The Walking Dead: Welcome to The Tombs, 3/31/13

We open with Guv mercilessly beating the crap out of … Andrea???? Oh. No. Milton, for burning the walkers in the pit. A very bloodied Milton asks what would Guv’s daughter think? Guv replies that if he’d been tough all along, his daughter would still be alive. He takes Milton into the room where Andrea’s tied up, tells him to get the torture instruments on the table. Milton accidentally knocks some to the floor, and intentionally leaves one near Andrea. Guv hands him a knife, orders him to kill Andrea. Milton takes the knife … and attacks Guv. Nice try, but it’s not much of a physical contest; Guv guts Milton, then leaves him to die, come back as a walker, and eat Andrea. <<sad sigh>> Darn it Milton. You shoulda let Andrea blow Guv’s brains out.

At the prison, everyone’s packing up to leave. Carl looks a long time at his family photo, then at Rick’s sheriff’s star. Then he storms outside, ignores Rick, throws his stuff in a car, ignores Beth, and storms off. He’s in quite a mood. Glenn tells Rick Carl’s never been like this, not even after Lori died. I guess he doesn’t want to leave the prison? Rick looks up, sees Ghost Lori, shakes it off, goes inside. Daryl and Carol chat about Merle; Carol says his actions gave them all a fighting chance. Inside, Michonne tells Rick she understands that he had to consider Guv’s offer to trade her, then thanks him for taking her in when she first showed up. They’re all up in each other’s personal space, smiling. Hmmmm. Flirting?

At Woodbury, Guv is getting the troops all riled up to go kill the outsiders at the prison. Tyrese, Sasha at his side, tells Guv that they’re not going. This isn’t their fight; they’ll stay at Woodbury and watch over the children. Guv hands Tyrese a big ass gun and thanks him; then Guv et al. head out. They get to the prison, shoot the walkers outside the gates, crash through the gates, enter … and find the cell block deserted. They begin search the tombs. In the torture chamber, a dying Milton tells Andrea he left a pair of pliers behind her chair. As she tries to reach them, he asks her why she stayed in Woodbury after finding out her friends were at the prison. She says cuz she was trying to solve everything without anyone having to die. His voice getting weaker, he tells her she needs to hurry.

Guv and peeps quietly creep along. Until somebody drops a flash bomb/smoke grenade thingy, freaking everybody out. Shots are fired, people are screaming, smoke fills the air, walkers attack. Guv et al. run outside—and Glenn, Rick, Carol, Daryl, and Maggie open fire from hiding. Oh snap! They didn’t leave! Several people are killed. Disoriented and terrified, the Woodburyians run away or hop onto/into their trucks and drive off. Out in the woods, Carl, Hershel, and Beth, holding Judith, are hiding. A fleeing teenage boy crosses their path. Hershel and Carl point guns at him. Hershel orders him to give up his weapon. He slowly starts to hand it to Carl—and Carl shoots him. In the prison, everyone regroups; Glenn, Rick, Carol, Daryl, and Maggie celebrate their victory and decide to go to Woodbury to once and for all finish this shit. Carl tells Rick he (Carl) wants to go. Rick says no. Carl says he can handle it; he killed one of Guv’s soldiers. Hershel says that wasn’t a soldier; that was a frightened boy who was handing over his gun. Carl’s all, whatever, and storms off. Hershel tells Rick that Carl gunned that boy down for no reason.

Out on the road, Guv pulls his truck in front of the other vehicles, makes them stop. He orders everyone to go back to the prison. Martinez, Random Black Guy, and Ben are on Guv’s side; everyone else is with Karen, who says they don’t want to do this anymore, that was a slaughter, they’ll kill biters but not people, blah blah bla—Guv opens fire on them. Whoa! Yep. He simply guns them all down. A shocked Martinez and RBG, wisely, do nothing. Ben, stupidly, aims his rifle at Guv, but he’s too chickenshit to actually follow through, and Guv shoots him, too. Then Guv walks around, shooting everyone in the head. (I wonder if he’s at least got conscience enough to make sure they don’t turn … or if he just doesn’t feel like being bothered with any more undead right now … or if he’s just so pissed off that he wants the murderous joy of killing them twice.) As Guv goes around second-killing, he doesn’t realize that Karen is alive and unharmed, lying motionless underneath a dead body. Guv, Martinez, and RBG get in the truck, drive off. Well played, Karen.

