Movie Review: The Bourne Legacy, 8/10/12

The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum, and now Legacy. At this point, it’s like slipping on an old pair of comfy shoes.

This fourth installment in the spy chronicle picks up right where the third one left off. We meet some new players, Eric Byer, played by my crush Edward Norton, and his various higher-ups/coworkers including Stacy Keach and Donna Murphy, all hard at work at the CIA playing CYA, attempting to contain the blight of Treadstone and take out any remaining operatives. Intro one of said operatives, Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner—the new soles on that old pair of comfy shoes). While Cross is off on a training mission in a snowy wasteland*, Byer et al. attempt to kill him but fail** and Cross goes on the run (OTR). Not a big fan of leaving any stone unturned, but huge fans of overkill, Byer n’ Bunch also go after the entire medical staff who worked on the Treadstoners, including Dr. Marta Shearing (Rachel Weisz). She’s forced to join Cross OTR. Posse Byer relentlessly pursues them, resulting in intense fight scenes and spectacular foot/car/motorcycle chases in various locations.

(**Really, would-be spy-killers? We haven’t learned by now to confirm that Treadstonites have actually kicked the bucket? I mean, Jason Bourne was presumed dead like 18 times.
*During these scenes, I was sooooooo reminded of The Grey. [My review.] There’s a pack of wolves; plus, bearded Renner totally looks like bearded Liam Neeson.)

Like me, I know you probably balked when you first saw the non-Matt Damon Bourne preview. But rest assured, Renner carries the torch quite well. After S.W.A.T., The Avengers, and Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, we all knew he had action-movie chops, but Legacy makes it official: a new action star is Bourne. (Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.) A word about the fight scenes: awesome. The science-type stuff Shearing and her colleagues were doing to the Treadstonaries is a bit complicated, something about viral mapping and chromosome alterations, but one of the end results, enhanced physical abilities, is very apparent every time Cross beats the almighty bejesus out of one, two, three guys at a time.

Renner and Weisz are great together on screen. Much like Jason and Marie in the first movie, the characters are thrown together because of difficult circumstances, disliking each other in the beginning but eventually warming. (Alas, no hot sex scenes, but we do get some shirtless Renner. High five, ladies!) The acting is superb across the board. Norton radiates his usual focused intensity. (By the way, if you haven’t seen him in 2006’s The Illusionist, you should.) Even the minor players make an impression. Case in point: Louis Ozawa Changchien, playing an unnamed agent who never speaks a word as he pursues Shearing and Cross all over Manila with silent, intense ruthlessness. (Movie nerd cred: when I saw Louis, I mentally yelled, “That’s that guy from Predators!” *pats self on back*)

Yes, the film has flaws: the beginning is a bit slow; some of the motorcycle acrobatics are a bit unbelievable. And the ending doesn’t really resolve anything—but you know they totally did that on purpose. To set up The Bourne Conundrum, Redemption, Awakening, Enigma …

Spartacus: Wrath of the Gods, 3/30/2012

Everyone sits around small campfires. Mira tells Sparty that firewood is almost gone, and so is the food, but he will find a way to get them out of this awful sitch, as he always has. He says just as she can always find words to cheer him up. “A talent I pray your next woman holds,” she responds. Nice. No use moping over or getting mad about or futilely trying to fix Sparty’s irreparably broken heart. Stay friendly and move on. Atta girl. Crixus and Gannicus come running up then, inform Sparty that Nemetes and a few others are about to foolishly try to breach the Romans at the foot of the mountain path. Uh oh.

