Project Runway, 9/29/11

It’s a 70s challenge!

But wait, you exclaim. Didn’t we just do that (sort of) last week? Tim clarifies for us: “Sophisticated 70s inspired. Not vintage, not retro.” And then he gets in a dig at the awfulness the designers made in the previous episode: “We all remember what happened with the last challege — too literal!” Yes we do, and yes it was. :( The winning design of this challenge will be sold on piperlime.com.

Off to Mood! Where somehow, Anya loses her money. A frantic search takes place. YEAH RIGHT. Somebody found that $100, pocketed it, and was out of there before you can say “I’m a thief.” Tim informs Anya she can use whatever $ the others have leftover after making their purchases (that would be all of $11.50 from Anthony Ryan), and muslin, but that’s it.
She starts crying. Arrrrgh. Look, unless it’s over a dying family member, I HATE CRYING. I’m not heartless; I get that having next to no fabric to work with will be hard. But this is your chance to score some extra points. Make Michael Kors trill, “I can’t believe you made that gorgeous dress out of nothing but muslin!” Back in the workroom, though, Anya eventually dries her tears and gets to work with fabric dye and muslin. Do it, girl! And let me say: I LOVE her hand tattoo. I might have to copy that …

Viktor shows why he’s on my Please Don’t Win list: all the other designers are giving Anya what fabric they have left over, but he refuses because “this is a competition, and I want to help her, but I can’t.” JERK.

The next morning, Tim enters — and the designers immediately suspect he’s bringing bad news. He is! They have to make a second look, a one-piece garment. They get only $50 bucks. “Anya, don’t lose that money!” Tim warns her as everyone runs around Mood. Lol. Way ahead of you, Tim. She has it pinned to her shirt. During the walk-through, Tim alerts Laura Kathleen to the fact that Nina questions Laura Kathleen’s taste level. I already knew that. From my recap of the season premiere: “And please note that Laura Kathleen totally rubbed Nina the wrong way.” So we’re what, like, nine episodes in, and Nina still doesn’t like Laura Kathleen’s clothes. Good. Cuz she’s on my Please Don’t Win list, too.

Runway:
I kind of have an eye orgasm when Kimberly’s one-piece pantsuit comes out. Please let her win so I can buy it on piperlime! Well — if it’s got an inseam long enough for a 6’2” giantess, that is. It better come in extra-long, Kimberly. Bert picked a pretty fabric, but underneath it, his model’s shorts showed the bottom third of her ass cheeks. That’s always so annoying to me. Unless you’re going to the beach, or you're prostituting, where the hell could you wear those???? Anya’s $11.50 look is amazing. Hell, it looks better than all the $100 looks (except Kimberly's pantsuit). I will be quite happy if Anya, Kimberly, or Anthony Ryan wins. Joshua, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen are on my … well, you know by now.


Kimberly is safe; she didn’t win. BUT I WANTED THAT JUMPSUIT. :( Laura Kathleen is in the bottom. The fabric of her shirt and skirt don’t match, and her one-piece is blah boring. Viktor is in the top. I like his jacket, but not his dress or pants. Nobody likes Joshua’s looks. How could they? My god, THOSE PANTS!!! :( His stuff is bad, bad, bad, and he gets mad at Heidi when she tells him so. *eye roll* Anya’s looks are a hit. YAY! And her severely limited budget adds to the impressiveness. Anthony Ryan’s looks are “hippie sister wives.” Eek. Bert’s go over well, though Nina says she’d wear the top with something other than those shorts. Lol.



The designers leave the runway so the judges can deliberate, and Joshua gets on everybody’s nerves by blaming his crappedy fug on the fact that he didn’t live through the 70s. Um … like practically nobody in that room did except for Bert, yet they for the most part managed to get it right, Josh. Just admit you made bad clothes.

Anya wins! Yaaaaaaaay! See what happens when you stop wasting time crying and get down to biz? You go, girl. Bert's dress is so cute that it’s going to be sold, too. I liked that. After all, he lived through this era. Joshua and Anthony Ryan are the bottom two. I hold my breath … DAMMIT. Anthony Ryan goes home. :( Stay awesome, Anthony Ryan.

And now, to piperlime to check the price of Anya’s clothes … and the inseams.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/28/11

Quickfire
For this challenge, guest-judged by the VERY cute Jordan Khan, the chefs have to incorporate a root vegetable into a dessert. Gross. Rebecca, who knows nada about root veggies, says “I’m sick to my stomach nervous.” Well I'm sick to my stomach, period. I get that the contestants’ creativity has to be tested, but this is very much not going to be as fun as the make-your-own-candy-bar Quickfire. I hate, hate, HATE the combination of savory and sweet. I HATE IT.

The chefs get their harvest on and dig up:
- Carlos: celery root
- Chris: jicama
- Orlando: radish
- Hot Matthew: parsnip
- Rebecca: potato
- Katzie: turnip
- Megan: something unidentifiable. Poor thing, she just stares at it. “It’s a burdock root,” Gail informs her. Megan is still clueless (as am I). “A what?” she asks, mystified. “A burdock root,” Gail says more slowly. I’m now rooting for Megan to win this, since she unearthed the weird one that the Top Chef Just Desserts peeps clearly included only so they could sound fancy.
- Sally: turmeric


As all the chefs stand there looking like they’d rather hurl their veggies through a window than cook with them — Seriously. They’re grimacing and frowning, lol. — Gail reveals the reason for the difficulty of the challenge: winner gets immunity … and $5,000. Suddenly, root veggies are celebrated and much loved. Whatever. This is still going to be YUCK, from start to finish.

- Rebecca’s inspiration was eating a Frosty with French fries from Wendy's. (I immediately gag. This is a battle I have fought with friends for years. That combination of foods is EFFING DISGUSTING. This episode is seriously grossing me out.) She made shoestring fried potatoes with chocolate sauce and malted ice cream. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. Then inexplicably, she says “I can’t cook to save my life.” Huh? We know she means savory foods and not desserts, but still. Gail: “You shouldn’t say that on national television. On a cooking show.” Yeah, DUH, Rebecca. (Katzie silently LOLs.)

- Megan made a burdock root-five spice fritter with candied burdock root compote. Now, that actually sounds edible. And very inventive, for unlike Rebecca, Megan didn’t just put the veg on a plate and add chocolate. *shudder* I’m still Team Katzie, since Katzie won the Willie Wonka challenge, but Megs is growing on me.


