Spartacus: Empty Hands, 2/17/12

Armed soldiers move through a foggy forest. Mira, Naevia, and Spartacus et al. lay covered in leaves, hiding in the brush. Suddenly, Naevia screams and takes off running. (I know we all want to be mad at her for that, but after all the beatings, multiple rapes, hard labor, and who knows what else she’s suffered, it’s understandable that she’s a bit out of it.) A soldier runs after her; Mira runs after them; Sparty and the boys attaaaaaaaaack! The soldier catches Naevia and is just about to slaughter her when Mira leaps upon him with catlike agility and stabs him repeatedly in the throat. Nicely done, Mira!

At the house of Batiatus (I’ll never stop calling it that; I don't care who's living there.), Virinius is mad because Glaber’s men weren’t at the games. Glaber, who hates Virinius because he keeps flirting with a loving-the-attention Ilithya, insists they weren’t there simply because he needs them to hunt Sparty. Ilithya eases the tension suggesting a party in Virinius’s honor to make up for the slight. Glaber ain’t happy. And later, neither is Ilithya upon seeing that Seppia stopped by for a visit to see Lucretia. And she’s SUPER unhappy upon finding out that Seppia wants Lucretia to pray to the gods that Virinius will ask Seppia to marry him. (Oh, get over yourself, Ilithya. You’re already married, you’re pregnant, and you’re wealthy [read: a spoiled beeyatch].)

In the forest, Ashur tries to convince a head soldier dude that his men are spread too thin to defeat Sparty and company, but the fool is of the opinion that a bunch of slaves are no match for Roman soldiers. Mind you, he’s saying this as they stand among the dead bodies of the soldiers Sparty and the boys just killed.

Ever the observant one, Lucretia totally doesn’t miss the stricken look on Ilithya’s face when she hears Seppia’s intentions. Seppia leaves; Lucretia asks Ilithya if she’d like her to pray for a different union? But Ilithya, who is having none of Lucretia’s friendliness, spits at her that as soon as the soldiers return w/o Sparty, Lucretia will be revealed as nothing more than an empty vessel who doesn't really talk to the gods. The soldiers return just then with three captives. Glaber’s mad that Sparty is not among them; Lucretia is taken aback to see that Crixus is. (Are we finally going to get to the bottom of that stabbing-Lucretia-in-the-stomach flashback Crixus had?) In the dungeon, Oenomaus and Crixus are reunited; Crixus says yes it sucks to get caught, but at least Naevia is alive and freed from the mines. Cut to: soldiers attacking! Neavia, Sparty, Mira, and Nacir survive, but Nacir is badly wounded.

Back at the crib, Virinius’s party is in full swing, the writhing, humping, barely clad pile of slaves in the middle of the room the focal point of the festivities. Glaber calls for a toast to Virinius; everyone applauds him. Seppia fawns over him. Ilithya is not alone in not being cool with this; Seppius is also clearly displeased with (more like jealous of) his sister’s affection toward Virinius. Gross. Glaber then has Oenomaus, Crixus, and the other two captives brought out in chains, hands Virinius a sword, and invites him to kill them. Virinius showily and grandly and ostentatiously declines (OH THANK GOD!), saying that the captives should instead die in the arena; that would honor the entire city and not just one man.

Out in the forest, the other two gladiator dudes want to kill Nacir because he’s slowing them down; Sparty’s all like, over my dead body. They snatch up swords and it's about to get fighty when Naevia, at last, speaks. She reminds them all that Crixus was once wounded way worse but made a full recovery, and says the wound needs to be cauterized. The other dudes don’t want to risk building a fire. Sparty tells them to go on ahead.

