Hell’s Kitchen, 8/22/11

Hour One
Blind taste test! I was consumed with jealousy. Come feed ME, Gordon. Jennifer: “Chef Ramsay put nuts in my mouth!” LOL. Boy was I amazed how wrong some of those guesses were … almost as annoyed as I was watching Bitchy Elise’s smug, superior reactions to the incorrect answers. Yes, Tommy’s grape jokes were annoying (and yet hilarious), but I’ll take the blue team’s teasing over Bitch Elise and Ditzy Carrie’s non-stop bickering.


Dinner
Ohhhhh, ok. The reason Bitchy Elise cannot properly write down an order is that she’s a chef, not a waitress. Interesting. I wasn’t aware that chefs are entirely incapable of properly writing things down. Thanks, Bitchy Elise, for enlightening us. And yeah, if you can’t properly handle writing things down, Gordon should totally trust you running a kitchen. *eye roll* Wow, Tommy and Natalie are in serious trouble. They better hope the red team screws up worse … which they apparently are, thanks to Ditzy Carrie with the garnish snafu and Bitchy Elise and her fish woes. Jennifer: “I can’t believe this bitch just brought up raw fish.” Heh. Poor Tommy, who apparently has the worst penmanship Gordon’s ever seen. Will he manage to slide by yet ANOTHER night?


Elimination
First Gordon knocks Bitchy Elise down a few notches; then Jennifer screamed at her repeatedly to shut up until—gasp—she actually did. What did I do to deserve this wondrousness? And could it be a sign that Bitchy Elise is going home? Because Gordon, apparently, is done fooling around. The teams have to select not two but only one person to go home, which means the selectee has a 50%, not a 25%, chance of leaving. So, it’s Tommy (duh) and Carrie (ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?) on the chopping block. Aaaaand … buh bye Carrie. Darn. I wanted Bitchy Elise to go before her. Tommy, you’ve got nine lives.


Hour Two
I knew better than to get my hopes up when Gordon told Bitchy Elise to take her jacket off … and yep, she’s safe. The bitch stays to royally bitch things up another day. Red team, if you really think she’s going to be any less bitchy now that Ditzy Carrie’s gone, you’re idiots. Oh, yum! Now, THIS a vacation I can get behind. Screw the sightseeing, massages, and ex-Playboy bunnies coming to your Vegas hotel suite. Send me on a food tour so I can eat Italian, Chinese, French, Greek, Mexican, Indian, and Jamaican. (Will: “Shabba!” Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Omg, dude just scored sooooooooooo many points with me. In case you didn’t get the reference, he was singing the 1993 hit “Mr. Loverman” by Shabba Ranks.)

It’s pretty obvious that they’re going to have to cook one of those kinds of foods when they got back to Hell’s Kitchen. I’d have been taking some serious notes, unlike Bitchy Elise—who is a chef, not a waitress, mind you—who moaned, “We tried seven different cuisines, but I wasn’t paying attention.” How very chef of her. And also, “I’ve never seen kumquats before today.” How very chef of her. Will LOL-ed me again with his “Ghetto goes to the beach” remark as Elise passed him on her way out. Accurate. She revels in fulfilling the ghetto, loudmouth, “you-betta-get-outta-my-face,” black bitch stereotype.


Dinner
Bitchy Elise made such a big deal (“I’ll do it myself!”) of the fact that Tommy didn’t score the Wellingtons—as if taking a knife and making shallow cuts is such as hard thing for a “chef” like herself to do—that I’m guessing this will come back up later. Tonight’s scallop waster is Natalie. And after she ruined all those steaks last episode (then tried to pretend Tommy was the only one who needed to go up for elimination), I hope she doesn’t think Ramsay’s overlooking her mess-ups. Uh oh. Elizabeth got a talking-to in the closet. Last time that happened, the talkee (Jonathan) went home. But maybe she’ll be ok, since Bitchy Elise effed up the Wellingto—WHAT? Did she actually just try to blame Tommy for the scoring on the Wellingtons? After ranting and raving earlier because he DIDN’T score them?!?!?!! Tommy: “I didn’t score a damn thing. Play the replay.” Which they did, and he was right. Ha ha haaaaa! Caught in a lie! Last time that happened, the liar (Douche Brendan) went home. But darnit, Natalie’s and Elizabeth’s disastrous fish services might outweigh her lying.

