Top Chef, 2/22/12

I’ve been putting this off because there’s only a one in three chance that somebody I don’t hate is going to win. But I guess nothing can be worse than Gretchen winning her season of Project Runway, so let’s do this.

CRAPDAMMIT. Just to rub it in my face that Beverly went home last week, it’s an Asian-themed Quickfire. And of course Sarah says how glad she is that she doesn’t have to compete against Bev. Ok, I won’t be at all happy if Lindsay wins, but I think I might actually punch somebody if Sarah wins. Chefs Floyd Corda, Anita Lo, and Takashi Yagihash enter. Sarah acts as if she’s about to die of joy, which is strange for somebody who’s spent all season bashing Bev and Asian food. She’s paired with Corda, Lindsay with Anita, and Paul with Takashi, whom Sarah wanted because she “respects him immensely” and they’re friends. I wonder if that was still the case after he saw how she treated Bev/Asian food all season. Padma says each team will have 40 minutes to create an Asian-inspired dish; team members must take turns cooking in 10-minute intervals. Winner gets $20k. Hot damn!

- Lindsay/Anita: scallop two ways
- Sarah/Floyd: pan seared cod
- Paul/Takashi: clam sashimi


Emeril pronounces Sarah/Floyd the winner. Afraid that this is a sign of things to come, I seriously just want to turn off the tv and go play Words with Friends. But I forge on. Padma tells the chefs that they have to make one dish and one cocktail for 150 people at a Fire and Ice cocktail party; the dish has to contain both a hot and a cold element. Emeril warns them that doing something simplistic like chili with a scoop of sour cream isn’t gonna cut it. Padma says the winner gets a trip for two to Costa Rica. Hot double damn!

Random: I like Lindsay’s haircut, and I hate Sarah’s, and I want to make out with Paul and feed him ice cream.

They go shopping for ingredients. Sarah buys halibut, and we’re shown a flashback of her yelling at Beverly during Restaurant Wars about overcooking the fish. The next day, Tom visits with the chefs as they cook; he makes me love him to pieces when he asks Lindsay, since it looked like the problem during Restaurant Wars was her instruction and not Bev’s skill, did she pick halibut again to show she could do it right? HA HA HAAAAA, BURN. Sarah, Lindsay, and Paul are wishing this was one of those seasons when previously eliminated contestants come back to help them cook. ME TOO. I miss you, Bev. :(


Paul:
- dish: king crab in lobster broth with lemon snow
- cocktail: kaffir lime juice, palm sugar, palm chilies, rum
Tom likes the dish but is annoyed by the use of arugula as nothing more than a garnish, says the drink is “a little on the sweet side” but goes well with the dish.


Sarah:
- dish: five greens-filled pasta with garlic and chili, spiced sformato
- cocktail: gin, kumquats, and mango
Tom and Gail comment on how the sformato is hard and unmelting, though it has a good flavor. Emeril says she nailed the pasta. Gail loves the citrus-y drink, but she and Tom don’t think it goes well with the dish.


Lindsay:
- dish: halibut with fiery celery root salad, shaved tomato ice
- cocktail: vodka, tomato, horseradish
Emeril says his is really hot, Gail says hers is really fiery, Tom says he didn’t get any heat at all. He says the fish is great but the kale is raw. Gail loves the seasoned ice. Emeril liked the drink with the dish but said by itself it’s very flat.

Ok, can I dare to dream? If the only real complaint about Paul’s dish was his garnish, it sounds like he’s safe and Lindsay and Sarah are in the bottom. *hopeful*


Tom tells Paul the arugula seemed like an afterthought added to the plate only for color. Gail tells Sarah the mousse was so frozen it was hard to eat. Tom says Lindsay’s tomatoes were so great, they outshined the fish.

I can’t stand it anymore, so I fast forward to the end. Sarah is through. DAMMIT. I hold my breath and cross my fingers and pray—YES!!!! Lindsay goes home!!!

TEAM PAUL TEAM PAUL TEAM PAUL!!!!!!!!!!