- Katzie made soy milk panna cotta with mascarpone cream, caramel honey, turnip chips, almonds, and honey and orange blossoms. (Ugh. Katzie is one of those people who say “carr-mel” instead of “care-uh-mel.” Ugh.) I thought it looked edible; Sally says it looks like “a melty blob on the plate.” Sally has really been hating on Katzie ever since the Willie Wonka win.
- Chris gets eliminated when he puts his fried jicama on the plate in front of the judges, since that counts as cooking after time was called. Poor guy, out of the running for $5K. (I’m food-greedy, so I still would have at least tasted his dish if I were the judges. I’m also money-greedy, so I would have pitched a bitch-fit if I were Chris.)
- Carlos made celery root in three textures: frozen celery root granita, pickled celery root, and celery root chips with peanut butter pudding. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING.
- Hot Matthew made a caramelized parsnip cake with banana puree. Sounds edible. (Yay! Hot Matthew says “care-uh-mel-ized” instead of “carr-mel-ized.” Yay!)
- Sally made a mango pudding with turmeric topped with curry popcorn, pine nuts, and Thai basil. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. And if you ask me, hers looks like a melty blob too, but in orange.
- Orlando made a peach and radish crumble with vanilla bean sherbet. Edible.

Rebecca and Carlos are in the bottom. Hot Matthew and Sally are on the top. (Megan got robbed!) Sally’s orange blob wins. Whatever. I wouldn’t eat ANY of that crap. This challenge was the opposite of delicious. Moving on.


Elimination:
Gail is joined by the Beastie Boys’ Ad Rock. COOL! But then, YUCK again. The chefs have to choose from foods mentioned in BB songs and use two in a dessert. Orlando: “What the f*ck are we going to do with all this shit.” Exactly, my brother. Exactly. Then, everyone has to pick a third ingredient for someone else. “A bit of sabotage,” says Ad Rock. (I see what he did there!)

- Megan selects whiskey and brass monkey. Katzie gives her onions.
- Hot Matthew selects whiskey and cornbread. Chris gives him potatoes and gravy — then worries that that might send his friend home. If it does, I’ll kill you, Chris.
- Carlos selects popcorn and bacon. Sally gives him cucumber.
- Chris selects pizza and pork & beans. Megan gives him ravioli.
- Sally selects cheddar cheese and prosciutto. Carlos gives her chicken.
- Katzie selects butter and fries. Orlando gives her gorgonzola and provolone.
- Orlando selects coffee & cream and rum. Hot Matthew gives him peas.
- Rebecca selects a 40 ounce and some ham. (Aka, breakfast in the ghetto.) Sally gives her falafel.

Gross nasty gross nasty YUCK. :( This episode is like the nightmare bizzaro offspring of Top Chef and Top Chef Just Desserts. I know, I KNOW: it’s forcing the contestants to step outside of their comfort zone. That doesn’t make it any less gross. Let’s skip to the judging so we can be done with this disgusting unappetizingness, shall we? I’m sorry, but savory+sweet is severely gross to me, and I just don’t care. :(

-- fast forwarding --

Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca are in the bottom. Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally are in the top. And I just want to call attention to this exchange:
- Chris (uber-relieved): “I’m going to go throw up now.”
- Gail: “You are not allowed to throw up, because you did not eat what we ate.”
WELL IF YOU DON’T WANT VOMIT-INDUCING NASTINESS, THEN DON’T MAKE THE CHEFS COOK DESSERTS WITH GORGONZOLA, ONIONS, AND FALAFEL! IN THE FUTURE, IF YOU WANT THEM TO STEP OUTSIDE OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE, MAKE THEM USE NEW COOKING TECHNIQUES OR WORK ONE HANDED OR SOMETHING! YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT! GOT THAT?

-- fast forwarding --

Hot Matthew wins. Wow! With whiskey, cornbread, potatoes, and gravy??? Impressive. Very, very impressive, Hot Matthew. (I don’t have to kill you, Chris.)

-- fast forwarding --

Rebecca gets sent home.

Let’s do better next week, Top Chef Just Desserts. Not that you can do worse.

Terra Nova, 9/26/11

Verdict: I’m hooked.

Hour One:

No slow build-up here. The drama starts right away. In 2149, police officer Jim Shannon is arrested and imprisoned after the discovery of his illegal third child. After all, “Family is Four!” scream the billboards, and he and wife Dr. Elizabeth Shannon already have two kids, Josh and Maddy. Two years later, Elizabeth gets the call: she’s been selected to make the one-way trip 85 million years backward to Terra Nova (TN)! Well … if she leaves that pesky third child behind, that is. So she does what anyone would do: breaks her husband out of prison, sneaks him into the TN-bound group, and smuggles third child along in a backpack. (Yes, in real life it would have been much harder. Hush.)


The contrast of TN earth to 2149 earth is quite dramatic. Bye bye dirty, rotting metropolis; we’re now in a verdant, sunny paradise (where allosaurs often trip the sonic mines). Commander Nathaniel Taylor gives a sweeping welcome speech to the large crowd of newcomers, then meets with Jim to let him know that while Taylor doesn’t really care about population control laws from 85 million years in the future, he’s still got half a mind to throw Jim outside of the fence and let him go play with the allosaurs. Jim counters that he’s a cop and could probably be of good use, but Taylor assigns him to agricultural detail. Which would be like if a chef bragged to you about his awesome cooking skills and you assign him to dishwashing detail. But Jim, just happy to no longer be making license plates, cheerfully accepts. As Jim walks away, Taylor growls. He did! I rewound it three times. He growled. LOL! I like Taylor.


A hot young soldier leads the Shannons to their new home. As they settle in, Josh goes all teen angst on us (He’s mad at Jim for having gone to prison.); then we get our first glimpse of dinosaurs when little third child — ok, ok — when little Zoe wanders off into the backyard and happens upon a herd of brontosaurs chowing down on some treetops. They can easily reach over the fence with their long necks, so Zoe feeds one. “Mommy, can we keep it?” No, Zoe didn’t say that. I did.

The next day, Elizabeth starts doctoring, Jim starts weeding (as Taylor keeps a close eye on him from afar), Maddy and Zoe go to orientation, and Josh skips orientation to wander around. He bumps into Skye.
Who we immediately know is going to be trouble. She leads him to a house inhabited by 16-year-old kids. (One is Max, played by Eka Darville, whom I’ve had a crush on since season one of Spartacus, so PLEASE don’t let him be a throw-away character who’s going to die in like episode two.) Apparently a house full of kids is normal in TN. They all have jobs, you see. I still don’t get it, but whatevs. Josh and the kids head OTG (outside the gate). Wait — really? I mean, I know I’m exactly twice as old as this bunch, but still. Even at 16, running around unprotected in a DINOSAUR-FILLED forest would very much not have been my idea of a good time. In the forest, Skye strips to a skimpy bikini to go swimming, shows Josh a bunch of strange markings on rocks, and makes him promise not to tell anyone about them.