At the prison, Rick asks Carl if the boy was handing his gun over. Carl admits that he killed the boy just to be safe. He did it, Carl explains, because that walker he didn’t kill then killed Dale, and Rick didn’t kill Guv who killed Merle, and, worst of all, Rick didn’t kill Andrew, that prisoner who let the walkers into the prison, resulting in Lori’s death. (And T Dog’s, Carl. Don’t forget T Dog.) Ok, I gotta defend Rick on that last one: he chased Andrew outside into a yard full of walkers. He tried to kill him; the squirrelly bastard just got lucky. Anyhoo, Carl’s explanation relieves me. I was afraid he was turning into a cold blooded killer, but his justification makes sense. In his experience, bad things happen when you don’t preemptively kill. So he’s Team When In Doubt, Take Them Out. Plus, he totally apologized to Morgan for shooting him, so I don’t think Carl is entirely heartless. Carl tells Rick to go kill Guv so Guv doesn’t kill any more of them, and storms off, deliberately dropping Rick’s star as he goes … but he’s still wearing Rick’s hat. Maggie and Glenn say they’ll stay and protect the prison in case Guv returns; Michonne, Rick, and Daryl head out. Out on the highway, they come across the deserted vehicles and walkers chowing down on the fresh kills. They kill the walkers, find Karen hiding.

In the torture room, Andrea gets free just as Zombie Milton rises up and approaches.

Night has fallen. Michonne, Rick, Daryl, and Karen sneak toward the Woodbury wall. Tyrese and Sasha see them, open fire. Karen yells at them to stop shooting, Guv went apeshit crazy and killed the others, Rick et al. saved her. Tyrese lets them in. Rick says Andrea never made it to the prison; they go looking for her. They find her with Zombie Milton. He’s dead, yay! But she’s been bitten. MOTHER %$&@!!!!! Andrea asks if the others are ok, then asks for a gun to kill herself. “I just didn’t want anyone to die,” she says. “I tried.” “You did,” Rick says. Michonne, crying, stays with Andrea. Rick, Tyrese, and Daryl wait outside. After a few moments, they hear a gunshot.

Morning. Daryl’s on his motorcycle, Michonne and Rick are in the truck, Tyrese and Sasha are in a bus. They arrive at the prison and start unloading stuff they got from Woodbury: a bunch of supplies and all the remaining residents. (Hence, the episode title.) Rick looks up … and does not see Ghost Lori. Here’s hoping she’s finally stopped haunting him (because he and Michonne are a future couple!!!!!). A-now-even-more-furious Carl demands to know wtf is up with all the new people; Rick says they will be staying with them from now on. Carl—of course—storms off.

Y'all. Guv is still out there. <<afraid>>

RIP.

The Walking Dead: Prey, 3/17/13

Flashback! To Michonne and Andrea’s post-farm/pre-Woodbury time together. (Yes! I’ve been curious about what all they went through.):

Michonne and Andrea sit eating, warming themselves before a fire. Chained to a nearby tree are Michonne’s jacz (jawless, armless, chained zombies). Andrea asks Michonne where she found them. Michonne will say only, “They deserved what they got. They weren’t human to begin with.” Wow. Guess they were rapists. Or child-touchers. Or Ke$ha fans.

Cut to:

Guv is in a holding cell, this one clearly designed for far more than interrogation. He gives some arm-restraining chains a mighty tug, then, satisfied with their sturdiness, lets out an almost orgasmic sigh. Rick, Guv is planning to do VERY BAD THINGS to Michonne. :( Please don’t let him have her.

Elsewhere in Woodbury, Martinez and troops are loading up weapons. Like, all of them. Milton approaches, looking troubled by this. Andrea approaches, also looking displeased. “I thought there was a deal on the table,” she says. Martinez gives her an are-you-really-that-stupid? look. In the cell, Guv is laying out some of the cruelest-looking instruments of torture EVER. Milton enters, asks how torturing Michonne and killing the people at the prison is going to help Woodbury. Yes, Michonne killed Guv’s zombied daughter, but it’s over and doesn’t matter now. Guv says it’s all that matters, and leaves. Outside, Milton finds Andrea, tells her that Guv asked Rick for Michonne, but is going to kill them whether he gets Michonne or not. Then Milton takes her to Guv’s torture chamber so she can get a good look at the various instruments of terribleness. He tells her to go tell the prison peeps to GTFO while they still can. (Time Out: If you think about it, this whole thing is Maggie and Glenn’s fault. If they hadn’t been so busy flirting with each other. Merle never could’ve sneaked up on them and hauled them back to Woodbury, which was the genesis of this whole mess. But I forgive them because I’m so happy they’re back together. Yay! Time In.) Andrea doesn't want to go; she wants to kill Guv. YOU SHOULD’VE DONE THAT WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE, we all scream. Milton says she’ll never get close enough—and then Guv enters. Ok, he keeps upping the crazy. He lays out a suturing needle and thread: he’s planning to tend to Michonne’s torture-inflicted wounds to keep her alive a good, long while and draw out the misery. Then he whistles to test a recorder and listens to the playback: he’s planning to tape her screaming and begging for mercy and listen to it ad infinitum. Andrea has seen enough. She takes out her gun, aims it—and Milton grabs it. As they silently struggle, Guv leaves. Milton, you @$#!ing $#&%!!!! Back at her place, Andrea asks Milton how he can still protect Guv. Milton says that the good Phillip, the pre-Guv Phillip that Milton once knew, is still in there somewhere. Anyway, if she’d killed Guv, Martinez would’ve killed her and then taken over, and her friends would’ve still died. She agrees to go to the prison, tries to convince Milton to come with her. He refuses. She says if he stays, he can’t keep looking the other way when it comes to Guv’s crazy, and gives him a cheek-smooch goodbye.

