Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/26/11

For the challenge to determine who will win it all, the final three must make a display table featuring:
- showpiece
- bread element
- entremet cake (I love the yummy vocabulary this show has taught me.)
- bon bon
- and …

Johnny gets choked up remembering how he got to make his mother’s last birthday cake — Awwwww. How precious. I hug him through the tv screen. — then explains that they must also make a dessert for someone special in their lives. Hot Matthew and Chris have wives; I guess single Sally’s gonna go the mom route.
Then Jacques Torres, Sébastien Canonne, and Stephane Treand (automatic cool points for having a rhyming name!), giants in the pastry industry, enter. (YAY I GET TO HEAR FRENCH ACCENTS. Although my fave is still British.) They will be judging later, but for now providing input and being all mentor-like.


I’m so professionally jealous. What I wouldn’t give for, say, Stephen King to stop by and give me writing advice on my novel. Lucky damn dawgs. Wait—then I’m less jealous, because the three don’t just advise and leave; they stand around and watch Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally cook. Nervewracking!!! But then they start helping. Stephane even washes dishes. Oh, you endearingly endearing Frenchies. The next day, all the eliminated contestants have returned to help. Hot Matthew gets Megan and Carlos, Chris gets Amanda and Rebecca (whose arm is STILL in a cast?!????), and Sally gets Van and Orlando. This latter selection makes her quite happy cuz he’s strong where she’s weak: showpieces.

Ok, I’m calling not-rightness. In every challenge when a showpiece had to be built, Chris and Orlando went head to head, cuz they’re the most skilled showpiecers. So it’s entirely unfair that Orlando is making Sally’s showpiece. Yes it’s her design; he’s just putting it together, but the challenge isn’t draw the best showpiece; it’s build the best showpiece. And Sally ain’t building nada. Hot Matthew and Chris are making theirs; Sally should have to make hers. This is cheating. Hot Matthew: “Chris’s showpiece is like, holy shit! As well as Orlando’s-I-mean-Sally’s.” Carlos: “I give Matt a lot of credit because he made his own showpiece … unlike some others.” Yeah, reason #42 I don’t want Sally to win.


Hot Matthew:
- entremet cake: hazelnut dacquois, raspberry and passion fruit gelee, milk jam, dark chocolate cremeux, milk chocolate whipped cream
- bread: focaccia bread with fresh thyme, olive oil, salt, and pepper
- bon bon: key lime BBs sitting on speculoos. Gail had never heard of speculoos, so she learned as new word.
- dessert: dark chocolate cake, raspberry mousse, cookies, pecan streusel, milk ice cream


Because the judges by now know Orlando’s work when they see it, Johnny asks Sally how much help she had on the showpiece. She readily admits Orlando built the whole thing, but says it was her design.
- entremet cake: chocolate caramel mouse, mango Bavarian, caramel cremeux, almond sponge cake
- bread: parker house roll w bacon, onion, gruyere
- bon bon: salted caramel milk chocolate BBs
- dessert: white chocolate espresso mousse and cashew nougatine inside a chocolate dome, chocolate cremeux, white chocolate espresso


Johnny points out that one of the brioches has fallen off Chris’s showpiece. Chris counters with “I made this myself. There was no help.” Exactly. Who cares if Sally’s piece was perfect? SHE DIDN’T MAKE IT.
- entremet cake: salty sugar dough, chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, vanilla cremeux, raspberry jam
- bread: brioche w maple bacon butter
- bon bon: coffee infused ganache and caramel BBs
- dessert: banana caramel inside butter almond cake topped with banana tuile and banana ice cream, with deglazed mango sauce

I do not envy the judges this decision at all.

Hot Matthew gets points for originality with speculoos. Johnny doesn’t get why he made a sugar showpiece if he’s better with chocolate, but Danielle says it looked like a love letter to his wife. His dessert gets knocked cuz it was confusing. Sally’s flow of color is praised.
She’s asked why she let Orlando do all the work. She says again that it was her idea and technique; he just put it together. Her dessert gets knocked cuz the mousse was seeping out of the dome. Chris’s showpiece gets knocked for the one falling brioche. (GET OVER IT.) His dessert gets high praise. They leave. Judges deliberate. They come back. Once again, all the eliminated contestants are there. (Ha ha haaa! Ok, this is just mean. It’s one thing to have to help the final three cook; it’s quite another to have to stand there and watch somebody else win.) And the winner is …

… Chris! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Yaaaaaaay! Good for him! YAY!

