Hell's Kitchen, 9/19/11

At last, the finale. Finally, we will see Bitchy Elise get what’s coming to her. You gotta hand it to Gordon. Pretending he wanted to keep such a talentless, abrasive, deluded, sorry excuse for a chef around all this time was probably very difficult. But it was good for ratings, so he stuck it out. Now he can give us all what we so desperately want: Bitchy Elise sent home with her tail between her legs. DO THIS, GORDON.

Hour one begins with Will, clearly attempting to assuage his guilt about not having had the decency to say that Jennifer is a better chef than Elise, repeating over and over that his actions had nothing to do with doing anybody a favor; it’s just that Elise actually is a better cook. Who you trying to convince, Will?


Awwww. Seeing the chefs’ families was cute … though in Bitchy Elise’s case, it just made me wonder how she could be such a colossally huge bitch when she’s got such a lovely family. After only minutes (during which Tommy cannot stop kissing his girlfriend), Gordon sends the families away, gives the chefs a seafood dish of his to recreate, and tells them the winner will get to continue the reunion. And the winner is … Paul! Bitchy Elise starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.


Paul and his brother get to go to a Dodgers game, where Gordon throws out the first pitch, then serves them hot dogs and beer.

Back at Hell's Kitchen, Gordon tells the final four that not one but two are going home after tonight's dinner service. (Fifty-fifty chance, Bitchy Elise!) Gordon will be conducting quality control tests during dinner, unbeknownst to the chefs, to see how they handle it. On the soundtrack of tonight’s episode: “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys.

Paul’s service:
Test: Chef Scott put shrimp instead of lobster in the capellini. Paul fails; he doesn’t notice and starts to serve it. Tommy serves raw shrimp, then is slow on the fish, causing Paul to have a screaming fit. Bitchy Elise: “If they’re already flustered, it’s not gonna do no point in screaming and yelling at somebody. That’s not leadership.” Her almost incomprehensible sentence construction aside, she’s right … in pointing out something that she herself did pretty much every episode.

Tommy’s service:
Test: James gives him an order that is not on the menu. Tommy fails; he doesn’t notice as he reads it out, but he recovers quickly and gets the correct order. He’s a bit scattered, but his appetizers and entrees get out on time.


Elise’s service:
Test: The cauliflower puree was replaced with potato puree. Bitchy Elise fails; she doesn’t notice — even though she tasted it. Gordon yells at her; she starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch. Sabotage II: Chef Scott replaced the mashed potatoes with parsnip puree; this, Bitchy Elise notices. She yells at Tommy because his fish isn’t pretty. I guess that’s leadership?

Will’s Service:
Test: Chef Scott brings up lamb instead of beef and hanger instead of strip. Will passes; he notices both mistakes. Bitchy Elise delivers spinach with raw pasta in it, then she takes the spinach Will asked her to do over and simply puts it on another plate. When he points this out to her, she asks him why he’s being an asshole, and tells him that just because it’s his service doesn’t mean he has to be an asshole. (I guess she forgot what an asshole she was minutes ago to Tommy.) She then ruins the potatoes (“It was an accident!”) and has to start them over, bringing service to a grinding halt. She’s smirking through all this, mind you. But this is exactly what Will deserves for getting Jennifer sent home.


Elimination:
Tommy goes home first. :( Then Gordon announces that Will is in the final two. It’s between Paul and Bitchy Elise. IT’S PAUL!!! Ding dong, the bitch is dead, stomp your feet, get out of bed, ding dong, the wicked bitch is deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead! THANK YOU, GORDON. Bitchy Elise starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.


Hour Two begins with Paul and Will planning their menus for the final dinner service. Gordon offers to give them a break and take them out to dinner. At the restaurant, he asks if they’d like to go in the kitchen and meet the chef. The kitchen, it turns out, is a small arena filled with a cheering crowd. Unexpected! Gordon leads Will and Paul to the stage and informs them that they have one hour to make five BLT Steak-worthy dishes.

I don’t have a horse in this race anymore; they both sold Jennifer out to Bitchy Elise, so I don’t care who wins. I shall be rating based on food alone.


Round One, Appetizer: Paul’s littleneck clams and mussels with a lemongrass spicy broth with butter and potatoes (yuck) vs Will’s seared scallops on a charred corn salad with a corn puree and micro cilantro (yum). Will wins! Round Two, Salad: Will’s beet salad with champagne vinaigrette (yuck) vs Paul’s mixed greens over roasted potatoes (yum). Paul wins! (I’m two for two!) Round Three, Fish: Will’s dover sole (eh) vs Paul’s bronzini (eh). Paul wins! Round Four, Meat: Paul’s pan roasted ribeye with buttermilk puree (looks deelish) vs Will’s grilled gruyere-topped ribeye (looks good, but Paul’s looked better). Will wins! (Eff, I lost that one.) It’s now two to two. (OF COURSE it’s two to two. Rule #1 of reality tv: the drama must be carried out as long as possible. See: Bitchy Elise lasting nearly the entire season.) Round Five, which I was hoping would be Dessert but instead is apparently More Meat: Will’s grilled filet mignon with buttered Brussels sprouts, black truffle-and-potato puree, and a red grape jus (looks deelish) vs Paul’s pan roasted filet mignon with braised endive and truffle potato fries (looks good, but Will’s looked better). Will wins!



