Top Chef, 12/7/11

Padma and guest judge Dean Fearing, whose last name is like totally a verb, inform the chefs that this Quickfire will test their saucier skills. Everyone must make a new sauce based on one of the five “mother sauces”: béchamel, espagnole, velouté, hollandaise, or tomate. Oh man, I used to looooooooooooove a good sauce drizzled on some delicious meat; these days, I still cherish it, on some fire-roasted veggies or expertly seasoned seitan or tofu. Because I could drink a bucket of béchamel, I paid attention to those dishes. Edward’s cauliflower milk béchamel over snapper, crab, and oyster looks yum; Heather’s gruyere croquette over apple and ginger compote with Asian slaw is savory + sweet nastiness; Dakota’s is a severely complicated peach-infused béchamel (GROSS!) creation that I gave up trying to type after having to rewind five times. It lands her in the bottom. Edward totally triumphed in Battle Béchamel. The Quickfire winner is Grayson; her charred corn hollandaise over corn ravioli with a blueberry balsamic reduction wins her immunity.

For the elimination challenge, everyone has to work together to create a four-course steak dinner for 200 Texans. The winner of this challenge will win a brand new TOYOTA TOYOTA TOYOTA Venza. Two of the four dishes must contain steak, which must be cooked medium rare. OH NO. I’m going to have to watch steaks being cut open to make sure they’re bleeding. :( You can call me unsophisticated, but the only way I could eat steak during my carnivore days was well done. Bloody meat is DISGUSTING. Oh, and I wasn’t alive when Dallas started airing, so I never watched it, so I can’t join in the merriment at serving on the Southfork Ranch.

Sarah, Beverly, Dakota will make soup. Nyesha, Ty-lör, Whitney, and Ponytail Chris are making sirloin; Edward, Paul, and Cute Chris are making ribeyes. Heather, Lindsay, and Grayson are making dessert. (Note: the first- and fourth-course folks are showing some pretty smart strategery; it’s the meat that’ll be judged most harshly.) Heather’s playing it hella safe, making the same cake that was such a hit during the quinceanera challenge. The next day is a flurry of prep. Heather says Beverly’s taking too long with the shrimp. Dakota calls Heather an obnoxious bully. Nyesha is heating up her knives with a blowtorch; I don’t know why, but it looks really damn cool. Dean and Tom quiz everyone about what they’re cooking. (Texasism: instead of po-tay-toe, Dean pronounces it p-tay-tuh. “This is the ptaytuh for the steak?” Lol. The variations in Southern accents tickle me. We Floridians don’t pronounce it that way.)

Serving time! Oh yay, the dinner is a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. I’ll refrain from all the nasty meat comments I was gonna make, since this is for a good cause. Eff off, cancer. Eff off and die.

The first course is a tomato, cucumber, and watermelon gazpacho served with an olive oil-poached shrimp. (YUCK. Not my cup of tea.) It mostly goes over well. Second course is grilled New York strip steak carpaccio with mushroom “bacon” and a salad of heirloom tomato and asparagus and pistachio vinaigrette. Tom says the asparagus is undercooked and the dish has no point of view; Handsome Hugh says he would’ve peeled the tomatoes; Dean says the steak is cooked well. Then there’s a time issue in the kitchen; the steaks were apparently cooked too soon. Uh oh. Third course is grilled ribeye, potato gratin, and braised Brussels sprouts and greens, with bone marrow-red onion compound butter and some unnamed sauce. Dean says the steaks aren’t medium rare. Uh oh. Tom says the potatoes are undercooked. (I’m mad I was robbed of the chance to hear Dean say “ptaytuhs” again.”)

Fourth course is a “right side up” Texas peach cake with shaved peach salad and candied pecan streusel. Heather says they didn’t make a very sweet dessert because they wanted to serve something light after that heavy dinner. Wtf? Unless dinner was a 5-lb bag of sugar and a milkshake, DESSERT SHOULD ALWAYS BE SWEET. THE SWEETER THE BETTER. If anybody ever served me a barely sweet dessert, I’d return it with a death threat. Heather’s cake, same as last time, is a crowd pleaser, but Handsome Hugh says the cream needed sugar. Hear hear, Handsome Hugh! Tom says he was ok with it cuz he doesn’t like sweet desserts. EPIC AND EVERLASTING FAIL, TOM. Guess that explains why Gail, not Tom, is the judge on Top Chef Just Desserts. And why I superlove her.

In the top are Nyesha (black girl high five!), Heather, and Ponytail Chris. Between Ponytail Chris’s carpaccio, Heather’s “light as a feather” cake, and Nyesha’s sauce and compound butter … the cake wins. Heather gets the Toyota Venza. Ty’s mis-cooked steak, Whitney’s potato gratin, and Edward’s asparagus-tomato salad land them in the bottom. (Note: no one from the first or fourth courses is in the bottom. Told you that was smart strategery.) Tom is really mad at the boring and poorly cooked food. And … Whitney goes home. I disagree with both those decisions. It was a steak challenge. Ponytail Chris should have won; and Ty should have gone home.

Terra Nova, 11/14/11

Taylor and Rick are off fishing and, judging by the huge hunks of meat they’re using as bait, it ain’t for catfish. Back at TN, Elizabeth gets Maddy all super-nerd excited about the chance to meet Ken Horton, famed author and geologist, returning from a six-month expedition today. Horton’s convoy rolls into the opened gates with much fanfare and applause. Chief Science Officer Malcolm warmly welcomes him back; Horton calls him the wrong name then asks him to get the bags. I guess that title doesn’t carry as much weight as Malcolm thinks it does, heh. (Random: wow, did the character-creating department have a field day with this guy. He has longish, shaggy hair; walks with a limp and a cane; has a pronounced accent; and wears a skinny scarf looped and knotted around his neck and jodhpur pants tucked into knee-high boots. I think I know what I’m going to be next Halloween.)

