Spartacus: A Place in this World, 2/3/12

Flashback:

Two slaves battle it out in the pits. One is a skinny young black kid with white mud smeared all over his face. He’s getting his narrow ass kicked, but suddenly he gets the upper hand and unexpectedly wins, impressing the slave owner, who sells him … to Batiatus the elder. The kid is a young Oenomaus.

Present day:

As Claudius frets about where Spartacus could be hiding, Lucretia says offering a sacrifice to the gods may help. He tells her to have at it. Meanwhile, Sparty and the boys raid a villa (and interrupt the master of the house busily raping his slaves), kill his guards, free his slaves, remove their collars, and arm them. During the row, Mira snatches up a sword and gets killtastic with one of the guards. GIRL POWER. Crixus interrogates the master about Navia’s whereabouts, then kills him. Good riddance. One of the newly freed slave girls, a shrewd blonde, advises Mira that hoping Sparty will fall in love with her is dangerous. (And futile. You'll recall that his wife once told him he’d never love another.) As Mira and Sparty lie together cuddling that night, one of the freed slaves, Tiberius, tries a pretty FAIL attempt at killing Sparty because Tiberius preferred being under the rule of his master. Idiot. Sparty orders his life spared. Crixus tells Tiberius if he tries that again, he’s dead. And then bitch-slaps him. LOL! Back at the house of Batiatus, as Lucretia is bathed, she fantasizes about the hot sex she unknowingly had with Sparty. Gaius interrupts the fun and orders her to see Lucretia to market in the morning to gather stuff for the sacrifice. Cut to: the pits, where Oenomaus is fighting, the white mud of his youth smeared all over his face. Full of shame over the fall of his beloved house of Batiatus, this is how he has chosen to meet his end. :(

Flashback:

The elder Batiatus shares a drink with young Oenomaus and encourages him to look within himself to find something to fight for.

Present day:

Oenomaus wins the fight. He tells the announcer dude to bring him a worthy opponent, dammit. Back at the villa, the gladiators are training the freed slaves; Sparty himself is practice-sparring with his would-be killer. In the marketplace, as Lucretia and Ilithia shop for a sacrifice, they’re surrounded by people wanting to be blessed by Lucretia. Ilithia goes off to chat with Seppia while Lucretia performs blessing duties. Seppia says something about not wanting to be married; it's too much responsibility. By which she probably means she wants to keep banging her brother. As they chat, a shrouded figure furtively passes Lucretia a note. At the house, Gaius asks Seppius if Seppius would be willing to lend his men to join in the search for Sparty; Seppius insults him, refuses, and leaves. Probably to go bang his sister. At the villa, Mira stops one of Crixus’s Crew having sex with Blondie; Blondie told her she should’ve butted out. It was consensual; she’s sleeping with him to gain favor, same as Mira is with Sparty.

Flashback:

Young Oenomaus has a B branded into his arm and pledges allegiance to the elder Batiatus, who says he will see much honor in the arena. So that’s why adult Oenomaus is so broken up over the fall of his master’s house. It was his whole life. Poor guy.

Present day:

Oenomaus loses his fight. Just as the opponent is about to strike a mortal blow, the shrouded figure kills him. “You!” Oenomaus gasps. Dammit, who IS this guy? At the house, Lucretia kills a goat. (Yuck.) As she is distracted with her barbaric little ceremony, Ilithia picks up the bloody knife and is about to send Lucretia to her gods when a slave enters to tell Ilithia that men are approaching. At the villa, Crixus brings the same news to Sparty. They send Tiberius out to meet the men and pretend all is well, that his master is simply away on routine whorebusiness. But just as the men are about to leave, Tiberius asks them to hold on a second. Thinking he’s about to betray them, Sparty et al. attaaaaaaaaack. During the brawl, Tiberius saves Sparty’s life, but Crixus still slams him into a wall afterward and demands to know why he didn’t let the men leave. Tiberius explains that he realized the men had noticed that he wasn't wearing his I’m-a-slave collar; if he hadn’t stopped them, they would have returned with more men. At the house, the shrouded figure arrives and presents to Gaius and Ilithia a bound and bleeding Oenomaus … and then removes his hood and OMG IT’S ASHUR!!!

Yes! I love Ashur. He’s so devious! Ok, is he really helping Gaius, or is he in cahoots with Sparty? And what did his note to Lucretia say?

Spartacus: Fugitivus, 1/27/12

Season two begins with a pile of dead bodies and “The house of Batiatus has fallen." We learn that Spartacus and the boys escaped and have been terrorizing the city of Capua for weeks. An annoyed young nobledude named Seppius has hired a gang of mercenaries to quell this most bothersome revolt. Too right, Seppius. Slaves not wanting to be slaves anymore is just ridiculous. I mean, what’s next? Electricity???? Anyhoo, the mercenaries FAIL, and Sparty and the boys make quick work of them after a bloody skirmish and rob the bodies of valuables and supplies. Sparty carves a message onto a mercenary’s chest.

Cut to Rome, where Claudius (I HATE HIM.) is chatting with a friend about war matters. His boss/father-in-law arrives just then, tells him that such discussions are moot when he can’t even stop a little slave uprising in Capua. By a gladiator who is openly mocking him by carving “Claudius” on dead bodies. (LOL. Nice touch, Sparty.) Pops tells Claudius to handle this little problem forthwith or rise no further in the senate. Later, Claudius and a pregnant Ilithia argue; she doesn’t want to go with him to Capua. He tells her she will, goshdarnit.

