Terra Nova, 11/14/11

Taylor and Rick are off fishing and, judging by the huge hunks of meat they’re using as bait, it ain’t for catfish. Back at TN, Elizabeth gets Maddy all super-nerd excited about the chance to meet Ken Horton, famed author and geologist, returning from a six-month expedition today. Horton’s convoy rolls into the opened gates with much fanfare and applause. Chief Science Officer Malcolm warmly welcomes him back; Horton calls him the wrong name then asks him to get the bags. I guess that title doesn’t carry as much weight as Malcolm thinks it does, heh. (Random: wow, did the character-creating department have a field day with this guy. He has longish, shaggy hair; walks with a limp and a cane; has a pronounced accent; and wears a skinny scarf looped and knotted around his neck and jodhpur pants tucked into knee-high boots. I think I know what I’m going to be next Halloween.)

Tom the Mole informs Josh that it’s time to do that favor for Mira. An illness has swept through the Sixers’ camp, Tom the Mole says, and they need a medicine: Azameth Schedule II Isomorph. (That’s a mouthful. What happened to simple names like Aspirin and Aleve?) The azameth is kept under tight security; Josh is going to have to steal Elizabeth’s key card to get it. Skye later tries to convince Josh not to do it and reminds him he doesn’t even really know if they can bring his girlfriend to TN. Strange that she should make that prudent point, when she’s the one who told Josh that Tom could do it in the first place. Anyway, Josh tells Tom that before he’ll get the meds, he wants proof that Cara’s coming. That night he’s sneaked into the Sixers’ camp (where I see not one sick person, mind you!), and Mira lets him talk to Cara via hologram/video phone-thingy for a few seconds. I’m imagining all kinds of ways that could’ve been faked, but it’s proof enough for Josh, and he agrees to get the azameth.

(Random: I want to know what “Maddy” is short for. Madeline? Margaret? Madison?) Maddy gushes to Horton about how awesome his book is; he asks her if she’d like to be his intern. She jumps at the chance and then starts the UH OHness. Firstly, she makes a dorky geologist joke, and Horton laughs like he’s never heard it, although it’s in his book. Secondly, she asks if he ever [did some sciencey thing], and he says no, despite the fact that in a response to fan mail she sent him years ago, he’d said he could wait to. Thirdly, upon examining that letter he sent her, Maddy realizes the signature on it doesn’t match the autograph he just signed on her book. Maddy’s troubled by all this, but Elizabeth brushes it off reminding her that Horton has had a stroke; maybe that explains the discrepancies.


Rick and Taylor are hiking back to their rover when they come across an abandoned campsite. The Sixers wouldn’t leave such an obvious camp, so Taylor assumes it’s Currin, the soldier he recently banished from TN. Taylor tells Rick to head on back to camp; he (Taylor) is staying OTG one more day. (That’s “outside the gate.” Learn your TN acronyms already!)


As Horton limps and Maddy walks around an apple orchard ruined by black mold, she gives him the letter, which he’d asked to see, then asks him about an expedition he went on. It was apparently a big deal, but he remembers nothing, blaming it on old age. He then tries to wow her by letting her release a colony of flying beetles that will eat the mold and save the apples (very cool special effect right there), but Maddy’s suspicions are not eased, especially when she later asks for the letter back and Horton claims to have misplaced it. Since Elizabeth didn’t take her seriously, Maddy runs her suspicions by Zoe. Who, as an adorable six-year-old, can’t really help, but does provide an excuse for us to get to hear Maddy explaining her hunches out loud all episode long. Maddy waits til Horton leaves the lab, then sneaks in to look for her letter. Just as she finds its burned remains in the trash; he comes back. She scoots under a table and watches as he stops using his cane and walks perfectly fine, then starts limping as he leaves. Old age and stroke can’t explain that away! Maddy suspects he’s an impostor. She tests the DNA from an envelope the real Horton licked against the DNA from a cup the might-be-fake Horton just drank from, sharing her theory with CSO Malcolm. Alas, the test results are a match. Alas again, the might-be-fake Horton was eavesdropping on the entire conversation.


Josh steals Elizabeth’s key card and takes it to Tom, who makes an unidentifiable copy and gives Josh a stun gun to use on the lowest setting in case anyone interrupts him. Josh breaks into the hospital and tries the key card, but it doesn’t work — Gee, thanks, Tom. — so Josh cranks the gun all the way up and shoots the locked cabinet doors. The blast throws him backward, but he staggers to his feet and does the job. Rick gets back to TN just in time to investigate to robbery.


Taylor finds Currin, who has a festering leg wound. Like the rest of us, Currin wonders if Taylor's there to kill him, but Taylor gives him something for the infection, puts maggots on the wound (They’ll eat the dead flesh, you see.), and scares off the bloody huge komodo dragon that bit Currin and is hanging around waiting for him to die. (Let's just call it, right here and right now: Taylor is the bad assiest bad ass ever to bad assify. The End.) Why's Taylor being so nice? It ain't cuz he's just feeling friendly. When Currin’s better, Taylor instructs him to go to the Sixers’ camp and become Taylor’s mole. If he does, Taylor might let him back into TN; if he doesn’t, Taylor might kill him. Currin chooses option A.

