The Walking Dead: Sick, 10/21/12

Daryl orders the prisoners to come out, hands up, as the post-amputation scurry to save Hershel’s life continues. Rick says they need to get him back to the others. Glen finds a gurney to put him on. Theodore opens the cafeteria doors and kills the one zombie that enters. (Wait wtf? Last week a friggin’ horde was outside the doors. It’s only been like two minutes; where’d they go? Continuity FAIL.) They wheel Hershel back the way they came, leaving Danny Trejo, Wyatt Earp, LL Cool J, Little One, and Big One (We never learn the prisoners’ names, ok?), who were expecting a rescue party, standing there hella confused. Eventually, they figure it out and follow. Rick et al. arrive at the cell block. Carol takes over (Omg, I like her so much more this season.) with Hershel, barking orders to get anything that could be used for a bandage, bring pillows to elevate the leg, and don’t do anything crazy to try to stop the bleeding cuz the shock could kill Hershel. Meanwhile, Danny Trejo et al. arrive in the outer area of the cell block, get in a shouting match with Daryl and Theodore, who won’t let them in. After instructing Glenn not to leave Hershel’s side (Read: kill Hershel if he turns.), Rick rushes back to the prisoners, breaks up the fight and informs the clueless bunch that the world as they knew it is no more. They don’t believe him. Rick, Daryl, and Theodore take them outside and show them the zombies, explain what happened, tell them they’re all infected. The prisoners decide they want to stay. Danny and Rick get into a turf war argument. Finally, it’s agreed that in exchange for half the food in the cafeteria, Rick et al. will help Danny et al. clear another cell block to live in.

Glenn sends a distraught Maggie to check on Beth, who’s busy tearing fabric off all of Hershel’s pants so he can walk one-legged in them. Atta girl, Beth! Keep the faith and stay positive. (Also, could you two sing again at some point this season? That was cool.) Rick and Theodore arrive with food. Lori asks about the prisoners; Rick tells her about their agreement. She says don’t hesitate to kill them if he sees fit. Rick says exactly what I’m thinking: “Yeah, you say that now.” In other words, she’s told him to do what he feels necessary before; then when he did it (Killed Shane.), she turned on him. Lori assures him that she knows there’s no malice in his heart and he doesn’t kill just for the sheer joy of life-taking, that he should do whatever he needs to do with a clear conscience. (I’d like to stop here and make two predictions: #1 Rick and Lori are eventually going to reconcile. #2. Rick is going to kill Danny Trejo.) Maggie asks for a few minutes alone with handcuffed-to-the-bed, still-unconscious Hershel; Carol and Glenn leave. Maggie tells her Dad that if it’s too hard to fight, he can let go, then cries on his chest. :( Rick, Daryl, and Theodore hand out weapons and give a crash course in How to Kill The Undead, stressing that Danny et al. don’t make noise, don’t break formation, and aim for the head. They head off into the prison, find some zombies—and the prisoners yell and scream, bumrush the zombies, and start shanking them in the gut. ROFLLLLLL. Rick, Daryl, and Theodore just watch with priceless expressions of incredulity on their faces. I totally have to rewind and watch that bit again. LOL.

As Maggie, Beth, Carol, Lori, and Glenn sit with still-unconscious Hershel, Carl saunters in with a duffel bag full of bandages, bottles of peroxide, and such. He casually announces that he found the infirmary, cleared it out, and oh yeah, killed a couple zombies on the way there and back. Lori, of course, is all like OMFG you can’t just go running off like that; Carl’s all like WTF lady get off my back; Beth’s all like STFU Carl you can’t talk to your mother like that. (I like Beth.) Pissed, Carl runs off … and shockingly, nobody follows him to make sure he’s not going back into zombie territory. (Again—I don’t understand the Carl-Lori feud. At the end of last season, as Rick ranted about how this was no longer a democracy, Carl was crying in Lori’s arms. So what happened? Puberty?) Carol asks Glenn to help her go do something. He’s hesitant to leave Hershel, but Beth, Maggie, and Lori assure him they’ll be ok. Outside, Carol explains that as she’s now the de facto ob-gyn, she needs to practice giving a C-section. (And I'm briefly mad at Lori all over again, cuz she didn't just get preggo, she got preggo knowing full well she couldn't give birth the normal, non-surgery-required way.) Glenn distracts a gaggle of zombies while Carol kills a female one and drags it inside the fence.

Rick and the others find another group of zombies. This time, the prisoners fight as instructed. Alas, Big One gets deep, bloody, zombie scratches on his shoulder. Little One and Wyatt Earp yell at Rick to help Big. Rick says there’s nothing he can do. Danny beats Big to death. Whoa! The group moves on … as Daryl and Rick, disturbed by the fact that Danny totally looked like he did that just for the sheer joy of life-taking, whisper to each other that at the first sign of trouble, they’ll take him out. They reach the cell block, hear a horde of zombies behind the double door entrance. Rick instructs Danny to open one door. Danny not only opens both, releasing the entire almost-too-big-to-control horde, but he also during the melee throws a zombie onto Rick. It knocks him down; Daryl kills it and helps Rick up. Once all the zombies are dead, Rick and Danny stand there sizing each other up for a few seconds—then Ricks swings a machete and lands it in Danny’s head. (Big’s ghost: “Thanks, Rick.) Little takes off running; Rick chases. At gunpoint and at bow and arrowpoint, Daryl and Theodore order LL Cool J and Wyatt Earp down onto their knees. Wyatt, who doesn’t just look but also sounds the part, drawls, “We don’t have no ‘filiation what just happened! Tell 'em, Oscar!” LL—I mean, Oscar just advises him to stop talking. Rick chases Little out into a zombie-filled section of the prison yard, closes the door, and lets the zombies get him.

