Project Runway, 10/27/11

Josh, OF COURSE, is angry that Anya is still in it. Which speaks volumes about how confident he is in his ability to beat her.

Tim announces that everyone’s getting an unexpected $500 to spend at Mood however they please. Kimberly is changing the color of her ugly bubble skirt, but keeping the bubble shape, cuz she likes it. :( Anya’s making three whole new pieces. Viktor’s making a couple new pieces. JOSHUA HAS LOST HIS COTTON PICKING MARBLES. He has a fugly lime green fabric and he’s making shorts. He has orange-and-pink fabric and he’s making a tank top.
Oh, and he wants to also make a matching jacket in the fug lime green. I am loving it, because surely this messedy mess is going to get him sent home faster than you can say “Good riddance.” Arrrrgh, and then he cries. *annoyed* Tim visits! Kimberly is lost. Anya gives a farewell speech. Viktor has edited. Joshua’s green shorts look “really peculiar.”


Kimberly’s collection was just ok. Joshua’s was so mind bogglingly ugly it gave me throbbing brain ache. I didn’t like Viktor’s. –gasp– Oooooooooooh, love, love, superlove Anya’s. Every last piece. It looks so comfortable and effortless and vacationy! (And Jennifer Love Hewitt and Stephanie Winston Wolkoff agree with me.)

Well, if this is anything like last year, Anya will be eliminated first, and Joshua will win. :(

The judges praise Kimberly for taking their advice to heart while staying true to her “urban girl” theme. Michael Kors even calls one look “killer diller.” (OMG I AM STEALING THAT!) Her bubble skirt was again called out, though. Unsurprisingly, the judges liked Joshua’s clothes. *screams a scream of pure fury* No. I just can’t. Moving the hell on. The judges all love Viktor’s prints, but with the other pieces have the same problem I had: too much transparency/visible underclothes. Seriously, it was like the models forgot to put on their shirt/pants. Anya’s collection gets mostly praise and non-criticism like “the necklines are very similar,” “I can’t wear that in this city” and “you didn’t have as much to do construction-wise.” In other words, the judges are having to search very hard to find stuff to hate on.


I fast forward past the judges’ deliberation. I need to know right away if I’m about to be Gretchened two years in a row. Kimberly is sent home first. Well, the “first black person to win Project Runway” title is still yours to claim, future black winner! Then Viktor is sent off. So it’s down to Joshua and Anya. I’m not even going to get my hopes up. I’m not. In fact, let me just go ahead and start congratulating Joshu —

ANYA WINS! Yaaaaay omg yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay zomg YAY *skipping around* yay woot! This is killer diller!

Project Runway, 10/20/11

Part one of the finale, in which Tim Gunn gets all up in the designers’ biz, yo. This shall be short and sweet, cuz 1. next week’s will be pretty long-winded and 2. there’s never much to say about part one of the finale. It always feels so in-betweeny. Someone will have his or her dreams crushed, and then Fashion Week for the final three! Let’s get to it.

They never show you enough of the clothes during the Tim Visits to get a good idea of what the collection ultimately will look like. I like the Tim Visits just cuz we get to get all up in the designers’ biz. Like, see their homes and families and pix of them when they were kids. I’m nosy — I mean, curious, so I enjoy that.

Kim lost her mom, bro, and stepdad, you’ll recall, so I’m glad to see her surrounded by friends and a sister and an adorable little niece. She says she hopes to win to honor her mom and cuz she’d be proud to be the first African American to win Project Runway. MAKE HISTORY, GIRLFRIEND!!!!! Anya talks about how her brother Pilar who died at 18 inspires her. She hasn’t actually made any clothes yet, which worries Tim greatly, but we all know Anya’s a good last-minuter. Her fabrics are quite pretty. Speaking of pretty, oh my god. What I saw of Trinidad & Tobago was goooooorgeous. I’m not at all big on traveling, but I MUST VISIT THERE.

Viktor is calling his collection “Urban Coast.” Serving as his inspiration are pictures he took while in Guadalajara for the anniversary of his brother’s death. (Jesus! :( THREE dead brothers.) Joshua has 507 garish fabrics. Tim says it’s gimmicky, says one dress in particular makes him want to weep, asks where’s the sex, says there’s too much happening. After what Joshua’s been putting out all season, that’s pretty much exactly how I was expecting his Tim Visit to go.

