Food Network Star, 8/7/11

Iron Chef time, baby! Which means I get to see some Alton Brown. Yes! I love you, Alton.

Battle Lamb:

I’m not a fan of Mary Beth, but no one deserves to have to work with Penny. Maybe since she herself has already been eliminated, she'll play nice? Nope. Tigers don’t change their stripes. She can’t let this opportunity to sabotage MB pass. The judges even tried sending Alton over to ask her to speed up … with no results. Go back to obscurity, you petty harpy. But I do hope that if MB loses to Vic, she doesn't try to blame Penny. The petty harpy may be chopping onions waaaaay too slowly, but MB's the one actually cooking the lamb. Ok, Jeff is totally killing Suzie in the commentary battle. All hail Sandwich King! Judge Suzy: “Jeff’s very cute.” DAMMIT, SUZY. I told you: I saw him first.

Battle Lobster:


(I gave up meat for health reasons, but I still cook it for friends and family, so I guess I have to be counted among that hypocritical number who are ok cooking/eating meat as long as they don’t have to watch the animal die. I get the two-facedness of that stance; believe me I do. But still. I’ll stuff and roast a turkey, I’ll buy and bake lobster tails. But I just can’t throw a living animal into boiling water to die. Hi, I’m a double standard-having wussy. Lol.)

Ugh. Chris. Who reminded everyone that the judges make the right call sending him home with this: “You’re not going to cook it first? Oh — no, it’s for ceviche.” *SIGH* Clever, Suzie! Lamb "enchiladas" rolled in Swiss chard are very creative. Meanwhile, Jeff’s overreliance on mayo could hurt him. Got my fingers crossed that the sandwiches are delicious, cuz then the judges’ll overlook it. MB was totally killing Vic in the commentary battle, until Alton stumped her with that sea salt question. She didn't recover well at all. A simple "I don't know AB; let me look that up and get back to you!" would have worked. Uh oh: all three of Suzie’s dishes were hits, but Bobby didn’t like Jeff’s taco.

Judging:

Vic beat MB — saw that coming. But she gets points for not trying to blame the loss on Penny. Darn! Suzie beat Jeff. Jeff vs MB in the elimination: even though he did get knocked for not making his own aioli, I wasn’t worried. He made three different sandwiches; two were a hit. She made lamb chops and lamb chops and lamb chops, poorly cooked ones at that. Buh-bye, boring “Sunday suppers” concept! All hail Sandwich King.

Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, 8/7/11

I grew up watching 1968’s and 1970’s Planet of the Apes and Beneath the Planet of the Apes (RIP, Charlton Heston). Which means I’ve been wondering ever since childhood what happened? How’d the apes started talking, how’d humans become second-class citizens … I mean … just what the heck happened???? And now, roughly twenty years after I first pondered these questions, here finally is the answer. Thank you, Rise of the Planet of the Apes (RPA).


Credit where credit is due: RPA borrows a bit — ok, a lot — of science from 1999’s Deep Blue Sea. (Starring Thomas Jane, LL Cool J, Saffron Burrows, and Samuel Jackson. Don’t you dare judge me for loving this movie!) In Deep Blue Sea, scientists are trying to cure Alzheimer’s by injecting sharks with a serum that causes dead brain cells to reanimate. As a side effect, the sharks get smarter, and as a result, things become FUBAR. In RPA, scientists are trying to cure Alzheimer’s by injecting apes with a serum that enables the body to fight the disease. As a side effect, the apes get smarter, and as a result, things become FUBAR.


The film’s star, hands down, is Caesar. I know he’s completely CG (Shout out to the special effects peeps and to Andy Serkis. Another fine job, dude! Can’t wait to see you reprise your role as Gollum!), but still. This chimp is bad ass. He MAKES the movie. His facial expressions, the way he smiles or glares or just, like, observes: totally effective. James Franco plays the scientist who developed the serum and who raised Caesar. He’s a man driven, we discover, by the need to save his Alzheimer’s-afflicted father, played by John Lithgow. (After watching Lithgow play a serial killer on Dexter, I found this complete turn-around to be very effective. Nice casting.) And David Oyelowo is very convincing as the heartless, profits-driven head of the corporation. Hell, I even like the guy who plays the asshole next-door neighbor.