Maggie, Beth, and Carl (Whew!) sit with Hershel. He stops breathing. Beth freaks, yells for help. Lori comes in, gives Hershel CPR. I admire her willingness to breathe into his might-be-a-zombie mouth. Breath, breath, chest pump, chest pump, breath, brea—ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! Hershel rises from the dead and grabs her!!! Oh. Wait. He’s still alive; he just woke up from his near-death experience all super dramatically then passed back out. I pause the episode, change my underwear, and continue.

Rick’s about to shoot Wyatt, who drawls that he and Oscar aren’t bad people, please let them live. Rick turns the gun on Oscar, asks what he has to say. Oscar says he’s not begging for his life. (Yeah, Rick. If you’re gonna kill ‘em, just kill ‘em. Don’t needlessly draw this shit out.) Wyatt’s begging worked; Rick, Theodore, and Daryl lead them into the now de-zombied cell block and lock them safely in. Rick, Theodore, and Daryl get back to their cell block just in time to catch Hershel waking up. YAY!!!! Carol misses it cuz she’s outside going full med student on the zombie corpse … as someone watches her from the trees outside the fence. (Omg, who dat? Who dat?) Lori and Rick chat. He puts a hand on her shoulder, tells her that for the record he doesn’t think she’s a bad mother, and thanks her for saving Hershel.

Yes, that was brusque, and then he just walked off, but hey. Baby steps, people. They’ll be sneaking off to the showers for some hot prison sex in no time. *fingers crossed*

The Walking Dead: Seed, 10/14/12

Rick, Theodore, Carl, and Daryl enter a farmhouse, take out all the zombies inside. Maggie and Glenn join them; everyone searches for supplies. Beth, Carol, Hershel, and a suuuuuuuuper preggo Lori enter. (The gang’s all here. Hi guys!) Alas, there’s nothing but a couple cans of pet food and an owl Darryl shoots, plus zombies are all over the place outside, plus farmhouses are, like, so Season 2. So everyone gets in their cars, and the group drives off. On the highway, they stop to consult maps and chat about what to do next. Rick tells Carl to stand watch. (So I guess we’re officially done treating Carl like a 5-year-old. Yay!)

The separate zombie herds the group’s been running from all winter might converge, at which point they’ll become too large to avoid. Rick, who wants to find somewhere they can hole up so Lori can give birth, suggests heading west. Everyone agrees to this. Theodore and others head to the river to re-fill water bottles; Daryl and Rick head into the woods to hunt … and see, off in the distance, a prison. To Rick, judging by the expression on his face, it’s the Taj Mahal.

Cut to: Rick et al. cutting through the outer fence to enter Zombie Correctional Facility. Rick tells who to position him/herself where to cover him as he makes a run for the gate. (I’m rather glad to hear him tell Carol she’s become a pretty good shot. Guess she decided to do more than wash and cook.) As the others shoot and impale zombies through the fence, Rick hauls ass through the zombie-filled yard, closes and locks the gate, then climbs up to a guard tower and joins the others as they finish up killing all the yard zombies. Hooping and hollering, everyone triumphantly enters the yard. Later, Theodore, Carl, Maggie, Glenn, Beth, Lori, and Hershel eat dinner around a fire while discussing plans to dig a canal to let water in and plant some crops. Rick patrols the gate. Daryl keeps watch atop an overturned bus. Carol brings him some food, tells him Rick’s gotten them farther than she ever thought he would. (Oh ye of little faith.) Then Daryl massages her sore shoulder and she jokingly asks him if he wants to fool around. They laugh. About to jump off the bus, Daryl says “I’ll go down first”; she responds, “Even better.” HAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAA! Hershel asks Beth to sing, and there are a few lovely, blessed moments of almost-normalcy as she and Maggie duet. Then Rick advises everyone to turn in; they’ve got a busy day of zombie clearing tomorrow, and it’ll mostly be hand-to-hand combat since they’re so low on ammo. As he heads off to take first watch, Lori approaches and tries to talk to him “about things we’ve been avoiding,” but Rick’s very much not in a chatty mood. The next morning, Rick, Theodore, Daryl, Maggie, and Glenn enter the uncleared portion of the yard. Zombies galore! Knifing, spearing, chopping, bashing, and slashing, they kill their way to an entry point, where progress is temporarily slowed by zombies in riot gear. Ha ha, nice touch.