Back at camp, that hot young soldier flirts for a bit with Maddy, whose idea of flirting back is describing a brontosaur’s teeth. :(

In the hospital, Elizabeth tends to an unconscious dude who was shot for stealing. FOOLED YOU! He was only fake unconsciousing. Dude grabs Elizabeth, holds a glowing weapon thingy to her throat, gets the guard’s gun, and bolts.
As Dude hurries through the camp, looking all kinds of suspicious, he catches Jim’s eye. Jim, whose policeman’s instincts have not been dulled by his 22 minutes as a farmer, follows Dude — and tackles him just as he pulls the pilfered gun and gets a shot off at Taylor. Taylor, realizing that Jim is more Robocop than Old MacDonald, takes him for a hike during which he explains that Dude is a Sixer: a member of another group on TN. Sixers (who came on the Sixth Pilgrimage) seemed normal at first, but it soon became clear that they had an ulterior motive. They splintered off from the main group and now live in hiding somewhere in the forest (Ok, is NOBODY afraid of the damn dinosuars?!?!). No one knows who sent them or why.
Taylor leads Jim to where they can look down over TN (great view, complete with pterodactyl soaring overhead), tells him that this new beginning is what they’re fighting for, and offers him a job on the security team. Jim accepts. Agriculture detail crew: “We didn’t like you anyway!”


Hour Two:

Taylor and Jim see Sixers speeding toward TN and race to their own vehicle to stop them. The Sixers are busy firing at a rampaging carnitaurus. “I hate carnitaurus,” Taylor says — then he jumps out of the vehicle and by himself armed with only a gun distracts the carno long enough for everyone including the Sixers to get safely inside the gate.

Taylor’s level of bad-assery: high.


As the dust settles, the leader of the Sixers steps forth. (It’s a chick! A black chick! Yaaaaaaaaaaay, minority females in position of power!!!) Her name is Mira, and she wants to trade meteoric iron (Sixers control the mines, you see, and TNers need its ore) for ammo, meds, and Dude, whose name is Carter. She says they know Carters’s locked up in the brig because they have spies inside TN. (Ooooh! A MOLE! Who is it? Who’s the dirty mole????) Taylor says she can have meds and Carter but no ammo.

Out in the forest, Josh and the kids … are making moonshine. *sigh* Really? 85 million years in the past, and they’re recycling such present-day problems as underage drinking. You’d think they’d be into something still stupid but waaaaaaaaay cooler. Like trying to catch, tame, and ride pterodactyls, which is what I’d be doing. Skye scores points with me cuz she refuses the moonshine when Josh offers her some. Alcohol sucks.

Taylor and Elizabeth chat in the hospital. We learn that Taylor had a son who came to TN as part of the Second Pilgrimage but went missing a few years ago.


Out in the forest, the Sixers are on their way back to their base when they come across the kids’ abandoned vehicle. Two stop to strip it of its power cells. They’re attacked by a hungry slasher; it kills one of them, wounds the other. Back at camp, Taylor et. al realize the kids sneaked out and head out after them. The kids arrive at their vehicle, find it dead, see a Sixer vehicle a few feet away. The others are afraid, but Skye fearlessly heads right on over, and she also recognizes the wounded Sixer inside. (Is Skye is the mole?) She then tells Josh how to slow the Sixer’s heavy bleeding, rattles off facts about the slashers’ preferred hunting methods, AND tells Josh to shoot at them in short bursts to control his ammo. This ain’t no ordinary random 16-yr-old girl, y’all. Sadly, Tasha, the other 16-yr-old girl, is ordinary, and she freaks completely out, leaves the safety of the vehicle, and goes off running through the slashers-filled forest.

Back at TN, the hot soldier, apparently a fan of chicks who know a lot about brontosaur teeth, stops by to ask Maddy if she’s ok.

Out in the forest, the search party runs into a bleeding and in-shock Tasha and figures out which direction she came from. Back in the vehicle, Skye tells Josh she’s an orphan. Then a slasher breaks in and pulls a kid out by the leg, Skye runs out of ammo, Max gets wounded (DAMMIT!); then just as they’re all about to be slasher snacks, the search party finds them. The wounded Sixer has bled to death.


Safely back at TN, Skye tells Taylor how sorry she is. (And I know everyone was glad to find the kids alive, but I still would like to see them get in way more trouble than they did.) Taylor asks Skye if they went anywhere near the falls. She lies and says no. Cut to: Mira and Carter are at the waterfall; they see the kids’ footprints. Mira says Taylor won’t like that. Carter asks why Taylor doesn’t just have the rocks blasted to rubble, and Mira says because the markings on the rocks are Taylor’s only connection to his son. *gasp* It’s Taylor’s "missing" kid scribbling on the rocks! According to Mira, he does it “to remind Taylor of the real reason for Terra Nova’s existence: control the past, control the future.” OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!

Project Runway, 9/22/11

How cool. The designers will be creating for an unsigned band a look to be worn for a Rolling Stones photo shoot. So basically, they’re helping to create the look that will introduce the band to the masses. Nice. The four guys (Guys? But that means menswear! Panic!) of the band Sheepdogs come in and play for everyone a song which I totally liked, and during which the delicate flower that is Olivier (LOVE) repeatedly cringed because the music is so loud. That must mean he hates concerts! Me too! High five. Team Harmony: Bert, Laura Kathleen, Anya, and Anthony Ryan. Team Untitled: Olivier (LOVE), Viktor, Kimberly, and Joshua. Tim instructs them that everyone must make an outfit for one guy in the band, but the looks don’t have to be cohesive. Which I’m glad to hear, cuz whenever this group has had to make a collection, it generally hasn't gone very well.


Ewan, the lead singer, says the band’s into “boots, jeans, denim, suede.” Sam, the drummer, asks for a caftain/dashiki sort of top. I love dashikis. Ryan, bass player, doesn’t make any specific requests — but he doesn’t have to, because his supremely bad ass boots ARE SPEAKING VOLUMES. I want to make out with him and play with his beautiful hair. Joshua: “The moment I saw these snakeskin cowboy boots, I was like, ‘I want that one!’” BACK OFF, BITCH. Leot, lead guitar, says he’s been looking for red bell bottom jeans or corduroy “forever.” I love corduroy. The Sheepdogs’ fashion sense and music rule.