Refusing to let this go — I’m loving how Nancy Drew she is this episode — Maddy visits The Eye and finds out that the real Horton’s research assistant, who could well have licked closed and mailed that envelope, is now missing, and that just before Horton was scheduled to come to TN, an unidentified male’s body was found. Fake Horton enters The Eye just then, but before he can do anything to her, someone wanders in and Maddy takes off running. To go tell her mom? To go sound the alarm? No. To pick Zoe up from school. WTF? Anyway, she’s too late; Fake Horton has kidnapped Zoe to lure Maddy to the apple orchard. Maddy sends Zoe give Rick a coded message; he finds her just as Fake Horton is trying to induce death by spider bite. Whew!


Rick and Elizabeth chide Maddy (gently, cuz she was just almost murdered) about trying to handle this herself. Yeah! She could’ve at least told her hot boyfriend! During this conversation, Josh does that thing that only happens in movies/on television: wracked with guilt, he suddenly decides to come clean about the whole thing: trying to illegally get Cara on the next Pilgrimage, stealing the azameth, giving it to the Sixers, Tom being the mole. Tom is arrested (though I seriously doubt that the Sixers have only one mole in TN, so do your job, Currin.), during which Rick roughs him up cuz Rick's mad that Tom got Josh involved with the Sixers — in which case, it should really be Skye that Rick is slamming into walls.

When Taylor hears the Sixers can communicate with 2149 w/o the portal being open, he realizes his son Lucas is in cahoots with them. :( He looks so sad.

Terra Nova, 11/7/11

Instead of people being eaten, this episode opens with a calming scene of domesticity for a change. Josh and Maddy are getting on each other’s nerves, Elizabeth is leaving for work, Rick is about to take Zoe to a secret location he hasn’t divulged “because no one in this family can keep a secret.” Huh? Hold your horses there, buddy. You and Elizabeth hid Zoe for three years, you’re not telling Taylor what Mira told you, Maddy’s sneaking out to see Hot Mark (Approve.), and Josh is in cahoots with the Sixers. Except for Zoe, I’d say you’re all pretty damn secretive.


Chief Science Officer Malcolm and Taylor are examining that shiny box Mira sent Newt-oops-I-mean-Lea to Terra Nova to get. They still can’t figure out how to open it.

FINALLY, this show tries to discourage and not encourage underage drinking. Instead of showing the happy teenagers indulging, we see Hunter doubled up on an examination table, sick after drinking the juice of an unfermented taroca root. Elizabeth lectures for a bit, then examines him and sees A THIRTY-FOOT TAROCA WORM GROWING INSIDE HIM. See kids? There are repercussions for drinking, whether it’s a DUI, unadulterated parental fury, or a ginormous prehistoric intestinal parasite.


Rick takes Zoe to The Eye, which is a supercool digital history library that shows you whatever you want. She wants to see where she was born; he shows her the house way out in the middle of nowhere where he and Elizabeth sneaked off to have her. Then she wants to go on a virtual roller coaster ride. I’m jealous; it looks fun. Hot Mark takes Maddy to a field where pretty flowers are growing — how very Twilight of him — so they can picnic. She calls him beautiful; he calls her perfect. They start to kiss, but are interrupted (Dammit!) by a rumbling in the distance.

It’s a meteor hurtling through the sky! (Side note: it’s kind of pretty.) It emits an electromagnetic pulse that causes a Terra Nova-wide power outage, interrupting Rick and Zoe’s roller coaster ride and stopping Hunter’s worm removal surgery before it evens starts. Then it slams into the ground, sending a destructive sonic wave through the camp. The hospital is overrun with injured people, Hunter’s going to have to have that worm taken out the old fashioned way, Rick and Zoe are trapped in the basement, and their rover is dead so Hot Mark and Maddy have to hike the six kliks back to camp.

CSO Malcolm can make replacement chips to fix all the broken electronic stuff … after his chip-making machine is itself fixed. Which only Tom the Mole can do. Taylor, no fan of Tom’s (Oh, just wait til you find out he’s the mole, Taylor!), actually growls. HA! He hasn’t done that since the premiere. Out in the forest, Mira gets word that TN has “gone dark.” She orders everyone to prepare for a raid. Ooooooooh, but the last time the Sixers stormed the castle, Taylor said if they did it again, the isht would hit the fan!


As Elizabeth cuts Hunter open and starts extracting the parasite, Skye watches. She's a much cooler cucumber than Maddy was that day she observed her mom working. (Hunter asks why he can't be put to sleep; Elizabeth sayz cuz with the power out, she wouldn't be able to monitor his vitals. YEAH RIGHT. She just wants him wide awake to have to endure the consequences of drinking. High five, Elizabeth!) When she has to go help some severely wounded soldier, Skye takes over. As she’s working, Hunter tells her he likes her and wishes she weren’t in love with Josh. The worm, having had quite enough of this incredibly awkward conversation, re-enters Hunter and starts wreaking havoc. Elizabeth sends Skye running to Tom for the first available chip to work some suddenly desperately needed surgical equipment. Night falls out in the forest, where the Sixers are driving a huge dino toward TN. Elsewhere, Hot Mark and Maddy have covered themselves in smelly mud and climbed a tree to stay safe til morning. They kiss! They kiss! Yay! Awwwwwwww!


