Movie Review: The Thing, 10/15/11

I thoroughly enjoyed The Thing. And whether you love (as I do) or have never seen John Carpenter’s 1982 one, you will too. In fact, you’re kind of in luck if you never saw the 80s one, cuz this is a prequel. And a damn good one, with a 73% audience rating on rottentomatoes.com. (33% from critics, but who cares what they think.)


Dr. Sander Halversen (Ulrich Thomsen) and his research assistant Adam Goodman (Eric Christian Olsen) ask paleontologist Dr. Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) to accompany them to the frozen arctic, where a crew of Norwegian scientists has discovered something big. They are flown to the location by pilots Sam Carter (Joel Edgerton) and Derek Jameson (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). The something turns out to be an alien spacecraft, buried in the snow … and an alien, frozen in the ice. They dig the alien up, it escapes, lots of gory death ensues.

(Now, like me, you’re probably thinking that the second the alien escaped, you’d have hopped on the helicopter and flown the hell home. But since the movie would be over in about 17 minutes if the characters were that practical, lol, we must forgive everyone the decision to go looking for it.)


I love that the main character is a smart, level-headed, resourceful female. There is simply not enough of that in horror, a genre in which the sole purpose of the pretty girl is usually to get naked in a gratuitous shower scene and then die. Kate not only keeps her clothes on but she’s also the one who figures out that the alien is replicating humans. “Now she’s in charge,” the geologist mutters to the medical officer at one point. Damn right. (Thank you, Sigourney Weaver in the Alien movies, for making this possible.) Another plus is that the black guy doesn’t die first. (Oh shut up. I didn’t ruin that for you. We all knew the black guy was going to die.) Also, same as with the original, I totally dig that whole “How do we know which one of us is an alien?” concept. It is CREEPY, and it makes you think long and hard. Could you incinerate your BFF with a flamethrower if your life depended on it? I could. What? That doesn’t make me mean! She’s already dead! It makes me practical.


There aren’t any really big names to distract from the awesome horrorness. My Dad recognized Olsen from NCIS; the only person I recognized was Akinnuoye-Agbaje from Lost and from Oz. I. Love. Him. Anything I didn’t love? Yes. They pull that done-to-death and always-annoying move of the heretofore perfectly functioning weapon suddenly not working at the very moment it’s needed the most. OH COME ON. Also, I find it hard to believe that after witnessing something attempt to swallow a dude whole, the only protection you’d wear while examining its body is plastic gloves.
Somebody get me a full hazmat suit please and thanks. Third, at some point Kate magically develops the ability to speak Norwegian. Fourth — and most sinfully egregious — there’s no Wilford Brimley cameo. EPIC AND EVERLASTING FAIL.

But overall, The Thing very much does not disappoint. The special effects are pretty disgusting, by which I mean amazing and very realistic. The alien engorges, swallows, severs, skewers, mutilates, and melds human bodies, sometimes as the dying human screams in terror. You will be delightfully grossed out … and not hungry for several hours afterward.

Project Runway 10/13/11

Warning: this recap contains a brief but intense freak-out, for my girl crush’s matchless, inimitable beauty does strange things to my brain. I apologize in advance.

Usually I don’t bother with the show-opening conversations had in the apartments, but Josh and Viktor pissed me off so much that I must vent. First Josh starts off talking about how it took a while to get to know Bert. Yes. Because you’re an insufferable jerk, and you decided for no reason on day one that you didn’t like him. Then Viktor says Bert should have lasted longer than Kimberly. Sure. Because someone who can beat your dress that took two days with her dress that took three hours has no talent whatsoever. Then Josh disses Anya’s entire body of work. Yes. Because those pants he made in the 70s challenge are simply the best thing fashion’s ever seen. EYE ROLL.

The final five head off to Governor’s Island, where Tim instructs them that, using the art on the island as a muse, they must create three pieces. Three DIFFERENT pieces, he specifies. Everyone hops in golf carts and speeds off. Kimberly and Anya are inspired by an art piece. Josh has a brother off serving his country, so Josh is inspired by the “artillerary.” I guess when your ego is as big as his, you feel it’s ok if you create a nonsense word by combining “military” and “artillery.” Laura Kathleen is inspired by circles, Viktor by structure and silhouette.

