Terra Nova, 12/19/11

In 2149, Lucas chats with … some guy; they plan their Terra Nova invasion. Some Guy asks Lucas something I’ve been wondering: how’d he get those scars on the back of his neck. Nikoraptor attack, Lucas explains. HA. Commander Taylor lived alone and unprotected in the jungle for months; he doesn’t have any scars. Taylor is clearly made of infinitely more win than his son. In Terra Nova, the soldiers head to the portal to oversee … whew! It’s just the 11th Pilgrimage peeps arriving. A young family … Josh’s girlfriend Cara … oh wait, then a dude with bombs strapped to himself. BOOM! Jim is knocked unconscious. He wakes in the hospital disoriented, stumbles outside into a ravaged and ruined Terra Nova. Elizabeth explains the explosion was three days ago, it destroyed the portal, and before Taylor et al. could get back, Lucas et al. opened another fracture closer to TN and took it over, forcing Wash to surrender by killing civilians. Twenty six people are dead, Taylor’s missing, and the evil bad guys are in control.

(One of the deceased is Cara. Skye is so off somewhere googling “How long should you let a guy mourn before putting the moves on him?”)

Wash and Jim put their heads together and start planning how to get things unFUBARed. Jim visits Malcolm, who’s busy repairing a new portal, which he was forced to do when his assistant was killed when he originally refused. Ugh. Can you imagine dying just because your boss decided to take a stand? I’d be the world’s most pissed-off ghost. Lucas, Mira, and Some Guy drop by looking for Jim to interrogate him about Taylor’s whereabouts; Jim and Malcolm pretend Jim is deafened, hobbled, and mentally impaired because of the explosion. The next day, Some Guy tells Mira that “our employers” (Oh, just say their names already!) want her to take a trip to an area called The Badlands. Meanwhile, Lucas has Skye brought to see him and tells her he knows she warned Taylor about him; she better not betray him again. ::eye roll:: Lucas, please stop talking like you’re Jesus. Thank you.

Elizabeth removes some bullets from a bad soldier who got shot in a skirmish with some good soldiers, notices somebody etched a bunch of numbers into them. She shows Jim; he realizes that they’re map coordinates to a rendezvous point. A message from Taylor. YAY! (And gosh, how clever. I’d’ve been trying something wack, like flashlight signals.) Malcolm and wheelchair dude Casey arrange a diversion so that Jim can stow away on a convoy manned by Lucas and Some Guy, who’s complaining about some big ugly bug that bit him. OTG, Lucas and Some Guy-whose-name-is-Weaver discuss how much money they’re going to make strip mining TN for ore; a bad soldier mentions that the only problem is the wildlife. Weaver grabs a gun and kills … a brachiosaurus. (We’re meant to contrast that with how Taylor and the good soldiers took care to tranq, not kill, any dinos if they could help it.) Nope, not a nikoraptor or a T Rex, but a big, slow-moving, plant-eating, sort-of-cute brachiosaurus. Weaver: not just evil but stupid. (Lucas, who’s evil but is still a scientist, tells Weaver that the dinosaur he killed was harmless.) Jim listens to Weaver and Lucas’s plan to detonate pyrosonic charges to clear out the vegetation and wildlife, then sneaks off to meet Taylor and the good soldiers (Yay! Hot Mark is alive!) and tell them the plan. They get to the charge, deactivate it, steal it. A furious Lucas grabs a rocket thingy and shoots a missile thingy, but misses. “SON OF A BITCH!” he screams. (And lol, he screamed it the way you really scream it when you’re super-mad, so it sounds like “SON OF A BETCH!”)