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/19/11

Hot Matthew and Chris are eating breakfast. Hot Matthew says he’s going to have some Cap’n Crunch in honor of Carlos, eliminated last episode, who loved using it as an ingredient. I’m 1. suddenly craving breakfast cereal and 2. wondering why they have to blur the boxes if we already know what’s being eaten. Then Chris makes Hot Matthew and me LMAO and says he’s going to pour out a little Cap’n Crunch for Carlos. (For those of you unschooled in ghetto culture: when one of your homies dies, you pour out a little of your 40-ounce malt liquor in his memory.) Ha ha hahahaha ha! Oh please, oh please let Chris or Hot Matthew win.


Nope, no Quickfire. There are only four contestants left, so this ish just got real. For their last elimination before the finale, Gail informs the chefs, they must make a dessert inspired by international cuisine. Chris chooses France; Orlando, Spain; Hot Matthew, Italy; and Sally, Cuba. (Funny how they all pick countries that it kinda sorta looks like they come from. Well — except Orlando, lol. But his name sounds Spanish.)


Suzanne Goin is the guest judge, which confuses Sally, cuz Susan’s a savory chef.
We learn why she’s here when Gail tells them that the dessert has to look just like a famous savory dish from the country they chose. Oh? Coooooooooooooooooooooooool!!!!! We’re shown two examples: a “pork chop” made of cake and “buffalo wings” made of fondant. My head explodes. Holy crap, it looks so authentic! This is going to be fun.

How ironic that Carlos did this very same thing in the last challenge. I pour out a little Mountain Dew for Carlos.

Orlando makes me dislike him a little less when he discusses how his family rejected him when he came out of the closet. :( Let me just say right now to my future children: Mommy will always, always love you, no matter what. Sorry you had to go through that, Orlando. Now please don’t make me re-dislike you fully by not following directions on yet ANOTHER dessert.

What time is it? Johnny time! Chris, who has France, tells Johnny he’s making fake Beef Wellington, which gives Johnny pause. “Isn’t that English?” he asks. Uh oh. Is it? I hit up Wikipedia … and am left hella confused.
- “There are theories that suggest that beef Wellington is named after Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington.” Ok, so then it’s British?
- “Other accounts simply credit the name to a patriotic chef wanting to give an English name to a variation on the French filet de bœuf en croûte during the Napoleonic Wars.” Ok, so then it’s French-inspired?
- “It was invented for a civic reception in Wellington, New Zealand.” Ok, so then it’s Kiwi?
Oh, screw this. If the historians can’t agree, I’m giving the pastry chef a pass. One of the three countries laying claim is France, so go for it, Chris.


Hot Matthew made fake manicotti:
- pasta tube: carved crème fraiche cake
- filling: mascarpone mousse
- tomato sauce: strawberry-lemon compote
- parmesan cheese: white chocolate
- garnish: basil gelee
The judges love the look but say it’s very one textural and lacks complexity. I DON’T CARE GIVE IT TO ME NOW I WANT IT IN MY MOOOOOOOOOUTH.



Chris’s French/English/Kiwi fake Beef Wellington is up next:
- puff pastry: storebought puff pastry
- beef: entremet of dark chocolate mousse, vanilla cremeux, and raspberry jam
- gravy: salted caramel sauce
Gail says she thought Beef Wellington was British; Johnny explains the French tie-in. Yay! Thanks, Johnny. I would have been pissed if Chris had been knocked for that. The judges love it.


Orlando made fake paella:
- rice: coconut and saffron rice
- mussel: tuile
- sausage: roasted beets
- fish: compressed plums
Wow, he actually followed directions! And it looks great. (But to me, it sounds the least desserty of the four. Yuck. Me not want at all.) Most of the judges like it, though Suzanne says the beets don’t go with the rest of it.