Will and Paul head back to Hell’s Kitchen for the final dinner service, where past contestants have returned to help them out. I convulsively jerk with revulsion when I see Bitchy Elise.

Dinner:
Gordon tastes Will’s (red team) and Paul’s (blue team) dishes, doesn’t like a couple of Paul’s. Paul storms out of the kitchen, cries about how he promised his recently deceased mother that he was going to win (Wow. No pressure!), gathers himself, comes back, calls the team together, and gives them a stern pep talk. Which meant nothing to Bitchy Elise, who starts service by bringing up brothy shrimp, then lighting a pan on fire. (Oh yeah, she’s a WAY better cook than Jennifer. *eye roll*) When Elizabeth messes up the scallops; Bitchy Elise — who just lit a pan on fire — wonders if it was “a blonde moment.” Red Team is slowed by Krupa’s fish problems, Blue Team by Jonathan’s steak problems. Will replaces Krupa with Natalie; Paul, Jonathan with Bitchy Elise. Both moves pay off. With some ups and downs, each team eventually finishes strong. The eliminated chefs leave, AND I HOPE I NEVER SEE BITCHY ELISE EVER AGAIN.


Winner:
After a lengthy bit of speechifying (*sigh* I just love his accent. I wonder if I'd have such major hots for Gordon if he were American? Probably not.), Gordon invites Will and Paul to step up to the doors. And … Paul’s door opens. “I AM A BIG F*CKING DEAL!” he jubilantly screams. Lol. I admit it: I’m glad. That stuff about his mom was touching.

I’m already looking forward to next season. And I swear to god, the black girl better not be another raging stereotype-fulfilling bitch. Your African American female fan base implores you, Gordon.

Hell's Kitchen, 9/12/11

Gordon explains how much $$ a restaurant can make off one salmon, then orders the final five to cook up a yummy salmon dish. The point of having the fish come hurtling from the ceiling toward the ground below is lost on me, but I can only hope it foreshadows what will soon happen to Bitchy Elise’s dream of winning this competition.

Three well-dressed men with delightful accents sample each dish, then determine how much they’d pay for it.
- Will: $28.67
- Bitchy Elise: $24.33
She made salmon and macaroni & cheese. I can’t … WHAT? Salmon with macaroni & cheese???? On no planet in any universe does that sound like a high-end meal. It’s more like what you fix for the kids, cobbling together a haphazard dinner from whatever’s in the kitchen. $24.33 is exactly $24.33 more than I’d pay for that lowbrow crap.
- Tommy: $25.33
- Paul: $29.67
- Jennifer: $28.33
Paul wins! He’ll get a private helicopter tour of LA with Gordon, and a fancy lunch at Water Grill with its executive chef. He has to choose someone to take with him — “I don’t want to take Elise because I feel like I’d be tempted to push Elise out of the helicopter.” HAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA HA HA HA HAHA HA! — and he chooses Tommy. For lunch, they are joined by none other than Amanda from season seven of Top Chef, she who made the mind-bogglingly inexplicable choice of serving sherry braised chicken to children in the school lunch challenge. In related news, I recently saw Will on an episode of Chopped on Food Network. (He lost.) The pool of contestants for culinary reality tv shows is rather small, it seems.

This needs to be said: watching Paul awkwardly trying to flirt with Amanda was as uncomfortable as watching Jennifer awkwardly trying to flirt with Paul. Thank god for Tommy and his silly jokes, lol.


Dinner Service (Tito Jackson in da house!):
Jennifer and Tommy struggled with cappelini. Jennifer burned a risotto. Bitchy Elise lied and said she was not told when to send out scallops. Bitchy Elise ruins fish; the skin is burned. Bitchy Elise ruins fish again; the skin is raw. She asks Paul his opinion on the next fish she cooks; he instructs her to cook it skin side down. She gripes that he “shoulda told me that twenty minutes ago.” NO, BITCH, YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO COOK FISH. Paul and Will rock the meat. Tommy ruins a cappelini. Tommy tries to help Bitchy Elise cook fish; she refuses his help — and ruins the fish. That’s the final straw. Gordon throws everybody out … then calls Paul and Will back to finish dinner.


Gordon tells everyone to pick two people for elimination, and I’m happy cuz I know Bitchy Elise is going to be one of the two. Tommy gives Gordon some lip because Tommy feels he should have been called back with Paul and Will. I admire him for having the balls to do that. The team decides that the bottom two are Jennifer and Bitchy Elise. Bitchy Elise calls Will to a quiet corner and asks him to say that Jennifer is the weaker cook. What a sneaky, underhanded, conniving move. Though he nods in her face and they fist pound, Will interviews that “I’m gonna call it the way I see it.” She then repeats her request to Paul.

Words cannot express how much I detest this woman.

