The Sandwich King, 8/21/11

Bravo, excellent, awesome, two thumbs up. Great show. Thank you for getting it right, Food Network Star judges. And in your FACE, everybody who said that a sandwich show would be boring!


The format of The Sandwich King is entertaining and engaging. Jeff doesn’t just cook. This episode, we went with him to Johnnie’s Beef, where he originally discovered the sandwich that inspired today’s creation. We met owner Frank, who “lets us see where the magical beef happens.” Lol. And later in the show, we were treated to a second sandwich. Two for one! The juxtaposition was clever: one sandwich takes four hours, and the other takes ten minutes, appealing not only to those with plenty of time to cook but also those who want to be in and out of the kitchen fast.


This episode’s subjects: a Chicago beef sandwich and a mortadella fig focaccianini. Nice. I’m a vegetarian, but none of my family or friends are, so I will forever be in need of carnivore-friendly recipes. (Plus, with some tweaking, I bet I could make a vegetarian version of the Chicago beef using my fave meat substitute: seitan.)


The Chicago features a roast braised in red wine and beef stock with Italian seasoning and thyme, green bell peppers roasted with oil and granulated garlic, onions, fresh garlic cloves, and a homemade hot giardineria topping made with carrots, red bell pepper, cauliflower, celery, cerano peppers, all on a French roll. The giardineria intrigued me. I’d never heard of it, so I made a note to google it later — but then Jeff walked viewers through how to make it from scratch. Excellent. “I think my peppers are perfectly done.” Jeff said, taking the green bell peppers out of the oven. “Oh, perf!” he enthused, and I chuckled. “Perf”? I have a new word. Mmmmm: my mouth watered a bit when he dunked the sandwich in the au jus and took a bite.

Random: the split-screen effect is cool.


The mortadella fig focaccianini is “a beautiful hybrid between a focaccia sandwich and a panini sandwich.” (Lol—someone was taking notes during the Rachel Ray episode of Food Network Star, when Vic Vegas made The LaChanga: a hybrid between a lasagna and a chimichanga.) The focaccianini features fontanella cheese and mortadella meat between slices of focaiccia bread slathered with a fig spread made with dried figs reconstituted in water, sugar, and balsamic vinegar. I’m personally not at all a fan of sweet + salty, but I’m totally picturing focaccianinis cut into fourths on sandwich platters for guests at my next party. And I loved the tip on what to do if you don’t have a panini press. Because I don’t have a panini press.


Advice: it’s best if you record The Sandwich King so that you can rewind it, because, as with most cooking shows, sometimes the ingredient list comes fast and furious, and you’re liable to miss something. And now, if I may, some guest star ideas: Guy Fieri, of course. I have a sneaking suspicion that a Guy-Jeff pairing would result in nonstop LOLs. And some fave contestants from the last season of FNS! I want to see Susie and Jeff make something deliciously Mexican, Vic and Jeff make a yummy hybrid with a funny name, and Justin B. make the scrumptiously complex sandwich while Jeff makes the delectably easy sandwich.

I heart Jeff, and I heart The Sandwich King. This show is … perf.

Food Network Star, 8/14/11

Italian Mama’s Boy. Mexican. Sandwich King. I defy you to conclude that Sandwich King isn’t the best of those three concepts. Honestly, who wants to watch ANOTHER Mexican or Italian cooking show? They’ve been done to death. To. Death!!!!! Sandwiches, on the other hand
-- will never get old because there are sooooooooooo many different ways to make them.
-- have never had their own show. (Sad.)
-- totally appeal to even the most novice of cooks. Who can’t slap bread, meat, and cheese together?
People, I am so Team Jeff that it hurts.


Guy Fieri! Love him. Just as excited to see him now as I was earlier in the season. And it’s little wonder that he keeps popping up. I mean, other than Guy, can you name two past FNS winners? Hell, one? *deafening silence* He’s clearly the biggest FNS success story. I guess the judges want to remind us of the ONE time they got it right. Speaking of getting it wrong, there’s a focus group this year! LOL. Good. I guess Food Network was tired of the winner’s show not lasting more than one season, so real people have been called upon to weigh in. And by “weigh in,” I mean, “keep the judges from picking yet another FAIL show.”