At Mood, Laura Kathleen decides it has been entirely too long since she reminded us that SHE IS RICH and busts out “When it comes to spending money, I like the finer things in life.” I mean, it’s as if she, Viktor, and Joshua had a meeting in which they discussed ways to remind me why I hate them.


Tim enters. UH OH. With the button bag. Re-UH OH! He announces that they are going to get assistants. Let me guess: former contestants? Yep. Kimberly chooses Becky. Viktor chooses Olivier, who hates fat people. Laura Kathleen chooses Anthony Ryan. Anya chooses Bert, leaving Joshua with Bryce … who’s not looking forward to it because Josh is “controlling.” Yeah, and pretty infantile, too. Jealous that she won the $20k last challenge (and probably still mad that she didn’t decrease her chances of winning by giving him fabric), Josh simply will not stop bashing Anya about dumb stuff like the fact that she’s a beauty queen and made-up stuff like her work shows no range. At one point, Bryce even (meekly) tells him to let it go. Kimberly is giving a repeat performance of last episode, flustered and unsure of what to do. Laura Kathleen is doing the same — then she cries (AAAAAARRRRGGGHH!) tears of self-importance because she just knows she is destined to go to fashion week. Bert and Anya are getting along famously. Olivier, who hates fat people, complains that he is slave labor. Ugh. I can’t believe I was so crazy about him. Tool.


Runway! Please please pleaseness, let two of my three hated jerks go home. Oh — but first:

AAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE! There she is! It’s my girl crush, Zoe Saldana! I die! I come back to life! I re-die! She’s sooooooooooooooo prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m twitching! I’m squealing! I’m not worthy! Just, omg, like, look at her! HEY! I SAID LOOK AT HER, DAMMIT! AND THEN FALL TO YOUR KNEES IN REVERENTIAL WORSHIP!

*calming down*


Ok. Runway!

I hate Joshua’s looks. Well — the little white dress isn’t bad. But those other two? I can’t even … they just … NO. And I’m not hating, because when that poofy skirt outfit hit the runway, Joshua himself said “It looks so big. It’s not flattering. But, fake it til you make it.” See? It sucks. Michael Kors called it a “ra-ra skirt.” Yes! That’s it! It’s a bad cheerleader costume. My Zoe says the gown looks like the Statue of Liberty; all the judges dislike his shiny, glittery fabric.


I love Kimberly’s looks. I know it’s sounding like I’m letting how I feel about the designers decide what I like/dislike, but I swear I’m not. Note that the judges are agreeing with me. My Zoe says, “All in all, wow.” MK says the coat needs tailoring, but the gray dress is her strongest piece. Heidi says the looks aren’t very cohesive, but she likes the fabric and the gray dress.



I hate Laura Kathleen’s looks. (I’m not doing this on purpose.) The looks really suck, and I can't believe that mess is what she came up with by being inspired by circles. She cries AGAIN about how badly she wants to go to fashion week. Nobody is moved. Well, I am … to beat her in the face with a hammer. Heidi likes the gown (WHY?), hates the skirt, and feels that the dress doesn’t match the other two pieces. Nina and MK say almost the same thing. My Zoe says the dress looks like a pillowcase with black tape tied around it. Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!


I love Anya’s. (I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!) Nina says the looks are modern and actually look like a cohesive collection. Heidi says the white dress looks a bit like a sheet but loves the black dress. MK says the looks are sophisticated and Anya understands women’s bodies. (Lol at Joshua looking mad and jealous.) My Zoe likes the cuts and says the looks have a futuristic tone … and that she’s a sci fi buff. LIKE ME. I LOVE HER.


I truly like Viktor’s. Oh, pick your jaw up off the floor. I still hate him. Heidi likes them too, but says nothing is wowing her. Nina loves them but says it lacks oomph and is a bit too secretarial. My Zoe says she likes the secretary look, finds a few flaws. MK says it’s a very commercial collection that would actually sell, but the volume needs to be turned up.


Wow. I think that’s the first time my opinions have ever dovetailed so perfectly with the judges’.

Joshua shocks the eff out of me by saying he’d take Viktor … and Anya to fashion week with him. Kimberly says Anya and Laura Kathleen. Anya (who almost starts crying but stops, thank God), says Viktor and Josh. Laura Kathleen (who starts sobbing — KNOCK. IT. OFF.), Viktor and Anya. Viktor, Anya and Josh.

Nobody said Kimberly. :( Haters.