With Jim and Wash’s help, Taylor and the good soldiers wage war. They steal supplies from the bad soldiers’ rover convoys, interrupt their little forays into the forest, etc. (Which, lol, is exactly what the Sixers used to do them.) It’s driving Lucas ape-crap crazy, so he goes to the bar for a drink, and orders Skye to join him. He gets a little handsy; valiant Josh, mad about Cara, comes to her defense, and Lucas has the soldiers beat him up. Skye runs to get Jim, who comes and beats up several soldiers, thus revealing that he is, in point of fact, not deafened, hobbled, or mentally impaired. Lucas has him searched, and they find the transponder he’s been using to communicate with Taylor. (Really? It didn’t occur to him to leave that with somebody else before he went looking for trouble?) Lucas has Jim and Josh sent to the brig.

Lucas releases Josh, thanks to Skye’s begging; after he leaves, Lucas whips out an electric zapper cattle prod thingy. (*SHUDDER* Torture? I wouldn’t last 17 seconds before I’d give up Taylor’s whereabouts, reveal who really shot JFK, and admit to masterminding every bank heist in the last quarter century if you’ll, please, for the love of God, just make the pain stop.) In the hospital, Weaver gets a shot for a hella bad rash that he’s developed from that bug bite. Then Elizabeth sweetly tells him that that wasn’t medicine. Nope, it was a very nasty disease, which she’ll give him the cure for only if he gets Jim released. HAAAAAAAA! Elizabeth is so boss. But we should expect no less; she already broke Jim out of prison once. As Lucas repeatedly zaps Jim with the cattle prod, we FINALLY get to the bottom of Lucas’s hatred for Taylor. So, back in Somalia, rebels overran the camp and made Taylor choose if his wife or his son would get to live; Taylor (probably with his wife’s blessing, wouldn’t you think?) chose his son. The rebels “took their time with her.” :( And ever since that day, Lucas has felt that Taylor hated him and blamed him for his mother’s death. I’m slightly less mad at Lucas now. Not because Taylor did anything wrong, but because having to go through that at age 14 and carry around that memory for the rest of your life would screw anybody up.

Weaver bursts in just then claiming that Taylor’s camp has been found; Lucas leaves; the Shannon fam sneaks in and gets Jim; Elizabeth knocks Weaver out with a sedative. “Mom? That was cool,” Josh says. I second that emotion. Wash gives Jim a message for Taylor, then blows something up and gets arrested to distract the bad soldiers so the Shannons can escape. She won’t tell Lucas where they went, so he kills her. :( Childhood trauma notwithstanding, I am soooooo going to enjoy when he dies. Mira returns from her trip to The Badlands with … something that we’re not shown. Weaver promises her that as soon as the portal’s fixed, she’s free to go back to 2149 to her daughter. The Shannons take up residence in the good soldier’s camp. Taylor’s staring morosely into the fire, sad about Wash; little Zoe comes and gives him a hug. Awwww. Taylor interprets Wash’s message: they need to destroy not only the portal but also Hope Plaza so Lucas and Weaver can’t bring hordes more soldiers through and raze Terra Nova. Doing so would mean permanently cutting themselves off from 2149, but it’s the only way. Jim agrees. Me too.

Lucas and Weaver toast to the portal being repaired. Weaver heads out to ready the first shipment of ore for transport. Skye stops in to tell Lucas she’s had a change of heart and wants to be all cool with him now. This is obviously a trick and Skye’s up to something, but Lucas totally falls for it. On the way, Skye tells him she knows how to contact his father. He stops the truck—and Hot Mark and another soldier swoop in, tie Lucas up, switch the truck for one with Jim hiding in the cargo hold, and carry on to the portal. Stowaway Jim is sent through to 2149. Lucas realizes Taylor wants to obliterate Hope Plaza, gets free, knocks Skye unconscious, and tries to radio the bad soldiers at the portal, but there’s too much interference; he heads off on foot. (I’m glad he didn’t kill Skye, but he left her unconscious and alone. She could have been eaten by a passing nikoraptor! Jerk.)