At the foot of the mountain path, Ashur, big Egyptian at his side, arrives to tell captain dude that Glaber requests his presence. Just then, ffffft! An arrow kills a soldier. Nemetes and friends ataaaaaaack! Alas, they are quickly bested. Ashur is just about to kill Ludo when, fffffft! An arrow shot by Mira gets him in the arm. She, Sparty, Agron, Crixus, Gannicus et al. ataaaaaaaack! They fight like they’re possessed by demons and hopped up on speed. “Fall back!” screams the captain—who is hiding behind a tree, lol. (Battle strategy FAIL: there shoulda been way more soldiers posted at the foot of the mountain path.) Sparty wounds Big E and is about to kill him when everyone realizes back-up soldiers are rapidly closing in. They grab their wounded and are retreating when the captain grows some balls, leaves the protection of the tree, snatches up an axe, and throws it at Sparty. He misses. It hits Mira in the chest. Sparty removes the axe and picks her up; everyone flees up the path. By the time they reach the top of the mountain, she’s dead. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sparty, understandably furious, punches Nemetes in face. They fight. Sparty screams at him that he got Mira killed. Nemetes screams back that Sparty’s the one who led them all to their deaths, and at least Mira got to die as a warrior and not starve and freeze to death on a mountaintop. The words hit home. Sparty says yep, that’s totally what’s going to happen to them … if they don’t work together. As long as they hold the high ground, they have advantage over the Romans’ greater numbers. Nemetes says all Glaber will do is wait til they’re too starved and weak to fight; then attack. Oenomaus, who still has a commanding presence despite being one-eyed, speaks up in that deep, calming voice of his in support of Sparty. Later, Gannicus and Sparty share a moment. Sparty says he always thought Sparty was a fool, but now he sees that Sparty’s actually a pretty decent dude, and if Gannicus has to die, at least he’ll die among brothers. THAT BETTER NOT BE FORESHADOWING, DAMMIT.

The captain dude has the lone captive brought back to Gaius for questioning, but he can’t speak English, so Gaius kills him and instead asks Ashur about Sparty. Ashur says he looked “deadly” (Ooooooh. That description just made Sparty even sexier.), but also that there’s nothing to eat up there. Gaius says they’ll keep waiting until Sparty et al. are desperate from hunger.

Lucretia and Ilithya are riding in a carriage for a quick visit to Vesuvius. Now that Gaius and Ilithya are all lovey-dovey again, she wants to be near him. Lucretia sadly says that it’s a blessing to be with a husband feared lost. Ilithya tells her to fret not; she’ll talk to Gaius about finding Lucretia a good husband. Lucretia tells her he’s already promised her to Ashur. “Ashur??!???” says a completely horrified Ilithya. Lucretia says she’s not about to take this lying down and takes out Seppius’s bracelet. Ilithya says whatever the plan is, she’ll help. YAY! My desire to see rapists get what’s coming to them outweighs my dislike of Lucretia.

Ashur sits with his crew of hired murderers, telling them that they will be the first gladiators in his House of Ashur. The women arrive. Ilithya tells Lucretia to chill out while she talks to Gaius. Not one to miss an opportunity to torment his rape victim, Ashur saunters over to Lucretia for a chat. Ilithya and Gaius greet each other with a warm hug and kiss; he promises her the Sparty thing will be over and done with in plenty of time for “their” child to be born in Rome; she’s like, ok great and one more thing, and hands him Seppius’s bracelet. She tells him she found it while having the Seppia mess cleaned up, and that her slave saw Ashur give it to Seppia, so that’s how Seppia knew Gaius had killed Seppius. Gaius says he’ll take care of Ashur, and she needs to take care of Lucretia. UH OH. Ilithya exits, nods at Lucretia, who smiles and kisses Ashur, knowing she’ll never see him again. The women leave. Gaius, soldiers at his side, confronts Ashur about the bracelet. Ashur insists he’s never even spoken to Seppia; Gauis of course doesn’t believe him; he and his soldiers draw their swords. Ashur and his peeps draw their swords. Ashur says he’s being framed; he and his men will simply leave; Gaius tells the men that he’ll give them each 1,000 denari if they’ll turn on Ashur. There is no honor among thieves or murderers, so they all instantly turn on him. Ashur pretends to surrender, muttering “You f*cking cunts.” (I wonder, is he talking about them or Lucretia and Ilithya?) Then, though he knows it’s futile, he attacks. Big E disarms him and is about to slit his throat. Gaius tells Big E to wait, says he’ll give Ashur a chance to prove his allegiance to Gaius.