Sparty and the boys arrive at Headquarters Inside which Gladiators Hide (HIGH). (Where, I’m sad to see, the female slaves who escaped with them are all still barefoot, mostly naked, doing domestic duties, and relying on the men for food and survival. :( I know I’m being way too 2012 liberated feminist with this, but nobody wants to wear shoes, put on some real clothes, and strike out on her own?) Sparty passes out swords but, one of the slave girls (Sparty’s now-deceased BFF Varro's wife Aurelia) reminds him, they need food, not swords. Crixus’s peeps arrive just then, laughing, joking, and chowing down on vittles. Sparty asks where’s Crixus, is told he’s off trying to find Navia. (OMG PLEASE FIND HER!) Sparty orders their food split with everyone else; they don’t want to but eventually relent. Major tension between Spartacus Squad and Crixus Crew, yo. Crixus arrives later, says he’ll talk to his men about playing nice, and also that he won’t stop looking til he finds Navia. (YAY!) Sparty asks him about Doctore; Crixus says Doctore loved the ludus and probably doesn’t want to be reunited with those who brought about its downfall.

Cut to: disguised Doctore sitting in the crowds at the arena, intently watching a bloody battle. Up in the VIP box, as the VIPs bemoan how crappy the fighters are these days, we meet Seppius and his sister Seppia, who totally give off incest-is-best vibes. Doctore leaves but is recognized by a dude in the crowd … who later with a couple friends and unwisely tries to bring Doctore in for the reward money. In a fight that seems almost unfair, lol, Doctore easily kills them. HE’S DOCTORE, BITCH.

To honor Varro’s dying wish, Sparty gives Aurelia all the money he’s managed to steal and sends her off to find her son and buy them safe passage to faraway lands. Then Spartacus Squad and Crixus Crew head to a whorehouse that the guy who sold Navia frequents. Crixus get a good lead on his lost love, and everyone finds out that Claudius et al. are coming for them.


Claudius et al. arrive at the house of Batiatus. It’s a blood-smeared wrecked mess, and Ilithia is furious about having to stay there. Claudius tells her to STFU and get busy putting the house right. Ilithia discovers none other than by-some-miracle-still-alive Lucretia wandering around, dirty and driven mad. (Good. I HATE HER.) Ilithia yells at Claudius to kill “it”
(because, you’ll remember, Lucretia knows Ilithia killed Likinia), but his fellow soldier suggests she be shown to the people of Capua as a symbol that a woman escaped Sparty, so obviously Sparty’s not all that. Claudius agrees; Ilithia is re-furious. As Lucretia is bathed, Ilithia notices a scar on Lucretia’s lower abdomen. (When season one ended, Lucretia was preggo.) She asks Lucretia about the scar, about how she survived the uprising, and about Likinia. Lucretia can’t answer the first two and thinks Likinia is still alive. Which pleases Ilithia immensely.


Back at HIGH, Doctore shows up, warns everyone about the small army Claudius has brought, and advises everyone to get while the getting is good. Then after telling them not to call him Doctore anymore, The Artist Formerly Known As Doctore leaves. Crixus tells Sparty that going after Claudius is stupid and Sparty should leave along with Crixus Crew. But Claudius is, of course, the man responsible for Sparty becoming a slave/losing his wife, so Sparty wants his head, dammit. Later, Mira implores Sparty to leave with Crixus to avoid a bunch of needless death; he assures her he doesn’t want to see anyone die for him; they get it on. The next morning, she wakes to find him gone.

Oh snap. He’s at a gathering of the townspeople, waiting as Seppius blathers on (as Seppia practically drools with lust) for the arrival of Claudius with a murderous gleam in his eye. Claudius arrives and parades out Lucretia. The little stunt has the desired effect on the crowd and completely shocks Sparty—and then he’s again startled when Claudius has a bound, bruised, and bleeding Aurelia brought out. As Claudia promises to torture her until she talks, Sparty grabs his sword and attaaaaaaaaaacks! He puts up a good fight, even slicing Claudius’s arm, but he’s quickly surrounded. Just as he’s about to be seized, the other gladiators arrive, YAY!, and the brawl begins. Crixus sees Lucretia, looks even more shocked than Sparty did, and has a momentary flashback about cutting her stomach. (What? I need that explained, please.) Crixus yells some sense into Sparty; the gladiators grab Aurelia retreat.

Back at HIGH, Mira is pissed and yelling at Sparty; Sparty’s all, but I can’t let Claudius live! Then Crixus punches Sparty in the face and explains that the only reason he showed up was to stop the Claudius assassination, which would result in Rome sending thousands and thousands and thousands of soldiers to stamp out the rogue-gladiator problem; then Crixus’d never find Navia. Aurelia has Sparty called to her side, makes him promise to stay away from her son, then dies. Which was completely bitchy, but makes Sparty decide to give up his desire to kill Claudius—until Sparty has a properly trained army, that is.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/26/11

For the challenge to determine who will win it all, the final three must make a display table featuring:
- showpiece
- bread element
- entremet cake (I love the yummy vocabulary this show has taught me.)
- bon bon
- and …

Johnny gets choked up remembering how he got to make his mother’s last birthday cake — Awwwww. How precious. I hug him through the tv screen. — then explains that they must also make a dessert for someone special in their lives. Hot Matthew and Chris have wives; I guess single Sally’s gonna go the mom route.
Then Jacques Torres, Sébastien Canonne, and Stephane Treand (automatic cool points for having a rhyming name!), giants in the pastry industry, enter. (YAY I GET TO HEAR FRENCH ACCENTS. Although my fave is still British.) They will be judging later, but for now providing input and being all mentor-like.


