Project Runway, 10/27/11

Josh, OF COURSE, is angry that Anya is still in it. Which speaks volumes about how confident he is in his ability to beat her.

Tim announces that everyone’s getting an unexpected $500 to spend at Mood however they please. Kimberly is changing the color of her ugly bubble skirt, but keeping the bubble shape, cuz she likes it. :( Anya’s making three whole new pieces. Viktor’s making a couple new pieces. JOSHUA HAS LOST HIS COTTON PICKING MARBLES. He has a fugly lime green fabric and he’s making shorts. He has orange-and-pink fabric and he’s making a tank top.
Oh, and he wants to also make a matching jacket in the fug lime green. I am loving it, because surely this messedy mess is going to get him sent home faster than you can say “Good riddance.” Arrrrgh, and then he cries. *annoyed* Tim visits! Kimberly is lost. Anya gives a farewell speech. Viktor has edited. Joshua’s green shorts look “really peculiar.”


Kimberly’s collection was just ok. Joshua’s was so mind bogglingly ugly it gave me throbbing brain ache. I didn’t like Viktor’s. –gasp– Oooooooooooh, love, love, superlove Anya’s. Every last piece. It looks so comfortable and effortless and vacationy! (And Jennifer Love Hewitt and Stephanie Winston Wolkoff agree with me.)

Well, if this is anything like last year, Anya will be eliminated first, and Joshua will win. :(

The judges praise Kimberly for taking their advice to heart while staying true to her “urban girl” theme. Michael Kors even calls one look “killer diller.” (OMG I AM STEALING THAT!) Her bubble skirt was again called out, though. Unsurprisingly, the judges liked Joshua’s clothes. *screams a scream of pure fury* No. I just can’t. Moving the hell on. The judges all love Viktor’s prints, but with the other pieces have the same problem I had: too much transparency/visible underclothes. Seriously, it was like the models forgot to put on their shirt/pants. Anya’s collection gets mostly praise and non-criticism like “the necklines are very similar,” “I can’t wear that in this city” and “you didn’t have as much to do construction-wise.” In other words, the judges are having to search very hard to find stuff to hate on.


I fast forward past the judges’ deliberation. I need to know right away if I’m about to be Gretchened two years in a row. Kimberly is sent home first. Well, the “first black person to win Project Runway” title is still yours to claim, future black winner! Then Viktor is sent off. So it’s down to Joshua and Anya. I’m not even going to get my hopes up. I’m not. In fact, let me just go ahead and start congratulating Joshu —

ANYA WINS! Yaaaaay omg yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay zomg YAY *skipping around* yay woot! This is killer diller!

Project Runway, 10/20/11

Part one of the finale, in which Tim Gunn gets all up in the designers’ biz, yo. This shall be short and sweet, cuz 1. next week’s will be pretty long-winded and 2. there’s never much to say about part one of the finale. It always feels so in-betweeny. Someone will have his or her dreams crushed, and then Fashion Week for the final three! Let’s get to it.

They never show you enough of the clothes during the Tim Visits to get a good idea of what the collection ultimately will look like. I like the Tim Visits just cuz we get to get all up in the designers’ biz. Like, see their homes and families and pix of them when they were kids. I’m nosy — I mean, curious, so I enjoy that.

Kim lost her mom, bro, and stepdad, you’ll recall, so I’m glad to see her surrounded by friends and a sister and an adorable little niece. She says she hopes to win to honor her mom and cuz she’d be proud to be the first African American to win Project Runway. MAKE HISTORY, GIRLFRIEND!!!!! Anya talks about how her brother Pilar who died at 18 inspires her. She hasn’t actually made any clothes yet, which worries Tim greatly, but we all know Anya’s a good last-minuter. Her fabrics are quite pretty. Speaking of pretty, oh my god. What I saw of Trinidad & Tobago was goooooorgeous. I’m not at all big on traveling, but I MUST VISIT THERE.

Viktor is calling his collection “Urban Coast.” Serving as his inspiration are pictures he took while in Guadalajara for the anniversary of his brother’s death. (Jesus! :( THREE dead brothers.) Joshua has 507 garish fabrics. Tim says it’s gimmicky, says one dress in particular makes him want to weep, asks where’s the sex, says there’s too much happening. After what Joshua’s been putting out all season, that’s pretty much exactly how I was expecting his Tim Visit to go.

