Food Network Star, 8/14/11

Italian Mama’s Boy. Mexican. Sandwich King. I defy you to conclude that Sandwich King isn’t the best of those three concepts. Honestly, who wants to watch ANOTHER Mexican or Italian cooking show? They’ve been done to death. To. Death!!!!! Sandwiches, on the other hand
-- will never get old because there are sooooooooooo many different ways to make them.
-- have never had their own show. (Sad.)
-- totally appeal to even the most novice of cooks. Who can’t slap bread, meat, and cheese together?
People, I am so Team Jeff that it hurts.


Guy Fieri! Love him. Just as excited to see him now as I was earlier in the season. And it’s little wonder that he keeps popping up. I mean, other than Guy, can you name two past FNS winners? Hell, one? *deafening silence* He’s clearly the biggest FNS success story. I guess the judges want to remind us of the ONE time they got it right. Speaking of getting it wrong, there’s a focus group this year! LOL. Good. I guess Food Network was tired of the winner’s show not lasting more than one season, so real people have been called upon to weigh in. And by “weigh in,” I mean, “keep the judges from picking yet another FAIL show.”

YAY! Jeff nailed his on-camera challenge. Blah. Susie to me just felt like she was rambling, though the judges loved her. Vic over-focused on the story and left out the technique. And the person going home is … *on the edge of my seat* … Vic. WHEW. And if you ask me, it was for the above-mentioned reason. Plus, as Judge Suzy said: “I love marketing [Jeff’s] idea.” Damn right. Sandwiches practically sell themselves. But Vic gets plenty of points for being such a gracious loser.

And then there were two.
Jeff:
Take one: Oh no. Take two: Oh no, again. “Boom”? What the crap was that? Am I watching Jeff or Emeril? Take three. (OH GOD PLEASE, JEFF.) Nailed it!
Susie:
Take one: Oh no. Take two: only a little bit better — but hey, at least she’s not “boom”ing. Take three: Nailed it!
Ok, they both (eventually) knocked it outta the park, so it’s going to come down to who has the better concept. Let’s bring on that focus group!


Oh, wtf. Never mind what I said about the Food Network wanting input from real people. Instead of an actual focus group consisting of true Food Network fans John Everybody and Jane Anybody, we get the past contestants. *eye roll* While I’m incredibly glad for another glimpse of the incredibly sexy Justin B., this was a SUCH wasted opportunity. A few people had good things to say, but this was just a last attempt to wring out a final bit of Penny drama. And she was only too happy to oblige. That “Susie wasn’t engaging” line was complete BS. Susie was the epitome of engaging. As Team Jeff as I am, I would have been all over her if she weren’t. Go crawl back into your hole, you petty harpy. (But thank you for fawning all over Jeff. Susie’s pilot was good, but Jeff’s was better.) Also, why bring the past contestants back to give, what, 30 seconds of input from, what, four people? Sexy Justin didn't have anything to say? Where was Juba? SUCH a waste. A real focus group should have been brought in. Maybe next summer. (Yeah right.)


Oooooh, Giada pointed out something I hadn’t noticed: Jeff has had that same concept from week one. Susie, on the other hand, had to be told to cook Mexican food — and even Vic had to be told to choose between his Vegas personality and his Mama’s boy concept. Reason #27 that he should win. — gasp — HE WON! HE WON! Woo-hooooooo! Omg, I cannot WAIT to watch his show! All hail the Sandwich King! Congrats, Jeff!

Food Network Star, 8/7/11

Iron Chef time, baby! Which means I get to see some Alton Brown. Yes! I love you, Alton.

Battle Lamb:

I’m not a fan of Mary Beth, but no one deserves to have to work with Penny. Maybe since she herself has already been eliminated, she'll play nice? Nope. Tigers don’t change their stripes. She can’t let this opportunity to sabotage MB pass. The judges even tried sending Alton over to ask her to speed up … with no results. Go back to obscurity, you petty harpy. But I do hope that if MB loses to Vic, she doesn't try to blame Penny. The petty harpy may be chopping onions waaaaay too slowly, but MB's the one actually cooking the lamb. Ok, Jeff is totally killing Suzie in the commentary battle. All hail Sandwich King! Judge Suzy: “Jeff’s very cute.” DAMMIT, SUZY. I told you: I saw him first.

Battle Lobster:


(I gave up meat for health reasons, but I still cook it for friends and family, so I guess I have to be counted among that hypocritical number who are ok cooking/eating meat as long as they don’t have to watch the animal die. I get the two-facedness of that stance; believe me I do. But still. I’ll stuff and roast a turkey, I’ll buy and bake lobster tails. But I just can’t throw a living animal into boiling water to die. Hi, I’m a double standard-having wussy. Lol.)

Ugh. Chris. Who reminded everyone that the judges make the right call sending him home with this: “You’re not going to cook it first? Oh — no, it’s for ceviche.” *SIGH* Clever, Suzie! Lamb "enchiladas" rolled in Swiss chard are very creative. Meanwhile, Jeff’s overreliance on mayo could hurt him. Got my fingers crossed that the sandwiches are delicious, cuz then the judges’ll overlook it. MB was totally killing Vic in the commentary battle, until Alton stumped her with that sea salt question. She didn't recover well at all. A simple "I don't know AB; let me look that up and get back to you!" would have worked. Uh oh: all three of Suzie’s dishes were hits, but Bobby didn’t like Jeff’s taco.

Judging:

Vic beat MB — saw that coming. But she gets points for not trying to blame the loss on Penny. Darn! Suzie beat Jeff. Jeff vs MB in the elimination: even though he did get knocked for not making his own aioli, I wasn’t worried. He made three different sandwiches; two were a hit. She made lamb chops and lamb chops and lamb chops, poorly cooked ones at that. Buh-bye, boring “Sunday suppers” concept! All hail Sandwich King.

Food Network Star, 7/24/11

Ina Garten. Ugh. Not a fan. I mean, her food is good, but she herself comes across as pretty stuck-up. “Make sure you use GOOD olive oil.” “Make sure you use GOOD cheese.” Ina, honestly. I don’t need you to constantly remind me that your food requires the pretentious brand. Can Ina Garten’s polar opposite, the non-pretentious, entirely approachable Sandra Lee, guest host an episode please?

Congrats to Jyll and Mary Beth for making a yummy cupcake. Enjoy it, girls, cuz I’m still getting not-going-to-win-it vibes from both of you. And points to Suzie and Jeff for trying a savory cupcake, even if Suzie’s was ruined by the sprinkles added “for elegancy” and Jeff’s wasn’t that great. I maintain that Jeff has the best concept.

The insatiably greedy 572-lb man who lives inside me almost wept with joy at hearing Vic say “lasagna inside of a tortilla, deep fried with more cheese on it.” Lasagna + a chimichanga? *drool* Those high falutin, snobby dishes on Top Chef can bow the hell down before … The LaChanga!!! So SCREW YOU, BOBBY FLAY, and your “I don’t wanna eat a tortilla-wrapped lasagna.” BECAUSE I DO.

Yay Jeff and Whitney. Top two, these two? Toldja Jeff had the best concept! Rachel Ray agreed. Dunno why everyone said Vic did so badly; other than forgetting to describe the lasagna, I thought he did ok. And if Bobby knocks The LaChanga one more time, I’m going to put my foot up his suit-clad ass. But I guess Vic did forget to take his question from the audience. And Suzie knocked Mexican food AND forgot to take her question (after Vic warned everybody not to forget). But those offenses paled in comparison to Jyll’s, who made the mistake of still not having a solid show concept in week 8. Buh-bye, Jyll.