’t even know that he doesn’t even know her real name, and an FBI agent (Lennie James: Snatch, The Walking Dead) hot on her trail.


I suppose all the comparisons to 1994’s The Professional — also directed by Luc Besson, also about a female seeking revenge after her family is killed — are inevitable, but honestly, the movies aren’t at all similar. The Professional is about a 12-year-old girl. Cataleya is a grown woman, hear her roar, and
her cold-blooded settling of scores is better compared to the bad-assery of Uma Thurman's and Linda Hamilton's characters in Kill Bill and Terminator 2. Oh, and lest we get bored with simple shootings, we’re treated to a goodly array of murder methods: one bad guy is killed by his pet sharks; another is electrocuted in the bathtub; etc.


Good acting is often sorely lacking in action movies; not so here. Curtis, Vartan, and James all play their parts well. Heck, even the young actress who plays nine-year-old Cataleya (Amandla Stenberg: The Hunger Games) does a good job. And Saldana (who, I maintain, should have at least gotten an Oscar nod for playing Neytiri in Avatar, dammit) shines as the tough-yet-tormented main character. Cataleya kills — often — but she also cuddles with grandma, critiques art, and cries over departed loved ones. Is Saldana convincing as an action hero? At the end of a particularly pivotal fight scene, everyone in the movie theater cheered and applauded. So, yes.


There are a few departures from reality — Will a vomited-up computer chip really still work perfectly? Are all ventilation shafts that large, shiny, and clean? Can one shoot up a whole neighborhood in broad daylight in front of witnesses galore then simply walk away? Is every DMV in America staffed only by fat, sassy black women? — but overall, Columbiana is an exciting, explosion-filled romp of a good time. I hope that it, Angelina Jolie’s Salt, and the forthcoming Haywire are the start of many more tough chicks in action flicks!

Thanks for paving the way, Sigourney Weaver.

Project Runway, 8/25/11

Team challenge! Oh, get over it, complainers. Designers are not islands unto themselves. And good riddance, Cecilia. I get so mad when designers up and quit. They shouldn’t have applied in the first damn place, taking that slot from some other struggling, up-and-coming designer who desperately wanted the opportunity and wouldn’t have wasted it. Losers.






Tee hee, let it never be said that all gay guys run like girls. Olivier (LOVE) does, bless his skinny little heart, but did Josh fly or did Josh fly? Dude flew. Winners: Josh, Bryce, Anthony Ryan, and Viktor. Ha! You just got served, you slow, wheezing, out-of-shape heterosexuals! Not that I’ve got room to talk, lol, cuz I would have come in last after Bert—OH MY GOD, NO! OLIVIER (LOVE) DOWN! OLIVIER (LOVE) DOWN! DON’T JUST STAND THERE, HEIDI; GIVE HIM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH! DON’T JUST STAND THERE, TIM GUNN; START CPR! SAVE HIM! SAVE—oh. Whew! He’s not dying. I knew he was ok when he was feeling good enough to be mad at himself: “I would have loved to be the captain. Unfortunately, I had to fall like a bitch.” Ha ha ha! Chin up, Olivier (LOVE). Everybody falls.

The casual wear challenge. Meh. Always fun to see what the designers come up with when they are specifically ordered to relax and not do high fashion, but I usually don't like clothes created for this look. Plus, some simply cannot do it and send the model down the runway in a cocktail dress and sneakers. Oh, and speaking of ordered, it’s genius—genius, I tell you—that every season Heidi uses the designers to make a look (or three) for her NB line. The designer gets the satisfaction of winning; she and NB get mad profit off sales. Win-win!

I’m closely analyzing this Bert-is-hard to work with belief. I don’t see it. Yes, he and Viktor butted heads, but that’s cuz Viktor’s impossible. In this challenge, however, he just seems to have teammates, Anthony and Laura Kathleen, who don’t want to give him a chance. Which I don’t get, cuz he won the first challenge, so he’s obviously skilled. This is just age-ism, if you ask me. Joshua’s severely condescending attitude toward Becky is SUPER annoying me. Reminds me of Bryce’s pretentious she-didn’t-know-how-to-cut-on-grain horror with Fallene. I do not want Josh or Bryce to win. Oh GOD. Becky’s a crier. *eye roll* I don’t understaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that. If Josh had told me my clothes looked “dowdy,” he would have felt my wrath, not seen my tears. But points to Josh for apologizing. That was big of him.


A big hearty laugh at how Anthony and Laura Kathleen just had to stand there and look stupid while the judges said their clothes sucked and Bert’s looked the best (and Bert got in some catty remarks, lol). Arrrrrrgggggghhhh, will Olivier (LOVE) EVER make something I like? I HAAAAATED that dress, and I DOUBLE HAAAAAAATED it with sneakers. “Farm dress,” Michael Kors called it. Oh well. I’m going to give him a(nother) pass, because he was on a winning team, yay!, and because I pretty much hated EVERYTHING on the runway this episode. And it's not just my casual-challenge dislike; the judges had trouble deciding who was worst, and Heidi couldn’t pick one collection that she liked the best. She had to pick and choose between two. Wise move, girlfriend.


