Project Runway 10/13/11

Warning: this recap contains a brief but intense freak-out, for my girl crush’s matchless, inimitable beauty does strange things to my brain. I apologize in advance.

Usually I don’t bother with the show-opening conversations had in the apartments, but Josh and Viktor pissed me off so much that I must vent. First Josh starts off talking about how it took a while to get to know Bert. Yes. Because you’re an insufferable jerk, and you decided for no reason on day one that you didn’t like him. Then Viktor says Bert should have lasted longer than Kimberly. Sure. Because someone who can beat your dress that took two days with her dress that took three hours has no talent whatsoever. Then Josh disses Anya’s entire body of work. Yes. Because those pants he made in the 70s challenge are simply the best thing fashion’s ever seen. EYE ROLL.

The final five head off to Governor’s Island, where Tim instructs them that, using the art on the island as a muse, they must create three pieces. Three DIFFERENT pieces, he specifies. Everyone hops in golf carts and speeds off. Kimberly and Anya are inspired by an art piece. Josh has a brother off serving his country, so Josh is inspired by the “artillerary.” I guess when your ego is as big as his, you feel it’s ok if you create a nonsense word by combining “military” and “artillery.” Laura Kathleen is inspired by circles, Viktor by structure and silhouette.

At Mood, Laura Kathleen decides it has been entirely too long since she reminded us that SHE IS RICH and busts out “When it comes to spending money, I like the finer things in life.” I mean, it’s as if she, Viktor, and Joshua had a meeting in which they discussed ways to remind me why I hate them.


Tim enters. UH OH. With the button bag. Re-UH OH! He announces that they are going to get assistants. Let me guess: former contestants? Yep. Kimberly chooses Becky. Viktor chooses Olivier, who hates fat people. Laura Kathleen chooses Anthony Ryan. Anya chooses Bert, leaving Joshua with Bryce … who’s not looking forward to it because Josh is “controlling.” Yeah, and pretty infantile, too. Jealous that she won the $20k last challenge (and probably still mad that she didn’t decrease her chances of winning by giving him fabric), Josh simply will not stop bashing Anya about dumb stuff like the fact that she’s a beauty queen and made-up stuff like her work shows no range. At one point, Bryce even (meekly) tells him to let it go. Kimberly is giving a repeat performance of last episode, flustered and unsure of what to do. Laura Kathleen is doing the same — then she cries (AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!) tears of self-importance because she just knows she is destined to go to fashion week. Bert and Anya are getting along famously. Olivier, who hates fat people, complains that he is slave labor. Ugh. I can’t believe I was so crazy about him. Tool.


Runway! Please please pleaseness, let two of my three hated jerks go home. Oh — but first:

AAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! There she is! It’s my girl crush, Zoe Saldana! I die! I come back to life! I re-die! She’s sooooooooooooooo prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m twitching! I’m squealing! I’m not worthy! Just, omg, like, look at her! HEY! I SAID LOOK AT HER, DAMMIT! AND THEN FALL TO YOUR KNEES IN REVERENTIAL WORSHIP!

*calming down*


Ok. Runway!

I hate Joshua’s looks. Well — the little white dress isn’t bad. But those other two? I can’t even … they just … NO. And I’m not hating, because when that poofy skirt outfit hit the runway, Joshua himself said “It looks so big. It’s not flattering. But, fake it til you make it.” See? It sucks. Michael Kors called it a “ra-ra skirt.” Yes! That’s it! It’s a bad cheerleader costume. My Zoe says the gown looks like the Statue of Liberty; all the judges dislike his shiny, glittery fabric.


I love Kimberly’s looks. I know it’s sounding like I’m letting how I feel about the designers decide what I like/dislike, but I swear I’m not. Note that the judges are agreeing with me. My Zoe says, “All in all, wow.” MK says the coat needs tailoring, but the gray dress is her strongest piece. Heidi says the looks aren’t very cohesive, but she likes the fabric and the gray dress.



I hate Laura Kathleen’s looks. (I’m not doing this on purpose.) The looks really suck, and I can't believe that mess is what she came up with by being inspired by circles. She cries AGAIN about how badly she wants to go to fashion week. Nobody is moved. Well, I am … to beat her in the face with a hammer. Heidi likes the gown (WHY?), hates the skirt, and feels that the dress doesn’t match the other two pieces. Nina and MK say almost the same thing. My Zoe says the dress looks like a pillowcase with black tape tied around it. Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!


