Hell's Kitchen, 8/9/11

Ditzy Carrie shouldn’t have even bothered nominating herself to be team leader. Nice try, but her team has proven TWICE that they’d rather lose challenges than admit that her food is good, so there’s no way they’re going to let her lead them. Eye roll at Jennifer responding with “Carrie” when asked who had the worst leadership skills. Have they all forgotten how Bitchy Elise and her leadership technique of screaming drive them crazy night after night after night during dinner service?????????? Lol at the narrator’s “While Elise—predictably—has a problem with Carrie’s game plan…” Maybe if it’s getting that painfully obvious, that means her shenanigans are becoming tiresome and she’s on her way out.
I knew from the silhouette it was Wolfgang Puck! *LOVE* I love him so. I love him soooooooo.

Unsurprisingly, Bitchy Elise’s spaghetti sucked. And you know why? Because her focus was on complaining that she should have made the pizza instead of cooking the spaghetti. What a damn fool. Ok, is this the THIRD time, and the third episode in a row, that Jonathan has blamed someone else for his screw-up. And then he followed that pussy move with the even pussier move of pretending he was unable to work. Although when the team wins, he’s never unable to celebrate.

No comment on Elise’s fashion sense. And the fact that she has her name tattooed on her breast is so unbelievably trashy.


Dinner Service:
As I keep pointing out, there are times when Ditzy Carrie actually deserves the bashing … like now. Boy, was she wrecking things on the appetizer station. Jonathan had no one to blame this time for his crap performance, so he tried to blamed his mystery (read: made-up) illness, but Gordon was having none of that:“I had a young man in here two years about that broke his fucking arm—and went on to WIN the fucking competition!!!!!!!!!!” You tell ‘im, Gordon! Ugh, Bitchy Elise’s gloating after ONE good dinner service, after all the crap food she’s made and crap services she’s caused/contributed to, was nothing short of infuriating.

Elimination:
—gasp— Oh. Whew! DAMMIT, GORDON, STOP DOING THAT. If Natalie had gone home over Jonathan, I’d have hurt somebody. Buh-bye, Jonathan! Tips: stop blaming other people for your mistakes, see a doctor about that dreadful “illness,” and STOP PAIRING CHICKEN WITH PINEAPPLE.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/8/11

Booooo. When I saw that spread of produce on the table, I was hoping for a vegetarian challenge. Alas, it’s a beer challenge. I haaaaaaaaaaate beer. I hate wine. I hate alcohol in all its forms. So I’ve never gotten drunk and acted like a rampaging buffoon (see: Krupa), and I’ve never had a hangover so bad it cost me my chance at $250,000 (see: Krupa).

Clearly, the girls’ team isn’t one for learning from mistakes. For the second week in a row, they rated Ditzy Carrie’s dish low for no other reason than who made it, when according to the judges it tasted pretty darn good. And when Elizabeth’s and Jennifer’s were actually bad. IDIOTS. God, I am so sick of the clique. And WTF. Apparently Jonathan likes being a repeat offender as well. Even before the flash-back reminded us, I thought of that craptastic pineapple-chicken rubbish he served Gordon in the first episode. Yuck. Back when I ate meat, I haaaaaaaaaaated fruit+meat pairings. It’s a gross, disgusting combination of two things that alone are amazing but combined made my mouth cry. Apple-stuffed pork loin. Salmon with fruit relish. Steak with apricot glaze. No! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, NO! As expected, nobody liked Jonathan’s disgusting chicken with pineapple. Again. IDIOT.


I’m glad the girls lost. Again. They deserved it. What—is Bitchy Elise crying?????? First of all, what a pussy, and secondly, why? All she ever does is stand to the side while all the other girls do all the work. “I got my point and I’m tired of being punished.” “This is heavy.” “My fist is about to have your teeth on it.” Jeeeeeeeeeesus. And once again, she completely refused to see reason when her team tried to explain to her why they’re sick of her bullshit. Next time Bitchy Elise is on the chopping block—and you know the other girls are looking for ANY reason to nominate her—which will be her third time, she’s going home. (Reminder: “Three strikes and you’re out,” said Gordon to Chino.)