Anya (YAY!), Viktor, and Joshua (DAMMIT!) are safe. Laura Kathleen and Kimberly are in the bottom. Since LK’s looks were so atroshe (that’s my new word), I wasn’t even worried. Suck it, haters! Bye, LK! Your great wealth couldn’t save you.

And now, I leave you with several images of THE MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN ON THE PLANET:

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/12/11

Ha ha haha ha! I’m so immature. That classic Cartman quote is the first thing I thought of when Gail instructs the final five that the Quickfire challenge is making a pie. (South Park > Family Guy.) Making a pie using only one hand, that is. Despite that, it better be their goodest, bestest pie ever, because the winner gets $5,000. Chris, who we learned has a daughter in need of heart surgery that’s going to cost roughly five times that, is eager to win.
Ok, I’m still Team Hot Matthew, because I am shallow and a sucker for a pretty face, but I will also be pleased if either Chris or Carlos, who has SIX DAMN KIDS TO FEED, wins. Which totally works, cuz I totally do not like Orlando or Sally. Guest judge this time around is “the king of macaroons” Francois Payard.

Ok, this is highly entertaining. In lieu of the off-limit arm, Hot Matthew is using his feet; Orlando, his knee; Carlos, his mouth … and big belly. LOL. After futilely trying to wrangle a vanilla bean with a huge knife, Hot Matthew says, “F*ck that; I’m using extract.” LOL. Uh oh — as he’s torching his meringues, he momentarily forgets the restriction and uses his other arm to move the plate.

- Orlando: raspberry, blueberry, strawberry, and blackberry pie
- Sally: double crusted plum-strawberry pie. She adds ice cream just before the
judges get their eat on. (We all remember that Chris was once disqualified for garnishing at the last minute [root veggie Quickfire], but I guess that was cuz he was adding the ingredient he was required to cook with, which amounts to cooking after time was called. Sally, however, is just adding a random ice cream scoop.)
- Chris: banana cream pie with banana caramel
- Carlos: raspberry lemon meringue pie
- Hot Matthew: DISQUALIFIED, for illegal use of off-limit hand! He’d made rhubarb pie with toasted meringue. As I said when Chris was DQed, I am greedy, so I at least would have tasted what he made.


Sally and Chris are in the bottom. Orlando and Carlos are in the top. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

Elimination:
Dana Cowin, editor-in-chief of Food Magazine (I. WANT. HER. JOB.) will be hosting a carnival, at which the chefs must serve a classic carnival treats that they’ve transformed into upscale desserts. Let me emphatically state right now that if anybody chooses funnel cake, he or she better by-god get it right. I loooooove funnel cake, and I hated when Amanda’s didn’t turn out right in the water park challenge.


Sally picks caramel corn; Hot Matthew, fried apple pies; Orlando, candy apples; Chris, funnel cake ice cream! WOOT! — and Carlos, desserts that look like carnival food. During Johnny’s walk-through, he has sage advice for them all, the sagest of which is when he warns Orlando that his dessert isn’t very much like a candy apple. Surely, after Orlando got reamed in the water park challenge for serving a re-imagined root beer float that was NOTHING like a root beer float, he’ll take Johnny’s advice to heart.

- Sally: white corn brown butter cake with corn pudding and peanut ice cream over caramel corn. (YUCK.) The judges question the inadequate sugar level in her pudding.
- Carlos: passion fruit pâte de fruit toppd with strawberry between two little sesame angel food cakes, and on the side, churros standing up in a cup. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A BURGER AND FRIES! How imaginative! “Playful,” says Payard.

- Oh boy, it’s funnel cake time! Chris: funnel cake, funnel cake ice cream with crumbled sable breton, agar strawberry jelly, cooked strawberries, mint foam. Too busy, say the judges. I'm not happy to see his funnel cake isn't dusted with powdered sugar. Funnel cakes need powdered sugar.
- Hot Matthew: mini caramel apple empanada with apple carpaccio and vanilla ice cream. Holy god, I want to lick the tv screen. I repeat: lick. the. tv. screen.
- Orlando: a chocolate apple entremet consisting of a chocolate biscuit soaked in apple martini mix, chocolate mousse, apple spiced gelee, vanilla creme brulee and a layer of chocolate mousse with chocolate crunchies. Um … WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY GOD DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A CANDY APPLE? He did it again! He did it again! Dana Cowin actually has to ask what carnival dessert was his inspiration. Hubert and ponytail say that it lacks some texture.