I love Anya’s. (I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!) Nina says the looks are modern and actually look like a cohesive collection. Heidi says the white dress looks a bit like a sheet but loves the black dress. MK says the looks are sophisticated and Anya understands women’s bodies. (Lol at Joshua looking mad and jealous.) My Zoe likes the cuts and says the looks have a futuristic tone … and that she’s a sci fi buff. LIKE ME. I LOVE HER.


I truly like Viktor’s. Oh, pick your jaw up off the floor. I still hate him. Heidi likes them too, but says nothing is wowing her. Nina loves them but says it lacks oomph and is a bit too secretarial. My Zoe says she likes the secretary look, finds a few flaws. MK says it’s a very commercial collection that would actually sell, but the volume needs to be turned up.


Wow. I think that’s the first time my opinions have ever dovetailed so perfectly with the judges’.

Joshua shocks the eff out of me by saying he’d take Viktor … and Anya to fashion week with him. Kimberly says Anya and Laura Kathleen. Anya (who almost starts crying but stops, thank God), says Viktor and Josh. Laura Kathleen (who starts sobbing — KNOCK. IT. OFF.), Viktor and Anya. Viktor, Anya and Josh.

Nobody said Kimberly. :( Haters.

Anya (YAY!), Viktor, and Joshua (DAMMIT!) are safe. Laura Kathleen and Kimberly are in the bottom. Since LK’s looks were so atroshe (that’s my new word), I wasn’t even worried. Suck it, haters! Bye, LK! Your great wealth couldn’t save you.

And now, I leave you with several images of THE MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN ON THE PLANET:

Movie Review: Columbiana, 8/27/11

Revenge, revenge, and more revenge. This movie serves it up in heaps and piles. And as the bullets fly and the body count rises, a new action hero emerges.

Columbiana opens with nine-year-old Cataleya witnessing her parents’ murder in Bogota, then escaping their killers in a delightfully fast-paced chase scene that rivals any from in the Bourne movies — and that awesome one in the beginning of Casino Royale. Little orphan Cataleya then makes her way to her Uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis: 10,000 B.C., Live Free or Die Hard) in Chicago and informs him, “I want to be a killer.”

Fast forward to fifteen years and a whole lot of dead bodies later; all-grown-up Cataleya (Zoe Saldana: Avatar, Star Trek) is an ass-kicking, gun-toting assassin who, in addition to taking her uncle’s assignments, has a pet project: killing everyone involved with murdering her parents. Also in the mix are an artist boyfriend (Michael Vartan: Alias, Hawthorne), who doesn’t even know that he doesn’t even know her real name, and an FBI agent (Lennie James: Snatch, The Walking Dead) hot on her trail.


I suppose all the comparisons to 1994’s The Professional — also directed by Luc Besson, also about a female seeking revenge after her family is killed — are inevitable, but honestly, the movies aren’t at all similar. The Professional is about a 12-year-old girl. Cataleya is a grown woman, hear her roar, and
her cold-blooded settling of scores is better compared to the bad-assery of Uma Thurman's and Linda Hamilton's characters in Kill Bill and Terminator 2. Oh, and lest we get bored with simple shootings, we’re treated to a goodly array of murder methods: one bad guy is killed by his pet sharks; another is electrocuted in the bathtub; etc.


Good acting is often sorely lacking in action movies; not so here. Curtis, Vartan, and James all play their parts well. Heck, even the young actress who plays nine-year-old Cataleya (Amandla Stenberg: The Hunger Games) does a good job. And Saldana (who, I maintain, should have at least gotten an Oscar nod for playing Neytiri in Avatar, dammit) shines as the tough-yet-tormented main character. Cataleya kills — often — but she also cuddles with grandma, critiques art, and cries over departed loved ones. Is Saldana convincing as an action hero? At the end of a particularly pivotal fight scene, everyone in the movie theater cheered and applauded. So, yes.


There are a few departures from reality — Will a vomited-up computer chip really still work perfectly? Are all ventilation shafts that large, shiny, and clean? Can one shoot up a whole neighborhood in broad daylight in front of witnesses galore then simply walk away? Is every DMV in America staffed only by fat, sassy black women? — but overall, Columbiana is an exciting, explosion-filled romp of a good time. I hope that it, Angelina Jolie’s Salt, and the forthcoming Haywire are the start of many more tough chicks in action flicks!

Thanks for paving the way, Sigourney Weaver.