Everyone arrives in NY. Tim tells them to select three pieces to show. I liked Viktor’s and Anya’s, and I hated Josh’s and (this hurts!!!) Kimberly’s. :( :( :( :( And the person going home is … Anya. Dammit, that means Josh and Viktor are in the finale — but also that history could potentially be made. Go Kimberly! Oh -- and go Anya, too! She wasn't sent home. All four are showing at Fashion Week. YAY! This ups the chances that Viktor or Josh will lose. Please let them lose.

Project Runway 10/13/11

Warning: this recap contains a brief but intense freak-out, for my girl crush’s matchless, inimitable beauty does strange things to my brain. I apologize in advance.

Usually I don’t bother with the show-opening conversations had in the apartments, but Josh and Viktor pissed me off so much that I must vent. First Josh starts off talking about how it took a while to get to know Bert. Yes. Because you’re an insufferable jerk, and you decided for no reason on day one that you didn’t like him. Then Viktor says Bert should have lasted longer than Kimberly. Sure. Because someone who can beat your dress that took two days with her dress that took three hours has no talent whatsoever. Then Josh disses Anya’s entire body of work. Yes. Because those pants he made in the 70s challenge are simply the best thing fashion’s ever seen. EYE ROLL.

The final five head off to Governor’s Island, where Tim instructs them that, using the art on the island as a muse, they must create three pieces. Three DIFFERENT pieces, he specifies. Everyone hops in golf carts and speeds off. Kimberly and Anya are inspired by an art piece. Josh has a brother off serving his country, so Josh is inspired by the “artillerary.” I guess when your ego is as big as his, you feel it’s ok if you create a nonsense word by combining “military” and “artillery.” Laura Kathleen is inspired by circles, Viktor by structure and silhouette.

At Mood, Laura Kathleen decides it has been entirely too long since she reminded us that SHE IS RICH and busts out “When it comes to spending money, I like the finer things in life.” I mean, it’s as if she, Viktor, and Joshua had a meeting in which they discussed ways to remind me why I hate them.


Tim enters. UH OH. With the button bag. Re-UH OH! He announces that they are going to get assistants. Let me guess: former contestants? Yep. Kimberly chooses Becky. Viktor chooses Olivier, who hates fat people. Laura Kathleen chooses Anthony Ryan. Anya chooses Bert, leaving Joshua with Bryce … who’s not looking forward to it because Josh is “controlling.” Yeah, and pretty infantile, too. Jealous that she won the $20k last challenge (and probably still mad that she didn’t decrease her chances of winning by giving him fabric), Josh simply will not stop bashing Anya about dumb stuff like the fact that she’s a beauty queen and made-up stuff like her work shows no range. At one point, Bryce even (meekly) tells him to let it go. Kimberly is giving a repeat performance of last episode, flustered and unsure of what to do. Laura Kathleen is doing the same — then she cries (AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!) tears of self-importance because she just knows she is destined to go to fashion week. Bert and Anya are getting along famously. Olivier, who hates fat people, complains that he is slave labor. Ugh. I can’t believe I was so crazy about him. Tool.


Runway! Please please pleaseness, let two of my three hated jerks go home. Oh — but first:

AAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! There she is! It’s my girl crush, Zoe Saldana! I die! I come back to life! I re-die! She’s sooooooooooooooo prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m twitching! I’m squealing! I’m not worthy! Just, omg, like, look at her! HEY! I SAID LOOK AT HER, DAMMIT! AND THEN FALL TO YOUR KNEES IN REVERENTIAL WORSHIP!

*calming down*


Ok. Runway!

I hate Joshua’s looks. Well — the little white dress isn’t bad. But those other two? I can’t even … they just … NO. And I’m not hating, because when that poofy skirt outfit hit the runway, Joshua himself said “It looks so big. It’s not flattering. But, fake it til you make it.” See? It sucks. Michael Kors called it a “ra-ra skirt.” Yes! That’s it! It’s a bad cheerleader costume. My Zoe says the gown looks like the Statue of Liberty; all the judges dislike his shiny, glittery fabric.


I love Kimberly’s looks. I know it’s sounding like I’m letting how I feel about the designers decide what I like/dislike, but I swear I’m not. Note that the judges are agreeing with me. My Zoe says, “All in all, wow.” MK says the coat needs tailoring, but the gray dress is her strongest piece. Heidi says the looks aren’t very cohesive, but she likes the fabric and the gray dress.



I hate Laura Kathleen’s looks. (I’m not doing this on purpose.) The looks really suck, and I can't believe that mess is what she came up with by being inspired by circles. She cries AGAIN about how badly she wants to go to fashion week. Nobody is moved. Well, I am … to beat her in the face with a hammer. Heidi likes the gown (WHY?), hates the skirt, and feels that the dress doesn’t match the other two pieces. Nina and MK say almost the same thing. My Zoe says the dress looks like a pillowcase with black tape tied around it. Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!