Tom the Mole informs Josh that it’s time to do that favor for Mira. An illness has swept through the Sixers’ camp, Tom the Mole says, and they need a medicine: Azameth Schedule II Isomorph. (That’s a mouthful. What happened to simple names like Aspirin and Aleve?) The azameth is kept under tight security; Josh is going to have to steal Elizabeth’s key card to get it. Skye later tries to convince Josh not to do it and reminds him he doesn’t even really know if they can bring his girlfriend to TN. Strange that she should make that prudent point, when she’s the one who told Josh that Tom could do it in the first place. Anyway, Josh tells Tom that before he’ll get the meds, he wants proof that Cara’s coming. That night he’s sneaked into the Sixers’ camp (where I see not one sick person, mind you!), and Mira lets him talk to Cara via hologram/video phone-thingy for a few seconds. I’m imagining all kinds of ways that could’ve been faked, but it’s proof enough for Josh, and he agrees to get the azameth.

(Random: I want to know what “Maddy” is short for. Madeline? Margaret? Madison?) Maddy gushes to Horton about how awesome his book is; he asks her if she’d like to be his intern. She jumps at the chance and then starts the UH OHness. Firstly, she makes a dorky geologist joke, and Horton laughs like he’s never heard it, although it’s in his book. Secondly, she asks if he ever [did some sciencey thing], and he says no, despite the fact that in a response to fan mail she sent him years ago, he’d said he could wait to. Thirdly, upon examining that letter he sent her, Maddy realizes the signature on it doesn’t match the autograph he just signed on her book. Maddy’s troubled by all this, but Elizabeth brushes it off reminding her that Horton has had a stroke; maybe that explains the discrepancies.


Rick and Taylor are hiking back to their rover when they come across an abandoned campsite. The Sixers wouldn’t leave such an obvious camp, so Taylor assumes it’s Currin, the soldier he recently banished from TN. Taylor tells Rick to head on back to camp; he (Taylor) is staying OTG one more day. (That’s “outside the gate.” Learn your TN acronyms already!)


As Horton limps and Maddy walks around an apple orchard ruined by black mold, she gives him the letter, which he’d asked to see, then asks him about an expedition he went on. It was apparently a big deal, but he remembers nothing, blaming it on old age. He then tries to wow her by letting her release a colony of flying beetles that will eat the mold and save the apples (very cool special effect right there), but Maddy’s suspicions are not eased, especially when she later asks for the letter back and Horton claims to have misplaced it. Since Elizabeth didn’t take her seriously, Maddy runs her suspicions by Zoe. Who, as an adorable six-year-old, can’t really help, but does provide an excuse for us to get to hear Maddy explaining her hunches out loud all episode long. Maddy waits til Horton leaves the lab, then sneaks in to look for her letter. Just as she finds its burned remains in the trash; he comes back. She scoots under a table and watches as he stops using his cane and walks perfectly fine, then starts limping as he leaves. Old age and stroke can’t explain that away! Maddy suspects he’s an impostor. She tests the DNA from an envelope the real Horton licked against the DNA from a cup the might-be-fake Horton just drank from, sharing her theory with CSO Malcolm. Alas, the test results are a match. Alas again, the might-be-fake Horton was eavesdropping on the entire conversation.


Josh steals Elizabeth’s key card and takes it to Tom, who makes an unidentifiable copy and gives Josh a stun gun to use on the lowest setting in case anyone interrupts him. Josh breaks into the hospital and tries the key card, but it doesn’t work — Gee, thanks, Tom. — so Josh cranks the gun all the way up and shoots the locked cabinet doors. The blast throws him backward, but he staggers to his feet and does the job. Rick gets back to TN just in time to investigate to robbery.


Taylor finds Currin, who has a festering leg wound. Like the rest of us, Currin wonders if Taylor's there to kill him, but Taylor gives him something for the infection, puts maggots on the wound (They’ll eat the dead flesh, you see.), and scares off the bloody huge komodo dragon that bit Currin and is hanging around waiting for him to die. (Let's just call it, right here and right now: Taylor is the bad assiest bad ass ever to bad assify. The End.) Why's Taylor being so nice? It ain't cuz he's just feeling friendly. When Currin’s better, Taylor instructs him to go to the Sixers’ camp and become Taylor’s mole. If he does, Taylor might let him back into TN; if he doesn’t, Taylor might kill him. Currin chooses option A.

Refusing to let this go — I’m loving how Nancy Drew she is this episode — Maddy visits The Eye and finds out that the real Horton’s research assistant, who could well have licked closed and mailed that envelope, is now missing, and that just before Horton was scheduled to come to TN, an unidentified male’s body was found. Fake Horton enters The Eye just then, but before he can do anything to her, someone wanders in and Maddy takes off running. To go tell her mom? To go sound the alarm? No. To pick Zoe up from school. WTF? Anyway, she’s too late; Fake Horton has kidnapped Zoe to lure Maddy to the apple orchard. Maddy sends Zoe give Rick a coded message; he finds her just as Fake Horton is trying to induce death by spider bite. Whew!


Rick and Elizabeth chide Maddy (gently, cuz she was just almost murdered) about trying to handle this herself. Yeah! She could’ve at least told her hot boyfriend! During this conversation, Josh does that thing that only happens in movies/on television: wracked with guilt, he suddenly decides to come clean about the whole thing: trying to illegally get Cara on the next Pilgrimage, stealing the azameth, giving it to the Sixers, Tom being the mole. Tom is arrested (though I seriously doubt that the Sixers have only one mole in TN, so do your job, Currin.), during which Rick roughs him up cuz Rick's mad that Tom got Josh involved with the Sixers — in which case, it should really be Skye that Rick is slamming into walls.

When Taylor hears the Sixers can communicate with 2149 w/o the portal being open, he realizes his son Lucas is in cahoots with them. :( He looks so sad.

Top Chef, 11/9/11

Time for the last ten chefs to try to win a chef’s coat.