Alas. This is when the episode takes a sad, sad turn for me, and I begin to stop loving Olivier. :(

Remember last week, when Olivier was all “I hate breasts,” and I was all, “THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORK IN MENSWEAR”? Um … that’s what he does. “I’m a menswear designer.” So, oops. (But still. It’s Project Runway, not Project Runway: Menswear. Get over it.) But just as I’m trying move past Boob Disgust, he starts in with Fat Hatred. “I think I’m sort of at a disadvantage because menswear is all about detail and fitting and proportion — and I got the biggest guy.” Olivier, please stop it. There are levels of fatness: 1. skinny, 2. a few pounds overweight, 3. fat, and 4. OH MY GOD YOU’RE A WHALE. Ewan’s a 2, not a 4. So knock it off.

Off to Mood! Where Viktor annoys me by getting blue denim because he can’t find the red denim Leot requested. Really, Viktor? It’s not blue denim that he’s been looking for “forever.” Laura Kathleen, also designing for Leot, makes the much smarter and also DUH-obvious move of buying denim and some red dye. Back in the workroom, Olivier is fret fret fretting about how Ewan is bigger than the mannequin. Ok, this is getting super old, super fast. Anya: “In real life, you’re gonna fit and have to make clothes for people who aren’t the same size as the mannequin. And this is just the reality” THANK YOU, ANYA.


During the consults, all the band members pretty much seemed to be mostly happy with what was being created for them except poor Ewan. Bert is making him women’s clothing in strange shades of purple. Lol. Olivier is using “a flowery pattern with swans on it.” Ewan hates both. Like, a lot.

Then Olivier is just FLAT OUT RUDE. :(
- Olivier: “Because he’s visually bigger on stage, so I don’t want to put a lot of things on him to make him ever bigger.”
- Ewan: “So you’re saying I’m a big man.”
- Olivier: “You’re big.”
Aawkward silence. Ewan just stares. Tim looks hella uncomfortable.


THEN IT CONTINUES. :(
- Tim: “Can you finish these up before the fitting?”
- Olivier: “That’s my concern, because Ewan is bigger than the mannequin.”
- Tim: “But this is an issue that every fashion designer faces. You need seam allowance. You have Ewan’s measurements.”
- Olivier: “I have all his measurements; it’s just sometimes it’s hard—” (Thankfully, Tim cuts him off before he can call Ewan fat again.)
- Tim: “But that shouldn’t make any difference. Just move forward.”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. :(
- Olivier: “You don’t feel that passionate when you’re designing for something that you don’t really care for. I never really thought of making things for plus-sized people — you can say I’m ignorant — because I’m always used to dress model size.”
Yes, you are quite ignorant! And for the love of god, EWAN ISN’T EVEN FAT, YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLY INSENSITIVE, NORMAL-SIZED-PEOPLE-HATING LOUT! Olivier love officially revoked. He is now in the please-don’t-win category with Joshua and Laura Kathleen. Team Anya or Anthony Ryan!


Since Ewan didn’t like the purple, Bert is re-re-re-dying the fabric to make it the right color, "to make him feel comfortable.” But Olivier, of a completely different mindset, is all “I don’t know if he’s going to be happy, but he’ll look good.” *sigh* During the fittings, Olivier’s pants look like crap on Ewan. Olivier gets a stern talking-to from Tim. Joshua: “All Olivier’s been doing the whole challenge is complaining about how much bigger Ewan is and that the form doesn’t fit. But any good flat pattern maker would’ve been able to have something other than some sloppy pair of pants.” THANK YOU, JOSHUA.


Eeeeeeeeeeeee eee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Omg! Adam Lambert is the guest judge! Adam, you don’t understand how much I love your music!! “Sleepwalker” and “Aftermath” are amaaaaaaaaaaaazing! Come give me a hug! Dammit, HUG MEEEEEEE!

*calms down*


Team Harmony’s look is too literal and very expected. Their theme was “a modern Jimi Hendrix,” but Michael Kors says the looks lack Jimi’s swagger. Agree. Heidi and Adam like Laura Kathleen’s outfit. I love those red pants. Michel Kors and Nina hate the tie-dye shirt and jacket. Agree. Bert’s trippy-cool 70s look for Ewan is a hit. Anya’s pants for Sam are well made, but the shirt is aaaaawful, and the overall look is too Pocahontas and “reggae Jesus.” (Michael Kors’ zingers keep cracking Adam up. Adam’s laugh is so stupid cute that I hug my tv.) Anthony Ryan’s sleeveless shirt and sleek pants for Ryan is my fave look of the four, but the judges did not like it. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.


Team Untitled also has hits and misses. Their theme was Western — which to me makes ZERO sense for a rock band, but whatevs. Olivier’s look for Ewan is, of course, terrible. It's “boring” and “boxy” and “almost too feminine” — AND OLIVIER EFFING CALLS EWAN FAT AGAIN. I actually yell, "Shut up!" Kudos to Ewan who, when asked how he felt about the clothes, started with "I appreciate all the work that went into this..." After being called fat 76 times and being forced to wear that hideousness, I certainly could not have been so diplomatic. Kimberly pulled an Anya and made for Sam awesome pants but a fugly shirt, which the judges detest. They have a collective happy-fit over the expertly tailored jacket and jeans Viktor made for Leot but do not like the shirt. Ryan likes the outfit Joshua made for him, from the wacky jacket and shirt to the white pants with their please-look-at-my-crotch zipper. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.

Well, despite not making Leot red pants, Viktor wins. Leot wears the outfit for the photo shoot — everybody else changed clothes, lol — and yep, he looks good. And you know he totally kept those awesome red bell bottoms Laura Kathleen made for him and rocks them once a week. Kimberly and Olivier are in the bottom. Kimberly? She and Anya both made good pants but bad shirt, and while Kimberly’s shirt was pretty bad, Anya’s was aaaaawful. But it doesn’t matter; Olivier is the one sent home. YAY! The judges (rightfully) felt that a menswear designer should have done much better. And Olivier totally could have. But he refused. Because Ewan is “fat.” With fat-people hatred is that intense, I don’t understand why he didn’t ask someone on his team to switch band members with him.

I find it astonishing that just because he didn’t want to design for a “fat” person, Olivier simply gave up, made shitty clothes, got himself eliminated, and missed out on the chance win ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. Unbelievably prejudiced moron.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/21/11

Quickfire:
Wait. Can I have another Willie Wonka-themed episode? No? *pouts* Ok, ok.

