Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/26/11

For the challenge to determine who will win it all, the final three must make a display table featuring:
- showpiece
- bread element
- entremet cake (I love the yummy vocabulary this show has taught me.)
- bon bon
- and …

Johnny gets choked up remembering how he got to make his mother’s last birthday cake — Awwwww. How precious. I hug him through the tv screen. — then explains that they must also make a dessert for someone special in their lives. Hot Matthew and Chris have wives; I guess single Sally’s gonna go the mom route.
Then Jacques Torres, Sébastien Canonne, and Stephane Treand (automatic cool points for having a rhyming name!), giants in the pastry industry, enter. (YAY I GET TO HEAR FRENCH ACCENTS. Although my fave is still British.) They will be judging later, but for now providing input and being all mentor-like.


I’m so professionally jealous. What I wouldn’t give for, say, Stephen King to stop by and give me writing advice on my novel. Lucky damn dawgs. Wait—then I’m less jealous, because the three don’t just advise and leave; they stand around and watch Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally cook. Nervewracking!!! But then they start helping. Stephane even washes dishes. Oh, you endearingly endearing Frenchies. The next day, all the eliminated contestants have returned to help. Hot Matthew gets Megan and Carlos, Chris gets Amanda and Rebecca (whose arm is STILL in a cast?!????), and Sally gets Van and Orlando. This latter selection makes her quite happy cuz he’s strong where she’s weak: showpieces.

Ok, I’m calling not-rightness. In every challenge when a showpiece had to be built, Chris and Orlando went head to head, cuz they’re the most skilled showpiecers. So it’s entirely unfair that Orlando is making Sally’s showpiece. Yes it’s her design; he’s just putting it together, but the challenge isn’t draw the best showpiece; it’s build the best showpiece. And Sally ain’t building nada. Hot Matthew and Chris are making theirs; Sally should have to make hers. This is cheating. Hot Matthew: “Chris’s showpiece is like, holy shit! As well as Orlando’s-I-mean-Sally’s.” Carlos: “I give Matt a lot of credit because he made his own showpiece … unlike some others.” Yeah, reason #42 I don’t want Sally to win.


Hot Matthew:
- entremet cake: hazelnut dacquois, raspberry and passion fruit gelee, milk jam, dark chocolate cremeux, milk chocolate whipped cream
- bread: focaccia bread with fresh thyme, olive oil, salt, and pepper
- bon bon: key lime BBs sitting on speculoos. Gail had never heard of speculoos, so she learned as new word.
- dessert: dark chocolate cake, raspberry mousse, cookies, pecan streusel, milk ice cream


Because the judges by now know Orlando’s work when they see it, Johnny asks Sally how much help she had on the showpiece. She readily admits Orlando built the whole thing, but says it was her design.
- entremet cake: chocolate caramel mouse, mango Bavarian, caramel cremeux, almond sponge cake
- bread: parker house roll w bacon, onion, gruyere
- bon bon: salted caramel milk chocolate BBs
- dessert: white chocolate espresso mousse and cashew nougatine inside a chocolate dome, chocolate cremeux, white chocolate espresso


Johnny points out that one of the brioches has fallen off Chris’s showpiece. Chris counters with “I made this myself. There was no help.” Exactly. Who cares if Sally’s piece was perfect? SHE DIDN’T MAKE IT.
- entremet cake: salty sugar dough, chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, vanilla cremeux, raspberry jam
- bread: brioche w maple bacon butter
- bon bon: coffee infused ganache and caramel BBs
- dessert: banana caramel inside butter almond cake topped with banana tuile and banana ice cream, with deglazed mango sauce

I do not envy the judges this decision at all.

Hot Matthew gets points for originality with speculoos. Johnny doesn’t get why he made a sugar showpiece if he’s better with chocolate, but Danielle says it looked like a love letter to his wife. His dessert gets knocked cuz it was confusing. Sally’s flow of color is praised.
She’s asked why she let Orlando do all the work. She says again that it was her idea and technique; he just put it together. Her dessert gets knocked cuz the mousse was seeping out of the dome. Chris’s showpiece gets knocked for the one falling brioche. (GET OVER IT.) His dessert gets high praise. They leave. Judges deliberate. They come back. Once again, all the eliminated contestants are there. (Ha ha haaa! Ok, this is just mean. It’s one thing to have to help the final three cook; it’s quite another to have to stand there and watch somebody else win.) And the winner is …

… Chris! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Yaaaaaaay! Good for him! YAY!

Hell's Kitchen, 9/19/11

At last, the finale. Finally, we will see Bitchy Elise get what’s coming to her. You gotta hand it to Gordon. Pretending he wanted to keep such a talentless, abrasive, deluded, sorry excuse for a chef around all this time was probably very difficult. But it was good for ratings, so he stuck it out. Now he can give us all what we so desperately want: Bitchy Elise sent home with her tail between her legs. DO THIS, GORDON.

Hour one begins with Will, clearly attempting to assuage his guilt about not having had the decency to say that Jennifer is a better chef than Elise, repeating over and over that his actions had nothing to do with doing anybody a favor; it’s just that Elise actually is a better cook. Who you trying to convince, Will?


Awwww. Seeing the chefs’ families was cute … though in Bitchy Elise’s case, it just made me wonder how she could be such a colossally huge bitch when she’s got such a lovely family. After only minutes (during which Tommy cannot stop kissing his girlfriend), Gordon sends the families away, gives the chefs a seafood dish of his to recreate, and tells them the winner will get to continue the reunion. And the winner is … Paul! Bitchy Elise starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.


Paul and his brother get to go to a Dodgers game, where Gordon throws out the first pitch, then serves them hot dogs and beer.

