Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/14/11

The chefs read a letter from Gail inviting them to come see a movie (and she actually signs it with “xoxo,” which I didn’t know people still did). Amanda, proving that she’s really naïve, assumes that going to the movies will be “a day off from the kitchen.” Woman, please. Hot Matthew, WAY more perceptive, buys items at the concession stand that he can cook with, should they all suddenly be ordered into the kitchen. Not just a pretty face, that Hot Matthew.

–gasp– EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee! Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!!!!! One of my top four movies from childhood (with The Goonies, Stand By Me, and The Princess Bride)! I'm so excited!


And the contestants are right there with me: Orlando knows all the dialogue, Katzie trills “I LOVE that movie,” and Amanda is (still) jealous of the everything-is-edible scene (as am I). Thank god we didn’t have to endure anyone saying they don’t like/have never seen WWatCF, because I would have gone beserkalistic. I knew before we were told who they were that the peeps in the audience were the actors from the movie all growed up, but only because I saw them a few years ago on a reunion special. When their identities are revealed, everyone has a collective fit. Sally joyfully bounces in her seat, Chris actually wipes a tear, Craig squeaks that he has goosebumps.

I am seriously SO indescribably pleased that all the contestants are as crazy for this movie as I am.

There’s no Quickfire. Gail informs the chefs that in honor of the release of the 40th anniversary (Wow. Forty years ago? Wow.) ultimate collector’s edition of WWatCF, the Elimination Challenge is that they will be … wait for it … they will be recreating the everything-is-edible scene! I squeal like a little girl and clap my hands. THIS IS GOING TO BE EPIC.


Everyone divides into two teams: Creative, consisting of Megan, Hot Matthew, Orlando, and Chris, which will make desserts and also work on special projects; and Production, consisting of Amanda, Sally, Rebecca (still wearing a cast), Katzie, Craig, and Melissa, which will focus only on desserts. Judge Johnny pops in, says he’s envious that the chefs get to work on this. (I’m jealous of whoever’ll get to eat everything.) Orlando informs him that 250 pounds of chocolate have been used so far. Rebecca tells him she’s making her Veruca Salt cupcakes. Melissa (who tells him “This is my favorite movie in the whole wide world,” to which he responds, “Mine too,” YAY!!!) says she’s making whoopee pies and donut flowers. Megan tells him she’s making candy bar bites with bourbon. Johnny’s worried that bourbon “sounds very adult, but this challenge is about being youthful and playful.” Before leaving, he drops a bombshell: this will be a double elimination. OH SNAP.

The last hours of prep on day two pass in a frenzy as, terrified of a double elimination, everyone works feverishly to finish desserts and perfect displays. TIME! The judges along with guest judge Ron Ben Israel and the WWatCF cast enter. Everyone is amazed at how good the room looks, and I couldn’t agree more:

I superloved how the music for “Pure Imagination” was playing as everyone stared and pointed and oohed and aahed. Honestly, Top Chef Just Desserts. Best. Episode. EVAR. Gail announces special guests have been invited to chow down on all the sugary goodness (I get so jealous I see green.), and a slew of adults and kids (Megan immediately gets worried. See: bourbon.) enters and begins stuffing their faces.


Judging
Sally, Katzie, Melissa, Carlos, Craig, Hot Matthew, and Megan are called to the floor. In the top are Hot Matthew’s delicious, colorful, filled profiteroles; Katzie’s “buried” carrot cakes and beehive with a squeezable honey thingy, and Carlos’s pb&j macaroons and edible wallpaper. (Ron Ben Israel loved the wallpaper so much he whipped out the classic “The schnozzberries tasted like schnozzberries!” quote. STOP BLOWING MY MIND, EPISODE!) In the bottom are Craig, Melissa, Sally, and Megan. Craig himself acknowledged the badness of his too-big, flavorless gummy bears, which annoyed Hubert and his sexy ponytail. Melissa’s green donuts were horrific, but her cookies were good. Sally’s orange dirt was not at all a hit. Gail complains that Megan used bourbon for a kids’ challenge.