Top Chef, 2/15/12

We’re in Vancouver! Wait—this is Top Chef Texas. Why are we suddenly in Vancouver? Oh hell, I don’t care. As long as Paul or Beverly wins. Please lose, Sarah and Lindsay. I will say this, though: I love that the final four are one dude and three dudettes. GIRL POWER!!! Sarah, Beverly, Paul, and Lindsay pile into a van. Somebody actually yells, “It’s TOYOTA time!” which sounds as genuine as Lindsay’s and Sarah’s smiles looked as they hugged Beverly. Paul tells us his paternal great-grandfather fled China and went to the Philippines to make a better life for his family. I gotta say, that’s a much more compelling backstory than Lindsay telling us she used to be a beauty queen. Tom and Padma greet the chefs on a snowy, windy mountaintop and announce the Culinary Games. There will be three events; winner of each gets $10k; at the end, one chef is going home.

First event: cook a dish on a gondola ride up and down the mountain. At the top, they must select an ingredient to incorporate into their dishes on the way down. Paul’s nervous cuz he gets motion sickness. Sarah’s flustered cuz she can’t figure out what to cook. Bev decides to go with a cold dish cuz it’s so cold in the gondola. Lindsay tells us that cooking at high elevations is different from cooking at sea level. Why thank you, Professor No Shit, Sherlock. At the top of the mountain, Paul selects wasabi paste; Sarah, prune juice; Bev and Lindsay, horseradish. Pretty snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler joins Padma, Gail, and Tom for the tasting.


- Paul: seared lamb loin with curried and roasted enoki mushrooms, wasabi crème fraiche, juniper gastrique
- Sarah: chorizo sausage; raw egg; caramelized onions, mushrooms, gooseberries, almonds
- Bev: salmon tartare, white anchovy horseradish, sour cream crème fraiche, crispy fried panko and capers
- Lindsay: seared salmon over creamy red quinoa with chorizo, horseradish vinaigrette, sour cream crème fraiche
4th place: Paul, 3rd place, Sarah. 1st place … is Lindsay. DAMMIT. She wins $10k and will be in the finale.

Handsome skeletoner John Montgomery joins Padma, Gail, and Tom. For the second event, the chefs have one hour to remove foods frozen solid in ice and cook something with them. “I’ve never used an ice pick!” Bev laughs. Really? I have, and I’m from Florida. (Just to punch holes in cardboard, but that’s neither here nor there.) Padma yells go. Paul gets his crab legs out of their block of ice in minutes, but Sarah and Bev are really struggling. He helps them, throwing ice around to try to break the blocks apart. That was nice of him.


- Sarah: pea and spinach soup with turmeric, almonds, and king crab
- Paul: king crab poached in brown butter spiced with garlic, cayenne and turmeric; mango chutney; orange marmalade
- Bev: seared scallop with red wine-orange reduction; buttered peas, corn and couscous
Paul wins! He gets $10k and will be in the finale.

OOOOOHHH, A BEVERLY VS. SARAH SHOWDOWN!!!! Omg omg omg pleeeeeeeeeeease win, Bev!

Gold medalist Cammi Granato joins the judges for the 3rd event. Bev and Sarah arrive and are a bit alarmed to see that Padma has a gun. “Do we have to shoot our own game?” Bev wonders. LOL. Girlfriend, please. PETA would descend upon Top Chef, Bravo, and all sponsors with a fierce fury. It’s a biathlon! Bev and Sarah will have to cross country ski, then will have ten bullets to shoot targets with ingredients on them. Sarah says she used to target practice with her grandparents with shotguns; Bev is worried because she’s never skied or shot a gun. I’m thinking Sarah’s heft will slow her down in the skiing, so maybe if Bev can get to the shooting range first, even with crappy shooting she can get good ingredients before Sarah gets there. Holy crap, it is painful—and hilarious—watching Bev and Sarah try to ski. LOL. But I was right, and Bev reaches the shooting range first. YES! And she shoots way better than Sarah, too.