Eventually, riot gear zombies are taken out, and the group enters the prison. They find a (mostly) zombie-free, secure cell block in which to crash, clear it, and let the others in. Lori thanks Rick, but he just walks off. Hershel, having wisely given up trying to keep Maggie away from “the Asian boy,” is reduced to chasing Carl out of Beth’s cell, ha ha.

In a pharmacy somewhere, Michonne makes short work of the zombies inside with her AWESOME sword, then finds some aspirin. She takes it back to Andrea, who’s in pretty bad shape, sweating and exhausted and coughing. Pneumonia or something, I guess.  (Fact: I NEED to know, forthwith, why Michonne keeps zombie prisoners.)

In her cell, Lori confides to Hershel that she’s afraid because she hasn’t felt the baby move in a while. She makes him promise that if she or the baby dies in childbirth, he will immediately kill them before they can turn. She says it would have been better if she’d never made it off the farm because Carl hates her, and after what she put Rick through with Shane, he can’t stand her. (Rick’s loathing I get, but where’d the Carl dislike come from?) Hershel says Rick’ll come around. Lori, Beth, Carol, and Carl stay behind while Rick, Theodore, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, and Hershel head off into the prison in search of the cafeteria and infirmary. OH MY GOD, CREEPIEST SCENES EVAR. It’s dark, they’re using flashlights, dead and partially eaten bodies are everywhere, they’re bumping into and spooking each other—then they round a corner and run smack into a zombie horde. And then a second horde! And then a third! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh! Maggie and Glenn get separated. (--Time out.-- I repeat my oft-repeated threat from last season: if Glenn dies, I will find the writer responsible for killing him and make said writer very, very sorry. --Time back in.--) Maggie/Glenn and Rick et al. wait a few seconds to let the hordes pass, head out looking for each other, then find each other just as a zombie that was playing possum (No fair.) bites Hershel’s leg. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Rick shoots it; the noise brings the hordes. Dragging/carrying the wounded Hershel, everyone flees. They find a big empty room, secure the doors. Rick tourniquets Herschel’s leg, then grabs a hatchet from Hershel’s medical bag and hacks off the bitten lower leg, hoping to keep the wound from infecting and killing Hershel. Who, mercifully, faints. “He’s bleeding out,” (DUH.) Rick announces—and at that moment, several surviving prisoners leave their hiding place. (LOL, they [almost] all look like famous people.)

So, omg! How’re they gonna stop the bleeding? And even if they do, will Hershel zombify despite the amputation? If he does, who’ll help Lori deliver Rick’s-or-Shane’s baby? And keep Carl from dry-humping Beth?

Spartacus: Fugitivus, 1/27/12

Season two begins with a pile of dead bodies and “The house of Batiatus has fallen." We learn that Spartacus and the boys escaped and have been terrorizing the city of Capua for weeks. An annoyed young nobledude named Seppius has hired a gang of mercenaries to quell this most bothersome revolt. Too right, Seppius. Slaves not wanting to be slaves anymore is just ridiculous. I mean, what’s next? Electricity???? Anyhoo, the mercenaries FAIL, and Sparty and the boys make quick work of them after a bloody skirmish and rob the bodies of valuables and supplies. Sparty carves a message onto a mercenary’s chest.

Cut to Rome, where Claudius (I HATE HIM.) is chatting with a friend about war matters. His boss/father-in-law arrives just then, tells him that such discussions are moot when he can’t even stop a little slave uprising in Capua. By a gladiator who is openly mocking him by carving “Claudius” on dead bodies. (LOL. Nice touch, Sparty.) Pops tells Claudius to handle this little problem forthwith or rise no further in the senate. Later, Claudius and a pregnant Ilithia argue; she doesn’t want to go with him to Capua. He tells her she will, goshdarnit.

Sparty and the boys arrive at Headquarters Inside which Gladiators Hide (HIGH). (Where, I’m sad to see, the female slaves who escaped with them are all still barefoot, mostly naked, doing domestic duties, and relying on the men for food and survival. :( I know I’m being way too 2012 liberated feminist with this, but nobody wants to wear shoes, put on some real clothes, and strike out on her own?) Sparty passes out swords but, one of the slave girls (Sparty’s now-deceased BFF Varro's wife Aurelia) reminds him, they need food, not swords. Crixus’s peeps arrive just then, laughing, joking, and chowing down on vittles. Sparty asks where’s Crixus, is told he’s off trying to find Navia. (OMG PLEASE FIND HER!) Sparty orders their food split with everyone else; they don’t want to but eventually relent. Major tension between Spartacus Squad and Crixus Crew, yo. Crixus arrives later, says he’ll talk to his men about playing nice, and also that he won’t stop looking til he finds Navia. (YAY!) Sparty asks him about Doctore; Crixus says Doctore loved the ludus and probably doesn’t want to be reunited with those who brought about its downfall.

Cut to: disguised Doctore sitting in the crowds at the arena, intently watching a bloody battle. Up in the VIP box, as the VIPs bemoan how crappy the fighters are these days, we meet Seppius and his sister Seppia, who totally give off incest-is-best vibes. Doctore leaves but is recognized by a dude in the crowd … who later with a couple friends and unwisely tries to bring Doctore in for the reward money. In a fight that seems almost unfair, lol, Doctore easily kills them. HE’S DOCTORE, BITCH.