At the party, Lucretia and Crixus keep stealing glares at each other. Meanwhile, Seppius is all like eff the arena; he wants to kill the captives NOW, since they were involved in the death of his cousin Sextus. Virinius offers a compromise: kill one now and send the other three to the arena. Ilithya's dad Albinius says that after all she’s been through, Lucretia should get to pick who dies. Crixus immediately gets an I-am-so-screwed look on his face, but Lucretia picks the guy next to him. She tells him she spared his life only so she can enjoy watching him die in the arena; he tells her he’ll gladly die knowing Naevia is safe. Elsewhere, the slow death of the unfortunate other guy begins with Seppius cutting off his lower lip. I squirm. As parts of him continue to be removed, Ilithya has a hushed conversation with Albinius; she suggests that her marriage to Glaber was a mistake and Virinius would make a much better husband. Albinius says Ilithya’s preggo w Glaber’s kid, and anyway, Virinuis seems to have taken a shining to Seppia, so it’s not happening. Lucretia overhears the whole convo. Glaber sidles up to Seppius, notes that Seppius doesn’t seem too pleased with Virinius’s affection toward Seppia. (Seppius and Ilithya, please learn to hide your emotions a little better.) Seppius says no, but because he really wants Sextus avenged, he’s playing nice to keep Virinius helping in the hunt for Spartacus. Glaber reminds him that Glaber offered to do that … minus the attempts to bang Seppius’s sister. Lol, BURN. Virinius gives Seppia the sword to kill the by-now very mutilated gladiator, but she chickens out; Ilithya happily swoops in to deliver the kill blow. Virinius is terribly impressed. Lucretia and Albinius chat on the balcony; she tells him he seems troubled and should talk to her about what bothers him; he says that sounds nifty. (HA! How pissed will Ilithya be if Lucretia became her stepmother?) Seppia is off somewhere crying over either embarrassment at her inability get violent or jealousy at the two new chicks hanging on Virinius’s arms (or both); Seppius says let’s leave and kisses her, she says ok. GROSS. Ilithya approaches Virinius and just puts it all on the line, tells him she’d much rather be his wife than Glaber’s. He slips his hand between her legs and gives her good feelings while telling her that if she can get Albinius’s approval for a divorce, he’d happily marry her. She’s on cloud nine after this conversation—until she walks in on Lucretia girl-on-topping her dad. HA HAHAHA HA HA HAAAAAAA!

Out in the forest, Sparty bumps into one of the two who went ahead; they find the other hanging from a tree, dead. Ashur and his company of soldiers attack! Ashur and Naevia share a long look. The other dude is killed (by Ashur), but Sparty fights like a man possessed and kills all the other soldiers, badly wounding head soldier dude in the process. Ashur grabs head dude and they flee, but then Ashur kills him because he won’t stop yelling for other soldiers, and Ashur doesn’t want Sparty to find them. Good call, Ashur, because Sparty would gleefully kill you.

Lucretia makes the mistake of telling Ilithya that she (Lucretia) totally remembers everything that transpired between, so Ilithya knocks her to the ground, chokes her, tells her she’s about give her the Likinia Special (bashing girlfriend's head against the floor til she's dead); Lucretia gasps out that Albinius is willing to dissolve Ilithya’s marriage, and that she banged him to seal the deal, to mend the rift between them. A delighted Ilithya totally falls for it, stops choking Lucretia, and kisses her. Beeyotch, PLEASE. You can’t trust Lucretia as far as you can throw her. Scratch that—only half that distance. But I’m loving this, because I hate both of them, and I hope to see them each dead or enslaved when this series ends. Whatever you’ve got planned, do it big, Lucretia! Destroy her! And then may a large rock fall on your head.

Dawn breaks out in the forest. A semiconscious Nacir and an exhausted Mira, Naevia, and Sparty see the mountain they’re traveling to in the distance, half a day’s journey away. But they can hear soldiers approaching. They lay Nacir down and prepare to make a last stand—and are relieved to see the approaching hoard isn’t soldiers, it’s their fellow fugitives. Whew!

Top Chef, 2/15/12

We’re in Vancouver! Wait—this is Top Chef Texas. Why are we suddenly in Vancouver? Oh hell, I don’t care. As long as Paul or Beverly wins. Please lose, Sarah and Lindsay. I will say this, though: I love that the final four are one dude and three dudettes. GIRL POWER!!! Sarah, Beverly, Paul, and Lindsay pile into a van. Somebody actually yells, “It’s TOYOTA time!” which sounds as genuine as Lindsay’s and Sarah’s smiles looked as they hugged Beverly. Paul tells us his paternal great-grandfather fled China and went to the Philippines to make a better life for his family. I gotta say, that’s a much more compelling backstory than Lindsay telling us she used to be a beauty queen. Tom and Padma greet the chefs on a snowy, windy mountaintop and announce the Culinary Games. There will be three events; winner of each gets $10k; at the end, one chef is going home.