Group Three:
Everyone enters the Top Chef kitchen, where Padma, Tom, and Hugh Acheson (I LOVE HIM, and I am so stoked that he’s a judge this season!!!) are waiting. The chefs introduce themselves. Ok, it happened again. I said last week that I wasn’t going to pick early faves — and then promptly fell for Nyesha. This week I’m falling for Chaz. The other chefs are touting their accolades and awards; however, Chaz cracks everybody up with, “I was nominated by my mom as one of her two favorite sons.” LOL. Plus, he kinda looks like my friend Charles.

After some discussion and a game of rock-paper-scissors, the chefs decide who gets which tray of ingredients. On each tray, something secret is hiding under a cloche. “Ready, set, lift!” Padma says, and the chefs find timers with the amount of time they have to cook: 60, 40, or 20 minutes. All the 20 minuters are, of course, mad. Cooking begins. Tom and Hugh walk around the kitchen intimidating-oops-I-mean-observing everyone.


Oh my god. Watching Beverly go to town on that nasty nasty gross octopus is making me physically ill. I freely admit that I’m a bit of a culinary wuss: I gladly leave eating the out-there stuff to others. OH NO — Chaz got risotto. Anything but that! Throughout the seasons, having to cook risotto has been the downfall of many a contestant. “It’s been a stumbling block for a lot of Top Chef people in the past,” Hugh says. :( And Chaz has only 40 minutes!

20-Minute Peeps

- Kim: pan-seared lamb chop with kalamata olives, arugula, and pan jus
- Andrew: roasted mushrooms with spinach, poached egg, and a brown butter vinaigrette (Vegetarian dish. More challenging, if you ask me.)
- Paul: grilled trout with rustic Asian tomato salad

Paul: in. Kim: out. Andrew: must cook again. When Andrew enters the stew room, where the other chefs who have to cook again are waiting, somebody asks him, “What are you in for?” Ha ha ha ha hahaha!

40-Minute Peeps

- Chaz: loses track of time, has nothing plated when clock runs out, is sent home. DAMN YOU, RISOTTO!!!
- Berenice: Asian style short rib with cabbage slaw
- Laurent: duck with lemon uzu curd and arugula sautéed with pomegranate molasses
- Jonathan: Spanish style brussel sprouts atop tomato sofrito with paprika and hazelnut gremolata

Jonathan and Berenice: out. Laurent: must cook again.

See? See what I mean about vegetarian dishes being harder to make? In both rounds, vegetarian dishes totally tripped up the chefs. Anybody can work magic with a slab of meat. Making a satisfying, delicious meatless meal is much, MUCH harder and requires way more skill.


60-Minute Peeps

Ok, Lindsay is good people. She tells a struggling Ashley how to take the lid off the pressure cooker. Some would have just let her struggle.
- Ashley: Filipino “kare-kare,” a braised oxtail dish
- Lindsay: braised veal over polenta with a warm salad and charred pickled carrots
- Beverly: Korean “nakji bokum,” an octopus dish (YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK)

Lindsay (yay!) and Beverly: in. Ashley: out.

And now it’s down to all the chefs who had to cook again. Edward: “If they leave me here in the stew room long enough, I’m going to kill the other five people to get that jacket.” HA HA! These six are competing for the last two available spots. They have 45 minutes and can use any ingredient in the kitchen to make an amazing dish. No mercyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!


- Edward: bbq duck, pickled corn, and candied bacon over sweet Asian custard
- Molly: jumbo stuffed prawn with a mousseline of shrimp over uzu burblanc with ponzu pudding and soy glazed watermelon (When it takes me that long to type the dish, I get irritated.)
- Janine: seared scallop with baby clams, bacon, corn, watermelon, and snap peas
- Grayson: bacon-wrapped shrimp over polenta with a port wine fig sauce
- Laurent: tartare scallop, and seared scallop with relish over fennel with saffron
- Andrew: mussels cooked in sherry with fregula pasta, charred corn panna cotta, and charred shrimp

How funny that 5 out of 6 chose seafood. Noticing this, Edward strategically chose duck, but then he grossed me out making a sweet + savory dish. I reiterate for the umpteen quillionth time: I HATE SWEET + SAVORY, and I wish to Almighty God it would hurry up and be considered passé. Please, culinary world? Please stop trying to make dinner + dessert a thing.

Out: Molly, Laurent, Janine, and Andrew. In: Grayson and Edward. I’m hoping he doesn’t sugar it up all season long, but I’m cool with Edward cuz he made me laugh.

Terra Nova, 11/7/11

Instead of people being eaten, this episode opens with a calming scene of domesticity for a change. Josh and Maddy are getting on each other’s nerves, Elizabeth is leaving for work, Rick is about to take Zoe to a secret location he hasn’t divulged “because no one in this family can keep a secret.” Huh? Hold your horses there, buddy. You and Elizabeth hid Zoe for three years, you’re not telling Taylor what Mira told you, Maddy’s sneaking out to see Hot Mark (Approve.), and Josh is in cahoots with the Sixers. Except for Zoe, I’d say you’re all pretty damn secretive.


Chief Science Officer Malcolm and Taylor are examining that shiny box Mira sent Newt-oops-I-mean-Lea to Terra Nova to get. They still can’t figure out how to open it.

FINALLY, this show tries to discourage and not encourage underage drinking. Instead of showing the happy teenagers indulging, we see Hunter doubled up on an examination table, sick after drinking the juice of an unfermented taroca root. Elizabeth lectures for a bit, then examines him and sees A THIRTY-FOOT TAROCA WORM GROWING INSIDE HIM. See kids? There are repercussions for drinking, whether it’s a DUI, unadulterated parental fury, or a ginormous prehistoric intestinal parasite.