To honor Varro’s dying wish, Sparty gives Aurelia all the money he’s managed to steal and sends her off to find her son and buy them safe passage to faraway lands. Then Spartacus Squad and Crixus Crew head to a whorehouse that the guy who sold Navia frequents. Crixus get a good lead on his lost love, and everyone finds out that Claudius et al. are coming for them.


Claudius et al. arrive at the house of Batiatus. It’s a blood-smeared wrecked mess, and Ilithia is furious about having to stay there. Claudius tells her to STFU and get busy putting the house right. Ilithia discovers none other than by-some-miracle-still-alive Lucretia wandering around, dirty and driven mad. (Good. I HATE HER.) Ilithia yells at Claudius to kill “it”
(because, you’ll remember, Lucretia knows Ilithia killed Likinia), but his fellow soldier suggests she be shown to the people of Capua as a symbol that a woman escaped Sparty, so obviously Sparty’s not all that. Claudius agrees; Ilithia is re-furious. As Lucretia is bathed, Ilithia notices a scar on Lucretia’s lower abdomen. (When season one ended, Lucretia was preggo.) She asks Lucretia about the scar, about how she survived the uprising, and about Likinia. Lucretia can’t answer the first two and thinks Likinia is still alive. Which pleases Ilithia immensely.


Back at HIGH, Doctore shows up, warns everyone about the small army Claudius has brought, and advises everyone to get while the getting is good. Then after telling them not to call him Doctore anymore, The Artist Formerly Known As Doctore leaves. Crixus tells Sparty that going after Claudius is stupid and Sparty should leave along with Crixus Crew. But Claudius is, of course, the man responsible for Sparty becoming a slave/losing his wife, so Sparty wants his head, dammit. Later, Mira implores Sparty to leave with Crixus to avoid a bunch of needless death; he assures her he doesn’t want to see anyone die for him; they get it on. The next morning, she wakes to find him gone.

Oh snap. He’s at a gathering of the townspeople, waiting as Seppius blathers on (as Seppia practically drools with lust) for the arrival of Claudius with a murderous gleam in his eye. Claudius arrives and parades out Lucretia. The little stunt has the desired effect on the crowd and completely shocks Sparty—and then he’s again startled when Claudius has a bound, bruised, and bleeding Aurelia brought out. As Claudia promises to torture her until she talks, Sparty grabs his sword and attaaaaaaaaaacks! He puts up a good fight, even slicing Claudius’s arm, but he’s quickly surrounded. Just as he’s about to be seized, the other gladiators arrive, YAY!, and the brawl begins. Crixus sees Lucretia, looks even more shocked than Sparty did, and has a momentary flashback about cutting her stomach. (What? I need that explained, please.) Crixus yells some sense into Sparty; the gladiators grab Aurelia retreat.

Back at HIGH, Mira is pissed and yelling at Sparty; Sparty’s all, but I can’t let Claudius live! Then Crixus punches Sparty in the face and explains that the only reason he showed up was to stop the Claudius assassination, which would result in Rome sending thousands and thousands and thousands of soldiers to stamp out the rogue-gladiator problem; then Crixus’d never find Navia. Aurelia has Sparty called to her side, makes him promise to stay away from her son, then dies. Which was completely bitchy, but makes Sparty decide to give up his desire to kill Claudius—until Sparty has a properly trained army, that is.

Top Chef: Texas, 11/2/11

Premiere, Part One


I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to pick an early fave, cuz my early fave never wins. You hear me, reality tv gods? If I don’t tell you who I like, you can’t send him/her home just to spite me! SO THERE!

“It’s Texas. They made it bigger.” This season is starting off with like 30+ chefs instead of the usual 16. Standing in front of the Alamo, Padma (Hey Padma!) greets the chef army and welcomes them to Top Chef Texas — then it’s down to business. She informs them that they will be put into three groups, with everyone in the group competing against each other to make it into the 16.


Group One:
Tom (Hey Tom!) and Emeril tell the chefs they must use part of a partially butchered pig to create a feast. Begin cooking! Tyler brags about himself, but then hasn’t a bloody clue how to cut up the pig. He grabs a saw. A saw???!?!?? It's a pig, not a log! Colin isn’t doing much better, but in his defense, he runs a vegan restaurant. Chris takes over for him. Tyler’s butchering is so bad that Tom and Emeril send him home. First casualty! No jacket for you! Interesting to see all the creative ways the chefs are cooking pig. More to it than just bacon and ham sandwiches, eh? Time! Oh darn — the second casualty is my fellow meat-avoider Colin, who gets axed for serving super sloppy plates.