Any low points? Yup. I wish they’d given Frieda Pinto more to do than just be the really pretty love interest, there were two scenes that would have been more powerful had James Franco actually cried instead of just stared, and I’m mad that Tom Felton, who plays classmate-bullying lout Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies, plays an ape-bullying lout in RPA. Beware typecasting, kid. Also, if I were put in charge of supersmart animals, be they sharks, apes, or a herd of tapirs, I would be super duper nice to them to try to avoid a revolt. Why does that never occur to anyone in movies like this?

But overall, RPA very much does not disappoint. And now, I eagerly look forward to the sequel to the prequel. Which better not take ANOTHER twenty years.

Project Runway, 8/4/11

Yes! The unconventional-materials challenge. Hands down, my fave episode of every Project Runway season. Because anybody calling him or herself a designer can go to Mood, buy fine fabrics, and make clothes. But when all you have to work with is what you got at a pet store, you really have to be a. talented and b. creative. Real designers embrace the challenge and make amazing clothes. (See: Austin’s cute corn husk dress, grocery store challenge, season 1.) Fake posers, after bellyaching incessantly about how working with such materials is sooooooo beneath them, produce utter crap. (See: Emilo’s WTF-inducing bikini, hardware store challenge, season 7.)

Ok, I guess this is going to become a regular thing until she is (hopefully soon) eliminated, so here goes this week’s Laura Kathleen rant. Quote: “I was raised in a upper class family. … I’ve been shopping at Nieman’s since I was in single digits. That kinda gives me knowledge knowing I can’t put crap out there and expect people to call it luxury.” UGH. She has the oratory skills of frozen yogurt. And that statement makes ZERO sense and served no other purpose other than to remind us—AGAIN—that her family is rich. Well if they’re so rich, you braggadocios bimbo, they should have been able to afford better schools, where you would have learned that it’s “an upper class,” not “a upper class.”

Every season, there’s a designer who completely ignores Tim’s don’t-go-the-easy-route advice. This year, it’s Bert. Then again, why work hard if you don’t have to? He has immunity, so he could contrast-stitch “Michael and Nina are BLOOMING IDIOTS” onto his dress, and he’d be safe. (Who? Me? Still mad about Gretchen? Whatever gave you that idea????) Hmmmm … there’s potential in what Olivier (LOVE) is doing. I’m hopeful. I LOVE him (yes, it requires all caps), so I want to like his clothes, but I hated his look last week. OOOOH! Tim just gave me a new word: fabulocity.

Fave looks: Fallene’s, Viktor’s, Julie’s, Josh’s aquarium top-black skirt combo, and Anthony’s bird seed dress. Dammit, I don’t the like look Olivier (LOVE) sent down the runway this week, either. In fact … ok, I HATED it. But he totally transformed some very unconventional materials; plus I LOVE him so much that I don’t want him to go home. (I’m still not over losing Rafael last week.) So yay that the judges loved it! Eff, nobody liked Fallene’s (not even Fallene, lol)? But I thought it was cute!


I didn’t immediately hate Bryce’s pee-pad dress … then I compared it with Viktor’s pee-pad dress. The difference is night and day. Bryce dyed the pads a boring blue and glued them together into a snore-fest napkin dress. (Having said that, Nina irked me with that lame ass “She looks like she’s from the Blue Man Group.” Huh? Those guys wear black clothes, blue makeup on their heads, and blue gloves. Not blue napkin dresses. Pop culture reference FAIL, Nina.) Viktor, on the other hand, dyed the pads a pretty lavender and transformed them into a chic, well-fitted cocktail dress. Fabulocity! I can’t believe it wasn’t even among the top looks.


*sigh* Once again, Nina is stupid, and my Heidi is the voice of reason. LOVE for Olivier aside, I. Hated. His. Dress. But Nina preferred it just cuz the bird seed dress was an inch or so short???? Grrrr. And the guest judge chick could see it too, noting that “the fit wasn’t quite as perfect” as Anthony’s: “The top was a little dumpy.” Yeah that, and the dress was all-around fug. “If you put those two next to each other, bird seeds win!” Heidi almost-yelled at Nina. TEAM HEIDI. But, even though aquarium top or bird seeds should have won, yaaaaaaaaaay Olivier! LOVE.

Laugh laugh laugh laugh at that dirty look Heidi shot Nina when saying “I was overruled.” I’m totally getting the feeling that, like me, Heidi is not and will never be over Gretchengate. Wtf—Fallene’s in the bottom but Bryce is safe? Oh come on! Her dress was cute, dammit!!!!!!!!!!! But at least it didn’t get her sent home. Buh-bye, Josh!