Bottom two: Anthony Ryan’s gray god-awful bad-crotch disaster, or Danielle’s 853rd bad green chiffon blouse. I agree with Heidi’s hatred of AR’s disaster, but yeah, Nina had a point: AR has potential. But Danielle just keeps doing the same (bad) thing. Buh bye, Danielle!

Top Chef Just Desserts, 8/24/11

Yay! Top Chef Just Desserts is back! Celebrate the sweets, dammit. I hate chefs who pretend they’re too good to be bothered with confections. I invite them to get off their stupid high horse. Desserts make the world go round! After all, what’s a wedding/birthday without the cake? Ok, I’m already in loooooooooooove with Nelson. I don’t care what he’s saying; I just want him to keep talking with that accent. And Matthew’s cute, too.


Quickfire:
Sally and Chris: deconstructed banana split
Vanarin and Melissa: micro cake w banana carpaccio (what? banana carpaccio??? GIVE ME SOME!)
Katzie (cool name!) and Hot Matthew: chocolate egg cream
Orlando and Megan: snooze banana split, landed them in the bottom
Craig and Lina: snooze butter pecan ice cream, landed them in the bottom
Carlos and Rebecca: Captain Crunch milkshake, 2nd place
Amanda and Sexy Nelson: chocolate sundae-inspired chocolate sponge cake, 1st place
YAY! Sexy Nelson is not just a pretty face!


And now let me pause to admire everyone in their black chef’s jackets … WITH HOT PINK TRIM. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m sure all the guys just loved that color choice.

Elimination Challenge
Ooooh, a fairytale theme! Some very pretty yumminess will come out of this. Too bad for Sexy Nelson: his and Amanda’s advantage, picking their fairytale, isn’t all that advantageous for him: “I’m originally from Argentina. And I don’t know what they are talking about. I don’t know what even is a fairy tale.” Omgeeeeeeeee he’s so bloody cute. I want to explain to him “what even is a fairy tale” over a romantic candlelight dinner. Eventually, he chooses “Gol-deen-locks and the tree bears.” Lol.

Team Gol-deen-locks and the Tree Bears
Sexy Nelson, Orlando, Rebecca, and Sally made a striking chocolate showpiece, an almond bar with fruits of the forest and honey ice cream, and porridge with basil syrup and cherry sorbet. It was very in keeping with their theme. Gail and Hubert love everything. I love Hubert’s ponytail.

Team Jack and the Beanstalk
Craig, Katzie, and Megan’s showpiece looked great—from the front. Maybe it would have been completed if Craig had been able to actually help Katzie and Megan instead of slow them down. Their desserts were a bergamot cloud with whipped lemon ricotta, and Johnny thought the flavor of ginger was overpowering; and also a brown butter hazelnut cake with white chocolate cream, which Dannielle thought was “a one-note cake.”


Team Little Red Riding Hood
“That sugar work is quite beautiful!” Gail enthused as she examined Amanda, Carlos, Chris, and Hot Matthew’s showpiece. “I’m having Gail thoughts,” Chris sweet-talked Gail, who was dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. The team made rose-scented bomboloni with coconut tapioca, and also a blackout sponge cake with cocoa nib nougatine. Gail and Hubert re-love everything again. I re-love Hubert’s ponytail.

Team Hansel and Gretel
HELLO. It’s Hansel and Gretel, dammit. The witch lives in a house made of deliciousness! That should have been Lina, Melissa, and Vanarin’s cue to go all out with a showstopper of a gingerbread house showpiece; instead, theirs was kill-me boring. And the desserts failed to impress: butterscotch brioche with goat cheese mousse and smoked pineapple, and a chocolate cloud with milk sherbet and cinnamon cotton candy accompanied by a shooter filled with a hibiscus apple selzter. What the crap do those flavors have to do with this fairytale? Why is a chocolate cloud paired with apple seltzer? WHERE’S THE DAMN GINGERBREAD?


Judging
Team Goldi and Team Lil Red are in the top, and (thanks to Chris?) Lil Red wins. No surprise there. Now, on to the suckery. Team J&tB and Team H&G are in the bottom. Few things annoy me more on reality tv than when contestants foist an idea on their teammates, then when it turns out awful, insist it wasn’t their idea. Tonight Lina pulls that move, pretending that she wasn’t the one pushing from the very start for making that kill-me boring cake house instead of a gingerbread house. And she was also called out, thank you judges, for pairing that stupid apple seltzer with Melissa’s chocolate cloud. On the other team, in contrast, Craig owned up to his lack of technical skill holding back the showpiece. And though all three on the team were responsible for those bad desserts, it’s going to be either Craig or Lina (who were one of the bottom two teams in the Quickfire. Way to foreshadow, Top Chef Just Desserts!).

And … Lina gets the axe. Good call. THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GINGERBREAD.

Hell’s Kitchen, 8/22/11

Hour One
Blind taste test! I was consumed with jealousy. Come feed ME, Gordon. Jennifer: “Chef Ramsay put nuts in my mouth!” LOL. Boy was I amazed how wrong some of those guesses were … almost as annoyed as I was watching Bitchy Elise’s smug, superior reactions to the incorrect answers. Yes, Tommy’s grape jokes were annoying (and yet hilarious), but I’ll take the blue team’s teasing over Bitch Elise and Ditzy Carrie’s non-stop bickering.