Elimination:
Gordon asks Jennifer why she should stay. Jennifer says she can cook; she just has problems communicating with her team. Gordon tells Bitchy Elise she cooked the most expensive salmon in the world upside down, asks her why she should stay. Bitchy Elise rattles off a bunch of cockamamie reasons. Gordon asks the boys who’s the weaker chef … and, in what has got to be among the top five most inexplicable moves in reality tv history, both Will and Paul say Jennifer. HUH? But Will said he was going to tell the truth! And Paul wants to throw her out of a helicopter! AND SHE'S A RAGING, HARMONY-DESTROYING, BACKSTABBING, STEREOTYPE-FULFILLING, MAC & CHEESE + SALMON-PAIRING BITCH! I. Am. Dumbfounded. Then I’m hopeful — does this mean that maybe, since it would make for great drama, Jennifer will be spared so we can enjoy the tension and conflict of her having to work with Will and Paul after this utter betrayal? I get my hopes up when Tommy, thank all the gods, answers honestly and says Elise is the weaker chef. But it’s too little too late, and Gordon sends Jennifer home.

Bitchy Elise and her frightened, spineless, dishonest manservants Will and Paul can go skydiving without parachutes. TEAM TOMMY. May they get eliminated before she does so that their lying will bite them in the ass.

Hell's Kitchen, 9/5/11

LOL at everybody hoping Bitchy Elise will magically de-bitch now that she has a black jacket. LOL. Good one, guys! That's an awful lot like hoping the rain will wash off a zebra's stripes, but still. Your cheery optimism is appreciated.


The chefs’ first individual challenge is presentation; they have to transform an ugly dish into something beautiful.
- Tommy: chicken and dumplings. 74 out of 100.
- Paul: tuna casserole. 60 out of 100. (He used canned tuna!)
- Jennifer: lasagna. 52 out of 100.
- Bitchy Elise: eggplant parmesan. 86 out of 100.
- Will: meatloaf. 87 out of 100.

Will wins! “For me, meatloaf is amazing. If I was ever on death row, my last meal would be my mother’s meatloaf.” Agreed, agreed, AGREED! (And since I'm about to die anyway, it doesn't have to be vegetarian meatloaf. Heh.) He did “the honorable thing” and chose Elise to go out to eat with him since she came in second — leading Paul to say exactly what I was thinking: “If I won would I’ve took Elise? NO!” As Will and Elise dine, he asks that she de-bitch for the sake of the team. LOL. Good one, Will!


The team of Hell’s Kitchen vets harmoniously knocks out a menu in minutes. On the other team — shockingly — Bitchy Elise can’t even write down suggestions without starting a fight. Yeah, that black jacket really changed her. A radical transformation, this. She singlehandedly ruined menu planning with a mind-bogglingly incomprehensible hissyfit (Ok. Seriously. Are the show’s producers paying her to be the villain, or something?) about how her input was not being considered, leading Will to make the most obvious statement in the history of reality tv: “You had to have been the problem on the red team,” and then to storm out of the room.


Dinner Service
Bitchy Elise insulted Tommy for needing Will’s help — then asked Paul for his opinion on steak after steak — then insulted Paul’s cooking. *sigh* Ultimately, the other team lost, but Gordon still instructed everyone to select two people to put up for elimination. YAY! Tommy votes for Paul because of overcooked lobster and Jennifer because of undercooked bok choy. Will votes for Paul and Bitchy Elise BECAUSE SHE’S A RAGING BITCH. Paul votes for Bitchy Elise because she asked him three times about her steaks. She insisted it was only once; we’re shown the replay: it was three. The two get into a shouting match, and discussion breaks down.


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Jennifer, convinced that she’s about to go home, asked Paul out! He turned her down because she’s in Boston and he’s in New York, but it was SO CUTE. He gave her a big bearhug. “I’m so embarrassed!” she giggle-moaned to the camera later. Chin up, Jen. He so did you a favor. Long distance relationships suck.

Elimination
Bitchy Elise announces the fact that she herself and Jennifer are on the chopping block with the severe smugness of someone who knows that she’s not going home. And she’s right. Both she and Jennifer are safe, awarded another chance because their team won dinner service. Dammit. Gordon, it seems, wants to let the anticipation build … and build …

Hell's Kitchen, 8/29/11

Timed Challenge
-- Jennifer’s vs Tommy’s: they both tasted great, but since Jennifer thought she’d cooked hers improperly and Tommy wowed Gordon with the duck egg, I thought Tommy should have won that one.
-- Paul’s vs Elizabeth’s: That seemed a draw. So of course Gordon gave it to the blue team, so we’d need tiebreaker.
-- Will’s vs Bitchy Elise’s: her undercooked calamari dish loses for the red team. And she starts weeping like a fricking baby. “Stop crying,” Gordon moaned, his voice dripping with irritation. Thanks for saying that, Gordon. On behalf of PLANET EARTH.


Dinner Service
This is not going to be a good night. Elizabeth is, like, not there from the beginning. Tommy ruins the salads. Bitchy Elise makes good risotto, but then she and Elizabeth accidentally ruin Jennifer’s course with bad plating. (“He’s making me nervous!” Bitchy Elise bleats as an excuse. *eye roll*) Elizabeth’s chicken is ready entirely too soon. Tommy rocks his Wellingtons. YAY TOMMY. So does Bitchy Elise, but Jennifer accidentally messes up the potatoes. The blue team’s desserts are perfect, but Bitchy Elise accidentally ruins Jennifer’s apples. And yes, I keep saying “accidentally” intentionally, because I don’t think anybody was screwing up on purpose … though I loved the Bitchy Elise-Jennifer showdown that the apples caused, lol.