After Zoe crawls through a shaft and unlocks the door from the outside, she and Rick are finally free; he sends her to school and joins Taylor and the soldiers at the gate … just in time to see the raging dino approach. Unperturbed as always, Taylor hands Rick a crossbow, and they shoot some flammable arrows that erupt into a dino-deterring wall of flame. But Taylor realizes this was a diversion. He and Rick head off to the research lab, where Mira’s impenetrable box is.


Josh rushes the chip to Elizabeth; Hunter is saved. Maddy sneaks back home before anybody misses her. Rick and Taylor enter the lab, Taylor gets shot with an arrow, Rick goes running after Carter, who has the box, Tom enters and shoots the guy fighting Taylor (Good call, cuz that'll totally convince Taylor that Tom's not the mole.), Rick chases Carter all over camp, but he gets away and gives the box to Mira.

They take it to … Taylor’s son! The box is a computer of sorts containing information he needs to do his research. Mira warns him that Taylor probably knows he’s getting close to an answer; he responds Taylor will have to kill him to stop him.

Terra Nova, 10/31/11

Yeah, um … with the double threat of Sixers and all manner of dinosaurs roaming the forest, I would very much NOT be the soldier sent out alone at night. And Soldier Foster proves why when he arrives at Communication Relay Station 19A — then is promptly eaten. :( The next morning, as his remains are carried out, Chief Science Officer Malcolm (he gets mad if you don’t call him that) explains to Taylor and Jim that it was a narcoraptor. “Narcoraptor”???? Ha ha ha! Narcotics. Narcolepsy. It kills you, then gets high, then falls asleep. Ha ha ha! Oh — wait. Jim pronounces it more clearly: “nikoraptor.” Damn British accent.

Josh is hard at work in the bar, because teenagers can work in bars on Terra Nova, when his boss, Tom the Mole, tells Josh he’s going to have to do something if he wants Cara brought to TN. Uh oh.

CSO Malcolm brings a cracked dino egg back to the hospital, where Elizabeth’s busy autopsying Foster at Jim's request. When she finds the blood of both a nikoraptor and its prey on Foster’s body, Jim tells Taylor and Lt. Wash that he (Jim) thinks somebody set Foster up. Death by niko, if you will. Taylor’s skeptical, but tells Wash and Jim to investigate. They head to the bar to question Foster’s two friends, one of whom is Maddy’s boyfriend Hot Mark. “Hey Mr. Shannon,” he says dully, and I’m thoroughly disappointed he wasn’t all, “Most enthusiastic greetings and salutations, good sir.” I guess sadness over the death of his friend has robbed him of his penchant for old-timey talk. Hot Mark and Other Friend tell Wash and Jim that Foster had a secret girlfriend, whose pic he was always looking at on his computerized dog tag thingy. (Random: I totally dig how Wash wears her gun in a thigh holster. IN A THIGH HOLSTER. Cool factor: off the charts.) She and Jim head to the hospital to get Foster’s personal effects … just in time to see CSO Malcom’s dino egg quiver. Omg! Yes! Raise it and try to domesticate it! That would be so awesome! Why hasn’t he tried this already? CSO duty FAIL.

The locator in Foster’s tag is on the move. Because it’s inside the niko that ate him. Dinosaur huntin’ time. Oh man, it looks like fun! Driving rovers and motorcycles at top speed, they chase it down and tranq it. Nope, they don’t kill it, to the overwhelming approval of PETA. Wash, who’s a combat medic (who once had to put 67 stitches in Taylor’s side), does a bit of surgery and cuts it open to get what they need. She recognizes the pic on Foster’s tag, some chick who works in the mess hall. They question her and her nervous husband, who doesn’t need much prodding before he admits to killing Foster. The first murder in TN! Taylor has to decide if he’s going to banish Hubby or imprison him. Jim and Elizabeth argue about it later: she thinks banishments is cruel; he’s of the opinion that he’d much rather have been banished to a sunny jungle, dinos or no dinos, than imprisoned for several years; she says what if Hubby was forced to confess? (It’s entirely too convenient that she hit upon that, but) Jim, remembering how jumpy the dude was, has to pause.

At the hospital, CSO Malcolm has discovered the baby inside the dino egg has birth defects. Elizabeth insists they try to save it. I do too. During a stroll through the marketplace, Josh tells Sky that Tom the Mole wants him to meet with Mira. She tries to convince him not to do it, but Josh had three friends who killed themselves because 2149 sucked so bad, and he’ll do anything to get Cara out of there. Skye says she’ll go with him.


Hubby is banished! (And I fully support Taylor in that decision.) Jim strolls into the jungle to check on him. “Between the wildlife and the Sixers, there’s a lot of ways to die in this jungle,” he says. Oh, hello, very first sentence of this recap. So, Hubby didn’t kill Foster; he confessed only cuz he thought Wifey did it. But she didn’t do it either. There’s still a murderer on the loose! Taylor’s understandably furious that Jim went after Hubby, tells Jim he best find out if there even is a real killer, and fast, or else Hubby is going to be re-banished faster than you can say “And stay out!”

At the hospital, CSO Malcolm watches Elizabeth perform in-egg surgery on the dino baby, complimenting her skill. *eye roll* Malcolm, please get a girlfriend.