Quickfire:
Gail and guest judge pastry chef Pichet Ong inform the chefs that they must create a new candy bar. Nice. (I will be assigning Winner In My Book Awards [WIMBAs] to whoever does NOT use nuts. Because I BLOODY EFFING HATE NUTS.) As the chefs rattle off the delicious ingredients and flavor combinations they’re using, I wonder for the 500th time why come every pastry chef is not morbidly obese. Chris says he’s making two candy bars instead of one, and I’m reminded of something Tom Colicchio said once on Top Chef after a contestant made two bad ceviches: don’t do two things mediocrely when you can do one thing well. Yes, I paraphrased that, and no, “mediocrely” is not a word. Omg, surprise niceness! Rebecca, whose arm is still in a cast, is struggling mightily and dropping liquid nitrogen vats all over the place, and Orlando, of all people, helps her finish her candy bar. He comes across as such an insufferably self centered know-it-all that I was pretty shocked by that. Good lookin’ out, Orlando.


- Katzie: brown butter and caramelized banana jasmine curd with dark chocolate and praline crunch
- Carlos: peanut butter crisp with fudge cake and banana pudding covered in chocolate and topped with chocolate pop rocks (WIMBA!)
- Sally: peanut butter, puffed forbidden rice, cocoa nibs, milk chocolate ganache (WIMBA!) Katzie observes that Sally used forbidden rice only cuz she knows Pinchet really likes it. Clever girl, that Sally.
- Hot Matthew: hazelnut feulletine praline with orange vanilla chocolate crème anglaise
- Carlos: blackberry port jam in chocolate ganache (WIMBA!)
- Chris: white chocolate with banana caramel, milk chocolate with chocolate ganache and nuts—and both are delicious and not made mediocrely.

- Amanda: earl gray tea white chocolate ganache with bitter orange caramel in chocolate (WIMBA!) Observation: Amanda looks a lot like Katy Perry.
- Megan: peanuts, peanut butter, butter caramel, ginger, and feulletine in dark chocolate
- Rebecca: granola, panna cotta, orange marmalade in white chocolate (WIMBA!)

Hot Matthew and Katzie are in the bottom; Sally and Rebecca are in the top. Rebecca thanks Orlando for his assistance. Sally wins; she has immunity.

Elimination:
Team challenge. The teams must make refreshing and summery desserts for people at a water park. Prediction time! Some desserts will
#1 melt in the heat
#2 be neither refreshing nor summery
An argument breaks out over who all will use the two ice cream machines when and in what order. Oh hello, prediction #1.

Let us pause for reflection. Why are there only two ice cream machines on a tv show about dessert-making? What if there’s, oh, I don’t know, a summer-desserts challenge? Or an ice cream challenge? This makes no sense to me. I guess the lack of equipment is intentional, so that we can enjoy the drama as it’s-my-turn! squabbles and fights break out. Katzie and Carlos eventually worked it out, but for a second there, it was intense. Well — as intense as pastry chefs can get, that is.


Johnny time! He is worried by Carlos’s dessert. The dessert Katzie is making, it turns out, is inspired by the spumoni at a restaurant whose owners Johnny knows personally. “Uh oh! You better make it good, girl!” laughs Rebecca. Johnny’s impressed that Amanda’s making funnel cake. As Johnny watches, Katzie runs over to save her ice cream, which is spilling out of the machine cuz she forgot to close the door. Day Two: Katzie: “I’m nervous because we’re serving frozen treats at a water park, and heat can always be a problem when it comes to desserts.” Oh hello, prediction #1. Sally admits she has a lesbian crush on Amanda. (Whatever. Show me more of the Hot Matthew-Chris bromance, dammit.)

The chefs head for the water park, and I am LOLed at seeing them in their chef’s coats … over short shorts.

- Chris made passion mixer with ginger fizz. He pours servings through a huge block of ice. It’s boiling hot out, so the judges love that. Johnny: “Well done, chefs.” Dannielle: “It’s hot out here, and this is refreshing.” But then Johnny critiques: “As much as it is acidic and tart, I have a stickiness at the back of my throat now when I’m done, and that’s definitely from the sugar.”
- Orlando made what he’s calling a root beer float-inspired dessert: chocolate vanilla cake brownie in steeped milk with nutmeg and root beer foam. The judges say it ain’t at all summery or refreshing. I completely agree. And hello, prediction #2. Orlando explains that he was trying to get away from the traditional root beer float; Johnny says then he shouldn’t have called it that.
- Hot Matthew makes the judges wait, quite impatiently, as he prepares his take on strawberry shortcake: yellow butter cake, whole milk ice cream, sautéed strawberries, and strawberry jus. Gail says the strawberries should have been cold and fresh instead of hot and cooked.


- Rebecca made lemon ice cream between two snickerdoodles dipped in white chocolate, with crushed lemon drops. Dannielle loves it mucho.
- Megan made a strawberry soda float with peach-and-basil sorbet. Johnny praises her for making basil kid-friendly and delicious; Gail says the strawberry was a bit too sweet.
- Katzie made spumoni with a twist: baked Alaska on a stick with a fizzy cherry. Dannielle calls it nuanced and sophisticated.


- Carlos made a Cap’n Crunch popsicle dipped in white chocolate and sprinkled with Fruity Pebbles. Rolled in Frosted Flakes, tossed in Apple Jacks, and adorned with Fruit Loops. I made that last part up. Pichet says it ain’t at all summery or refreshing. Re-hello, prediction #2.
- Sally made a healthy berry smoothie (I knew it would suck the second I heard “healthy”) with honey and vanilla bean and white chocolate Rice Krispies. Johnny says he would have preferred fruit- instead of chocolate-flavored Krispies. Sally, who has immunity, probably isn’t even listening.
- Amanda made funnel cake with pineapple jam and coconut sorbet. The judges didn’t like how it got severely unfresh as it waited to be eaten.

Ok so, I was wrong about #1, but spot-on with #2.


Judging:
Top: Megan, Katzie, and Rebecca are the winning team. Pichet proclaims Katzie the winner. She is uber-relieved, admitting that she was hellified nervous about serving her dessert to Johnny. But dude was chowing down on it at the water park, so he was clearly pleased. This is two wins in a row for her. Team Katzie!

Bottom: everybody else sucked. Sally’s smoothie is, as expected, hated upon. Sally, who has immunity, probably isn’t even listening. Carlos’s dessert was too sweet, and Pichet doesn’t like his overuse of breakfast cereals. Amanda let her funnel cake sit too long before serving it. She explains that she had to wait as her two teammates went first; Johnny says she should have spoken up. I gotta agree. I totally would’ve pulled a Hot Matthew and made them impatiently wait while I prepared my dish fresh.