Sally made a fake Cuban sandwich with plantain chips and fake potato salad:
- bread: brioche
- pickles: dyed pineapple
- pork: cream cheese mousse
- ham: strawberry caramel
- potatoes: banana and pineapple
- celery: Asian pear
“Cuuuuute,” Gail sings when she sees it. One of the judges says that this is the first dish that visually nailed it for him (Were his eyes closed during Hot Matthew’s service????) and that it tastes good. Suzanne says the mousse doesn’t look like pork; Johnny says it’s messy. (Since the challenge was not “Make neat-to-eat food,” that doesn’t seem like a fair criticism.)

Chris’s looked the most real, but not making his own puff pastry was a bad move. Hot Matthew’s looked great but was safe and simple. (BOO!) Orlando’s was imaginative, but the rice wasn’t cooked right. The mousse was a downer, but Sally’s sandwich and salad were “pretty close to perfect.” And the winner is … Sally. EFF. Hot Matthew got robbed. Chris is safe. Oh no, it’s between Hot Matthew and Orlando. *panicked, worried, nervous* YES!!!!!

Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally in the finale. That rhymes.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/12/11

Ha ha haha ha! I’m so immature. That classic Cartman quote is the first thing I thought of when Gail instructs the final five that the Quickfire challenge is making a pie. (South Park > Family Guy.) Making a pie using only one hand, that is. Despite that, it better be their goodest, bestest pie ever, because the winner gets $5,000. Chris, who we learned has a daughter in need of heart surgery that’s going to cost roughly five times that, is eager to win.
Ok, I’m still Team Hot Matthew, because I am shallow and a sucker for a pretty face, but I will also be pleased if either Chris or Carlos, who has SIX DAMN KIDS TO FEED, wins. Which totally works, cuz I totally do not like Orlando or Sally. Guest judge this time around is “the king of macaroons” Francois Payard.

Ok, this is highly entertaining. In lieu of the off-limit arm, Hot Matthew is using his feet; Orlando, his knee; Carlos, his mouth … and big belly. LOL. After futilely trying to wrangle a vanilla bean with a huge knife, Hot Matthew says, “F*ck that; I’m using extract.” LOL. Uh oh — as he’s torching his meringues, he momentarily forgets the restriction and uses his other arm to move the plate.

- Orlando: raspberry, blueberry, strawberry, and blackberry pie
- Sally: double crusted plum-strawberry pie. She adds ice cream just before the
judges get their eat on. (We all remember that Chris was once disqualified for garnishing at the last minute [root veggie Quickfire], but I guess that was cuz he was adding the ingredient he was required to cook with, which amounts to cooking after time was called. Sally, however, is just adding a random ice cream scoop.)
- Chris: banana cream pie with banana caramel
- Carlos: raspberry lemon meringue pie
- Hot Matthew: DISQUALIFIED, for illegal use of off-limit hand! He’d made rhubarb pie with toasted meringue. As I said when Chris was DQed, I am greedy, so I at least would have tasted what he made.


Sally and Chris are in the bottom. Orlando and Carlos are in the top. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

Elimination:
Dana Cowin, editor-in-chief of Food Magazine (I. WANT. HER. JOB.) will be hosting a carnival, at which the chefs must serve a classic carnival treats that they’ve transformed into upscale desserts. Let me emphatically state right now that if anybody chooses funnel cake, he or she better by-god get it right. I loooooove funnel cake, and I hated when Amanda’s didn’t turn out right in the water park challenge.


Sally picks caramel corn; Hot Matthew, fried apple pies; Orlando, candy apples; Chris, funnel cake ice cream! WOOT! — and Carlos, desserts that look like carnival food. During Johnny’s walk-through, he has sage advice for them all, the sagest of which is when he warns Orlando that his dessert isn’t very much like a candy apple. Surely, after Orlando got reamed in the water park challenge for serving a re-imagined root beer float that was NOTHING like a root beer float, he’ll take Johnny’s advice to heart.

- Sally: white corn brown butter cake with corn pudding and peanut ice cream over caramel corn. (YUCK.) The judges question the inadequate sugar level in her pudding.
- Carlos: passion fruit pâte de fruit toppd with strawberry between two little sesame angel food cakes, and on the side, churros standing up in a cup. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A BURGER AND FRIES! How imaginative! “Playful,” says Payard.