OOOOOOOOOH, PREDICTION: Milton is the one who’s going to kill Guv. You heard it here first!!!

Out on the street, Martinez confiscates Andrea’s gun/bullets; all arms are being collected for the forthcoming Woodburians-Prisonites Showdown. He asks her if she has a knife? She makes a big show of being annoyed, invites him to frisk her. Guv approaches, apologizes for not making her aware of the gun-taking. Which, after all the things she and he both know he’s neglected to tell her, has to be the most asinine apology in history. He asks her to go with them when they meet Rick, to talk him down in case he tries anything. She smiles sweetly and agrees. Elsewhere, Tyrese and Sasha are atop a section of the wall, target practicing. It takes Tyrese several tries, but his fourth shot fells a walker. Andrea approaches and tells them a fibby fib about a large pack of walkers being spotted at the front gate and Martinez needing them there. They refuse to go w/o Martinez’s say-so, so Andrea drops the pretense. She climbs up, tells them she’s leaving. “Nobody leaves!” Tyrese says, and tries to stop her. Andrea pulls out a switchblade. (Should’ve frisked her, Martinez!) As he did when Rick went batshit and started waving a gun around, Tyrese immediately backs off. I love Tyrese’s firmly developed sense of self preservation. This is one black guy, let us hope, who is not going to die. (RIP again to Oscar and T Dog. ::pours out a little Mountain Dew [into my mouth]::) Andrea apologizes but says she can’t stay. Tyrese asks why; she explains that Guv is not what he appears to be. She’s leaving and they should, too. She jumps down and takes off running. Tyrese and Sasha are unwilling to shoot her, but they do go immediately report this to Guv and Martinez. Martinez is mad they didn’t shoot her, but Guv says they did the right thing, then tells them a fibby fib about Andrea being crazy, having mentally gone off the deep end after spending a whole winter out there lost and wandering by herself. Then he asks if she said why she left. Tyrese and Sasha make the smart decision to tell a fibby fib of their own; they say nope. Guv sends them off with Martinez and heads outside, where Milton catches up with him and innocently asks if Andrea’s run off, then if Martinez and crew are going after her. Guv says nope, he himself is. Milton says let her go; she just wants to be with her people. Guv grabs Milton and asks if he’d talked to Andrea, if he knew she was leaving, if Milton told her about Michonne. Milton’s silence is a “yes.” A furious Guv stalks off. Miltooooooooooon. Dammit, why didn’t you lie?!?!???

Martinez tells Random Black Guy and the other two from Tyrese's group, Ben and Ben's son Allen, to get ready to roll out in five. Tyrese asks, “We’re not going after the girl, are we?” Martinez says nope, they're doing something else. He goes to prep the truck. Ben tells Tyrese that Martinez doesn’t trust him (Tyrese), and he needs to stop making waves cuz they got a good thing going here. Then Ben and Tyrese have it out about an old feud; apparently Ben’s jealous cuz Tyrese once saved Donna’s (Ben’s now-dead wife) life, and she always saw him as a hero after that. Tyrese assures him she knew Ben was just as brave. Martinez calls for them; it's time to go. “We ain’t done,” Ben says. Stupid male ego. Out on the highway, Andrea runs along, hears a vehicle approaching. Knowing Guv’s likely to come after her, she ducks into the woods to hide. Martinez’s truck passes. And then, walker attack!!! She fights them off and runs on. Martinez, Random Black Guy, Ben, Allen, Tyrese, and Sasha arrive at a hole in the ground full of walkers. When Tyrese finally gloms on to the fact that the walkers will be released upon the Prisonites, he refuses to participate. Martinez says fine, when they get back tell Guv, and they’ll be sent packing. “No need for that,” says a happily helping Ben. Tyrese tells Martinez they’ll just leave. Ben tells Tyrese he doesn’t speak for them, that Tyrese is not about to send him and Allen back out there, that he, not Tyrese, will look out for Allen. “Like you looked out for Donna?” Tyrese asks. (Ok, low blow, but Ben has just agreed to loose a gaggle of walkers upon a group of people that he knows includes women, children, AND A BABY. So screw Ben.) Enraged, Ben starts fighting Tyrese—and I heartily LLLLLLOL. Tyrese is built like a frigging tank; Ben, like a beanpole. Sure enough, Tyrese epic bodyslams Ben, brushes away Allen like a mosquito when he tries to help his dad, then holds Ben over the walker-filled pit. Ben goes all Billy Bad Ass, screaming "Do it!" Only because, mind you, he knows that Tyrese won't. Martinez and Random Black Guy simply stand back and watch the proceedings … and hey, since there’s no tv anymore, and they really don’t care about any of these people, you can totes understand their pass-the-popcorn reaction. Sasha gets in Tyrese’s face and begs him not to do it; after a moment, he releases Ben. Martinez claps satirically, tells Random Black Guy to take them back to town.