Jim following up on a new lead, Wifey telling him that Foster had a gambling problem and that Tom the Mole runs the illegal gambling, leads him to the bar, where he’s shocked to see Josh. WTF. How could he not know that his son has a job? Anyway, Jim sends Josh home; Tom the Mole is arrested. Curiously, during Tom the Mole’s interrogation, Other Friend shoots Hot Mark a nervous glance, which Hot Mark either doesn’t notice or pretends not to see. Oh, ok. The arrest of Tom the Mole was a ruse to flush out Other Friend, who is the killer. Out in the forest, Taylor beats his ass square for killing Foster, then banishes him. (Prediction: he’s going to join the Sixers.) And since Tom the Mole played along helping to catch Other Friend, Jim lets Josh go back to working in the bar.

Josh and Skye meet with Mira and the Sixers. She says that she’ll help bring Cara to TN if Josh agrees to help her at some point in the future. Deal? He says yes. No, Josh. Nooooooooooooooooooo.

The egg hatches, and a healthy little baby dino pops out. Yay!

Terra Nova, 9/26/11

Verdict: I’m hooked.

Hour One:

No slow build-up here. The drama starts right away. In 2149, police officer Jim Shannon is arrested and imprisoned after the discovery of his illegal third child. After all, “Family is Four!” scream the billboards, and he and wife Dr. Elizabeth Shannon already have two kids, Josh and Maddy. Two years later, Elizabeth gets the call: she’s been selected to make the one-way trip 85 million years backward to Terra Nova (TN)! Well … if she leaves that pesky third child behind, that is. So she does what anyone would do: breaks her husband out of prison, sneaks him into the TN-bound group, and smuggles third child along in a backpack. (Yes, in real life it would have been much harder. Hush.)


The contrast of TN earth to 2149 earth is quite dramatic. Bye bye dirty, rotting metropolis; we’re now in a verdant, sunny paradise (where allosaurs often trip the sonic mines). Commander Nathaniel Taylor gives a sweeping welcome speech to the large crowd of newcomers, then meets with Jim to let him know that while Taylor doesn’t really care about population control laws from 85 million years in the future, he’s still got half a mind to throw Jim outside of the fence and let him go play with the allosaurs. Jim counters that he’s a cop and could probably be of good use, but Taylor assigns him to agricultural detail. Which would be like if a chef bragged to you about his awesome cooking skills and you assign him to dishwashing detail. But Jim, just happy to no longer be making license plates, cheerfully accepts. As Jim walks away, Taylor growls. He did! I rewound it three times. He growled. LOL! I like Taylor.


A hot young soldier leads the Shannons to their new home. As they settle in, Josh goes all teen angst on us (He’s mad at Jim for having gone to prison.); then we get our first glimpse of dinosaurs when little third child — ok, ok — when little Zoe wanders off into the backyard and happens upon a herd of brontosaurs chowing down on some treetops. They can easily reach over the fence with their long necks, so Zoe feeds one. “Mommy, can we keep it?” No, Zoe didn’t say that. I did.

The next day, Elizabeth starts doctoring, Jim starts weeding (as Taylor keeps a close eye on him from afar), Maddy and Zoe go to orientation, and Josh skips orientation to wander around. He bumps into Skye.
Who we immediately know is going to be trouble. She leads him to a house inhabited by 16-year-old kids. (One is Max, played by Eka Darville, whom I’ve had a crush on since season one of Spartacus, so PLEASE don’t let him be a throw-away character who’s going to die in like episode two.) Apparently a house full of kids is normal in TN. They all have jobs, you see. I still don’t get it, but whatevs. Josh and the kids head OTG (outside the gate). Wait — really? I mean, I know I’m exactly twice as old as this bunch, but still. Even at 16, running around unprotected in a DINOSAUR-FILLED forest would very much not have been my idea of a good time. In the forest, Skye strips to a skimpy bikini to go swimming, shows Josh a bunch of strange markings on rocks, and makes him promise not to tell anyone about them.

Back at camp, that hot young soldier flirts for a bit with Maddy, whose idea of flirting back is describing a brontosaur’s teeth. :(

In the hospital, Elizabeth tends to an unconscious dude who was shot for stealing. FOOLED YOU! He was only fake unconsciousing. Dude grabs Elizabeth, holds a glowing weapon thingy to her throat, gets the guard’s gun, and bolts.
As Dude hurries through the camp, looking all kinds of suspicious, he catches Jim’s eye. Jim, whose policeman’s instincts have not been dulled by his 22 minutes as a farmer, follows Dude — and tackles him just as he pulls the pilfered gun and gets a shot off at Taylor. Taylor, realizing that Jim is more Robocop than Old MacDonald, takes him for a hike during which he explains that Dude is a Sixer: a member of another group on TN. Sixers (who came on the Sixth Pilgrimage) seemed normal at first, but it soon became clear that they had an ulterior motive. They splintered off from the main group and now live in hiding somewhere in the forest (Ok, is NOBODY afraid of the damn dinosuars?!?!). No one knows who sent them or why.
Taylor leads Jim to where they can look down over TN (great view, complete with pterodactyl soaring overhead), tells him that this new beginning is what they’re fighting for, and offers him a job on the security team. Jim accepts. Agriculture detail crew: “We didn’t like you anyway!”