Elimination
The blue team guys practically started floating after they received their black jackets. Understandable. Boy, has it been a long road. Jennifer, Bitchy Elise, and Elizabeth on the chopping block! Based on tonight’s performance, they should all go home in a triple elimination, lol. But Bitchy Elise has been in the bottom way more than the other two. Surely, Gordon … YAAAAAAAAY! Jennifer’s still in it! Oh. :( So is the bitch. :( Oh well. The longer Gordon drags out her inevitable sacking, the more glorious it will be when it finally happens. Buh bye, Elizabeth.

Hell’s Kitchen, 8/22/11

Hour One
Blind taste test! I was consumed with jealousy. Come feed ME, Gordon. Jennifer: “Chef Ramsay put nuts in my mouth!” LOL. Boy was I amazed how wrong some of those guesses were … almost as annoyed as I was watching Bitchy Elise’s smug, superior reactions to the incorrect answers. Yes, Tommy’s grape jokes were annoying (and yet hilarious), but I’ll take the blue team’s teasing over Bitch Elise and Ditzy Carrie’s non-stop bickering.


Dinner
Ohhhhh, ok. The reason Bitchy Elise cannot properly write down an order is that she’s a chef, not a waitress. Interesting. I wasn’t aware that chefs are entirely incapable of properly writing things down. Thanks, Bitchy Elise, for enlightening us. And yeah, if you can’t properly handle writing things down, Gordon should totally trust you running a kitchen. *eye roll* Wow, Tommy and Natalie are in serious trouble. They better hope the red team screws up worse … which they apparently are, thanks to Ditzy Carrie with the garnish snafu and Bitchy Elise and her fish woes. Jennifer: “I can’t believe this bitch just brought up raw fish.” Heh. Poor Tommy, who apparently has the worst penmanship Gordon’s ever seen. Will he manage to slide by yet ANOTHER night?


Elimination
First Gordon knocks Bitchy Elise down a few notches; then Jennifer screamed at her repeatedly to shut up until—gasp—she actually did. What did I do to deserve this wondrousness? And could it be a sign that Bitchy Elise is going home? Because Gordon, apparently, is done fooling around. The teams have to select not two but only one person to go home, which means the selectee has a 50%, not a 25%, chance of leaving. So, it’s Tommy (duh) and Carrie (ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?) on the chopping block. Aaaaand … buh bye Carrie. Darn. I wanted Bitchy Elise to go before her. Tommy, you’ve got nine lives.


Hour Two
I knew better than to get my hopes up when Gordon told Bitchy Elise to take her jacket off … and yep, she’s safe. The bitch stays to royally bitch things up another day. Red team, if you really think she’s going to be any less bitchy now that Ditzy Carrie’s gone, you’re idiots. Oh, yum! Now, THIS a vacation I can get behind. Screw the sightseeing, massages, and ex-Playboy bunnies coming to your Vegas hotel suite. Send me on a food tour so I can eat Italian, Chinese, French, Greek, Mexican, Indian, and Jamaican. (Will: “Shabba!” Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Omg, dude just scored sooooooooooo many points with me. In case you didn’t get the reference, he was singing the 1993 hit “Mr. Loverman” by Shabba Ranks.)

It’s pretty obvious that they’re going to have to cook one of those kinds of foods when they got back to Hell’s Kitchen. I’d have been taking some serious notes, unlike Bitchy Elise—who is a chef, not a waitress, mind you—who moaned, “We tried seven different cuisines, but I wasn’t paying attention.” How very chef of her. And also, “I’ve never seen kumquats before today.” How very chef of her. Will LOL-ed me again with his “Ghetto goes to the beach” remark as Elise passed him on her way out. Accurate. She revels in fulfilling the ghetto, loudmouth, “you-betta-get-outta-my-face,” black bitch stereotype.


Dinner
Bitchy Elise made such a big deal (“I’ll do it myself!”) of the fact that Tommy didn’t score the Wellingtons—as if taking a knife and making shallow cuts is such as hard thing for a “chef” like herself to do—that I’m guessing this will come back up later. Tonight’s scallop waster is Natalie. And after she ruined all those steaks last episode (then tried to pretend Tommy was the only one who needed to go up for elimination), I hope she doesn’t think Ramsay’s overlooking her mess-ups. Uh oh. Elizabeth got a talking-to in the closet. Last time that happened, the talkee (Jonathan) went home. But maybe she’ll be ok, since Bitchy Elise effed up the Wellingto—WHAT? Did she actually just try to blame Tommy for the scoring on the Wellingtons? After ranting and raving earlier because he DIDN’T score them?!?!?!! Tommy: “I didn’t score a damn thing. Play the replay.” Which they did, and he was right. Ha ha haaaaa! Caught in a lie! Last time that happened, the liar (Douche Brendan) went home. But darnit, Natalie’s and Elizabeth’s disastrous fish services might outweigh her lying.

Elimination
Natalie (duh) and Bitchy Elise (FINALLY!) on the chopping block. You know, I’m firmly convinced that Gordon asks the chefs facing elimination why they think they should stay just so he can play the tape back later and laugh at it, lol. He’s already made up his mind. And he chooses … Natalie. I guess the previous day’s steak blunders coupled with tonight’s four or five returned fish entrees were just too much. Though it was only Natalie’s third time up for elimination but Elise’s fourth or fifth. And though Natalie owned up to her mistake, but Bitchy Elise blamed Tommy and threw a trashcan-kicking hissyfit. And though Bitchy Elise LIED TO HIS FACE. Gordon’s just going to keep riding the Elise Ratings Train all the way to the finale.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/15/11

STFU, Bitchy Elise.