I love Anya’s. (I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!) Nina says the looks are modern and actually look like a cohesive collection. Heidi says the white dress looks a bit like a sheet but loves the black dress. MK says the looks are sophisticated and Anya understands women’s bodies. (Lol at Joshua looking mad and jealous.) My Zoe likes the cuts and says the looks have a futuristic tone … and that she’s a sci fi buff. LIKE ME. I LOVE HER.


I truly like Viktor’s. Oh, pick your jaw up off the floor. I still hate him. Heidi likes them too, but says nothing is wowing her. Nina loves them but says it lacks oomph and is a bit too secretarial. My Zoe says she likes the secretary look, finds a few flaws. MK says it’s a very commercial collection that would actually sell, but the volume needs to be turned up.


Wow. I think that’s the first time my opinions have ever dovetailed so perfectly with the judges’.

Joshua shocks the eff out of me by saying he’d take Viktor … and Anya to fashion week with him. Kimberly says Anya and Laura Kathleen. Anya (who almost starts crying but stops, thank God), says Viktor and Josh. Laura Kathleen (who starts sobbing — KNOCK. IT. OFF.), Viktor and Anya. Viktor, Anya and Josh.

Nobody said Kimberly. :( Haters.

Anya (YAY!), Viktor, and Joshua (DAMMIT!) are safe. Laura Kathleen and Kimberly are in the bottom. Since LK’s looks were so atroshe (that’s my new word), I wasn’t even worried. Suck it, haters! Bye, LK! Your great wealth couldn’t save you.

And now, I leave you with several images of THE MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN ON THE PLANET:

Project Runway, 10/6/11

This go-round, the designers must make clothes inspired by a bird. So, they have to give fashion the tweetment! We’re gonna get a real bird’s eye view into the designing process! I hope there won’t be any fowl play! Will this be a wild goose chase? Who’s going to have to eat some crow? I bet the owl doesn’t give a hoot!

Ok, ok. I’ll stop.

The designers are split into teams: Anya/Laura Kathleen - raven, Joshua/Bert - parrot, Viktor/Kimberly - cockatoo. (I was mad nobody got the owl. Owls are cool. See: Harry Potter.) Joshua and Bert are getting along now, but, Bert says, if they’d been put together a few weeks ago, they would have killed the bird. LOL. Team members are competing against each other; winner of this challenge will get $20,000. As happens every season every time money is on the line, somebody has to go into detail about how poor he or she is; this time it’s Joshua, who informs us he has “negative money” in his bank account. Tim enters the workroom and tells them they must make a second bird-inspired look. (At this point, Tim telling them they have to make a second look is getting pretty predictable. It would be more surprising if he didn’t, lol.)


As work progresses, a cockroach disturbs the peace. Kimberly reacts the way I would have: she jumps up onto a table, hops up and down, and screams. Anya reacts the way I wish I would have: she grabs a shoe and kills it. I thought Josh telling her that “that was some Lara Croft Tomb Raider type shit” was a bit rich … then again, I would have been hysterically screaming on a tabletop. Kimberly, really struggling with her looks, accidentally sews through her finger, wanders around aimlessly, then goes to the bathroom to have a good cry. These tears do not annoy me, however, cuz she lost her mom, AND her stepdad, AND her brother. :( Be strong, girlfriend! Tim, sensing her malaise, gives her a fatherly hug of support. I bloody love that Tim. Then, as if all that isn’t enough, her dress is burned on a hot glue gun so she has to start all over with like only three hours left.

Josh scraps a dress, then asks Anya for fabric, then gets mad when she doesn’t want to give him any cuz he offered her some that time she lost her money. Jerk, this is different. Anya accidentally lost her money and genuinely needed help. Josh, on the other hand, up and decided his look was “heinous!” then tried to guilt trip Anya. Plus, there’s TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on the line this time. So suck it, Josh.

On runway day, Tim says everyone must pick one, and only one, of their two looks to walk the runway. Huh. Unexpected.


I abhor, detest, loathe, and want to shred with scissors both Anya’s and Laura Kathleen’s raven looks. They’re fugly and overpoweringly black. Too literal! Ravens are black; I get that, but their feathers are iridescent, so I would have worked that in with some blue or purple. LK tried with some dark purple feathers, but I HATE FEATHERS ON CLOTHES, so that cancelled it out. The judges hate her look but love Anya’s dress. “Beautiful, modern, and dramatic,” says Nina. Meh. Anya wins; LK loses.


