Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/19/11

Hot Matthew and Chris are eating breakfast. Hot Matthew says he’s going to have some Cap’n Crunch in honor of Carlos, eliminated last episode, who loved using it as an ingredient. I’m 1. suddenly craving breakfast cereal and 2. wondering why they have to blur the boxes if we already know what’s being eaten. Then Chris makes Hot Matthew and me LMAO and says he’s going to pour out a little Cap’n Crunch for Carlos. (For those of you unschooled in ghetto culture: when one of your homies dies, you pour out a little of your 40-ounce malt liquor in his memory.) Ha ha hahahaha ha! Oh please, oh please let Chris or Hot Matthew win.


Nope, no Quickfire. There are only four contestants left, so this ish just got real. For their last elimination before the finale, Gail informs the chefs, they must make a dessert inspired by international cuisine. Chris chooses France; Orlando, Spain; Hot Matthew, Italy; and Sally, Cuba. (Funny how they all pick countries that it kinda sorta looks like they come from. Well — except Orlando, lol. But his name sounds Spanish.)


Suzanne Goin is the guest judge, which confuses Sally, cuz Susan’s a savory chef.
We learn why she’s here when Gail tells them that the dessert has to look just like a famous savory dish from the country they chose. Oh? Coooooooooooooooooooooooool!!!!! We’re shown two examples: a “pork chop” made of cake and “buffalo wings” made of fondant. My head explodes. Holy crap, it looks so authentic! This is going to be fun.

How ironic that Carlos did this very same thing in the last challenge. I pour out a little Mountain Dew for Carlos.

Orlando makes me dislike him a little less when he discusses how his family rejected him when he came out of the closet. :( Let me just say right now to my future children: Mommy will always, always love you, no matter what. Sorry you had to go through that, Orlando. Now please don’t make me re-dislike you fully by not following directions on yet ANOTHER dessert.

What time is it? Johnny time! Chris, who has France, tells Johnny he’s making fake Beef Wellington, which gives Johnny pause. “Isn’t that English?” he asks. Uh oh. Is it? I hit up Wikipedia … and am left hella confused.
- “There are theories that suggest that beef Wellington is named after Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington.” Ok, so then it’s British?
- “Other accounts simply credit the name to a patriotic chef wanting to give an English name to a variation on the French filet de bœuf en croûte during the Napoleonic Wars.” Ok, so then it’s French-inspired?
- “It was invented for a civic reception in Wellington, New Zealand.” Ok, so then it’s Kiwi?
Oh, screw this. If the historians can’t agree, I’m giving the pastry chef a pass. One of the three countries laying claim is France, so go for it, Chris.


Hot Matthew made fake manicotti:
- pasta tube: carved crème fraiche cake
- filling: mascarpone mousse
- tomato sauce: strawberry-lemon compote
- parmesan cheese: white chocolate
- garnish: basil gelee
The judges love the look but say it’s very one textural and lacks complexity. I DON’T CARE GIVE IT TO ME NOW I WANT IT IN MY MOOOOOOOOOUTH.



Chris’s French/English/Kiwi fake Beef Wellington is up next:
- puff pastry: storebought puff pastry
- beef: entremet of dark chocolate mousse, vanilla cremeux, and raspberry jam
- gravy: salted caramel sauce
Gail says she thought Beef Wellington was British; Johnny explains the French tie-in. Yay! Thanks, Johnny. I would have been pissed if Chris had been knocked for that. The judges love it.


Orlando made fake paella:
- rice: coconut and saffron rice
- mussel: tuile
- sausage: roasted beets
- fish: compressed plums
Wow, he actually followed directions! And it looks great. (But to me, it sounds the least desserty of the four. Yuck. Me not want at all.) Most of the judges like it, though Suzanne says the beets don’t go with the rest of it.




Sally made a fake Cuban sandwich with plantain chips and fake potato salad:
- bread: brioche
- pickles: dyed pineapple
- pork: cream cheese mousse
- ham: strawberry caramel
- potatoes: banana and pineapple
- celery: Asian pear
“Cuuuuute,” Gail sings when she sees it. One of the judges says that this is the first dish that visually nailed it for him (Were his eyes closed during Hot Matthew’s service????) and that it tastes good. Suzanne says the mousse doesn’t look like pork; Johnny says it’s messy. (Since the challenge was not “Make neat-to-eat food,” that doesn’t seem like a fair criticism.)

Chris’s looked the most real, but not making his own puff pastry was a bad move. Hot Matthew’s looked great but was safe and simple. (BOO!) Orlando’s was imaginative, but the rice wasn’t cooked right. The mousse was a downer, but Sally’s sandwich and salad were “pretty close to perfect.” And the winner is … Sally. EFF. Hot Matthew got robbed. Chris is safe. Oh no, it’s between Hot Matthew and Orlando. *panicked, worried, nervous* YES!!!!!