- Beverly: roasted arctic char, onion-red wine-beet compote, celery root-truffle puree, shaved fennel salad
- Sarah: rabbit braised in red wine with cherries and hazelnuts, sauerkraut puree, slice of rabbit heart
I’ve been refraining from weighing in so far this episode, but let me indulge myself: (if I ate meat,) I would eat the hell out of Bev’s dish and toss Sarah’s straight into the trash. And that’s not my anti-Sarah bias; that’s my anti-savory+sweet bias. Cherries+rabbit meat? YUCK. Anyway, Tom praises the flavors and colors of Bev’s dish, but says she might have overcooked the fish slightly; Gail and Cammi say her dish was yum. Tom praises Sarah’s braising rabbit and making kraut in such a limited time. Cammi liked Sarah’s flavors; Gail says the rabbit was a little tough. Tom says both dishes are great and the decision will be a tough one. Paul and Lindsay join Bev and Sarah in the kitchen as they wait. Paul is Team Bev; Lindsay is Team Sarah. DAMMIT, Sarah wins. DAMMIT. She wins $10k and will be in the finale. Booooooooooooooooooooooooo! Omg, booooooooo.

Team Paul. TEAM PAUL. TEAM PAUL. TEAM PAUL.

Top Chef, 2/1/12

Down to the final five! I am Team Paul first, Grayson second, and Edward third. Anybody but Sarah or Lindsay, please thanks.

Pee-wee Herman in the house. Yay, childhood icon! Dude is aging quite well. For the Quickfire, the chefs must make one of his favorite foods: pancakes. Was it really necessary to have a table full of pancakes just to announce that pancakes will be made? I’m asking because I’m greedy and I’m jealous that I didn’t get to help devour all the extra food after filming was complete. Anyway, yay pancakes! Love it when the chefs are assigned something non-pretentious: pancakes, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.—and it’s quite eye-opening when somebody completely bombs such challenges. You should be able to cook outside of your ostentatious comfort zone. Re-anyway, the winner gets five thousand dollars. “Five thousand dollars for a pancake? Wow. That’s a stack!” Pee-wee quips, and dammit, I actually laugh at that. Cooking begins. Paul, who has apparently slipped into the mad scientist shoes of the recently eliminated Ponytail Chris, breaks out the liquid nitrogen.


- Grayson: ricotta buttermilk pancakes, peach compote, blackberry, and basil
- Sarah: confetti pancakes, blackberry sauce, cocoa nibs, banana, and whipped cream
- Paul: rolled pancakes, berries, black pepper, and champagne dippin’ dots
- Lindsay: ricotta pancake, whipped crème fraiche, and almond-anise cookies
- Edward: pancake bits, berries, bacon, and bruleed marshmallow

Pee-wee tells everybody he or she made the best pancake he’s ever had. All the pancakes sounded pretty damn scrumptious (minus the bacon and pepper, i.m.o.), and he doesn’t call out anybody for making a bad one, so he’s probably being sincere. And the winner is … Ed!!!! But everybody feels like a winner when Pee-wee tells them he got them all brand new bicycles. Cool!

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs must make a family style lunch, and Padma says they have to use those bicycles to ride around town finding food and a restaurant to cook it in. Ha! The next day, everyone saddles up—Lindsay, who is blonde, puts her helmet on backwards—heads for the farmer’s market, and then one by one finds restaurants in which the owners/staff act as if this isn’t completely staged and agree to let the chefs crash their kitchens for a few hours. Ed doesn’t want his chicken to be overcooked, so he’s going to undercook it just a hair. Lindsay is the last person to find somewhere to cook; she’s worried about having enough time. Post-cooking, Grayson’s so concerned about breaking the egg yolks inside of her chicken breasts on the way to the Alamo that she risks burns to hold the tray in her hand instead of putting it in her bike basket.