Hot Matthew and Sally are in the top. Sally? YUCK. But it was cute how she’s so short he could kiss the top of her head, heh. I’m 6’2; nobody ever kisses the top of my head. Hot Matthew wins! YAAAY!


Orlando, Carlos, and Chris are in the bottom. (Ok, this is the second time that funnel cake has been someone's downfall. It is officially on the list of desserts never to be attempted again.) Nobody understands why Orlando’s dessert lacked caramel and was overwhelmingly chocolatized. Carlos’s was fun, “the best idea of the night,” but his angel food buns were too sticky, the burger fell apart, and the “fries” were cold. Chris’s had too much going on, the funnel cake was bland (read: needed powdered sugar), and the agar jelly was weird.

Carlos goes home. :( :( :( It should have been Orlando!

Terra Nova, 10/10/11

Stupid baseball delay. I hate you.

At an outpost research facility, a strangely acting dude chases a bright green beetle the size of a catcher’s mitt (*shudder*), passing a room from which we hear a scream and “HELP ME!” Whoa. Are people being tortured/ experimented on? Beetle Dude wanders outside in search of his little friend — then reminds us all why I’m still (Yes! Still!) mad at the kids for sneaking out of the compound in episode one: he is promptly eaten by a carnosaur.

Later, back at TN, Jim’s helping Elizabeth prep for a trip to go look for the facility staff, who haven’t been heard from now in 72 hours. Jim tells her to hurry back cuz that “Reynolds kid” is coming over — finally, we learn Hot Soldier’s name. Malcolm wants to go with them; Taylor tells him no.
She kisses Jim goodbye, twice (“Doc?” Taylor says impatiently, echoing how I’m feeling), and hops into the rover with Taylor … and a black guy. THEY BETTER NOT KILL THE BLACK GUY. As they drive off, Jim is jealous that Malcolm, who's just the Chief Science Officer (CSO), has a rover for personal use when he, who's the only cop, does not. Oh hush, Jim. You’re the only cop — among scores of armed soldiers.

At the facility, Taylor, Elizabeth and the black guy, Brady, find two scientists strapped to a table and one wandering around with amnesia, but no sign of Beetle Dude. Brady is sent to look for him while Taylor and Elizabeth watch a tape of Beetle Dude and learn that the culprit of the memory loss is a pathogen. Which they might have been exposed to, so Taylor says they can’t return to TN til they’re sure they’re not a danger. So much for being there when Hot Reynolds comes over. Brady finds Beetle Dude's boots ... with his feet still in them.


Back at TN, Zoe and Maddy pop by the infirmary cuz Zoe has a cold, which Maddy warns Jim not to get. “I never catch colds!” he exclaims. (Prediction: he’s going to catch a cold.) At the house inhabited by 16-yr-olds, Josh is playing guitar and hanging with Skye. (Max, whom I have a crush on, is all healed up from episode 1’s dino wounds, I’m glad to see.) The kids’re playing a drinking game in which they take a shot every time they see a falling star. *sigh* Where the hell are their parents? (Well, except Skye’s. Hers are dead.) Skye compliments Josh’s guitar playing and puts a hand on his leg. *re-sigh*

Elizabeth chats via videophone with Jim. He sneezes, then explains that he caught Zoe’s cold. (I'm psychic.) After they hang up, Elizabeth wonders, “Who’s Zoe?” UH OH. At the Shannon home, Hot Reynolds and Maddy eat key lime pie under Jim’s watchful eye as she rambles nervously about limes in the future. Call me old-fashioned, but I totally approve of Hot Reynolds/Maddy over Josh/Skye. One’s going to result in a wedding; the other, a teen pregnancy. Oh, and look. Josh and Skye’re making out — but then Josh breaks it off (whew!) cuz he’s still pining over the girlfriend he had to leave behind. Skye takes the rejection well, even offers to introduce Josh to a guy who might be able to help bring the girlfriend to TN. Which is how any teen girl would react. NOT.