Rick takes Zoe to The Eye, which is a supercool digital history library that shows you whatever you want. She wants to see where she was born; he shows her the house way out in the middle of nowhere where he and Elizabeth sneaked off to have her. Then she wants to go on a virtual roller coaster ride. I’m jealous; it looks fun. Hot Mark takes Maddy to a field where pretty flowers are growing — how very Twilight of him — so they can picnic. She calls him beautiful; he calls her perfect. They start to kiss, but are interrupted (Dammit!) by a rumbling in the distance.

It’s a meteor hurtling through the sky! (Side note: it’s kind of pretty.) It emits an electromagnetic pulse that causes a Terra Nova-wide power outage, interrupting Rick and Zoe’s roller coaster ride and stopping Hunter’s worm removal surgery before it evens starts. Then it slams into the ground, sending a destructive sonic wave through the camp. The hospital is overrun with injured people, Hunter’s going to have to have that worm taken out the old fashioned way, Rick and Zoe are trapped in the basement, and their rover is dead so Hot Mark and Maddy have to hike the six kliks back to camp.

CSO Malcolm can make replacement chips to fix all the broken electronic stuff … after his chip-making machine is itself fixed. Which only Tom the Mole can do. Taylor, no fan of Tom’s (Oh, just wait til you find out he’s the mole, Taylor!), actually growls. HA! He hasn’t done that since the premiere. Out in the forest, Mira gets word that TN has “gone dark.” She orders everyone to prepare for a raid. Ooooooooh, but the last time the Sixers stormed the castle, Taylor said if they did it again, the isht would hit the fan!


As Elizabeth cuts Hunter open and starts extracting the parasite, Skye watches. She's a much cooler cucumber than Maddy was that day she observed her mom working. (Hunter asks why he can't be put to sleep; Elizabeth sayz cuz with the power out, she wouldn't be able to monitor his vitals. YEAH RIGHT. She just wants him wide awake to have to endure the consequences of drinking. High five, Elizabeth!) When she has to go help some severely wounded soldier, Skye takes over. As she’s working, Hunter tells her he likes her and wishes she weren’t in love with Josh. The worm, having had quite enough of this incredibly awkward conversation, re-enters Hunter and starts wreaking havoc. Elizabeth sends Skye running to Tom for the first available chip to work some suddenly desperately needed surgical equipment. Night falls out in the forest, where the Sixers are driving a huge dino toward TN. Elsewhere, Hot Mark and Maddy have covered themselves in smelly mud and climbed a tree to stay safe til morning. They kiss! They kiss! Yay! Awwwwwwww!


After Zoe crawls through a shaft and unlocks the door from the outside, she and Rick are finally free; he sends her to school and joins Taylor and the soldiers at the gate … just in time to see the raging dino approach. Unperturbed as always, Taylor hands Rick a crossbow, and they shoot some flammable arrows that erupt into a dino-deterring wall of flame. But Taylor realizes this was a diversion. He and Rick head off to the research lab, where Mira’s impenetrable box is.


Josh rushes the chip to Elizabeth; Hunter is saved. Maddy sneaks back home before anybody misses her. Rick and Taylor enter the lab, Taylor gets shot with an arrow, Rick goes running after Carter, who has the box, Tom enters and shoots the guy fighting Taylor (Good call, cuz that'll totally convince Taylor that Tom's not the mole.), Rick chases Carter all over camp, but he gets away and gives the box to Mira.

They take it to … Taylor’s son! The box is a computer of sorts containing information he needs to do his research. Mira warns him that Taylor probably knows he’s getting close to an answer; he responds Taylor will have to kill him to stop him.

Top Chef: Texas, 11/2/11

Premiere, Part One


I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to pick an early fave, cuz my early fave never wins. You hear me, reality tv gods? If I don’t tell you who I like, you can’t send him/her home just to spite me! SO THERE!

“It’s Texas. They made it bigger.” This season is starting off with like 30+ chefs instead of the usual 16. Standing in front of the Alamo, Padma (Hey Padma!) greets the chef army and welcomes them to Top Chef Texas — then it’s down to business. She informs them that they will be put into three groups, with everyone in the group competing against each other to make it into the 16.


Group One:
Tom (Hey Tom!) and Emeril tell the chefs they must use part of a partially butchered pig to create a feast. Begin cooking! Tyler brags about himself, but then hasn’t a bloody clue how to cut up the pig. He grabs a saw. A saw???!?!?? It's a pig, not a log! Colin isn’t doing much better, but in his defense, he runs a vegan restaurant. Chris takes over for him. Tyler’s butchering is so bad that Tom and Emeril send him home. First casualty! No jacket for you! Interesting to see all the creative ways the chefs are cooking pig. More to it than just bacon and ham sandwiches, eh? Time! Oh darn — the second casualty is my fellow meat-avoider Colin, who gets axed for serving super sloppy plates.



- Chris J.: candied peanuts, caramel apple stuffed with braised pork belly and sweet applesauce. YUCK YUCK THAT’S DISGUSTING I HATE SAVORY + SWEET HATE SAVORY + SWEET HATE IT HATE IT YUCK.
- Sarah: pig skin ravioli
- Molly: smoked sweet potato soup with simmered pork cheek and tequila cilantro lime cream
- Grayson: mushroom-stuffed tenderloin with haricot vert and hazelnuts
- Nyesha (Omg, homegirl alert! Wait — oops. Disregard that burst of enthusiasm, reality tv gods. It meant nothing!): braised pork shoulder ravioli with roasted corn, tomato, and pepita salsa
- Richie: onion soup with crispy and braised pig ears, pickled shallots, frozen parsley powder, and mushrooms
- Simon: ham roulade stuffed with fig confit and goat cheese.
- Heather: ribs over grits with blue cheese, corn, and bacon. Holy crap, it looks good. It’s the first dish that if I ate meat I would nom nom nom.

Out: Simon. Must cook again: Molly and Grayson. In: Chris J., Sarah, Nyesha (YAY!), Heather, and Richie.