Yay, dessert challenge! I don’t understand people who call themselves chefs but who can’t make desserts. No, you don’t need to be the world’s most accomplished pastry chef and chocolatier, but you should know your way around a damn bag of sugar … which clearly, almost none of these “chefs” do. Kudos to Jennifer. Wow, Will put salt and pepper in some cream and called it a dessert? And Bitchy Elise put VINEGAR in her zabaione? EPIC FAILS.

Hearty chuckle at Paul and Will dancing. Contrast that to Ditzy Carrie and Bitchy Elise, who can’t even stop fighting while celebrating a win. I say again: neither one of them deserves to be there — Bitchy Elise’s one good dinner service last week does not cancel out all her bad services and bad dishes; plus, her attitude makes her the LAST person who should be running a kitchen. And Ditzy Carrie simply isn’t a good enough cook. — but I am praying to all the gods that Bitchy Elise gets sent home before Ditzy Carrie. That would chap her ass for the rest of her life.


Dinner Service:
Thank you, Jennifer. FINALLY, somebody other than Bitchy Elise is leading the red team. Aaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again: more scallops dying for no reason other than to go straight into the trash. Tommy has for a while now been performing not so well. He’s been saved by others screwing up worse, but tonight may be his night. Oh — I spoke too soon. Jamie served a plate with hair in it, and Ditzy Carrie burned the fish. But if you ask me, Carrie’s silly I-didn’t-see-that defense was less of an embarrassment than Jamie’s stupefying that-wasn’t-there-when-I-brought-the-plate excuse. Gordon: “You’re blaming us????” Lol. And though Ditzy Carrie did screw up, I see her point: shedding into your plates is a way worse offense than blackened fish. Jamie should have been sent off, too.

Wow. Tonight is just full of screw-ups. Paul served pink chicken. Bitchy Elise served vegetarian capellini WITH LOBSTER IN IT (which, of course, this vegetarian found super annoying) then burned the oysters — which got her sent off! Ha haaaa! I knew after last week, she’d be so pompous and pleased with herself that she’d crash and burn. And I happily point out that Jennifer’s leadership style, in stark contrast to Bitchy Elise’s, does not consist of screaming, screaming, and more screaming

(AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Dammit, I am such a sucker. I held it together during that oh-so-sweet proposal, but when dude said “There’s nothing I won’t do for you,” that did me in. *wipes tear*)

Elimination:
Tommy skates by again! (I'm sure his 19-yr-old girlfriend sent him a relieved "omg! wuz so scared! luv u" text.) Carrie and Elise on the chopping block. Hmmmm, they’ve both been on the bottom on the lot. I wonder who’s — haaaaaaaaa! They’re BOTH — oh. No they’re not. That was ANOTHER Gordon head-fake. Dammit, Gordon. *sigh* Well, bye Jamie.

Ok, at this point, it’s glaringly obviously that Gordon’s keeping these two fools around just for ratings. A chef of his standing knows damn well neither is qualified to run a kitchen. So let’s just enjoy how he keeps them dangling on a string — and raise our voices in raucous celebration when, finally, it’s off with their heads.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/9/11

Ditzy Carrie shouldn’t have even bothered nominating herself to be team leader. Nice try, but her team has proven TWICE that they’d rather lose challenges than admit that her food is good, so there’s no way they’re going to let her lead them. Eye roll at Jennifer responding with “Carrie” when asked who had the worst leadership skills. Have they all forgotten how Bitchy Elise and her leadership technique of screaming drive them crazy night after night after night during dinner service?????????? Lol at the narrator’s “While Elise—predictably—has a problem with Carrie’s game plan…” Maybe if it’s getting that painfully obvious, that means her shenanigans are becoming tiresome and she’s on her way out.
I knew from the silhouette it was Wolfgang Puck! *LOVE* I love him so. I love him soooooooo.

Unsurprisingly, Bitchy Elise’s spaghetti sucked. And you know why? Because her focus was on complaining that she should have made the pizza instead of cooking the spaghetti. What a damn fool. Ok, is this the THIRD time, and the third episode in a row, that Jonathan has blamed someone else for his screw-up. And then he followed that pussy move with the even pussier move of pretending he was unable to work. Although when the team wins, he’s never unable to celebrate.

No comment on Elise’s fashion sense. And the fact that she has her name tattooed on her breast is so unbelievably trashy.


Dinner Service:
As I keep pointing out, there are times when Ditzy Carrie actually deserves the bashing … like now. Boy, was she wrecking things on the appetizer station. Jonathan had no one to blame this time for his crap performance, so he tried to blamed his mystery (read: made-up) illness, but Gordon was having none of that:“I had a young man in here two years about that broke his fucking arm—and went on to WIN the fucking competition!!!!!!!!!!” You tell ‘im, Gordon! Ugh, Bitchy Elise’s gloating after ONE good dinner service, after all the crap food she’s made and crap services she’s caused/contributed to, was nothing short of infuriating.