I’m so professionally jealous. What I wouldn’t give for, say, Stephen King to stop by and give me writing advice on my novel. Lucky damn dawgs. Wait—then I’m less jealous, because the three don’t just advise and leave; they stand around and watch Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally cook. Nervewracking!!! But then they start helping. Stephane even washes dishes. Oh, you endearingly endearing Frenchies. The next day, all the eliminated contestants have returned to help. Hot Matthew gets Megan and Carlos, Chris gets Amanda and Rebecca (whose arm is STILL in a cast?!????), and Sally gets Van and Orlando. This latter selection makes her quite happy cuz he’s strong where she’s weak: showpieces.

Ok, I’m calling not-rightness. In every challenge when a showpiece had to be built, Chris and Orlando went head to head, cuz they’re the most skilled showpiecers. So it’s entirely unfair that Orlando is making Sally’s showpiece. Yes it’s her design; he’s just putting it together, but the challenge isn’t draw the best showpiece; it’s build the best showpiece. And Sally ain’t building nada. Hot Matthew and Chris are making theirs; Sally should have to make hers. This is cheating. Hot Matthew: “Chris’s showpiece is like, holy shit! As well as Orlando’s-I-mean-Sally’s.” Carlos: “I give Matt a lot of credit because he made his own showpiece … unlike some others.” Yeah, reason #42 I don’t want Sally to win.


Hot Matthew:
- entremet cake: hazelnut dacquois, raspberry and passion fruit gelee, milk jam, dark chocolate cremeux, milk chocolate whipped cream
- bread: focaccia bread with fresh thyme, olive oil, salt, and pepper
- bon bon: key lime BBs sitting on speculoos. Gail had never heard of speculoos, so she learned as new word.
- dessert: dark chocolate cake, raspberry mousse, cookies, pecan streusel, milk ice cream


Because the judges by now know Orlando’s work when they see it, Johnny asks Sally how much help she had on the showpiece. She readily admits Orlando built the whole thing, but says it was her design.
- entremet cake: chocolate caramel mouse, mango Bavarian, caramel cremeux, almond sponge cake
- bread: parker house roll w bacon, onion, gruyere
- bon bon: salted caramel milk chocolate BBs
- dessert: white chocolate espresso mousse and cashew nougatine inside a chocolate dome, chocolate cremeux, white chocolate espresso


Johnny points out that one of the brioches has fallen off Chris’s showpiece. Chris counters with “I made this myself. There was no help.” Exactly. Who cares if Sally’s piece was perfect? SHE DIDN’T MAKE IT.
- entremet cake: salty sugar dough, chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, vanilla cremeux, raspberry jam
- bread: brioche w maple bacon butter
- bon bon: coffee infused ganache and caramel BBs
- dessert: banana caramel inside butter almond cake topped with banana tuile and banana ice cream, with deglazed mango sauce

I do not envy the judges this decision at all.

Hot Matthew gets points for originality with speculoos. Johnny doesn’t get why he made a sugar showpiece if he’s better with chocolate, but Danielle says it looked like a love letter to his wife. His dessert gets knocked cuz it was confusing. Sally’s flow of color is praised.
She’s asked why she let Orlando do all the work. She says again that it was her idea and technique; he just put it together. Her dessert gets knocked cuz the mousse was seeping out of the dome. Chris’s showpiece gets knocked for the one falling brioche. (GET OVER IT.) His dessert gets high praise. They leave. Judges deliberate. They come back. Once again, all the eliminated contestants are there. (Ha ha haaa! Ok, this is just mean. It’s one thing to have to help the final three cook; it’s quite another to have to stand there and watch somebody else win.) And the winner is …

… Chris! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Yaaaaaaay! Good for him! YAY!

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/19/11

Hot Matthew and Chris are eating breakfast. Hot Matthew says he’s going to have some Cap’n Crunch in honor of Carlos, eliminated last episode, who loved using it as an ingredient. I’m 1. suddenly craving breakfast cereal and 2. wondering why they have to blur the boxes if we already know what’s being eaten. Then Chris makes Hot Matthew and me LMAO and says he’s going to pour out a little Cap’n Crunch for Carlos. (For those of you unschooled in ghetto culture: when one of your homies dies, you pour out a little of your 40-ounce malt liquor in his memory.) Ha ha hahahaha ha! Oh please, oh please let Chris or Hot Matthew win.


Nope, no Quickfire. There are only four contestants left, so this ish just got real. For their last elimination before the finale, Gail informs the chefs, they must make a dessert inspired by international cuisine. Chris chooses France; Orlando, Spain; Hot Matthew, Italy; and Sally, Cuba. (Funny how they all pick countries that it kinda sorta looks like they come from. Well — except Orlando, lol. But his name sounds Spanish.)


Suzanne Goin is the guest judge, which confuses Sally, cuz Susan’s a savory chef.
We learn why she’s here when Gail tells them that the dessert has to look just like a famous savory dish from the country they chose. Oh? Coooooooooooooooooooooooool!!!!! We’re shown two examples: a “pork chop” made of cake and “buffalo wings” made of fondant. My head explodes. Holy crap, it looks so authentic! This is going to be fun.