- Chris J.: candied peanuts, caramel apple stuffed with braised pork belly and sweet applesauce. YUCK YUCK THAT’S DISGUSTING I HATE SAVORY + SWEET HATE SAVORY + SWEET HATE IT HATE IT YUCK.
- Sarah: pig skin ravioli
- Molly: smoked sweet potato soup with simmered pork cheek and tequila cilantro lime cream
- Grayson: mushroom-stuffed tenderloin with haricot vert and hazelnuts
- Nyesha (Omg, homegirl alert! Wait — oops. Disregard that burst of enthusiasm, reality tv gods. It meant nothing!): braised pork shoulder ravioli with roasted corn, tomato, and pepita salsa
- Richie: onion soup with crispy and braised pig ears, pickled shallots, frozen parsley powder, and mushrooms
- Simon: ham roulade stuffed with fig confit and goat cheese.
- Heather: ribs over grits with blue cheese, corn, and bacon. Holy crap, it looks good. It’s the first dish that if I ate meat I would nom nom nom.

Out: Simon. Must cook again: Molly and Grayson. In: Chris J., Sarah, Nyesha (YAY!), Heather, and Richie.


Group Two:
Padma, Gail (Hey Gail!), and Tom instruct everyone to agree on one ingredient to cook with; rabbit is chosen. Begin cooking! Chris C. says his style is like that of Richard Blais and Michael Voltaggio. *eye roll* Invoking the name of past winners: lame. Dakota is pairing chocolate and rabbit. :( Time! Nina is immediately eliminated for not finishing her plate. No jacket for you!

- Whitney: rabbit sugo with tomatoes, garlic, shallots, asparagus and bacon
- Keith: rabbit three ways — herb-seared tenderloin, chicken fried rabbit with potato hash, braised rabbit confit. It looks nom nom nom.
- Edward: butter poached rabbit with butternut squash puree
- Janine: rabbit three ways — bacon-rabbit nugget over corn grits, white asparagus with rack of rabbit, loin saltimboccoa with mushroom hash
- Chuy: adobo-marinated loin with cashew pipian, queso fresco, and grilled zucchini
- Chris C.: rabbit two ways — confit leg and butter-seared tenderloin over carrot polenta
- Ty-lör (a big fat WTF to that spelling): confit leg with pickled pepper cucumber with tomatoes in fish sauce
- Dakota: roasted rabbit saddle crepinettes white asparagus, leeks, and mushrooms with cocoa-vinegar bulgar wheat. Oh. That’s less gross than what I was picturing.

Must cook again: Edward, Janine. In: Chris C., Kieth, Whitney, Dakota, Chuy, and Ty-lör.

Oh, Top Chef. How I have missed thee!

The Walking Dead, 10/16/11

When last we left our not-so-merry band of travelers, they were leaving Atlanta, having narrowly escaped an exploding CDC. And that’s right where we pick up with the premiere of season two. Putting their faith in science got them nowhere, so our intrepid peeps are trying their luck with the military and are now on the road on their way to Fort Benning. Quick inventory:


1. Rick – sheriff
2. Shane – Lori’s spurned lover, Rick’s cop buddy
3. Lori – Rick’s wife
4. Carl – the boy, Rick’s son
5. Sophia – the girl, Carol’s daughter
6. Carol – chick with buzzcut, Sophia’s mom
7. Andrea – suicidal blonde
8. Glenn – Asian dude
9. T-Dog – black guy (duh)
10. Dale – old man
11. Daryl – country dude w bow and arrow


The group is riding along, passing time cleaning guns and telling vacation stories (except Daryl, who’s stylishly riding solo on a pretty sweet ass motorcycle), when the RV blows a hose just as the group reaches a buncha cars blocking the highway. Company halt! Everyone hops out/off of their vehicles to siphon gas, move the cars, look for food/water, find a replacement hose, etc — but not before Andrea irritates me with her disapproving “This place is a graveyard.” Lady, please stfu. It’s the zombie a-frigging-pocalypse. Societal etiquette and decorum are the LAST things on my mind.

I guess Carl getting way too close to a dead body to get at that (admittedly cool) set of weapons was supposed to show us that he's adventurous and not the little boy his mother thinks he is. Which it did, but it also made me want to punch him in the face.



ZOMBIES. First one, then two, then, like, a hundred. That’s way too many to waste limited ammo on, so everyone hides under vehicles. T-Dog cuts his arm pretty badly, the blood attracts a zomb, Daryl saves him. Andrea hides in the RV bathroom, a zomb finds her, Dale saves her. Other than those snafus, the tactic seems to have worked … until Sophia starts to crawl out from her hiding place just as two zombs are passing. Chase! She runs into the forest, the zombs hot on her trail, Rick hot on their trail. He hides her, tells her to wait, leads the zombs away, crushes their skulls with a big rock.


*happy sigh* First zomb kills of the season! Me like, and me want more.

OF COURSE, Sophie’s gone when he comes back. Rick and Daryl (who calls Glenn “Short Round” — HA HA HA HA ROFL bwah ha ha ha HA HA HA HA LOL) search for her. They find nothing other than a zomb, which they kill and cut open to make sure it hasn’t eaten Sophie. Groooooooooss, heh heh. (It hasn't.) Back on the highway, Shane tells Lori he’s planning to leave, and inexplicably, she’s not happy to hear this. Though he tried to rape her and though it would seriously un-complicate her life, what with her not wanting Rick to find out that they were getting it on the whole time they thought he was dead.


