Project Runway, 9/22/11

How cool. The designers will be creating for an unsigned band a look to be worn for a Rolling Stones photo shoot. So basically, they’re helping to create the look that will introduce the band to the masses. Nice. The four guys (Guys? But that means menswear! Panic!) of the band Sheepdogs come in and play for everyone a song which I totally liked, and during which the delicate flower that is Olivier (LOVE) repeatedly cringed because the music is so loud. That must mean he hates concerts! Me too! High five. Team Harmony: Bert, Laura Kathleen, Anya, and Anthony Ryan. Team Untitled: Olivier (LOVE), Viktor, Kimberly, and Joshua. Tim instructs them that everyone must make an outfit for one guy in the band, but the looks don’t have to be cohesive. Which I’m glad to hear, cuz whenever this group has had to make a collection, it generally hasn't gone very well.


Ewan, the lead singer, says the band’s into “boots, jeans, denim, suede.” Sam, the drummer, asks for a caftain/dashiki sort of top. I love dashikis. Ryan, bass player, doesn’t make any specific requests — but he doesn’t have to, because his supremely bad ass boots ARE SPEAKING VOLUMES. I want to make out with him and play with his beautiful hair. Joshua: “The moment I saw these snakeskin cowboy boots, I was like, ‘I want that one!’” BACK OFF, BITCH. Leot, lead guitar, says he’s been looking for red bell bottom jeans or corduroy “forever.” I love corduroy. The Sheepdogs’ fashion sense and music rule.

Alas. This is when the episode takes a sad, sad turn for me, and I begin to stop loving Olivier. :(

Remember last week, when Olivier was all “I hate breasts,” and I was all, “THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORK IN MENSWEAR”? Um … that’s what he does. “I’m a menswear designer.” So, oops. (But still. It’s Project Runway, not Project Runway: Menswear. Get over it.) But just as I’m trying move past Boob Disgust, he starts in with Fat Hatred. “I think I’m sort of at a disadvantage because menswear is all about detail and fitting and proportion — and I got the biggest guy.” Olivier, please stop it. There are levels of fatness: 1. skinny, 2. a few pounds overweight, 3. fat, and 4. OH MY GOD YOU’RE A WHALE. Ewan’s a 2, not a 4. So knock it off.

Off to Mood! Where Viktor annoys me by getting blue denim because he can’t find the red denim Leot requested. Really, Viktor? It’s not blue denim that he’s been looking for “forever.” Laura Kathleen, also designing for Leot, makes the much smarter and also DUH-obvious move of buying denim and some red dye. Back in the workroom, Olivier is fret fret fretting about how Ewan is bigger than the mannequin. Ok, this is getting super old, super fast. Anya: “In real life, you’re gonna fit and have to make clothes for people who aren’t the same size as the mannequin. And this is just the reality” THANK YOU, ANYA.


During the consults, all the band members pretty much seemed to be mostly happy with what was being created for them except poor Ewan. Bert is making him women’s clothing in strange shades of purple. Lol. Olivier is using “a flowery pattern with swans on it.” Ewan hates both. Like, a lot.

Then Olivier is just FLAT OUT RUDE. :(
- Olivier: “Because he’s visually bigger on stage, so I don’t want to put a lot of things on him to make him ever bigger.”
- Ewan: “So you’re saying I’m a big man.”
- Olivier: “You’re big.”
Aawkward silence. Ewan just stares. Tim looks hella uncomfortable.


THEN IT CONTINUES. :(
- Tim: “Can you finish these up before the fitting?”
- Olivier: “That’s my concern, because Ewan is bigger than the mannequin.”
- Tim: “But this is an issue that every fashion designer faces. You need seam allowance. You have Ewan’s measurements.”
- Olivier: “I have all his measurements; it’s just sometimes it’s hard—” (Thankfully, Tim cuts him off before he can call Ewan fat again.)
- Tim: “But that shouldn’t make any difference. Just move forward.”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. :(
- Olivier: “You don’t feel that passionate when you’re designing for something that you don’t really care for. I never really thought of making things for plus-sized people — you can say I’m ignorant — because I’m always used to dress model size.”
Yes, you are quite ignorant! And for the love of god, EWAN ISN’T EVEN FAT, YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLY INSENSITIVE, NORMAL-SIZED-PEOPLE-HATING LOUT! Olivier love officially revoked. He is now in the please-don’t-win category with Joshua and Laura Kathleen. Team Anya or Anthony Ryan!


