Project Runway, 10/6/11

This go-round, the designers must make clothes inspired by a bird. So, they have to give fashion the tweetment! We’re gonna get a real bird’s eye view into the designing process! I hope there won’t be any fowl play! Will this be a wild goose chase? Who’s going to have to eat some crow? I bet the owl doesn’t give a hoot!

Ok, ok. I’ll stop.

The designers are split into teams: Anya/Laura Kathleen - raven, Joshua/Bert - parrot, Viktor/Kimberly - cockatoo. (I was mad nobody got the owl. Owls are cool. See: Harry Potter.) Joshua and Bert are getting along now, but, Bert says, if they’d been put together a few weeks ago, they would have killed the bird. LOL. Team members are competing against each other; winner of this challenge will get $20,000. As happens every season every time money is on the line, somebody has to go into detail about how poor he or she is; this time it’s Joshua, who informs us he has “negative money” in his bank account. Tim enters the workroom and tells them they must make a second bird-inspired look. (At this point, Tim telling them they have to make a second look is getting pretty predictable. It would be more surprising if he didn’t, lol.)


As work progresses, a cockroach disturbs the peace. Kimberly reacts the way I would have: she jumps up onto a table, hops up and down, and screams. Anya reacts the way I wish I would have: she grabs a shoe and kills it. I thought Josh telling her that “that was some Lara Croft Tomb Raider type shit” was a bit rich … then again, I would have been hysterically screaming on a tabletop. Kimberly, really struggling with her looks, accidentally sews through her finger, wanders around aimlessly, then goes to the bathroom to have a good cry. These tears do not annoy me, however, cuz she lost her mom, AND her stepdad, AND her brother. :( Be strong, girlfriend! Tim, sensing her malaise, gives her a fatherly hug of support. I bloody love that Tim. Then, as if all that isn’t enough, her dress is burned on a hot glue gun so she has to start all over with like only three hours left.

Josh scraps a dress, then asks Anya for fabric, then gets mad when she doesn’t want to give him any cuz he offered her some that time she lost her money. Jerk, this is different. Anya accidentally lost her money and genuinely needed help. Josh, on the other hand, up and decided his look was “heinous!” then tried to guilt trip Anya. Plus, there’s TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on the line this time. So suck it, Josh.

On runway day, Tim says everyone must pick one, and only one, of their two looks to walk the runway. Huh. Unexpected.


I abhor, detest, loathe, and want to shred with scissors both Anya’s and Laura Kathleen’s raven looks. They’re fugly and overpoweringly black. Too literal! Ravens are black; I get that, but their feathers are iridescent, so I would have worked that in with some blue or purple. LK tried with some dark purple feathers, but I HATE FEATHERS ON CLOTHES, so that cancelled it out. The judges hate her look but love Anya’s dress. “Beautiful, modern, and dramatic,” says Nina. Meh. Anya wins; LK loses.


I looooooooooved Bert’s and hated Joshua’s parrot looks. Michael Kors calls Bert’s “pageanty”; Nina says it’s disappointing. Well, I loved it, dammit, and I would so wear it. Wouldn’t be caught dead in Joshua’s, though. HORRID. It is a shapeless, ill-fitting, bright orange ball of blah. Alas, the judges are blown away. “Beautifully draped,” says Michael Kors, “beautifully cut,” says Nina. Meh. Joshua wins, Bert loses.


I looooooooooved Kimberly’s and hated Viktor’s cockatoo looks. Kimberly’s is dramatic and elegant and tres sophisticated. The judges can see flaws, but they are impressed and amazed she made it so fast. “The cut is fabulous” and “there’s something very seductive” say MK and Nina, though she also says it’s a bit “beauty pageant.” Viktor’s is covered in feathers. I HATE FEATHERS ON CLOTHES. The judges like its construction and movement, but he was too literal. Kimberly wins; Viktor loses. YAY!

Anya wins it all. On one hand, yay!, cuz she’s not on my Please Don’t Win list. On the other hand, boooooo!, cuz I couldn't stand her dress and I wanted Kimberly to win. Oh well. Better her than that insufferable Josh. Spend that $20K in good health, girl!