Sparty wraps Mira’s body in his robe and in vines. Ashur is sent up the mountain to him to deliver Gaius’s terms of surrender. Crixus (who, you’ll remember, hates Ashur because it was Ashur who told Lucretia that Crixus and Naevia were banging, which is what got Naevia sent to the mines) rushes forward to kill Ashur; Sparty stops him. Ashur tells everyone if they lay down their weapons and surrender, they will not be killed. Well, nobody but Sparty, that is. Sparty’s all, but you’ll be slaves. Ashur’s all, yeah but you’ll be alive; if you refuse, you’ll all be crucified. Nemetes is all, “I’ll die a free man!” and there are cries of “F*ck the Romans!” and “Syrian cunt!” Ashur turns to leave; Crixus is all like, if we send your head tumbling down the mountain, Gaius will get the message. Ashur tries to smooth talk his way out of the sitch, says that Crixus has a sword but he is unarmed. Sparty throws a sword at Ashur’s feet. Ashur’s all, but I’m wounded. Crixus is all, so what? And he raises his sword to kill Ashur—but then Naevia is like, no, let me do it. O! M! G! While they’re fighting I’m so nervous I can’t stand it. But she wins! SHE WINS!!!! And it’s sooooo satisfying, too. She elbows and then slices him in the junk then cuts his throat, then he chokes out a few insults, then she chops off his head after three blows. (Which is what should happen to all rapists. And child molesters.) YAY NAEVIA. I’m bouncing up and down on the bed, beside myself with glee. Crixus hugs her and tells her he’ll teach her how to remove a head cleanly with one blow. Which is gladiator-speak for “I love you more than I am capable of expressing.” Sparty orders Ashur’s head put on a stake on the path as answer to Glaber. Ludo says oh well, now we’re all going to be crucified, and Sparty says that that would have happened—DUH!!!—no matter what the response to Gaius had been. Nemetes, who can kind of be an asshole, says too bad there aren’t enough vines for all our corpses. Agron yells at him to stfu … but the cruel jab gives Sparty a really good idea. (I still would’ve punched Nemetes in his damn mouth again.) Gaius is shown Ashur’s head, says he was expecting that. (LOL.) He tells the men to eat up and rest well. They attack at the crack of dawn.

At the crib, Lucretia stands on a balcony and throws the red wig Ashur was making her wear over the cliff. Ilithya is just about to give her a push and send her hurtling after the wig—then Ilythia’s water unexpectedly breaks. Ilithya’s all like, no, this is too soon; Lucretia’s all like, this is a sign from the gods that the child must be born here.

On the mountaintop, the vines are being braided into strong rope. Nasir reports to Sparty that there is enough for four men. Sparty chooses Agron, Crixus, and Gannicus to go with him. Crixus and Naevia kiss goodbye (What, no Agron-Nasir kiss? Boo!), Sparty gives a rousing speech, Oenomaus takes the foreposition on Gannicus’s rope—YAY!!!—and they are lowered down the mountain. They make swift work of the two guards posted at the cliff base, then sneak to the catapults, take out the guards there, and start firebombing the soldiers’ camp. Nice. Oenomaus et al. see the glowing balls hurtling through the night sky and prepare for battle. Gaius and his soldiers come upon Sparty, Agron, Crixus, and Gannicus in the forest. “Kill them!” Gaius yells, and the soldiers rush forward—and then Oenomaus et al. attack them from the rear.

Ilithya is in labor, screaming for the doctor; Lucretia tells he’s not there since the baby wasn’t due for weeks. But, she says, she sent the guards for him, and she’ll find something for the pain. She leaves. We hear an off-camera scream. Lucretia comes back not with medicine but with a bloody knife, and kills the slave girl attending to Ilithya. “There. No one left to come between us.” I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU! I’ve been saying all season that Lucretia is up to something! And I was right! She! Wants! That! Baby! “You are but a vessel carrying a gift from the gods to the house of Batiatus,” Lucretia says. “Now then. Let us see it unwrapped.” Ilithya screams.

Once more, Sparty and crew fight like they’re possessed by demons and hopped up on speed. “Fall back!” screams Gaius. “Press advantage!” screams Sparty. The battle wages furiously. Gannicus goes up against Big E, who knocks him down and is about to kill him when Oenomaus intervenes. Big E stabs Oenomaus through the stomach. Gannicus screams in fury and hacks off part of Big E’s head. *happy sigh* He holds a dying Oenomaus, who says that he’s going go to his wife’s arms and that he’ll greet Gannicus as brother in the afterlife, then dies. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gaius and the soldiers have retreated to the temple. Before they can catch a breath, Sparty et al. come surging over the wall. Sparty heads straight for Gaius.

A smiling, bloody Ilithya carries a baby toward the cliff edge in the yard. Ilithya, still alive and leaving a trail of blood, belly-crawls after her, screaming her name. Ilithya manages to get to her feet. “Please,” she gasps out—and then Lucretia does what I was very not expecting and throws herself over the cliff edge with the child in her arms. :( Oh. I guess she wanted a baby to take with her to the afterlife to be reunited with Quintus. One big happy dead family. Psycho bitch. Ilithya faints.