Group Two:
Padma, Gail (Hey Gail!), and Tom instruct everyone to agree on one ingredient to cook with; rabbit is chosen. Begin cooking! Chris C. says his style is like that of Richard Blais and Michael Voltaggio. *eye roll* Invoking the name of past winners: lame. Dakota is pairing chocolate and rabbit. :( Time! Nina is immediately eliminated for not finishing her plate. No jacket for you!

- Whitney: rabbit sugo with tomatoes, garlic, shallots, asparagus and bacon
- Keith: rabbit three ways — herb-seared tenderloin, chicken fried rabbit with potato hash, braised rabbit confit. It looks nom nom nom.
- Edward: butter poached rabbit with butternut squash puree
- Janine: rabbit three ways — bacon-rabbit nugget over corn grits, white asparagus with rack of rabbit, loin saltimboccoa with mushroom hash
- Chuy: adobo-marinated loin with cashew pipian, queso fresco, and grilled zucchini
- Chris C.: rabbit two ways — confit leg and butter-seared tenderloin over carrot polenta
- Ty-lör (a big fat WTF to that spelling): confit leg with pickled pepper cucumber with tomatoes in fish sauce
- Dakota: roasted rabbit saddle crepinettes white asparagus, leeks, and mushrooms with cocoa-vinegar bulgar wheat. Oh. That’s less gross than what I was picturing.

Must cook again: Edward, Janine. In: Chris C., Kieth, Whitney, Dakota, Chuy, and Ty-lör.

Oh, Top Chef. How I have missed thee!

Terra Nova, 10/31/11

Yeah, um … with the double threat of Sixers and all manner of dinosaurs roaming the forest, I would very much NOT be the soldier sent out alone at night. And Soldier Foster proves why when he arrives at Communication Relay Station 19A — then is promptly eaten. :( The next morning, as his remains are carried out, Chief Science Officer Malcolm (he gets mad if you don’t call him that) explains to Taylor and Jim that it was a narcoraptor. “Narcoraptor”???? Ha ha ha! Narcotics. Narcolepsy. It kills you, then gets high, then falls asleep. Ha ha ha! Oh — wait. Jim pronounces it more clearly: “nikoraptor.” Damn British accent.

Josh is hard at work in the bar, because teenagers can work in bars on Terra Nova, when his boss, Tom the Mole, tells Josh he’s going to have to do something if he wants Cara brought to TN. Uh oh.

CSO Malcolm brings a cracked dino egg back to the hospital, where Elizabeth’s busy autopsying Foster at Jim's request. When she finds the blood of both a nikoraptor and its prey on Foster’s body, Jim tells Taylor and Lt. Wash that he (Jim) thinks somebody set Foster up. Death by niko, if you will. Taylor’s skeptical, but tells Wash and Jim to investigate. They head to the bar to question Foster’s two friends, one of whom is Maddy’s boyfriend Hot Mark. “Hey Mr. Shannon,” he says dully, and I’m thoroughly disappointed he wasn’t all, “Most enthusiastic greetings and salutations, good sir.” I guess sadness over the death of his friend has robbed him of his penchant for old-timey talk. Hot Mark and Other Friend tell Wash and Jim that Foster had a secret girlfriend, whose pic he was always looking at on his computerized dog tag thingy. (Random: I totally dig how Wash wears her gun in a thigh holster. IN A THIGH HOLSTER. Cool factor: off the charts.) She and Jim head to the hospital to get Foster’s personal effects … just in time to see CSO Malcom’s dino egg quiver. Omg! Yes! Raise it and try to domesticate it! That would be so awesome! Why hasn’t he tried this already? CSO duty FAIL.

The locator in Foster’s tag is on the move. Because it’s inside the niko that ate him. Dinosaur huntin’ time. Oh man, it looks like fun! Driving rovers and motorcycles at top speed, they chase it down and tranq it. Nope, they don’t kill it, to the overwhelming approval of PETA. Wash, who’s a combat medic (who once had to put 67 stitches in Taylor’s side), does a bit of surgery and cuts it open to get what they need. She recognizes the pic on Foster’s tag, some chick who works in the mess hall. They question her and her nervous husband, who doesn’t need much prodding before he admits to killing Foster. The first murder in TN! Taylor has to decide if he’s going to banish Hubby or imprison him. Jim and Elizabeth argue about it later: she thinks banishments is cruel; he’s of the opinion that he’d much rather have been banished to a sunny jungle, dinos or no dinos, than imprisoned for several years; she says what if Hubby was forced to confess? (It’s entirely too convenient that she hit upon that, but) Jim, remembering how jumpy the dude was, has to pause.

At the hospital, CSO Malcolm has discovered the baby inside the dino egg has birth defects. Elizabeth insists they try to save it. I do too. During a stroll through the marketplace, Josh tells Sky that Tom the Mole wants him to meet with Mira. She tries to convince him not to do it, but Josh had three friends who killed themselves because 2149 sucked so bad, and he’ll do anything to get Cara out of there. Skye says she’ll go with him.


Hubby is banished! (And I fully support Taylor in that decision.) Jim strolls into the jungle to check on him. “Between the wildlife and the Sixers, there’s a lot of ways to die in this jungle,” he says. Oh, hello, very first sentence of this recap. So, Hubby didn’t kill Foster; he confessed only cuz he thought Wifey did it. But she didn’t do it either. There’s still a murderer on the loose! Taylor’s understandably furious that Jim went after Hubby, tells Jim he best find out if there even is a real killer, and fast, or else Hubby is going to be re-banished faster than you can say “And stay out!”

At the hospital, CSO Malcolm watches Elizabeth perform in-egg surgery on the dino baby, complimenting her skill. *eye roll* Malcolm, please get a girlfriend.