Everyone arrives in NY. Tim tells them to select three pieces to show. I liked Viktor’s and Anya’s, and I hated Josh’s and (this hurts!!!) Kimberly’s. :( :( :( :( And the person going home is … Anya. Dammit, that means Josh and Viktor are in the finale — but also that history could potentially be made. Go Kimberly! Oh -- and go Anya, too! She wasn't sent home. All four are showing at Fashion Week. YAY! This ups the chances that Viktor or Josh will lose. Please let them lose.

Project Runway 10/13/11

Warning: this recap contains a brief but intense freak-out, for my girl crush’s matchless, inimitable beauty does strange things to my brain. I apologize in advance.

Usually I don’t bother with the show-opening conversations had in the apartments, but Josh and Viktor pissed me off so much that I must vent. First Josh starts off talking about how it took a while to get to know Bert. Yes. Because you’re an insufferable jerk, and you decided for no reason on day one that you didn’t like him. Then Viktor says Bert should have lasted longer than Kimberly. Sure. Because someone who can beat your dress that took two days with her dress that took three hours has no talent whatsoever. Then Josh disses Anya’s entire body of work. Yes. Because those pants he made in the 70s challenge are simply the best thing fashion’s ever seen. EYE ROLL.

The final five head off to Governor’s Island, where Tim instructs them that, using the art on the island as a muse, they must create three pieces. Three DIFFERENT pieces, he specifies. Everyone hops in golf carts and speeds off. Kimberly and Anya are inspired by an art piece. Josh has a brother off serving his country, so Josh is inspired by the “artillerary.” I guess when your ego is as big as his, you feel it’s ok if you create a nonsense word by combining “military” and “artillery.” Laura Kathleen is inspired by circles, Viktor by structure and silhouette.

At Mood, Laura Kathleen decides it has been entirely too long since she reminded us that SHE IS RICH and busts out “When it comes to spending money, I like the finer things in life.” I mean, it’s as if she, Viktor, and Joshua had a meeting in which they discussed ways to remind me why I hate them.


Tim enters. UH OH. With the button bag. Re-UH OH! He announces that they are going to get assistants. Let me guess: former contestants? Yep. Kimberly chooses Becky. Viktor chooses Olivier, who hates fat people. Laura Kathleen chooses Anthony Ryan. Anya chooses Bert, leaving Joshua with Bryce … who’s not looking forward to it because Josh is “controlling.” Yeah, and pretty infantile, too. Jealous that she won the $20k last challenge (and probably still mad that she didn’t decrease her chances of winning by giving him fabric), Josh simply will not stop bashing Anya about dumb stuff like the fact that she’s a beauty queen and made-up stuff like her work shows no range. At one point, Bryce even (meekly) tells him to let it go. Kimberly is giving a repeat performance of last episode, flustered and unsure of what to do. Laura Kathleen is doing the same — then she cries (AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!) tears of self-importance because she just knows she is destined to go to fashion week. Bert and Anya are getting along famously. Olivier, who hates fat people, complains that he is slave labor. Ugh. I can’t believe I was so crazy about him. Tool.


Runway! Please please pleaseness, let two of my three hated jerks go home. Oh — but first:

AAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! There she is! It’s my girl crush, Zoe Saldana! I die! I come back to life! I re-die! She’s sooooooooooooooo prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m twitching! I’m squealing! I’m not worthy! Just, omg, like, look at her! HEY! I SAID LOOK AT HER, DAMMIT! AND THEN FALL TO YOUR KNEES IN REVERENTIAL WORSHIP!

*calming down*


Ok. Runway!

I hate Joshua’s looks. Well — the little white dress isn’t bad. But those other two? I can’t even … they just … NO. And I’m not hating, because when that poofy skirt outfit hit the runway, Joshua himself said “It looks so big. It’s not flattering. But, fake it til you make it.” See? It sucks. Michael Kors called it a “ra-ra skirt.” Yes! That’s it! It’s a bad cheerleader costume. My Zoe says the gown looks like the Statue of Liberty; all the judges dislike his shiny, glittery fabric.


I love Kimberly’s looks. I know it’s sounding like I’m letting how I feel about the designers decide what I like/dislike, but I swear I’m not. Note that the judges are agreeing with me. My Zoe says, “All in all, wow.” MK says the coat needs tailoring, but the gray dress is her strongest piece. Heidi says the looks aren’t very cohesive, but she likes the fabric and the gray dress.