I looooooooooved Bert’s and hated Joshua’s parrot looks. Michael Kors calls Bert’s “pageanty”; Nina says it’s disappointing. Well, I loved it, dammit, and I would so wear it. Wouldn’t be caught dead in Joshua’s, though. HORRID. It is a shapeless, ill-fitting, bright orange ball of blah. Alas, the judges are blown away. “Beautifully draped,” says Michael Kors, “beautifully cut,” says Nina. Meh. Joshua wins, Bert loses.


I looooooooooved Kimberly’s and hated Viktor’s cockatoo looks. Kimberly’s is dramatic and elegant and tres sophisticated. The judges can see flaws, but they are impressed and amazed she made it so fast. “The cut is fabulous” and “there’s something very seductive” say MK and Nina, though she also says it’s a bit “beauty pageant.” Viktor’s is covered in feathers. I HATE FEATHERS ON CLOTHES. The judges like its construction and movement, but he was too literal. Kimberly wins; Viktor loses. YAY!

Anya wins it all. On one hand, yay!, cuz she’s not on my Please Don’t Win list. On the other hand, boooooo!, cuz I couldn't stand her dress and I wanted Kimberly to win. Oh well. Better her than that insufferable Josh. Spend that $20K in good health, girl!

Bert and Laura Kathleen are in the bottom … Bert gets sent home. :(

Project Runway, 9/29/11

It’s a 70s challenge!

But wait, you exclaim. Didn’t we just do that (sort of) last week? Tim clarifies for us: “Sophisticated 70s inspired. Not vintage, not retro.” And then he gets in a dig at the awfulness the designers made in the previous episode: “We all remember what happened with the last challege — too literal!” Yes we do, and yes it was. :( The winning design of this challenge will be sold on piperlime.com.

Off to Mood! Where somehow, Anya loses her money. A frantic search takes place. YEAH RIGHT. Somebody found that $100, pocketed it, and was out of there before you can say “I’m a thief.” Tim informs Anya she can use whatever $ the others have leftover after making their purchases (that would be all of $11.50 from Anthony Ryan), and muslin, but that’s it.
She starts crying. Arrrrgh. Look, unless it’s over a dying family member, I HATE CRYING. I’m not heartless; I get that having next to no fabric to work with will be hard. But this is your chance to score some extra points. Make Michael Kors trill, “I can’t believe you made that gorgeous dress out of nothing but muslin!” Back in the workroom, though, Anya eventually dries her tears and gets to work with fabric dye and muslin. Do it, girl! And let me say: I LOVE her hand tattoo. I might have to copy that …

Viktor shows why he’s on my Please Don’t Win list: all the other designers are giving Anya what fabric they have left over, but he refuses because “this is a competition, and I want to help her, but I can’t.” JERK.

The next morning, Tim enters — and the designers immediately suspect he’s bringing bad news. He is! They have to make a second look, a one-piece garment. They get only $50 bucks. “Anya, don’t lose that money!” Tim warns her as everyone runs around Mood. Lol. Way ahead of you, Tim. She has it pinned to her shirt. During the walk-through, Tim alerts Laura Kathleen to the fact that Nina questions Laura Kathleen’s taste level. I already knew that. From my recap of the season premiere: “And please note that Laura Kathleen totally rubbed Nina the wrong way.” So we’re what, like, nine episodes in, and Nina still doesn’t like Laura Kathleen’s clothes. Good. Cuz she’s on my Please Don’t Win list, too.

Runway:
I kind of have an eye orgasm when Kimberly’s one-piece pantsuit comes out. Please let her win so I can buy it on piperlime! Well — if it’s got an inseam long enough for a 6’2” giantess, that is. It better come in extra-long, Kimberly. Bert picked a pretty fabric, but underneath it, his model’s shorts showed the bottom third of her ass cheeks. That’s always so annoying to me. Unless you’re going to the beach, or you're prostituting, where the hell could you wear those???? Anya’s $11.50 look is amazing. Hell, it looks better than all the $100 looks (except Kimberly's pantsuit). I will be quite happy if Anya, Kimberly, or Anthony Ryan wins. Joshua, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen are on my … well, you know by now.