Jim following up on a new lead, Wifey telling him that Foster had a gambling problem and that Tom the Mole runs the illegal gambling, leads him to the bar, where he’s shocked to see Josh. WTF. How could he not know that his son has a job? Anyway, Jim sends Josh home; Tom the Mole is arrested. Curiously, during Tom the Mole’s interrogation, Other Friend shoots Hot Mark a nervous glance, which Hot Mark either doesn’t notice or pretends not to see. Oh, ok. The arrest of Tom the Mole was a ruse to flush out Other Friend, who is the killer. Out in the forest, Taylor beats his ass square for killing Foster, then banishes him. (Prediction: he’s going to join the Sixers.) And since Tom the Mole played along helping to catch Other Friend, Jim lets Josh go back to working in the bar.

Josh and Skye meet with Mira and the Sixers. She says that she’ll help bring Cara to TN if Josh agrees to help her at some point in the future. Deal? He says yes. No, Josh. Nooooooooooooooooooo.

The egg hatches, and a healthy little baby dino pops out. Yay!

Terra Nova, 10/10/11

Stupid baseball delay. I hate you.

At an outpost research facility, a strangely acting dude chases a bright green beetle the size of a catcher’s mitt (*shudder*), passing a room from which we hear a scream and “HELP ME!” Whoa. Are people being tortured/ experimented on? Beetle Dude wanders outside in search of his little friend — then reminds us all why I’m still (Yes! Still!) mad at the kids for sneaking out of the compound in episode one: he is promptly eaten by a carnosaur.

Later, back at TN, Jim’s helping Elizabeth prep for a trip to go look for the facility staff, who haven’t been heard from now in 72 hours. Jim tells her to hurry back cuz that “Reynolds kid” is coming over — finally, we learn Hot Soldier’s name. Malcolm wants to go with them; Taylor tells him no.
She kisses Jim goodbye, twice (“Doc?” Taylor says impatiently, echoing how I’m feeling), and hops into the rover with Taylor … and a black guy. THEY BETTER NOT KILL THE BLACK GUY. As they drive off, Jim is jealous that Malcolm, who's just the Chief Science Officer (CSO), has a rover for personal use when he, who's the only cop, does not. Oh hush, Jim. You’re the only cop — among scores of armed soldiers.

At the facility, Taylor, Elizabeth and the black guy, Brady, find two scientists strapped to a table and one wandering around with amnesia, but no sign of Beetle Dude. Brady is sent to look for him while Taylor and Elizabeth watch a tape of Beetle Dude and learn that the culprit of the memory loss is a pathogen. Which they might have been exposed to, so Taylor says they can’t return to TN til they’re sure they’re not a danger. So much for being there when Hot Reynolds comes over. Brady finds Beetle Dude's boots ... with his feet still in them.


Back at TN, Zoe and Maddy pop by the infirmary cuz Zoe has a cold, which Maddy warns Jim not to get. “I never catch colds!” he exclaims. (Prediction: he’s going to catch a cold.) At the house inhabited by 16-yr-olds, Josh is playing guitar and hanging with Skye. (Max, whom I have a crush on, is all healed up from episode 1’s dino wounds, I’m glad to see.) The kids’re playing a drinking game in which they take a shot every time they see a falling star. *sigh* Where the hell are their parents? (Well, except Skye’s. Hers are dead.) Skye compliments Josh’s guitar playing and puts a hand on his leg. *re-sigh*

Elizabeth chats via videophone with Jim. He sneezes, then explains that he caught Zoe’s cold. (I'm psychic.) After they hang up, Elizabeth wonders, “Who’s Zoe?” UH OH. At the Shannon home, Hot Reynolds and Maddy eat key lime pie under Jim’s watchful eye as she rambles nervously about limes in the future. Call me old-fashioned, but I totally approve of Hot Reynolds/Maddy over Josh/Skye. One’s going to result in a wedding; the other, a teen pregnancy. Oh, and look. Josh and Skye’re making out — but then Josh breaks it off (whew!) cuz he’s still pining over the girlfriend he had to leave behind. Skye takes the rejection well, even offers to introduce Josh to a guy who might be able to help bring the girlfriend to TN. Which is how any teen girl would react. NOT.

When Jim hasn’t heard from Elizabeth the next morning, he wants to go check on her, but Lt. Washington, whom Taylor left in charge, says no. Jim makes a beeline for Malcolm, who has his own rover, you'll recall. They head out, Malcolm motivated by feeling that as CSO he should have been made aware of the reason for the quarantine. I forgive his hubris when he thinks to grab face masks for him and Jim. Good call. At the facility, Brady and Taylor are nowhere to be found. Elizabeth whips out a rifle the size of her forgotten child and shoots a stun blast at Jim and Malcolm. THEY TAKE OFF THEIR MASKS. :( Idiots. I expect more from the CSO. To Jim’s chagrin, Elizabeth recognizes Malcolm but not him, which Malcolm doesn’t even TRY to pretend that he’s unhappy about. They convince her she’s sick and they have to cure what’s ailing her, and fast, because the stages of the disease are memory loss, massive memory loss, then catatonia. Jim finds Brady, dead. NOOOOOOOO — oh, wait. Just unconscious. Yay black guy! Then Jim finds Taylor, fully stage two crazy in the head. Taylor splits, headed for TN. Malcolm starts to get sick; Jim is inexplicably immune.


Skye takes Josh to see Tom, a suspicious-looking bartender who “can get things here.” Hot Reynolds visits Maddy, who’s mid-freak out, wondering if Sixers have kidnapped her parents. “It’s not the Sixers,” Hot Reynolds says. Huh? How does he know that? I knew it! He’s the mole!!!



Elizabeth and Malcolm discover the source of the illness: not a pathogen, but a virus, formed as one of the scientists was doing some gene therapy. Which pisses Malcolm off because he hadn’t authorized it. Oh, get off your CSO high horse! Then Malcolm, getting sicker, becomes hysterical, and Jim knocks him unconscious. (Yes, because I’m sure that was the only way to handle that, lol.) Elizabeth realizes Jim is immune because his cold is counteracting the effects of the virus. He promptly kisses her to give it to her. (Yes, because I’m sure that was the only way to handle that, lol.)