- Oh boy, it’s funnel cake time! Chris: funnel cake, funnel cake ice cream with crumbled sable breton, agar strawberry jelly, cooked strawberries, mint foam. Too busy, say the judges. I'm not happy to see his funnel cake isn't dusted with powdered sugar. Funnel cakes need powdered sugar.
- Hot Matthew: mini caramel apple empanada with apple carpaccio and vanilla ice cream. Holy god, I want to lick the tv screen. I repeat: lick. the. tv. screen.
- Orlando: a chocolate apple entremet consisting of a chocolate biscuit soaked in apple martini mix, chocolate mousse, apple spiced gelee, vanilla creme brulee and a layer of chocolate mousse with chocolate crunchies. Um … WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY GOD DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A CANDY APPLE? He did it again! He did it again! Dana Cowin actually has to ask what carnival dessert was his inspiration. Hubert and ponytail say that it lacks some texture.

Hot Matthew and Sally are in the top. Sally? YUCK. But it was cute how she’s so short he could kiss the top of her head, heh. I’m 6’2; nobody ever kisses the top of my head. Hot Matthew wins! YAAAY!


Orlando, Carlos, and Chris are in the bottom. (Ok, this is the second time that funnel cake has been someone's downfall. It is officially on the list of desserts never to be attempted again.) Nobody understands why Orlando’s dessert lacked caramel and was overwhelmingly chocolatized. Carlos’s was fun, “the best idea of the night,” but his angel food buns were too sticky, the burger fell apart, and the “fries” were cold. Chris’s had too much going on, the funnel cake was bland (read: needed powdered sugar), and the agar jelly was weird.

Carlos goes home. :( :( :( It should have been Orlando!

Top Chef Just Desserts, 9/28/11

Quickfire
For this challenge, guest-judged by the VERY cute Jordan Khan, the chefs have to incorporate a root vegetable into a dessert. Gross. Rebecca, who knows nada about root veggies, says “I’m sick to my stomach nervous.” Well I'm sick to my stomach, period. I get that the contestants’ creativity has to be tested, but this is very much not going to be as fun as the make-your-own-candy-bar Quickfire. I hate, hate, HATE the combination of savory and sweet. I HATE IT.

The chefs get their harvest on and dig up:
- Carlos: celery root
- Chris: jicama
- Orlando: radish
- Hot Matthew: parsnip
- Rebecca: potato
- Katzie: turnip
- Megan: something unidentifiable. Poor thing, she just stares at it. “It’s a burdock root,” Gail informs her. Megan is still clueless (as am I). “A what?” she asks, mystified. “A burdock root,” Gail says more slowly. I’m now rooting for Megan to win this, since she unearthed the weird one that the Top Chef Just Desserts peeps clearly included only so they could sound fancy.
- Sally: turmeric


As all the chefs stand there looking like they’d rather hurl their veggies through a window than cook with them — Seriously. They’re grimacing and frowning, lol. — Gail reveals the reason for the difficulty of the challenge: winner gets immunity … and $5,000. Suddenly, root veggies are celebrated and much loved. Whatever. This is still going to be YUCK, from start to finish.

- Rebecca’s inspiration was eating a Frosty with French fries from Wendy's. (I immediately gag. This is a battle I have fought with friends for years. That combination of foods is EFFING DISGUSTING. This episode is seriously grossing me out.) She made shoestring fried potatoes with chocolate sauce and malted ice cream. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. Then inexplicably, she says “I can’t cook to save my life.” Huh? We know she means savory foods and not desserts, but still. Gail: “You shouldn’t say that on national television. On a cooking show.” Yeah, DUH, Rebecca. (Katzie silently LOLs.)

- Megan made a burdock root-five spice fritter with candied burdock root compote. Now, that actually sounds edible. And very inventive, for unlike Rebecca, Megan didn’t just put the veg on a plate and add chocolate. *shudder* I’m still Team Katzie, since Katzie won the Willie Wonka challenge, but Megs is growing on me.