- Sarah: summer veggie salad, boiled egg, chicken skin vinaigrette
- Grayson: gorgonzola cheese-spinach-and-egg yolk stuffed chicken breast with egg-bacon vinaigrette, tomatoes, and butternut squash
- Lindsay: roasted zucchini stuffed with braised beef cheeks and rice; salad of greens, pickled celery and carrots, goat cheese
- Edward: red-eye gravy over chicken poached in beef tallow; grits with corn and gorgonzola cheese; salad of kale, okra, and roasted tomatoes
- Paul: roasted chicken salad with Thai basil oil, red curry gastrique, cucumbers, and summer squash



Gail loves Sarah’s vinaigrette; Tom and Peewee say the dish needs salt. Gail likes Lindsay’s use of zucchini; Padma says she used too much goat cheese; Peewee loves the dish. Ed’s grits and gravy are a hit, but Peewee says the chicken is slightly odd; Tom says it’s on the edge of undercooked. Gail loves Paul’s dish; Padma wanted more spicy. Gail says Grayson’s dish is good; Tom says it’s delicious but he wishes she’d left off some stuff; the plate’s too busy. AND THEN PEE-WEE MAKES ME LOVE HIM MORE THAN I EVER KNEW I COULD: “I thought it was delicious, but I have a lot of childhood issues with runny yolk that I’d have to lie down to tell you about.” Thank you, Pee-wee!!! I knew I couldn’t be the only person on the planet who feels that RUNNY YOLK IS FRICKING DISGUSTING.

Lindsay wins. (Boo.) Ed, Grayson, and Sarah are in the bottom, and … Grayson goes home. If you ask me, serving bland food is a much bigger crime than serving a lot of delicious food, so Sarah should have gone home, dammit.

It’s time for the final Last Chance Kitchen showdown. Grayson vs Beverly. Whoever wins will be back in the competition. And the winner is … we don’t know!!!! She won’t be revealed til next week. Arrrrrrrgggghhhh! Well, I love Grayson, but please please please let it be Beverly!

Top Chef, 1/4/12

Ok, I had to rewind and listen for a second time to make sure I heard this right. Remember that yummy cake that helped see Heather to not one but two victories? Edward says it was actually his recipe! Hmmmm. Really? I don’t know about that. I hate Heather and am quite glad she’s gone, but I never saw any footage of her asking him for cake help. Since she turned out to be the villain, surely it would have been showed if it existed, yes? Plus, like Sarah, I’m a little suspicious of Edward making this claim only after Heather is gone and can’t refute it. But I hate Heather, so who cares.

As the chefs all sit around chatting, drinking, and eating junk food (which warms my heart to see, for some reason), there is a knock at the door, and Modernist Cuisine is delivered. “An incredible encyclopedic set of books about how to approach all of cuisine with a modern mindset,” it’s described in reverent tones. A note from Padma tells them they best study it. They do. The next day, Padma and Modernist Cuisine author Nathan Myhrvold inform the chefs that for today’s Quickfire, they must create a dish that illustrates modernist cuisine. (I think we all saw that one coming.) Winner gets immunity and a copy of the books. Everybody gets busy working with stuff like maltodextrin, nitroglycerin, super proteins, and lecithin. Ponytail Chris, who is dorkily excited, says this challenge is right up his alley since it’s his job to find new cooking techniques for his restaurant. Cute Chris says this challenge is right up his alley because he’s a modern guy and his apartment is decorated in a modern style. Which, we’re shown, means he has nude paintings everywhere.

There’s a cringe-inducing minute of arrrrggghhh embarrassment when tasting first gets underway as Beverly accidentally sprays foam all over Padma; Bev explains she was never allowed to hang with the other kids as a child so she’s socially awkward. (Maybe so, but her tattoos are supremely effing cool. I wish colors showed up on black people like that. *jealous*) Anyway, Paul’s endive salad with parmesan, egg yolk, and truffle powder, which lacks depth of flavor, Beverly’s flash-steamed clams and mussels with curry whipped cream and mango chili, which isn’t modernist enough, and Grayson’s trout sashimi with dill caviar and pickled watermelon rind, cucumber, and radish, which is too simple, are in the bottom. Ty’s watermelon cube with vanilla bean honey, cracked black pepper, and salted olive oil powder, Sarah’s breakfast raviolo with an egg yolk center and pancetta atop an orange juice sauce, and Ponytail Chris’s miracle berry pill, wedge of lemon, deconstructed cheesecake, and sparkling lemon-lime water are in the top. Paul says it lacks technique and looks gimmicky, but Paul can drink a cup of stfu because it looks fun and yummy, and I WANT SOME. And the winner is … Ty. Good job, Ty! I hope that set of Modernist Cuisine is a signed first edition.