How ironic that Carlos did this very same thing in the last challenge. I pour out a little Mountain Dew for Carlos.

Orlando makes me dislike him a little less when he discusses how his family rejected him when he came out of the closet. :( Let me just say right now to my future children: Mommy will always, always love you, no matter what. Sorry you had to go through that, Orlando. Now please don’t make me re-dislike you fully by not following directions on yet ANOTHER dessert.

What time is it? Johnny time! Chris, who has France, tells Johnny he’s making fake Beef Wellington, which gives Johnny pause. “Isn’t that English?” he asks. Uh oh. Is it? I hit up Wikipedia … and am left hella confused.
- “There are theories that suggest that beef Wellington is named after Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington.” Ok, so then it’s British?
- “Other accounts simply credit the name to a patriotic chef wanting to give an English name to a variation on the French filet de bœuf en croûte during the Napoleonic Wars.” Ok, so then it’s French-inspired?
- “It was invented for a civic reception in Wellington, New Zealand.” Ok, so then it’s Kiwi?
Oh, screw this. If the historians can’t agree, I’m giving the pastry chef a pass. One of the three countries laying claim is France, so go for it, Chris.


Hot Matthew made fake manicotti:
- pasta tube: carved crème fraiche cake
- filling: mascarpone mousse
- tomato sauce: strawberry-lemon compote
- parmesan cheese: white chocolate
- garnish: basil gelee
The judges love the look but say it’s very one textural and lacks complexity. I DON’T CARE GIVE IT TO ME NOW I WANT IT IN MY MOOOOOOOOOUTH.



Chris’s French/English/Kiwi fake Beef Wellington is up next:
- puff pastry: storebought puff pastry
- beef: entremet of dark chocolate mousse, vanilla cremeux, and raspberry jam
- gravy: salted caramel sauce
Gail says she thought Beef Wellington was British; Johnny explains the French tie-in. Yay! Thanks, Johnny. I would have been pissed if Chris had been knocked for that. The judges love it.


Orlando made fake paella:
- rice: coconut and saffron rice
- mussel: tuile
- sausage: roasted beets
- fish: compressed plums
Wow, he actually followed directions! And it looks great. (But to me, it sounds the least desserty of the four. Yuck. Me not want at all.) Most of the judges like it, though Suzanne says the beets don’t go with the rest of it.




Sally made a fake Cuban sandwich with plantain chips and fake potato salad:
- bread: brioche
- pickles: dyed pineapple
- pork: cream cheese mousse
- ham: strawberry caramel
- potatoes: banana and pineapple
- celery: Asian pear
“Cuuuuute,” Gail sings when she sees it. One of the judges says that this is the first dish that visually nailed it for him (Were his eyes closed during Hot Matthew’s service????) and that it tastes good. Suzanne says the mousse doesn’t look like pork; Johnny says it’s messy. (Since the challenge was not “Make neat-to-eat food,” that doesn’t seem like a fair criticism.)

Chris’s looked the most real, but not making his own puff pastry was a bad move. Hot Matthew’s looked great but was safe and simple. (BOO!) Orlando’s was imaginative, but the rice wasn’t cooked right. The mousse was a downer, but Sally’s sandwich and salad were “pretty close to perfect.” And the winner is … Sally. EFF. Hot Matthew got robbed. Chris is safe. Oh no, it’s between Hot Matthew and Orlando. *panicked, worried, nervous* YES!!!!!

Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally in the finale. That rhymes.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/12/11

Ha ha haha ha! I’m so immature. That classic Cartman quote is the first thing I thought of when Gail instructs the final five that the Quickfire challenge is making a pie. (South Park > Family Guy.) Making a pie using only one hand, that is. Despite that, it better be their goodest, bestest pie ever, because the winner gets $5,000. Chris, who we learned has a daughter in need of heart surgery that’s going to cost roughly five times that, is eager to win.
Ok, I’m still Team Hot Matthew, because I am shallow and a sucker for a pretty face, but I will also be pleased if either Chris or Carlos, who has SIX DAMN KIDS TO FEED, wins. Which totally works, cuz I totally do not like Orlando or Sally. Guest judge this time around is “the king of macaroons” Francois Payard.

Ok, this is highly entertaining. In lieu of the off-limit arm, Hot Matthew is using his feet; Orlando, his knee; Carlos, his mouth … and big belly. LOL. After futilely trying to wrangle a vanilla bean with a huge knife, Hot Matthew says, “F*ck that; I’m using extract.” LOL. Uh oh — as he’s torching his meringues, he momentarily forgets the restriction and uses his other arm to move the plate.

- Orlando: raspberry, blueberry, strawberry, and blackberry pie
- Sally: double crusted plum-strawberry pie. She adds ice cream just before the
judges get their eat on. (We all remember that Chris was once disqualified for garnishing at the last minute [root veggie Quickfire], but I guess that was cuz he was adding the ingredient he was required to cook with, which amounts to cooking after time was called. Sally, however, is just adding a random ice cream scoop.)
- Chris: banana cream pie with banana caramel
- Carlos: raspberry lemon meringue pie
- Hot Matthew: DISQUALIFIED, for illegal use of off-limit hand! He’d made rhubarb pie with toasted meringue. As I said when Chris was DQed, I am greedy, so I at least would have tasted what he made.