Back at TN, Hot Reynolds is trying to stop Maddy, who’s headed to see Lt Washington and demand answers. Oh ok, that’s what he meant by “It’s not the Sixers”: not that he’s privy to Sixer secrets, but that he’s heard through the soldier grapevine that the facility where her parents are has been quarantined. Well, he’s still on my Possible Mole list. Along with Skye. And Tom. (Omg, Hot Reynolds' first name is Mark. Mark and Maddy. IT WAS MEANT TO BE.) Hot Mark and Maddy knock on Wash’s door; she doesn’t answer; they barge in … and crazy-in-the-head Taylor jumps out and puts a knife to Hot Mark’s throat. Wash talks him down, but when she informs him his wife is dead, he tries to slit his own throat. She stun blasts his ass.

When Taylor wakes, everything is back to normal. Which makes two episodes in a row that Elizabeth has saved/helped save the day. Soon she’ll be Chief Medical Officer and have her own rover.


Out in the forest, under cover of night, Mira and the Sixers meet with Tom. HE’S THE MOLE! (My apologies to the falsely accused.) He gives them medicine and rover power cells in exchange for sorghum (it makes the best hooch, you see), then informs them that Josh, “the sherriff’s kid,” now works for him in the bar … information which Mira et al. are veeeeeeeeeeery interested in. Oh lawd, Josh boy, you is in danger!

Falling Skies, 8/7/11

Part I

*sigh* I guess we should have seen this coming. After Weaver’s breakdown last week, he’s embarrassed about his moment of weakness and taking it out on the one guy who witnessed it. But explain this: once Tom et al. got the lowdown from Dai, why didn’t they just call in everybody else and have him repeat the story? That way, everyone would know that Weaver is acting recklessly and not fit for command; then he would have been relieved of duty. This whole running-around-being-secretive plan seems unnecessarily complicated.

Dai shirtless: unexpected hotness.


Eff. If Ben and Rick can feel that they’re changing and can hear radio waves, guess it’s not just a theory anymore. This fact makes me sad cuz even if humans do win the war, that process does not seem reversible. I doubt there’s a “Reverse Human-to-Skitter Transformation” button to be pushed. Ok, I tried to be mad at Pope when he pulled that gun, but I couldn’t, because a. nobody got hurt and it accomplished nothing since Weaver changed his mind, and b. same as when he saved the kids, Pope is driven — and driven hard — by his desire to kill skitters. I gotta respect that. But still, I was glad when Monotone Maggie put him in his place. And Matt, too, with that, "What's it like, having hair like a girl?" Heh. Shut up, Matt. I like Pope’s hair. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Weaver’s not a secret pill-popper anymore! Hugs, not drugs.

(Sci-fi randomness: naming the technician/science guy “Scott”—Star Trek reference? The first time someone makes a “Beam me up, Scotty” joke, I am so screaming aloud: “I called it!)

Part II


UGH at the massively creeptastically creepalicious image of Rick CRAWLING UP A WALL :( Noooooo, I don’t want that to happen to Ben. Ew! That harnessed chick in the woods had green scales growing on her! :( Noooooo, I don’t want that to happen to Ben. Maybe … *grasping at straws* … maybe if you fight the process instead of giving in willingly, it won’t happen so fast. Fight, Ben, fight! Gosh, I can’t believe how nice everyone’s being to Rick! Tom didn’t get mad after finding out Rick had told the skitters the 2nd Mass was attacking, Scott(y) didn’t come back for some vengeance after Rick returned to the school, and nobody saw the need to lock him in a cell or at least keep him under armed 24-hr surveillance despite the fact that he was CRAWLING UP A WALL. The only person showing one iota of wit about this Lourdes. Stupid enough to play piano when being hunted, she was smart enough to hesitate when told to go to the infirmary with Rick. Alas, she eventually went. With the boy who was CRAWLING UP A WALL. *sigh*

Random: Am I the only one who woulda been thoroughly confused by Weaver’s “Squad One: North Leg! Two: East!” etc.? I’d have needed to tap someone on the shoulder and be all, “So, um … which one is ours? No — just point to it.” Lol.


Call me Cheesy McCheeserson, but whenever Tom launches into I-used-to-be-a-history-professor speak to try to boost spirits, I get all riled up, too. I mean, he’s right! A few colonists did kick the ass of the entire British empire. Honestly, when he whipped out Patrick Henry’s “The battle is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, and the brave,” I came THIS close to starting a “SKITTERS DIE!” page on Facebook and buying a rifle. And I cheered, loudly, when those goosestepping mechs were forced to retreat.
Tom kissed Anne! Tom kissed Anne! Finally! Finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The attack on the spacecraft went pretty much as I thought it would: it failed (God, you suck so hard, Rick.), and almost everybody died except Pope and Weaver. I just wanna say one more time how much I like Pope’s hair—AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH nooooooooooooooooooo not the scary silver humanoid alien things!!!!! No, aliens, don’t take Tom! NO, EPISODE, DON’T END!


And now begins the long wait for season two. Where’s Hal? Now that humans have not only tricked-out bullets but also a way to obstruct alien communication, will the tide turn in our favor? Have Porter and the 3rd and 4th Mass been annihilated? Will Ben and Rick be sprouting green scales and extra legs when next we see them? (Noooooo!) Will Tom be harnessed? Will Dai take his shirt off again?

Falling Skies, 7/31/11

True story: I once lost a $100 bet I couldn’t jump rope for 15 minutes. I was fat and out of shape, but heck, I thought, little girls jump rope! It’s not exactly hauling logs! Well, it might as well have been. I made it all of three minutes. So at the beginning of this episode when we learn Ben has been jumping rope for TWO HOURS AND FORTY MINUTES straight, I got the sads, wondering if that’s a subtle hint that he, like Rick, has been irrevocably evil-ized by the skitters. (I keep almost typing “Skittles.” Taste the rainbow.)