Elimination:
—gasp— Oh. Whew! DAMMIT, GORDON, STOP DOING THAT. If Natalie had gone home over Jonathan, I’d have hurt somebody. Buh-bye, Jonathan! Tips: stop blaming other people for your mistakes, see a doctor about that dreadful “illness,” and STOP PAIRING CHICKEN WITH PINEAPPLE.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/8/11

Booooo. When I saw that spread of produce on the table, I was hoping for a vegetarian challenge. Alas, it’s a beer challenge. I haaaaaaaaaaate beer. I hate wine. I hate alcohol in all its forms. So I’ve never gotten drunk and acted like a rampaging buffoon (see: Krupa), and I’ve never had a hangover so bad it cost me my chance at $250,000 (see: Krupa).

Clearly, the girls’ team isn’t one for learning from mistakes. For the second week in a row, they rated Ditzy Carrie’s dish low for no other reason than who made it, when according to the judges it tasted pretty darn good. And when Elizabeth’s and Jennifer’s were actually bad. IDIOTS. God, I am so sick of the clique. And WTF. Apparently Jonathan likes being a repeat offender as well. Even before the flash-back reminded us, I thought of that craptastic pineapple-chicken rubbish he served Gordon in the first episode. Yuck. Back when I ate meat, I haaaaaaaaaaated fruit+meat pairings. It’s a gross, disgusting combination of two things that alone are amazing but combined made my mouth cry. Apple-stuffed pork loin. Salmon with fruit relish. Steak with apricot glaze. No! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, NO! As expected, nobody liked Jonathan’s disgusting chicken with pineapple. Again. IDIOT.


I’m glad the girls lost. Again. They deserved it. What—is Bitchy Elise crying?????? First of all, what a pussy, and secondly, why? All she ever does is stand to the side while all the other girls do all the work. “I got my point and I’m tired of being punished.” “This is heavy.” “My fist is about to have your teeth on it.” Jeeeeeeeeeesus. And once again, she completely refused to see reason when her team tried to explain to her why they’re sick of her bullshit. Next time Bitchy Elise is on the chopping block—and you know the other girls are looking for ANY reason to nominate her—which will be her third time, she’s going home. (Reminder: “Three strikes and you’re out,” said Gordon to Chino.)


Dinner Service:
Yeah right, she’s trying to work on her attitude, as evinced by her attempts to blame Ditzy Carrie for the fact that she forgot to drain the salad; then soon began once again to irritate her teammates to death with her unnecessary order-screaming. Tigers don’t change their stripes, people. Hey, is anyone else disturbed by how many scallops have to die for no reason other than to be thrown into the garbage on this show? Tonight was a higher-than-usual number, but still. It irks me. KUDOS! Kudos to Will for pointing out that Jonathan shouldn’t have blamed Tommy’s prep for the messed-up Wellingtons. Let us not forget that last week, Monterray got sent home because Jonathan refused to even try to fry the fish, sticking Monterray with it. So clearly Jonathan cannot cook meat; blaming Tommy is his only hope. (Random: Tommy looks like a young Steve Buscemi.)


Elimination:
Natalie and Jonathan. Duh. Krupa and Jamie—not Elise. DAMMIT, WILL I NEVER BE RID OF THIS EMBARRASSING STEREOTYPE OF “THE BLACK BITCH”??????????? Then again, since she’s good for ratings, the Hell’s Kitchen Contestant Selection Committee will from now on probably be instructed to pick a black bitch instead of a well-qualified, level-headed black female chef. :( Darn—I was hoping it would be Jonathan, but nope. Buh-bye, Krupa. To quote T Pain, you can “blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.”

Gordon: “Do you like speed?”
Tommy: “Meth or coke?”
Me: ROFL.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/3/11

Awesome quote, brought to us by Paul: “Everyone who says high school is the best years of your life never went to college.” LOL. Touché, my chubby friend. Touché.

I’ve been calling Carrie “Ditzy Carrie” because in the premiere, she went severely blonde and put SUGAR IN MASHED POTATOES, causing a Gordon-spit-out, but for this recap I’m going to have to re-assign that title to Elizabeth, who totally out-blonded even that stupid move by
- asking the pescetarian chick if she wanted meat and fish on the same plate
- telling her team to make Asian food though she was told to make Hawaiian luau food
- giving lentils (which are neither Hawaiian nor Asian) the go-ahead
- not telling her team about the pescetarian
That last crime supremely offended this vegetarian. How can you forget to mention such a critical bit of info? Who gives a damn how good the food is if it can’t be eaten????? And her stammered “I thought we could combine meat and fish” excuse held no weight, because even if she doesn’t understand pescetarianism, she was specifically told not to combine meat and fish. Hi, Ditzy Elizabeth.

The look on the red team’s faces when Gordon said “The theme is Hawaiian” was priceless. And though Ditzy Elizabeth did have a point about how Carrie’s and Bitchy Elise’s dishes sucking had nothing to do with her misinformation, that loss was totally and entirely her fault. And note how she actually insisted that she was told to make Asian food.

I … did not need to see Natalie in a bikini. Nuff said.

Dinner Service!
No surprise that the red team is in a shambles, but Paul with the raw fish was unexpected. Get it together, chubby friend! Ugh: “Thanks to Elise’s leadership, the red team’s reunion guests are finally enjoying their appetizers”? OH GIVE ME A BREAK, NARRATOR PERSON. All she did was repeatedly re-scream whatever Gordon yelled. That’s it. That’s all. If that’s leadership, then I’m a blind albino platypus. Paul with the raw fish a second time, then Monty with the raw fish? Dudes. Hello. The temperature of your frying oil is too high. I’m nobody’s chef, and even I know that.