Gail asks Orlando why he thinks his team’s in the bottom. He replies that he is uncertain. Oh, come on. I get that he has a huge ego, but see above. His and Hot Matthew’s dishes were very much misses and not hits, and Chris’s was only partially a hit. As Orlando well knows. Gail’s facial expression made it pretty clear that his answer annoyed her, LOLOLOL. Dannielle explains that their desserts weren’t practical to the environment. Chris begs to differ about his dessert; Johnny counters that it was sticky and syrupy, which is not refreshing. The judges give Orlando another try: Dannielle asks him if he would change any of the components of his dish. He says no. *eye roll* Pichet says he would’ve loved Hot Matthew’s strawberry shortcake in a restaurant but not at a water park on a scorching hot day.

Hot Matthew, Sally, and Chris are safe, leaving Orlando, Carlos, and Amanda. Amanda is sent home. Bye bye, Katy Perry look-alike and Sally’s lesbian crush. :(

Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/21/11

Quickfire:
Wait. Can I have another Willie Wonka-themed episode? No? *pouts* Ok, ok.

Quickfire:
Gail and guest judge pastry chef Pichet Ong inform the chefs that they must create a new candy bar. Nice. (I will be assigning Winner In My Book Awards [WIMBAs] to whoever does NOT use nuts. Because I BLOODY EFFING HATE NUTS.) As the chefs rattle off the delicious ingredients and flavor combinations they’re using, I wonder for the 500th time why come every pastry chef is not morbidly obese. Uh oh. Chris is making two candy bars instead of one, which brings to mind something Tom Colicchio said once after a contestant on Top Chef made two bad ceviches: don’t do two things mediocrely when you can do one thing well. Yes, I paraphrased that, and no, “mediocrely” is not a word. Omg, surprise niceness! Rebecca, whose arm is still in a cast, is struggling mightily and dropping liquid nitrogen vats all over the place, and Orlando, of all people, helps her finish her candy bar. He comes across as such an insufferably self centered know-it-all that I was pretty shocked by that. Good lookin’ out, Orlando.

Katzie: brown butter and caramelized banana jasmine curd with dark chocolate and praline crunch
Carlos: peanut butter crisp with fudge cake and banana pudding covered in chocolate and topped with chocolate pop rocks. (WIMBA!)
Sally: peanut butter, puffed forbidden rice, cocoa nibs, milk chocolate ganache. (WIMBA!)
Hot Matthew: hazelnut feulletine praline with orange vanilla chocolate crème anglaise
Carlos: blackberry port jam in chocolate ganache (WIMBA!)
Chris: white chocolate with banana caramel, milk chocolate with chocolate ganache and nuts
Amanda: earl gray tea white chocolate ganache with bitter orange caramel in chocolate (WIMBA!)
Megan: peanuts, peanut butter, butter caramel, ginger, and feulletine in dark chocolate
Rebecca: granola, panna cotta, orange marmalade in white chocolate (WIMBA!)

Hot Matthew and Katzie are in the bottom; Sally and Rebecca are in the top; Sally wins; she gets immunity. Observation: Amanda looks a lot like Katy Perry.

Elimination:
This is a team challenge, in which everyone must make refreshing and summery desserts for people at a water park. Prediction time! Some desserts will
#1 melt in the heat
#2 be neither refreshing nor summery
An argument breaks out over who all will use the two ice cream machines when and in what order. Oh hello, prediction #1. Johnny time! He enters just as Carlos is yelling the order in which the machine will be used. He is worried by Carlos’s dessert. The dessert Katzie is making, it turns out, is inspired by a restaurant whose owners Johnny knows personally. “Uh oh! You better make it good, girl!” laughs Rebecca. Johnny’s impressed that Amanda’s making funnel cake. As Johnny watches, Katzie’s runs over to save her ice cream, which is spilling out of the machine cuz she forgot to close the door.

Day Two: Katzie: “I’m nervous because we’re serving frozen treats at a water park, and heat can always be a problem when it comes to desserts.” Oh hello, prediction #1. Sally admits she has a lesbian crush on Amanda. (Whatever. Show me more of the Hot Matthew-Chris bromance, dammit.) The chefs head for the water park, and I am LOLed at seeing them in their chef’s coats … over shorts.

- Chris made passion mixer with ginger fizz. He pours serveings through a huge block of ice. It’s boiling hot out, so the judges love that. Johnny: “Well done, chefs.” Dannielle: “It’s hot out here, and this is refreshing.” But then Johnny critiques: “As much as it is acidic and tart, I have a stickiness at the back of my throat now when I’m done, and that’s definitely from the sugar.”
- Orlando made a root beer float-inspired chocolate vanilla cake brownie in steeped milk with nutmeg and root beer foam. The judges say it ain’t at all summery or refreshing. Oh hello, prediction #2. Orlando says he was trying to get away from the traditional root beer float; Johnny says then he shouldn’t have called it that.
- Hot Matthew makes the judges wait, quite impatiently, as he prepares his take on strawberry shortcake: yellow butter cake, whole milk ice cream, sautéed strawberries, and strawberry jus. Gail says the strawberries should have been cold and fresh instead of hot and cooked.

- Rebecca made lemon ice cream between two snickerdoodles dipped in white chocolate, with crushed lemon drops. Dannielle loves it mucho.
- Megan made a strawberry soda float with white peach and basil sorbet. Johnny praises her for making basil kid-friendy; Gail says the strawberry was too sweet.
- Katzie made spumoni with a twist: baked Alaska on a stick with a fizzy cherry. Dannielle calls it nuanced and sophisticated.

- Carlos made a Cap’n Crunch popsicle dipped in white chocolate and sprinkled with Fruity Pebbles. Rolled in Frosted Flakes and adorned with Fruit Loops. I made that last part up. Pichet says it ain’t at all summery or refreshing. Oh hello, prediction #2.
- Sally made a berry smoothie with honey and vanilla bean and white chocolate Rice Krispies. Johnny says he would have preferred fruit- instead of chocolate-flavored Krispies. Sally, who has immunity, probably isn’t even listening.
- Amanda made funnel cake with pineapple jam and coconut sorbet. The judges didn’t like how it got unfresh while it waited to be eaten.

Ok so, I was wrong about #1, but spot-on with #2.

Judging:
Gail requests the presence of Megan, Katzie, and Rebecca. They are the winning team. Pichet proclaims Katzie the winner! Two in a row! Team Katzie!