Since Ewan didn’t like the purple, Bert is re-re-re-dying the fabric to make it the right color, "to make him feel comfortable.” But Olivier, of a completely different mindset, is all “I don’t know if he’s going to be happy, but he’ll look good.” *sigh* During the fittings, Olivier’s pants look like crap on Ewan. Olivier gets a stern talking-to from Tim. Joshua: “All Olivier’s been doing the whole challenge is complaining about how much bigger Ewan is and that the form doesn’t fit. But any good flat pattern maker would’ve been able to have something other than some sloppy pair of pants.” THANK YOU, JOSHUA.


Eeeeeeeeeeeee eee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Omg! Adam Lambert is the guest judge! Adam, you don’t understand how much I love your music!! “Sleepwalker” and “Aftermath” are amaaaaaaaaaaaazing! Come give me a hug! Dammit, HUG MEEEEEEE!

*calms down*


Team Harmony’s look is too literal and very expected. Their theme was “a modern Jimi Hendrix,” but Michael Kors says the looks lack Jimi’s swagger. Agree. Heidi and Adam like Laura Kathleen’s outfit. I love those red pants. Michel Kors and Nina hate the tie-dye shirt and jacket. Agree. Bert’s trippy-cool 70s look for Ewan is a hit. Anya’s pants for Sam are well made, but the shirt is aaaaawful, and the overall look is too Pocahontas and “reggae Jesus.” (Michael Kors’ zingers keep cracking Adam up. Adam’s laugh is so stupid cute that I hug my tv.) Anthony Ryan’s sleeveless shirt and sleek pants for Ryan is my fave look of the four, but the judges did not like it. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.


Team Untitled also has hits and misses. Their theme was Western — which to me makes ZERO sense for a rock band, but whatevs. Olivier’s look for Ewan is, of course, terrible. It's “boring” and “boxy” and “almost too feminine” — AND OLIVIER EFFING CALLS EWAN FAT AGAIN. I actually yell, "Shut up!" Kudos to Ewan who, when asked how he felt about the clothes, started with "I appreciate all the work that went into this..." After being called fat 76 times and being forced to wear that hideousness, I certainly could not have been so diplomatic. Kimberly pulled an Anya and made for Sam awesome pants but a fugly shirt, which the judges detest. They have a collective happy-fit over the expertly tailored jacket and jeans Viktor made for Leot but do not like the shirt. Ryan likes the outfit Joshua made for him, from the wacky jacket and shirt to the white pants with their please-look-at-my-crotch zipper. I want to make out with Ryan and play with his beautiful hair.

Well, despite not making Leot red pants, Viktor wins. Leot wears the outfit for the photo shoot — everybody else changed clothes, lol — and yep, he looks good. And you know he totally kept those awesome red bell bottoms Laura Kathleen made for him and rocks them once a week. Kimberly and Olivier are in the bottom. Kimberly? She and Anya both made good pants but bad shirt, and while Kimberly’s shirt was pretty bad, Anya’s was aaaaawful. But it doesn’t matter; Olivier is the one sent home. YAY! The judges (rightfully) felt that a menswear designer should have done much better. And Olivier totally could have. But he refused. Because Ewan is “fat.” With fat-people hatred is that intense, I don’t understand why he didn’t ask someone on his team to switch band members with him.

I find it astonishing that just because he didn’t want to design for a “fat” person, Olivier simply gave up, made shitty clothes, got himself eliminated, and missed out on the chance win ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. Unbelievably prejudiced moron.

Project Runway, 9/8/11

Heidi: Two teams. No leaders. You all work together.
Josh: So do I get to be leader?