Making her way across a field, Andrea hears a vehicle. She ducks, but she’s too late. The truck heads off the highway, straight for her. At first I’m chill because I think it’s Tyrese et al., but then I see it’s Guv and I’m like HOLY SHIT GIRL RUN!!! She totally hears me and hauls ass, making it back into the forest, where Guv in his truck can’t follow. In case you’re wondering why he wasn’t shooting at her: because, you see, he now wants to torture her right alongside Michonne. As night begins to fall, Andrea makes it to an abandoned building … and so does Guv. She sees the headlights of his truck in the gathering gloom, slips inside. He enters, starts whistling. The noise brings a walker, which Andrea kills. He follows the noise, sees her fresh kill. He calls out for her, tells her to come back to Woodbury; it’s her home now. No answer. He grabs a shovel and breaks out a bunch of windows, then starts creepily whistling again as he wanders around looking for her. He gets really close to where she’s hiding … then gets distracted by some walker-killing. Andrea sneaks away, kills a walker, opens a door, darts into a stairwell. Arrrrrrgh, it’s filled with walkers. She turns back—and comes face to face with Guv. My. Heart. Is. Pounding. “Time to go home,” he says all sweetly and evilly. Andrea opens the door and hides behind it; the walkers come rushing in. Guv has to fight for his life. Andrea watches for a bit with a very satisfied smirk, then heads off. Back at the pit, an unidentified someone rolls up in a big black pickup, douses all the walkers with gasoline, burns them all up, ZOMBIE ROAST!, then drives off. But, who did? It wasn’t Tyrese, y’all. He doesn’t have security clearance to get a vehicle then go off alone. Oh, but you know who does? Milton.

Day. An exhausted Andrea tromps through the woods, sees the prison, smiles, and starts toward it—and Guv jumps out, claps a hand over her mouth, and drags her into the bushes. Keeping watch from the tower, Rick thinks he sees something. He looks through his rifle scope, but sees only bushes, and dismisses it. (Thank you so much, Ghost Lori, for making Rick assume he's hallucinating again.) At the pit, Random Black Guy arrives to find the walkers all burnt to heck. When Guv returns to Woodbury later, Martinez asks if he found Andrea, Guv says no. Then Martinez tells Guv somebody burned the pit biters, and it was totally Tyrese and his sister. Guv goes to talk to the group, assures them that using walkers is just a scare tactic, and he doesn’t actually intend for anyone to get eaten. Tyrese accepts this and says that he and the others would like to stay. Guv says ok and starts to leave, stops to ask Tyrese where he got the gasoline. Tyrese is all wtf? And Guv realizes it must’ve been Milton. Outside, Milton approaches, asks if Andrea’s dead. Guv non-answer: “I hope not.” Milton says he heard about the pits, what a shame, he hopes Guv finds out who did it. “Already have,” Guv says. Milton walks off looking decidedly unafraid. Guv glares at him. I’m wondering, why’s Milton still walking around free and unpunished? I’d’ve thought that after finding out Milton told Andrea about Michonne, Guv would’ve had him gagged and chained in the torture cell.

Cut to:

Andrea sits gagged and chained in the torture cell. And I feel sorry for her! I do! But she wouldn’t be there if she’d left Woodbury with Michonne. Or if she’d killed Guv when she had the chance. Or if she’d gone back to the prison with Daryl and Hershel. Anyway, Milton will save her.

The Walking Dead: Arrow on the Doorpost, 3/10/13

Rick and Hershel in the car, Daryl on his motorcycle, they approach a run-down farm. Rick and Daryl leave Hershel to keep watch in the car with his awesome hip holster gun and the one of new rifles. They’re pretty bad ass rifles, but still. Hershel???? Why not Maggie or Glenn or Merle? Or hell, Beth or Carol OR SOMEBODY WHO CAN WALK? Anyhoo, Rick and Daryl go noiselessly sneaking around, eventually approach a barn, and split up. Rick enters and comes face to face with … Guv. Ohhhhhh. That’s why Hershel. Maggie and Glenn don’t need to be anywhere near Maggie’s almost-rapist, and seeing Merle might get Guv riled up. Dammit, T Dog, why’d you have to die? You'd’ve been ideal for this. :(  Anyhoo, Daryl peeps in a window, sneaks away. Guv holds up his hands, (“Kill him!” I shriek.), then makes a big show of removing his weapon, asks Rick to do the same. Rick merely holsters his gun. Good call, cuz Guv then sits at a table to which a gun has been strapped.