I hate Laura Kathleen’s looks. (I’m not doing this on purpose.) The looks really suck, and I can't believe that mess is what she came up with by being inspired by circles. She cries AGAIN about how badly she wants to go to fashion week. Nobody is moved. Well, I am … to beat her in the face with a hammer. Heidi likes the gown (WHY?), hates the skirt, and feels that the dress doesn’t match the other two pieces. Nina and MK say almost the same thing. My Zoe says the dress looks like a pillowcase with black tape tied around it. Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!


I love Anya’s. (I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!) Nina says the looks are modern and actually look like a cohesive collection. Heidi says the white dress looks a bit like a sheet but loves the black dress. MK says the looks are sophisticated and Anya understands women’s bodies. (Lol at Joshua looking mad and jealous.) My Zoe likes the cuts and says the looks have a futuristic tone … and that she’s a sci fi buff. LIKE ME. I LOVE HER.


I truly like Viktor’s. Oh, pick your jaw up off the floor. I still hate him. Heidi likes them too, but says nothing is wowing her. Nina loves them but says it lacks oomph and is a bit too secretarial. My Zoe says she likes the secretary look, finds a few flaws. MK says it’s a very commercial collection that would actually sell, but the volume needs to be turned up.


Wow. I think that’s the first time my opinions have ever dovetailed so perfectly with the judges’.

Joshua shocks the eff out of me by saying he’d take Viktor … and Anya to fashion week with him. Kimberly says Anya and Laura Kathleen. Anya (who almost starts crying but stops, thank God), says Viktor and Josh. Laura Kathleen (who starts sobbing — KNOCK. IT. OFF.), Viktor and Anya. Viktor, Anya and Josh.

Nobody said Kimberly. :( Haters.

Anya (YAY!), Viktor, and Joshua (DAMMIT!) are safe. Laura Kathleen and Kimberly are in the bottom. Since LK’s looks were so atroshe (that’s my new word), I wasn’t even worried. Suck it, haters! Bye, LK! Your great wealth couldn’t save you.

And now, I leave you with several images of THE MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN ON THE PLANET:

Project Runway, 9/22/11

How cool. The designers will be creating for an unsigned band a look to be worn for a Rolling Stones photo shoot. So basically, they’re helping to create the look that will introduce the band to the masses. Nice. The four guys (Guys? But that means menswear! Panic!) of the band Sheepdogs come in and play for everyone a song which I totally liked, and during which the delicate flower that is Olivier (LOVE) repeatedly cringed because the music is so loud. That must mean he hates concerts! Me too! High five. Team Harmony: Bert, Laura Kathleen, Anya, and Anthony Ryan. Team Untitled: Olivier (LOVE), Viktor, Kimberly, and Joshua. Tim instructs them that everyone must make an outfit for one guy in the band, but the looks don’t have to be cohesive. Which I’m glad to hear, cuz whenever this group has had to make a collection, it generally hasn't gone very well.


Ewan, the lead singer, says the band’s into “boots, jeans, denim, suede.” Sam, the drummer, asks for a caftain/dashiki sort of top. I love dashikis. Ryan, bass player, doesn’t make any specific requests — but he doesn’t have to, because his supremely bad ass boots ARE SPEAKING VOLUMES. I want to make out with him and play with his beautiful hair. Joshua: “The moment I saw these snakeskin cowboy boots, I was like, ‘I want that one!’” BACK OFF, BITCH. Leot, lead guitar, says he’s been looking for red bell bottom jeans or corduroy “forever.” I love corduroy. The Sheepdogs’ fashion sense and music rule.

Alas. This is when the episode takes a sad, sad turn for me, and I begin to stop loving Olivier. :(

Remember last week, when Olivier was all “I hate breasts,” and I was all, “THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORK IN MENSWEAR”? Um … that’s what he does. “I’m a menswear designer.” So, oops. (But still. It’s Project Runway, not Project Runway: Menswear. Get over it.) But just as I’m trying move past Boob Disgust, he starts in with Fat Hatred. “I think I’m sort of at a disadvantage because menswear is all about detail and fitting and proportion — and I got the biggest guy.” Olivier, please stop it. There are levels of fatness: 1. skinny, 2. a few pounds overweight, 3. fat, and 4. OH MY GOD YOU’RE A WHALE. Ewan’s a 2, not a 4. So knock it off.