Slap him, I want to. Anyhoo, this time around, each team must make a new fabric, design a five-look collection, and shoot footage for a background music video. The mentor on this challenge is eternally cheery Betsey Johnson. Laura Kathleen, who I guess realized too much time has passed since she’s said something eye roll-inducing, chirps “I always say that I’m kind of like Betsey Johnson and Oscar de la Renta’s love child if they were to have a baby.” *eye roll* I was hoping Betsey’d do a cartwheel right there in the workroom; alas, I had to settle for watching a recorded one as she showed the designers video of her last collection. She then gave them some advice, which included, “Be cooperative. You have to throw away ‘me, me, me’ and go for the team.” Wise words, Bets. Too bad they likely fell on deaf ears.


Anthony Ryan and crew, Team Chaos, discuss a collection based on ink blot imagery. Interesting! Josh and crew, Team Nuts & Bolts, are finding inspiration in the circus no wait sea amoeba no wait scuba diving no wait female version of The Village People (?????????) no wait trains no wait clocks. That was so tortuously circuitous that it gave me brain ache … which was worsened by Josh blowing up at Bert for using “a swear word.” What WAS that? And I don’t give a damn that he recently lost his mother. That does not give someone an excuse to act like a complete assface. And then he apologized? Yeah, just like he apologized after bitching Becky out for no reason. Freak out, apologize, re-freak out, re-apologize. I’m over it.


In contrast, the members of Team Chaos are getting along great. Probably because being near Olivier (LOVE) causes happiness. Tim pops in, loves Chaos’s cohesion and positivity. Nuts & Bolts’ looks, on the other hand, confuse him, and he quickly recognizes the lack of unity. So much so that, after telling Josh to leave his ego at the door, he makes them join hands pledge to try to get along. LOL. After Tim’s bad review, Josh calls dad for moral support and cries a lot over his mother. I feel really sorry for him, but I repeat: it doesn’t excuse his constant assfacedness. Josh, Bryce, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen: do not win.


To nobody’s surprise, Chaos wins. To my surprise, for the second week in a row, I like Olivier’s (LOVE) look! And not kind of like, like last week. Surperlike! And Michael Kors agrees with me: “Olivier, I think the tailoring on your jacket’s fantastic. I think of all my years sitting in this chair, I think it’s one of the strongest tailored piece we’ve ever seen.” Nina: “Olivier, that’s the jacket I want.” My heart sings a happy song, I bounce up and down, and I officially forgive Michael Kors and Nina for Gretchengate. I KNEW Olivier (LOVE) had it in him! And then he was so bloody cute stumbling all over himself, hesitant and embarrassed about saying he thought he himself should be the winner.


Heidi says Nuts & Bolts’ collection is too busy. Michael Kors says it’s too literal. Nina said there were a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities. Their music video sucked. Michael HATES their stupid fabric, and praises Kimberly for refusing to use the prints in her outfit. Bert tells the judges that Josh went haywire bitchcakes on him, and then my Heidi proved why I heart her so much, pointing out to Josh that he has a pattern of fighting with his teammates: “I seem to recall a similar situation with Becky.” Ha! Josh pretended not to know what she was talking about. Heidi asks who’s the weakest link. Bert and Becky say Josh. Josh and Kimberly say Becky, but at least they have a reason. Laura Kathleen says Bert … because he mutters under his breath. ?????? I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.

The judges deliberate. Olivier’s (LOVE) jacket is killer. They also like Viktor’s gown and Anya’s dress. They praised Chaos for getting along, then moved on to Nuts & Bolts bashing. Becky’s look was boring. They agree that Bert has an attitude problem and is not a team player. Heidi questions Josh’s taste level, Nina says he came up with the worst print, Michael Kors calls him a dictator, guest judge calls him a bully. Ha! Surely he’s going home. And the winner is … ANYA? What—but—dammit! You got robbed, Olivier (LOVE). Ok, it’s down to Becky and Josh. *crosses fingers* And … Becky goes home. :( Wrong winner, wrong loser. I go to bed angry.

Project Runway, 9/1/11

Bert and Anthony Ryan have decided to put their differences aside and get along. And those of us who quickly tired of and were annoyed by everyone ganging up on Chris all last season long say YAY.