YAY! Jeff nailed his on-camera challenge. Blah. Susie to me just felt like she was rambling, though the judges loved her. Vic over-focused on the story and left out the technique. And the person going home is … *on the edge of my seat* … Vic. WHEW. And if you ask me, it was for the above-mentioned reason. Plus, as Judge Suzy said: “I love marketing [Jeff’s] idea.” Damn right. Sandwiches practically sell themselves. But Vic gets plenty of points for being such a gracious loser.

And then there were two.
Jeff:
Take one: Oh no. Take two: Oh no, again. “Boom”? What the crap was that? Am I watching Jeff or Emeril? Take three. (OH GOD PLEASE, JEFF.) Nailed it!
Susie:
Take one: Oh no. Take two: only a little bit better — but hey, at least she’s not “boom”ing. Take three: Nailed it!
Ok, they both (eventually) knocked it outta the park, so it’s going to come down to who has the better concept. Let’s bring on that focus group!


Oh, wtf. Never mind what I said about the Food Network wanting input from real people. Instead of an actual focus group consisting of true Food Network fans John Everybody and Jane Anybody, we get the past contestants. *eye roll* While I’m incredibly glad for another glimpse of the incredibly sexy Justin B., this was a SUCH wasted opportunity. A few people had good things to say, but this was just a last attempt to wring out a final bit of Penny drama. And she was only too happy to oblige. That “Susie wasn’t engaging” line was complete BS. Susie was the epitome of engaging. As Team Jeff as I am, I would have been all over her if she weren’t. Go crawl back into your hole, you petty harpy. (But thank you for fawning all over Jeff. Susie’s pilot was good, but Jeff’s was better.) Also, why bring the past contestants back to give, what, 30 seconds of input from, what, four people? Sexy Justin didn't have anything to say? Where was Juba? SUCH a waste. A real focus group should have been brought in. Maybe next summer. (Yeah right.)


Oooooh, Giada pointed out something I hadn’t noticed: Jeff has had that same concept from week one. Susie, on the other hand, had to be told to cook Mexican food — and even Vic had to be told to choose between his Vegas personality and his Mama’s boy concept. Reason #27 that he should win. — gasp — HE WON! HE WON! Woo-hooooooo! Omg, I cannot WAIT to watch his show! All hail the Sandwich King! Congrats, Jeff!

Food Network Star, 8/7/11

Iron Chef time, baby! Which means I get to see some Alton Brown. Yes! I love you, Alton.

Battle Lamb:

I’m not a fan of Mary Beth, but no one deserves to have to work with Penny. Maybe since she herself has already been eliminated, she'll play nice? Nope. Tigers don’t change their stripes. She can’t let this opportunity to sabotage MB pass. The judges even tried sending Alton over to ask her to speed up … with no results. Go back to obscurity, you petty harpy. But I do hope that if MB loses to Vic, she doesn't try to blame Penny. The petty harpy may be chopping onions waaaaay too slowly, but MB's the one actually cooking the lamb. Ok, Jeff is totally killing Suzie in the commentary battle. All hail Sandwich King! Judge Suzy: “Jeff’s very cute.” DAMMIT, SUZY. I told you: I saw him first.

Battle Lobster:


(I gave up meat for health reasons, but I still cook it for friends and family, so I guess I have to be counted among that hypocritical number who are ok cooking/eating meat as long as they don’t have to watch the animal die. I get the two-facedness of that stance; believe me I do. But still. I’ll stuff and roast a turkey, I’ll buy and bake lobster tails. But I just can’t throw a living animal into boiling water to die. Hi, I’m a double standard-having wussy. Lol.)