Sally and Chris are in the bottom. Orlando and Carlos are in the top. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

Elimination:
Dana Cowin, editor-in-chief of Food Magazine (I. WANT. HER. JOB.) will be hosting a carnival, at which the chefs must serve a classic carnival treats that they’ve transformed into upscale desserts. Let me emphatically state right now that if anybody chooses funnel cake, he or she better by-god get it right. I loooooove funnel cake, and I hated when Amanda’s didn’t turn out right in the water park challenge.


Sally picks caramel corn; Hot Matthew, fried apple pies; Orlando, candy apples; Chris, funnel cake ice cream! WOOT! — and Carlos, desserts that look like carnival food. During Johnny’s walk-through, he has sage advice for them all, the sagest of which is when he warns Orlando that his dessert isn’t very much like a candy apple. Surely, after Orlando got reamed in the water park challenge for serving a re-imagined root beer float that was NOTHING like a root beer float, he’ll take Johnny’s advice to heart.

- Sally: white corn brown butter cake with corn pudding and peanut ice cream over caramel corn. (YUCK.) The judges question the inadequate sugar level in her pudding.
- Carlos: passion fruit pâte de fruit toppd with strawberry between two little sesame angel food cakes, and on the side, churros standing up in a cup. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A BURGER AND FRIES! How imaginative! “Playful,” says Payard.

- Oh boy, it’s funnel cake time! Chris: funnel cake, funnel cake ice cream with crumbled sable breton, agar strawberry jelly, cooked strawberries, mint foam. Too busy, say the judges. I'm not happy to see his funnel cake isn't dusted with powdered sugar. Funnel cakes need powdered sugar.
- Hot Matthew: mini caramel apple empanada with apple carpaccio and vanilla ice cream. Holy god, I want to lick the tv screen. I repeat: lick. the. tv. screen.
- Orlando: a chocolate apple entremet consisting of a chocolate biscuit soaked in apple martini mix, chocolate mousse, apple spiced gelee, vanilla creme brulee and a layer of chocolate mousse with chocolate crunchies. Um … WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY GOD DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A CANDY APPLE? He did it again! He did it again! Dana Cowin actually has to ask what carnival dessert was his inspiration. Hubert and ponytail say that it lacks some texture.

Hot Matthew and Sally are in the top. Sally? YUCK. But it was cute how she’s so short he could kiss the top of her head, heh. I’m 6’2; nobody ever kisses the top of my head. Hot Matthew wins! YAAAY!


Orlando, Carlos, and Chris are in the bottom. (Ok, this is the second time that funnel cake has been someone's downfall. It is officially on the list of desserts never to be attempted again.) Nobody understands why Orlando’s dessert lacked caramel and was overwhelmingly chocolatized. Carlos’s was fun, “the best idea of the night,” but his angel food buns were too sticky, the burger fell apart, and the “fries” were cold. Chris’s had too much going on, the funnel cake was bland (read: needed powdered sugar), and the agar jelly was weird.

Carlos goes home. :( :( :( It should have been Orlando!

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/5/11

Be gone, bad memories of last week’s yuck episode! For we are emphatically back to yum. Quickfire: everybody has to make a doughnut. Yay!

Wait — time out. Past guest judges Hugh Acheson, Ad Rock, and Jordan Khan are cuties, and this week’s guest judge, doughnut dude Mark Israel, is a total hunk, too. High five, Gail! Because I know she’s behind this. I can totally see her texting the guys’ headshots to Padma, with “U r so jealous!” Padma is so going to retaliate with a shirtless male model episode on the upcoming season of Top Chef Texas.

Ok, time back in. But this can’t be just any doughnut. It has to be worthy of $10,000! The chefs are all elated about this — then Johnny (whose headshot was also texted to Padma) enters and bursts everyone’s happy bubble: the loser of this Quickfire is going home. Oh snap! Who will create a delectable doughnut of dollars, and who will create a dastardly doughnut of devastation???? The chefs get to work.


- Katzie: beignet filled w date ganache fried in a cocoa batter rolled in nuts
- Carlos: orange and lemon zest bombolinis filled w passion fruit cream
- Orlando: spiced banana beignet
- Megan: cake doughnut w honey cardamom glaze
- Chris: citrus churros w raspberry jam
- Sally: espresso glazed doughnut w caramelized cashews
- Hot Matthew: ginger beignet w caramel and whipped javara cream

Drool drool drool *stomach growl* drool mouth-watering scrumptiousness NOM NOM NOM.


Sally and Carlos are the favorites. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaay! I hate Sally cuz she’s always hating on Katzie. Carlos, who has six damn kids to feed, nearly passes out from joy. Go Carlos! Megan is in the bottom; her doughnut was overglazed. OH NO, Hot Matthew is in the bottom, too. His sauce and doughnut were too much sweetness, and his cream added nothing. Orlando is in the bottom; the cardamom in his doughnut was undetectable. Orlando, who is incapable of taking criticism, says he didn’t promise a cardamom doughnut. Johnny says he couldn’t taste any spice, period. They argue. I cross my fingers and hope he gets sent home. Alas! It’s Megan. I liked her. :(