Kimberly is safe; she didn’t win. BUT I WANTED THAT JUMPSUIT. :( Laura Kathleen is in the bottom. The fabric of her shirt and skirt don’t match, and her one-piece is blah boring. Viktor is in the top. I like his jacket, but not his dress or pants. Nobody likes Joshua’s looks. How could they? My god, THOSE PANTS!!! :( His stuff is bad, bad, bad, and he gets mad at Heidi when she tells him so. *eye roll* Anya’s looks are a hit. YAY! And her severely limited budget adds to the impressiveness. Anthony Ryan’s looks are “hippie sister wives.” Eek. Bert’s go over well, though Nina says she’d wear the top with something other than those shorts. Lol.



The designers leave the runway so the judges can deliberate, and Joshua gets on everybody’s nerves by blaming his crappedy fug on the fact that he didn’t live through the 70s. Um … like practically nobody in that room did except for Bert, yet they for the most part managed to get it right, Josh. Just admit you made bad clothes.

Anya wins! Yaaaaaaaay! See what happens when you stop wasting time crying and get down to biz? You go, girl. Bert's dress is so cute that it’s going to be sold, too. I liked that. After all, he lived through this era. Joshua and Anthony Ryan are the bottom two. I hold my breath … DAMMIT. Anthony Ryan goes home. :( Stay awesome, Anthony Ryan.

And now, to piperlime to check the price of Anya’s clothes … and the inseams.

Project Runway, 9/22/11

How cool. The designers will be creating for an unsigned band a look to be worn for a Rolling Stones photo shoot. So basically, they’re helping to create the look that will introduce the band to the masses. Nice. The four guys (Guys? But that means menswear! Panic!) of the band Sheepdogs come in and play for everyone a song which I totally liked, and during which the delicate flower that is Olivier (LOVE) repeatedly cringed because the music is so loud. That must mean he hates concerts! Me too! High five. Team Harmony: Bert, Laura Kathleen, Anya, and Anthony Ryan. Team Untitled: Olivier (LOVE), Viktor, Kimberly, and Joshua. Tim instructs them that everyone must make an outfit for one guy in the band, but the looks don’t have to be cohesive. Which I’m glad to hear, cuz whenever this group has had to make a collection, it generally hasn't gone very well.


Ewan, the lead singer, says the band’s into “boots, jeans, denim, suede.” Sam, the drummer, asks for a caftain/dashiki sort of top. I love dashikis. Ryan, bass player, doesn’t make any specific requests — but he doesn’t have to, because his supremely bad ass boots ARE SPEAKING VOLUMES. I want to make out with him and play with his beautiful hair. Joshua: “The moment I saw these snakeskin cowboy boots, I was like, ‘I want that one!’” BACK OFF, BITCH. Leot, lead guitar, says he’s been looking for red bell bottom jeans or corduroy “forever.” I love corduroy. The Sheepdogs’ fashion sense and music rule.

Alas. This is when the episode takes a sad, sad turn for me, and I begin to stop loving Olivier. :(

Remember last week, when Olivier was all “I hate breasts,” and I was all, “THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORK IN MENSWEAR”? Um … that’s what he does. “I’m a menswear designer.” So, oops. (But still. It’s Project Runway, not Project Runway: Menswear. Get over it.) But just as I’m trying move past Boob Disgust, he starts in with Fat Hatred. “I think I’m sort of at a disadvantage because menswear is all about detail and fitting and proportion — and I got the biggest guy.” Olivier, please stop it. There are levels of fatness: 1. skinny, 2. a few pounds overweight, 3. fat, and 4. OH MY GOD YOU’RE A WHALE. Ewan’s a 2, not a 4. So knock it off.

Off to Mood! Where Viktor annoys me by getting blue denim because he can’t find the red denim Leot requested. Really, Viktor? It’s not blue denim that he’s been looking for “forever.” Laura Kathleen, also designing for Leot, makes the much smarter and also DUH-obvious move of buying denim and some red dye. Back in the workroom, Olivier is fret fret fretting about how Ewan is bigger than the mannequin. Ok, this is getting super old, super fast. Anya: “In real life, you’re gonna fit and have to make clothes for people who aren’t the same size as the mannequin. And this is just the reality” THANK YOU, ANYA.


During the consults, all the band members pretty much seemed to be mostly happy with what was being created for them except poor Ewan. Bert is making him women’s clothing in strange shades of purple. Lol. Olivier is using “a flowery pattern with swans on it.” Ewan hates both. Like, a lot.

Then Olivier is just FLAT OUT RUDE. :(
- Olivier: “Because he’s visually bigger on stage, so I don’t want to put a lot of things on him to make him ever bigger.”
- Ewan: “So you’re saying I’m a big man.”
- Olivier: “You’re big.”
Aawkward silence. Ewan just stares. Tim looks hella uncomfortable.


