Hell's Kitchen, 8/8/11

Booooo. When I saw that spread of produce on the table, I was hoping for a vegetarian challenge. Alas, it’s a beer challenge. I haaaaaaaaaaate beer. I hate wine. I hate alcohol in all its forms. So I’ve never gotten drunk and acted like a rampaging buffoon (see: Krupa), and I’ve never had a hangover so bad it cost me my chance at $250,000 (see: Krupa).

Clearly, the girls’ team isn’t one for learning from mistakes. For the second week in a row, they rated Ditzy Carrie’s dish low for no other reason than who made it, when according to the judges it tasted pretty darn good. And when Elizabeth’s and Jennifer’s were actually bad. IDIOTS. God, I am so sick of the clique. And WTF. Apparently Jonathan likes being a repeat offender as well. Even before the flash-back reminded us, I thought of that craptastic pineapple-chicken rubbish he served Gordon in the first episode. Yuck. Back when I ate meat, I haaaaaaaaaaated fruit+meat pairings. It’s a gross, disgusting combination of two things that alone are amazing but combined made my mouth cry. Apple-stuffed pork loin. Salmon with fruit relish. Steak with apricot glaze. No! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, NO! As expected, nobody liked Jonathan’s disgusting chicken with pineapple. Again. IDIOT.


I’m glad the girls lost. Again. They deserved it. What—is Bitchy Elise crying?????? First of all, what a pussy, and secondly, why? All she ever does is stand to the side while all the other girls do all the work. “I got my point and I’m tired of being punished.” “This is heavy.” “My fist is about to have your teeth on it.” Jeeeeeeeeeesus. And once again, she completely refused to see reason when her team tried to explain to her why they’re sick of her bullshit. Next time Bitchy Elise is on the chopping block—and you know the other girls are looking for ANY reason to nominate her—which will be her third time, she’s going home. (Reminder: “Three strikes and you’re out,” said Gordon to Chino.)


Dinner Service:
Yeah right, she’s trying to work on her attitude, as evinced by her attempts to blame Ditzy Carrie for the fact that she forgot to drain the salad; then soon began once again to irritate her teammates to death with her unnecessary order-screaming. Tigers don’t change their stripes, people. Hey, is anyone else disturbed by how many scallops have to die for no reason other than to be thrown into the garbage on this show? Tonight was a higher-than-usual number, but still. It irks me. KUDOS! Kudos to Will for pointing out that Jonathan shouldn’t have blamed Tommy’s prep for the messed-up Wellingtons. Let us not forget that last week, Monterray got sent home because Jonathan refused to even try to fry the fish, sticking Monterray with it. So clearly Jonathan cannot cook meat; blaming Tommy is his only hope. (Random: Tommy looks like a young Steve Buscemi.)


Elimination:
Natalie and Jonathan. Duh. Krupa and Jamie—not Elise. DAMMIT, WILL I NEVER BE RID OF THIS EMBARRASSING STEREOTYPE OF “THE BLACK BITCH”??????????? Then again, since she’s good for ratings, the Hell’s Kitchen Contestant Selection Committee will from now on probably be instructed to pick a black bitch instead of a well-qualified, level-headed black female chef. :( Darn—I was hoping it would be Jonathan, but nope. Buh-bye, Krupa. To quote T Pain, you can “blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.”

Gordon: “Do you like speed?”
Tommy: “Meth or coke?”
Me: ROFL.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/2/11

Example #434 of Ditzy Carrie-bashing: her prawn dish was better than Elizabeth’s; yet the girls were all fawning over Elizabeth’s. And please note how Bitchy Elise voted for Elizabeth’s dish before even tasting Ditzy Carrie’s … then lost her round … then blamed the team’s loss on Krupa. Who, yes, did make a mistake, but this wasn’t exactly Bitchy Elise’s or the team’s finest hour.

Wow, a spa day? WAY BETTER prize than Medieval Times or go-carts.