When Jim hasn’t heard from Elizabeth the next morning, he wants to go check on her, but Lt. Washington, whom Taylor left in charge, says no. Jim makes a beeline for Malcolm, who has his own rover, you'll recall. They head out, Malcolm motivated by feeling that as CSO he should have been made aware of the reason for the quarantine. I forgive his hubris when he thinks to grab face masks for him and Jim. Good call. At the facility, Brady and Taylor are nowhere to be found. Elizabeth whips out a rifle the size of her forgotten child and shoots a stun blast at Jim and Malcolm. THEY TAKE OFF THEIR MASKS. :( Idiots. I expect more from the CSO. To Jim’s chagrin, Elizabeth recognizes Malcolm but not him, which Malcolm doesn’t even TRY to pretend that he’s unhappy about. They convince her she’s sick and they have to cure what’s ailing her, and fast, because the stages of the disease are memory loss, massive memory loss, then catatonia. Jim finds Brady, dead. NOOOOOOOO — oh, wait. Just unconscious. Yay black guy! Then Jim finds Taylor, fully stage two crazy in the head. Taylor splits, headed for TN. Malcolm starts to get sick; Jim is inexplicably immune.


Skye takes Josh to see Tom, a suspicious-looking bartender who “can get things here.” Hot Reynolds visits Maddy, who’s mid-freak out, wondering if Sixers have kidnapped her parents. “It’s not the Sixers,” Hot Reynolds says. Huh? How does he know that? I knew it! He’s the mole!!!



Elizabeth and Malcolm discover the source of the illness: not a pathogen, but a virus, formed as one of the scientists was doing some gene therapy. Which pisses Malcolm off because he hadn’t authorized it. Oh, get off your CSO high horse! Then Malcolm, getting sicker, becomes hysterical, and Jim knocks him unconscious. (Yes, because I’m sure that was the only way to handle that, lol.) Elizabeth realizes Jim is immune because his cold is counteracting the effects of the virus. He promptly kisses her to give it to her. (Yes, because I’m sure that was the only way to handle that, lol.)


Back at TN, Hot Reynolds is trying to stop Maddy, who’s headed to see Lt Washington and demand answers. Oh ok, that’s what he meant by “It’s not the Sixers”: not that he’s privy to Sixer secrets, but that he’s heard through the soldier grapevine that the facility where her parents are has been quarantined. Well, he’s still on my Possible Mole list. Along with Skye. And Tom. (Omg, Hot Reynolds' first name is Mark. Mark and Maddy. IT WAS MEANT TO BE.) Hot Mark and Maddy knock on Wash’s door; she doesn’t answer; they barge in … and crazy-in-the-head Taylor jumps out and puts a knife to Hot Mark’s throat. Wash talks him down, but when she informs him his wife is dead, he tries to slit his own throat. She stun blasts his ass.

When Taylor wakes, everything is back to normal. Which makes two episodes in a row that Elizabeth has saved/helped save the day. Soon she’ll be Chief Medical Officer and have her own rover.


Out in the forest, under cover of night, Mira and the Sixers meet with Tom. HE’S THE MOLE! (My apologies to the falsely accused.) He gives them medicine and rover power cells in exchange for sorghum (it makes the best hooch, you see), then informs them that Josh, “the sherriff’s kid,” now works for him in the bar … information which Mira et al. are veeeeeeeeeeery interested in. Oh lawd, Josh boy, you is in danger!

Project Runway, 10/6/11

This go-round, the designers must make clothes inspired by a bird. So, they have to give fashion the tweetment! We’re gonna get a real bird’s eye view into the designing process! I hope there won’t be any fowl play! Will this be a wild goose chase? Who’s going to have to eat some crow? I bet the owl doesn’t give a hoot!

Ok, ok. I’ll stop.

The designers are split into teams: Anya/Laura Kathleen - raven, Joshua/Bert - parrot, Viktor/Kimberly - cockatoo. (I was mad nobody got the owl. Owls are cool. See: Harry Potter.) Joshua and Bert are getting along now, but, Bert says, if they’d been put together a few weeks ago, they would have killed the bird. LOL. Team members are competing against each other; winner of this challenge will get $20,000. As happens every season every time money is on the line, somebody has to go into detail about how poor he or she is; this time it’s Joshua, who informs us he has “negative money” in his bank account. Tim enters the workroom and tells them they must make a second bird-inspired look. (At this point, Tim telling them they have to make a second look is getting pretty predictable. It would be more surprising if he didn’t, lol.)