- Katzie made soy milk panna cotta with mascarpone cream, caramel honey, turnip chips, almonds, and honey and orange blossoms. (Ugh. Katzie is one of those people who say “carr-mel” instead of “care-uh-mel.” Ugh.) I thought it looked edible; Sally says it looks like “a melty blob on the plate.” Sally has really been hating on Katzie ever since the Willie Wonka win.
- Chris gets eliminated when he puts his fried jicama on the plate in front of the judges, since that counts as cooking after time was called. Poor guy, out of the running for $5K. (I’m food-greedy, so I still would have at least tasted his dish if I were the judges. I’m also money-greedy, so I would have pitched a bitch-fit if I were Chris.)
- Carlos made celery root in three textures: frozen celery root granita, pickled celery root, and celery root chips with peanut butter pudding. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING.
- Hot Matthew made a caramelized parsnip cake with banana puree. Sounds edible. (Yay! Hot Matthew says “care-uh-mel-ized” instead of “carr-mel-ized.” Yay!)
- Sally made a mango pudding with turmeric topped with curry popcorn, pine nuts, and Thai basil. WHICH SOUNDS REVOLTING. And if you ask me, hers looks like a melty blob too, but in orange.
- Orlando made a peach and radish crumble with vanilla bean sherbet. Edible.

Rebecca and Carlos are in the bottom. Hot Matthew and Sally are on the top. (Megan got robbed!) Sally’s orange blob wins. Whatever. I wouldn’t eat ANY of that crap. This challenge was the opposite of delicious. Moving on.


Elimination:
Gail is joined by the Beastie Boys’ Ad Rock. COOL! But then, YUCK again. The chefs have to choose from foods mentioned in BB songs and use two in a dessert. Orlando: “What the f*ck are we going to do with all this shit.” Exactly, my brother. Exactly. Then, everyone has to pick a third ingredient for someone else. “A bit of sabotage,” says Ad Rock. (I see what he did there!)

- Megan selects whiskey and brass monkey. Katzie gives her onions.
- Hot Matthew selects whiskey and cornbread. Chris gives him potatoes and gravy — then worries that that might send his friend home. If it does, I’ll kill you, Chris.
- Carlos selects popcorn and bacon. Sally gives him cucumber.
- Chris selects pizza and pork & beans. Megan gives him ravioli.
- Sally selects cheddar cheese and prosciutto. Carlos gives her chicken.
- Katzie selects butter and fries. Orlando gives her gorgonzola and provolone.
- Orlando selects coffee & cream and rum. Hot Matthew gives him peas.
- Rebecca selects a 40 ounce and some ham. (Aka, breakfast in the ghetto.) Sally gives her falafel.

Gross nasty gross nasty YUCK. :( This episode is like the nightmare bizzaro offspring of Top Chef and Top Chef Just Desserts. I know, I KNOW: it’s forcing the contestants to step outside of their comfort zone. That doesn’t make it any less gross. Let’s skip to the judging so we can be done with this disgusting unappetizingness, shall we? I’m sorry, but savory+sweet is severely gross to me, and I just don’t care. :(

-- fast forwarding --

Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca are in the bottom. Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally are in the top. And I just want to call attention to this exchange:
- Chris (uber-relieved): “I’m going to go throw up now.”
- Gail: “You are not allowed to throw up, because you did not eat what we ate.”
WELL IF YOU DON’T WANT VOMIT-INDUCING NASTINESS, THEN DON’T MAKE THE CHEFS COOK DESSERTS WITH GORGONZOLA, ONIONS, AND FALAFEL! IN THE FUTURE, IF YOU WANT THEM TO STEP OUTSIDE OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE, MAKE THEM USE NEW COOKING TECHNIQUES OR WORK ONE HANDED OR SOMETHING! YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT! GOT THAT?

-- fast forwarding --

Hot Matthew wins. Wow! With whiskey, cornbread, potatoes, and gravy??? Impressive. Very, very impressive, Hot Matthew. (I don’t have to kill you, Chris.)

-- fast forwarding --

Rebecca gets sent home.

Let’s do better next week, Top Chef Just Desserts. Not that you can do worse.