Ok — hang on. On one hand, yes, I guess maybe Megan should have foreseen that kids would probably be eating the desserts, but then again, at no point were the chefs told that this was “a kids’ challenge.” This is not like the flat-out idiocy that occurred in season seven on Top Chef when the challenge was to make a lunch for schoolchildren and Amanda made sherry-braised chicken. So I was quite glad when Carlos and Katzie defended Megan, explaining that as part of the Creative team, she had helped out a lot in other areas. Then I was quite annoyed when Megan started crying. I HATE crying.

Sally’s dish didn’t taste good and was hard to eat. Johnny thinks Craig is outclassed by his competition. The sugar level in Megan’s dessert was overwhelming. Melissa’s donuts were “green belly bombs.” And … Katzie wins! I am now Team Katzie, and I want her to win it all. Craig is sent home; that was no surprise. But Melissa? That was unexpected. I would’ve thought that one bad dessert would’ve outweighed one awesome + one bad dessert, and Sally would have been the one eliminated. Oh well. Now to watch this episode again.

And, hey, Gene Wilder? I love you.

Hell's Kitchen, 9/12/11

Gordon explains how much $$ a restaurant can make off one salmon, then orders the final five to cook up a yummy salmon dish. The point of having the fish come hurtling from the ceiling toward the ground below is lost on me, but I can only hope it foreshadows what will soon happen to Bitchy Elise’s dream of winning this competition.

Three well-dressed men with delightful accents sample each dish, then determine how much they’d pay for it.
- Will: $28.67
- Bitchy Elise: $24.33
She made salmon and macaroni & cheese. I can’t … WHAT? Salmon with macaroni & cheese???? On no planet in any universe does that sound like a high-end meal. It’s more like what you fix for the kids, cobbling together a haphazard dinner from whatever’s in the kitchen. $24.33 is exactly $24.33 more than I’d pay for that lowbrow crap.
- Tommy: $25.33
- Paul: $29.67
- Jennifer: $28.33
Paul wins! He’ll get a private helicopter tour of LA with Gordon, and a fancy lunch at Water Grill with its executive chef. He has to choose someone to take with him — “I don’t want to take Elise because I feel like I’d be tempted to push Elise out of the helicopter.” HAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA HA HA HA HAHA HA! — and he chooses Tommy. For lunch, they are joined by none other than Amanda from season seven of Top Chef, she who made the mind-bogglingly inexplicable choice of serving sherry braised chicken to children in the school lunch challenge. In related news, I recently saw Will on an episode of Chopped on Food Network. (He lost.) The pool of contestants for culinary reality tv shows is rather small, it seems.

This needs to be said: watching Paul awkwardly trying to flirt with Amanda was as uncomfortable as watching Jennifer awkwardly trying to flirt with Paul. Thank god for Tommy and his silly jokes, lol.


Dinner Service (Tito Jackson in da house!):
Jennifer and Tommy struggled with cappelini. Jennifer burned a risotto. Bitchy Elise lied and said she was not told when to send out scallops. Bitchy Elise ruins fish; the skin is burned. Bitchy Elise ruins fish again; the skin is raw. She asks Paul his opinion on the next fish she cooks; he instructs her to cook it skin side down. She gripes that he “shoulda told me that twenty minutes ago.” NO, BITCH, YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO COOK FISH. Paul and Will rock the meat. Tommy ruins a cappelini. Tommy tries to help Bitchy Elise cook fish; she refuses his help — and ruins the fish. That’s the final straw. Gordon throws everybody out … then calls Paul and Will back to finish dinner.


Gordon tells everyone to pick two people for elimination, and I’m happy cuz I know Bitchy Elise is going to be one of the two. Tommy gives Gordon some lip because Tommy feels he should have been called back with Paul and Will. I admire him for having the balls to do that. The team decides that the bottom two are Jennifer and Bitchy Elise. Bitchy Elise calls Will to a quiet corner and asks him to say that Jennifer is the weaker cook. What a sneaky, underhanded, conniving move. Though he nods in her face and they fist pound, Will interviews that “I’m gonna call it the way I see it.” She then repeats her request to Paul.