It’s back to the traditional for the Elimination Challenge; the chefs must make barbecue. (Sigh. Oh, how I wish during challenges like this, a meatless entrée would be required. Oh well. I guess Texas vegetarians have just learned to do what I do at barbecues: shut up and eat the sides.) The chefs split into three teams of three, then are told they must make bbq for 300 guests at The Salt Lick, and must make chicken, beef brisket, pork spareribs, and two sides. Scott Roberts, owner of The Salt Lick, whom I want to hug because he looks like a jolly Asian Santa, shows the chefs around the restaurant, shows off his delicious bbq, then finally stops torturing the drooling chefs and lets them taste it. After the meal, they head off to the cooking pits, following Scott in his TOYOTA TOYOTA TOYOTA Tundra laden with the huge load of wood (that’s what she said) they’ll use whilst cooking their bbq all night long. He wishes them luck; cooking begins. Bev’s bourbon flambé is really on fire. Grayson, Lindsay, and Paul lose precious hours of cooking their brisket when it all falls off the racks. Ponytail Chris is cooking beer can chicken. Everyone works through the night (Ugh. Been there, done that.); in the morning, Tom does his walk-through to get the skinny on the chefs’ cooking techniques. They're all very hot and very tired, but everyone finds a second wind when Tom informs them that the winning team will get $15k. Everyone except Sarah, that is, who succumbs to the heat and exhaustion and is carted off to the hospital. A very irritated Ed says he would have pushed through it. Spoken like someone to whom that has never happened. Ed then gripes about how much work there is for only two people to do.

Ooooooooooooooooooh, Tito and Tarantula are playing at the bbq! I looove them! (*pauses Top Chef to put “After Dark” on iPod and From Dusk til Dawn in Netflix queue)


- Blue Team: Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay
- Asian spare ribs, chicken, and brisket; charred Brussels sprouts and purple okra with kimchi; watermelon salad
Which, Paul explains, is “watermelon with fish sauce.” Watermelon with fish sauce??!???!!???!?? And I hate okra. I HATE OKRA. So to me those sides sound like the grossest grossness in the history of grossivity, and I kind of wish a stiff wind would knock over the table so nobody has to eat them. YUCK. Anyhoo, the meats are a hit, and the use of cilantro with watermelon is praised, but the Brussels sprouts are undercooked.


- White Team: Cute Chris, Ponytail Chris, and Beverly
- beer can chicken, dry rub brisket, Dr Pepper-and-coffee glazed ribs, baked beans, coleslaw
Yummmmm. Baked beans and coleslaw. Now THOSE are some sides, dammit. Load me up a plate or two. Or four. Funny: Ponytail Chris’s t-shirt says “I eat vegans.” Ha! Anyhoo, the chicken is accused of being roast-y, not bbq-y; the ribs of being too salty; the beans of being undercooked; and the brisket of being chewy. The white team also made a delicious watermelon lemonade; the judges bellyache that it needs some nasty alcohol. Oh stfu, you lushes.