It’s getting dark. Rick and Daryl return Sophie-less, Carol understandably freaks. It was annoying, but I’m going to forgive her that “How could you just leave her” rant at Rick since she’s distraught. The next morning, since Dale still hasn't fixed the RV, everybody but Dale and wounded T-Dog heads off to look for Sophie — but not before Andrea irritates me AGAIN, this time by chewing Dale out. Why? Because he had the AUDACITY to force her not to kill herself last season. It is the lamest reason to be mad I think I’ve ever heard. “I wanted to die my way.” “You took that away from me.” HUH? Lady, if you want to die, then kill yourself! Options:

- Jump out of the RV as it speeds along. Death: instant.
- Attract a zomb’s attention and let it eat you. Death: within minutes.
- Drink a lot of antifreeze out of one of those cars. Death: within a day.
- Sneak off into the woods and hang yourself from a tree branch. Death: instant.
- Slice a vein. (Hell, T-Dog managed to do that without even trying.) Death: within minutes.
Somebody please tell me how the EFF is Dale stopping Andrea from doing any of that????????? I get that she’s upset about her sister’s death, but still. I heart Dale, and she better step off.

In the woods, the search party is finding nothing other than an empty tent and an empty church. Well, empty except for three zombies, which Daryl, Shane, and Rick enthusiastically dispatch. Afterward, Andrea overhears Shane telling Lori again than he’s leaving, begs him to let her go with him. PLEASE AGREE TO THIS, SHANE. Out on the highway, Dale shows again how awesome he is and reveals to T-Dog that he had the RV fixed yesterday; he’s just pretending it’s still out of commission to buy time for the Sophie Search, lest people start saying they should just leave her.
High five, Dale. Eat poo, Andrea.

At the church, Carol prays that Sophie will be found alive. Shane, Carl, and Rick announce they’re going to search for a couple more hours; everybody else heads back to the highway. (Along the way, Lori chews Carol out — yes! — for blaming Rick about Sophie. After all, nobody else selflessly ran to save her from those two zombs.) At the church, Rick prays. (All this prayer better mean that Sophie will be found alive. YOU CAN’T KILL THE CHILDREN. Punch them in the face, yes. Kill them, no.) Then Shane, Carl, and Rick head out. In the woods, they run into a beautiful, antlered buck. Shane, who’s thinking exactly what I would be thinking in that situation (which is “Yay venison!” — there’s no vegetarianism in the zombie apocalypse) raises his rifle; Rick stops him so that a fascinated Carl can get a better look. Carl inches closer and closer to the magnificent animal … and then a shot rings out. A bullet rips through the buck and strikes Carl in the upper abdomen. I think I actually yell, horrified, because NOOOOOOO! YOU CAN’T KILL THE CHILDREN!

Terra Nova, 9/26/11

Verdict: I’m hooked.

Hour One:

No slow build-up here. The drama starts right away. In 2149, police officer Jim Shannon is arrested and imprisoned after the discovery of his illegal third child. After all, “Family is Four!” scream the billboards, and he and wife Dr. Elizabeth Shannon already have two kids, Josh and Maddy. Two years later, Elizabeth gets the call: she’s been selected to make the one-way trip 85 million years backward to Terra Nova (TN)! Well … if she leaves that pesky third child behind, that is. So she does what anyone would do: breaks her husband out of prison, sneaks him into the TN-bound group, and smuggles third child along in a backpack. (Yes, in real life it would have been much harder. Hush.)


The contrast of TN earth to 2149 earth is quite dramatic. Bye bye dirty, rotting metropolis; we’re now in a verdant, sunny paradise (where allosaurs often trip the sonic mines). Commander Nathaniel Taylor gives a sweeping welcome speech to the large crowd of newcomers, then meets with Jim to let him know that while Taylor doesn’t really care about population control laws from 85 million years in the future, he’s still got half a mind to throw Jim outside of the fence and let him go play with the allosaurs. Jim counters that he’s a cop and could probably be of good use, but Taylor assigns him to agricultural detail. Which would be like if a chef bragged to you about his awesome cooking skills and you assign him to dishwashing detail. But Jim, just happy to no longer be making license plates, cheerfully accepts. As Jim walks away, Taylor growls. He did! I rewound it three times. He growled. LOL! I like Taylor.


A hot young soldier leads the Shannons to their new home. As they settle in, Josh goes all teen angst on us (He’s mad at Jim for having gone to prison.); then we get our first glimpse of dinosaurs when little third child — ok, ok — when little Zoe wanders off into the backyard and happens upon a herd of brontosaurs chowing down on some treetops. They can easily reach over the fence with their long necks, so Zoe feeds one. “Mommy, can we keep it?” No, Zoe didn’t say that. I did.