Sally’s smoothie is hated upon. Sally, who has immunity, probably isn’t even listening. Carlos’s dessert was too sweet, and Pichet doesn’t like his use of breakfast cereals. Amanda let her funnel cake sit too long before serving it; she said that she had to wait cuz her two teammates had gone first; Johnny says she should have spoken up. I gotta agree. I totally would’ve pulled a Hot Matthew and made them wait, quite impatiently, while I prepared my dish fresh.

Gail asks Orlando why he thinks his team’s in the bottom. He replies that he is uncertain. Oh, come on. I get that he has a huge ego, but see above. His and Hot Matthew’s dishes were very much misses and not hits, and Chris’s was only partially a hit. As Orlando well knows. Gail’s facial expression made it pretty clear that his answer annoyed her, LOLOLOL. Dannielle explains that their desserts weren’t practical to the environment. Chris begs to differ about his dessert; Johnny counters that it was sticky and syrupy, which is not refreshing. The judges give Orlando another try: Dannielle asks him if he would change any of the components of his dish. He says no. Wow. Pichet says he would’ve loved Hot Matthew’s strawberry shortcake in a restaurant but not at a water park on a scorching hot day.

Hot Matthew, Sally, and Chris are safe, leaving Orlando, Carlos, and Amanda. Amanda is sent home. Bye bye, Sally’s lesbian crush. :(

Hell's Kitchen, 9/19/11

At last, the finale. Finally, we will see Bitchy Elise get what’s coming to her. You gotta hand it to Gordon. Pretending he wanted to keep such a talentless, abrasive, deluded, sorry excuse for a chef around all this time was probably very difficult. But it was good for ratings, so he stuck it out. Now he can give us all what we so desperately want: Bitchy Elise sent home with her tail between her legs. DO THIS, GORDON.

Hour one begins with Will, clearly attempting to assuage his guilt about not having had the decency to say that Jennifer is a better chef than Elise, repeating over and over that his actions had nothing to do with doing anybody a favor; it’s just that Elise actually is a better cook. Who you trying to convince, Will?


Awwww. Seeing the chefs’ families was cute … though in Bitchy Elise’s case, it just made me wonder how she could be such a colossally huge bitch when she’s got such a lovely family. After only minutes (during which Tommy cannot stop kissing his girlfriend), Gordon sends the families away, gives the chefs a seafood dish of his to recreate, and tells them the winner will get to continue the reunion. And the winner is … Paul! Bitchy Elise starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.


Paul and his brother get to go to a Dodgers game, where Gordon throws out the first pitch, then serves them hot dogs and beer.

Back at Hell's Kitchen, Gordon tells the final four that not one but two are going home after tonight's dinner service. (Fifty-fifty chance, Bitchy Elise!) Gordon will be conducting quality control tests during dinner, unbeknownst to the chefs, to see how they handle it. On the soundtrack of tonight’s episode: “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys.

Paul’s service:
Test: Chef Scott put shrimp instead of lobster in the capellini. Paul fails; he doesn’t notice and starts to serve it. Tommy serves raw shrimp, then is slow on the fish, causing Paul to have a screaming fit. Bitchy Elise: “If they’re already flustered, it’s not gonna do no point in screaming and yelling at somebody. That’s not leadership.” Her almost incomprehensible sentence construction aside, she’s right … in pointing out something that she herself did pretty much every episode.

Tommy’s service:
Test: James gives him an order that is not on the menu. Tommy fails; he doesn’t notice as he reads it out, but he recovers quickly and gets the correct order. He’s a bit scattered, but his appetizers and entrees get out on time.


Elise’s service:
Test: The cauliflower puree was replaced with potato puree. Bitchy Elise fails; she doesn’t notice — even though she tasted it. Gordon yells at her; she starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch. Sabotage II: Chef Scott replaced the mashed potatoes with parsnip puree; this, Bitchy Elise notices. She yells at Tommy because his fish isn’t pretty. I guess that’s leadership?

Will’s Service:
Test: Chef Scott brings up lamb instead of beef and hanger instead of strip. Will passes; he notices both mistakes. Bitchy Elise delivers spinach with raw pasta in it, then she takes the spinach Will asked her to do over and simply puts it on another plate. When he points this out to her, she asks him why he’s being an asshole, and tells him that just because it’s his service doesn’t mean he has to be an asshole. (I guess she forgot what an asshole she was minutes ago to Tommy.) She then ruins the potatoes (“It was an accident!”) and has to start them over, bringing service to a grinding halt. She’s smirking through all this, mind you. But this is exactly what Will deserves for getting Jennifer sent home.


Elimination:
Tommy goes home first. :( Then Gordon announces that Will is in the final two. It’s between Paul and Bitchy Elise. IT’S PAUL!!! Ding dong, the bitch is dead, stomp your feet, get out of bed, ding dong, the wicked bitch is deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead! THANK YOU, GORDON. Bitchy Elise starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.


Hour Two begins with Paul and Will planning their menus for the final dinner service. Gordon offers to give them a break and take them out to dinner. At the restaurant, he asks if they’d like to go in the kitchen and meet the chef. The kitchen, it turns out, is a small arena filled with a cheering crowd. Unexpected! Gordon leads Will and Paul to the stage and informs them that they have one hour to make five BLT Steak-worthy dishes.

I don’t have a horse in this race anymore; they both sold Jennifer out to Bitchy Elise, so I don’t care who wins. I shall be rating based on food alone.


Round One, Appetizer: Paul’s littleneck clams and mussels with a lemongrass spicy broth with butter and potatoes (yuck) vs Will’s seared scallops on a charred corn salad with a corn puree and micro cilantro (yum). Will wins! Round Two, Salad: Will’s beet salad with champagne vinaigrette (yuck) vs Paul’s mixed greens over roasted potatoes (yum). Paul wins! (I’m two for two!) Round Three, Fish: Will’s dover sole (eh) vs Paul’s bronzini (eh). Paul wins! Round Four, Meat: Paul’s pan roasted ribeye with buttermilk puree (looks deelish) vs Will’s grilled gruyere-topped ribeye (looks good, but Paul’s looked better). Will wins! (Eff, I lost that one.) It’s now two to two. (OF COURSE it’s two to two. Rule #1 of reality tv: the drama must be carried out as long as possible. See: Bitchy Elise lasting nearly the entire season.) Round Five, which I was hoping would be Dessert but instead is apparently More Meat: Will’s grilled filet mignon with buttered Brussels sprouts, black truffle-and-potato puree, and a red grape jus (looks deelish) vs Paul’s pan roasted filet mignon with braised endive and truffle potato fries (looks good, but Will’s looked better). Will wins!