As work progresses, a cockroach disturbs the peace. Kimberly reacts the way I would have: she jumps up onto a table, hops up and down, and screams. Anya reacts the way I wish I would have: she grabs a shoe and kills it. I thought Josh telling her that “that was some Lara Croft Tomb Raider type shit” was a bit rich … then again, I would have been hysterically screaming on a tabletop. Kimberly, really struggling with her looks, accidentally sews through her finger, wanders around aimlessly, then goes to the bathroom to have a good cry. These tears do not annoy me, however, cuz she lost her mom, AND her stepdad, AND her brother. :( Be strong, girlfriend! Tim, sensing her malaise, gives her a fatherly hug of support. I bloody love that Tim. Then, as if all that isn’t enough, her dress is burned on a hot glue gun so she has to start all over with like only three hours left.

Josh scraps a dress, then asks Anya for fabric, then gets mad when she doesn’t want to give him any cuz he offered her some that time she lost her money. Jerk, this is different. Anya accidentally lost her money and genuinely needed help. Josh, on the other hand, up and decided his look was “heinous!” then tried to guilt trip Anya. Plus, there’s TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on the line this time. So suck it, Josh.

On runway day, Tim says everyone must pick one, and only one, of their two looks to walk the runway. Huh. Unexpected.


I abhor, detest, loathe, and want to shred with scissors both Anya’s and Laura Kathleen’s raven looks. They’re fugly and overpoweringly black. Too literal! Ravens are black; I get that, but their feathers are iridescent, so I would have worked that in with some blue or purple. LK tried with some dark purple feathers, but I HATE FEATHERS ON CLOTHES, so that cancelled it out. The judges hate her look but love Anya’s dress. “Beautiful, modern, and dramatic,” says Nina. Meh. Anya wins; LK loses.


I looooooooooved Bert’s and hated Joshua’s parrot looks. Michael Kors calls Bert’s “pageanty”; Nina says it’s disappointing. Well, I loved it, dammit, and I would so wear it. Wouldn’t be caught dead in Joshua’s, though. HORRID. It is a shapeless, ill-fitting, bright orange ball of blah. Alas, the judges are blown away. “Beautifully draped,” says Michael Kors, “beautifully cut,” says Nina. Meh. Joshua wins, Bert loses.


I looooooooooved Kimberly’s and hated Viktor’s cockatoo looks. Kimberly’s is dramatic and elegant and tres sophisticated. The judges can see flaws, but they are impressed and amazed she made it so fast. “The cut is fabulous” and “there’s something very seductive” say MK and Nina, though she also says it’s a bit “beauty pageant.” Viktor’s is covered in feathers. I HATE FEATHERS ON CLOTHES. The judges like its construction and movement, but he was too literal. Kimberly wins; Viktor loses. YAY!

Anya wins it all. On one hand, yay!, cuz she’s not on my Please Don’t Win list. On the other hand, boooooo!, cuz I couldn't stand her dress and I wanted Kimberly to win. Oh well. Better her than that insufferable Josh. Spend that $20K in good health, girl!

Bert and Laura Kathleen are in the bottom … Bert gets sent home. :(

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/5/11

Be gone, bad memories of last week’s yuck episode! For we are emphatically back to yum. Quickfire: everybody has to make a doughnut. Yay!

Wait — time out. Past guest judges Hugh Acheson, Ad Rock, and Jordan Khan are cuties, and this week’s guest judge, doughnut dude Mark Israel, is a total hunk, too. High five, Gail! Because I know she’s behind this. I can totally see her texting the guys’ headshots to Padma, with “U r so jealous!” Padma is so going to retaliate with a shirtless male model episode on the upcoming season of Top Chef Texas.

Ok, time back in. But this can’t be just any doughnut. It has to be worthy of $10,000! The chefs are all elated about this — then Johnny (whose headshot was also texted to Padma) enters and bursts everyone’s happy bubble: the loser of this Quickfire is going home. Oh snap! Who will create a delectable doughnut of dollars, and who will create a dastardly doughnut of devastation???? The chefs get to work.


- Katzie: beignet filled w date ganache fried in a cocoa batter rolled in nuts
- Carlos: orange and lemon zest bombolinis filled w passion fruit cream
- Orlando: spiced banana beignet
- Megan: cake doughnut w honey cardamom glaze
- Chris: citrus churros w raspberry jam
- Sally: espresso glazed doughnut w caramelized cashews
- Hot Matthew: ginger beignet w caramel and whipped javara cream

Drool drool drool *stomach growl* drool mouth-watering scrumptiousness NOM NOM NOM.