Words cannot express how much I detest this woman.

Elimination:
Gordon asks Jennifer why she should stay. Jennifer says she can cook; she just has problems communicating with her team. Gordon tells Bitchy Elise she cooked the most expensive salmon in the world upside down, asks her why she should stay. Bitchy Elise rattles off a bunch of cockamamie reasons. Gordon asks the boys who’s the weaker chef … and, in what has got to be among the top five most inexplicable moves in reality tv history, both Will and Paul say Jennifer. HUH? But Will said he was going to tell the truth! And Paul wants to throw her out of a helicopter! AND SHE'S A RAGING, HARMONY-DESTROYING, BACKSTABBING, STEREOTYPE-FULFILLING, MAC & CHEESE + SALMON-PAIRING BITCH! I. Am. Dumbfounded. Then I’m hopeful — does this mean that maybe, since it would make for great drama, Jennifer will be spared so we can enjoy the tension and conflict of her having to work with Will and Paul after this utter betrayal? I get my hopes up when Tommy, thank all the gods, answers honestly and says Elise is the weaker chef. But it’s too little too late, and Gordon sends Jennifer home.

Bitchy Elise and her frightened, spineless, dishonest manservants Will and Paul can go skydiving without parachutes. TEAM TOMMY. May they get eliminated before she does so that their lying will bite them in the ass.

Fall Television Preview: The Five That Hooked Me, 9/10/11

Ahhhhhhh, fall. A season always eagerly anticipated by this television addict, as I wonder what viewing delights are in store. Discovering an amazing new show that will be a part of your life for the next several years—sometimes well over a decade, in point of fact—is wholly awesome. This season, five very promising premieres have piqued my interest: Terra Nova, Grimm, Person Of Interest, Suburgatory, and The Secret Circle.


1. Terra Nova
- network: Fox
- Jason O'Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelley Conn, Landon Liboiron, Eka Darville
“An epic family adventure 85 million years in the making.” In the year 2149, the planet is dying, and mankind is starting over by sending people back in time to prehistoric earth to make a new beginning. Terra Nova follows the Shannons, one of the families who made the journey, as they settle into their new home, a settlement led by Commander Taylor (Stephen Lang) and threatened by not only a renegade splinter colony opposed to Taylor’s control but also man-eating dinosaurs. WOO-HOO, DINOSAURS! The special effects will be supercool (Episodes are rumored to cost anywhere from $4 to $10 million—or more.), the fact that Steven Spielberg is an executive producer is an added plus (I loved this summer’s Falling Skies, which he also produced), and I’m really looking forward to seeing Stephen Lang (whom we all loved to hate in Avatar) back in action again. Also, DINOSAURS.


2. Grimm
- network: NBC
- David Giuntoli, Russell Hornsby, Silas Weir Mitchell, Reggie Lee
Inspired by the classic childhood fairy tales, Grimm is the story of Portland homicide Detective Nick Burkhardt, who discovers he’s descended from "Grimms": supernatural hunters who find and kill mythological creatures masquerading as ordinary humans. Nick will face off this season against, among others, hexenbiests, blutbads, the cannibalistic witch from Hansel & Gretel, and the big bad wolf from Little Red Riding Hood (Mitchell: Prison Break), who will later become an informant. The omg factor of this show is pretty high for me. First, what a way to breathe new life into the done-to-death (or so I thought) police drama! Second, I superloved the Brothers Grimm tales when I was a kid (Rumpelstiltskin! Snow White! Tom Thumb!). Third—and pardon the obscurity of this last reason—the concept reminds me of one particularly good episode of The X-Files, in which only Mulder could see that these two normal-looking dudes chatting in a diner were really a couple of trolls.