Outside, Martinez, Andrea, and Milton arrive. Daryl wants to know why Guv is already inside, information Andrea is surprised and annoyed to hear, cuz that apparently wasn’t her plan. She enters, again asks Rick and Guv to end this so no one else has to die. Back outside, the boys are having a pissing contest. Daryl calls Milton the “butler” (which actually makes Martinez [and me] laugh), Milton calls Daryl a henchman, Daryl tells Milton to watch his mouth, Martinez tells Daryl to shut up. They get in each other’s faces; Hershel basically tells them all to grow up; they step off. We LODs (Lovers of Daryl) laugh at the stupidity of Martinez, to actually think he would have won that fight. Back at the prison, the others are arming themselves and distributing/stockpiling ammo. Merle says what they need to do is load up, drive to the rendezvous, and kill Guv. Michonne reminds him they promised Rick and Daryl they’d stay put; Carl and Glenn tell Merle no. Carl and Glenn as de facto leaders: like!

In the barn, Andrea’s trying to peace talk; Guv cuts her off. Rick says he knows what Guv did to Maggie; Andrea looks confused. Rick shows Guv a map, suggests they both agree to boundary lines that will never be crossed. Guv says no; an angry Rick says to Andrea she’d told him Guv was ready to talk. He and Rick order Andrea outside so they can get down to business. And she goes. ::sigh:: Season 2 Andrea had it out with Lori when Lori said Andrea should help cook and clean, yet Season 3 Andrea is ok with being bossed around? Andrea as doormat: dislike. So, Guv blames the whole Glenn-Maggie thing on Merle, saying he misjudged Merle, much like Rick misjudged Shane. He compliments Rick for caring for a baby that might not be his. LOW BLOW. Then he cheerfully offers whiskey.

Outside, a gaggle of walkers approaches. Daryl and Martinez again turn it into a pissing contest, taking turns showily killing. Andrea rolls her eyes and leaves them to it, haha. Afterward, they share a smoke … and their belief that the Rick-Guv Peace Treaty Attempt is going to be a big fat fail. Outside the barn, Milton and Hershel sit chatting. (Time out. I dig Hershel’s ponytail. It makes him look like a founding father. Time back in.) Milton is intrigued that the leg amputation kept Hershel from getting zombied, asks to see the stump. Hershel says, “At least buy me a drink first.” They chuckle. It’s not lost on me that all this temporary camaraderie just goes to show that if not for Guv being a misguided self-important insane loser douche, everybody would be living in perfect harmony. In honor of that, I’m just going to leave this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib-Qiyklq-Q. In the barn, Guv tells Rick a sob story about losing his (Guv’s) wife. Which I don’t believe for a second. Andrea told Guv about Judith maybe being Shane’s baby; no doubt she also told him about Rick losing Lori, and now Guv’s playing on that emotion to soften Rick up. At the prison, Merle loads a bag with guns and ammo and tries to head out. Glenn blocks the way. They start fighting. Merle pins Glenn; Maggie and Michonne jump in, grabbing his knife arm and chokeholding him. The three of them, with their barely restrained Merle hatred, totally would have murdered his one-armed ass right then and there, but, POW! Beth, who is totally following Carl into the Junior Bad Ass League, fires a shot into the ceiling, breaking it up.

Outside the barn, Hershel crutches over to Andrea, who asks what happened with Maggie. Hershel just says that Guv’s a sick man. An answer that vague can mean any number of things, none of them good. “I can’t go back there,” Andrea says. Has she come to her senses? Inside, Guv tells Rick he knows Rick acquired a good stash of guns the other day (Damn. Dude’s got spies everywhere.) and though his people aren’t combat-tested like Rick’s, there are more of them, and the fight will last til the last man—but Rick can make it all go away. Guv removes his patch to reveal his ruined eye, says he’ll back off if Rick will hand over Michonne. Whoa! So that's the real purpose of this meeting. Guv is hopping mad about being de-eyed and wants to, slowly and painfully of course, kill Michonne. Which, yeah, is SO RIDICULOUS. Since we've known him, Guv's had like twenty people taken out, faux-raped Maggie, had Glenn beaten almost unrecognizable, tried to kill everyone at the prison, and sent Merle to murder Michonne (thus facilitating the loss of his eye). And all that's ok ... but Michonne making him a little less pretty means SHE MUST HORRIBLY DIE, apparently. ::eye roll:: Hey Guv, megalomaniacal sociopath much?

At the prison, Merle tries to convince Michonne to go with him to kill Guv; she turns him down. Outside—YAYYYYYYY!— Glenn and Maggie chat and FINALLY reconcile. He apologizes for making the aftermath of her almost-assault all about him; they hug and smooch. ::cheering:: (Now if Daryl and Carol would for pete’s sake get it on already, I will be a happy fan.) Then they sneak inside for some quick make-up sex, and. It. Is. So. Hot. (Just so I won’t have to worry about this, I’m just going to pretend they totally use condoms, and Maggie is not going to get pregnantized and then die in childbirth like Lori.) Back at the barn, Rick asks if a dumb vendetta isn’t beneath Guv? Guv simply repeats his offer and gives Rick two days to think about it, says he’ll be back at the barn then at noon. Meeting over. They head outside … and Andrea gets in the truck and leaves with Guv. ::beating head into wall:: Back at Woodbury, Guv surprises NONE OF US when he orders Martinez to have men positioned all around the barn, and when Rick et al. arrive with Michonne, kill everybody but keep her alive. Uncomfortable with that, Milton says it’s a slaughter. Guv says they were going to have to kill Rick sooner or later. Guv thanks Andrea for setting up the meeting, tells her he gave Rick some terms to consider. “What terms?” she asks, he doesn’t answer. “Hope it works out,” she says coolly, then walks off. Well, she didn’t leave, but I think (hope) it’s safe to say Andrea is over Guv.