Michael Kors: “I’m going through man-opause.” Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hell's Kitchen, 8/3/11

Awesome quote, brought to us by Paul: “Everyone who says high school is the best years of your life never went to college.” LOL. Touché, my chubby friend. Touché.

I’ve been calling Carrie “Ditzy Carrie” because in the premiere, she went severely blonde and put SUGAR IN MASHED POTATOES, causing a Gordon-spit-out, but for this recap I’m going to have to re-assign that title to Elizabeth, who totally out-blonded even that stupid move by
- asking the pescetarian chick if she wanted meat and fish on the same plate
- telling her team to make Asian food though she was told to make Hawaiian luau food
- giving lentils (which are neither Hawaiian nor Asian) the go-ahead
- not telling her team about the pescetarian
That last crime supremely offended this vegetarian. How can you forget to mention such a critical bit of info? Who gives a damn how good the food is if it can’t be eaten????? And her stammered “I thought we could combine meat and fish” excuse held no weight, because even if she doesn’t understand pescetarianism, she was specifically told not to combine meat and fish. Hi, Ditzy Elizabeth.

The look on the red team’s faces when Gordon said “The theme is Hawaiian” was priceless. And though Ditzy Elizabeth did have a point about how Carrie’s and Bitchy Elise’s dishes sucking had nothing to do with her misinformation, that loss was totally and entirely her fault. And note how she actually insisted that she was told to make Asian food.

I … did not need to see Natalie in a bikini. Nuff said.

Dinner Service!
No surprise that the red team is in a shambles, but Paul with the raw fish was unexpected. Get it together, chubby friend! Ugh: “Thanks to Elise’s leadership, the red team’s reunion guests are finally enjoying their appetizers”? OH GIVE ME A BREAK, NARRATOR PERSON. All she did was repeatedly re-scream whatever Gordon yelled. That’s it. That’s all. If that’s leadership, then I’m a blind albino platypus. Paul with the raw fish a second time, then Monty with the raw fish? Dudes. Hello. The temperature of your frying oil is too high. I’m nobody’s chef, and even I know that.

Elimination:
Jonathan’s move of sticking Monty with the fish frying was genius, lol, but incredibly weaselly, so kudos to Gordon for calling Jonathan to the carpet. Although, we all knew it was Monterray’s time. He kept landing in the bottom. See Gordon’s “three strikes and you’re out” comment when Chino was sent home. (I love it when Brits make references to American sports.) Buh-bye Monty.

Hell's Kitchen, 8/2/11

Example #434 of Ditzy Carrie-bashing: her prawn dish was better than Elizabeth’s; yet the girls were all fawning over Elizabeth’s. And please note how Bitchy Elise voted for Elizabeth’s dish before even tasting Ditzy Carrie’s … then lost her round … then blamed the team’s loss on Krupa. Who, yes, did make a mistake, but this wasn’t exactly Bitchy Elise’s or the team’s finest hour.

Wow, a spa day? WAY BETTER prize than Medieval Times or go-carts.

Random: the previews for Rise of the Planet of the Apes are driving me bloody craaaaaaaaaaaaazy. Cannot WAIT to see it this weekend.

Dinner Service!
Ruined risotto, two ruined pastas — well, Krupa’s in the running for going home tonight. Ok, wait. I get why Monterray got sent off, but what happened with Tommy??? Gordon totally just pulled that frazzled-mom move of getting so mad at one kid that she punishes any child in the immediate vicinity, LOL. And while Gina did worse than Bitchy Elise, it was the latter who jumped down the throat of anyone who said they were voting for her for elimination, and who refused to listen to like 3 or 4 people trying to explain to her why she’s so disliked. Ugh.

I want her gone if for no other reason than so my Hell’s Kitchen recaps can be more than I-really-hate-Elise reports.

Elimination:
Tommy and Monty, of course, on the chopping block on the boys’ side, and Bitchy Elise and Krupa on the girls’. Could it be? DAMMIT! No. So buh-bye, Gina. That’s the second time Gordon made me think that Bitchy Elise was going home. STOP DOING THAT—unless you’re doing it to torture her, that is. Then by all means, continue.

Falling Skies, 7/31/11

True story: I once lost a $100 bet I couldn’t jump rope for 15 minutes. I was fat and out of shape, but heck, I thought, little girls jump rope! It’s not exactly hauling logs! Well, it might as well have been. I made it all of three minutes. So at the beginning of this episode when we learn Ben has been jumping rope for TWO HOURS AND FORTY MINUTES straight, I got the sads, wondering if that’s a subtle hint that he, like Rick, has been irrevocably evil-ized by the skitters. (I keep almost typing “Skittles.” Taste the rainbow.)