3. Person of Interest
- network: CBS
- Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson, Taraji P. Henson, Kevin Chapman
Person of Interest focuses on Reese (Caviezel, who was the very longsuffering Jesus in The Passion of the Christ) and Finch (Emerson, who was the very creepy Ben on Lost [and—trivia!—is married to Carrie Preston, who plays Arlene in True Blood]). Mysterious billionaire software genius Finch invented a computer program to identify people about to be involved in violent crimes; he teams up with special covert operations guy Reese. Together they stop crime before it happens … but their vigilante justice attracts unwanted attention from NYPD detectives Carter (Henson) and Fusco (Chapman). Sounds promising. I’m reminded of Minority Report, which I thoroughly enjoyed. And I bet there are some intriguing skeletons lurking in Finch’s closet …


4. The Secret Circle
- network: The CW
- Natasha Henstridge, Gale Harold, Britt Robertson, Thomas Dekker
Girl is orphaned after mother dies in tragic fire, girl moves to small town to live with grandma, girl discovers she and a bunch of her new friends are witches. I’m anticipating a season full of magic, mysteries, and adolescent angst. Yes, I know this show is geared toward teens, but cut me some slack. There’s still a hole in my heart from when 2009’s Eastwick was cancelled. I want a show about witches, dammit! Practically all other creatures/monsters have a show: vampires – Vampire Diaries, werewolves – Teen Wolf, zombies – The Walking Dead. Give sorceresses a shot! (Ooooooh, that would make an awesome t-shirt.) Furthermore, I seriously love Natasha Henstridge (Species I, II, and III; The Whole Nine/Ten Yards; Ghosts of Mars).



5. Suburgatory
- network: ABC
- Jeremy Sisto, Cheryl Hines, Jane Levy, Alan Tudyk
It’s the only comedy on this list for a reason—I just don’t enjoy most tv comedy (ESPECIALLY if it has a laugh track). But Suburgatory sounds promising. Plot: a divorced dad leaves New York City to give his teen daughter a better life in the suburbs … where she is disturbed by how Stepford Wives-perfect everyone/everything seems. Kinda sorta reminds me of my reaction when I went back to private school after three years of public school, lol. It’ll be fun to see Jeremy Sisto (one of my major celebrity crushes) do comedy; I’ve seen him only in serious/scary stuff (Wrong Turn, Six Feet Under, Law & Order). And Alan Tudyk (Serenity, V, 3:10 to Yuma)??? Um, yay!

Project Runway, 9/8/11

Heidi: Two teams. No leaders. You all work together.
Josh: So do I get to be leader?

Slap him, I want to. Anyhoo, this time around, each team must make a new fabric, design a five-look collection, and shoot footage for a background music video. The mentor on this challenge is eternally cheery Betsey Johnson. Laura Kathleen, who I guess realized too much time has passed since she’s said something eye roll-inducing, chirps “I always say that I’m kind of like Betsey Johnson and Oscar de la Renta’s love child if they were to have a baby.” *eye roll* I was hoping Betsey’d do a cartwheel right there in the workroom; alas, I had to settle for watching a recorded one as she showed the designers video of her last collection. She then gave them some advice, which included, “Be cooperative. You have to throw away ‘me, me, me’ and go for the team.” Wise words, Bets. Too bad they likely fell on deaf ears.


Anthony Ryan and crew, Team Chaos, discuss a collection based on ink blot imagery. Interesting! Josh and crew, Team Nuts & Bolts, are finding inspiration in the circus no wait sea amoeba no wait scuba diving no wait female version of The Village People (?????????) no wait trains no wait clocks. That was so tortuously circuitous that it gave me brain ache … which was worsened by Josh blowing up at Bert for using “a swear word.” What WAS that? And I don’t give a damn that he recently lost his mother. That does not give someone an excuse to act like a complete assface. And then he apologized? Yeah, just like he apologized after bitching Becky out for no reason. Freak out, apologize, re-freak out, re-apologize. I’m over it.