Back at the prison, Rick tells the group only that Guv wants them all dead, and they’re going to war. Later, he confides to Hershel that the offer was Michonne-for-peace. “He’ll kill her,” Hershel says. Rick nods. “And then kill us anyway.” But then Rick questions what if maybe possibly Guv’ll keep his word? HE WON’T, RICK. Hershel reminds Rick that Michonne told them about the Maggie-Glenn kidnapping and has saved many lives. Including his (Hershel's). Rick says yeah, he’s hoping Hershel can talk him out of handing her over. As are we all. Michonne is “one of us,” Carl said.

The Walking Dead: Clear, 3/3/13

Looking like the world’s grimmest carpool, Michonne, Rick, and Carl ride along, past a sign that reads, “Erin we tried for Stone Mountain.” They pass a guy hiking; he begs and screams for them to stop, but Michonne keeps right on driving. Sorry, dude. Down the road, she drives onto the shoulder to pass a blocked stretch of highway; the car gets stuck in the mud, then gets surrounded by walkers. “Erin,” says a bracelet one of them is wearing. Oh. :( Guess you guys can take that sign down on your way back. Rick cracks his window, begins blowing the walkers away. Later, Michonne waits behind the wheel as Rick shows Carl how to place branches and gravel under the tires to try to get some traction. But Carl’s feeling angsty and would rather argue than pay attention, questioning why Rick brought Michonne. Rick says cuz he didn’t want to leave her at the prison with Merle; plus, Guv wants all them dead, so for now they will work together against their common enemy. He stresses the “for now” part; Michonne, listening through the open car window, doesn’t look happy. Just then they hear yelling and look up; it’s Hiking Guy, running toward them from afar off, begging and yelling at them not to leave him. They get the car unstuck and leave him once more. Sorry again, guy. You can blame Guv for their mistrust of strangers.

They arrive in the little town where Rick once policed, search Rick’s old police station. No guns or ammo. Rick suggests checking bars and liquor stores on Main Street where he signed permits for the owners to keep guns. He think he detects pushback from Michonne, glares at her, asks if he has a problem. She glares back, very clearly says no. They head out … and pass a pile of burned walker corpses. Hmmmmm. Maybe this town ain’t so deserted. On Main Street, they see blockades set up, with ropes and spears and rats in cages to attract/trap walkers. Michonne suggests maybe someone’s already claimed the town. Gee, you think? But Rick insists on quickly checking the aforementioned establishments before they leave. A walker comes up behind them and gets stuck on the blockade ropes—then a shot rings out and it goes down. A guy on a rooftop pops up wearing a helmet and aiming a rifle. Rooftop Guy orders them to drop their guns, shoes, and sword, then turn around and leave. RG starts counting down from ten. Michonne whispers to Rick that she can get up to the roof. Rick whispers to Carl to run for the car. Rick fires at RG; they duck, split up, and run for cover. RG pursues them down onto the street … where Carl shoots him. He goes down. “I told you to go to the car,” Rick says. Um, Rick. Carl? Follow directions? Haha, yeah right. Anyhoo, RG was wearing body armor and isn’t dead, just out cold. Rick removes his helmet—WHOA OMG IT’S MORGAN!!!!

Michonne wants to leave him, but Rick refuses to leave Morgan while he’s unconscious. They carry him in, carefully avoiding his booby traps, and upstairs to find … weapons and ammo galore! Yay! They get busy loading up. Rick finds the walkie talkie he used for a while to keep in touch with Morgan, and, sadly, a note scrawled on the wall that Morgan’s son Duane was zombied. Rick announces, to Carl and Michonne's displeasure, that he wants to wait for Morgan to wake up. So Michonne sits and grabs some chips.
-- Rick [annoyed]: “We’re eating his food?”
-- Michonne [chowing down]: “The mat said welcome.”
Ha ha! Then Carl says he want to go check the daycare around the corner to get a crib for Judith; Michonne says she’ll go with him. They leave. Outside, as she’s killing a walker, Carl tries to give her the slip. She catches up to him; he admits there’s something else he wants to get Judith. Meanwhile, Morgan wakes up certified crazy, screaming, accusing Rick of wearing a dead man’s face. He grabs a knife and tries to kill Rick, stabs him in the shoulder. Rick grabs his gun. Morgan begs him to kill him. Rick ties him up, talks to him, gets Morgan to remember him. And then Morgan remembers that Rick gave him a gun once and tried to get him to shoot his zombie wife Jenny, but he couldn’t do it … and then later, Zombie Jenny got Duane. :(