- Red Team: Edward, Ty, Sarah
- Texas style chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs, salt-and-pepper brisket, homemade pickles, pinto beans with bacon, summer slaw, slice of white bread
Just before they serve, Sarah returns, recovered and ready to work. Yay! As Ed was so irritated about how much he and Ty had to do without her help, you’d think he’d be happy about this, but nope. Mad because she’s ruining the system he and Ty had come up with for serving the food, he’s being a supreme asshole to her. “It’s not Sarah’s fault that she got overheated,” Ty says. Exactly, Ty. And as it was Edward who once pointed out that “Heather’s being a complete bitch” to Bev, I don’t understand why he’s chosen to step into her Complete Bitch shoes. But back to the food. Baked beans and coleslaw again = another side dish win. And bread and pickles, too? Yum. (YES I’m fixating on the sides! It’s all I could eat at this WE DON’T CARE IF YOU STARVE TO DEATH, FILTHY VEGETARIAN!!! barbecue. So shut up.) Anyhoo, the rib flavor is great but the ribs are chewy, the brisket is yum, and the bread was a great idea. Oh—Edward makes a good point: Ty has immunity and Sarah was basically out sick, so if his team is in the bottom, he might be the one going home. Ok, that explains his irritation, but he still didn’t have to be such a dick to Sarah.

The blue team wins. Well, good job with your meats, guys, because it sure as effing ess was NOT those nasty ass sides. Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay are praised for thinking outside of the box and going Asian with their flavors. (DID YOU HEAR THAT, HEATHER?) Paul has now won a total of $35k. Lucky bastard!!!! The other two teams are in the bottom. Sarah’s chicken was more grilled instead of bbqd, and the skin wasn’t cooked. Ty’s ribs weren’t cooked right, and he was heavy-handed with the sauce. Ty and Ed’s coleslaw was unpleasantly minty. The brisket wasn’t cooked right; Ty and Edward explain that being down to two people was the reason they didn’t make it to order. Cute Chris’s Dr Pepper-and-coffee glaze was not a hit, and his sauce for the ribs was “salty beyond belief.” Bev’s coleslaw was too traditional and her beans were undercooked. Ponytail Chris’s chicken was roasted instead of bbqd.

And the person going home is … Cute Chris. Fine, but I’m not going to stop calling the other one Ponytail Chris.

I HATE OKRA.

In Top Chef: Last Chance Kitchen, it was Cute Chris vs Nyesha. NYESHA WINS. Again. Go girl!!!

Top Chef, 12/21/11

Product placement duty fell to Cute Chris this week; he makes the obligatory TOYOTA TOYOTA TOYOTA Siennas mention; then everybody hits the road headed for Austin. Padma and Tom inform the chefs that for this Quickfire, Twitter fans will decide what they must do. Oooooh, fun! I want some really crazy suggestions. Crazy — not gross. Please no “Everybody’s gotta cook monkey brains, like that scene in Indiana Jones!” Grayson’s hoping for no cupcakes; Sarah, for no baby food. Winner gets $10k but no immunity. The first tweet instructs everyone to make a bacon dish. (Vegetarian racism.) The second, to make hash a component of the dish. The third, to pick a pantry ingredient and give it to another chef to use. I’d be looking for something I’d never heard of and couldn’t pronounce, but they’re going easy on each other with items such as sriracha, maple syrup, limes, and scallions.

In the bottom are Grayson’s shrimp puff with crispy bacon hash cake — the puff was wet and heavy; Ponytail Chris’s corn puree, bacon and butter-poached potato hash, seared scallop — too salty; and Ed’s soft shell crabs, braised bacon and mustard, spread, potato and cocoa nib hash — he burned the hash. (Plus, potatoes + chocolate = effing GROSS). In the top are Beverly’s (and of course Heather looks mad about this) crispy pork belly with corn, habanero, and potato hash; Sarah’s burrata-stuffed squash blossom with bacon and zucchini hash (Time out. Burrata: Italian cheese made of mozzarella and cream. Time back in.); and Paul’s bacon fat, crispy bacon, clams, asparagus, and blackberries with chorizo and mushroom hash. And the winner is … Paul. Who’s super-stoked, cuz he hails from Austin. And who’s up to $30k in winnings, lucky bastard.

(When I first started watching Top Chef and similar shows, I used to feel sad about all the food that got wasted. Then I realized that the producers, camera guys, set directors, janitors, groundskeepers, personal assistants, lesser assistants, assistants’ friends, lighting crew, makeup peeps, etc., etc., probably cannot WAIT for each segment to wrap so they can chow the hell down on all the non-perfect food that didn’t make the cut. Eat up, people!!!)