At the Harlem School of the Arts, Tim explains the challenge: kiddie artists are going to paint a picture, and then the designers must use that picture as inspiration for an avant garde look. Cool. I don’t really like avant garde challenges—most of the outfits look like crazy costumes to me—but this’ll be fun.
- Anthony Ryan is paired with a 17-yr-old Wu; they paint self portraits of themselves.
- Viktor is with 12-yr-old Skyy, who talks too much but paints beautiful swirls.
- Bert is getting along great with (cute) 16-yr-old Antonio because Antonio is very quiet.
- Josh C. seems to be telling 17-yr-old Sasha what to paint, some sort of wolf creature. Is that fair?
- Becky and 16-yr-old Maris are in outer space together.
- Olivier (LOVE) scares 17-yr-old Tonyalee telling her he likes really depressing music. Lol.
- Josh M. seems to like 15-yr-old Patrice’s work.
- Anya thinks 16-yr-old AJ is painting “trees on fire."
- 17-yr-old Aubrey is painting a face for Bryce.
- Laura Kathleen explains to 11-yr-old Kai how difficult the last challenge was. Kai says “Failure is opportunity in disguise.” I hit pause, write that down, and put it on my refrigerator.
- Kimberly loves the red and the shoulders in 11-yr-old Claudette’s bird painting. They high five.


Promise: if this is the episode that Olivier (LOVE) finally makes something I like, I swear on Mountain Dew that I will name a character in my novel after Tonyalee. Oh no—he’s buying chiffon! The fabric that got Danielle sent home last week! *worried* Ok, I’m seriously starting to hate Josh M. Like, HATE HIM. Last episode, he went bitchcakes on Becky, but he apologized so I tried to forgive him—but then this episode, he would not shut up about how much he severely hates Patrice’s painting. “What the hell is inspiring on this canvas?” My god, WHAT A DICK. Patrice is likely watching this episode, and probably with family and friends. Josh M.’s rude, insulting, infantile rant about the painting probably embarrassed the hell outta the poor kid. :( Josh C. had a way more level-headed approach: “I think the most important part of the inspiration is taking more of the emotions and feelings from the work, and not doing something too literal.” Yeah!

Arrrrrrggghhh. Hearing Bert’s moving story again, I came THIS close to getting choked up.


Viktor, who has been in my “Please Don’t Win” column ever since the team challenge debacle with Bert, got another strike, saying that Lady Gaga wears avant garde then insulting Beyonce’s clothing line. Look, fool. Lady Gaga’s looks are RIDICULOUS. She routinely makes all the worst dressed lists, and the blogosphere has a field day ripping apart her nonexistent fashion sense. If that’s avant garde (IT ISN’T), then I’ll opt instead for something from Beyonce’s House of Dereon clothing any day. And you WISH you had a clothing line as successful as hers. So eat poo, jerk.


The judges liked Laura Kathleen’s and Anthony Ryan’s dresses. Me too. First of all, they’re actually pretty; secondly, they really interpret their paintings well. I liked LK’s better, though. Wow, I HATED Josh M.’s look. A lot. I cannot BELIEVE the judges liked it. The bottom was paper bag; the top was crumpled, violently orange tissue paper. Yuck. And since he so detested the painting that inspired it, he doesn’t deserve the praise. But at least he didn’t win. Good for you, Anthony Ryan. (You got robbed, LK.)


I was kind of ok with Olivier’s (LOVE) wispy, wavy, airy dress. Very much not my favorite look, but since unlike all his other stuff I don’t totally loathe it, I guess I’m naming a character in my novel Tonyalee! He shoulda known better than to try to glue the dress onto his model, but when your time management skills are as bad as his, you get stuck. Not surprisingly, the judges hated his dress; they could clearly see that it was a hurried effort; plus, it had, like, NOTHING to do with Tonyalee’s painting. But they all agreed the bodice was well made, so mayhap he should be ok, in light of Josh C.’s bad wolf dress and Bert’s ridiculous pantsuit. DAMMIT, Heidi gave Bert a total pass for that catastrophe of a pantsuit? Eff! So, wow. I can’t believe that 1. Olivier (LOVE) was in the bottom two (it should have been Bert and Josh C.!) 2. with a look I kinda liked. I was panicking something fierce, but thankfully, the wolf dress out-uglied all others. Buh-bye (again), Josh.