Hot Matthew, Chris, and Sally in the finale. That rhymes.

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/12/11

Ha ha haha ha! I’m so immature. That classic Cartman quote is the first thing I thought of when Gail instructs the final five that the Quickfire challenge is making a pie. (South Park > Family Guy.) Making a pie using only one hand, that is. Despite that, it better be their goodest, bestest pie ever, because the winner gets $5,000. Chris, who we learned has a daughter in need of heart surgery that’s going to cost roughly five times that, is eager to win.
Ok, I’m still Team Hot Matthew, because I am shallow and a sucker for a pretty face, but I will also be pleased if either Chris or Carlos, who has SIX DAMN KIDS TO FEED, wins. Which totally works, cuz I totally do not like Orlando or Sally. Guest judge this time around is “the king of macaroons” Francois Payard.

Ok, this is highly entertaining. In lieu of the off-limit arm, Hot Matthew is using his feet; Orlando, his knee; Carlos, his mouth … and big belly. LOL. After futilely trying to wrangle a vanilla bean with a huge knife, Hot Matthew says, “F*ck that; I’m using extract.” LOL. Uh oh — as he’s torching his meringues, he momentarily forgets the restriction and uses his other arm to move the plate.

- Orlando: raspberry, blueberry, strawberry, and blackberry pie
- Sally: double crusted plum-strawberry pie. She adds ice cream just before the
judges get their eat on. (We all remember that Chris was once disqualified for garnishing at the last minute [root veggie Quickfire], but I guess that was cuz he was adding the ingredient he was required to cook with, which amounts to cooking after time was called. Sally, however, is just adding a random ice cream scoop.)
- Chris: banana cream pie with banana caramel
- Carlos: raspberry lemon meringue pie
- Hot Matthew: DISQUALIFIED, for illegal use of off-limit hand! He’d made rhubarb pie with toasted meringue. As I said when Chris was DQed, I am greedy, so I at least would have tasted what he made.


Sally and Chris are in the bottom. Orlando and Carlos are in the top. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

Elimination:
Dana Cowin, editor-in-chief of Food Magazine (I. WANT. HER. JOB.) will be hosting a carnival, at which the chefs must serve a classic carnival treats that they’ve transformed into upscale desserts. Let me emphatically state right now that if anybody chooses funnel cake, he or she better by-god get it right. I loooooove funnel cake, and I hated when Amanda’s didn’t turn out right in the water park challenge.


Sally picks caramel corn; Hot Matthew, fried apple pies; Orlando, candy apples; Chris, funnel cake ice cream! WOOT! — and Carlos, desserts that look like carnival food. During Johnny’s walk-through, he has sage advice for them all, the sagest of which is when he warns Orlando that his dessert isn’t very much like a candy apple. Surely, after Orlando got reamed in the water park challenge for serving a re-imagined root beer float that was NOTHING like a root beer float, he’ll take Johnny’s advice to heart.

- Sally: white corn brown butter cake with corn pudding and peanut ice cream over caramel corn. (YUCK.) The judges question the inadequate sugar level in her pudding.
- Carlos: passion fruit pâte de fruit toppd with strawberry between two little sesame angel food cakes, and on the side, churros standing up in a cup. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A BURGER AND FRIES! How imaginative! “Playful,” says Payard.

- Oh boy, it’s funnel cake time! Chris: funnel cake, funnel cake ice cream with crumbled sable breton, agar strawberry jelly, cooked strawberries, mint foam. Too busy, say the judges. I'm not happy to see his funnel cake isn't dusted with powdered sugar. Funnel cakes need powdered sugar.
- Hot Matthew: mini caramel apple empanada with apple carpaccio and vanilla ice cream. Holy god, I want to lick the tv screen. I repeat: lick. the. tv. screen.
- Orlando: a chocolate apple entremet consisting of a chocolate biscuit soaked in apple martini mix, chocolate mousse, apple spiced gelee, vanilla creme brulee and a layer of chocolate mousse with chocolate crunchies. Um … WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY GOD DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A CANDY APPLE? He did it again! He did it again! Dana Cowin actually has to ask what carnival dessert was his inspiration. Hubert and ponytail say that it lacks some texture.

Hot Matthew and Sally are in the top. Sally? YUCK. But it was cute how she’s so short he could kiss the top of her head, heh. I’m 6’2; nobody ever kisses the top of my head. Hot Matthew wins! YAAAY!


Orlando, Carlos, and Chris are in the bottom. (Ok, this is the second time that funnel cake has been someone's downfall. It is officially on the list of desserts never to be attempted again.) Nobody understands why Orlando’s dessert lacked caramel and was overwhelmingly chocolatized. Carlos’s was fun, “the best idea of the night,” but his angel food buns were too sticky, the burger fell apart, and the “fries” were cold. Chris’s had too much going on, the funnel cake was bland (read: needed powdered sugar), and the agar jelly was weird.