ARRRRRRGH! Ok, skitters are ugly and scary, but those emaciated silver giant humanoid aliens are CREEPY.

When the old lady invited Tom and Hal to her place, you may have been worried it was a trap. But this is Lady Killer Hal the Heartthrob, remember? She’s probably just his love interest this episode. Observation: motorcycles make a LOT of noise. Yes, they go fast, but any aliens in the area can hear you coming a mile away. I’d be riding bicycles.

YAY BEN. “I hate the skitters!” he screamed. But why’s his back not healing like all the other ex-harnessees (except Rick)? Oh—because Rick and Ben are slowly transforming into skitters. :( But, so, is Ben evil? Why doesn’t he tell anybody that Rick is a lost cause? Will he stop Rick from warning the skitters that the humans have figured out how to shoot through mek armor? Pardon the barrage of questions, but this the most interesting subplot of the whole show. It’s cute how little Mac and might-be-evil Ben look alike, but Heartthrob Hal looks like he wandered into the family off the street. Lol. Speaking of Heartthrob Hal, the old lady told the aliens where to find him, Tom, and General Sergeant Major Lieutenant Corporal Commander Colonel Captain Weaver because “they promised they’d bring you back.” Toldja she had the hots for him, heh. ARRRRRRGH at seeing the CREEPY emaciated silver giant humanoid aliens through her peephole. Awwwww. :( Poor Weaver. Take note, show writers: after all he’s been through, it would be oh-so touching if his wife and daughter were indeed alive.

FAIL to Anne and Lourdes for dissecting the skitter wearing nothing more for protection than glasses and gloves. Yeah right. I’d have been in four layers of plastic with my entire head Saran Wrapped, breathing through tiny nostril holes. LOL at Pope’s “That is so three weeks ago” and the dirty look he gave the soldiers for pointing their guns at him. I effing love Pope. Hey, where’s Monotone Maggie? I need my weekly dose of her deadpan.

Two-hour season finale next week? This awesomeness is almost over already? :(

Falling Skies, 7/24/11

Wow. Am I psychic or what? Cuz I totally called Pope coming to the kids’ rescue. Granted, he did it because he was more furious that those people were colluding with skitters than he was concerned about the kids’ welfare, lol, but still. It’s the thought that counts. Plus, I dig his sarcasm. And his hair. Lol.

Ok, any points that General Sergeant Major Lieutenant Corporal Commander Colonel Captain Weaver lost for being a little slow to realize that RAD the Pied Piper had lied to them, he gained back by helping to deliver a breech baby. Impressive! Kudos, Weaver. I figured it would be Maggie who helped out, since she and Pregnant Chick are totally all BFF now. (Random: “Charlotte”? Boooooooring! There’s a dang alien invasion taking place! I woulda named my daughter “Revolution” or “Fighter” or “Dta,” pronounced “deeta,” short for “death to aliens.”)

And now to go completely ballistic, cuz some stuff in this episode made me yell at the tv.
1. Hal.
Are you kidding me??? You’re on the run from a group of people who want to GIVE YOU TO THE ALIENS, and you a. choose a house with massive windows to hide in, b. let people sit in front of /play board games in front of said massive windows, and 3. let Lourdes play the piano in an otherwise completely silent neighborhood?? COME ON! I know Hal’s only a high school senior, but my elementary school niece has better survival skills than that! And Lourdes is in medical school. Old enough to know better. Idiots!
2. Hal’s sex appeal.
The kid is cute. No argument there. But just how the hell many love interests is he going to rack up? First his blonde girlfriend (does he even remember her name?), then Lourdes and her crush (If he’s only 17, somebody needs to explain “statutory rape” to her.), then Monotone Maggie, then Tessa at the ranch. It’s getting old. Newsflash, writers: we wanna see Anne and Tom get a little closer. ANNE AND TOM. Not Hal and his weekly female. Thank you.
3. Rick.
HELLOOOOOOO???? Can nobody see that Mike’s son (Rest in peace, Mike. *sad*) is not quite right? For the love of sanity, the kid is practically screaming “I’m no longer human, you fools!” I get that once-harnessed children may be a bit weird (Ben is super strong and seems “like an adult”), but Rick is waaaay beyond that. And he keeps repeatedly blatantly telling people that he’s Team Skitter! I get why Mike (Rest in peace, Mike. *still sad*) may have overlooked Rick’s weirdness, but everybody else needs to WAKE UP!

Falling Skies, 7/10/11

Wow. That Maggie is pretty useful, ain’t she? Killed the rapist racist rednecks, is a great soldier, knows where vast stores of medical drugs are to be found, knows the layout of the hospital, joined the group just in time to be Hal’s replacement love interest. Now, if they can only get her to talk in something other than a monotone.

Whoa! They killed Dr. Douchebag just like that? From the sec we found out he let Tom’s wife die, I knew he was a gonner, but still. That was unexpected.

Oh no. Is General Sergeant Major Lieutenant Corporal Commander Colonel Captain Weaver is a secret pill-popper? Cuz once the supply runs out, bad things could happen. Trust. YAY ANNE: not only is she now the head doctor in charge, but she totally went all girl power and knocked that alien* unconscious. Color me impressed! Ok … just … ewwwwwwwwww. I don’t know why, but I was hella grossed out when the skitter curled itself protectively over the harnessed kids and stroked their heads protectively as they slept. And so relieved when it was killed. Killed Anne style. YAY ANNE.

I know the baby shower scene was supposed to remind us that even in the most dire of circumstances people strive for normalcy blah blah blah, but it just made me sad that that chick has to have a baby during an alien invasion. :( But I was cheered right back up when Ben awoke. “Dad?” YAY BEN. :)

*Really? Nobody (except the pregnant chick) saw a problem with keeping a skitter alive and imprisoned at home base? And even after it killed Dr. Douchebag, GSMLCCCC Weaver still gave it a few hours!..