First event: cook a dish on a gondola ride up and down the mountain. At the top, they must select an ingredient to incorporate into their dishes on the way down. Paul’s nervous cuz he gets motion sickness. Sarah’s flustered cuz she can’t figure out what to cook. Bev decides to go with a cold dish cuz it’s so cold in the gondola. Lindsay tells us that cooking at high elevations is different from cooking at sea level. Why thank you, Professor No Shit, Sherlock. At the top of the mountain, Paul selects wasabi paste; Sarah, prune juice; Bev and Lindsay, horseradish. Pretty snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler joins Padma, Gail, and Tom for the tasting.


- Paul: seared lamb loin with curried and roasted enoki mushrooms, wasabi crème fraiche, juniper gastrique
- Sarah: chorizo sausage; raw egg; caramelized onions, mushrooms, gooseberries, almonds
- Bev: salmon tartare, white anchovy horseradish, sour cream crème fraiche, crispy fried panko and capers
- Lindsay: seared salmon over creamy red quinoa with chorizo, horseradish vinaigrette, sour cream crème fraiche
4th place: Paul, 3rd place, Sarah. 1st place … is Lindsay. DAMMIT. She wins $10k and will be in the finale.

Handsome skeletoner John Montgomery joins Padma, Gail, and Tom. For the second event, the chefs have one hour to remove foods frozen solid in ice and cook something with them. “I’ve never used an ice pick!” Bev laughs. Really? I have, and I’m from Florida. (Just to punch holes in cardboard, but that’s neither here nor there.) Padma yells go. Paul gets his crab legs out of their block of ice in minutes, but Sarah and Bev are really struggling. He helps them, throwing ice around to try to break the blocks apart. That was nice of him.


- Sarah: pea and spinach soup with turmeric, almonds, and king crab
- Paul: king crab poached in brown butter spiced with garlic, cayenne and turmeric; mango chutney; orange marmalade
- Bev: seared scallop with red wine-orange reduction; buttered peas, corn and couscous
Paul wins! He gets $10k and will be in the finale.

OOOOOHHH, A BEVERLY VS. SARAH SHOWDOWN!!!! Omg omg omg pleeeeeeeeeeease win, Bev!

Gold medalist Cammi Granato joins the judges for the 3rd event. Bev and Sarah arrive and are a bit alarmed to see that Padma has a gun. “Do we have to shoot our own game?” Bev wonders. LOL. Girlfriend, please. PETA would descend upon Top Chef, Bravo, and all sponsors with a fierce fury. It’s a biathlon! Bev and Sarah will have to cross country ski, then will have ten bullets to shoot targets with ingredients on them. Sarah says she used to target practice with her grandparents with shotguns; Bev is worried because she’s never skied or shot a gun. I’m thinking Sarah’s heft will slow her down in the skiing, so maybe if Bev can get to the shooting range first, even with crappy shooting she can get good ingredients before Sarah gets there. Holy crap, it is painful—and hilarious—watching Bev and Sarah try to ski. LOL. But I was right, and Bev reaches the shooting range first. YES! And she shoots way better than Sarah, too.

- Beverly: roasted arctic char, onion-red wine-beet compote, celery root-truffle puree, shaved fennel salad
- Sarah: rabbit braised in red wine with cherries and hazelnuts, sauerkraut puree, slice of rabbit heart
I’ve been refraining from weighing in so far this episode, but let me indulge myself: (if I ate meat,) I would eat the hell out of Bev’s dish and toss Sarah’s straight into the trash. And that’s not my anti-Sarah bias; that’s my anti-savory+sweet bias. Cherries+rabbit meat? YUCK. Anyway, Tom praises the flavors and colors of Bev’s dish, but says she might have overcooked the fish slightly; Gail and Cammi say her dish was yum. Tom praises Sarah’s braising rabbit and making kraut in such a limited time. Cammi liked Sarah’s flavors; Gail says the rabbit was a little tough. Tom says both dishes are great and the decision will be a tough one. Paul and Lindsay join Bev and Sarah in the kitchen as they wait. Paul is Team Bev; Lindsay is Team Sarah. DAMMIT, Sarah wins. DAMMIT. She wins $10k and will be in the finale. Booooooooooooooooooooooooo! Omg, booooooooo.

Team Paul. TEAM PAUL. TEAM PAUL. TEAM PAUL.