In 2149, Weaver explains to a couple employers how much money they’re all going to make mining ore: “Gentlemen. Today, you’re rich. Tomorrow? Well, it’s just going to be stupid.” Ha hahahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha! High five to the writer responsible for that line. The employers ask Weaver if he looked into that other matter, in The Badlands. He says yep and opens the cargo container Jim’s hiding in … but not before Jim gives the sedated carnotaur inside a shot to wake it up. The container opens, the carnotaur bursts out and eats an employer, and Jim sneaks off. (Wait—so what was it that Mira brought back from the badlands that had everyone so fascinated? They better explain that. That was like the breakfast scene in Pulp Fiction when Vincent opened the suitcase and stared transfixed at the glowing contents.) Weaver sends the other employer running straight to the carnotaur; as he’s eaten, devious Weaver run in the opposite direction to get help. Jim sets the stolen pyrosonic charge.

Skye radios Taylor that Lucas got away. Taylor finds him running through the forest and beats the living hell out him (as I cheer). But then Taylor falls for the I’m-so-upset-please-hold-me-daddy ruse, and Lucas stabs him. NOOOOOOOOO! Then just as he’s about to slit Taylor’s throat, BAM! Skye shoots him. He tries again to kill Taylor; Skye shoots him dead. YAY SKYE. Back in 2149, Weaver is about to kill Jim when the carnotaur kills him. YAY CARNOTAUR. (Somewhere, the murdered brachiosaurus is laughing.) Jim takes off running for the portal and makes it through just as Hope Plaza is blown to bits. In the forest, Jim finds Elizabeth; Skye and Taylor realize that Lucas is gone. As in, not dead. DAMMIT. One of the bad soldiers tells Mira that they’re stuck on Terra Nova forever; she looks (understandably) furious. Bartender Tom radios Taylor to tell him that the bad soldiers have all left Terra Nova, inexplicably heading north. So come home.

Taylor, Malcolm, Shannon, and the good soldiers arrive back at TN to hugs and applause from all the colonists. Rebuilding of their ravaged home begins immediately. Hot Mark tells Taylor and Jim that the bad soldiers have been spotted headed toward The Badlands. Jim remembers the switched cargo container; they open it to find … the prow of an ancient ship. Huh? How it got to The Badlands or why the bad soldiers are headed there, no one knows. Taylor says to keep the whole prow thing hush hush. The episode ends with the Shannons safe and sound at home, watching a meteor shower. RIP, everybody who died. Especially Wash. :( Hope they name the school or the hospital after you.

Sooooooo many mysteries to delve into in season two! Wtf is going on in The Badlands? Are they really cut off forever from the future? Once he’s able, what complicated revenge scheme will Lucas come up with?

Terra Nova, 10/10/11

Stupid baseball delay. I hate you.

At an outpost research facility, a strangely acting dude chases a bright green beetle the size of a catcher’s mitt (*shudder*), passing a room from which we hear a scream and “HELP ME!” Whoa. Are people being tortured/ experimented on? Beetle Dude wanders outside in search of his little friend — then reminds us all why I’m still (Yes! Still!) mad at the kids for sneaking out of the compound in episode one: he is promptly eaten by a carnosaur.

Later, back at TN, Jim’s helping Elizabeth prep for a trip to go look for the facility staff, who haven’t been heard from now in 72 hours. Jim tells her to hurry back cuz that “Reynolds kid” is coming over — finally, we learn Hot Soldier’s name. Malcolm wants to go with them; Taylor tells him no.
She kisses Jim goodbye, twice (“Doc?” Taylor says impatiently, echoing how I’m feeling), and hops into the rover with Taylor … and a black guy. THEY BETTER NOT KILL THE BLACK GUY. As they drive off, Jim is jealous that Malcolm, who's just the Chief Science Officer (CSO), has a rover for personal use when he, who's the only cop, does not. Oh hush, Jim. You’re the only cop — among scores of armed soldiers.