In contrast, the members of Team Chaos are getting along great. Probably because being near Olivier (LOVE) causes happiness. Tim pops in, loves Chaos’s cohesion and positivity. Nuts & Bolts’ looks, on the other hand, confuse him, and he quickly recognizes the lack of unity. So much so that, after telling Josh to leave his ego at the door, he makes them join hands pledge to try to get along. LOL. After Tim’s bad review, Josh calls dad for moral support and cries a lot over his mother. I feel really sorry for him, but I repeat: it doesn’t excuse his constant assfacedness. Josh, Bryce, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen: do not win.


To nobody’s surprise, Chaos wins. To my surprise, for the second week in a row, I like Olivier’s (LOVE) look! And not kind of like, like last week. Surperlike! And Michael Kors agrees with me: “Olivier, I think the tailoring on your jacket’s fantastic. I think of all my years sitting in this chair, I think it’s one of the strongest tailored piece we’ve ever seen.” Nina: “Olivier, that’s the jacket I want.” My heart sings a happy song, I bounce up and down, and I officially forgive Michael Kors and Nina for Gretchengate. I KNEW Olivier (LOVE) had it in him! And then he was so bloody cute stumbling all over himself, hesitant and embarrassed about saying he thought he himself should be the winner.


Heidi says Nuts & Bolts’ collection is too busy. Michael Kors says it’s too literal. Nina said there were a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities. Their music video sucked. Michael HATES their stupid fabric, and praises Kimberly for refusing to use the prints in her outfit. Bert tells the judges that Josh went haywire bitchcakes on him, and then my Heidi proved why I heart her so much, pointing out to Josh that he has a pattern of fighting with his teammates: “I seem to recall a similar situation with Becky.” Ha! Josh pretended not to know what she was talking about. Heidi asks who’s the weakest link. Bert and Becky say Josh. Josh and Kimberly say Becky, but at least they have a reason. Laura Kathleen says Bert … because he mutters under his breath. ?????? I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.

The judges deliberate. Olivier’s (LOVE) jacket is killer. They also like Viktor’s gown and Anya’s dress. They praised Chaos for getting along, then moved on to Nuts & Bolts bashing. Becky’s look was boring. They agree that Bert has an attitude problem and is not a team player. Heidi questions Josh’s taste level, Nina says he came up with the worst print, Michael Kors calls him a dictator, guest judge calls him a bully. Ha! Surely he’s going home. And the winner is … ANYA? What—but—dammit! You got robbed, Olivier (LOVE). Ok, it’s down to Becky and Josh. *crosses fingers* And … Becky goes home. :( Wrong winner, wrong loser. I go to bed angry.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/7/11

Quickfire:

Gail and Hugh Acheson, whom I totally had a crush on during his season of Top Chef Masters, inform the contestants that they must create a dessert, which must fit onto a tiny platter/into a tiny cup or bowl, that will inspire a flavor of Extra Dessert Delights chewing gum. Winner gets immunity … and $25,000. Everyone has a collective orgasm at the thought of all that money. So do I, and I’m not even eligible. The cooking begins. We learn that Hot Matthew and Chris have a bromance. “Can you blame Chris?” ask women everywhere.
- Amanda: pina colada-inspired coconut rum mousse with lime-pineapple coulis
- Craig: lemon mascarpone pancake with honey mascarpone cream and amaretto strawberries
- Rebecca, who not only tells Hugh he was one of her faves on Masters but also bows down to him: panna cotta over raspberry sauce
- Sally: passion fruit pina colada
- Hot Matthew: oatmeal raisin cookie parfait
- Carlos, who really wants to win cuz the $25K would really help with putting his 6 (SIX! A HALF DOZEN!) kids through college: passion fruit gelee with coconut tapioca
- Melissa: white coffee cream with honey roasted bananas