The Walking Dead: Nebraska, 2/12/12

We pick up right where we left off, mere seconds after Rick shot Zombie Sophia. Sobbing Carol runs away crying. Sobbing Beth takes the far less wise approach and goes over to her dead Zombie Mom. Who isn’t dead!!! Zomb Mom grabs Beth and tries to bite her. (Clearly, Beth has never seen Zombieland. Rule #2: Double Tap.) The others rush over to help; Andrea grabs a garden tool and spears Zomb Mom through the brain. Nicely done, Andrea. Shane accuses Doc of knowing all along that Zomb Sophia was in the barn, an accusation which MAKES NO EFFING SENSE. Doc very badly wanted Rick et al. to leave. Telling them Sophia was in the barn would have removed their reason to stay, so if Doc had known, he would’ve shouted it from the farmhouse rooftop. Duh. But Shane, ever the hothead, is convinced that there’s been a cover-up and tries to get at Doc. Maggie slaps him. Nicely done, Maggie. Doc orders Rick to get Shane off his land. Rick and Shane argue. Shane is mad because Rick had everyone off searching for Sophia when all along she was in the barn.

I guess in Shane’s world, it’s Supremely Idiotic Reasons to Be Mad About Stuff Day.

Glenn suggests that maybe finally knowing that Sophia’s dead is for the best. They can just bury her and try to move on. “And then?” Maggie presses. Glenn kisses her forehead, says he doesn’t know. Out in the yard, Lori and Carl sit talking. He tells her Rick was totally right to kill Zomb Sophia; he (Carl) would’ve done the same thing. Lori looks disturbed by this. I don’t know why. I’d be quite proud that my kid wouldn’t hesitate to kill a friend who’d been zombed. I guess Shane’s words got to Rick, who tells Lori he’s upset that he had everyone off chasing a ghost in the forest. Ok, I’m really not understanding this. The fact that that she was in the barn all along doesn’t mean that refusing to give up hope that she was alive was the wrong thing to do, dammit.

Shane goes to get the truck to move the zomb carcasses. Dale gives him what is probably the most convincing I-hate-you-so-much glare in the history of modern television. Shane yells at him that he (Dale) doesn’t do anything to keep the camp safe, but he (Shane) killed the barn zombs and protected everybody, so there. Dale says nothing, just glowers. There’s a funeral service for the zombed loved ones; despite Daryl’s requests, Carol refuses to participate. She runs into the woods, tears some flowers from the ground, and cries. Back at the barn, as zomb carcass clean-up progresses, Rick and Dale say Shane shouldn’t have massacred Doc’s barn zombs; Andrea and Theodore say he darn well should have. (Team Andrea and Theodore.)

Maggie asks Glenn what we’ve all been wondering: if Rick et al. hit the road, is Glenn going with them or staying with her? Glenn's stumbling his way through a non-response (Typical male.) when Beth collapses. She needs Doc but nobody knows where he is; he’s been MIA since the funeral. Shane finds an empty flask. Uh oh. The stress of the day has made Doc fall off the wagon; he’s gone to his favorite bar in town for some liquid comfort. Lori and Shane don’t want Rick to go after Doc. Shane I understand; but Lori surprises me. After all, one of the reasons she wants to stay on the farm so badly is that there’s medical care there, right? Well, Doc is the one providing that care. So hush, Lori. Glenn and Maggie share a long goodbye kiss (during which I cheer), then Rick and Glenn head out.


Shane makes up for some of his assholishness when he find a dirty and out-of-it Carol stumbling back to camp, sits her down, washes the mud off her hands, and says how sorry he is about Sophia. But then, lest we forget the kind of man he really is, Dale confides to Lori that he thinks Shane is dangerous, and that he thinks Shane killed Otis and left him for zomb bait, and sooner or later he’ll kill again. On the drive into town, Glenn tells Rick that Maggie told him she loves him, but he doesn’t know how to respond, and anyway how could she love him when they barely know each other? Rick says it’s the frigging zombie apocalypse, and beautiful things like love are a rarity, and Glenn better tell Maggie he loves her right back; they can fill out lengthy describe-yourself questionnaires later. I totally paraphrased, but well said, Rick. In the bar, Rick and Glenn find Doc drinking himself into oblivion, racked with guilt and shame over having been stupid enough to think that the barn zombs could have been cured. (I’ll save my “I told you so!” for when Doc is sober so it will have maximum effect.)