At the facility, Taylor, Elizabeth and the black guy, Brady, find two scientists strapped to a table and one wandering around with amnesia, but no sign of Beetle Dude. Brady is sent to look for him while Taylor and Elizabeth watch a tape of Beetle Dude and learn that the culprit of the memory loss is a pathogen. Which they might have been exposed to, so Taylor says they can’t return to TN til they’re sure they’re not a danger. So much for being there when Hot Reynolds comes over. Brady finds Beetle Dude's boots ... with his feet still in them.


Back at TN, Zoe and Maddy pop by the infirmary cuz Zoe has a cold, which Maddy warns Jim not to get. “I never catch colds!” he exclaims. (Prediction: he’s going to catch a cold.) At the house inhabited by 16-yr-olds, Josh is playing guitar and hanging with Skye. (Max, whom I have a crush on, is all healed up from episode 1’s dino wounds, I’m glad to see.) The kids’re playing a drinking game in which they take a shot every time they see a falling star. *sigh* Where the hell are their parents? (Well, except Skye’s. Hers are dead.) Skye compliments Josh’s guitar playing and puts a hand on his leg. *re-sigh*

Elizabeth chats via videophone with Jim. He sneezes, then explains that he caught Zoe’s cold. (I'm psychic.) After they hang up, Elizabeth wonders, “Who’s Zoe?” UH OH. At the Shannon home, Hot Reynolds and Maddy eat key lime pie under Jim’s watchful eye as she rambles nervously about limes in the future. Call me old-fashioned, but I totally approve of Hot Reynolds/Maddy over Josh/Skye. One’s going to result in a wedding; the other, a teen pregnancy. Oh, and look. Josh and Skye’re making out — but then Josh breaks it off (whew!) cuz he’s still pining over the girlfriend he had to leave behind. Skye takes the rejection well, even offers to introduce Josh to a guy who might be able to help bring the girlfriend to TN. Which is how any teen girl would react. NOT.

When Jim hasn’t heard from Elizabeth the next morning, he wants to go check on her, but Lt. Washington, whom Taylor left in charge, says no. Jim makes a beeline for Malcolm, who has his own rover, you'll recall. They head out, Malcolm motivated by feeling that as CSO he should have been made aware of the reason for the quarantine. I forgive his hubris when he thinks to grab face masks for him and Jim. Good call. At the facility, Brady and Taylor are nowhere to be found. Elizabeth whips out a rifle the size of her forgotten child and shoots a stun blast at Jim and Malcolm. THEY TAKE OFF THEIR MASKS. :( Idiots. I expect more from the CSO. To Jim’s chagrin, Elizabeth recognizes Malcolm but not him, which Malcolm doesn’t even TRY to pretend that he’s unhappy about. They convince her she’s sick and they have to cure what’s ailing her, and fast, because the stages of the disease are memory loss, massive memory loss, then catatonia. Jim finds Brady, dead. NOOOOOOOO — oh, wait. Just unconscious. Yay black guy! Then Jim finds Taylor, fully stage two crazy in the head. Taylor splits, headed for TN. Malcolm starts to get sick; Jim is inexplicably immune.


Skye takes Josh to see Tom, a suspicious-looking bartender who “can get things here.” Hot Reynolds visits Maddy, who’s mid-freak out, wondering if Sixers have kidnapped her parents. “It’s not the Sixers,” Hot Reynolds says. Huh? How does he know that? I knew it! He’s the mole!!!



Elizabeth and Malcolm discover the source of the illness: not a pathogen, but a virus, formed as one of the scientists was doing some gene therapy. Which pisses Malcolm off because he hadn’t authorized it. Oh, get off your CSO high horse! Then Malcolm, getting sicker, becomes hysterical, and Jim knocks him unconscious. (Yes, because I’m sure that was the only way to handle that, lol.) Elizabeth realizes Jim is immune because his cold is counteracting the effects of the virus. He promptly kisses her to give it to her. (Yes, because I’m sure that was the only way to handle that, lol.)