Michonne and Carl approach a café with walkers galore inside. Michonne won’t let Carl go in. Carl tells her she can’t stop him and starts to storm off. She stops him, tells him he can’t stop her from trying to help. They go back and sneak inside, using Morgan’s rats in cages to distract the walkers. Carl gets a picture off the wall; Michonne slices a walker that tries to grab him; then in the rush to get outside, Carl drops the picture. Michonne sneaks back in and gets it. It’s a picture of Rick, Lori, and Carl. Carl tells Michonne he wanted Judith to know what her mother looked like. Awwwwwwww. Michonne says she was planning to go back inside anyway, holds up a paper mache cat. They laugh. Omg, they’re like totes BFF now. Meanwhile, Rick’s trying to convince Morgan to go back with them, tells Morgan that he can come back from this, that he can belong to something. (Rick, please use this pep talk on yourself the next time Ghost Lori shows up.) Morgan refuses, says he has to stay in the town and clear.

Carl and Michonne return, team-carrying a crib. Rick grabs the ammo/weapon bags; they leave Morgan clearing walker bodies. Carl pauses to apologize to Morgan for shooting him; Morgan says don’t ever be sorry. At the car, Carl tells Rick that everything went ok, and Michonne is good people. Rick is surprised and pleased to hear it. Then Michonne tells Rick that it’s ok that he sometimes sees people who aren’t there; she used to talk to her dead boyfriend. Rick chuckles, and—Shut the front door!—Michonne actually smiles. On the drive back, they pass the mutilated corpse of Hiking Guy; he got himself run over/eaten. They stop long enough to get his pack; then continue. Sorry again, guy. Guv's fault.

Yay, everybody loves/trusts Michonne now! But the real winner of this episode is: Judith, who no longer has to sleep in a mail bin.

The Walking Dead: I Ain’t A Judas, 2/24/13

It’s the day after Guv’s attack. In the prison, everyone is arguing. Hershel, who’s mad cuz nobody listened to him and now Axle’s dead, still wants to leave. Rick, temporarily cured of his crazy, wants to stay. Merle, who’s being kept locked up away from the others (probably in case Michonne or Glenn snaps and tries to kill him), says they should have sneaked away last night cuz by now Guv’s likely got all the roads blocked off. Rick tries to just walk off, but Hershel yells at him to “Get back here!” and then crutches over to remind Rick that he once said, “This isn’t a democracy,” and now he has to own up to that, because he (Hershel) put his family’s life in Rick’s hands. Do something!!! Rick goes outside for a look-see. He thinks he sees something outside the gates? Dammit, Ghost Lori, NOT NOW!!!! Carl joins him … and timidly suggests that maybe Rick should stop being the leader and let Hershel and Daryl handle things; Rick deserves a rest.

At Woodbury, Milton and Guv are tallying their available number of soldiers. Thirty-five, if they count people over the age of thirteen. Guv wants them armed and trained asap. Total 180 from let’s-throw-an-ice-cream-social Guv, haha. Andrea enters, demands to know what happened at the prison. Guv innocently claims that Rick’s group shot at them for no reason. She asks him for a car. He says the roads are blocked, then tells her if she goes to the prison to stay there. She leaves. Outside, she comes across an angry Karen, mad cuz Martinez is after her asthmatic 14-yr-old son Noah. Andrea asks why he’s training people to fight instead of to defend themselves. “Wake up,” Martinez sneers. Yeah, Andrea, seriously. Later, as Guv looks over the new recruits, she tells him about Noah’s asthma. Guv doesn’t care. (Duh.)

At the prison … they’re still arguing and trying to figure out what to. They need to try to repair the outer fence, but doing so would use up pretty much all their ammo. And they’re low on food, too. Glenn wants to hand Merle over to Guv, use him as a peace offering. Daryl, of course, says no. Rick says no; Glenn says nobody asked Rick to live with Shane after Shane tried to kill Rick. Hershel, who’s now wearing a gun in a waist holster—nice  touch—says Merle’s military training may be useful, then goes  to visit him. He quotes some Bible, and Merle shocks and astounds by not only finishing the scripture for Hershel, but knowing the chapter and verse. Then he tells Hershel that when Guv returns, he’ll kill him (Merle), Daryl, and Michonne first, then everybody else, then Rick last so he’ll have to watch his fam and friends die. That’s the kind of man they’re dealing with. Elsewhere, Carol goes to visit Daryl to tell him she’s glad he’s back and warn him not to let Merle bring him down. MAKE OUT ALREADY, DAMMIT. Elsewhere, Merle approaches Michonne as she exercises. He tells her he tried to kill her only because he was following orders, and he hopes they can get past it. He leaves. The look on her face pretty clearly says she’d love to take her sword and relieve him of his penis.