Bert and Laura Kathleen are in the bottom … Bert gets sent home. :(

Project Runway, 9/29/11

It’s a 70s challenge!

But wait, you exclaim. Didn’t we just do that (sort of) last week? Tim clarifies for us: “Sophisticated 70s inspired. Not vintage, not retro.” And then he gets in a dig at the awfulness the designers made in the previous episode: “We all remember what happened with the last challege — too literal!” Yes we do, and yes it was. :( The winning design of this challenge will be sold on piperlime.com.

Off to Mood! Where somehow, Anya loses her money. A frantic search takes place. YEAH RIGHT. Somebody found that $100, pocketed it, and was out of there before you can say “I’m a thief.” Tim informs Anya she can use whatever $ the others have leftover after making their purchases (that would be all of $11.50 from Anthony Ryan), and muslin, but that’s it.
She starts crying. Arrrrgh. Look, unless it’s over a dying family member, I HATE CRYING. I’m not heartless; I get that having next to no fabric to work with will be hard. But this is your chance to score some extra points. Make Michael Kors trill, “I can’t believe you made that gorgeous dress out of nothing but muslin!” Back in the workroom, though, Anya eventually dries her tears and gets to work with fabric dye and muslin. Do it, girl! And let me say: I LOVE her hand tattoo. I might have to copy that …

Viktor shows why he’s on my Please Don’t Win list: all the other designers are giving Anya what fabric they have left over, but he refuses because “this is a competition, and I want to help her, but I can’t.” JERK.

The next morning, Tim enters — and the designers immediately suspect he’s bringing bad news. He is! They have to make a second look, a one-piece garment. They get only $50 bucks. “Anya, don’t lose that money!” Tim warns her as everyone runs around Mood. Lol. Way ahead of you, Tim. She has it pinned to her shirt. During the walk-through, Tim alerts Laura Kathleen to the fact that Nina questions Laura Kathleen’s taste level. I already knew that. From my recap of the season premiere: “And please note that Laura Kathleen totally rubbed Nina the wrong way.” So we’re what, like, nine episodes in, and Nina still doesn’t like Laura Kathleen’s clothes. Good. Cuz she’s on my Please Don’t Win list, too.

Runway:
I kind of have an eye orgasm when Kimberly’s one-piece pantsuit comes out. Please let her win so I can buy it on piperlime! Well — if it’s got an inseam long enough for a 6’2” giantess, that is. It better come in extra-long, Kimberly. Bert picked a pretty fabric, but underneath it, his model’s shorts showed the bottom third of her ass cheeks. That’s always so annoying to me. Unless you’re going to the beach, or you're prostituting, where the hell could you wear those???? Anya’s $11.50 look is amazing. Hell, it looks better than all the $100 looks (except Kimberly's pantsuit). I will be quite happy if Anya, Kimberly, or Anthony Ryan wins. Joshua, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen are on my … well, you know by now.


Kimberly is safe; she didn’t win. BUT I WANTED THAT JUMPSUIT. :( Laura Kathleen is in the bottom. The fabric of her shirt and skirt don’t match, and her one-piece is blah boring. Viktor is in the top. I like his jacket, but not his dress or pants. Nobody likes Joshua’s looks. How could they? My god, THOSE PANTS!!! :( His stuff is bad, bad, bad, and he gets mad at Heidi when she tells him so. *eye roll* Anya’s looks are a hit. YAY! And her severely limited budget adds to the impressiveness. Anthony Ryan’s looks are “hippie sister wives.” Eek. Bert’s go over well, though Nina says she’d wear the top with something other than those shorts. Lol.



The designers leave the runway so the judges can deliberate, and Joshua gets on everybody’s nerves by blaming his crappedy fug on the fact that he didn’t live through the 70s. Um … like practically nobody in that room did except for Bert, yet they for the most part managed to get it right, Josh. Just admit you made bad clothes.