Elimination:
Jonathan’s move of sticking Monty with the fish frying was genius, lol, but incredibly weaselly, so kudos to Gordon for calling Jonathan to the carpet. Although, we all knew it was Monterray’s time. He kept landing in the bottom. See Gordon’s “three strikes and you’re out” comment when Chino was sent home. (I love it when Brits make references to American sports.) Buh-bye Monty.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/2/11

Example #434 of Ditzy Carrie-bashing: her prawn dish was better than Elizabeth’s; yet the girls were all fawning over Elizabeth’s. And please note how Bitchy Elise voted for Elizabeth’s dish before even tasting Ditzy Carrie’s … then lost her round … then blamed the team’s loss on Krupa. Who, yes, did make a mistake, but this wasn’t exactly Bitchy Elise’s or the team’s finest hour.

Wow, a spa day? WAY BETTER prize than Medieval Times or go-carts.

Random: the previews for Rise of the Planet of the Apes are driving me bloody craaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Cannot WAIT to see it this weekend.

Dinner Service!
Ruined risotto, two ruined pastas — well, Krupa’s in the running for going home tonight. Ok, wait. I get why Monterray got sent off, but what happened with Tommy??? Gordon totally just pulled that frazzled-mom move of getting so mad at one kid that she punishes any child in the immediate vicinity, LOL. And while Gina did worse than Bitchy Elise, it was the latter who jumped down the throat of anyone who said they were voting for her for elimination, and who refused to listen to like 3 or 4 people trying to explain to her why she’s so disliked. Ugh.

I want her gone if for no other reason than so my Hell’s Kitchen recaps can be more than I-really-hate-Elise reports.

Elimination:
Tommy and Monty, of course, on the chopping block on the boys’ side, and Bitchy Elise and Krupa on the girls’. Could it be? DAMMIT! No. So buh-bye, Gina. That’s the second time Gordon made me think that Bitchy Elise was going home. STOP DOING THAT—unless you’re doing it to torture her, that is. Then by all means, continue.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/26/11

Team Krupa! I HATE ELISE. Of all the friggin' thousands of applicants for Hell's Kitchen, there wasn't a non-bitch black female the selection committee could have chosen? I am so tired perpetuation of the "black bitch" stereotype. Thankfully, she isn't going to win. Gordon clearly doesn't like her (see prior shouting matches), and when she claimed the recipe for that delicious roast chicken was all her idea, it was obvious he knew she was lying -- and we know Gordon does not like liars (see Douche Brendan's fate).

At last! Legitimate reasons to be mad at Ditzy Carrie. She a. couldn't fry ONE PIECE of chicken, and b. then kept insisting it wasn't raw. *eye roll*

Random: Wow. Look how short Elise and Elizabeth were standing next to Gordon. He's my height exactly, 6'2, so they all must be shorties. You know who you need to come stand next to, Gordon? Me. BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, DAMMIT. But I digress.

Ha! Bitchy Elise has picked a fight with THE WRONG ONE. This isn't whiny Ditzy Carrie; this is Sous Chef Andi, bitch! "I'm up here, and you're down here!" Andi snapped, all up in Elise's face. "HELLO?" Andi yelled expectantly. "I heard you," pouted a cowed Elise. God, that was sooooooooo satisfying. You had to smile at that shot of Ditzy Carrie and Krupa wholeheartedly enjoying that.

Dinner Service:
That volleyball player Jen Kessy is 6 ft tall!!!! *happy inside* Surely the ladies will not let my fellow giantess down! Oh -- wait. Here comes Bitchy Elise to screw up the scallops. Remind me why she has such a big ego?

Monterray's showdown with Sous Chef Scott wasn't as fun as Elise vs Andi. I guess cuz I don't hate Monterray. So though he was clearly in the wrong, I just wanted it to be over. And then I got worried that he was going home ... until Chino started screwing up, that is. Wow. Dude made mistake after mistake after mistake, then got the blue team sent off. He's so going home. Meanwhile, Elise screwed up AGAIN (Remind me why she has such a big ego?), and Gina got the red team sent off. And I gotta say, after Gina was so mean to Ditzy Carrie (Yes, Carrie screwed up the chicken, but Gina was mean to her even before that), it was nice to watch her eat some crow.

Natalie irritated me with her stupid girly tears, and LOL at Chino saying "exasperate" instead of "exacerbate."

Elimination:
HA HA HA HA HA *choke* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LOL ROFL! I almost bloody died laughing when Elise thought her team wanted Carrie gone -- then they (almost) all voted for her. That even topped Elise getting Andi-fied! *still laughing* I actually raised my arms in triumph when Gordon called her name, but I shoulda known better. After all, it was only her first time on the carpet, but Chino's third. Buh-bye, Chino. *still laughing*

Hell's Kitchen, 7/25/11

New respect for Meatball Paul. All the other guys were mad that a -- gasp -- woman was coming, but he was ready to be a team and actually win something. Tattooed Tommy totally LOLed me with "Apparently we're all a bunch of clowns. A stunning metaphor. My mind has been blown." Heh. I like him.

