Ha ha haha ha! I’m so immature. That classic Cartman quote is the first thing I thought of when Gail instructs the final five that the Quickfire challenge is making a pie. (South Park > Family Guy.) Making a pie using only one hand, that is. Despite that, it better be their goodest, bestest pie ever, because the winner gets $5,000. Chris, who we learned has a daughter in need of heart surgery that’s going to cost roughly five times that, is eager to win.
Ok, I’m still Team Hot Matthew, because I am shallow and a sucker for a pretty face, but I will also be pleased if either Chris or Carlos, who has SIX DAMN KIDS TO FEED, wins. Which totally works, cuz I totally do not like Orlando or Sally. Guest judge this time around is “the king of macaroons” Francois Payard.
Ok, this is highly entertaining. In lieu of the off-limit arm, Hot Matthew is using his feet; Orlando, his knee; Carlos, his mouth … and big belly. LOL. After futilely trying to wrangle a vanilla bean with a huge knife, Hot Matthew says, “F*ck that; I’m using extract.” LOL. Uh oh — as he’s torching his meringues, he momentarily forgets the restriction and uses his other arm to move the plate.
- Orlando: raspberry, blueberry, strawberry, and blackberry pie
- Sally: double crusted plum-strawberry pie. She adds ice cream just before the
judges get their eat on. (We all remember that Chris was once disqualified for garnishing at the last minute [root veggie Quickfire], but I guess that was cuz he was adding the ingredient he was required to cook with, which amounts to cooking after time was called. Sally, however, is just adding a random ice cream scoop.)
- Chris: banana cream pie with banana caramel
- Carlos: raspberry lemon meringue pie
- Hot Matthew: DISQUALIFIED, for illegal use of off-limit hand! He’d made rhubarb pie with toasted meringue. As I said when Chris was DQed, I am greedy, so I at least would have tasted what he made.
Sally and Chris are in the bottom. Orlando and Carlos are in the top. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaaaay!
Elimination:
Dana Cowin, editor-in-chief of Food Magazine (I. WANT. HER. JOB.) will be hosting a carnival, at which the chefs must serve a classic carnival treats that they’ve transformed into upscale desserts. Let me emphatically state right now that if anybody chooses funnel cake, he or she better by-god get it right. I loooooove funnel cake, and I hated when Amanda’s didn’t turn out right in the water park challenge.
Sally picks caramel corn; Hot Matthew, fried apple pies; Orlando, candy apples; Chris, funnel cake ice cream! WOOT! — and Carlos, desserts that look like carnival food. During Johnny’s walk-through, he has sage advice for them all, the sagest of which is when he warns Orlando that his dessert isn’t very much like a candy apple. Surely, after Orlando got reamed in the water park challenge for serving a re-imagined root beer float that was NOTHING like a root beer float, he’ll take Johnny’s advice to heart.
- Sally: white corn brown butter cake with corn pudding and peanut ice cream over caramel corn. (YUCK.) The judges question the inadequate sugar level in her pudding.
- Carlos: passion fruit pâte de fruit toppd with strawberry between two little sesame angel food cakes, and on the side, churros standing up in a cup. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A BURGER AND FRIES! How imaginative! “Playful,” says Payard.
- Oh boy, it’s funnel cake time! Chris: funnel cake, funnel cake ice cream with crumbled sable breton, agar strawberry jelly, cooked strawberries, mint foam. Too busy, say the judges. I'm not happy to see his funnel cake isn't dusted with powdered sugar. Funnel cakes need powdered sugar.
- Hot Matthew: mini caramel apple empanada with apple carpaccio and vanilla ice cream. Holy god, I want to lick the tv screen. I repeat: lick. the. tv. screen.
- Orlando: a chocolate apple entremet consisting of a chocolate biscuit soaked in apple martini mix, chocolate mousse, apple spiced gelee, vanilla creme brulee and a layer of chocolate mousse with chocolate crunchies. Um … WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY GOD DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A CANDY APPLE? He did it again! He did it again! Dana Cowin actually has to ask what carnival dessert was his inspiration. Hubert and ponytail say that it lacks some texture.
Hot Matthew and Sally are in the top. Sally? YUCK. But it was cute how she’s so short he could kiss the top of her head, heh. I’m 6’2; nobody ever kisses the top of my head. Hot Matthew wins! YAAAY!
Orlando, Carlos, and Chris are in the bottom. (Ok, this is the second time that funnel cake has been someone's downfall. It is officially on the list of desserts never to be attempted again.) Nobody understands why Orlando’s dessert lacked caramel and was overwhelmingly chocolatized. Carlos’s was fun, “the best idea of the night,” but his angel food buns were too sticky, the burger fell apart, and the “fries” were cold. Chris’s had too much going on, the funnel cake was bland (read: needed powdered sugar), and the agar jelly was weird.
Carlos goes home. :( :( :( It should have been Orlando!