The next day, Elizabeth starts doctoring, Jim starts weeding (as Taylor keeps a close eye on him from afar), Maddy and Zoe go to orientation, and Josh skips orientation to wander around. He bumps into Skye.
Who we immediately know is going to be trouble. She leads him to a house inhabited by 16-year-old kids. (One is Max, played by Eka Darville, whom I’ve had a crush on since season one of Spartacus, so PLEASE don’t let him be a throw-away character who’s going to die in like episode two.) Apparently a house full of kids is normal in TN. They all have jobs, you see. I still don’t get it, but whatevs. Josh and the kids head OTG (outside the gate). Wait — really? I mean, I know I’m exactly twice as old as this bunch, but still. Even at 16, running around unprotected in a DINOSAUR-FILLED forest would very much not have been my idea of a good time. In the forest, Skye strips to a skimpy bikini to go swimming, shows Josh a bunch of strange markings on rocks, and makes him promise not to tell anyone about them.

Back at camp, that hot young soldier flirts for a bit with Maddy, whose idea of flirting back is describing a brontosaur’s teeth. :(

In the hospital, Elizabeth tends to an unconscious dude who was shot for stealing. FOOLED YOU! He was only fake unconsciousing. Dude grabs Elizabeth, holds a glowing weapon thingy to her throat, gets the guard’s gun, and bolts.
As Dude hurries through the camp, looking all kinds of suspicious, he catches Jim’s eye. Jim, whose policeman’s instincts have not been dulled by his 22 minutes as a farmer, follows Dude — and tackles him just as he pulls the pilfered gun and gets a shot off at Taylor. Taylor, realizing that Jim is more Robocop than Old MacDonald, takes him for a hike during which he explains that Dude is a Sixer: a member of another group on TN. Sixers (who came on the Sixth Pilgrimage) seemed normal at first, but it soon became clear that they had an ulterior motive. They splintered off from the main group and now live in hiding somewhere in the forest (Ok, is NOBODY afraid of the damn dinosuars?!?!). No one knows who sent them or why.
Taylor leads Jim to where they can look down over TN (great view, complete with pterodactyl soaring overhead), tells him that this new beginning is what they’re fighting for, and offers him a job on the security team. Jim accepts. Agriculture detail crew: “We didn’t like you anyway!”


Hour Two:

Taylor and Jim see Sixers speeding toward TN and race to their own vehicle to stop them. The Sixers are busy firing at a rampaging carnitaurus. “I hate carnitaurus,” Taylor says — then he jumps out of the vehicle and by himself armed with only a gun distracts the carno long enough for everyone including the Sixers to get safely inside the gate.

Taylor’s level of bad-assery: high.


As the dust settles, the leader of the Sixers steps forth. (It’s a chick! A black chick! Yaaaaaaaaaaay, minority females in position of power!!!) Her name is Mira, and she wants to trade meteoric iron (Sixers control the mines, you see, and TNers need its ore) for ammo, meds, and Dude, whose name is Carter. She says they know Carters’s locked up in the brig because they have spies inside TN. (Ooooh! A MOLE! Who is it? Who’s the dirty mole????) Taylor says she can have meds and Carter but no ammo.

Out in the forest, Josh and the kids … are making moonshine. *sigh* Really? 85 million years in the past, and they’re recycling such present-day problems as underage drinking. You’d think they’d be into something still stupid but waaaaaaaaay cooler. Like trying to catch, tame, and ride pterodactyls, which is what I’d be doing. Skye scores points with me cuz she refuses the moonshine when Josh offers her some. Alcohol sucks.

Taylor and Elizabeth chat in the hospital. We learn that Taylor had a son who came to TN as part of the Second Pilgrimage but went missing a few years ago.


Out in the forest, the Sixers are on their way back to their base when they come across the kids’ abandoned vehicle. Two stop to strip it of its power cells. They’re attacked by a hungry slasher; it kills one of them, wounds the other. Back at camp, Taylor et. al realize the kids sneaked out and head out after them. The kids arrive at their vehicle, find it dead, see a Sixer vehicle a few feet away. The others are afraid, but Skye fearlessly heads right on over, and she also recognizes the wounded Sixer inside. (Is Skye is the mole?) She then tells Josh how to slow the Sixer’s heavy bleeding, rattles off facts about the slashers’ preferred hunting methods, AND tells Josh to shoot at them in short bursts to control his ammo. This ain’t no ordinary random 16-yr-old girl, y’all. Sadly, Tasha, the other 16-yr-old girl, is ordinary, and she freaks completely out, leaves the safety of the vehicle, and goes off running through the slashers-filled forest.

Back at TN, the hot soldier, apparently a fan of chicks who know a lot about brontosaur teeth, stops by to ask Maddy if she’s ok.

Out in the forest, the search party runs into a bleeding and in-shock Tasha and figures out which direction she came from. Back in the vehicle, Skye tells Josh she’s an orphan. Then a slasher breaks in and pulls a kid out by the leg, Skye runs out of ammo, Max gets wounded (DAMMIT!); then just as they’re all about to be slasher snacks, the search party finds them. The wounded Sixer has bled to death.