- Katzie, who haughtily opines that a coffee gum would be gross to chew: orange cheesecake topped with two kinds of cream, a tiny chocolate cream cookie, and candied violets. “There’s a lot going on.” Hugh says. Sally and Rebecca laugh quietly.
- Sexy Nelson: black forest dessert
In the bottom are Rebecca (guess the bowing down didn’t work), Melissa (Hugh agreed with Katzie), and Hot Matthew (his oatmeal cookie tasted instead like a super sweet granola bar). In the top are Craig, Sexy Nelson, and Carlos. And the winner is … Craig! Orlando says Craig "got lucky." I think not, Orlando. A lemon mascarpone pancake with honey mascarpone cream and amaretto strawberries is not luck; it's a smart and delicious concept that will work great for a gum flavor. Jealous much?


Elimination:

There will be two teams, Gail announces, and Craig gets to pick captains. He chooses himself and, randomly, Amanda. Ok, I hate, loathe, detest, abhor, despise, have never watched, and will never watch those mind bogglingly idiotic “real” housewives shows, so I don’t know and don’t give a damn who these people are the contestants are cooking for. Moving on. The teams have to present a six-item dessert table idea for a restaurant’s second anniversary party, and the theme has to be pink. Uh oh. I hope the displays stay pretty in pink and don't move into Pepto Bismol territory. Omg—is it my birthday? Because upon return from commercial break, we saw not only Sexy Nelson being all adorably smart speedily solving a Rubik’s Cube, but also HOT MATTHEW SHIRTLESS, IN NOTHING BUT A TOWEL. Not ashamed to admit I paused it.


Chris presents the table for his team. I like the hanging lantern of roses; it's a nice touch. (Amanda selected Chris to present because he’s cute. Ok yeah, but he’s no Hot Matthew.)
- Amanda: cava gelee with buttermilk foam topped with a raspberry
- Carlos: guava pate de fruit with a sugar-dusted cigar made of phyllo filled with fromanc blange cream
- Katzie: macaroon with mascarpone cream and homemade strawberry jam
- Melissa: white chocolate brownie with rose gelee and rhubarb foam
- Megan: layers of pink velvet almond cake, cream cheese sorbet, red velvet cake, dark chocolate cream, and white chocolate cream
- Chris: almond strawberry tart with rose ice cream push pop
- a treat for the little accessory dog to eat

Craig presents the table for his team.
- Sally: chocolate and raspberry tart nouveau with ganache and (melting) lychee sorbet
- Hot Matthew: pink white chocolate mousse with cherry gelee with chopped pistachio
- Sexy Nelson: passion fruit cheesecake lollipop (which causes a series of fellatio jokes, LOL)
- Craig made … lemonade. *blinks* Huh? After the genius of his quickfire dessert, he now makes lemonade? I mean, it's fresh squeezed pink lemonade with a rose cava gelee ice cube in sugar-rimmed glasses—but still. It's effing LEMONADE. And it's "too sour."
- Orlando made the very beautiful but very flowery table centerpiece.
- Rebecca: chocolate cake with beet icing
- Rebecca again (to make up for Craig?): a rhubarb rose crumble

“Chris’s team” is proclaimed the winner. Amanda is mad because she was the captain, not Chris. Lol.

Judging:

Craig’s team table was knocked for looking more like it was for a little girl’s birthday party than for a restaurant anniversary. Gail tells Sexy Nelson his dessert was too sweet. Sally gets knocked for poor planning for choosing a sorbet which had melted by the time it got to the judges. The rose petals on the table—which, according to Rebecca, Orlando might have done inadvertently?—are proclaimed a bad idea. Hugh says the table looked like an episode of Dessert Hoarders (Bwah ha ha ha!); Sexy Nelson says “I am 100% agree.” Craig says maybe his lack of leadership experience was the problem, and that his dessert was “just a drink.” (Ya think?) Hugh says he would fire Craig cuz Craig didn’t do anything, which made Rebecca mad; she rattled off a long list of stuff he’d done, which made me like her a lot more. Back in the stew room, she says she no longer likes "that Hugh guy." Lol. She's gone from bowing down to him to dismissively referring to him as "that Hugh guy." The judges deliberate. Sexy Nelson’s lollipop was “horrible.” Sally’s dessert lacked technical skill. Orlando’s showpiece had too many flowers. Johnny says it’s between Sally and Sexy Nelson.