After the Quickfire, the chefs relax in the hotel bar ... and are entertained by none other than cookbook author and singer extraordinaire, the awesome and amazing Patti LaBelle. WTF no fair I’m stupid jealous!!! She’ll be the guest judge. Padma informs the chefs that they must cook a meal for Ms. LaBelle (I can’t call her anything else) and friends that pays homage to the person who taught the chefs how to cook. Grayson thinks of her dad; Heather and Beverly, their moms; Cute Chris, an uncle; Ty, his Japanese nanny; and Sarah, Ponytail Chris, Paul, Lindsay, and Edward, their grandparents. Since they couldn’t afford meat, Edward’s grandma would cook a lot of meatless meals, so he’s doing a vegetarian dish. YAY!

- Heather: beef stroganoff with herb spaetzle and roasted wild mushrooms
- Ponytail Chris: lemon pepper NY strip steak with asparagus, carrots, mushroom, and fingerling potatoes with sour cream and bacon
- Paul: quail adobo with ginger rice green mango salsa
- Sarah: stuffed cabbage with pork sausage, spinach, and brown butter
- Beverly: braised short rib with edamame-scallion puree and mushrooms
- Cute Chris: salmon with confit potato and brown sugar-carrot-curry puree
- Lindsay: trout spanakopita with leeks and trout roe
- Ed: a take on bibimap: mushrooms, pickled carrots, pickled cucumbers, sautéed zucchini, fried egg, rice patty, with lemon chili sauce and nori
- Grayson: ribeye with grilled veggies and German potato salad
- Ty: buttermilk-battered chicken tenders fried in duck fat over pickled peaches

(Tom, in response to Patti LaBelle’s dinner invitation: “I’ll be there with bells on.” Ms. LaBelle: “With LA-bells on. Heeeeeeeeeeey!” ROFL.)

Grayson, Cute Chris, and Heather are in the bottom. Tom says there’s too much going on in Cute Chris’s dish and the salmon was cooked improperly; Emeril says there was too much dill; Padma says it was unappetizing. Grayson’s meat was "tough" and “stringy” and “gristle-y” and “sinewy.” Padma says Heather’s dumplings were dry, chewy, and overcooked; Emeril says he can’t recognize the cut of meat in her stroganoff; Ms. LaBelle says it was “bigfoot.” (Burn!!!) Heather says she should’ve used the pressure cooker but didn’t because it messed her duck up last time; Tom says, “Well, Beverly used the pressure cooker, and she’s not [in the bottom].” HA HA HA HAAAA! That was intentional. Tom specifically mentions the chef that Heather spent all last episode insulting. I effing love Tom.

Beverly, Sarah, and Ed are in the top. YAY Beverly and YAY Ed’s vegetarian dish!!!! All three dishes get glowing praise. And the winner, announces Ms. LaBelle, is … Sarah. Aw darn. Oh well. Good job, guys!

So clearly, the bottom two are Grayson and Heather. And ... Heather is sent home. If you ask me, she so rubbed the judges wrong way last week that they were quite ready for her to GTFO. Good, cuz so was I. Thank you for being an obnoxious racist bullying bitch, Heather!

In Last Chance Kitchen, it was Heather vs Nyesha. NYESHA WON. *does dance of joy*

Top Chef, 11/30/11

“So we get in our Toyota Siennas, heading to Dallas.” In case you missed that product placement, TOYOTA SIENNAS, TOYOTA SIENNAS, TOYOTA SIENNAS. (You’re welcome, Toyota. That’ll be $3,447.) On the road, we learn Cute Chris used to be a chubster (Former fattie high five.), Edward and his wife just had their first anniversary (Awww.), and Ty-lör has a boyfriend (and I HAVE THE WORLD’S WORST GAYDAR). Padma and guest chef New Orleans’ own John Besh (Love him!) interrupt the road trip for a side-of-the-road Quickfire. The contestants have 30 minutes to cook a meal using ingredients from survival kits full of packaged, canned, and dry foods; winner gets $5k and immunity.