Random: the previews for Rise of the Planet of the Apes are driving me bloody craaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Cannot WAIT to see it this weekend.

Dinner Service!
Ruined risotto, two ruined pastas — well, Krupa’s in the running for going home tonight. Ok, wait. I get why Monterray got sent off, but what happened with Tommy??? Gordon totally just pulled that frazzled-mom move of getting so mad at one kid that she punishes any child in the immediate vicinity, LOL. And while Gina did worse than Bitchy Elise, it was the latter who jumped down the throat of anyone who said they were voting for her for elimination, and who refused to listen to like 3 or 4 people trying to explain to her why she’s so disliked. Ugh.

I want her gone if for no other reason than so my Hell’s Kitchen recaps can be more than I-really-hate-Elise reports.

Elimination:
Tommy and Monty, of course, on the chopping block on the boys’ side, and Bitchy Elise and Krupa on the girls’. Could it be? DAMMIT! No. So buh-bye, Gina. That’s the second time Gordon made me think that Bitchy Elise was going home. STOP DOING THAT—unless you’re doing it to torture her, that is. Then by all means, continue.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/26/11

Team Krupa! I HATE ELISE. Of all the friggin' thousands of applicants for Hell's Kitchen, there wasn't a non-bitch black female the selection committee could have chosen? I am so tired perpetuation of the "black bitch" stereotype. Thankfully, she isn't going to win. Gordon clearly doesn't like her (see prior shouting matches), and when she claimed the recipe for that delicious roast chicken was all her idea, it was obvious he knew she was lying -- and we know Gordon does not like liars (see Douche Brendan's fate).

At last! Legitimate reasons to be mad at Ditzy Carrie. She a. couldn't fry ONE PIECE of chicken, and b. then kept insisting it wasn't raw. *eye roll*

Random: Wow. Look how short Elise and Elizabeth were standing next to Gordon. He's my height exactly, 6'2, so they all must be shorties. You know who you need to come stand next to, Gordon? Me. BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, DAMMIT. But I digress.

Ha! Bitchy Elise has picked a fight with THE WRONG ONE. This isn't whiny Ditzy Carrie; this is Sous Chef Andi, bitch! "I'm up here, and you're down here!" Andi snapped, all up in Elise's face. "HELLO?" Andi yelled expectantly. "I heard you," pouted a cowed Elise. God, that was sooooooooo satisfying. You had to smile at that shot of Ditzy Carrie and Krupa wholeheartedly enjoying that.

Dinner Service:
That volleyball player Jen Kessy is 6 ft tall!!!! *happy inside* Surely the ladies will not let my fellow giantess down! Oh -- wait. Here comes Bitchy Elise to screw up the scallops. Remind me why she has such a big ego?

Monterray's showdown with Sous Chef Scott wasn't as fun as Elise vs Andi. I guess cuz I don't hate Monterray. So though he was clearly in the wrong, I just wanted it to be over. And then I got worried that he was going home ... until Chino started screwing up, that is. Wow. Dude made mistake after mistake after mistake, then got the blue team sent off. He's so going home. Meanwhile, Elise screwed up AGAIN (Remind me why she has such a big ego?), and Gina got the red team sent off. And I gotta say, after Gina was so mean to Ditzy Carrie (Yes, Carrie screwed up the chicken, but Gina was mean to her even before that), it was nice to watch her eat some crow.

Natalie irritated me with her stupid girly tears, and LOL at Chino saying "exasperate" instead of "exacerbate."

Elimination:
HA HA HA HA HA *choke* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LOL ROFL! I almost bloody died laughing when Elise thought her team wanted Carrie gone -- then they (almost) all voted for her. That even topped Elise getting Andi-fied! *still laughing* I actually raised my arms in triumph when Gordon called her name, but I shoulda known better. After all, it was only her first time on the carpet, but Chino's third. Buh-bye, Chino. *still laughing*