Hour Two:

Taylor and Jim see Sixers speeding toward TN and race to their own vehicle to stop them. The Sixers are busy firing at a rampaging carnitaurus. “I hate carnitaurus,” Taylor says — then he jumps out of the vehicle and by himself armed with only a gun distracts the carno long enough for everyone including the Sixers to get safely inside the gate.

Taylor’s level of bad-assery: high.


As the dust settles, the leader of the Sixers steps forth. (It’s a chick! A black chick! Yaaaaaaaaaaay, minority females in position of power!!!) Her name is Mira, and she wants to trade meteoric iron (Sixers control the mines, you see, and TNers need its ore) for ammo, meds, and Dude, whose name is Carter. She says they know Carters’s locked up in the brig because they have spies inside TN. (Ooooh! A MOLE! Who is it? Who’s the dirty mole????) Taylor says she can have meds and Carter but no ammo.

Out in the forest, Josh and the kids … are making moonshine. *sigh* Really? 85 million years in the past, and they’re recycling such present-day problems as underage drinking. You’d think they’d be into something still stupid but waaaaaaaaay cooler. Like trying to catch, tame, and ride pterodactyls, which is what I’d be doing. Skye scores points with me cuz she refuses the moonshine when Josh offers her some. Alcohol sucks.

Taylor and Elizabeth chat in the hospital. We learn that Taylor had a son who came to TN as part of the Second Pilgrimage but went missing a few years ago.


Out in the forest, the Sixers are on their way back to their base when they come across the kids’ abandoned vehicle. Two stop to strip it of its power cells. They’re attacked by a hungry slasher; it kills one of them, wounds the other. Back at camp, Taylor et. al realize the kids sneaked out and head out after them. The kids arrive at their vehicle, find it dead, see a Sixer vehicle a few feet away. The others are afraid, but Skye fearlessly heads right on over, and she also recognizes the wounded Sixer inside. (Is Skye is the mole?) She then tells Josh how to slow the Sixer’s heavy bleeding, rattles off facts about the slashers’ preferred hunting methods, AND tells Josh to shoot at them in short bursts to control his ammo. This ain’t no ordinary random 16-yr-old girl, y’all. Sadly, Tasha, the other 16-yr-old girl, is ordinary, and she freaks completely out, leaves the safety of the vehicle, and goes off running through the slashers-filled forest.

Back at TN, the hot soldier, apparently a fan of chicks who know a lot about brontosaur teeth, stops by to ask Maddy if she’s ok.

Out in the forest, the search party runs into a bleeding and in-shock Tasha and figures out which direction she came from. Back in the vehicle, Skye tells Josh she’s an orphan. Then a slasher breaks in and pulls a kid out by the leg, Skye runs out of ammo, Max gets wounded (DAMMIT!); then just as they’re all about to be slasher snacks, the search party finds them. The wounded Sixer has bled to death.


Safely back at TN, Skye tells Taylor how sorry she is. (And I know everyone was glad to find the kids alive, but I still would like to see them get in way more trouble than they did.) Taylor asks Skye if they went anywhere near the falls. She lies and says no. Cut to: Mira and Carter are at the waterfall; they see the kids’ footprints. Mira says Taylor won’t like that. Carter asks why Taylor doesn’t just have the rocks blasted to rubble, and Mira says because the markings on the rocks are Taylor’s only connection to his son. *gasp* It’s Taylor’s "missing" kid scribbling on the rocks! According to Mira, he does it “to remind Taylor of the real reason for Terra Nova’s existence: control the past, control the future.” OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!

Project Runway, 9/15/11

Whenever Heidi announces that the designers will be working with new models, I get excited. Over the years we’ve seen pregnant chicks, brides, overweight chicks, formerly overweight chicks, little girls, stiltwalkers, etc. What’ll it be this time? It will be … DUDES! And not male models, either. Regular dudes. Any time the models are regular people, you can bet your bottom dollar there will be fat discrimination. Josh leads the way with “I’m not whatsoever intimidated; I’m intimidated by the waistlines.” Anya: “I choose Mike because he has the most slender frame. It’s perfect.” Even Olivier (LOVE) chimes in: “In the end, we’re left with all these fat people. And fat is fine! But not when I’m making clothes.” At least he made a (half-hearted) attempt to assure us that he doesn’t hate fatties. LOL. Ooooooh, the old switcharoo! They’re not designing for the men; they’re designing for the men’s wives/girlfriends. I cross my fingers and toes and hope to all the gods that Joshua’s, Anya’s, and Olivier’s (LOVE) model’s wives are all 300 pounds overweight. Lol. (Laura Kathleen prays her guy is rich with a fabulous wife. *eye roll*)

Viktor’s guy knows nothing about what his girl wants. Anya’s guy knows nothing about what his girl wants. Bert’s guy, whom I immediately dislike, describes his girl as “a hot piece of tushie,” tells Bert her boobs are what attracted him to her, later calls himself “the booby monster” and demonstrates his motorboating technique, and wants Bert to make something very low-cut. Joshua asks his guy if his girl would be into lace; he responds that she keeps it “tame and simple.” Bryce’s guy wants something cutesy, elegant, girly, and pink. Anthony Ryan’s guy, whom I immediately like, may be a tall tattooed stocky long-haired mustached bear, but he’s a teddy bear. He wants Anthony Ryan to recreate a dress of his girl’s that he lost in an airport because it would make her “squeal with excitement.” Awww! Laura Kathleen’s guy instructs her to picture herself “darker, taller, and maybe bustier.” Wow. It’s called “tact,” dude. Olivier (temporary de-LOVE), continuing with the fat-ism, is not pleased that his guy’s girl has “ginormous” breasts. “I don’t like women having boobs. I just want them to be flat when it comes to design. I think that distracts from the whole line.” Um … then maybe YOU SHOULD WORK IN MENSWEAR.