Smart. Gordon didn't let Ditzy Carrie go to the boys' team #1 because the whole point is that boys need someone GOOD, and #2 because keeping her on the team with Bitchy Elise means more drama, which is the fuel that the realityv show tv car runs on. Apparently, the boys needed a girl on the team to realize they needed to communicate with each other. Congrats on the win, guys. And ROFL at Jonathan's "I would've put Tommy in a dress" jab. That one even cracked Gordon up.

"What's this?" you ask. "Why is Jamie suddenly jumping on Ditzy Carrie?" I mean, yes, Carrie running around to everybody's station was annoying, but twas Jamie who burned a quesadilla. Answer: Jamie jumped on the We Hate Carrie Bandwagon to make everyone forget about said burned quesadilla ... and it worked like a charm. New respect for Krupa for pointing out that everyone is kinda being unfair to Carrie, eye roll at Bitchy Elise insisting her 3-yr-old son is perfect and much cleaner than everybody else's children, and annoyance at the boys acting like going to Medieval Times was THE BEST REWARD EVER.

Dinner Service:
Tommy burned the chicken. No! Don't get sent home, goofy cute Tommy! I like you. Ok, Jennifer blaming Carrie for the order mix-up -- the hell was that? Jennifer was just as much at fault. Gosh, it's really getting crowded on that bandwagon.

Amazing. Amanda undercooked the bass, then she forgot the cod, then she just completely shut down and gave up. And yet, who are all the girls trying to get sent home? Carrie. Hello, high school clique. Yes, Carrie's lamb was raw, but Amanda CLEARLY was the worse offender tonight.

I fast-forwarded past the girls having to apologize to the diners cuz #1 that's just embarrassing, and #2 the boys didn't have to do that the night they didn't get out even ONE dish. Let's be fair with our punishments, Gordon.

Elimination:
(Almost all of) The girls may not be able to see the truth, but you can't fool Gordon. Buh-bye, Amanda. And now that the cattiness and claws have come out, I revoke my prediction that a girl is gonna win this season.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/19/11

After fighting all throughout last episode, Ditzy Carrie and Bitchy Elise end up paired together for the meat cook-off challenge? Yeah, I’m sure that was completely uncontrived. *eye roll*

As I knew would happen, turning it into a men vs women competition means at least some sexist comments are going to fly. And Brendan did not disappoint: “Men absolutely have the advantage over women over a grill.” Oh shut the hell up, you little fat ugly backward sexist non-potato-cooking tool. The first women judged got a perfect 4 points; Brendan and Jonathan got 2 points and a “piss off.” SUCK ON THAT.

Thanks, Ditzy Girl Carrie and Bitchy Elise. The women lost because of you. Second prize the guys have won in a row … but they’re probably going to do the same thing they did yesterday: get cocky and lose dinner. For the record, there is NO WAY I would’ve drunk that DISGUSTING meat milkshake. Even if I weren't a vegetarian. Just watching that made my gorge rise.

LOL at Brendan pissing all the guys off bragging about himself over breakfast. What an all-around douche. And watching him and Ditzy Carrie flirting later (I predicted that!) made me sad for humanity. It was some of the most pathetic, juvenile male-female interaction I’ve ever seen.

Dinner Service:
Ditzy Carrie can’t even handle salad. Bitchy Elise thinks she’s team captain. LOVED it when Gordon gave her a verbal reaming. Uh oh. Chino burned two risottos. He’s so going home — wait, no he isn’t, because Douche Brendan lied about having cooked a new serving of fish. Fool. Why lie? All Gordon does is scream and curse; it's not as if you get flogged for making mistakes. Brendan = a pussy. Unless one of the other contestants throws a pot of boiling water onto Gordon, he's gone. Ok, Will’s and Paul’s post-loss hysterics were so infantile. Grow up. Jesus.

Elimination:
Chino? The boys want Chino gone? Yes, he burned risotto, so what? I'll take inexperience over deceit and pussiness. And Gordon agrees with me. Bye-bye, Brendan.
And then, the boys actually balked at being told a girl was joining their team. IDIOTS. Natalie: “They can’t even put their dicks away for five seconds and realize that they need some help?” Well said, girlfriend. I’m predicting right now: a girl wins this season.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/18/11

A hearty LOL at the look on everyone’s face when the curtain went up and there was no one in the audience. That was mean, Gordon Ramsay. But hilarious.

Way to stick to the script, producers:
-- Carrie putting sugar in the potatoes – dumb blonde stereotype
-- Will being loud, cocky, and from New Jersey – Jersey Shore male stereotype
-- Jonathan using canned pineapple – dumb redneck stereotype
-- Elise being an abrasive loud-mouth – fulfilling the sassy black bitch stereotype (*heavy sigh* I should be used to this by now. On 95% of reality tv, The Black Girl = The Bitch. But I'm not, so it's still really damn annoying.)

Dinner Service:
And heeeeeeeeere we go. Elise tried to out-scream Gordon, couldn’t cook a risotto, then left her station and got benched for it. *another heavy sigh*

Oh look, Ditzy Carrie can’t cook scallops. She should hook up with Brendan, since he can’t cook potatoes. And Brendan calling Paul a dumpling and a meatball made me LOL, but they’re both douches.

Elimination!
Steven's going home? Monterray and Chino, IMO, screwed up worse. That smacked of ageism.