Sally and Carlos are the favorites. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaay! I hate Sally cuz she’s always hating on Katzie. Carlos, who has six damn kids to feed, nearly passes out from joy. Go Carlos! Megan is in the bottom; her doughnut was overglazed. OH NO, Hot Matthew is in the bottom, too. His sauce and doughnut were too much sweetness, and his cream added nothing. Orlando is in the bottom; the cardamom in his doughnut was undetectable. Orlando, who is incapable of taking criticism, says he didn’t promise a cardamom doughnut. Johnny says he couldn’t taste any spice, period. They argue. I cross my fingers and hope he gets sent home. Alas! It’s Megan. I liked her. :(


Elimination:
The chefs are split into two teams of three. They must make a “magnificent” chocolate showpiece plus an individual dessert. And they’ll be serving their desserts to each other and critiquing each other’s food. Red Team: Chris, Hot Matthew, Katzie. Blue Team: Orlando, Sally, Carlos. Chris and Orlando will be working on the showpiece for their teams. Chris: “My showpiece really doesn’t have a name or a theme; it’s just contemporary.” Orlando: “The theme to the showpiece is telling a story from where chocolate started off from a cocoa pod.” You say “proud of his work”; I say “pretentious.” Then Orlando says he always incorporates height because “I like my showpieces like I like my men: tall.” Wait — men???? I HAVE THE WORLD’S WORST GAYDAR. :(


Red Team:
- Chris: chocolate cream-filled chocolate brioche drizzled with butter and brown sugar topped w nutella crunch served w vanilla ice cream
- Hot Matthew: chocolate tart over liquid caramel w chocolate chibouse, compressed cherries served w chocolate sorbet
- Katzie: boca negra torte w praline-milk chocolate mousse, jasmine-and-passion fruit curd, candied violets, and whipped cream glace

Blue Team:
- Orlando: milk chocolate sorbet between puff pastry over mango coulis w cocoa sorbet
- Sally: manjari caramel mousse, spiced caramel cream, passion fruit gelee
- Carlos caramelized cremeux, chocolate mousse, peanut butter pudding, caramelized banana

Drool drool drool *stomach growl* drool mouth-watering scrumptiousness NOM NOM NOM.

I’m so not going to bother mentioning all the bullcrap criticism each team had for the other team’s showpiece and desserts. It was just a bunch of gratuitous nobody’s-is-as-good-as-mine bashing. For example, Orlando blathers on and on AND ON AND ONNNNNNNNNN about not liking the appearance of Katzie’s dessert. *eye roll* Moving on.


Judging:
Orlando, Sally, and Carlos win! Carlos had a very good day today.

Guest judge Wiley Dufresne (Every time he pops up as a judge I think the same thing: I love his name.) tells Chris that the texture of his dessert was strange. Johnny tells Katzie he couldn’t taste any jasmine her dessert. The judges felt that Hot Matthew’s dessert was too sweet.

Katzie is sent home. Darn! I’ve been Team Katzie ever since she won the Willie Wonka challenge. Guess I’m now officially Team Hot Matthew.

Terra Nova, 10/3/11

It’s raining; it’s pouring; the dinosaurs are snoring. Kidding. They’re hiding out in treetops waiting for a rover-load of juicy, delicious Terra Nova (TN) soldiers to get a flat tire. Dinner is served.

Tough-chick Lt. Washington teaches a group of youngsters a Survival Training class — which after last episode probably became mandatory. As the kids learn how to start a fire, tell which direction is north, and find food, Maddy and Hot Soldier keep making googly eyes at each other. After class, Josh gets sent to go de-muck latrines, part of his punishment. Good. That night, Elizabeth and Jim try to have a little husband-wifey time, if you catch my drift, but plans are thwarted first by a screeching dinobird, which Jim shoos away, then by Zoe, who wanted to cuddle. Jim handles it well for a dude who’s been in prison the last two years.


Next morning, Taylor and some soldiers are prepping to head out after the missing supply crew. He sends Jim to the hospital to get a medic to accompany them. Jim interrupts a happy reunion of Elizabeth and Malcolm Wallace, an old school friend. Well — it’s happy until Elizabeth introduces Jim as her husband; Malcolm does a pretty piss-poor job of hiding the fact that he’s not happy to see Jim.