THEN IT CONTINUES. :(
- Tim: “Can you finish these up before the fitting?”
- Olivier: “That’s my concern, because Ewan is bigger than the mannequin.”
- Tim: “But this is an issue that every fashion designer faces. You need seam allowance. You have Ewan’s measurements.”
- Olivier: “I have all his measurements; it’s just sometimes it’s hard—” (Thankfully, Tim cuts him off before he can call Ewan fat again.)
- Tim: “But that shouldn’t make any difference. Just move forward.”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. :(
- Olivier: “You don’t feel that passionate when you’re designing for something that you don’t really care for. I never really thought of making things for plus-sized people — you can say I’m ignorant — because I’m always used to dress model size.”
Yes, you are quite ignorant! And for the love of god, EWAN ISN’T EVEN FAT, YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLY INSENSITIVE, NORMAL-SIZED-PEOPLE-HATING LOUT! Olivier love officially revoked. He is now in the please-don’t-win category with Joshua and Laura Kathleen. Team Anya or Anthony Ryan!


Since Ewan didn’t like the purple, Bert is re-re-re-dying the fabric to make it the right color, "to make him feel comfortable.” But Olivier, of a completely different mindset, is all “I don’t know if he’s going to be happy, but he’ll look good.” *sigh* During the fittings, Olivier’s pants look like crap on Ewan. Olivier gets a stern talking-to from Tim. Joshua: “All Olivier’s been doing the whole challenge is complaining about how much bigger Ewan is and that the form doesn’t fit. But any good flat pattern maker would’ve been able to have something other than some sloppy pair of pants.” THANK YOU, JOSHUA.


Eeeeeeeeeeeee eee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Omg! Adam Lambert is the guest judge! Adam, you don’t understand how much I love your music!! “Sleepwalker” and “Aftermath” are amaaaaaaaaaaaazing! Come give me a hug! Dammit, HUG MEEEEEEE!

*calms down*


Team Harmony’s look is too literal and very expected. Their theme was “a modern Jimi Hendrix,” but Michael Kors says the looks lack Jimi’s swagger. Agree. Heidi and Adam like Laura Kathleen’s outfit. I love those red pants. Michel Kors and Nina hate the tie-dye shirt and jacket. Agree. Bert’s trippy-cool 70s look for Ewan is a hit. Anya’s pants for Sam are well made, but the shirt is aaaaawful, and the overall look is too Pocahontas and “reggae Jesus.” (Michael Kors’ zingers keep cracking Adam up. Adam’s laugh is so stupid cute that I hug my tv.) Anthony Ryan’s sleeveless shirt and sleek pants for Ryan is my fave look of the four, but the judges did not like it. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.


Team Untitled also has hits and misses. Their theme was Western — which to me makes ZERO sense for a rock band, but whatevs. Olivier’s look for Ewan is, of course, terrible. It's “boring” and “boxy” and “almost too feminine” — AND OLIVIER EFFING CALLS EWAN FAT AGAIN. I actually yell, "Shut up!" Kudos to Ewan who, when asked how he felt about the clothes, started with "I appreciate all the work that went into this..." After being called fat 76 times and being forced to wear that hideousness, I certainly could not have been so diplomatic. Kimberly pulled an Anya and made for Sam awesome pants but a fugly shirt, which the judges detest. They have a collective happy-fit over the expertly tailored jacket and jeans Viktor made for Leot but do not like the shirt. Ryan likes the outfit Joshua made for him, from the wacky jacket and shirt to the white pants with their please-look-at-my-crotch zipper. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.

Well, despite not making Leot red pants, Viktor wins. Leot wears the outfit for the photo shoot — everybody else changed clothes, lol — and yep, he looks good. And you know he totally kept those awesome red bell bottoms Laura Kathleen made for him and rocks them once a week. Kimberly and Olivier are in the bottom. Kimberly? She and Anya both made good pants but bad shirt, and while Kimberly’s shirt was pretty bad, Anya’s was aaaaawful. But it doesn’t matter; Olivier is the one sent home. YAY! The judges (rightfully) felt that a menswear designer should have done much better. And Olivier totally could have. But he refused. Because Ewan is “fat.” With fat-people hatred is that intense, I don’t understand why he didn’t ask someone on his team to switch band members with him.

I find it astonishing that just because he didn’t want to design for a “fat” person, Olivier simply gave up, made shitty clothes, got himself eliminated, and missed out on the chance win ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. Unbelievably prejudiced moron.