Back at TN, Hot Reynolds is trying to stop Maddy, who’s headed to see Lt Washington and demand answers. Oh ok, that’s what he meant by “It’s not the Sixers”: not that he’s privy to Sixer secrets, but that he’s heard through the soldier grapevine that the facility where her parents are has been quarantined. Well, he’s still on my Possible Mole list. Along with Skye. And Tom. (Omg, Hot Reynolds' first name is Mark. Mark and Maddy. IT WAS MEANT TO BE.) Hot Mark and Maddy knock on Wash’s door; she doesn’t answer; they barge in … and crazy-in-the-head Taylor jumps out and puts a knife to Hot Mark’s throat. Wash talks him down, but when she informs him his wife is dead, he tries to slit his own throat. She stun blasts his ass.

When Taylor wakes, everything is back to normal. Which makes two episodes in a row that Elizabeth has saved/helped save the day. Soon she’ll be Chief Medical Officer and have her own rover.


Out in the forest, under cover of night, Mira and the Sixers meet with Tom. HE’S THE MOLE! (My apologies to the falsely accused.) He gives them medicine and rover power cells in exchange for sorghum (it makes the best hooch, you see), then informs them that Josh, “the sherriff’s kid,” now works for him in the bar … information which Mira et al. are veeeeeeeeeeery interested in. Oh lawd, Josh boy, you is in danger!

Terra Nova, 9/26/11

Verdict: I’m hooked.

Hour One:

No slow build-up here. The drama starts right away. In 2149, police officer Jim Shannon is arrested and imprisoned after the discovery of his illegal third child. After all, “Family is Four!” scream the billboards, and he and wife Dr. Elizabeth Shannon already have two kids, Josh and Maddy. Two years later, Elizabeth gets the call: she’s been selected to make the one-way trip 85 million years backward to Terra Nova (TN)! Well … if she leaves that pesky third child behind, that is. So she does what anyone would do: breaks her husband out of prison, sneaks him into the TN-bound group, and smuggles third child along in a backpack. (Yes, in real life it would have been much harder. Hush.)


The contrast of TN earth to 2149 earth is quite dramatic. Bye bye dirty, rotting metropolis; we’re now in a verdant, sunny paradise (where allosaurs often trip the sonic mines). Commander Nathaniel Taylor gives a sweeping welcome speech to the large crowd of newcomers, then meets with Jim to let him know that while Taylor doesn’t really care about population control laws from 85 million years in the future, he’s still got half a mind to throw Jim outside of the fence and let him go play with the allosaurs. Jim counters that he’s a cop and could probably be of good use, but Taylor assigns him to agricultural detail. Which would be like if a chef bragged to you about his awesome cooking skills and you assign him to dishwashing detail. But Jim, just happy to no longer be making license plates, cheerfully accepts. As Jim walks away, Taylor growls. He did! I rewound it three times. He growled. LOL! I like Taylor.


A hot young soldier leads the Shannons to their new home. As they settle in, Josh goes all teen angst on us (He’s mad at Jim for having gone to prison.); then we get our first glimpse of dinosaurs when little third child — ok, ok — when little Zoe wanders off into the backyard and happens upon a herd of brontosaurs chowing down on some treetops. They can easily reach over the fence with their long necks, so Zoe feeds one. “Mommy, can we keep it?” No, Zoe didn’t say that. I did.