Back at Hell's Kitchen, Gordon tells the final four that not one but two are going home after tonight's dinner service. (Fifty-fifty chance, Bitchy Elise!) Gordon will be conducting quality control tests during dinner, unbeknownst to the chefs, to see how they handle it. On the soundtrack of tonight’s episode: “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys.

Paul’s service:
Test: Chef Scott put shrimp instead of lobster in the capellini. Paul fails; he doesn’t notice and starts to serve it. Tommy serves raw shrimp, then is slow on the fish, causing Paul to have a screaming fit. Bitchy Elise: “If they’re already flustered, it’s not gonna do no point in screaming and yelling at somebody. That’s not leadership.” Her almost incomprehensible sentence construction aside, she’s right … in pointing out something that she herself did pretty much every episode.

Tommy’s service:
Test: James gives him an order that is not on the menu. Tommy fails; he doesn’t notice as he reads it out, but he recovers quickly and gets the correct order. He’s a bit scattered, but his appetizers and entrees get out on time.


Elise’s service:
Test: The cauliflower puree was replaced with potato puree. Bitchy Elise fails; she doesn’t notice — even though she tasted it. Gordon yells at her; she starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch. Sabotage II: Chef Scott replaced the mashed potatoes with parsnip puree; this, Bitchy Elise notices. She yells at Tommy because his fish isn’t pretty. I guess that’s leadership?

Will’s Service:
Test: Chef Scott brings up lamb instead of beef and hanger instead of strip. Will passes; he notices both mistakes. Bitchy Elise delivers spinach with raw pasta in it, then she takes the spinach Will asked her to do over and simply puts it on another plate. When he points this out to her, she asks him why he’s being an asshole, and tells him that just because it’s his service doesn’t mean he has to be an asshole. (I guess she forgot what an asshole she was minutes ago to Tommy.) She then ruins the potatoes (“It was an accident!”) and has to start them over, bringing service to a grinding halt. She’s smirking through all this, mind you. But this is exactly what Will deserves for getting Jennifer sent home.


Elimination:
Tommy goes home first. :( Then Gordon announces that Will is in the final two. It’s between Paul and Bitchy Elise. IT’S PAUL!!! Ding dong, the bitch is dead, stomp your feet, get out of bed, ding dong, the wicked bitch is deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead! THANK YOU, GORDON. Bitchy Elise starts crying, and I want to punch her in the face so badly that my fists itch.


Hour Two begins with Paul and Will planning their menus for the final dinner service. Gordon offers to give them a break and take them out to dinner. At the restaurant, he asks if they’d like to go in the kitchen and meet the chef. The kitchen, it turns out, is a small arena filled with a cheering crowd. Unexpected! Gordon leads Will and Paul to the stage and informs them that they have one hour to make five BLT Steak-worthy dishes.

I don’t have a horse in this race anymore; they both sold Jennifer out to Bitchy Elise, so I don’t care who wins. I shall be rating based on food alone.


Round One, Appetizer: Paul’s littleneck clams and mussels with a lemongrass spicy broth with butter and potatoes (yuck) vs Will’s seared scallops on a charred corn salad with a corn puree and micro cilantro (yum). Will wins! Round Two, Salad: Will’s beet salad with champagne vinaigrette (yuck) vs Paul’s mixed greens over roasted potatoes (yum). Paul wins! (I’m two for two!) Round Three, Fish: Will’s dover sole (eh) vs Paul’s bronzini (eh). Paul wins! Round Four, Meat: Paul’s pan roasted ribeye with buttermilk puree (looks deelish) vs Will’s grilled gruyere-topped ribeye (looks good, but Paul’s looked better). Will wins! (Eff, I lost that one.) It’s now two to two. (OF COURSE it’s two to two. Rule #1 of reality tv: the drama must be carried out as long as possible. See: Bitchy Elise lasting nearly the entire season.) Round Five, which I was hoping would be Dessert but instead is apparently More Meat: Will’s grilled filet mignon with buttered Brussels sprouts, black truffle-and-potato puree, and a red grape jus (looks deelish) vs Paul’s pan roasted filet mignon with braised endive and truffle potato fries (looks good, but Will’s looked better). Will wins!



Will and Paul head back to Hell’s Kitchen for the final dinner service, where past contestants have returned to help them out. I convulsively jerk with revulsion when I see Bitchy Elise.

Dinner:
Gordon tastes Will’s (red team) and Paul’s (blue team) dishes, doesn’t like a couple of Paul’s. Paul storms out of the kitchen, cries about how he promised his recently deceased mother that he was going to win (Wow. No pressure!), gathers himself, comes back, calls the team together, and gives them a stern pep talk. Which meant nothing to Bitchy Elise, who starts service by bringing up brothy shrimp, then lighting a pan on fire. (Oh yeah, she’s a WAY better cook than Jennifer. *eye roll*) When Elizabeth messes up the scallops; Bitchy Elise — who just lit a pan on fire — wonders if it was “a blonde moment.” Red Team is slowed by Krupa’s fish problems, Blue Team by Jonathan’s steak problems. Will replaces Krupa with Natalie; Paul, Jonathan with Bitchy Elise. Both moves pay off. With some ups and downs, each team eventually finishes strong. The eliminated chefs leave, AND I HOPE I NEVER SEE BITCHY ELISE EVER AGAIN.


Winner:
After a lengthy bit of speechifying (*sigh* I just love his accent. I wonder if I'd have such major hots for Gordon if he were American? Probably not.), Gordon invites Will and Paul to step up to the doors. And … Paul’s door opens. “I AM A BIG F*CKING DEAL!” he jubilantly screams. Lol. I admit it: I’m glad. That stuff about his mom was touching.

I’m already looking forward to next season. And I swear to god, the black girl better not be another raging stereotype-fulfilling bitch. Your African American female fan base implores you, Gordon.