Anya wins! Yaaaaaaaay! See what happens when you stop wasting time crying and get down to biz? You go, girl. Bert's dress is so cute that it’s going to be sold, too. I liked that. After all, he lived through this era. Joshua and Anthony Ryan are the bottom two. I hold my breath … DAMMIT. Anthony Ryan goes home. :( Stay awesome, Anthony Ryan.

And now, to piperlime to check the price of Anya’s clothes … and the inseams.

Project Runway, 9/8/11

Heidi: Two teams. No leaders. You all work together.
Josh: So do I get to be leader?

Slap him, I want to. Anyhoo, this time around, each team must make a new fabric, design a five-look collection, and shoot footage for a background music video. The mentor on this challenge is eternally cheery Betsey Johnson. Laura Kathleen, who I guess realized too much time has passed since she’s said something eye roll-inducing, chirps “I always say that I’m kind of like Betsey Johnson and Oscar de la Renta’s love child if they were to have a baby.” *eye roll* I was hoping Betsey’d do a cartwheel right there in the workroom; alas, I had to settle for watching a recorded one as she showed the designers video of her last collection. She then gave them some advice, which included, “Be cooperative. You have to throw away ‘me, me, me’ and go for the team.” Wise words, Bets. Too bad they likely fell on deaf ears.


Anthony Ryan and crew, Team Chaos, discuss a collection based on ink blot imagery. Interesting! Josh and crew, Team Nuts & Bolts, are finding inspiration in the circus no wait sea amoeba no wait scuba diving no wait female version of The Village People (?????????) no wait trains no wait clocks. That was so tortuously circuitous that it gave me brain ache … which was worsened by Josh blowing up at Bert for using “a swear word.” What WAS that? And I don’t give a damn that he recently lost his mother. That does not give someone an excuse to act like a complete assface. And then he apologized? Yeah, just like he apologized after bitching Becky out for no reason. Freak out, apologize, re-freak out, re-apologize. I’m over it.


In contrast, the members of Team Chaos are getting along great. Probably because being near Olivier (LOVE) causes happiness. Tim pops in, loves Chaos’s cohesion and positivity. Nuts & Bolts’ looks, on the other hand, confuse him, and he quickly recognizes the lack of unity. So much so that, after telling Josh to leave his ego at the door, he makes them join hands pledge to try to get along. LOL. After Tim’s bad review, Josh calls dad for moral support and cries a lot over his mother. I feel really sorry for him, but I repeat: it doesn’t excuse his constant assfacedness. Josh, Bryce, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen: do not win.


To nobody’s surprise, Chaos wins. To my surprise, for the second week in a row, I like Olivier’s (LOVE) look! And not kind of like, like last week. Surperlike! And Michael Kors agrees with me: “Olivier, I think the tailoring on your jacket’s fantastic. I think of all my years sitting in this chair, I think it’s one of the strongest tailored piece we’ve ever seen.” Nina: “Olivier, that’s the jacket I want.” My heart sings a happy song, I bounce up and down, and I officially forgive Michael Kors and Nina for Gretchengate. I KNEW Olivier (LOVE) had it in him! And then he was so bloody cute stumbling all over himself, hesitant and embarrassed about saying he thought he himself should be the winner.


Heidi says Nuts & Bolts’ collection is too busy. Michael Kors says it’s too literal. Nina said there were a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities. Their music video sucked. Michael HATES their stupid fabric, and praises Kimberly for refusing to use the prints in her outfit. Bert tells the judges that Josh went haywire bitchcakes on him, and then my Heidi proved why I heart her so much, pointing out to Josh that he has a pattern of fighting with his teammates: “I seem to recall a similar situation with Becky.” Ha! Josh pretended not to know what she was talking about. Heidi asks who’s the weakest link. Bert and Becky say Josh. Josh and Kimberly say Becky, but at least they have a reason. Laura Kathleen says Bert … because he mutters under his breath. ?????? I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.