ARRRRRRGH! Ok, skitters are ugly and scary, but those emaciated silver giant humanoid aliens are CREEPY.

When the old lady invited Tom and Hal to her place, you may have been worried it was a trap. But this is Lady Killer Hal the Heartthrob, remember? She’s probably just his love interest this episode. Observation: motorcycles make a LOT of noise. Yes, they go fast, but any aliens in the area can hear you coming a mile away. I’d be riding bicycles.

YAY BEN. “I hate the skitters!” he screamed. But why’s his back not healing like all the other ex-harnessees (except Rick)? Oh—because Rick and Ben are slowly transforming into skitters. :( But, so, is Ben evil? Why doesn’t he tell anybody that Rick is a lost cause? Will he stop Rick from warning the skitters that the humans have figured out how to shoot through mek armor? Pardon the barrage of questions, but this the most interesting subplot of the whole show. It’s cute how little Mac and might-be-evil Ben look alike, but Heartthrob Hal looks like he wandered into the family off the street. Lol. Speaking of Heartthrob Hal, the old lady told the aliens where to find him, Tom, and General Sergeant Major Lieutenant Corporal Commander Colonel Captain Weaver because “they promised they’d bring you back.” Toldja she had the hots for him, heh. ARRRRRRGH at seeing the CREEPY emaciated silver giant humanoid aliens through her peephole. Awwwww. :( Poor Weaver. Take note, show writers: after all he’s been through, it would be oh-so touching if his wife and daughter were indeed alive.

FAIL to Anne and Lourdes for dissecting the skitter wearing nothing more for protection than glasses and gloves. Yeah right. I’d have been in four layers of plastic with my entire head Saran Wrapped, breathing through tiny nostril holes. LOL at Pope’s “That is so three weeks ago” and the dirty look he gave the soldiers for pointing their guns at him. I effing love Pope. Hey, where’s Monotone Maggie? I need my weekly dose of her deadpan.

Two-hour season finale next week? This awesomeness is almost over already? :(

Food Network Star, 7/31/11

Omg. The contestants got to run around Chelsea Market and eat WHATEVER THEY WANT? Lucky BASTARDS. The insatiably greedy 572-lb man who lives inside me was sooooooooo jealous watching Suzie stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff her face. Lol at her complaining that going first means everyone will get to learn from her mistakes—when she learned nothing from Vic forgetting to take his audience question last week.

Yay Jeff! Team Jeff! I’m just gonna go ahead and predict that he wins it all. Best concept, great on camera, excellent sense of humor (“What vegan options do you have?” he asked the butcher.), and cute to boot. Then again, since the judges get it so blazingly amazingly wrong (almost) every year, I bet they pick Mary Beth and her KILL-ME BORING “Sunday suppers” concept. Ugh, she annoyed the crap out of me pretending throughout the episode that Jeff had somehow tried to sabotage her by giving her the duck. This is nothing like when Penny purposefully sabotaged Orchid, you big baby. He just randomly assigned the meats. And she also would not shut the duck up about how she’d never cooked it before. Hey Mary Beth, you want some cheese with that whine? Jesus.

Anthony Anderson! I love him! ROFL at him “hitting on” Vic, ha ha ha. I thought Vic did pretty good; the Vic Vegas vs Mama’s Boy thing was his only stumble. Mary Beth: talked too much and bored everybody. Jeff: nailed it! Even if his stand-up comedy joke fell way flat, heh. Let us compare Suzie’s crying with Whitney’s crying. Suzie’s was cute and touching and caused by the “true American dream.” Whitney’s was unnecessary and pointless and made everyone “want to have to make her feel better.” Then, she made everybody feel bad about eating a “slaughtered” pig that was “three years old when it was slaughtered.” (This vegetarian was DYING laughing at her animal insensitivity. Gilbert Gottfried: “I think you’re a soulless flesh-eating zombie.” Bwah ha ha haaaaaaaa!)

YAY JEFF. What is this, a fourth win in a row? Susie: “You have a subtle kind of sexiness.” Well spotted, Suze. Now back off. *sharpens claws* Ooooh, it’s down to Whitney or Mary Beth! Bobby Flay: “Whitney can really cook. Mary Beth can really talk.” Um, hello. It’s Food Network, not Speak Network. Will they make the right decision? NO. :( Bye bye, Whitney.