Arrival of the women! Ok, to be fair, Laura Kathleen’s chick actually IS a darker, taller, bustier Laura Kathleen, lol. Laura Kathleen says she’s ok designing for Barbies cuz usually they’re the ones with money. WE GET IT, LAURA KATHLEEN. YOU LOVE WEALTH AND HATE POOR PEOPLE. Bert’s chick, thank god, reigns in her husband’s cleavage-exposing obsession. Anya’s nervous about making for her chick (who is not 300 pounds overweight. Darn!) a silk garment. Viktor’s pleased when his chick arrives wearing something very similar to what he’s making. Anthony’s chick is loving her replace-the-lost dress; her teddy bear husband BEAMS. Kimberly’s chick is shocked that her boyfriend helped design an actually pretty dress, lol. Joshua … SIGH… was told very specifically to make something simple, and what does he do? Puts little metal tiles on the dress. His chick immediately shoots that down as “too showy.” He moans that when his guy “said simple; I didn’t realize he meant SIMPLE.” *annoyed* But let us give him credit; at least he didn’t subject her to The Wrath of Joshua. Though you know he wanted to. Olivier (LOVE) and his chick are (politely) clashing over how the garment should look. Bryce’s chick loves the pink fabric he selected, but he hates it so he gets out the fabric dye. Then he cries over how much he misses his boyfriend, but I’m still too mad at how much of an utter dick he was to Fallene to feel sorry for him. Jerk.


Ok, I agreed with like NONE of the judging. Anya’s Japanese- and African-inspired kimono gets high praise. I don’t like it. Joshua’s now-simple black dress gets high praise. I’m not so impressed. Viktor’s shirt-and-skirt combo gets high praise. I HATE IT. I liked Olivier’s (LOVE) shirt-and-pants combo; it didn’t even place. :(


Bert, Bryce, and—darn!—Anthony Ryan are in the bottom. Bert’s dress is too original and safe. If the neckline weren’t so low, I’d like it. Bryce’s pink dress, according to Nina, has too much going on. I, however, love it. Anthony Ryan’s replace-the-lost-dress is a “cheerleader-sailor child’s uniform.” I, however, love it.


Joshua wins. BOOOOOOOOOOO! He does a cartwheel. I pettily wish he’d fallen off stage. He races in to tell the other designers that he won, then wants people to touch his chest to feel how fast his heart’s beating. Anya politely does—then Olivier (LOVE) actually snatches his hand away so he won’t have to. Ha haha ha! The bottom two are Anthony Ryan and Bryce. TRUE LOVE SAVED ANTHONY RYAN! Bryce goes home. Fallene and I cheer.

Project Runway, 9/8/11

Heidi: Two teams. No leaders. You all work together.
Josh: So do I get to be leader?

Slap him, I want to. Anyhoo, this time around, each team must make a new fabric, design a five-look collection, and shoot footage for a background music video. The mentor on this challenge is eternally cheery Betsey Johnson. Laura Kathleen, who I guess realized too much time has passed since she’s said something eye roll-inducing, chirps “I always say that I’m kind of like Betsey Johnson and Oscar de la Renta’s love child if they were to have a baby.” *eye roll* I was hoping Betsey’d do a cartwheel right there in the workroom; alas, I had to settle for watching a recorded one as she showed the designers video of her last collection. She then gave them some advice, which included, “Be cooperative. You have to throw away ‘me, me, me’ and go for the team.” Wise words, Bets. Too bad they likely fell on deaf ears.


Anthony Ryan and crew, Team Chaos, discuss a collection based on ink blot imagery. Interesting! Josh and crew, Team Nuts & Bolts, are finding inspiration in the circus no wait sea amoeba no wait scuba diving no wait female version of The Village People (?????????) no wait trains no wait clocks. That was so tortuously circuitous that it gave me brain ache … which was worsened by Josh blowing up at Bert for using “a swear word.” What WAS that? And I don’t give a damn that he recently lost his mother. That does not give someone an excuse to act like a complete assface. And then he apologized? Yeah, just like he apologized after bitching Becky out for no reason. Freak out, apologize, re-freak out, re-apologize. I’m over it.


In contrast, the members of Team Chaos are getting along great. Probably because being near Olivier (LOVE) causes happiness. Tim pops in, loves Chaos’s cohesion and positivity. Nuts & Bolts’ looks, on the other hand, confuse him, and he quickly recognizes the lack of unity. So much so that, after telling Josh to leave his ego at the door, he makes them join hands pledge to try to get along. LOL. After Tim’s bad review, Josh calls dad for moral support and cries a lot over his mother. I feel really sorry for him, but I repeat: it doesn’t excuse his constant assfacedness. Josh, Bryce, Viktor, and Laura Kathleen: do not win.