The judges deliberate. Olivier’s (LOVE) jacket is killer. They also like Viktor’s gown and Anya’s dress. They praised Chaos for getting along, then moved on to Nuts & Bolts bashing. Becky’s look was boring. They agree that Bert has an attitude problem and is not a team player. Heidi questions Josh’s taste level, Nina says he came up with the worst print, Michael Kors calls him a dictator, guest judge calls him a bully. Ha! Surely he’s going home. And the winner is … ANYA? What—but—dammit! You got robbed, Olivier (LOVE). Ok, it’s down to Becky and Josh. *crosses fingers* And … Becky goes home. :( Wrong winner, wrong loser. I go to bed angry.

Project Runway, 8/11/11

11-ft-tall Heidi asks, “How’s everything going down there?” and I make a mental note to work that into the conversation next time somebody makes a dumb comment about my height. Wonder how long it took her to master stilt-walking? She was pretty damn good. Ooooooooh, the first team challenge! Some partners will love each other and produce pretty clothes, some will hate each other and produce ugly clothes, and some will love each other and yet still manage to make ugly clothes, lol.


Quote time!!! Fallene: I’m not settling for all black. We’re not creating a fricking gothic stilt-walker.” Good call. I can hear Michael Kors now: “She looks like a witch on growth hormone! She looks like she’s going to Gulliver’s funeral!” Plus, we all remember how overreliance on black got April sent home last season. Olivier (LOVE): “I think when it comes to a group challenge, it’s not about how brilliant, or how amazing you can do it by yourself; it’s much more about the collaboration and communication between the two people.” Dear Project Runway: please print that, laminate it, and pass it out every season from now on to all designers for the first team challenge. Dear Olivier (LOVE): we’re three episodes in, so PLEASE finally make something I actually like. Bryce: (horrified tone) “She didn’t know how to cut it on grain.” (smug tone) “It’s just the difference of being self taught and going to school.” Wow. It was Fallene, may I remind you, you backstabbing condescending pompous ass, who had the sense not to make a gothic stilt-walker, not you.


Oh my weeping god. Kim Kardashian? Really? The vapid useless brainless famewhore star of homemade porn? Really, Project Runway? REALLY? Wait—maybe this was by design. Why waste a qualified guest on judging stilt-walker outfits? This episode isn’t really about actual fashion; it, like that episode in season four when everyone had to design an outfit for a female wrestler, is about stretching the designers to their creative limits. Anybody can simply pick the prettiest/ugliest outfit, even vapid useless brainless famewhore stars of homemade porn. Clever, Project Runway. Clever! Hold the phone, stop the presses, and alert the media—I actually like Olivier (LOVE)’s look! But I don’t know how much of that was due to Anya’s influence, so I shall have to wait until next week—which will make it a solid month!!—to see if he’ll make something I like.


Michael Kors (I can’t ever just call him “Michael.” It doesn’t feel right.) totally said what I was thinking the entire episode: “If you scaled it down and she wasn’t on stilts, would it still be fabulous?” Exactly. Just because the models are exaggeratedly tall doesn’t mean you can dress them crappily and get away with it. As Josh pointed out, costumes (black swan, matador, mismatched curtains) were in the bottom; ready-to-wear looks (chiffon blouse-pant, red gown, jacket-pant) were in the top. My fave look was the jacket and pant on the tattooed model. The two pieces matched perfectly, that one shoulder jacket was tres chic, and nice tattoos make me happy. Heh. Alas, here comes Laura Kathleen and her red gown to steal my joy. Well, congrats on the win, LK. See? Magic happens when you don’t say anything stupid/brag about your family’s wealth.


I admit it: I liked the matador outfit! Yes, it was totally a costume, but I liked that cape jacket, those pants were snazzy, and, as MK pointed out, the clothes were very well made. Ok, it’s down to Bryce/Fallene’s black swan or Bert/Viktor’s mismatched curtains. I need to point out that my Heidi has an excellent Bullshit Detector. All last season, she called out the designers (led by Wretched Gretchen) for throwing Chris under the bus; this go-round, she totally saw through Viktor’s lies. But, when it came down to Viktor or Fallene, Fallene had to go. This was the second episode in a row that her look was in the bottom and she didn’t defend it.