At Woodbury, Andrea asks Milton to cover for her while she slips out for a quick prison trip. He says it’s a betrayal. She says take a look around! Woodbury is now an armed camp with child soldiers, and she just wants to go try to talk the others down before more people get killed. In his office, Guv removes his bandages and examines his destroyed eye, gritting his teeth and shaking with fury as he does so. Then he puts on an eyepatch. Darn. I still hate him, of course, but I’ve always found eyepatches sexy. Milton enters and reports that Andrea asked for his help sneaking out of Woodbury to go to the prison. Effing snitch. Guv tells him to help her. Out in the woods, Andrea and Milton sneak up on a walker. Milton holds it down while Andrea chops its arms off, then goes all Edward-Norton-in-American-History-X on it and curbs it. Well, she uses a rock instead of a curb, and she removes its jaw instead of kills it, but still. It totally reminded me of that scene. She secures the mutilated walker, but before they can leave, another approaches. Andrea kills it. Another approaches—and Tyrese run up and kills it. Allen, Ben, and Sasha join him … then the four of them just stand there staring at Milton and Andrea, wondering why in the hell they have a mutilated walker captive. Milton explains “it’s a diversionary tactic” to keep walkers away. Tyrese asks if they have a camp; Milton tells them about Woodbury. They’re chomping at the bit to get there; he offers to take them and tells Andrea to go; he’ll cover for her with Guv. She leaves with her armless, jawless walker prisoner—Wonder where she got that idea? Tyrese et al. go off to swell Guv’s ranks. Thanks a lot, Ghost Lori.

Hiding behind her captive, Andrea approaches the prison. Keeping watch, Carl and Maggie see her and alert the others. Michonne observes Andrea’s walker-prisoner technique and looks … aw hell, I can’t read her face. Rick lets Andrea in, but it’s not the warm welcome she’s expecting. He throws her against the gate, gives her a pat down, disarms her, makes her get on her knees, takes her bag, then yanks her up and hauls her inside. You can thank Guv for that, Andrea. Inside, she and Carol embrace, but Carol’s the only one happy to see her. Everyone else is very standoffish. They tell her Shane, T Dog, and Lori are dead, and Andrea's asshole new boyfriend tore down the outer fence, shot up the prison, and killed Axle. She says she didn’t know any of that; why’re they being so hostile toward her? Especially if they can make nice with Merle, who kidnapped and beat Glenn. Anyway, she came to try to convince them to talk to Guv. He’s gearing up for war, and he’s got soldiers and weapons. Daryl, Glenn, and Rick make it clear that the only way this is going to end is with Guv’s death. Rick storms off. Michonne and Andrea have a talk in the yard. Andrea accuses Michonne of poisoning Rick and the others against Woodbury; Michonne says all she did was tell them the truth about the place. Andrea says Michonne was hostile from day one; Michonne says cuz she could see that Andrea was under Guv’s spell. And still is. Andrea says she’s still at Woodbury cuz the people there need her; Michonna says she didn’t realize the Messiah complex was contagious. Haha! Andrea tells her to go to hell and starts to storm off; Michonne tells her Guv sent Merle to kill her (Michonne), and he would have sent Merle to kill Andrea, too, if Andrea had gone with her. But she didn’t; she chose a warm bed over a friend. Ooooooh, that hits Andrea hard.

At Woodbury, Guv offers Tyrese and friends food and clothes, says when they’re ready to leave to head west and avoid north. They say they know; they just came from there, ran into some crazy guy in a prison. Milton asks if they know the layout of the prison? Tyrese says he could try to remember. Guv says no rush, sleep on it, they’ll talk tomorrow. He and Milton leave.

At the prison, Andrea holds Judith while Carol gives deets on how Shane and Lori died. Then Carol makes me LOVE HER FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER by advising Andrea to have sex with Guv, give him the night of his life, and then when he falls asleep, kill him. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa ha ha! Why, Carol! You vixen! You minx! Then it’s time for Andrea to say farewell. The give her a car; Rick returns her gun, tells her to be careful. In her rearview, she takes a long look at everyone as Merle opens the gate, then heads off. Night has fallen when she returns to Woodbury. She doesn’t bother sneaking in, just drives up to the gate in full view of the guards. She goes to Guv. He asks if Rick sent her back; she says nope, returning was her call. Cuz you belong here, Guv says, and they start making out. Is she doing what Carol suggested? Let us cross our fingers. At the prison, Beth sings. Yay! I dig her voice. And Glenn and Maggie are sitting next to each other and not fighting. Yay! Yesterday’s near-death scare made them realize life is too short, I’m guessing. During the song, Rick holds Judith as he confers with Hershel and Daryl. (Taking Carl’s advice, to some degree?) He tells them that tomorrow he’s going on a supply run. Daryl volunteers to go; Rick says no, hold things down here; he’ll take Carl and Michonne, whom I guess he now officially is no longer planning to run off. Good. Cut to: Guv’s moonlit bedroom, where he lies fast asleep. Naked Andrea stealthily gets out of bed. Gets her knife. Creeps over to Guv’s side of the bed. Raises the knife … and then lowers it and just goes to stare out of the window. Darn. Guess that explains the episode title.