To nobody’s surprise, Chaos wins. To my surprise, for the second week in a row, I like Olivier’s (LOVE) look! And not kind of like, like last week. Surperlike! And Michael Kors agrees with me: “Olivier, I think the tailoring on your jacket’s fantastic. I think of all my years sitting in this chair, I think it’s one of the strongest tailored piece we’ve ever seen.” Nina: “Olivier, that’s the jacket I want.” My heart sings a happy song, I bounce up and down, and I officially forgive Michael Kors and Nina for Gretchengate. I KNEW Olivier (LOVE) had it in him! And then he was so bloody cute stumbling all over himself, hesitant and embarrassed about saying he thought he himself should be the winner.


Heidi says Nuts & Bolts’ collection is too busy. Michael Kors says it’s too literal. Nina said there were a lot of mistakes and missed opportunities. Their music video sucked. Michael HATES their stupid fabric, and praises Kimberly for refusing to use the prints in her outfit. Bert tells the judges that Josh went haywire bitchcakes on him, and then my Heidi proved why I heart her so much, pointing out to Josh that he has a pattern of fighting with his teammates: “I seem to recall a similar situation with Becky.” Ha! Josh pretended not to know what she was talking about. Heidi asks who’s the weakest link. Bert and Becky say Josh. Josh and Kimberly say Becky, but at least they have a reason. Laura Kathleen says Bert … because he mutters under his breath. ?????? I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.

The judges deliberate. Olivier’s (LOVE) jacket is killer. They also like Viktor’s gown and Anya’s dress. They praised Chaos for getting along, then moved on to Nuts & Bolts bashing. Becky’s look was boring. They agree that Bert has an attitude problem and is not a team player. Heidi questions Josh’s taste level, Nina says he came up with the worst print, Michael Kors calls him a dictator, guest judge calls him a bully. Ha! Surely he’s going home. And the winner is … ANYA? What—but—dammit! You got robbed, Olivier (LOVE). Ok, it’s down to Becky and Josh. *crosses fingers* And … Becky goes home. :( Wrong winner, wrong loser. I go to bed angry.

Project Runway, 9/1/11

Bert and Anthony Ryan have decided to put their differences aside and get along. And those of us who quickly tired of and were annoyed by everyone ganging up on Chris all last season long say YAY.


At the Harlem School of the Arts, Tim explains the challenge: kiddie artists are going to paint a picture, and then the designers must use that picture as inspiration for an avant garde look. Cool. I don’t really like avant garde challenges—most of the outfits look like crazy costumes to me—but this’ll be fun.
- Anthony Ryan is paired with a 17-yr-old Wu; they paint self portraits of themselves.
- Viktor is with 12-yr-old Skyy, who talks too much but paints beautiful swirls.
- Bert is getting along great with (cute) 16-yr-old Antonio because Antonio is very quiet.
- Josh C. seems to be telling 17-yr-old Sasha what to paint, some sort of wolf creature. Is that fair?
- Becky and 16-yr-old Maris are in outer space together.
- Olivier (LOVE) scares 17-yr-old Tonyalee telling her he likes really depressing music. Lol.
- Josh M. seems to like 15-yr-old Patrice’s work.
- Anya thinks 16-yr-old AJ is painting “trees on fire."
- 17-yr-old Aubrey is painting a face for Bryce.
- Laura Kathleen explains to 11-yr-old Kai how difficult the last challenge was. Kai says “Failure is opportunity in disguise.” I hit pause, write that down, and put it on my refrigerator.
- Kimberly loves the red and the shoulders in 11-yr-old Claudette’s bird painting. They high five.


Promise: if this is the episode that Olivier (LOVE) finally makes something I like, I swear on Mountain Dew that I will name a character in my novel after Tonyalee. Oh no—he’s buying chiffon! The fabric that got Danielle sent home last week! *worried* Ok, I’m seriously starting to hate Josh M. Like, HATE HIM. Last episode, he went bitchcakes on Becky, but he apologized so I tried to forgive him—but then this episode, he would not shut up about how much he severely hates Patrice’s painting. “What the hell is inspiring on this canvas?” My god, WHAT A DICK. Patrice is likely watching this episode, and probably with family and friends. Josh M.’s rude, insulting, infantile rant about the painting probably embarrassed the hell outta the poor kid. :( Josh C. had a way more level-headed approach: “I think the most important part of the inspiration is taking more of the emotions and feelings from the work, and not doing something too literal.” Yeah!

Arrrrrrggghhh. Hearing Bert’s moving story again, I came THIS close to getting choked up.


Viktor, who has been in my “Please Don’t Win” column ever since the team challenge debacle with Bert, got another strike, saying that Lady Gaga wears avant garde then insulting Beyonce’s clothing line. Look, fool. Lady Gaga’s looks are RIDICULOUS. She routinely makes all the worst dressed lists, and the blogosphere has a field day ripping apart her nonexistent fashion sense. If that’s avant garde (IT ISN’T), then I’ll opt instead for something from Beyonce’s House of Dereon clothing any day. And you WISH you had a clothing line as successful as hers. So eat poo, jerk.


The judges liked Laura Kathleen’s and Anthony Ryan’s dresses. Me too. First of all, they’re actually pretty; secondly, they really interpret their paintings well. I liked LK’s better, though. Wow, I HATED Josh M.’s look. A lot. I cannot BELIEVE the judges liked it. The bottom was paper bag; the top was crumpled, violently orange tissue paper. Yuck. And since he so detested the painting that inspired it, he doesn’t deserve the praise. But at least he didn’t win. Good for you, Anthony Ryan. (You got robbed, LK.)