Dinner
Ohhhhh, ok. The reason Bitchy Elise cannot properly write down an order is that she’s a chef, not a waitress. Interesting. I wasn’t aware that chefs are entirely incapable of properly writing things down. Thanks, Bitchy Elise, for enlightening us. And yeah, if you can’t properly handle writing things down, Gordon should totally trust you running a kitchen. *eye roll* Wow, Tommy and Natalie are in serious trouble. They better hope the red team screws up worse … which they apparently are, thanks to Ditzy Carrie with the garnish snafu and Bitchy Elise and her fish woes. Jennifer: “I can’t believe this bitch just brought up raw fish.” Heh. Poor Tommy, who apparently has the worst penmanship Gordon’s ever seen. Will he manage to slide by yet ANOTHER night?


Elimination
First Gordon knocks Bitchy Elise down a few notches; then Jennifer screamed at her repeatedly to shut up until—gasp—she actually did. What did I do to deserve this wondrousness? And could it be a sign that Bitchy Elise is going home? Because Gordon, apparently, is done fooling around. The teams have to select not two but only one person to go home, which means the selectee has a 50%, not a 25%, chance of leaving. So, it’s Tommy (duh) and Carrie (ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?) on the chopping block. Aaaaand … buh bye Carrie. Darn. I wanted Bitchy Elise to go before her. Tommy, you’ve got nine lives.


Hour Two
I knew better than to get my hopes up when Gordon told Bitchy Elise to take her jacket off … and yep, she’s safe. The bitch stays to royally bitch things up another day. Red team, if you really think she’s going to be any less bitchy now that Ditzy Carrie’s gone, you’re idiots. Oh, yum! Now, THIS a vacation I can get behind. Screw the sightseeing, massages, and ex-Playboy bunnies coming to your Vegas hotel suite. Send me on a food tour so I can eat Italian, Chinese, French, Greek, Mexican, Indian, and Jamaican. (Will: “Shabba!” Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Omg, dude just scored sooooooooooo many points with me. In case you didn’t get the reference, he was singing the 1993 hit “Mr. Loverman” by Shabba Ranks.)

It’s pretty obvious that they’re going to have to cook one of those kinds of foods when they got back to Hell’s Kitchen. I’d have been taking some serious notes, unlike Bitchy Elise—who is a chef, not a waitress, mind you—who moaned, “We tried seven different cuisines, but I wasn’t paying attention.” How very chef of her. And also, “I’ve never seen kumquats before today.” How very chef of her. Will LOL-ed me again with his “Ghetto goes to the beach” remark as Elise passed him on her way out. Accurate. She revels in fulfilling the ghetto, loudmouth, “you-betta-get-outta-my-face,” black bitch stereotype.


Dinner
Bitchy Elise made such a big deal (“I’ll do it myself!”) of the fact that Tommy didn’t score the Wellingtons—as if taking a knife and making shallow cuts is such as hard thing for a “chef” like herself to do—that I’m guessing this will come back up later. Tonight’s scallop waster is Natalie. And after she ruined all those steaks last episode (then tried to pretend Tommy was the only one who needed to go up for elimination), I hope she doesn’t think Ramsay’s overlooking her mess-ups. Uh oh. Elizabeth got a talking-to in the closet. Last time that happened, the talkee (Jonathan) went home. But maybe she’ll be ok, since Bitchy Elise effed up the Wellingto—WHAT? Did she actually just try to blame Tommy for the scoring on the Wellingtons? After ranting and raving earlier because he DIDN’T score them?!?!?!! Tommy: “I didn’t score a damn thing. Play the replay.” Which they did, and he was right. Ha ha haaaaa! Caught in a lie! Last time that happened, the liar (Douche Brendan) went home. But darnit, Natalie’s and Elizabeth’s disastrous fish services might outweigh her lying.

Elimination
Natalie (duh) and Bitchy Elise (FINALLY!) on the chopping block. You know, I’m firmly convinced that Gordon asks the chefs facing elimination why they think they should stay just so he can play the tape back later and laugh at it, lol. He’s already made up his mind. And he chooses … Natalie. I guess the previous day’s steak blunders coupled with tonight’s four or five returned fish entrees were just too much. Though it was only Natalie’s third time up for elimination but Elise’s fourth or fifth. And though Natalie owned up to her mistake, but Bitchy Elise blamed Tommy and threw a trashcan-kicking hissyfit. And though Bitchy Elise LIED TO HIS FACE. Gordon’s just going to keep riding the Elise Ratings Train all the way to the finale.

The Sandwich King, 8/21/11

Bravo, excellent, awesome, two thumbs up. Great show. Thank you for getting it right, Food Network Star judges. And in your FACE, everybody who said that a sandwich show would be boring!


The format of The Sandwich King is entertaining and engaging. Jeff doesn’t just cook. This episode, we went with him to Johnnie’s Beef, where he originally discovered the sandwich that inspired today’s creation. We met owner Frank, who “lets us see where the magical beef happens.” Lol. And later in the show, we were treated to a second sandwich. Two for one! The juxtaposition was clever: one sandwich takes four hours, and the other takes ten minutes, appealing not only to those with plenty of time to cook but also those who want to be in and out of the kitchen fast.