SPARTY KILLS GAIUS. BY STABBING HIM THROUGH THE MOUTH WITH A SWORD . Omg, yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. The episode ends with everyone chanting “Spartacus! Spartacus!”

Spartacus: Monsters, 3/23/12

Some guy in the forest, Nasir, and Ludo are keeping, like, the worst watch ever. Three Roman soldiers sneak up on/past them into the temple where everyone lies sleeping. Naevia, up getting a glass of water, sees them and sounds the alarm. A battle begins but quickly ends when the “soldiers” remove their masks: it’s just a disguised Gannicus, Crixus, and Sparty. They were testing everyone. Sparty is not at all happy with the FAIL test results and tells everyone to get ready for a long day. He and Oenomaus get busy setting up more rigorous training. Gannicus volunteers to help; Oenomaus is having none of that, thank you very much. Sparty has a talk with Mira, who’s upset that he’s been distant. He tells Mira that he’s sorry but he just can’t love her; his heart is irreparably broken. :( I HATE YOU, GAIUS.

Back at the crib, Gaius, who’s too horny too notice that Seppia’s lost her desire for him, is about to get it on with her when the doors are flung open and a dirty, disheveled Ilithya enters and collapses into a shallow pool of water. When she wakes later, Gaius pumps her for information about where she was held. She tells what little she knows, then realizes she’s in the guest quarters, not their bedchambers. He says she shouldn’t be surprised that he no longer loves her, given how she treated him. I have to agree. I guess nobody bothered to tell Lucretia of Ilithya’s return; Lucretia is shocked and delighted to see her. Ilithya tells her that the unborn child is not Gaius’s; it’s Sparty’s. Wait—what????!!!? I thought Ilithya was just lie-telling to Sparty so he wouldn’t kill her! Aw DAMMIT. This means I have to like Ilithya now, since she’s carrying Sparty Jr. (It’s totally a boy.) and since she’s all like, I totally suddenly love and want my baby. Well, ok, but it’s going to be a grudging, conditional like, not a full-fledged like. Anyhoo, Lucretia assures Ilithya that loving her baby is good, not irrational, no matter who the father. A distraught-looking Seppia wanders past just then; Lucretia tells Ilithya that Seppia knows Gaius killed Seppius, and can’t really do anything about it though she’s itching to. Ilithya’s eyes light up; she says she’ll help Seppia get her vengeance, as that would in turn benefit her and Sparty Jr. Elsewhere, Gauis and Ashur put their heads together and figure out that Sparty et al. are probably staying in the old abandoned temple at the foot of Vesuvius. Shit.

Later, Ashur tells Lucretia that once Sparty is captured, Gauis has agreed to give Ashur the ludus … and Lucretia to wed. She is, of course, horrified. Gauis’s plans to head to Vesuvius are interrupted by Virinius, who has arrived to tell Gaius that the Senate wants him to cease pursuit of Sparty and return to Rome immediately. Gaius asks why word would be sent by a man who covets his wife. Virinius doesn’t look too concerned that Gaius knows about that; he simply says he isn’t the only one coveting Ilithya; there are rumors she’s been kidnapped. Ilithya puts in a quick appearance to prove the rumors false; then leaves. Virinius tells Gaius that he will head to Vesuvius in Gauis's place to capture Sparty, and Gaius best return to Rome or lose any hope of rising in the Senate. As Virinius is leaving, he’s stopped by Seppia; he tells her that her news of Ilithya’s kidnapping (Oh. She’s the blabbermouth.) was no good and that a bracelet is not enough to prove Gaius killed Seppius.

At the old abandoned temple at the foot of Vesuvius, Sparty et al. enjoy some stolen wine; then he encourages anybody who has beef with anybody else to get it out of their systems and settle it now so that when the time comes to fight for real, they’ll have put aside petty differences. After a few prelim matches, he announces Crixus and Agron vs Gannicus and Oenomaus. OH SNAP. Hey, whaddya know, it works: Crixus and Agron shake hands—er, clasp wrists—and Gannicus and Oenomaus actually smile at each other. Yay, camaraderie!