Off to Mood! Where Viktor annoys me by getting blue denim because he can’t find the red denim Leot requested. Really, Viktor? It’s not blue denim that he’s been looking for “forever.” Laura Kathleen, also designing for Leot, makes the much smarter and also DUH-obvious move of buying denim and some red dye. Back in the workroom, Olivier is fret fret fretting about how Ewan is bigger than the mannequin. Ok, this is getting super old, super fast. Anya: “In real life, you’re gonna fit and have to make clothes for people who aren’t the same size as the mannequin. And this is just the reality” THANK YOU, ANYA.


During the consults, all the band members pretty much seemed to be mostly happy with what was being created for them except poor Ewan. Bert is making him women’s clothing in strange shades of purple. Lol. Olivier is using “a flowery pattern with swans on it.” Ewan hates both. Like, a lot.

Then Olivier is just FLAT OUT RUDE. :(
- Olivier: “Because he’s visually bigger on stage, so I don’t want to put a lot of things on him to make him ever bigger.”
- Ewan: “So you’re saying I’m a big man.”
- Olivier: “You’re big.”
Aawkward silence. Ewan just stares. Tim looks hella uncomfortable.


THEN IT CONTINUES. :(
- Tim: “Can you finish these up before the fitting?”
- Olivier: “That’s my concern, because Ewan is bigger than the mannequin.”
- Tim: “But this is an issue that every fashion designer faces. You need seam allowance. You have Ewan’s measurements.”
- Olivier: “I have all his measurements; it’s just sometimes it’s hard—” (Thankfully, Tim cuts him off before he can call Ewan fat again.)
- Tim: “But that shouldn’t make any difference. Just move forward.”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. :(
- Olivier: “You don’t feel that passionate when you’re designing for something that you don’t really care for. I never really thought of making things for plus-sized people — you can say I’m ignorant — because I’m always used to dress model size.”
Yes, you are quite ignorant! And for the love of god, EWAN ISN’T EVEN FAT, YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLY INSENSITIVE, NORMAL-SIZED-PEOPLE-HATING LOUT! Olivier love officially revoked. He is now in the please-don’t-win category with Joshua and Laura Kathleen. Team Anya or Anthony Ryan!


Since Ewan didn’t like the purple, Bert is re-re-re-dying the fabric to make it the right color, "to make him feel comfortable.” But Olivier, of a completely different mindset, is all “I don’t know if he’s going to be happy, but he’ll look good.” *sigh* During the fittings, Olivier’s pants look like crap on Ewan. Olivier gets a stern talking-to from Tim. Joshua: “All Olivier’s been doing the whole challenge is complaining about how much bigger Ewan is and that the form doesn’t fit. But any good flat pattern maker would’ve been able to have something other than some sloppy pair of pants.” THANK YOU, JOSHUA.


Eeeeeeeeeeeee eee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Omg! Adam Lambert is the guest judge! Adam, you don’t understand how much I love your music!! “Sleepwalker” and “Aftermath” are amaaaaaaaaaaaazing! Come give me a hug! Dammit, HUG MEEEEEEE!

*calms down*


Team Harmony’s look is too literal and very expected. Their theme was “a modern Jimi Hendrix,” but Michael Kors says the looks lack Jimi’s swagger. Agree. Heidi and Adam like Laura Kathleen’s outfit. I love those red pants. Michel Kors and Nina hate the tie-dye shirt and jacket. Agree. Bert’s trippy-cool 70s look for Ewan is a hit. Anya’s pants for Sam are well made, but the shirt is aaaaawful, and the overall look is too Pocahontas and “reggae Jesus.” (Michael Kors’ zingers keep cracking Adam up. Adam’s laugh is so stupid cute that I hug my tv.) Anthony Ryan’s sleeveless shirt and sleek pants for Ryan is my fave look of the four, but the judges did not like it. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.


Team Untitled also has hits and misses. Their theme was Western — which to me makes ZERO sense for a rock band, but whatevs. Olivier’s look for Ewan is, of course, terrible. It's “boring” and “boxy” and “almost too feminine” — AND OLIVIER EFFING CALLS EWAN FAT AGAIN. I actually yell, "Shut up!" Kudos to Ewan who, when asked how he felt about the clothes, started with "I appreciate all the work that went into this..." After being called fat 76 times and being forced to wear that hideousness, I certainly could not have been so diplomatic. Kimberly pulled an Anya and made for Sam awesome pants but a fugly shirt, which the judges detest. They have a collective happy-fit over the expertly tailored jacket and jeans Viktor made for Leot but do not like the shirt. Ryan likes the outfit Joshua made for him, from the wacky jacket and shirt to the white pants with their please-look-at-my-crotch zipper. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.