This episode’s subjects: a Chicago beef sandwich and a mortadella fig focaccianini. Nice. I’m a vegetarian, but none of my family or friends are, so I will forever be in need of carnivore-friendly recipes. (Plus, with some tweaking, I bet I could make a vegetarian version of the Chicago beef using my fave meat substitute: seitan.)


The Chicago features a roast braised in red wine and beef stock with Italian seasoning and thyme, green bell peppers roasted with oil and granulated garlic, onions, fresh garlic cloves, and a homemade hot giardineria topping made with carrots, red bell pepper, cauliflower, celery, cerano peppers, all on a French roll. The giardineria intrigued me. I’d never heard of it, so I made a note to google it later — but then Jeff walked viewers through how to make it from scratch. Excellent. “I think my peppers are perfectly done.” Jeff said, taking the green bell peppers out of the oven. “Oh, perf!” he enthused, and I chuckled. “Perf”? I have a new word. Mmmmm: my mouth watered a bit when he dunked the sandwich in the au jus and took a bite.

Random: the split-screen effect is cool.


The mortadella fig focaccianini is “a beautiful hybrid between a focaccia sandwich and a panini sandwich.” (Lol—someone was taking notes during the Rachel Ray episode of Food Network Star, when Vic Vegas made The LaChanga: a hybrid between a lasagna and a chimichanga.) The focaccianini features fontanella cheese and mortadella meat between slices of focaiccia bread slathered with a fig spread made with dried figs reconstituted in water, sugar, and balsamic vinegar. I’m personally not at all a fan of sweet + salty, but I’m totally picturing focaccianinis cut into fourths on sandwich platters for guests at my next party. And I loved the tip on what to do if you don’t have a panini press. Because I don’t have a panini press.


Advice: it’s best if you record The Sandwich King so that you can rewind it, because, as with most cooking shows, sometimes the ingredient list comes fast and furious, and you’re liable to miss something. And now, if I may, some guest star ideas: Guy Fieri, of course. I have a sneaking suspicion that a Guy-Jeff pairing would result in nonstop LOLs. And some fave contestants from the last season of FNS! I want to see Susie and Jeff make something deliciously Mexican, Vic and Jeff make a yummy hybrid with a funny name, and Justin B. make the scrumptiously complex sandwich while Jeff makes the delectably easy sandwich.

I heart Jeff, and I heart The Sandwich King. This show is … perf.

Project Runway, 8/18/11

Designing for Nina! Who, lest we forget, is fashion editor at Marie Claire, so she knows her schtuff, people. And the designers have to make her a day-to-evening outfit? Oh lord. When done right, a flattering, versatile look is created. But far too often on this show, all the designers do for day-to-evening is make an ugly suit jacket and slap it over a dress that it doesn’t match. Let’s not continue that tradition, ok, season nine?

New respect for Nina. “I wear a lot of streamlined, clean, tailored silhouettes. I do not like voluminous clothes. I don’t like lots of pleats. I don’t like loud patterns or colors.” Yes! First of all, before you scream “That’s boring!” she specifically instructed them later through Tim that they best not make a bunch of boring clothes, so no it is not. Secondly, Nina is a 46-yr-old mother of two (and looks GREAT to be 46, may I say), so that’s a very flattering and age-appropriate style of dress. Few things are sadder than a middle-aged woman desperately trying to hold on to her youth by dressing like a 19-year-old. And thirdly, those parameters will—I hope—eliminate a lot of the wacky crap. I get that high fashion is sometimes not every-day fashion, but still. At times the outfits sent down the PR runway make me wonder if the designer was on a bad acid trip.


Please wow me this week, Olivier (LOVE). Please. Three designers got the same fabric—WTF? And Anya, honestly. Nina said no crazy colors/patterns; you get mustard-colored, patterned fabric? That’s not “taking a risk”; that’s “not following directions.” Then she had the nerve to whine about how long dying the fabric took. Quitcher bellyaching and just fix your (entirely avoidable) mistake. Laura Kathleen to the makeup peeps: “Make her look like Nina.” Suck up! But kudos for helping Anya … which, for some reason, Viktor took issue with. Viktor. Who spent all last episode fighting with Bert. So not only can he not work harmoniously with his fellow designers, but apparently he also gets irritated when others get along.


Kerry Washington! Hi! I think you’re so pretty.

I didn’t hate Olivier (LOVE)’s outfit, but I didn’t love it, either. I’m calling that progress, since I completely hated his first two looks (and last week didn’t count). My faves were Kimberly’s, that muted gold top with those gorgeously tailored navy blue pants, and—color me surprised—Anya’s! I loved, loved, LOVED that pantsuit! Goooooooooooooooooooorgeous, girlfriend. Cecilia’s one-shoulder dress and Julie’s coatdress were tragic. Honestly tragic. I felt an actual sadness for them when their models walked out. :( Wait—huh? I cannot believe the judges liked Viktor’s plain, yawn-inducing, boring black, stupid-shoulderpads black dress. I severely hated it.