Elimination:
The chefs are split into two teams of three. They must make a “magnificent” chocolate showpiece plus an individual dessert. And they’ll be serving their desserts to each other and critiquing each other’s food. Red Team: Chris, Hot Matthew, Katzie. Blue Team: Orlando, Sally, Carlos. Chris and Orlando will be working on the showpiece for their teams. Chris: “My showpiece really doesn’t have a name or a theme; it’s just contemporary.” Orlando: “The theme to the showpiece is telling a story from where chocolate started off from a cocoa pod.” You say “proud of his work”; I say “pretentious.” Then Orlando says he always incorporates height because “I like my showpieces like I like my men: tall.” Wait — men???? I HAVE THE WORLD’S WORST GAYDAR. :(


Red Team:
- Chris: chocolate cream-filled chocolate brioche drizzled with butter and brown sugar topped w nutella crunch served w vanilla ice cream
- Hot Matthew: chocolate tart over liquid caramel w chocolate chibouse, compressed cherries served w chocolate sorbet
- Katzie: boca negra torte w praline-milk chocolate mousse, jasmine-and-passion fruit curd, candied violets, and whipped cream glace

Blue Team:
- Orlando: milk chocolate sorbet between puff pastry over mango coulis w cocoa sorbet
- Sally: manjari caramel mousse, spiced caramel cream, passion fruit gelee
- Carlos caramelized cremeux, chocolate mousse, peanut butter pudding, caramelized banana

Drool drool drool *stomach growl* drool mouth-watering scrumptiousness NOM NOM NOM.

I’m so not going to bother mentioning all the bullcrap criticism each team had for the other team’s showpiece and desserts. It was just a bunch of gratuitous nobody’s-is-as-good-as-mine bashing. For example, Orlando blathers on and on AND ON AND ONNNNNNNNNN about not liking the appearance of Katzie’s dessert. *eye roll* Moving on.


Judging:
Orlando, Sally, and Carlos win! Carlos had a very good day today.

Guest judge Wiley Dufresne (Every time he pops up as a judge I think the same thing: I love his name.) tells Chris that the texture of his dessert was strange. Johnny tells Katzie he couldn’t taste any jasmine her dessert. The judges felt that Hot Matthew’s dessert was too sweet.

Katzie is sent home. Darn! I’ve been Team Katzie ever since she won the Willie Wonka challenge. Guess I’m now officially Team Hot Matthew.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/28/11

Quickfire
For this challenge, guest-judged by the VERY cute Jordan Khan, the chefs have to incorporate a root vegetable into a dessert. Gross. Rebecca, who knows nada about root veggies, says “I’m sick to my stomach nervous.” Well I'm sick to my stomach, period. I get that the contestants’ creativity has to be tested, but this is very much not going to be as fun as the make-your-own-candy-bar Quickfire. I hate, hate, HATE the combination of savory and sweet. I HATE IT.

The chefs get their harvest on and dig up:
- Carlos: celery root
- Chris: jicama
- Orlando: radish
- Hot Matthew: parsnip
- Rebecca: potato
- Katzie: turnip
- Megan: something unidentifiable. Poor thing, she just stares at it. “It’s a burdock root,” Gail informs her. Megan is still clueless (as am I). “A what?” she asks, mystified. “A burdock root,” Gail says more slowly. I’m now rooting for Megan to win this, since she unearthed the weird one that the Top Chef Just Desserts peeps clearly included only so they could sound fancy.
- Sally: turmeric


As all the chefs stand there looking like they’d rather hurl their veggies through a window than cook with them — Seriously. They’re grimacing and frowning, lol. — Gail reveals the reason for the difficulty of the challenge: winner gets immunity … and $5,000. Suddenly, root veggies are celebrated and much loved. Whatever. This is still going to be YUCK, from start to finish.

- Rebecca’s inspiration was eating a Frosty with French fries from Wendy's. (I immediately gag. This is a battle I have fought with friends for years. That combination of foods is EFFING DISGUSTING. This episode is seriously grossing me out.) She made shoestring fried potatoes with chocolate sauce and malted ice cream. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. Then inexplicably, she says “I can’t cook to save my life.” Huh? We know she means savory foods and not desserts, but still. Gail: “You shouldn’t say that on national television. On a cooking show.” Yeah, DUH, Rebecca. (Katzie silently LOLs.)

- Megan made a burdock root-five spice fritter with candied burdock root compote. Now, that actually sounds edible. And very inventive, for unlike Rebecca, Megan didn’t just put the veg on a plate and add chocolate. *shudder* I’m still Team Katzie, since Katzie won the Willie Wonka challenge, but Megs is growing on me.


- Katzie made soy milk panna cotta with mascarpone cream, caramel honey, turnip chips, almonds, and honey and orange blossoms. (Ugh. Katzie is one of those people who say “carr-mel” instead of “care-uh-mel.” Ugh.) I thought it looked edible; Sally says it looks like “a melty blob on the plate.” Sally has really been hating on Katzie ever since the Willie Wonka win.
- Chris gets eliminated when he puts his fried jicama on the plate in front of the judges, since that counts as cooking after time was called. Poor guy, out of the running for $5K. (I’m food-greedy, so I still would have at least tasted his dish if I were the judges. I’m also money-greedy, so I would have pitched a bitch-fit if I were Chris.)
- Carlos made celery root in three textures: frozen celery root granita, pickled celery root, and celery root chips with peanut butter pudding. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING.
- Hot Matthew made a caramelized parsnip cake with banana puree. Sounds edible. (Yay! Hot Matthew says “care-uh-mel-ized” instead of “carr-mel-ized.” Yay!)
- Sally made a mango pudding with turmeric topped with curry popcorn, pine nuts, and Thai basil. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. And if you ask me, hers looks like a melty blob too, but in orange.
- Orlando made a peach and radish crumble with vanilla bean sherbet. Edible.

