Hell's Kitchen, 8/3/11

Awesome quote, brought to us by Paul: “Everyone who says high school is the best years of your life never went to college.” LOL. Touché, my chubby friend. Touché.

I’ve been calling Carrie “Ditzy Carrie” because in the premiere, she went severely blonde and put SUGAR IN MASHED POTATOES, causing a Gordon-spit-out, but for this recap I’m going to have to re-assign that title to Elizabeth, who totally out-blonded even that stupid move by
- asking the pescetarian chick if she wanted meat and fish on the same plate
- telling her team to make Asian food though she was told to make Hawaiian luau food
- giving lentils (which are neither Hawaiian nor Asian) the go-ahead
- not telling her team about the pescetarian
That last crime supremely offended this vegetarian. How can you forget to mention such a critical bit of info? Who gives a damn how good the food is if it can’t be eaten????? And her stammered “I thought we could combine meat and fish” excuse held no weight, because even if she doesn’t understand pescetarianism, she was specifically told not to combine meat and fish. Hi, Ditzy Elizabeth.

The look on the red team’s faces when Gordon said “The theme is Hawaiian” was priceless. And though Ditzy Elizabeth did have a point about how Carrie’s and Bitchy Elise’s dishes sucking had nothing to do with her misinformation, that loss was totally and entirely her fault. And note how she actually insisted that she was told to make Asian food.

I … did not need to see Natalie in a bikini. Nuff said.

Dinner Service!
No surprise that the red team is in a shambles, but Paul with the raw fish was unexpected. Get it together, chubby friend! Ugh: “Thanks to Elise’s leadership, the red team’s reunion guests are finally enjoying their appetizers”? OH GIVE ME A BREAK, NARRATOR PERSON. All she did was repeatedly re-scream whatever Gordon yelled. That’s it. That’s all. If that’s leadership, then I’m a blind albino platypus. Paul with the raw fish a second time, then Monty with the raw fish? Dudes. Hello. The temperature of your frying oil is too high. I’m nobody’s chef, and even I know that.

Elimination:
Jonathan’s move of sticking Monty with the fish frying was genius, lol, but incredibly weaselly, so kudos to Gordon for calling Jonathan to the carpet. Although, we all knew it was Monterray’s time. He kept landing in the bottom. See Gordon’s “three strikes and you’re out” comment when Chino was sent home. (I love it when Brits make references to American sports.) Buh-bye Monty.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/2/11

Example #434 of Ditzy Carrie-bashing: her prawn dish was better than Elizabeth’s; yet the girls were all fawning over Elizabeth’s. And please note how Bitchy Elise voted for Elizabeth’s dish before even tasting Ditzy Carrie’s … then lost her round … then blamed the team’s loss on Krupa. Who, yes, did make a mistake, but this wasn’t exactly Bitchy Elise’s or the team’s finest hour.

Wow, a spa day? WAY BETTER prize than Medieval Times or go-carts.

Random: the previews for Rise of the Planet of the Apes are driving me bloody craaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Cannot WAIT to see it this weekend.

Dinner Service!
Ruined risotto, two ruined pastas — well, Krupa’s in the running for going home tonight. Ok, wait. I get why Monterray got sent off, but what happened with Tommy??? Gordon totally just pulled that frazzled-mom move of getting so mad at one kid that she punishes any child in the immediate vicinity, LOL. And while Gina did worse than Bitchy Elise, it was the latter who jumped down the throat of anyone who said they were voting for her for elimination, and who refused to listen to like 3 or 4 people trying to explain to her why she’s so disliked. Ugh.

I want her gone if for no other reason than so my Hell’s Kitchen recaps can be more than I-really-hate-Elise reports.

Elimination:
Tommy and Monty, of course, on the chopping block on the boys’ side, and Bitchy Elise and Krupa on the girls’. Could it be? DAMMIT! No. So buh-bye, Gina. That’s the second time Gordon made me think that Bitchy Elise was going home. STOP DOING THAT—unless you’re doing it to torture her, that is. Then by all means, continue.

Hell's Kitchen, 7/26/11

Team Krupa! I HATE ELISE. Of all the friggin' thousands of applicants for Hell's Kitchen, there wasn't a non-bitch black female the selection committee could have chosen? I am so tired perpetuation of the "black bitch" stereotype. Thankfully, she isn't going to win. Gordon clearly doesn't like her (see prior shouting matches), and when she claimed the recipe for that delicious roast chicken was all her idea, it was obvious he knew she was lying -- and we know Gordon does not like liars (see Douche Brendan's fate).

At last! Legitimate reasons to be mad at Ditzy Carrie. She a. couldn't fry ONE PIECE of chicken, and b. then kept insisting it wasn't raw. *eye roll*

Random: Wow. Look how short Elise and Elizabeth were standing next to Gordon. He's my height exactly, 6'2, so they all must be shorties. You know who you need to come stand next to, Gordon? Me. BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, DAMMIT. But I digress.

Ha! Bitchy Elise has picked a fight with THE WRONG ONE. This isn't whiny Ditzy Carrie; this is Sous Chef Andi, bitch! "I'm up here, and you're down here!" Andi snapped, all up in Elise's face. "HELLO?" Andi yelled expectantly. "I heard you," pouted a cowed Elise. God, that was sooooooooo satisfying. You had to smile at that shot of Ditzy Carrie and Krupa wholeheartedly enjoying that.

Dinner Service:
That volleyball player Jen Kessy is 6 ft tall!!!! *happy inside* Surely the ladies will not let my fellow giantess down! Oh -- wait. Here comes Bitchy Elise to screw up the scallops. Remind me why she has such a big ego?

Monterray's showdown with Sous Chef Scott wasn't as fun as Elise vs Andi. I guess cuz I don't hate Monterray. So though he was clearly in the wrong, I just wanted it to be over. And then I got worried that he was going home ... until Chino started screwing up, that is. Wow. Dude made mistake after mistake after mistake, then got the blue team sent off. He's so going home. Meanwhile, Elise screwed up AGAIN (Remind me why she has such a big ego?), and Gina got the red team sent off. And I gotta say, after Gina was so mean to Ditzy Carrie (Yes, Carrie screwed up the chicken, but Gina was mean to her even before that), it was nice to watch her eat some crow.

Natalie irritated me with her stupid girly tears, and LOL at Chino saying "exasperate" instead of "exacerbate."

Elimination:
HA HA HA HA HA *choke* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LOL ROFL! I almost bloody died laughing when Elise thought her team wanted Carrie gone -- then they (almost) all voted for her. That even topped Elise getting Andi-fied! *still laughing* I actually raised my arms in triumph when Gordon called her name, but I shoulda known better. After all, it was only her first time on the carpet, but Chino's third. Buh-bye, Chino. *still laughing*