At the farmhouse, Beth is slipping deeper into shock. A worried Lori asks Daryl if he’ll go get Rick and Doc. He says no; she asks him how can he be so selfish. “Listen to me, Olive Oil!” Daryl begins his rant—I heartily LOL!, because yeah, Lori sure is skinny.—and yells at her that he’s done looking for people; if she wants them, go get them herself! Lori decides to do just that. She hops in a car and is headed for town when a zomb wanders into the road. She swerves to avoid it, overcorrects, and wrecks the car. Wrecks it spectacularly: it lands in a smoking ruin on its side. (Time out. LORI, WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT? When one is driving along and sees a zomb in the road, one’s choices are 1. hit it at a safe but still deadly speed so as not to damage the car too badly or 2. just say eff it, stomp on the gas, and hit it at top speed to see how many pieces it will break into. Either way, you definitely do NOT swerve to avoid it! Fail! FAIL! Time back in.)

As Rick tries to reason with Doc and get him to go back to the farm, the bar door opens and in walk two armed men, a fat guy and Rene from True Blood. (I don’t care what role he’s playing, Michael Raymond James will always be Rene from True Blood to me.) Dave and Tony, they introduce themselves. At first, the five drink and chat amicably. Rene informs them that they should give up going to Fort Benning; it’s overrun by “lamebrains.” (HAAAAAA! Take that, everybody who’s ever complained that they’re called “walkers” instead of “zombies” on this show. “Lamebrains” is about a billion times dumber.) However, when Rene starts pressing Doc, Glenn, and Rick about where they’re staying, the friendliness evaporates. Although maybe it wouldn’t have if Fatty hadn’t pissed in the corner while asking about getting a “piece of ass,” and if everything about Rene didn’t scream “Do not trust me.” Rick tells them they can’t stay on the farm; they’ll have to keep moving. Fatty threatens to just kill them and take the farm. Way to win them over, lard ass. Rene diffuses the situation, even putting his guns on the bar to show how totally calm he is—then a few seconds later, he makes a move for it. BAM! Rick shoots him dead. BAM! And Fatty too.

As this now makes two episodes in a row that Rick has meted out swift, decisive, deadly punishment, we can officially lay the theory that he’s too soft to survive in this world to rest.

Spartacus: A Place in this World, 2/3/12

Flashback:

Two slaves battle it out in the pits. One is a skinny young black kid with white mud smeared all over his face. He’s getting his narrow ass kicked, but suddenly he gets the upper hand and unexpectedly wins, impressing the slave owner, who sells him … to Batiatus the elder. The kid is a young Oenomaus.

Present day:

As Claudius frets about where Spartacus could be hiding, Lucretia says offering a sacrifice to the gods may help. He tells her to have at it. Meanwhile, Sparty and the boys raid a villa (and interrupt the master of the house busily raping his slaves), kill his guards, free his slaves, remove their collars, and arm them. During the row, Mira snatches up a sword and gets killtastic with one of the guards. GIRL POWER. Crixus interrogates the master about Navia’s whereabouts, then kills him. Good riddance. One of the newly freed slave girls, a shrewd blonde, advises Mira that hoping Sparty will fall in love with her is dangerous. (And futile. You'll recall that his wife once told him he’d never love another.) As Mira and Sparty lie together cuddling that night, one of the freed slaves, Tiberius, tries a pretty FAIL attempt at killing Sparty because Tiberius preferred being under the rule of his master. Idiot. Sparty orders his life spared. Crixus tells Tiberius if he tries that again, he’s dead. And then bitch-slaps him. LOL! Back at the house of Batiatus, as Lucretia is bathed, she fantasizes about the hot sex she unknowingly had with Sparty. Gaius interrupts the fun and orders her to see Lucretia to market in the morning to gather stuff for the sacrifice. Cut to: the pits, where Oenomaus is fighting, the white mud of his youth smeared all over his face. Full of shame over the fall of his beloved house of Batiatus, this is how he has chosen to meet his end. :(

Flashback:

The elder Batiatus shares a drink with young Oenomaus and encourages him to look within himself to find something to fight for.