Dinner Service:
Yeah right, she’s trying to work on her attitude, as evinced by her attempts to blame Ditzy Carrie for the fact that she forgot to drain the salad; then soon began once again to irritate her teammates to death with her unnecessary order-screaming. Tigers don’t change their stripes, people. Hey, is anyone else disturbed by how many scallops have to die for no reason other than to be thrown into the garbage on this show? Tonight was a higher-than-usual number, but still. It irks me. KUDOS! Kudos to Will for pointing out that Jonathan shouldn’t have blamed Tommy’s prep for the messed-up Wellingtons. Let us not forget that last week, Monterray got sent home because Jonathan refused to even try to fry the fish, sticking Monterray with it. So clearly Jonathan cannot cook meat; blaming Tommy is his only hope. (Random: Tommy looks like a young Steve Buscemi.)


Elimination:
Natalie and Jonathan. Duh. Krupa and Jamie—not Elise. DAMMIT, WILL I NEVER BE RID OF THIS EMBARRASSING STEREOTYPE OF “THE BLACK BITCH”??????????? Then again, since she’s good for ratings, the Hell’s Kitchen Contestant Selection Committee will from now on probably be instructed to pick a black bitch instead of a well-qualified, level-headed black female chef. :( Darn—I was hoping it would be Jonathan, but nope. Buh-bye, Krupa. To quote T Pain, you can “blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.”

Gordon: “Do you like speed?”
Tommy: “Meth or coke?”
Me: ROFL.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/3/11

Awesome quote, brought to us by Paul: “Everyone who says high school is the best years of your life never went to college.” LOL. Touché, my chubby friend. Touché.

I’ve been calling Carrie “Ditzy Carrie” because in the premiere, she went severely blonde and put SUGAR IN MASHED POTATOES, causing a Gordon-spit-out, but for this recap I’m going to have to re-assign that title to Elizabeth, who totally out-blonded even that stupid move by
- asking the pescetarian chick if she wanted meat and fish on the same plate
- telling her team to make Asian food though she was told to make Hawaiian luau food
- giving lentils (which are neither Hawaiian nor Asian) the go-ahead
- not telling her team about the pescetarian
That last crime supremely offended this vegetarian. How can you forget to mention such a critical bit of info? Who gives a damn how good the food is if it can’t be eaten????? And her stammered “I thought we could combine meat and fish” excuse held no weight, because even if she doesn’t understand pescetarianism, she was specifically told not to combine meat and fish. Hi, Ditzy Elizabeth.

The look on the red team’s faces when Gordon said “The theme is Hawaiian” was priceless. And though Ditzy Elizabeth did have a point about how Carrie’s and Bitchy Elise’s dishes sucking had nothing to do with her misinformation, that loss was totally and entirely her fault. And note how she actually insisted that she was told to make Asian food.

I … did not need to see Natalie in a bikini. Nuff said.

Dinner Service!
No surprise that the red team is in a shambles, but Paul with the raw fish was unexpected. Get it together, chubby friend! Ugh: “Thanks to Elise’s leadership, the red team’s reunion guests are finally enjoying their appetizers”? OH GIVE ME A BREAK, NARRATOR PERSON. All she did was repeatedly re-scream whatever Gordon yelled. That’s it. That’s all. If that’s leadership, then I’m a blind albino platypus. Paul with the raw fish a second time, then Monty with the raw fish? Dudes. Hello. The temperature of your frying oil is too high. I’m nobody’s chef, and even I know that.

Elimination:
Jonathan’s move of sticking Monty with the fish frying was genius, lol, but incredibly weaselly, so kudos to Gordon for calling Jonathan to the carpet. Although, we all knew it was Monterray’s time. He kept landing in the bottom. See Gordon’s “three strikes and you’re out” comment when Chino was sent home. (I love it when Brits make references to American sports.) Buh-bye Monty.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/2/11

Example #434 of Ditzy Carrie-bashing: her prawn dish was better than Elizabeth’s; yet the girls were all fawning over Elizabeth’s. And please note how Bitchy Elise voted for Elizabeth’s dish before even tasting Ditzy Carrie’s … then lost her round … then blamed the team’s loss on Krupa. Who, yes, did make a mistake, but this wasn’t exactly Bitchy Elise’s or the team’s finest hour.

Wow, a spa day? WAY BETTER prize than Medieval Times or go-carts.

Random: the previews for Rise of the Planet of the Apes are driving me bloody craaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Cannot WAIT to see it this weekend.

Dinner Service!
Ruined risotto, two ruined pastas — well, Krupa’s in the running for going home tonight. Ok, wait. I get why Monterray got sent off, but what happened with Tommy??? Gordon totally just pulled that frazzled-mom move of getting so mad at one kid that she punishes any child in the immediate vicinity, LOL. And while Gina did worse than Bitchy Elise, it was the latter who jumped down the throat of anyone who said they were voting for her for elimination, and who refused to listen to like 3 or 4 people trying to explain to her why she’s so disliked. Ugh.