I was kind of ok with Olivier’s (LOVE) wispy, wavy, airy dress. Very much not my favorite look, but since unlike all his other stuff I don’t totally loathe it, I guess I’m naming a character in my novel Tonyalee! He shoulda known better than to try to glue the dress onto his model, but when your time management skills are as bad as his, you get stuck. Not surprisingly, the judges hated his dress; they could clearly see that it was a hurried effort; plus, it had, like, NOTHING to do with Tonyalee’s painting. But they all agreed the bodice was well made, so mayhap he should be ok, in light of Josh C.’s bad wolf dress and Bert’s ridiculous pantsuit. DAMMIT, Heidi gave Bert a total pass for that catastrophe of a pantsuit? Eff! So, wow. I can’t believe that 1. Olivier (LOVE) was in the bottom two (it should have been Bert and Josh C.!) 2. with a look I kinda liked. I was panicking something fierce, but thankfully, the wolf dress out-uglied all others. Buh-bye (again), Josh.

Project Runway, 8/4/11

Yes! The unconventional-materials challenge. Hands down, my fave episode of every Project Runway season. Because anybody calling him or herself a designer can go to Mood, buy fine fabrics, and make clothes. But when all you have to work with is what you got at a pet store, you really have to be a. talented and b. creative. Real designers embrace the challenge and make amazing clothes. (See: Austin’s cute corn husk dress, grocery store challenge, season 1.) Fake posers, after bellyaching incessantly about how working with such materials is sooooooo beneath them, produce utter crap. (See: Emilo’s WTF-inducing bikini, hardware store challenge, season 7.)

Ok, I guess this is going to become a regular thing until she is (hopefully soon) eliminated, so here goes this week’s Laura Kathleen rant. Quote: “I was raised in a upper class family. … I’ve been shopping at Nieman’s since I was in single digits. That kinda gives me knowledge knowing I can’t put crap out there and expect people to call it luxury.” UGH. She has the oratory skills of frozen yogurt. And that statement makes ZERO sense and served no other purpose other than to remind us—AGAIN—that her family is rich. Well if they’re so rich, you braggadocios bimbo, they should have been able to afford better schools, where you would have learned that it’s “an upper class,” not “a upper class.”

Every season, there’s a designer who completely ignores Tim’s don’t-go-the-easy-route advice. This year, it’s Bert. Then again, why work hard if you don’t have to? He has immunity, so he could contrast-stitch “Michael and Nina are BLOOMING IDIOTS” onto his dress, and he’d be safe. (Who? Me? Still mad about Gretchen? Whatever gave you that idea????) Hmmmm … there’s potential in what Olivier (LOVE) is doing. I’m hopeful. I LOVE him (yes, it requires all caps), so I want to like his clothes, but I hated his look last week. OOOOH! Tim just gave me a new word: fabulocity.

Fave looks: Fallene’s, Viktor’s, Julie’s, Josh’s aquarium top-black skirt combo, and Anthony’s bird seed dress. Dammit, I don’t the like look Olivier (LOVE) sent down the runway this week, either. In fact … ok, I HATED it. But he totally transformed some very unconventional materials; plus I LOVE him so much that I don’t want him to go home. (I’m still not over losing Rafael last week.) So yay that the judges loved it! Eff, nobody liked Fallene’s (not even Fallene, lol)? But I thought it was cute!


I didn’t immediately hate Bryce’s pee-pad dress … then I compared it with Viktor’s pee-pad dress. The difference is night and day. Bryce dyed the pads a boring blue and glued them together into a snore-fest napkin dress. (Having said that, Nina irked me with that lame ass “She looks like she’s from the Blue Man Group.” Huh? Those guys wear black clothes, blue makeup on their heads, and blue gloves. Not blue napkin dresses. Pop culture reference FAIL, Nina.) Viktor, on the other hand, dyed the pads a pretty lavender and transformed them into a chic, well-fitted cocktail dress. Fabulocity! I can’t believe it wasn’t even among the top looks.


*sigh* Once again, Nina is stupid, and my Heidi is the voice of reason. LOVE for Olivier aside, I. Hated. His. Dress. But Nina preferred it just cuz the bird seed dress was an inch or so short???? Grrrr. And the guest judge chick could see it too, noting that “the fit wasn’t quite as perfect” as Anthony’s: “The top was a little dumpy.” Yeah that, and the dress was all-around fug. “If you put those two next to each other, bird seeds win!” Heidi almost-yelled at Nina. TEAM HEIDI. But, even though aquarium top or bird seeds should have won, yaaaaaaaaaay Olivier! LOVE.

Laugh laugh laugh laugh at that dirty look Heidi shot Nina when saying “I was overruled.” I’m totally getting the feeling that, like me, Heidi is not and will never be over Gretchengate. Wtf—Fallene’s in the bottom but Bryce is safe? Oh come on! Her dress was cute, dammit!!!!!!!!!!! But at least it didn’t get her sent home. Buh-bye, Josh!

Michael Kors: “I’m going through man-opause.” Ha ha ha ha ha!