Well, despite not making Leot red pants, Viktor wins. Leot wears the outfit for the photo shoot — everybody else changed clothes, lol — and yep, he looks good. And you know he totally kept those awesome red bell bottoms Laura Kathleen made for him and rocks them once a week. Kimberly and Olivier are in the bottom. Kimberly? She and Anya both made good pants but bad shirt, and while Kimberly’s shirt was pretty bad, Anya’s was aaaaawful. But it doesn’t matter; Olivier is the one sent home. YAY! The judges (rightfully) felt that a menswear designer should have done much better. And Olivier totally could have. But he refused. Because Ewan is “fat.” With fat-people hatred is that intense, I don’t understand why he didn’t ask someone on his team to switch band members with him.

I find it astonishing that just because he didn’t want to design for a “fat” person, Olivier simply gave up, made shitty clothes, got himself eliminated, and missed out on the chance win ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. Unbelievably prejudiced moron.

Project Runway, 8/11/11

11-ft-tall Heidi asks, “How’s everything going down there?” and I make a mental note to work that into the conversation next time somebody makes a dumb comment about my height. Wonder how long it took her to master stilt-walking? She was pretty damn good. Ooooooooh, the first team challenge! Some partners will love each other and produce pretty clothes, some will hate each other and produce ugly clothes, and some will love each other and yet still manage to make ugly clothes, lol.


Quote time!!! Fallene: I’m not settling for all black. We’re not creating a fricking gothic stilt-walker.” Good call. I can hear Michael Kors now: “She looks like a witch on growth hormone! She looks like she’s going to Gulliver’s funeral!” Plus, we all remember how overreliance on black got April sent home last season. Olivier (LOVE): “I think when it comes to a group challenge, it’s not about how brilliant, or how amazing you can do it by yourself; it’s much more about the collaboration and communication between the two people.” Dear Project Runway: please print that, laminate it, and pass it out every season from now on to all designers for the first team challenge. Dear Olivier (LOVE): we’re three episodes in, so PLEASE finally make something I actually like. Bryce: (horrified tone) “She didn’t know how to cut it on grain.” (smug tone) “It’s just the difference of being self taught and going to school.” Wow. It was Fallene, may I remind you, you backstabbing condescending pompous ass, who had the sense not to make a gothic stilt-walker, not you.


Oh my weeping god. Kim Kardashian? Really? The vapid useless brainless famewhore star of homemade porn? Really, Project Runway? REALLY? Wait—maybe this was by design. Why waste a qualified guest on judging stilt-walker outfits? This episode isn’t really about actual fashion; it, like that episode in season four when everyone had to design an outfit for a female wrestler, is about stretching the designers to their creative limits. Anybody can simply pick the prettiest/ugliest outfit, even vapid useless brainless famewhore stars of homemade porn. Clever, Project Runway. Clever! Hold the phone, stop the presses, and alert the media—I actually like Olivier (LOVE)’s look! But I don’t know how much of that was due to Anya’s influence, so I shall have to wait until next week—which will make it a solid month!!—to see if he’ll make something I like.


Michael Kors (I can’t ever just call him “Michael.” It doesn’t feel right.) totally said what I was thinking the entire episode: “If you scaled it down and she wasn’t on stilts, would it still be fabulous?” Exactly. Just because the models are exaggeratedly tall doesn’t mean you can dress them crappily and get away with it. As Josh pointed out, costumes (black swan, matador, mismatched curtains) were in the bottom; ready-to-wear looks (chiffon blouse-pant, red gown, jacket-pant) were in the top. My fave look was the jacket and pant on the tattooed model. The two pieces matched perfectly, that one shoulder jacket was tres chic, and nice tattoos make me happy. Heh. Alas, here comes Laura Kathleen and her red gown to steal my joy. Well, congrats on the win, LK. See? Magic happens when you don’t say anything stupid/brag about your family’s wealth.


I admit it: I liked the matador outfit! Yes, it was totally a costume, but I liked that cape jacket, those pants were snazzy, and, as MK pointed out, the clothes were very well made. Ok, it’s down to Bryce/Fallene’s black swan or Bert/Viktor’s mismatched curtains. I need to point out that my Heidi has an excellent Bullshit Detector. All last season, she called out the designers (led by Wretched Gretchen) for throwing Chris under the bus; this go-round, she totally saw through Viktor’s lies. But, when it came down to Viktor or Fallene, Fallene had to go. This was the second episode in a row that her look was in the bottom and she didn’t defend it.