Carlos goes home. :( :( :( It should have been Orlando!

Top Chef Just Desserts, 10/5/11

Be gone, bad memories of last week’s yuck episode! For we are emphatically back to yum. Quickfire: everybody has to make a doughnut. Yay!

Wait — time out. Past guest judges Hugh Acheson, Ad Rock, and Jordan Khan are cuties, and this week’s guest judge, doughnut dude Mark Israel, is a total hunk, too. High five, Gail! Because I know she’s behind this. I can totally see her texting the guys’ headshots to Padma, with “U r so jealous!” Padma is so going to retaliate with a shirtless male model episode on the upcoming season of Top Chef Texas.

Ok, time back in. But this can’t be just any doughnut. It has to be worthy of $10,000! The chefs are all elated about this — then Johnny (whose headshot was also texted to Padma) enters and bursts everyone’s happy bubble: the loser of this Quickfire is going home. Oh snap! Who will create a delectable doughnut of dollars, and who will create a dastardly doughnut of devastation???? The chefs get to work.


- Katzie: beignet filled w date ganache fried in a cocoa batter rolled in nuts
- Carlos: orange and lemon zest bombolinis filled w passion fruit cream
- Orlando: spiced banana beignet
- Megan: cake doughnut w honey cardamom glaze
- Chris: citrus churros w raspberry jam
- Sally: espresso glazed doughnut w caramelized cashews
- Hot Matthew: ginger beignet w caramel and whipped javara cream

Drool drool drool *stomach growl* drool mouth-watering scrumptiousness NOM NOM NOM.


Sally and Carlos are the favorites. Carlos wins! Yaaaaaaaay! I hate Sally cuz she’s always hating on Katzie. Carlos, who has six damn kids to feed, nearly passes out from joy. Go Carlos! Megan is in the bottom; her doughnut was overglazed. OH NO, Hot Matthew is in the bottom, too. His sauce and doughnut were too much sweetness, and his cream added nothing. Orlando is in the bottom; the cardamom in his doughnut was undetectable. Orlando, who is incapable of taking criticism, says he didn’t promise a cardamom doughnut. Johnny says he couldn’t taste any spice, period. They argue. I cross my fingers and hope he gets sent home. Alas! It’s Megan. I liked her. :(


Elimination:
The chefs are split into two teams of three. They must make a “magnificent” chocolate showpiece plus an individual dessert. And they’ll be serving their desserts to each other and critiquing each other’s food. Red Team: Chris, Hot Matthew, Katzie. Blue Team: Orlando, Sally, Carlos. Chris and Orlando will be working on the showpiece for their teams. Chris: “My showpiece really doesn’t have a name or a theme; it’s just contemporary.” Orlando: “The theme to the showpiece is telling a story from where chocolate started off from a cocoa pod.” You say “proud of his work”; I say “pretentious.” Then Orlando says he always incorporates height because “I like my showpieces like I like my men: tall.” Wait — men???? I HAVE THE WORLD’S WORST GAYDAR. :(


Red Team:
- Chris: chocolate cream-filled chocolate brioche drizzled with butter and brown sugar topped w nutella crunch served w vanilla ice cream
- Hot Matthew: chocolate tart over liquid caramel w chocolate chibouse, compressed cherries served w chocolate sorbet
- Katzie: boca negra torte w praline-milk chocolate mousse, jasmine-and-passion fruit curd, candied violets, and whipped cream glace

Blue Team:
- Orlando: milk chocolate sorbet between puff pastry over mango coulis w cocoa sorbet
- Sally: manjari caramel mousse, spiced caramel cream, passion fruit gelee
- Carlos caramelized cremeux, chocolate mousse, peanut butter pudding, caramelized banana

Drool drool drool *stomach growl* drool mouth-watering scrumptiousness NOM NOM NOM.

I’m so not going to bother mentioning all the bullcrap criticism each team had for the other team’s showpiece and desserts. It was just a bunch of gratuitous nobody’s-is-as-good-as-mine bashing. For example, Orlando blathers on and on AND ON AND ONNNNNNNNNN about not liking the appearance of Katzie’s dessert. *eye roll* Moving on.


Judging:
Orlando, Sally, and Carlos win! Carlos had a very good day today.

Guest judge Wiley Dufresne (Every time he pops up as a judge I think the same thing: I love his name.) tells Chris that the texture of his dessert was strange. Johnny tells Katzie he couldn’t taste any jasmine her dessert. The judges felt that Hot Matthew’s dessert was too sweet.

Katzie is sent home. Darn! I’ve been Team Katzie ever since she won the Willie Wonka challenge. Guess I’m now officially Team Hot Matthew.