Project Runway, 9/15/11

Whenever Heidi announces that the designers will be working with new models, I get excited. Over the years we’ve seen pregnant chicks, brides, overweight chicks, formerly overweight chicks, little girls, stiltwalkers, etc. What’ll it be this time? It will be … DUDES! And not male models, either. Regular dudes. Any time the models are regular people, you can bet your bottom dollar there will be fat discrimination. Josh leads the way with “I’m not whatsoever intimidated; I’m intimidated by the waistlines.” Anya: “I choose Mike because he has the most slender frame. It’s perfect.” Even Olivier (LOVE) chimes in: “In the end, we’re left with all these fat people. And fat is fine! But not when I’m making clothes.” At least he made a (half-hearted) attempt to assure us that he doesn’t hate fatties. LOL. Ooooooh, the old switcharoo! They’re not designing for the men; they’re designing for the men’s wives/girlfriends. I cross my fingers and toes and hope to all the gods that Joshua’s, Anya’s, and Olivier’s (LOVE) model’s wives are all 300 pounds overweight. Lol. (Laura Kathleen prays her guy is rich with a fabulous wife. *eye roll*)

Viktor’s guy knows nothing about what his girl wants. Anya’s guy knows nothing about what his girl wants. Bert’s guy, whom I immediately dislike, describes his girl as “a hot piece of tushie,” tells Bert her boobs are what attracted him to her, later calls himself “the booby monster” and demonstrates his motorboating technique, and wants Bert to make something very low-cut. Joshua asks his guy if his girl would be into lace; he responds that she keeps it “tame and simple.” Bryce’s guy wants something cutesy, elegant, girly, and pink. Anthony Ryan’s guy, whom I immediately like, may be a tall tattooed stocky long-haired mustached bear, but he’s a teddy bear. He wants Anthony Ryan to recreate a dress of his girl’s that he lost in an airport because it would make her “squeal with excitement.” Awww! Laura Kathleen’s guy instructs her to picture herself “darker, taller, and maybe bustier.” Wow. It’s called “tact,” dude. Olivier (temporary de-LOVE), continuing with the fat-ism, is not pleased that his guy’s girl has “ginormous” breasts. “I don’t like women having boobs. I just want them to be flat when it comes to design. I think that distracts from the whole line.” Um … then maybe YOU SHOULD WORK IN MENSWEAR.


Arrival of the women! Ok, to be fair, Laura Kathleen’s chick actually IS a darker, taller, bustier Laura Kathleen, lol. Laura Kathleen says she’s ok designing for Barbies cuz usually they’re the ones with money. WE GET IT, LAURA KATHLEEN. YOU LOVE WEALTH AND HATE POOR PEOPLE. Bert’s chick, thank god, reigns in her husband’s cleavage-exposing obsession. Anya’s nervous about making for her chick (who is not 300 pounds overweight. Darn!) a silk garment. Viktor’s pleased when his chick arrives wearing something very similar to what he’s making. Anthony’s chick is loving her replace-the-lost dress; her teddy bear husband BEAMS. Kimberly’s chick is shocked that her boyfriend helped design an actually pretty dress, lol. Joshua … SIGH… was told very specifically to make something simple, and what does he do? Puts little metal tiles on the dress. His chick immediately shoots that down as “too showy.” He moans that when his guy “said simple; I didn’t realize he meant SIMPLE.” *annoyed* But let us give him credit; at least he didn’t subject her to The Wrath of Joshua. Though you know he wanted to. Olivier (LOVE) and his chick are (politely) clashing over how the garment should look. Bryce’s chick loves the pink fabric he selected, but he hates it so he gets out the fabric dye. Then he cries over how much he misses his boyfriend, but I’m still too mad at how much of an utter dick he was to Fallene to feel sorry for him. Jerk.


Ok, I agreed with like NONE of the judging. Anya’s Japanese- and African-inspired kimono gets high praise. I don’t like it. Joshua’s now-simple black dress gets high praise. I’m not so impressed. Viktor’s shirt-and-skirt combo gets high praise. I HATE IT. I liked Olivier’s (LOVE) shirt-and-pants combo; it didn’t even place. :(


Bert, Bryce, and—darn!—Anthony Ryan are in the bottom. Bert’s dress is too original and safe. If the neckline weren’t so low, I’d like it. Bryce’s pink dress, according to Nina, has too much going on. I, however, love it. Anthony Ryan’s replace-the-lost-dress is a “cheerleader-sailor child’s uniform.” I, however, love it.