Ugh. Chris. Who reminded everyone that the judges make the right call sending him home with this: “You’re not going to cook it first? Oh — no, it’s for ceviche.” *SIGH* Clever, Suzie! Lamb "enchiladas" rolled in Swiss chard are very creative. Meanwhile, Jeff’s overreliance on mayo could hurt him. Got my fingers crossed that the sandwiches are delicious, cuz then the judges’ll overlook it. MB was totally killing Vic in the commentary battle, until Alton stumped her with that sea salt question. She didn't recover well at all. A simple "I don't know AB; let me look that up and get back to you!" would have worked. Uh oh: all three of Suzie’s dishes were hits, but Bobby didn’t like Jeff’s taco.

Judging:

Vic beat MB — saw that coming. But she gets points for not trying to blame the loss on Penny. Darn! Suzie beat Jeff. Jeff vs MB in the elimination: even though he did get knocked for not making his own aioli, I wasn’t worried. He made three different sandwiches; two were a hit. She made lamb chops and lamb chops and lamb chops, poorly cooked ones at that. Buh-bye, boring “Sunday suppers” concept! All hail Sandwich King.

Food Network Star, 7/31/11

Omg. The contestants got to run around Chelsea Market and eat WHATEVER THEY WANT? Lucky BASTARDS. The insatiably greedy 572-lb man who lives inside me was sooooooooo jealous watching Suzie stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff her face. Lol at her complaining that going first means everyone will get to learn from her mistakes—when she learned nothing from Vic forgetting to take his audience question last week.

Yay Jeff! Team Jeff! I’m just gonna go ahead and predict that he wins it all. Best concept, great on camera, excellent sense of humor (“What vegan options do you have?” he asked the butcher.), and cute to boot. Then again, since the judges get it so blazingly amazingly wrong (almost) every year, I bet they pick Mary Beth and her KILL-ME BORING “Sunday suppers” concept. Ugh, she annoyed the crap out of me pretending throughout the episode that Jeff had somehow tried to sabotage her by giving her the duck. This is nothing like when Penny purposefully sabotaged Orchid, you big baby. He just randomly assigned the meats. And she also would not shut the duck up about how she’d never cooked it before. Hey Mary Beth, you want some cheese with that whine? Jesus.

Anthony Anderson! I love him! ROFL at him “hitting on” Vic, ha ha ha. I thought Vic did pretty good; the Vic Vegas vs Mama’s Boy thing was his only stumble. Mary Beth: talked too much and bored everybody. Jeff: nailed it! Even if his stand-up comedy joke fell way flat, heh. Let us compare Suzie’s crying with Whitney’s crying. Suzie’s was cute and touching and caused by the “true American dream.” Whitney’s was unnecessary and pointless and made everyone “want to have to make her feel better.” Then, she made everybody feel bad about eating a “slaughtered” pig that was “three years old when it was slaughtered.” (This vegetarian was DYING laughing at her animal insensitivity. Gilbert Gottfried: “I think you’re a soulless flesh-eating zombie.” Bwah ha ha haaaaaaaa!)

YAY JEFF. What is this, a fourth win in a row? Susie: “You have a subtle kind of sexiness.” Well spotted, Suze. Now back off. *sharpens claws* Ooooh, it’s down to Whitney or Mary Beth! Bobby Flay: “Whitney can really cook. Mary Beth can really talk.” Um, hello. It’s Food Network, not Speak Network. Will they make the right decision? NO. :( Bye bye, Whitney.

Food Network Star, 7/24/11

Ina Garten. Ugh. Not a fan. I mean, her food is good, but she herself comes across as pretty stuck-up. “Make sure you use GOOD olive oil.” “Make sure you use GOOD cheese.” Ina, honestly. I don’t need you to constantly remind me that your food requires the pretentious brand. Can Ina Garten’s polar opposite, the non-pretentious, entirely approachable Sandra Lee, guest host an episode please?

Congrats to Jyll and Mary Beth for making a yummy cupcake. Enjoy it, girls, cuz I’m still getting not-going-to-win-it vibes from both of you. And points to Suzie and Jeff for trying a savory cupcake, even if Suzie’s was ruined by the sprinkles added “for elegancy” and Jeff’s wasn’t that great. I maintain that Jeff has the best concept.