As the soldiers search in the sunny forest, Jim asks Taylor why the Sixers want him dead. Taylor says he doesn’t know (Yeah right. Secret-keeper!); then asks Jim to try to find out just who it is in TN who’s feeding intel to Mira and the Sixers. Which makes sense, cuz the only people Taylor can be sure aren’t dirty moles are the ones who arrived on the very last pilgrimage. Everyone else is suspect. (I'm watching you, Skye.) The soldiers stumble upon the supply crew. They're dead. Like, weirdly dead, with their faces all … chewed.


Back at TN, Josh wanders around the market with Skye, who’s also decked out in latrine-mucking gear. Good. A legless man tries to sell Josh a guitar for “sixty terras” — and I am supremely glad he didn’t say “sixty taylors.” A lesser man might have milked that whole I-was-the-first-settler thing and named the money after himself.


In the hospital, Malcolm (You don’t need to stand that close to Elizabeth, Malcolm.) theorizes that mayhap the dead soldiers were attacked by tree darter snakes? But Jim finds a claw/talon/tooth thingy in a soldier’s clothes; tree darters don’t have claw/talon/tooth thingies. Elizabeth has to stay and autopsy, so Jim has to play Mr. Mom for the night, cooking dinner and stressing over Maddy’s crush. It was cute. That night, he and Elizabeth try once more for some husband-wifey time but are again interrupted (DAMMIT!) by a screeching dinobird. Josh (who, I’m happy to see, is way less angsty and much more agreeable. Thank you, near-death experience.) heads outside with Jim to shoo it away. But it’s not an it; it’s a whole flock, and they attaaaaaaaaaaaack! Jim and Josh make it inside, but not before one chews on Jim’s hand — leaving a claw/talon/tooth thingy.

Malcolm wants a science team to observe the creatures, which aren’t birds but reptiles, some new breed of terrasaur. Taylor says since they’ve killed three people and attacked two more, he’s declaring a moratorium on anybody leaving TN til the reasons behind the attacks are understood. Malcolm, who really wants to get his science geek on, walks off in a huff. Yeah, nothing’s more annoying than somebody telling you you can’t put yourself in harm’s way. Oh — then we learn why Malcolm was so shocked to see Jim. Jim asks Taylor how Elizabeth got selected to come to TN. Taylor tells him Malcolm submitted her name. HA! So when Malcolm heard that the husband of that hot chick he used to date in college, his one that got away, was in prison, he was all, “This is my chance!” and pulled some strings to get her sent to TN, hoping they could rekindle the flame. Yeah, not so much.


Out in the busy marketplace, without warning, hundreds of the birdasaurs suddenly attaaaaaaaaaaaack! Eventually, Lt. Washington, Malcolm, and Taylor figure out that TN was built on their breeding ground — OOPS — and that millions more are headed there to spawn. Malcolm and Elizabeth request a pair be captured alive. As Jim and some soldiers head out to catch them, Jim tells Malcolm he knows the real reason Malcolm wanted Elizabeth on TN. Malcolm goes all stuttering sputtering super geek — which means Jim’s right.


Skye waits out the invasion at the Shannon household, which Hot Soldier has switched with some other soldier to guard. Jim, utilizing his well-developed powers of observation, notices this. At the lab, Malcolm and Elizabeth race to isolate and duplicate dinobird pheromones to be used to lure the critters away from TN. Once the ‘mones are ready, Taylor and Jim load them into a big vat, load the vat into a rover, and drive away, millions of screeching dinobirds hot on their tail.


As the sun comes up, they return, tired and bloody but ok. Lt. Washington seems *very* happy to see Taylor; he affectionately calls her “Wash.” Are they a thing? (Am I jealous?) Everyone heads off to get some shut-eye after the long, harrowing night (Jim and Elizabeth get some husband-wifey time. YAY!) … but not before Malcolm says that “Malcolmus Terrasauria” has been successfully relocated. *sigh* If he had been the first settler, that guitar would cost “sixty malcolms.” :(

I don’t like him, but I don’t think he’s the mole. He’s too busy taking plant samples. And Skye's too busy buying guitars for Josh. You know who I think it is? Hot Soldier. BE CAREFUL, MADDY.