OMG, I called it: Kimberly and Anya are in the top! But Kimberly deserves the win. And I’m not saying that because I’m Team Negro, lol. I’m saying it because Anya had to rectify her (entirely avoidable) mistake, whereas Kimberly got it right from the start. And now, allow me to translate, because I speak fluent Heidiese. Her “It’s not too safe for you? It’s not a little bit too boring?” as the judges discussed Viktor is code for “I cannot believe you guys like Viktor’s plain, yawn-inducing, boring black, stupid-shoulderpads black dress. I severely hate it.” High five, Heidi.


YAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!! Kimberly won! Kimberly won! I’m … I’m … starting to forgive Nina for Gretchengate. Ok, Cecilia and Julie in the bottom. Well, based on just the fug factor, they both deserve the axe. But since Julie made a coat, which is more technically difficult, and because Cecilia’s attitude was rotten, I think Cecilia should go. Oh — it’s Julie. Darn.

Parting thoughts:
1. Nina looked quite chic and trendy in Kimberly’s outfit.
2. Nobody went the ugly suit jacket/non-matching dress route. YAY!

Hell's Kitchen, 8/15/11

STFU, Bitchy Elise.

Yay, dessert challenge! I don’t understand people who call themselves chefs but who can’t make desserts. No, you don’t need to be the world’s most accomplished pastry chef and chocolatier, but you should know your way around a damn bag of sugar … which clearly, almost none of these “chefs” do. Kudos to Jennifer. Wow, Will put salt and pepper in some cream and called it a dessert? And Bitchy Elise put VINEGAR in her zabaione? EPIC FAILS.

Hearty chuckle at Paul and Will dancing. Contrast that to Ditzy Carrie and Bitchy Elise, who can’t even stop fighting while celebrating a win. I say again: neither one of them deserves to be there — Bitchy Elise’s one good dinner service last week does not cancel out all her bad services and bad dishes; plus, her attitude makes her the LAST person who should be running a kitchen. And Ditzy Carrie simply isn’t a good enough cook. — but I am praying to all the gods that Bitchy Elise gets sent home before Ditzy Carrie. That would chap her ass for the rest of her life.


Dinner Service:
Thank you, Jennifer. FINALLY, somebody other than Bitchy Elise is leading the red team. Aaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again: more scallops dying for no reason other than to go straight into the trash. Tommy has for a while now been performing not so well. He’s been saved by others screwing up worse, but tonight may be his night. Oh — I spoke too soon. Jamie served a plate with hair in it, and Ditzy Carrie burned the fish. But if you ask me, Carrie’s silly I-didn’t-see-that defense was less of an embarrassment than Jamie’s stupefying that-wasn’t-there-when-I-brought-the-plate excuse. Gordon: “You’re blaming us????” Lol. And though Ditzy Carrie did screw up, I see her point: shedding into your plates is a way worse offense than blackened fish. Jamie should have been sent off, too.

Wow. Tonight is just full of screw-ups. Paul served pink chicken. Bitchy Elise served vegetarian capellini WITH LOBSTER IN IT (which, of course, this vegetarian found super annoying) then burned the oysters — which got her sent off! Ha haaaa! I knew after last week, she’d be so pompous and pleased with herself that she’d crash and burn. And I happily point out that Jennifer’s leadership style, in stark contrast to Bitchy Elise’s, does not consist of screaming, screaming, and more screaming

(AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Dammit, I am such a sucker. I held it together during that oh-so-sweet proposal, but when dude said “There’s nothing I won’t do for you,” that did me in. *wipes tear*)

Elimination:
Tommy skates by again! (I'm sure his 19-yr-old girlfriend sent him a relieved "omg! wuz so scared! luv u" text.) Carrie and Elise on the chopping block. Hmmmm, they’ve both been on the bottom on the lot. I wonder who’s — haaaaaaaaa! They’re BOTH — oh. No they’re not. That was ANOTHER Gordon head-fake. Dammit, Gordon. *sigh* Well, bye Jamie.

Ok, at this point, it’s glaringly obviously that Gordon’s keeping these two fools around just for ratings. A chef of his standing knows damn well neither is qualified to run a kitchen. So let’s just enjoy how he keeps them dangling on a string — and raise our voices in raucous celebration when, finally, it’s off with their heads.

Food Network Star, 8/14/11

Italian Mama’s Boy. Mexican. Sandwich King. I defy you to conclude that Sandwich King isn’t the best of those three concepts. Honestly, who wants to watch ANOTHER Mexican or Italian cooking show? They’ve been done to death. To. Death!!!!! Sandwiches, on the other hand
-- will never get old because there are sooooooooooo many different ways to make them.
-- have never had their own show. (Sad.)
-- totally appeal to even the most novice of cooks. Who can’t slap bread, meat, and cheese together?
People, I am so Team Jeff that it hurts.


Guy Fieri! Love him. Just as excited to see him now as I was earlier in the season. And it’s little wonder that he keeps popping up. I mean, other than Guy, can you name two past FNS winners? Hell, one? *deafening silence* He’s clearly the biggest FNS success story. I guess the judges want to remind us of the ONE time they got it right. Speaking of getting it wrong, there’s a focus group this year! LOL. Good. I guess Food Network was tired of the winner’s show not lasting more than one season, so real people have been called upon to weigh in. And by “weigh in,” I mean, “keep the judges from picking yet another FAIL show.”