I want her gone if for no other reason than so my Hell’s Kitchen recaps can be more than I-really-hate-Elise reports.

Elimination:
Tommy and Monty, of course, on the chopping block on the boys’ side, and Bitchy Elise and Krupa on the girls’. Could it be? DAMMIT! No. So buh-bye, Gina. That’s the second time Gordon made me think that Bitchy Elise was going home. STOP DOING THAT—unless you’re doing it to torture her, that is. Then by all means, continue.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/26/11

Team Krupa! I HATE ELISE. Of all the friggin' thousands of applicants for Hell's Kitchen, there wasn't a non-bitch black female the selection committee could have chosen? I am so tired perpetuation of the "black bitch" stereotype. Thankfully, she isn't going to win. Gordon clearly doesn't like her (see prior shouting matches), and when she claimed the recipe for that delicious roast chicken was all her idea, it was obvious he knew she was lying -- and we know Gordon does not like liars (see Douche Brendan's fate).

At last! Legitimate reasons to be mad at Ditzy Carrie. She a. couldn't fry ONE PIECE of chicken, and b. then kept insisting it wasn't raw. *eye roll*

Random: Wow. Look how short Elise and Elizabeth were standing next to Gordon. He's my height exactly, 6'2, so they all must be shorties. You know who you need to come stand next to, Gordon? Me. BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, DAMMIT. But I digress.

Ha! Bitchy Elise has picked a fight with THE WRONG ONE. This isn't whiny Ditzy Carrie; this is Sous Chef Andi, bitch! "I'm up here, and you're down here!" Andi snapped, all up in Elise's face. "HELLO?" Andi yelled expectantly. "I heard you," pouted a cowed Elise. God, that was sooooooooo satisfying. You had to smile at that shot of Ditzy Carrie and Krupa wholeheartedly enjoying that.

Dinner Service:
That volleyball player Jen Kessy is 6 ft tall!!!! *happy inside* Surely the ladies will not let my fellow giantess down! Oh -- wait. Here comes Bitchy Elise to screw up the scallops. Remind me why she has such a big ego?

Monterray's showdown with Sous Chef Scott wasn't as fun as Elise vs Andi. I guess cuz I don't hate Monterray. So though he was clearly in the wrong, I just wanted it to be over. And then I got worried that he was going home ... until Chino started screwing up, that is. Wow. Dude made mistake after mistake after mistake, then got the blue team sent off. He's so going home. Meanwhile, Elise screwed up AGAIN (Remind me why she has such a big ego?), and Gina got the red team sent off. And I gotta say, after Gina was so mean to Ditzy Carrie (Yes, Carrie screwed up the chicken, but Gina was mean to her even before that), it was nice to watch her eat some crow.

Natalie irritated me with her stupid girly tears, and LOL at Chino saying "exasperate" instead of "exacerbate."

Elimination:
HA HA HA HA HA *choke* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LOL ROFL! I almost bloody died laughing when Elise thought her team wanted Carrie gone -- then they (almost) all voted for her. That even topped Elise getting Andi-fied! *still laughing* I actually raised my arms in triumph when Gordon called her name, but I shoulda known better. After all, it was only her first time on the carpet, but Chino's third. Buh-bye, Chino. *still laughing*

Hell's Kitchen, 7/25/11

New respect for Meatball Paul. All the other guys were mad that a -- gasp -- woman was coming, but he was ready to be a team and actually win something. Tattooed Tommy totally LOLed me with "Apparently we're all a bunch of clowns. A stunning metaphor. My mind has been blown." Heh. I like him.

Smart. Gordon didn't let Ditzy Carrie go to the boys' team #1 because the whole point is that boys need someone GOOD, and #2 because keeping her on the team with Bitchy Elise means more drama, which is the fuel that the realityv show tv car runs on. Apparently, the boys needed a girl on the team to realize they needed to communicate with each other. Congrats on the win, guys. And ROFL at Jonathan's "I would've put Tommy in a dress" jab. That one even cracked Gordon up.

"What's this?" you ask. "Why is Jamie suddenly jumping on Ditzy Carrie?" I mean, yes, Carrie running around to everybody's station was annoying, but twas Jamie who burned a quesadilla. Answer: Jamie jumped on the We Hate Carrie Bandwagon to make everyone forget about said burned quesadilla ... and it worked like a charm. New respect for Krupa for pointing out that everyone is kinda being unfair to Carrie, eye roll at Bitchy Elise insisting her 3-yr-old son is perfect and much cleaner than everybody else's children, and annoyance at the boys acting like going to Medieval Times was THE BEST REWARD EVER.