Elimination
Natalie (duh) and Bitchy Elise (FINALLY!) on the chopping block. You know, I’m firmly convinced that Gordon asks the chefs facing elimination why they think they should stay just so he can play the tape back later and laugh at it, lol. He’s already made up his mind. And he chooses … Natalie. I guess the previous day’s steak blunders coupled with tonight’s four or five returned fish entrees were just too much. Though it was only Natalie’s third time up for elimination but Elise’s fourth or fifth. And though Natalie owned up to her mistake, but Bitchy Elise blamed Tommy and threw a trashcan-kicking hissyfit. And though Bitchy Elise LIED TO HIS FACE. Gordon’s just going to keep riding the Elise Ratings Train all the way to the finale.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/9/11

Ditzy Carrie shouldn’t have even bothered nominating herself to be team leader. Nice try, but her team has proven TWICE that they’d rather lose challenges than admit that her food is good, so there’s no way they’re going to let her lead them. Eye roll at Jennifer responding with “Carrie” when asked who had the worst leadership skills. Have they all forgotten how Bitchy Elise and her leadership technique of screaming drive them crazy night after night after night during dinner service?????????? Lol at the narrator’s “While Elise—predictably—has a problem with Carrie’s game plan…” Maybe if it’s getting that painfully obvious, that means her shenanigans are becoming tiresome and she’s on her way out.
I knew from the silhouette it was Wolfgang Puck! *LOVE* I love him so. I love him soooooooo.

Unsurprisingly, Bitchy Elise’s spaghetti sucked. And you know why? Because her focus was on complaining that she should have made the pizza instead of cooking the spaghetti. What a damn fool. Ok, is this the THIRD time, and the third episode in a row, that Jonathan has blamed someone else for his screw-up. And then he followed that pussy move with the even pussier move of pretending he was unable to work. Although when the team wins, he’s never unable to celebrate.

No comment on Elise’s fashion sense. And the fact that she has her name tattooed on her breast is so unbelievably trashy.


Dinner Service:
As I keep pointing out, there are times when Ditzy Carrie actually deserves the bashing … like now. Boy, was she wrecking things on the appetizer station. Jonathan had no one to blame this time for his crap performance, so he tried to blamed his mystery (read: made-up) illness, but Gordon was having none of that:“I had a young man in here two years about that broke his fucking arm—and went on to WIN the fucking competition!!!!!!!!!!” You tell ‘im, Gordon! Ugh, Bitchy Elise’s gloating after ONE good dinner service, after all the crap food she’s made and crap services she’s caused/contributed to, was nothing short of infuriating.

Elimination:
—gasp— Oh. Whew! DAMMIT, GORDON, STOP DOING THAT. If Natalie had gone home over Jonathan, I’d have hurt somebody. Buh-bye, Jonathan! Tips: stop blaming other people for your mistakes, see a doctor about that dreadful “illness,” and STOP PAIRING CHICKEN WITH PINEAPPLE.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/25/11

New respect for Meatball Paul. All the other guys were mad that a -- gasp -- woman was coming, but he was ready to be a team and actually win something. Tattooed Tommy totally LOLed me with "Apparently we're all a bunch of clowns. A stunning metaphor. My mind has been blown." Heh. I like him.

Smart. Gordon didn't let Ditzy Carrie go to the boys' team #1 because the whole point is that boys need someone GOOD, and #2 because keeping her on the team with Bitchy Elise means more drama, which is the fuel that the realityv show tv car runs on. Apparently, the boys needed a girl on the team to realize they needed to communicate with each other. Congrats on the win, guys. And ROFL at Jonathan's "I would've put Tommy in a dress" jab. That one even cracked Gordon up.

"What's this?" you ask. "Why is Jamie suddenly jumping on Ditzy Carrie?" I mean, yes, Carrie running around to everybody's station was annoying, but twas Jamie who burned a quesadilla. Answer: Jamie jumped on the We Hate Carrie Bandwagon to make everyone forget about said burned quesadilla ... and it worked like a charm. New respect for Krupa for pointing out that everyone is kinda being unfair to Carrie, eye roll at Bitchy Elise insisting her 3-yr-old son is perfect and much cleaner than everybody else's children, and annoyance at the boys acting like going to Medieval Times was THE BEST REWARD EVER.

Dinner Service:
Tommy burned the chicken. No! Don't get sent home, goofy cute Tommy! I like you. Ok, Jennifer blaming Carrie for the order mix-up -- the hell was that? Jennifer was just as much at fault. Gosh, it's really getting crowded on that bandwagon.

Amazing. Amanda undercooked the bass, then she forgot the cod, then she just completely shut down and gave up. And yet, who are all the girls trying to get sent home? Carrie. Hello, high school clique. Yes, Carrie's lamb was raw, but Amanda CLEARLY was the worse offender tonight.

I fast-forwarded past the girls having to apologize to the diners cuz #1 that's just embarrassing, and #2 the boys didn't have to do that the night they didn't get out even ONE dish. Let's be fair with our punishments, Gordon.

Elimination:
(Almost all of) The girls may not be able to see the truth, but you can't fool Gordon. Buh-bye, Amanda. And now that the cattiness and claws have come out, I revoke my prediction that a girl is gonna win this season.