The next day, Elizabeth starts doctoring, Jim starts weeding (as Taylor keeps a close eye on him from afar), Maddy and Zoe go to orientation, and Josh skips orientation to wander around. He bumps into Skye.
Who we immediately know is going to be trouble. She leads him to a house inhabited by 16-year-old kids. (One is Max, played by Eka Darville, whom I’ve had a crush on since season one of Spartacus, so PLEASE don’t let him be a throw-away character who’s going to die in like episode two.) Apparently a house full of kids is normal in TN. They all have jobs, you see. I still don’t get it, but whatevs. Josh and the kids head OTG (outside the gate). Wait — really? I mean, I know I’m exactly twice as old as this bunch, but still. Even at 16, running around unprotected in a DINOSAUR-FILLED forest would very much not have been my idea of a good time. In the forest, Skye strips to a skimpy bikini to go swimming, shows Josh a bunch of strange markings on rocks, and makes him promise not to tell anyone about them.

Back at camp, that hot young soldier flirts for a bit with Maddy, whose idea of flirting back is describing a brontosaur’s teeth. :(

In the hospital, Elizabeth tends to an unconscious dude who was shot for stealing. FOOLED YOU! He was only fake unconsciousing. Dude grabs Elizabeth, holds a glowing weapon thingy to her throat, gets the guard’s gun, and bolts.
As Dude hurries through the camp, looking all kinds of suspicious, he catches Jim’s eye. Jim, whose policeman’s instincts have not been dulled by his 22 minutes as a farmer, follows Dude — and tackles him just as he pulls the pilfered gun and gets a shot off at Taylor. Taylor, realizing that Jim is more Robocop than Old MacDonald, takes him for a hike during which he explains that Dude is a Sixer: a member of another group on TN. Sixers (who came on the Sixth Pilgrimage) seemed normal at first, but it soon became clear that they had an ulterior motive. They splintered off from the main group and now live in hiding somewhere in the forest (Ok, is NOBODY afraid of the damn dinosuars?!?!). No one knows who sent them or why.
Taylor leads Jim to where they can look down over TN (great view, complete with pterodactyl soaring overhead), tells him that this new beginning is what they’re fighting for, and offers him a job on the security team. Jim accepts. Agriculture detail crew: “We didn’t like you anyway!”


Hour Two:

Taylor and Jim see Sixers speeding toward TN and race to their own vehicle to stop them. The Sixers are busy firing at a rampaging carnitaurus. “I hate carnitaurus,” Taylor says — then he jumps out of the vehicle and by himself armed with only a gun distracts the carno long enough for everyone including the Sixers to get safely inside the gate.

Taylor’s level of bad-assery: high.


As the dust settles, the leader of the Sixers steps forth. (It’s a chick! A black chick! Yaaaaaaaaaaay, minority females in position of power!!!) Her name is Mira, and she wants to trade meteoric iron (Sixers control the mines, you see, and TNers need its ore) for ammo, meds, and Dude, whose name is Carter. She says they know Carters’s locked up in the brig because they have spies inside TN. (Ooooh! A MOLE! Who is it? Who’s the dirty mole????) Taylor says she can have meds and Carter but no ammo.

Out in the forest, Josh and the kids … are making moonshine. *sigh* Really? 85 million years in the past, and they’re recycling such present-day problems as underage drinking. You’d think they’d be into something still stupid but waaaaaaaaay cooler. Like trying to catch, tame, and ride pterodactyls, which is what I’d be doing. Skye scores points with me cuz she refuses the moonshine when Josh offers her some. Alcohol sucks.

Taylor and Elizabeth chat in the hospital. We learn that Taylor had a son who came to TN as part of the Second Pilgrimage but went missing a few years ago.


Out in the forest, the Sixers are on their way back to their base when they come across the kids’ abandoned vehicle. Two stop to strip it of its power cells. They’re attacked by a hungry slasher; it kills one of them, wounds the other. Back at camp, Taylor et. al realize the kids sneaked out and head out after them. The kids arrive at their vehicle, find it dead, see a Sixer vehicle a few feet away. The others are afraid, but Skye fearlessly heads right on over, and she also recognizes the wounded Sixer inside. (Is Skye is the mole?) She then tells Josh how to slow the Sixer’s heavy bleeding, rattles off facts about the slashers’ preferred hunting methods, AND tells Josh to shoot at them in short bursts to control his ammo. This ain’t no ordinary random 16-yr-old girl, y’all. Sadly, Tasha, the other 16-yr-old girl, is ordinary, and she freaks completely out, leaves the safety of the vehicle, and goes off running through the slashers-filled forest.