Joshua wins. BOOOOOOOOOOO! He does a cartwheel. I pettily wish he’d fallen off stage. He races in to tell the other designers that he won, then wants people to touch his chest to feel how fast his heart’s beating. Anya politely does—then Olivier (LOVE) actually snatches his hand away so he won’t have to. Ha haha ha! The bottom two are Anthony Ryan and Bryce. TRUE LOVE SAVED ANTHONY RYAN! Bryce goes home. Fallene and I cheer.

Project Runway, 9/8/11

Heidi: Two teams. No leaders. You all work together.
Josh: So do I get to be leader?

Slap him, I want to. Anyhoo, this time around, each team must make a new fabric, design a five-look collection, and shoot footage for a background music video. The mentor on this challenge is eternally cheery Betsey Johnson. Laura Kathleen, who I guess realized too much time has passed since she’s said something eye roll-inducing, chirps “I always say that I’m kind of like Betsey Johnson and Oscar de la Renta’s love child if they were to have a baby.” *eye roll* I was hoping Betsey’d do a cartwheel right there in the workroom; alas, I had to settle for watching a recorded one as she showed the designers video of her last collection. She then gave them some advice, which included, “Be cooperative. You have to throw away ‘me, me, me’ and go for the team.” Wise words, Bets. Too bad they likely fell on deaf ears.


Anthony Ryan and crew, Team Chaos, discuss a collection based on ink blot imagery. Interesting! Josh and crew, Team Nuts & Bolts, are finding inspiration in the circus no wait sea amoeba no wait scuba diving no wait female version of The Village People (?????????) no wait trains no wait clocks. That was so tortuously circuitous that it gave me brain ache … which was worsened by Josh blowing up at Bert for using “a swear word.” What WAS that? And I don’t give a damn that he recently lost his mother. That does not give someone an excuse to act like a complete assface. And then he apologized? Yeah, just like he apologized after bitching Becky out for no reason. Freak out, apologize, re-freak out, re-apologize. I’m over it.


In contrast, the members of Team Chaos are getting along great. Probably because being near Olivier (LOVE) causes happiness. Tim pops in, loves Chaos’s cohesion and positivity. Nuts & Bolts’ looks, on the other hand, confuse him, and he quickly recognizes the lack of unity. So much so that, after telling Josh to leave his ego at the door, he makes them join hands pledge to try to get along. LOL. After Tim’s bad review, Josh calls dad for moral support and cries a lot over his mother. I feel really sorry for him, but I repeat: it doesn’t excuse his constant assfacedness. Josh, Bryce, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen: do not win.


To nobody’s surprise, Chaos wins. To my surprise, for the second week in a row, I like Olivier’s (LOVE) look! And not kind of like, like last week. Surperlike! And Michael Kors agrees with me: “Olivier, I think the tailoring on your jacket’s fantastic. I think of all my years sitting in this chair, I think it’s one of the strongest tailored piece we’ve ever seen.” Nina: “Olivier, that’s the jacket I want.” My heart sings a happy song, I bounce up and down, and I officially forgive Michael Kors and Nina for Gretchengate. I KNEW Olivier (LOVE) had it in him! And then he was so bloody cute stumbling all over himself, hesitant and embarrassed about saying he thought he himself should be the winner.


Heidi says Nuts & Bolts’ collection is too busy. Michael Kors says it’s too literal. Nina said there were a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities. Their music video sucked. Michael HATES their stupid fabric, and praises Kimberly for refusing to use the prints in her outfit. Bert tells the judges that Josh went haywire bitchcakes on him, and then my Heidi proved why I heart her so much, pointing out to Josh that he has a pattern of fighting with his teammates: “I seem to recall a similar situation with Becky.” Ha! Josh pretended not to know what she was talking about. Heidi asks who’s the weakest link. Bert and Becky say Josh. Josh and Kimberly say Becky, but at least they have a reason. Laura Kathleen says Bert … because he mutters under his breath. ?????? I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.

The judges deliberate. Olivier’s (LOVE) jacket is killer. They also like Viktor’s gown and Anya’s dress. They praised Chaos for getting along, then moved on to Nuts & Bolts bashing. Becky’s look was boring. They agree that Bert has an attitude problem and is not a team player. Heidi questions Josh’s taste level, Nina says he came up with the worst print, Michael Kors calls him a dictator, guest judge calls him a bully. Ha! Surely he’s going home. And the winner is … ANYA? What—but—dammit! You got robbed, Olivier (LOVE). Ok, it’s down to Becky and Josh. *crosses fingers* And … Becky goes home. :( Wrong winner, wrong loser. I go to bed angry.