Present day:

Oenomaus wins the fight. He tells the announcer dude to bring him a worthy opponent, dammit. Back at the villa, the gladiators are training the freed slaves; Sparty himself is practice-sparring with his would-be killer. In the marketplace, as Lucretia and Ilithia shop for a sacrifice, they’re surrounded by people wanting to be blessed by Lucretia. Ilithia goes off to chat with Seppia while Lucretia performs blessing duties. Seppia says something about not wanting to be married; it's too much responsibility. By which she probably means she wants to keep banging her brother. As they chat, a shrouded figure furtively passes Lucretia a note. At the house, Gaius asks Seppius if Seppius would be willing to lend his men to join in the search for Sparty; Seppius insults him, refuses, and leaves. Probably to go bang his sister. At the villa, Mira stops one of Crixus’s Crew having sex with Blondie; Blondie told her she should’ve butted out. It was consensual; she’s sleeping with him to gain favor, same as Mira is with Sparty.

Flashback:

Young Oenomaus has a B branded into his arm and pledges allegiance to the elder Batiatus, who says he will see much honor in the arena. So that’s why adult Oenomaus is so broken up over the fall of his master’s house. It was his whole life. Poor guy.

Present day:

Oenomaus loses his fight. Just as the opponent is about to strike a mortal blow, the shrouded figure kills him. “You!” Oenomaus gasps. Dammit, who IS this guy? At the house, Lucretia kills a goat. (Yuck.) As she is distracted with her barbaric little ceremony, Ilithia picks up the bloody knife and is about to send Lucretia to her gods when a slave enters to tell Ilithia that men are approaching. At the villa, Crixus brings the same news to Sparty. They send Tiberius out to meet the men and pretend all is well, that his master is simply away on routine whorebusiness. But just as the men are about to leave, Tiberius asks them to hold on a second. Thinking he’s about to betray them, Sparty et al. attaaaaaaaaack. During the brawl, Tiberius saves Sparty’s life, but Crixus still slams him into a wall afterward and demands to know why he didn’t let the men leave. Tiberius explains that he realized the men had noticed that he wasn't wearing his I’m-a-slave collar; if he hadn’t stopped them, they would have returned with more men. At the house, the shrouded figure arrives and presents to Gaius and Ilithia a bound and bleeding Oenomaus … and then removes his hood and OMG IT’S ASHUR!!!

Yes! I love Ashur. He’s so devious! Ok, is he really helping Gaius, or is he in cahoots with Sparty? And what did his note to Lucretia say?

Spartacus: Fugitivus, 1/27/12

Season two begins with a pile of dead bodies and “The house of Batiatus has fallen." We learn that Spartacus and the boys escaped and have been terrorizing the city of Capua for weeks. An annoyed young nobledude named Seppius has hired a gang of mercenaries to quell this most bothersome revolt. Too right, Seppius. Slaves not wanting to be slaves anymore is just ridiculous. I mean, what’s next? Electricity???? Anyhoo, the mercenaries FAIL, and Sparty and the boys make quick work of them after a bloody skirmish and rob the bodies of valuables and supplies. Sparty carves a message onto a mercenary’s chest.

Cut to Rome, where Claudius (I HATE HIM.) is chatting with a friend about war matters. His boss/father-in-law arrives just then, tells him that such discussions are moot when he can’t even stop a little slave uprising in Capua. By a gladiator who is openly mocking him by carving “Claudius” on dead bodies. (LOL. Nice touch, Sparty.) Pops tells Claudius to handle this little problem forthwith or rise no further in the senate. Later, Claudius and a pregnant Ilithia argue; she doesn’t want to go with him to Capua. He tells her she will, goshdarnit.

Sparty and the boys arrive at Headquarters Inside which Gladiators Hide (HIGH). (Where, I’m sad to see, the female slaves who escaped with them are all still barefoot, mostly naked, doing domestic duties, and relying on the men for food and survival. :( I know I’m being way too 2012 liberated feminist with this, but nobody wants to wear shoes, put on some real clothes, and strike out on her own?) Sparty passes out swords but, one of the slave girls (Sparty’s now-deceased BFF Varro's wife Aurelia) reminds him, they need food, not swords. Crixus’s peeps arrive just then, laughing, joking, and chowing down on vittles. Sparty asks where’s Crixus, is told he’s off trying to find Navia. (OMG PLEASE FIND HER!) Sparty orders their food split with everyone else; they don’t want to but eventually relent. Major tension between Spartacus Squad and Crixus Crew, yo. Crixus arrives later, says he’ll talk to his men about playing nice, and also that he won’t stop looking til he finds Navia. (YAY!) Sparty asks him about Doctore; Crixus says Doctore loved the ludus and probably doesn’t want to be reunited with those who brought about its downfall.