Back at TN, the hot soldier, apparently a fan of chicks who know a lot about brontosaur teeth, stops by to ask Maddy if she’s ok.

Out in the forest, the search party runs into a bleeding and in-shock Tasha and figures out which direction she came from. Back in the vehicle, Skye tells Josh she’s an orphan. Then a slasher breaks in and pulls a kid out by the leg, Skye runs out of ammo, Max gets wounded (DAMMIT!); then just as they’re all about to be slasher snacks, the search party finds them. The wounded Sixer has bled to death.


Safely back at TN, Skye tells Taylor how sorry she is. (And I know everyone was glad to find the kids alive, but I still would like to see them get in way more trouble than they did.) Taylor asks Skye if they went anywhere near the falls. She lies and says no. Cut to: Mira and Carter are at the waterfall; they see the kids’ footprints. Mira says Taylor won’t like that. Carter asks why Taylor doesn’t just have the rocks blasted to rubble, and Mira says because the markings on the rocks are Taylor’s only connection to his son. *gasp* It’s Taylor’s "missing" kid scribbling on the rocks! According to Mira, he does it “to remind Taylor of the real reason for Terra Nova’s existence: control the past, control the future.” OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hell's Kitchen, 8/3/11

Awesome quote, brought to us by Paul: “Everyone who says high school is the best years of your life never went to college.” LOL. Touché, my chubby friend. Touché.

I’ve been calling Carrie “Ditzy Carrie” because in the premiere, she went severely blonde and put SUGAR IN MASHED POTATOES, causing a Gordon-spit-out, but for this recap I’m going to have to re-assign that title to Elizabeth, who totally out-blonded even that stupid move by
- asking the pescetarian chick if she wanted meat and fish on the same plate
- telling her team to make Asian food though she was told to make Hawaiian luau food
- giving lentils (which are neither Hawaiian nor Asian) the go-ahead
- not telling her team about the pescetarian
That last crime supremely offended this vegetarian. How can you forget to mention such a critical bit of info? Who gives a damn how good the food is if it can’t be eaten????? And her stammered “I thought we could combine meat and fish” excuse held no weight, because even if she doesn’t understand pescetarianism, she was specifically told not to combine meat and fish. Hi, Ditzy Elizabeth.

The look on the red team’s faces when Gordon said “The theme is Hawaiian” was priceless. And though Ditzy Elizabeth did have a point about how Carrie’s and Bitchy Elise’s dishes sucking had nothing to do with her misinformation, that loss was totally and entirely her fault. And note how she actually insisted that she was told to make Asian food.

I … did not need to see Natalie in a bikini. Nuff said.

Dinner Service!
No surprise that the red team is in a shambles, but Paul with the raw fish was unexpected. Get it together, chubby friend! Ugh: “Thanks to Elise’s leadership, the red team’s reunion guests are finally enjoying their appetizers”? OH GIVE ME A BREAK, NARRATOR PERSON. All she did was repeatedly re-scream whatever Gordon yelled. That’s it. That’s all. If that’s leadership, then I’m a blind albino platypus. Paul with the raw fish a second time, then Monty with the raw fish? Dudes. Hello. The temperature of your frying oil is too high. I’m nobody’s chef, and even I know that.

Elimination:
Jonathan’s move of sticking Monty with the fish frying was genius, lol, but incredibly weaselly, so kudos to Gordon for calling Jonathan to the carpet. Although, we all knew it was Monterray’s time. He kept landing in the bottom. See Gordon’s “three strikes and you’re out” comment when Chino was sent home. (I love it when Brits make references to American sports.) Buh-bye Monty.