Rebecca and Carlos are in the bottom. Hot Matthew and Sally are on the top. (Megan got robbed!) Sally’s orange blob wins. Whatever. I wouldn’t eat ANY of that crap. This challenge was the opposite of delicious. Moving on.


Elimination:
Gail is joined by the Beastie Boys’ Ad Rock. COOL! But then, YUCK again. The chefs have to choose from foods mentioned in BB songs and use two in a dessert. Orlando: “What the f*ck are we going to do with all this shit.” Exactly, my brother. Exactly. Then, everyone has to pick a third ingredient for someone else. “A bit of sabotage,” says Ad Rock. (I see what he did there!)

- Megan selects whiskey and brass monkey. Katzie gives her onions.
- Hot Matthew selects whiskey and cornbread. Chris gives him potatoes and gravy — then worries that that might send his friend home. If it does, I’ll kill you, Chris.
- Carlos selects popcorn and bacon. Sally gives him cucumber.
- Chris selects pizza and pork & beans. Megan gives him ravioli.
- Sally selects cheddar cheese and prosciutto. Carlos gives her chicken.
- Katzie selects butter and fries. Orlando gives her gorgonzola and provolone.
- Orlando selects coffee & cream and rum. Hot Matthew gives him peas.
- Rebecca selects a 40 ounce and some ham. (Aka, breakfast in the ghetto.) Sally gives her falafel.

Gross nasty gross nasty YUCK. :( This episode is like the nightmare bizzaro offspring of Top Chef and Top Chef Just Desserts. I know, I KNOW: it’s forcing the contestants to step outside of their comfort zone. That doesn’t make it any less gross. Let’s skip to the judging so we can be done with this disgusting unappetizingness, shall we? I’m sorry, but savory+sweet is severely gross to me, and I just don’t care. :(

-- fast forwarding --

Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca are in the bottom. Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally are in the top. And I just want to call attention to this exchange:
- Chris (uber-relieved): “I’m going to go throw up now.”
- Gail: “You are not allowed to throw up, because you did not eat what we ate.”
WELL IF YOU DON’T WANT VOMIT-INDUCING NASTINESS, THEN DON’T MAKE THE CHEFS COOK DESSERTS WITH GORGONZOLA, ONIONS, AND FALAFEL! IN THE FUTURE, IF YOU WANT THEM TO STEP OUTSIDE OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE, MAKE THEM USE NEW COOKING TECHNIQUES OR WORK ONE HANDED OR SOMETHING! YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT! GOT THAT?

-- fast forwarding --

Hot Matthew wins. Wow! With whiskey, cornbread, potatoes, and gravy??? Impressive. Very, very impressive, Hot Matthew. (I don’t have to kill you, Chris.)

-- fast forwarding --

Rebecca gets sent home.

Let’s do better next week, Top Chef Just Desserts. Not that you can do worse.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/21/11

Quickfire:
Wait. Can I have another Willie Wonka-themed episode? No? *pouts* Ok, ok.

Quickfire:
Gail and guest judge pastry chef Pichet Ong inform the chefs that they must create a new candy bar. Nice. (I will be assigning Winner In My Book Awards [WIMBAs] to whoever does NOT use nuts. Because I BLOODY EFFING HATE NUTS.) As the chefs rattle off the delicious ingredients and flavor combinations they’re using, I wonder for the 500th time why come every pastry chef is not morbidly obese. Chris says he’s making two candy bars instead of one, and I’m reminded of something Tom Colicchio said once on Top Chef after a contestant made two bad ceviches: don’t do two things mediocrely when you can do one thing well. Yes, I paraphrased that, and no, “mediocrely” is not a word. Omg, surprise niceness! Rebecca, whose arm is still in a cast, is struggling mightily and dropping liquid nitrogen vats all over the place, and Orlando, of all people, helps her finish her candy bar. He comes across as such an insufferably self centered know-it-all that I was pretty shocked by that. Good lookin’ out, Orlando.


- Katzie: brown butter and caramelized banana jasmine curd with dark chocolate and praline crunch
- Carlos: peanut butter crisp with fudge cake and banana pudding covered in chocolate and topped with chocolate pop rocks (WIMBA!)
- Sally: peanut butter, puffed forbidden rice, cocoa nibs, milk chocolate ganache (WIMBA!) Katzie observes that Sally used forbidden rice only cuz she knows Pinchet really likes it. Clever girl, that Sally.
- Hot Matthew: hazelnut feulletine praline with orange vanilla chocolate crème anglaise
- Carlos: blackberry port jam in chocolate ganache (WIMBA!)
- Chris: white chocolate with banana caramel, milk chocolate with chocolate ganache and nuts—and both are delicious and not made mediocrely.

- Amanda: earl gray tea white chocolate ganache with bitter orange caramel in chocolate (WIMBA!) Observation: Amanda looks a lot like Katy Perry.
- Megan: peanuts, peanut butter, butter caramel, ginger, and feulletine in dark chocolate
- Rebecca: granola, panna cotta, orange marmalade in white chocolate (WIMBA!)

Hot Matthew and Katzie are in the bottom; Sally and Rebecca are in the top. Rebecca thanks Orlando for his assistance. Sally wins; she has immunity.