Cut to: disguised Doctore sitting in the crowds at the arena, intently watching a bloody battle. Up in the VIP box, as the VIPs bemoan how crappy the fighters are these days, we meet Seppius and his sister Seppia, who totally give off incest-is-best vibes. Doctore leaves but is recognized by a dude in the crowd … who later with a couple friends and unwisely tries to bring Doctore in for the reward money. In a fight that seems almost unfair, lol, Doctore easily kills them. HE’S DOCTORE, BITCH.

To honor Varro’s dying wish, Sparty gives Aurelia all the money he’s managed to steal and sends her off to find her son and buy them safe passage to faraway lands. Then Spartacus Squad and Crixus Crew head to a whorehouse that the guy who sold Navia frequents. Crixus get a good lead on his lost love, and everyone finds out that Claudius et al. are coming for them.


Claudius et al. arrive at the house of Batiatus. It’s a blood-smeared wrecked mess, and Ilithia is furious about having to stay there. Claudius tells her to STFU and get busy putting the house right. Ilithia discovers none other than by-some-miracle-still-alive Lucretia wandering around, dirty and driven mad. (Good. I HATE HER.) Ilithia yells at Claudius to kill “it”
(because, you’ll remember, Lucretia knows Ilithia killed Likinia), but his fellow soldier suggests she be shown to the people of Capua as a symbol that a woman escaped Sparty, so obviously Sparty’s not all that. Claudius agrees; Ilithia is re-furious. As Lucretia is bathed, Ilithia notices a scar on Lucretia’s lower abdomen. (When season one ended, Lucretia was preggo.) She asks Lucretia about the scar, about how she survived the uprising, and about Likinia. Lucretia can’t answer the first two and thinks Likinia is still alive. Which pleases Ilithia immensely.


Back at HIGH, Doctore shows up, warns everyone about the small army Claudius has brought, and advises everyone to get while the getting is good. Then after telling them not to call him Doctore anymore, The Artist Formerly Known As Doctore leaves. Crixus tells Sparty that going after Claudius is stupid and Sparty should leave along with Crixus Crew. But Claudius is, of course, the man responsible for Sparty becoming a slave/losing his wife, so Sparty wants his head, dammit. Later, Mira implores Sparty to leave with Crixus to avoid a bunch of needless death; he assures her he doesn’t want to see anyone die for him; they get it on. The next morning, she wakes to find him gone.

Oh snap. He’s at a gathering of the townspeople, waiting as Seppius blathers on (as Seppia practically drools with lust) for the arrival of Claudius with a murderous gleam in his eye. Claudius arrives and parades out Lucretia. The little stunt has the desired effect on the crowd and completely shocks Sparty—and then he’s again startled when Claudius has a bound, bruised, and bleeding Aurelia brought out. As Claudia promises to torture her until she talks, Sparty grabs his sword and attaaaaaaaaaacks! He puts up a good fight, even slicing Claudius’s arm, but he’s quickly surrounded. Just as he’s about to be seized, the other gladiators arrive, YAY!, and the brawl begins. Crixus sees Lucretia, looks even more shocked than Sparty did, and has a momentary flashback about cutting her stomach. (What? I need that explained, please.) Crixus yells some sense into Sparty; the gladiators grab Aurelia retreat.

Back at HIGH, Mira is pissed and yelling at Sparty; Sparty’s all, but I can’t let Claudius live! Then Crixus punches Sparty in the face and explains that the only reason he showed up was to stop the Claudius assassination, which would result in Rome sending thousands and thousands and thousands of soldiers to stamp out the rogue-gladiator problem; then Crixus’d never find Navia. Aurelia has Sparty called to her side, makes him promise to stay away from her son, then dies. Which was completely bitchy, but makes Sparty decide to give up his desire to kill Claudius—until Sparty has a properly trained army, that is.

Top Chef, 2/1/12

Down to the final five! I am Team Paul first, Grayson second, and Edward third. Anybody but Sarah or Lindsay, please thanks.