Dinner Service:
Tommy burned the chicken. No! Don't get sent home, goofy cute Tommy! I like you. Ok, Jennifer blaming Carrie for the order mix-up -- the hell was that? Jennifer was just as much at fault. Gosh, it's really getting crowded on that bandwagon.

Amazing. Amanda undercooked the bass, then she forgot the cod, then she just completely shut down and gave up. And yet, who are all the girls trying to get sent home? Carrie. Hello, high school clique. Yes, Carrie's lamb was raw, but Amanda CLEARLY was the worse offender tonight.

I fast-forwarded past the girls having to apologize to the diners cuz #1 that's just embarrassing, and #2 the boys didn't have to do that the night they didn't get out even ONE dish. Let's be fair with our punishments, Gordon.

Elimination:
(Almost all of) The girls may not be able to see the truth, but you can't fool Gordon. Buh-bye, Amanda. And now that the cattiness and claws have come out, I revoke my prediction that a girl is gonna win this season.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/19/11

After fighting all throughout last episode, Ditzy Carrie and Bitchy Elise end up paired together for the meat cook-off challenge? Yeah, I’m sure that was completely uncontrived. *eye roll*

As I knew would happen, turning it into a men vs women competition means at least some sexist comments are going to fly. And Brendan did not disappoint: “Men absolutely have the advantage over women over a grill.” Oh shut the hell up, you little fat ugly backward sexist non-potato-cooking tool. The first women judged got a perfect 4 points; Brendan and Jonathan got 2 points and a “piss off.” SUCK ON THAT.

Thanks, Ditzy Girl Carrie and Bitchy Elise. The women lost because of you. Second prize the guys have won in a row … but they’re probably going to do the same thing they did yesterday: get cocky and lose dinner. For the record, there is NO WAY I would’ve drunk that DISGUSTING meat milkshake. Even if I weren't a vegetarian. Just watching that made my gorge rise.

LOL at Brendan pissing all the guys off bragging about himself over breakfast. What an all-around douche. And watching him and Ditzy Carrie flirting later (I predicted that!) made me sad for humanity. It was some of the most pathetic, juvenile male-female interaction I’ve ever seen.

Dinner Service:
Ditzy Carrie can’t even handle salad. Bitchy Elise thinks she’s team captain. LOVED it when Gordon gave her a verbal reaming. Uh oh. Chino burned two risottos. He’s so going home — wait, no he isn’t, because Douche Brendan lied about having cooked a new serving of fish. Fool. Why lie? All Gordon does is scream and curse; it's not as if you get flogged for making mistakes. Brendan = a pussy. Unless one of the other contestants throws a pot of boiling water onto Gordon, he's gone. Ok, Will’s and Paul’s post-loss hysterics were so infantile. Grow up. Jesus.

Elimination:
Chino? The boys want Chino gone? Yes, he burned risotto, so what? I'll take inexperience over deceit and pussiness. And Gordon agrees with me. Bye-bye, Brendan.
And then, the boys actually balked at being told a girl was joining their team. IDIOTS. Natalie: “They can’t even put their dicks away for five seconds and realize that they need some help?” Well said, girlfriend. I’m predicting right now: a girl wins this season.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/18/11

A hearty LOL at the look on everyone’s face when the curtain went up and there was no one in the audience. That was mean, Gordon Ramsay. But hilarious.

Way to stick to the script, producers:
-- Carrie putting sugar in the potatoes – dumb blonde stereotype
-- Will being loud, cocky, and from New Jersey – Jersey Shore male stereotype
-- Jonathan using canned pineapple – dumb redneck stereotype
-- Elise being an abrasive loud-mouth – fulfilling the sassy black bitch stereotype (*heavy sigh* I should be used to this by now. On 95% of reality tv, The Black Girl = The Bitch. But I'm not, so it's still really damn annoying.)

Dinner Service:
And heeeeeeeeere we go. Elise tried to out-scream Gordon, couldn’t cook a risotto, then left her station and got benched for it. *another heavy sigh*

Oh look, Ditzy Carrie can’t cook scallops. She should hook up with Brendan, since he can’t cook potatoes. And Brendan calling Paul a dumpling and a meatball made me LOL, but they’re both douches.

Elimination!
Steven's going home? Monterray and Chino, IMO, screwed up worse. That smacked of ageism.