Quickfire
For this challenge, guest-judged by the VERY cute Jordan Khan, the chefs have to incorporate a root vegetable into a dessert. Gross. Rebecca, who knows nada about root veggies, says “I’m sick to my stomach nervous.” Well I'm sick to my stomach, period. I get that the contestants’ creativity has to be tested, but this is very much not going to be as fun as the make-your-own-candy-bar Quickfire. I hate, hate, HATE the combination of savory and sweet. I HATE IT.
The chefs get their harvest on and dig up:
- Carlos: celery root
- Chris: jicama
- Orlando: radish
- Hot Matthew: parsnip
- Rebecca: potato
- Katzie: turnip
- Megan: something unidentifiable. Poor thing, she just stares at it. “It’s a burdock root,” Gail informs her. Megan is still clueless (as am I). “A what?” she asks, mystified. “A burdock root,” Gail says more slowly. I’m now rooting for Megan to win this, since she unearthed the weird one that the Top Chef Just Desserts peeps clearly included only so they could sound fancy.
- Sally: turmeric
As all the chefs stand there looking like they’d rather hurl their veggies through a window than cook with them — Seriously. They’re grimacing and frowning, lol. — Gail reveals the reason for the difficulty of the challenge: winner gets immunity … and $5,000. Suddenly, root veggies are celebrated and much loved. Whatever. This is still going to be YUCK, from start to finish.
- Rebecca’s inspiration was eating a Frosty with French fries from Wendy's. (I immediately gag. This is a battle I have fought with friends for years. That combination of foods is EFFING DISGUSTING. This episode is seriously grossing me out.) She made shoestring fried potatoes with chocolate sauce and malted ice cream. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. Then inexplicably, she says “I can’t cook to save my life.” Huh? We know she means savory foods and not desserts, but still. Gail: “You shouldn’t say that on national television. On a cooking show.” Yeah, DUH, Rebecca. (Katzie silently LOLs.)
- Megan made a burdock root-five spice fritter with candied burdock root compote. Now, that actually sounds edible. And very inventive, for unlike Rebecca, Megan didn’t just put the veg on a plate and add chocolate. *shudder* I’m still Team Katzie, since Katzie won the Willie Wonka challenge, but Megs is growing on me.
- Katzie made soy milk panna cotta with mascarpone cream, caramel honey, turnip chips, almonds, and honey and orange blossoms. (Ugh. Katzie is one of those people who say “carr-mel” instead of “care-uh-mel.” Ugh.) I thought it looked edible; Sally says it looks like “a melty blob on the plate.” Sally has really been hating on Katzie ever since the Willie Wonka win.
- Chris gets eliminated when he puts his fried jicama on the plate in front of the judges, since that counts as cooking after time was called. Poor guy, out of the running for $5K. (I’m food-greedy, so I still would have at least tasted his dish if I were the judges. I’m also money-greedy, so I would have pitched a bitch-fit if I were Chris.)
- Carlos made celery root in three textures: frozen celery root granita, pickled celery root, and celery root chips with peanut butter pudding. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING.
- Hot Matthew made a caramelized parsnip cake with banana puree. Sounds edible. (Yay! Hot Matthew says “care-uh-mel-ized” instead of “carr-mel-ized.” Yay!)
- Sally made a mango pudding with turmeric topped with curry popcorn, pine nuts, and Thai basil. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. And if you ask me, hers looks like a melty blob too, but in orange.
- Orlando made a peach and radish crumble with vanilla bean sherbet. Edible.
Rebecca and Carlos are in the bottom. Hot Matthew and Sally are on the top. (Megan got robbed!) Sally’s orange blob wins. Whatever. I wouldn’t eat ANY of that crap. This challenge was the opposite of delicious. Moving on.
Elimination:
Gail is joined by the Beastie Boys’ Ad Rock. COOL! But then, YUCK again. The chefs have to choose from foods mentioned in BB songs and use two in a dessert. Orlando: “What the f*ck are we going to do with all this shit.” Exactly, my brother. Exactly. Then, everyone has to pick a third ingredient for someone else. “A bit of sabotage,” says Ad Rock. (I see what he did there!)
- Megan selects whiskey and brass monkey. Katzie gives her onions.
- Hot Matthew selects whiskey and cornbread. Chris gives him potatoes and gravy — then worries that that might send his friend home. If it does, I’ll kill you, Chris.
- Carlos selects popcorn and bacon. Sally gives him cucumber.
- Chris selects pizza and pork & beans. Megan gives him ravioli.
- Sally selects cheddar cheese and prosciutto. Carlos gives her chicken.
- Katzie selects butter and fries. Orlando gives her gorgonzola and provolone.
- Orlando selects coffee & cream and rum. Hot Matthew gives him peas.
- Rebecca selects a 40 ounce and some ham. (Aka, breakfast in the ghetto.) Sally gives her falafel.
Gross nasty gross nasty YUCK. :( This episode is like the nightmare bizzaro offspring of Top Chef and Top Chef Just Desserts. I know, I KNOW: it’s forcing the contestants to step outside of their comfort zone. That doesn’t make it any less gross. Let’s skip to the judging so we can be done with this disgusting unappetizingness, shall we? I’m sorry, but savory+sweet is severely gross to me, and I just don’t care. :(
-- fast forwarding --
Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca are in the bottom. Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally are in the top. And I just want to call attention to this exchange:
- Chris (uber-relieved): “I’m going to go throw up now.”
- Gail: “You are not allowed to throw up, because you did not eat what we ate.”
WELL IF YOU DON’T WANT VOMIT-INDUCING NASTINESS, THEN DON’T MAKE THE CHEFS COOK DESSERTS WITH GORGONZOLA, ONIONS, AND FALAFEL! IN THE FUTURE, IF YOU WANT THEM TO STEP OUTSIDE OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE, MAKE THEM USE NEW COOKING TECHNIQUES OR WORK ONE HANDED OR SOMETHING! YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT! GOT THAT?
-- fast forwarding --
Hot Matthew wins. Wow! With whiskey, cornbread, potatoes, and gravy??? Impressive. Very, very impressive, Hot Matthew. (I don’t have to kill you, Chris.)
-- fast forwarding --
Rebecca gets sent home.
Let’s do better next week, Top Chef Just Desserts. Not that you can do worse.
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