YAY! Jeff nailed his on-camera challenge. Blah. Susie to me just felt like she was rambling, though the judges loved her. Vic over-focused on the story and left out the technique. And the person going home is … *on the edge of my seat* … Vic. WHEW. And if you ask me, it was for the above-mentioned reason. Plus, as Judge Suzy said: “I love marketing [Jeff’s] idea.” Damn right. Sandwiches practically sell themselves. But Vic gets plenty of points for being such a gracious loser.

And then there were two.
Jeff:
Take one: Oh no. Take two: Oh no, again. “Boom”? What the crap was that? Am I watching Jeff or Emeril? Take three. (OH GOD PLEASE, JEFF.) Nailed it!
Susie:
Take one: Oh no. Take two: only a little bit better — but hey, at least she’s not “boom”ing. Take three: Nailed it!
Ok, they both (eventually) knocked it outta the park, so it’s going to come down to who has the better concept. Let’s bring on that focus group!


Oh, wtf. Never mind what I said about the Food Network wanting input from real people. Instead of an actual focus group consisting of true Food Network fans John Everybody and Jane Anybody, we get the past contestants. *eye roll* While I’m incredibly glad for another glimpse of the incredibly sexy Justin B., this was a SUCH wasted opportunity. A few people had good things to say, but this was just a last attempt to wring out a final bit of Penny drama. And she was only too happy to oblige. That “Susie wasn’t engaging” line was complete BS. Susie was the epitome of engaging. As Team Jeff as I am, I would have been all over her if she weren’t. Go crawl back into your hole, you petty harpy. (But thank you for fawning all over Jeff. Susie’s pilot was good, but Jeff’s was better.) Also, why bring the past contestants back to give, what, 30 seconds of input from, what, four people? Sexy Justin didn't have anything to say? Where was Juba? SUCH a waste. A real focus group should have been brought in. Maybe next summer. (Yeah right.)


Oooooh, Giada pointed out something I hadn’t noticed: Jeff has had that same concept from week one. Susie, on the other hand, had to be told to cook Mexican food — and even Vic had to be told to choose between his Vegas personality and his Mama’s boy concept. Reason #27 that he should win. — gasp — HE WON! HE WON! Woo-hooooooo! Omg, I cannot WAIT to watch his show! All hail the Sandwich King! Congrats, Jeff!

Project Runway, 8/11/11

11-ft-tall Heidi asks, “How’s everything going down there?” and I make a mental note to work that into the conversation next time somebody makes a dumb comment about my height. Wonder how long it took her to master stilt-walking? She was pretty damn good. Ooooooooh, the first team challenge! Some partners will love each other and produce pretty clothes, some will hate each other and produce ugly clothes, and some will love each other and yet still manage to make ugly clothes, lol.


Quote time!!! Fallene: I’m not settling for all black. We’re not creating a fricking gothic stilt-walker.” Good call. I can hear Michael Kors now: “She looks like a witch on growth hormone! She looks like she’s going to Gulliver’s funeral!” Plus, we all remember how overreliance on black got April sent home last season. Olivier (LOVE): “I think when it comes to a group challenge, it’s not about how brilliant, or how amazing you can do it by yourself; it’s much more about the collaboration and communication between the two people.” Dear Project Runway: please print that, laminate it, and pass it out every season from now on to all designers for the first team challenge. Dear Olivier (LOVE): we’re three episodes in, so PLEASE finally make something I actually like. Bryce: (horrified tone) “She didn’t know how to cut it on grain.” (smug tone) “It’s just the difference of being self taught and going to school.” Wow. It was Fallene, may I remind you, you backstabbing condescending pompous ass, who had the sense not to make a gothic stilt-walker, not you.


Oh my weeping god. Kim Kardashian? Really? The vapid useless brainless famewhore star of homemade porn? Really, Project Runway? REALLY? Wait—maybe this was by design. Why waste a qualified guest on judging stilt-walker outfits? This episode isn’t really about actual fashion; it, like that episode in season four when everyone had to design an outfit for a female wrestler, is about stretching the designers to their creative limits. Anybody can simply pick the prettiest/ugliest outfit, even vapid useless brainless famewhore stars of homemade porn. Clever, Project Runway. Clever! Hold the phone, stop the presses, and alert the media—I actually like Olivier (LOVE)’s look! But I don’t know how much of that was due to Anya’s influence, so I shall have to wait until next week—which will make it a solid month!!—to see if he’ll make something I like.


Michael Kors (I can’t ever just call him “Michael.” It doesn’t feel right.) totally said what I was thinking the entire episode: “If you scaled it down and she wasn’t on stilts, would it still be fabulous?” Exactly. Just because the models are exaggeratedly tall doesn’t mean you can dress them crappily and get away with it. As Josh pointed out, costumes (black swan, matador, mismatched curtains) were in the bottom; ready-to-wear looks (chiffon blouse-pant, red gown, jacket-pant) were in the top. My fave look was the jacket and pant on the tattooed model. The two pieces matched perfectly, that one shoulder jacket was tres chic, and nice tattoos make me happy. Heh. Alas, here comes Laura Kathleen and her red gown to steal my joy. Well, congrats on the win, LK. See? Magic happens when you don’t say anything stupid/brag about your family’s wealth.