The insatiably greedy 572-lb man who lives inside me almost wept with joy at hearing Vic say “lasagna inside of a tortilla, deep fried with more cheese on it.” Lasagna + a chimichanga? *drool* Those high falutin, snobby dishes on Top Chef can bow the hell down before … The LaChanga!!! So SCREW YOU, BOBBY FLAY, and your “I don’t wanna eat a tortilla-wrapped lasagna.” BECAUSE I DO.

Yay Jeff and Whitney. Top two, these two? Toldja Jeff had the best concept! Rachel Ray agreed. Dunno why everyone said Vic did so badly; other than forgetting to describe the lasagna, I thought he did ok. And if Bobby knocks The LaChanga one more time, I’m going to put my foot up his suit-clad ass. But I guess Vic did forget to take his question from the audience. And Suzie knocked Mexican food AND forgot to take her question (after Vic warned everybody not to forget). But those offenses paled in comparison to Jyll’s, who made the mistake of still not having a solid show concept in week 8. Buh-bye, Jyll.

Food Network Star, 7/17/11

The on-camera presentations have come a long way from when Juba and Sexy Justin were freezing and stuttering and all deer-in-headlights. But still, some people need work. Bobby Flay: “This is becoming classic Penny: Not good on camera, good food. Is it going to be enough to save her another week?” NO, PLEASE?

Yay! Cooking for Wolfgang Puck! I heart him. Ok, as everybody was saying what they were going to cook, I knew that Jyll and her risotto (risotto has brought down too many chefs on Top Chef) and Chris and his chocolate cake (he already tried and FAILED, TWICE, to make this cake in a previous episode!!!!) were going to be the bottom two.

Sigh. Penny’s food was good. Again. Dammit. I will never be rid of her.

Well, I was right. Jyll’s risotto was so not a risotto that Wolfgang had to go show her how to make it, and Chris’s cake sucked -- then he added to the douchery by 1. taking a cheap shot at Jyll’s risotto and 2. offering apology after apology after apology. And then he DARED mouth off to Bobby Flay? So long, idiot. And now to say goodbye to Jy —

OHMYGOD, no! To Penny???? Ha hahaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha! Finally! I have hated her since her creepy (and revolting) "Stilettos in the Kitchen" concept. And do NOT get me startes on how she, not Sexy Justin, should have gone home that episode she murdered that mac n cheese. I guess the judges have been reading the thousands of anti-Penny comments on Facebook and knew that no one would ever watch her show. YAY! As my favorite blogger Michael K of D Listed says, "bitch boom bye!"

Food Network Star, 7/10/11

The Fierce Food Fusion Truck -- The “Philly-rito” and the shrimp avocado taco were yum, so since Orchid had been struggling *and* her pork taco was too vinegary and sour, I knew she was in trouble.

The Balls on the Road truck – Jeff’s lucky his meatballs were a hit, because come on. Balls? *eye roll* Off the top of my head, I came up with “Do you like to play with your food? Well, come eat some Curvy Cuisine! It’s curvy, round fun! It’s yummy in your tummy!” That wouldn’t have offended anyone, and it would’ve been great for kids. Anything other than effing TESTICLES. Jesus. Can’t believe the girls went along with that stupidity. And why the hell would Whitney make falafel with canned chickpeas? If you don’t have the time to do it right, make something else.

The Wrap It Up Truck -- Chris’s Angels? Laaaaaaaame. Chris just won’t stop being Chris, ugh; plus, using eight times as much cream cheese as crab was a pretty rookie mistake. Mary Beth’s ginger lime chicken wrap impressed no one, proving my theory that she’s not gonna win. Dammit, the filet mignon that Penny and her breasts made tasted good so she’s safe again. Despite, again, fighting with her fellow contestants. But at least Bobby called her out for being “most hated.” Ha! Damn right.

Well, buh-bye Orchid. Yet another example of the fact that the early favorite (except for last year’s horrifically unjust season of Project Runway) never wins!

P. S. How the hell does one get to be a Food Network eater? Those lucky dogs! They just show up and chow down!