Safely back at TN, Skye tells Taylor how sorry she is. (And I know everyone was glad to find the kids alive, but I still would like to see them get in way more trouble than they did.) Taylor asks Skye if they went anywhere near the falls. She lies and says no. Cut to: Mira and Carter are at the waterfall; they see the kids’ footprints. Mira says Taylor won’t like that. Carter asks why Taylor doesn’t just have the rocks blasted to rubble, and Mira says because the markings on the rocks are Taylor’s only connection to his son. *gasp* It’s Taylor’s "missing" kid scribbling on the rocks! According to Mira, he does it “to remind Taylor of the real reason for Terra Nova’s existence: control the past, control the future.” OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fall Television Preview: The Five That Hooked Me, 9/10/11

Ahhhhhhh, fall. A season always eagerly anticipated by this television addict, as I wonder what viewing delights are in store. Discovering an amazing new show that will be a part of your life for the next several years—sometimes well over a decade, in point of fact—is wholly awesome. This season, five very promising premieres have piqued my interest: Terra Nova, Grimm, Person Of Interest, Suburgatory, and The Secret Circle.


1. Terra Nova
- network: Fox
- Jason O'Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelley Conn, Landon Liboiron, Eka Darville
“An epic family adventure 85 million years in the making.” In the year 2149, the planet is dying, and mankind is starting over by sending people back in time to prehistoric earth to make a new beginning. Terra Nova follows the Shannons, one of the families who made the journey, as they settle into their new home, a settlement led by Commander Taylor (Stephen Lang) and threatened by not only a renegade splinter colony opposed to Taylor’s control but also man-eating dinosaurs. WOO-HOO, DINOSAURS! The special effects will be supercool (Episodes are rumored to cost anywhere from $4 to $10 million—or more.), the fact that Steven Spielberg is an executive producer is an added plus (I loved this summer’s Falling Skies, which he also produced), and I’m really looking forward to seeing Stephen Lang (whom we all loved to hate in Avatar) back in action again. Also, DINOSAURS.


2. Grimm
- network: NBC
- David Giuntoli, Russell Hornsby, Silas Weir Mitchell, Reggie Lee
Inspired by the classic childhood fairy tales, Grimm is the story of Portland homicide Detective Nick Burkhardt, who discovers he’s descended from "Grimms": supernatural hunters who find and kill mythological creatures masquerading as ordinary humans. Nick will face off this season against, among others, hexenbiests, blutbads, the cannibalistic witch from Hansel & Gretel, and the big bad wolf from Little Red Riding Hood (Mitchell: Prison Break), who will later become an informant. The omg factor of this show is pretty high for me. First, what a way to breathe new life into the done-to-death (or so I thought) police drama! Second, I superloved the Brothers Grimm tales when I was a kid (Rumpelstiltskin! Snow White! Tom Thumb!). Third—and pardon the obscurity of this last reason—the concept reminds me of one particularly good episode of The X-Files, in which only Mulder could see that these two normal-looking dudes chatting in a diner were really a couple of trolls.


3. Person of Interest
- network: CBS
- Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson, Taraji P. Henson, Kevin Chapman
Person of Interest focuses on Reese (Caviezel, who was the very longsuffering Jesus in The Passion of the Christ) and Finch (Emerson, who was the very creepy Ben on Lost [and—trivia!—is married to Carrie Preston, who plays Arlene in True Blood]). Mysterious billionaire software genius Finch invented a computer program to identify people about to be involved in violent crimes; he teams up with special covert operations guy Reese. Together they stop crime before it happens … but their vigilante justice attracts unwanted attention from NYPD detectives Carter (Henson) and Fusco (Chapman). Sounds promising. I’m reminded of Minority Report, which I thoroughly enjoyed. And I bet there are some intriguing skeletons lurking in Finch’s closet …


4. The Secret Circle
- network: The CW
- Natasha Henstridge, Gale Harold, Britt Robertson, Thomas Dekker
Girl is orphaned after mother dies in tragic fire, girl moves to small town to live with grandma, girl discovers she and a bunch of her new friends are witches. I’m anticipating a season full of magic, mysteries, and adolescent angst. Yes, I know this show is geared toward teens, but cut me some slack. There’s still a hole in my heart from when 2009’s Eastwick was cancelled. I want a show about witches, dammit! Practically all other creatures/monsters have a show: vampires – Vampire Diaries, werewolves – Teen Wolf, zombies – The Walking Dead. Give sorceresses a shot! (Ooooooh, that would make an awesome t-shirt.) Furthermore, I seriously love Natasha Henstridge (Species I, II, and III; The Whole Nine/Ten Yards; Ghosts of Mars).



5. Suburgatory
- network: ABC
- Jeremy Sisto, Cheryl Hines, Jane Levy, Alan Tudyk
It’s the only comedy on this list for a reason—I just don’t enjoy most tv comedy (ESPECIALLY if it has a laugh track). But Suburgatory sounds promising. Plot: a divorced dad leaves New York City to give his teen daughter a better life in the suburbs … where she is disturbed by how Stepford Wives-perfect everyone/everything seems. Kinda sorta reminds me of my reaction when I went back to private school after three years of public school, lol. It’ll be fun to see Jeremy Sisto (one of my major celebrity crushes) do comedy; I’ve seen him only in serious/scary stuff (Wrong Turn, Six Feet Under, Law & Order). And Alan Tudyk (Serenity, V, 3:10 to Yuma)??? Um, yay!