I admit it: I liked the matador outfit! Yes, it was totally a costume, but I liked that cape jacket, those pants were snazzy, and, as MK pointed out, the clothes were very well made. Ok, it’s down to Bryce/Fallene’s black swan or Bert/Viktor’s mismatched curtains. I need to point out that my Heidi has an excellent Bullshit Detector. All last season, she called out the designers (led by Wretched Gretchen) for throwing Chris under the bus; this go-round, she totally saw through Viktor’s lies. But, when it came down to Viktor or Fallene, Fallene had to go. This was the second episode in a row that her look was in the bottom and she didn’t defend it.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/9/11

Ditzy Carrie shouldn’t have even bothered nominating herself to be team leader. Nice try, but her team has proven TWICE that they’d rather lose challenges than admit that her food is good, so there’s no way they’re going to let her lead them. Eye roll at Jennifer responding with “Carrie” when asked who had the worst leadership skills. Have they all forgotten how Bitchy Elise and her leadership technique of screaming drive them crazy night after night after night during dinner service?????????? Lol at the narrator’s “While Elise—predictably—has a problem with Carrie’s game plan…” Maybe if it’s getting that painfully obvious, that means her shenanigans are becoming tiresome and she’s on her way out.
I knew from the silhouette it was Wolfgang Puck! *LOVE* I love him so. I love him soooooooo.

Unsurprisingly, Bitchy Elise’s spaghetti sucked. And you know why? Because her focus was on complaining that she should have made the pizza instead of cooking the spaghetti. What a damn fool. Ok, is this the THIRD time, and the third episode in a row, that Jonathan has blamed someone else for his screw-up. And then he followed that pussy move with the even pussier move of pretending he was unable to work. Although when the team wins, he’s never unable to celebrate.

No comment on Elise’s fashion sense. And the fact that she has her name tattooed on her breast is so unbelievably trashy.


Dinner Service:
As I keep pointing out, there are times when Ditzy Carrie actually deserves the bashing … like now. Boy, was she wrecking things on the appetizer station. Jonathan had no one to blame this time for his crap performance, so he tried to blamed his mystery (read: made-up) illness, but Gordon was having none of that:“I had a young man in here two years about that broke his fucking arm—and went on to WIN the fucking competition!!!!!!!!!!” You tell ‘im, Gordon! Ugh, Bitchy Elise’s gloating after ONE good dinner service, after all the crap food she’s made and crap services she’s caused/contributed to, was nothing short of infuriating.

Elimination:
—gasp— Oh. Whew! DAMMIT, GORDON, STOP DOING THAT. If Natalie had gone home over Jonathan, I’d have hurt somebody. Buh-bye, Jonathan! Tips: stop blaming other people for your mistakes, see a doctor about that dreadful “illness,” and STOP PAIRING CHICKEN WITH PINEAPPLE.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/8/11

Booooo. When I saw that spread of produce on the table, I was hoping for a vegetarian challenge. Alas, it’s a beer challenge. I haaaaaaaaaaate beer. I hate wine. I hate alcohol in all its forms. So I’ve never gotten drunk and acted like a rampaging buffoon (see: Krupa), and I’ve never had a hangover so bad it cost me my chance at $250,000 (see: Krupa).

Clearly, the girls’ team isn’t one for learning from mistakes. For the second week in a row, they rated Ditzy Carrie’s dish low for no other reason than who made it, when according to the judges it tasted pretty darn good. And when Elizabeth’s and Jennifer’s were actually bad. IDIOTS. God, I am so sick of the clique. And WTF. Apparently Jonathan likes being a repeat offender as well. Even before the flash-back reminded us, I thought of that craptastic pineapple-chicken rubbish he served Gordon in the first episode. Yuck. Back when I ate meat, I haaaaaaaaaaated fruit+meat pairings. It’s a gross, disgusting combination of two things that alone are amazing but combined made my mouth cry. Apple-stuffed pork loin. Salmon with fruit relish. Steak with apricot glaze. No! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, NO! As expected, nobody liked Jonathan’s disgusting chicken with pineapple. Again. IDIOT.


I’m glad the girls lost. Again. They deserved it. What—is Bitchy Elise crying?????? First of all, what a pussy, and secondly, why? All she ever does is stand to the side while all the other girls do all the work. “I got my point and I’m tired of being punished.” “This is heavy.” “My fist is about to have your teeth on it.” Jeeeeeeeeeesus. And once again, she completely refused to see reason when her team tried to explain to her why they’re sick of her bullshit. Next time Bitchy Elise is on the chopping block—and you know the other girls are looking for ANY reason to nominate her—which will be her third time, she’s going home. (Reminder: “Three strikes and you’re out,” said Gordon to Chino.)