Elimination:
Team challenge. The teams must make refreshing and summery desserts for people at a water park. Prediction time! Some desserts will
#1 melt in the heat
#2 be neither refreshing nor summery
An argument breaks out over who all will use the two ice cream machines when and in what order. Oh hello, prediction #1.

Let us pause for reflection. Why are there only two ice cream machines on a tv show about dessert-making? What if there’s, oh, I don’t know, a summer-desserts challenge? Or an ice cream challenge? This makes no sense to me. I guess the lack of equipment is intentional, so that we can enjoy the drama as it’s-my-turn! squabbles and fights break out. Katzie and Carlos eventually worked it out, but for a second there, it was intense. Well — as intense as pastry chefs can get, that is.


Johnny time! He is worried by Carlos’s dessert. The dessert Katzie is making, it turns out, is inspired by the spumoni at a restaurant whose owners Johnny knows personally. “Uh oh! You better make it good, girl!” laughs Rebecca. Johnny’s impressed that Amanda’s making funnel cake. As Johnny watches, Katzie runs over to save her ice cream, which is spilling out of the machine cuz she forgot to close the door. Day Two: Katzie: “I’m nervous because we’re serving frozen treats at a water park, and heat can always be a problem when it comes to desserts.” Oh hello, prediction #1. Sally admits she has a lesbian crush on Amanda. (Whatever. Show me more of the Hot Matthew-Chris bromance, dammit.)

The chefs head for the water park, and I am LOLed at seeing them in their chef’s coats … over short shorts.

- Chris made passion mixer with ginger fizz. He pours servings through a huge block of ice. It’s boiling hot out, so the judges love that. Johnny: “Well done, chefs.” Dannielle: “It’s hot out here, and this is refreshing.” But then Johnny critiques: “As much as it is acidic and tart, I have a stickiness at the back of my throat now when I’m done, and that’s definitely from the sugar.”
- Orlando made what he’s calling a root beer float-inspired dessert: chocolate vanilla cake brownie in steeped milk with nutmeg and root beer foam. The judges say it ain’t at all summery or refreshing. I completely agree. And hello, prediction #2. Orlando explains that he was trying to get away from the traditional root beer float; Johnny says then he shouldn’t have called it that.
- Hot Matthew makes the judges wait, quite impatiently, as he prepares his take on strawberry shortcake: yellow butter cake, whole milk ice cream, sautéed strawberries, and strawberry jus. Gail says the strawberries should have been cold and fresh instead of hot and cooked.


- Rebecca made lemon ice cream between two snickerdoodles dipped in white chocolate, with crushed lemon drops. Dannielle loves it mucho.
- Megan made a strawberry soda float with peach-and-basil sorbet. Johnny praises her for making basil kid-friendly and delicious; Gail says the strawberry was a bit too sweet.
- Katzie made spumoni with a twist: baked Alaska on a stick with a fizzy cherry. Dannielle calls it nuanced and sophisticated.


- Carlos made a Cap’n Crunch popsicle dipped in white chocolate and sprinkled with Fruity Pebbles. Rolled in Frosted Flakes, tossed in Apple Jacks, and adorned with Fruit Loops. I made that last part up. Pichet says it ain’t at all summery or refreshing. Re-hello, prediction #2.
- Sally made a healthy berry smoothie (I knew it would suck the second I heard “healthy”) with honey and vanilla bean and white chocolate Rice Krispies. Johnny says he would have preferred fruit- instead of chocolate-flavored Krispies. Sally, who has immunity, probably isn’t even listening.
- Amanda made funnel cake with pineapple jam and coconut sorbet. The judges didn’t like how it got severely unfresh as it waited to be eaten.

Ok so, I was wrong about #1, but spot-on with #2.


Judging:
Top: Megan, Katzie, and Rebecca are the winning team. Pichet proclaims Katzie the winner. She is uber-relieved, admitting that she was hellified nervous about serving her dessert to Johnny. But dude was chowing down on it at the water park, so he was clearly pleased. This is two wins in a row for her. Team Katzie!

Bottom: everybody else sucked. Sally’s smoothie is, as expected, hated upon. Sally, who has immunity, probably isn’t even listening. Carlos’s dessert was too sweet, and Pichet doesn’t like his overuse of breakfast cereals. Amanda let her funnel cake sit too long before serving it. She explains that she had to wait as her two teammates went first; Johnny says she should have spoken up. I gotta agree. I totally would’ve pulled a Hot Matthew and made them impatiently wait while I prepared my dish fresh.


Gail asks Orlando why he thinks his team’s in the bottom. He replies that he is uncertain. Oh, come on. I get that he has a huge ego, but see above. His and Hot Matthew’s dishes were very much misses and not hits, and Chris’s was only partially a hit. As Orlando well knows. Gail’s facial expression made it pretty clear that his answer annoyed her, LOLOLOL. Dannielle explains that their desserts weren’t practical to the environment. Chris begs to differ about his dessert; Johnny counters that it was sticky and syrupy, which is not refreshing. The judges give Orlando another try: Dannielle asks him if he would change any of the components of his dish. He says no. *eye roll* Pichet says he would’ve loved Hot Matthew’s strawberry shortcake in a restaurant but not at a water park on a scorching hot day.

Hot Matthew, Sally, and Chris are safe, leaving Orlando, Carlos, and Amanda. Amanda is sent home. Bye bye, Katy Perry look-alike and Sally’s lesbian crush. :(