Craig's effing lemonade was the least fave dessert; he would have been going home if he didn’t have immunity. So … Sexy Nelson goes home. :(

Hell's Kitchen, 9/5/11

LOL at everybody hoping Bitchy Elise will magically de-bitch now that she has a black jacket. LOL. Good one, guys! That's an awful lot like hoping the rain will wash off a zebra's stripes, but still. Your cheery optimism is appreciated.


The chefs’ first individual challenge is presentation; they have to transform an ugly dish into something beautiful.
- Tommy: chicken and dumplings. 74 out of 100.
- Paul: tuna casserole. 60 out of 100. (He used canned tuna!)
- Jennifer: lasagna. 52 out of 100.
- Bitchy Elise: eggplant parmesan. 86 out of 100.
- Will: meatloaf. 87 out of 100.

Will wins! “For me, meatloaf is amazing. If I was ever on death row, my last meal would be my mother’s meatloaf.” Agreed, agreed, AGREED! (And since I'm about to die anyway, it doesn't have to be vegetarian meatloaf. Heh.) He did “the honorable thing” and chose Elise to go out to eat with him since she came in second — leading Paul to say exactly what I was thinking: “If I won would I’ve took Elise? NO!” As Will and Elise dine, he asks that she de-bitch for the sake of the team. LOL. Good one, Will!


The team of Hell’s Kitchen vets harmoniously knocks out a menu in minutes. On the other team — shockingly — Bitchy Elise can’t even write down suggestions without starting a fight. Yeah, that black jacket really changed her. A radical transformation, this. She singlehandedly ruined menu planning with a mind-bogglingly incomprehensible hissyfit (Ok. Seriously. Are the show’s producers paying her to be the villain, or something?) about how her input was not being considered, leading Will to make the most obvious statement in the history of reality tv: “You had to have been the problem on the red team,” and then to storm out of the room.


Dinner Service
Bitchy Elise insulted Tommy for needing Will’s help — then asked Paul for his opinion on steak after steak — then insulted Paul’s cooking. *sigh* Ultimately, the other team lost, but Gordon still instructed everyone to select two people to put up for elimination. YAY! Tommy votes for Paul because of overcooked lobster and Jennifer because of undercooked bok choy. Will votes for Paul and Bitchy Elise BECAUSE SHE’S A RAGING BITCH. Paul votes for Bitchy Elise because she asked him three times about her steaks. She insisted it was only once; we’re shown the replay: it was three. The two get into a shouting match, and discussion breaks down.


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Jennifer, convinced that she’s about to go home, asked Paul out! He turned her down because she’s in Boston and he’s in New York, but it was SO CUTE. He gave her a big bearhug. “I’m so embarrassed!” she giggle-moaned to the camera later. Chin up, Jen. He so did you a favor. Long distance relationships suck.

Elimination
Bitchy Elise announces the fact that she herself and Jennifer are on the chopping block with the severe smugness of someone who knows that she’s not going home. And she’s right. Both she and Jennifer are safe, awarded another chance because their team won dinner service. Dammit. Gordon, it seems, wants to let the anticipation build … and build …

Project Runway, 9/1/11

Bert and Anthony Ryan have decided to put their differences aside and get along. And those of us who quickly tired of and were annoyed by everyone ganging up on Chris all last season long say YAY.