Dinner Service:
Yeah right, she’s trying to work on her attitude, as evinced by her attempts to blame Ditzy Carrie for the fact that she forgot to drain the salad; then soon began once again to irritate her teammates to death with her unnecessary order-screaming. Tigers don’t change their stripes, people. Hey, is anyone else disturbed by how many scallops have to die for no reason other than to be thrown into the garbage on this show? Tonight was a higher-than-usual number, but still. It irks me. KUDOS! Kudos to Will for pointing out that Jonathan shouldn’t have blamed Tommy’s prep for the messed-up Wellingtons. Let us not forget that last week, Monterray got sent home because Jonathan refused to even try to fry the fish, sticking Monterray with it. So clearly Jonathan cannot cook meat; blaming Tommy is his only hope. (Random: Tommy looks like a young Steve Buscemi.)


Elimination:
Natalie and Jonathan. Duh. Krupa and Jamie—not Elise. DAMMIT, WILL I NEVER BE RID OF THIS EMBARRASSING STEREOTYPE OF “THE BLACK BITCH”??????????? Then again, since she’s good for ratings, the Hell’s Kitchen Contestant Selection Committee will from now on probably be instructed to pick a black bitch instead of a well-qualified, level-headed black female chef. :( Darn—I was hoping it would be Jonathan, but nope. Buh-bye, Krupa. To quote T Pain, you can “blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.”

Gordon: “Do you like speed?”
Tommy: “Meth or coke?”
Me: ROFL.

Falling Skies, 8/7/11

Part I

*sigh* I guess we should have seen this coming. After Weaver’s breakdown last week, he’s embarrassed about his moment of weakness and taking it out on the one guy who witnessed it. But explain this: once Tom et al. got the lowdown from Dai, why didn’t they just call in everybody else and have him repeat the story? That way, everyone would know that Weaver is acting recklessly and not fit for command; then he would have been relieved of duty. This whole running-around-being-secretive plan seems unnecessarily complicated.

Dai shirtless: unexpected hotness.


Eff. If Ben and Rick can feel that they’re changing and can hear radio waves, guess it’s not just a theory anymore. This fact makes me sad cuz even if humans do win the war, that process does not seem reversible. I doubt there’s a “Reverse Human-to-Skitter Transformation” button to be pushed. Ok, I tried to be mad at Pope when he pulled that gun, but I couldn’t, because a. nobody got hurt and it accomplished nothing since Weaver changed his mind, and b. same as when he saved the kids, Pope is driven — and driven hard — by his desire to kill skitters. I gotta respect that. But still, I was glad when Monotone Maggie put him in his place. And Matt, too, with that, "What's it like, having hair like a girl?" Heh. Shut up, Matt. I like Pope’s hair. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Weaver’s not a secret pill-popper anymore! Hugs, not drugs.

(Sci-fi randomness: naming the technician/science guy “Scott”—Star Trek reference? The first time someone makes a “Beam me up, Scotty” joke, I am so screaming aloud: “I called it!)

Part II


UGH at the massively creeptastically creepalicious image of Rick CRAWLING UP A WALL :( Noooooo, I don’t want that to happen to Ben. Ew! That harnessed chick in the woods had green scales growing on her! :( Noooooo, I don’t want that to happen to Ben. Maybe … *grasping at straws* … maybe if you fight the process instead of giving in willingly, it won’t happen so fast. Fight, Ben, fight! Gosh, I can’t believe how nice everyone’s being to Rick! Tom didn’t get mad after finding out Rick had told the skitters the 2nd Mass was attacking, Scott(y) didn’t come back for some vengeance after Rick returned to the school, and nobody saw the need to lock him in a cell or at least keep him under armed 24-hr surveillance despite the fact that he was CRAWLING UP A WALL. The only person showing one iota of wit about this Lourdes. Stupid enough to play piano when being hunted, she was smart enough to hesitate when told to go to the infirmary with Rick. Alas, she eventually went. With the boy who was CRAWLING UP A WALL. *sigh*

Random: Am I the only one who woulda been thoroughly confused by Weaver’s “Squad One: North Leg! Two: East!” etc.? I’d have needed to tap someone on the shoulder and be all, “So, um … which one is ours? No — just point to it.” Lol.


Call me Cheesy McCheeserson, but whenever Tom launches into I-used-to-be-a-history-professor speak to try to boost spirits, I get all riled up, too. I mean, he’s right! A few colonists did kick the ass of the entire British empire. Honestly, when he whipped out Patrick Henry’s “The battle is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, and the brave,” I came THIS close to starting a “SKITTERS DIE!” page on Facebook and buying a rifle. And I cheered, loudly, when those goosestepping mechs were forced to retreat.
Tom kissed Anne! Tom kissed Anne! Finally! Finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The attack on the spacecraft went pretty much as I thought it would: it failed (God, you suck so hard, Rick.), and almost everybody died except Pope and Weaver. I just wanna say one more time how much I like Pope’s hair—AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH nooooooooooooooooooo not the scary silver humanoid alien things!!!!! No, aliens, don’t take Tom! NO, EPISODE, DON’T END!


And now begins the long wait for season two. Where’s Hal? Now that humans have not only tricked-out bullets but also a way to obstruct alien communication, will the tide turn in our favor? Have Porter and the 3rd and 4th Mass been annihilated? Will Ben and Rick be sprouting green scales and extra legs when next we see them? (Noooooo!) Will Tom be harnessed? Will Dai take his shirt off again?