Seppia cries on Lucretia’s shoulder that her advice to tell Virinius what was going on (Lucretia, you sneaky bitch!) didn’t work. Lucretia gives her a knife and tells her that the only thing Seppia can do now is kill her brother’s murderer herself. Lucretia meets with Ilithya to tell her Seppia’s totally gonna kill Gaius. Seppia goes to Gaius as he whines about having to return to Rome. He gets undressed to bathe (Hey, nice body, Gaius.) and tries to put the moves on her. She bashes him upside the head with a wine jar. He falls to the floor, momentarily stunned and defenseless; Seppia raises her knife to kill him—and then Ilithya runs up, grabs it, stabs Seppia in the chest, then slits Seppia’s throat. The blood spurts high; Seppia falls into the water, dead. So, I’m thinking that Lucretia is not going to be happy about this. She wanted Gaius dead so he won’t give her to Ashur. Plus, Ilithya totally played Lucretia, getting her to work Seppia into a frenzy so that Ilithya could play hero. Anyhoo, Gaius tells Ilithya thanks and all, but we can never be how we were. She’s like, fine. So let’s be what we are. Just cuz they don’t love each other doesn’t mean they can’t present a united front and destroy all who stand in their way. Gaius is like, yeah! Eff Virinius; I’M going to Vesuvius. But first, he and Ilithya get it on, which is gross, cuz he's covered in Seppia’s blood.

We cut from that nasty mess to a way more welcome sex sesh: Crixus and Naevia. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Omg, so hot, so passionate. Outside, Sparty and Gannicus chat atop the wall. Suddenly they see the signal. Soldiers are coming! The battle begins. Sparty and Gannicus fight out in the woods; Agron, Oenomaus, Crixus, and the others wage war at the temple. Mira and Naevia are totally like expert archers now. You go, girls! The gladiators win this round; Sparty captures Virinius and marches him back to the temple. But then Glaber attacks from the woods, shooting volley after volley of flaming fireballs into the temple—one of which takes off half of Virinius’s handsome face—to bring down the wall. Then the soldiers attack, along with Ashur and his motley crew. That big Egyptian bests Oenomaus and stabs him through the hand, putting out his eye. OH MY GOD I HATE THAT GUY. Seriously. Ever since he was first introduced, I've hated him. And now he has half-blinded my Oenomaus! May he die a gory death in the season finale. Anyhoo, Gannicus comes to Oenomaus's aid as Sparty orders everyone to fall back into the tunnels. Tar is thrown down and lit so the soldiers can’t follow. Alas, there are more soldiers out in the woods; Sparty orders everyone up the mountain pass.

Gaius tells Ashur that all they have to do now is wait them out; eventually hunger will drive them down from the mountain.

The Walking Dead: Beside the Dying Fire, 3/18/2012

Just in case anyone was wondering, we’re shown how that many zombs got in the woods: they were a random cluster from the city drawn first by the sound of a helicopter, then by Shane’s and Carl’s gunfire. (Wait—a helicopter? So there’s still a military somewhere!)

Glenn and Daryl return to the farmhouse. Daryl reports that Randall got zombed, he was not bitten, and his and Shane’s tracks being together was suspicious. (In other words, Daryl knows Shane killed Randall.) Lori asks him to go back out and try to find Rick and Shane. Glenn stays; Andrea and Daryl head outside—and everyone sees the approaching zomb swarm. Doc tells Tricia to kill the lights. Andrea goes to get the guns. Glenn says maybe they’ll just pass by like the highway herd; maybe they should just wait it out in the house? Daryl says not unless there’s an escape tunnel; that many zombs’ll tear the house down. Lori realizes Carl’s missing.

Rick and Carl dart through the zomb horde, make it to the barn, lock themselves inside. They pour gasoline around. Carl climbs up into the loft. Rick throws open the doors then darts up the ladder; Carl drops a lighter, and there’s a zomb roast. At the farmhouse, everyone’s arming themselves and loading weapons. The plan is to load into the cars and lead the zombs away.
-- Daryl: You serious?
-- Doc: This is my farm. I’ll die here.
-- Daryl: All right. It’s as good a night as any.
LOL. Theodore drives while Andrea shoots from the truck. Maggie drives while Glenn shoots from the SUV. Daryl shoots from his motorcycle, then yells at Jimmy, who’s shooting from the RV, that Rick and Shane must’ve set the barn on fire. Swing around and see if he can see them. In the house, Lori’s running around frantically looking for Carl. Beth observes that the barn is on fire. Tricia says maybe Rick set the fire to draw the zombs. Nice guesswork, Daryl and Tricia. Jimmy pulls up to the barn; Rick and Carl hop onto the RV roof. For reasons I’ll never understand, Jimmy doesn’t drive off, and zombs break in and eat him. :( I guess he didn’t know Rick and Carl were on the roof. Rick and Carl climb down, hear Jimmy’s screams and see his blood on the windshield, realize he’s history, and take off running. (Observation: RV drivers die.)