At the Harlem School of the Arts, Tim explains the challenge: kiddie artists are going to paint a picture, and then the designers must use that picture as inspiration for an avant garde look. Cool. I don’t really like avant garde challenges—most of the outfits look like crazy costumes to me—but this’ll be fun.
- Anthony Ryan is paired with a 17-yr-old Wu; they paint self portraits of themselves.
- Viktor is with 12-yr-old Skyy, who talks too much but paints beautiful swirls.
- Bert is getting along great with (cute) 16-yr-old Antonio because Antonio is very quiet.
- Josh C. seems to be telling 17-yr-old Sasha what to paint, some sort of wolf creature. Is that fair?
- Becky and 16-yr-old Maris are in outer space together.
- Olivier (LOVE) scares 17-yr-old Tonyalee telling her he likes really depressing music. Lol.
- Josh M. seems to like 15-yr-old Patrice’s work.
- Anya thinks 16-yr-old AJ is painting “trees on fire."
- 17-yr-old Aubrey is painting a face for Bryce.
- Laura Kathleen explains to 11-yr-old Kai how difficult the last challenge was. Kai says “Failure is opportunity in disguise.” I hit pause, write that down, and put it on my refrigerator.
- Kimberly loves the red and the shoulders in 11-yr-old Claudette’s bird painting. They high five.


Promise: if this is the episode that Olivier (LOVE) finally makes something I like, I swear on Mountain Dew that I will name a character in my novel after Tonyalee. Oh no—he’s buying chiffon! The fabric that got Danielle sent home last week! *worried* Ok, I’m seriously starting to hate Josh M. Like, HATE HIM. Last episode, he went bitchcakes on Becky, but he apologized so I tried to forgive him—but then this episode, he would not shut up about how much he severely hates Patrice’s painting. “What the hell is inspiring on this canvas?” My god, WHAT A DICK. Patrice is likely watching this episode, and probably with family and friends. Josh M.’s rude, insulting, infantile rant about the painting probably embarrassed the hell outta the poor kid. :( Josh C. had a way more level-headed approach: “I think the most important part of the inspiration is taking more of the emotions and feelings from the work, and not doing something too literal.” Yeah!

Arrrrrrggghhh. Hearing Bert’s moving story again, I came THIS close to getting choked up.


Viktor, who has been in my “Please Don’t Win” column ever since the team challenge debacle with Bert, got another strike, saying that Lady Gaga wears avant garde then insulting Beyonce’s clothing line. Look, fool. Lady Gaga’s looks are RIDICULOUS. She routinely makes all the worst dressed lists, and the blogosphere has a field day ripping apart her nonexistent fashion sense. If that’s avant garde (IT ISN’T), then I’ll opt instead for something from Beyonce’s House of Dereon clothing any day. And you WISH you had a clothing line as successful as hers. So eat poo, jerk.


The judges liked Laura Kathleen’s and Anthony Ryan’s dresses. Me too. First of all, they’re actually pretty; secondly, they really interpret their paintings well. I liked LK’s better, though. Wow, I HATED Josh M.’s look. A lot. I cannot BELIEVE the judges liked it. The bottom was paper bag; the top was crumpled, violently orange tissue paper. Yuck. And since he so detested the painting that inspired it, he doesn’t deserve the praise. But at least he didn’t win. Good for you, Anthony Ryan. (You got robbed, LK.)


I was kind of ok with Olivier’s (LOVE) wispy, wavy, airy dress. Very much not my favorite look, but since unlike all his other stuff I don’t totally loathe it, I guess I’m naming a character in my novel Tonyalee! He shoulda known better than to try to glue the dress onto his model, but when your time management skills are as bad as his, you get stuck. Not surprisingly, the judges hated his dress; they could clearly see that it was a hurried effort; plus, it had, like, NOTHING to do with Tonyalee’s painting. But they all agreed the bodice was well made, so mayhap he should be ok, in light of Josh C.’s bad wolf dress and Bert’s ridiculous pantsuit. DAMMIT, Heidi gave Bert a total pass for that catastrophe of a pantsuit? Eff! So, wow. I can’t believe that 1. Olivier (LOVE) was in the bottom two (it should have been Bert and Josh C.!) 2. with a look I kinda liked. I was panicking something fierce, but thankfully, the wolf dress out-uglied all others. Buh-bye (again), Josh.