Whitney and Lindsay are all blah blahblah blah these ingredients are so beneath me. Blah blah I would never cook with this. Which — DUH — is kind of the point. Time’s up! In my opinion, Edward pretty much blew everybody else’s cafeteria food creations outta the water with his Thai peanut soup, fried hominy, and nori-wrapped fried crab-and-artichoke cake. Did somebody slip him a gourmet basket instead of a survival kit? Cute Chris made me mad serving a dish with raw, underseasoned tofu. I hate tofu abuse. Winner: This-Is-Beneath-Me Lindsay, with her soup and sandwich: triple decker club of crackers with a tuna-sardine filling and French onion soup with Vienna sausage.

For the elimination challenge, the chefs have to cook the appetizers, entrees, and desserts for a progressive dinner party in some swanky Dallas neighborhood. Dakota’s mad cuz she once again is stuck making dessert, and after her colossal fail of a birthday cake in the quinceanera challenge, I can kind of see why. Hey, I like the wife at the entrée house. She reminded me of me: doesn’t like bell pepper and is not a fan of over-the-top adventurous foods. So no slimy octopus or lamb’s balls, guys. Ok, the wife at the entrée house reminds me of me, too. She hates spicy food and doesn’t eat meat. (Vegetarian high five.) Omg, ha! The dessert wife is like me, too! She’s suuuuuper tall. Seriously. She totally towers above everybody in the kitchen — including her husband. (Two-handed fellow giantess high five, and a chest bump!!!)

God, I am soooooooooo sick of having to hear a chef or two or three every season say they can’t make desserts. THIS IS SEASON NINE. If you haven’t figured out by now that you need to know how to make a dessert to compete on this show, you’re a moron.


Appetizers:
- Ponytail Chris – roast chicken with bread wrapped in braised collard greens
- Sarah – grilled artichokes with date puree
- Lindsay – roasted-and-raw beet salad with charred chickpeas and Greek vinaigrette (Gross.)
- Whitney – seared sea scallop over sweet corn with zucchini succotash
- Paul – fried Brussels sprouts with grilled prosciutto and crème fraiche (Omg. Must try frying Brussels sprouts asap.)

Entrees:
- Heather – garlic and rosemary grilled lambchops with garbanzo beans and mint chimichurri
- Chuy – sockeye salmon filets stuffed with goat cheese cream topped with avocado-cherry tomato relish
- Beverly – pan-seared scallops over polenta (Polenta gives my mouth orgasms.)
- Ty-lör – spice-rubbed grilled pork tenderloin over summer slaw topped with avocado-guacamole salsa and pineapple (Savory + sweet = YUCK.)
- Nyesha – roasted filet of beef with vegetable mélange and red wine sauce

WTF! WHY DID NOBODY MAKE A MEATLESS ENTRÉE FOR THE WIFE??? VEGETARIAN RACISM!!!


Desserts:
- Dakota – banana-Reese’s peanut butter cup bread pudding, banana-date milkshake in edible cups, banana mouuse
- Cute Chris – strawberry cupcake filled with chocolate frosting and banana cream, mint-chocolate chip ice cream
- Edward – panna cotta, cantaloupe consommé, raspberries stuffed with basil pudding
- Grayson – chocolate sponge cake, caramelized bananas, semifreddo

In the top are Sarah, Grayson, Paul, and Dakota. (Sarah actually says “Oh no” when Padma calls her name. Have a little more confidence, Sarah.) Dakota’s delicious bread pudding totally redeemed her after the birthday cake disaster, but Paul wins. Yay, yummy Brussels sprouts! Both of the Chrises, Ty, and Chuy are in the bottom. Cute Chris had too much on the plate. Gail mentioned the pineapple in Ty’s dish specifically. See? Savory + sweet = evil!!!! Chuy’s salmon was not cooked well. Ponytail Chris’s collard green cigar didn’t work at all. And … Chuy goes home. :( Shoulda gone meatless, Chuy.