Pee-wee Herman in the house. Yay, childhood icon! Dude is aging quite well. For the Quickfire, the chefs must make one of his favorite foods: pancakes. Was it really necessary to have a table full of pancakes just to announce that pancakes will be made? I’m asking because I’m greedy and I’m jealous that I didn’t get to help devour all the extra food after filming was complete. Anyway, yay pancakes! Love it when the chefs are assigned something non-pretentious: pancakes, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.—and it’s quite eye-opening when somebody completely bombs such challenges. You should be able to cook outside of your ostentatious comfort zone. Re-anyway, the winner gets five thousand dollars. “Five thousand dollars for a pancake? Wow. That’s a stack!” Pee-wee quips, and dammit, I actually laugh at that. Cooking begins. Paul, who has apparently slipped into the mad scientist shoes of the recently eliminated Ponytail Chris, breaks out the liquid nitrogen.


- Grayson: ricotta buttermilk pancakes, peach compote, blackberry, and basil
- Sarah: confetti pancakes, blackberry sauce, cocoa nibs, banana, and whipped cream
- Paul: rolled pancakes, berries, black pepper, and champagne dippin’ dots
- Lindsay: ricotta pancake, whipped crème fraiche, and almond-anise cookies
- Edward: pancake bits, berries, bacon, and bruleed marshmallow

Pee-wee tells everybody he or she made the best pancake he’s ever had. All the pancakes sounded pretty damn scrumptious (minus the bacon and pepper, i.m.o.), and he doesn’t call out anybody for making a bad one, so he’s probably being sincere. And the winner is … Ed!!!! But everybody feels like a winner when Pee-wee tells them he got them all brand new bicycles. Cool!

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs must make a family style lunch, and Padma says they have to use those bicycles to ride around town finding food and a restaurant to cook it in. Ha! The next day, everyone saddles up—Lindsay, who is blonde, puts her helmet on backwards—heads for the farmer’s market, and then one by one finds restaurants in which the owners/staff act as if this isn’t completely staged and agree to let the chefs crash their kitchens for a few hours. Ed doesn’t want his chicken to be overcooked, so he’s going to undercook it just a hair. Lindsay is the last person to find somewhere to cook; she’s worried about having enough time. Post-cooking, Grayson’s so concerned about breaking the egg yolks inside of her chicken breasts on the way to the Alamo that she risks burns to hold the tray in her hand instead of putting it in her bike basket.

- Sarah: summer veggie salad, boiled egg, chicken skin vinaigrette
- Grayson: gorgonzola cheese-spinach-and-egg yolk stuffed chicken breast with egg-bacon vinaigrette, tomatoes, and butternut squash
- Lindsay: roasted zucchini stuffed with braised beef cheeks and rice; salad of greens, pickled celery and carrots, goat cheese
- Edward: red-eye gravy over chicken poached in beef tallow; grits with corn and gorgonzola cheese; salad of kale, okra, and roasted tomatoes
- Paul: roasted chicken salad with Thai basil oil, red curry gastrique, cucumbers, and summer squash



Gail loves Sarah’s vinaigrette; Tom and Peewee say the dish needs salt. Gail likes Lindsay’s use of zucchini; Padma says she used too much goat cheese; Peewee loves the dish. Ed’s grits and gravy are a hit, but Peewee says the chicken is slightly odd; Tom says it’s on the edge of undercooked. Gail loves Paul’s dish; Padma wanted more spicy. Gail says Grayson’s dish is good; Tom says it’s delicious but he wishes she’d left off some stuff; the plate’s too busy. AND THEN PEE-WEE MAKES ME LOVE HIM MORE THAN I EVER KNEW I COULD: “I thought it was delicious, but I have a lot of childhood issues with runny yolk that I’d have to lie down to tell you about.” Thank you, Pee-wee!!! I knew I couldn’t be the only person on the planet who feels that RUNNY YOLK IS FRICKING DISGUSTING.

Lindsay wins. (Boo.) Ed, Grayson, and Sarah are in the bottom, and … Grayson goes home. If you ask me, serving bland food is a much bigger crime than serving a lot of delicious food, so Sarah should have gone home, dammit.

It’s time for the final Last Chance Kitchen showdown. Grayson vs Beverly. Whoever wins will be back in the competition. And the winner is … we don’t know!!!! She won’t be revealed til next week. Arrrrrrrgggghhhh! Well, I love Grayson, but please please please let it be Beverly!