Project Runway, 8/4/11

Yes! The unconventional-materials challenge. Hands down, my fave episode of every Project Runway season. Because anybody calling him or herself a designer can go to Mood, buy fine fabrics, and make clothes. But when all you have to work with is what you got at a pet store, you really have to be a. talented and b. creative. Real designers embrace the challenge and make amazing clothes. (See: Austin’s cute corn husk dress, grocery store challenge, season 1.) Fake posers, after bellyaching incessantly about how working with such materials is sooooooo beneath them, produce utter crap. (See: Emilo’s WTF-inducing bikini, hardware store challenge, season 7.)

Ok, I guess this is going to become a regular thing until she is (hopefully soon) eliminated, so here goes this week’s Laura Kathleen rant. Quote: “I was raised in a upper class family. … I’ve been shopping at Nieman’s since I was in single digits. That kinda gives me knowledge knowing I can’t put crap out there and expect people to call it luxury.” UGH. She has the oratory skills of frozen yogurt. And that statement makes ZERO sense and served no other purpose other than to remind us—AGAIN—that her family is rich. Well if they’re so rich, you braggadocios bimbo, they should have been able to afford better schools, where you would have learned that it’s “an upper class,” not “a upper class.”

Every season, there’s a designer who completely ignores Tim’s don’t-go-the-easy-route advice. This year, it’s Bert. Then again, why work hard if you don’t have to? He has immunity, so he could contrast-stitch “Michael and Nina are BLOOMING IDIOTS” onto his dress, and he’d be safe. (Who? Me? Still mad about Gretchen? Whatever gave you that idea????) Hmmmm … there’s potential in what Olivier (LOVE) is doing. I’m hopeful. I LOVE him (yes, it requires all caps), so I want to like his clothes, but I hated his look last week. OOOOH! Tim just gave me a new word: fabulocity.

Fave looks: Fallene’s, Viktor’s, Julie’s, Josh’s aquarium top-black skirt combo, and Anthony’s bird seed dress. Dammit, I don’t the like look Olivier (LOVE) sent down the runway this week, either. In fact … ok, I HATED it. But he totally transformed some very unconventional materials; plus I LOVE him so much that I don’t want him to go home. (I’m still not over losing Rafael last week.) So yay that the judges loved it! Eff, nobody liked Fallene’s (not even Fallene, lol)? But I thought it was cute!


I didn’t immediately hate Bryce’s pee-pad dress … then I compared it with Viktor’s pee-pad dress. The difference is night and day. Bryce dyed the pads a boring blue and glued them together into a snore-fest napkin dress. (Having said that, Nina irked me with that lame ass “She looks like she’s from the Blue Man Group.” Huh? Those guys wear black clothes, blue makeup on their heads, and blue gloves. Not blue napkin dresses. Pop culture reference FAIL, Nina.) Viktor, on the other hand, dyed the pads a pretty lavender and transformed them into a chic, well-fitted cocktail dress. Fabulocity! I can’t believe it wasn’t even among the top looks.


*sigh* Once again, Nina is stupid, and my Heidi is the voice of reason. LOVE for Olivier aside, I. Hated. His. Dress. But Nina preferred it just cuz the bird seed dress was an inch or so short???? Grrrr. And the guest judge chick could see it too, noting that “the fit wasn’t quite as perfect” as Anthony’s: “The top was a little dumpy.” Yeah that, and the dress was all-around fug. “If you put those two next to each other, bird seeds win!” Heidi almost-yelled at Nina. TEAM HEIDI. But, even though aquarium top or bird seeds should have won, yaaaaaaaaaay Olivier! LOVE.

Laugh laugh laugh laugh at that dirty look Heidi shot Nina when saying “I was overruled.” I’m totally getting the feeling that, like me, Heidi is not and will never be over Gretchengate. Wtf—Fallene’s in the bottom but Bryce is safe? Oh come on! Her dress was cute, dammit!!!!!!!!!!! But at least it didn’t get her sent home. Buh-bye, Josh!

Michael Kors: “I’m going through man-opause.” Ha ha ha ha ha!