Will and Paul head back to Hell’s Kitchen for the final dinner service, where past contestants have returned to help them out. I convulsively jerk with revulsion when I see Bitchy Elise.

Dinner:
Gordon tastes Will’s (red team) and Paul’s (blue team) dishes, doesn’t like a couple of Paul’s. Paul storms out of the kitchen, cries about how he promised his recently deceased mother that he was going to win (Wow. No pressure!), gathers himself, comes back, calls the team together, and gives them a stern pep talk. Which meant nothing to Bitchy Elise, who starts service by bringing up brothy shrimp, then lighting a pan on fire. (Oh yeah, she’s a WAY better cook than Jennifer. *eye roll*) When Elizabeth messes up the scallops; Bitchy Elise — who just lit a pan on fire — wonders if it was “a blonde moment.” Red Team is slowed by Krupa’s fish problems, Blue Team by Jonathan’s steak problems. Will replaces Krupa with Natalie; Paul, Jonathan with Bitchy Elise. Both moves pay off. With some ups and downs, each team eventually finishes strong. The eliminated chefs leave, AND I HOPE I NEVER SEE BITCHY ELISE EVER AGAIN.


Winner:
After a lengthy bit of speechifying (*sigh* I just love his accent. I wonder if I'd have such major hots for Gordon if he were American? Probably not.), Gordon invites Will and Paul to step up to the doors. And … Paul’s door opens. “I AM A BIG F*CKING DEAL!” he jubilantly screams. Lol. I admit it: I’m glad. That stuff about his mom was touching.

I’m already looking forward to next season. And I swear to god, the black girl better not be another raging stereotype-fulfilling bitch. Your African American female fan base implores you, Gordon.

Project Runway, 9/15/11

Whenever Heidi announces that the designers will be working with new models, I get excited. Over the years we’ve seen pregnant chicks, brides, overweight chicks, formerly overweight chicks, little girls, stiltwalkers, etc. What’ll it be this time? It will be … DUDES! And not male models, either. Regular dudes. Any time the models are regular people, you can bet your bottom dollar there will be fat discrimination. Josh leads the way with “I’m not whatsoever intimidated; I’m intimidated by the waistlines.” Anya: “I choose Mike because he has the most slender frame. It’s perfect.” Even Olivier (LOVE) chimes in: “In the end, we’re left with all these fat people. And fat is fine! But not when I’m making clothes.” At least he made a (half-hearted) attempt to assure us that he doesn’t hate fatties. LOL. Ooooooh, the old switcharoo! They’re not designing for the men; they’re designing for the men’s wives/girlfriends. I cross my fingers and toes and hope to all the gods that Joshua’s, Anya’s, and Olivier’s (LOVE) model’s wives are all 300 pounds overweight. Lol. (Laura Kathleen prays her guy is rich with a fabulous wife. *eye roll*)

Viktor’s guy knows nothing about what his girl wants. Anya’s guy knows nothing about what his girl wants. Bert’s guy, whom I immediately dislike, describes his girl as “a hot piece of tushie,” tells Bert her boobs are what attracted him to her, later calls himself “the booby monster” and demonstrates his motorboating technique, and wants Bert to make something very low-cut. Joshua asks his guy if his girl would be into lace; he responds that she keeps it “tame and simple.” Bryce’s guy wants something cutesy, elegant, girly, and pink. Anthony Ryan’s guy, whom I immediately like, may be a tall tattooed stocky long-haired mustached bear, but he’s a teddy bear. He wants Anthony Ryan to recreate a dress of his girl’s that he lost in an airport because it would make her “squeal with excitement.” Awww! Laura Kathleen’s guy instructs her to picture herself “darker, taller, and maybe bustier.” Wow. It’s called “tact,” dude. Olivier (temporary de-LOVE), continuing with the fat-ism, is not pleased that his guy’s girl has “ginormous” breasts. “I don’t like women having boobs. I just want them to be flat when it comes to design. I think that distracts from the whole line.” Um … then maybe YOU SHOULD WORK IN MENSWEAR.


Arrival of the women! Ok, to be fair, Laura Kathleen’s chick actually IS a darker, taller, bustier Laura Kathleen, lol. Laura Kathleen says she’s ok designing for Barbies cuz usually they’re the ones with money. WE GET IT, LAURA KATHLEEN. YOU LOVE WEALTH AND HATE POOR PEOPLE. Bert’s chick, thank god, reigns in her husband’s cleavage-exposing obsession. Anya’s nervous about making for her chick (who is not 300 pounds overweight. Darn!) a silk garment. Viktor’s pleased when his chick arrives wearing something very similar to what he’s making. Anthony’s chick is loving her replace-the-lost dress; her teddy bear husband BEAMS. Kimberly’s chick is shocked that her boyfriend helped design an actually pretty dress, lol. Joshua … SIGH… was told very specifically to make something simple, and what does he do? Puts little metal tiles on the dress. His chick immediately shoots that down as “too showy.” He moans that when his guy “said simple; I didn’t realize he meant SIMPLE.” *annoyed* But let us give him credit; at least he didn’t subject her to The Wrath of Joshua. Though you know he wanted to. Olivier (LOVE) and his chick are (politely) clashing over how the garment should look. Bryce’s chick loves the pink fabric he selected, but he hates it so he gets out the fabric dye. Then he cries over how much he misses his boyfriend, but I’m still too mad at how much of an utter dick he was to Fallene to feel sorry for him. Jerk.


Ok, I agreed with like NONE of the judging. Anya’s Japanese- and African-inspired kimono gets high praise. I don’t like it. Joshua’s now-simple black dress gets high praise. I’m not so impressed. Viktor’s shirt-and-skirt combo gets high praise. I HATE IT. I liked Olivier’s (LOVE) shirt-and-pants combo; it didn’t even place. :(


Bert, Bryce, and—darn!—Anthony Ryan are in the bottom. Bert’s dress is too original and safe. If the neckline weren’t so low, I’d like it. Bryce’s pink dress, according to Nina, has too much going on. I, however, love it. Anthony Ryan’s replace-the-lost-dress is a “cheerleader-sailor child’s uniform.” I, however, love it.


Joshua wins. BOOOOOOOOOOO! He does a cartwheel. I pettily wish he’d fallen off stage. He races in to tell the other designers that he won, then wants people to touch his chest to feel how fast his heart’s beating. Anya politely does—then Olivier (LOVE) actually snatches his hand away so he won’t have to. Ha haha ha! The bottom two are Anthony Ryan and Bryce. TRUE LOVE SAVED ANTHONY RYAN! Bryce goes home. Fallene and I cheer.