Doc stands a few feet from the farmhouse, shooting and shooting and shooting. Tricia, Beth, Lori, and Carol yell for him to come with them; he doesn’t budge. They flee. The zombs get Tricia. :( Theodore and Andrea pull up; Lori and Beth hop in the truck; Andrea hops out to go get Carol. Andrea shoots a zomb; it falls on her; Theodore et al. assume she’s dead and Carol’s lost, drive off. Elsewhere, Glenn yells at Maggie that they have to leave; the farm can’t be saved. They go. At the house, Doc is still standing there, shooting. A zomb is about to sneak up on him from behind; Rick and Carl run up; Rick shoots it. Doc says he doesn’t know where Lori is. He doesn’t want to leave, but Rick convinces him, and the three of them hop in Doc’s truck and flee. They just miss Andrea. She grabs the ammo bag and takes off running. Doc gets in a final glance at his brightly burning barn as they drive off. Elsewhere, Daryl hears Carol’s screams and picks her up on his motorcycle just before the zombs get to her.


Holy shit. I’m exhausted.

Dawn breaks. Maggie is freaking out wondering about her family.
Glenn suggests they head for the highway; maybe everyone will be there. (Note: FAIL! People, you always have an in-case-we-get-separated-in-a-zomb-attack rendezvous point.) Maggie says no cuz that’s where the zombs came from. Glenn (wisely) switches with her so that he’s driving; then calms her down by telling her he loves her—AWWWWWWWW!—and it’ll be all right. Doc, Rick, and Carl, thinking like Glenn, pull up on the highway to see if anybody else will show up there. Carl’s mad cuz Rick won’t go back for Lori. Doc tells Rick to take Carl to a safe place; he (Doc) will stay behind and wait for the others to arrive, if they arrive at all. Rick doesn’t want to split up. In the truck, Beth and Lori want to go to the highway to see if their families are there. Theodore refuses to stop. Lori opens her door and threatens to jump out. He relents. Carol/Daryl, Maggie/Glenn, and Lori/Theodore/Beth arrive on the highway together. Joyful reunion time!!!! Rick asks Daryl how he found everyone; Daryl brings the funny, explains that he found Glenn cuz his driving is so bad Daryl figured it had to be an Asian. Glenn and I LOL. Oh Daryl, you endearingly bigoted bastard. There’s a who’s-dead check: Jimmy, Tricia, and Shane are goners; Andrea might’ve survived? But the chances are seriously like nil; plus, there’s no way to find her. The group heads east. The camera pans to … the note they left on a windshield for Sophia back when they were looking for her. :(

Cut to: Andrea running through the woods, gun in her hand, ammo bag over her shoulder, zombs in hot shuffling pursuit.

Rick stops the group; his vehicle’s almost out of gas. He says they should camp for the night and in the morning make a gas/supplies run. Beth says but what if zombs come thru, or a dangerous group like Randall’s, leading Daryl to say he found Randall dead by Shane’s hand and zombed but not bitten, leading Rick to admit what he’s known since the CDC: that everybody’s infected and will automatically zomb upon death. People are mad* that he never said anything. Glenn says he told everybody about the barn zombs; Rick should’ve told everyone they’re infected. Rick says he thought people were better off now knowing. He strides off, angry. Lori approaches and hugs him, says she’s sure he had his reasons. He tells her he killed Shane, that Shane killed Randall to lure Rick into the woods, Rick realized what he was doing but wanted it over because he was tired of Shane coveting her and Carl, Shane came at him and Rick killed him, Shane zombed, and Carl re-killed him. Lori looks like her head’s going to explode. She doubles over. Rick reaches for her; she knocks his hand away and storms off, furious**.

In the woods, an exhausted Andrea has three zombs on her tail. She drops the ammo bag, bashes the first one’s head in with her gun, knifes the second one thru the skull, and is struggling with the third one when out of nowhere, a shiny blade decapitates it. A shocked Andrea looks up to see a hooded female figure*** standing there, sword in hand, leading two armless, jawless zombs by chains. And I'm seriously all like WHOA! Who dat?

The group sits around a campfire. Carol whispers to Daryl that they don’t need to be around Rick and he’s dangerous. Daryl says, “No. Rick’s done all right by me” (HE’S DONE ALL RIGHT BY ALL OF YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS.), and that Rick is a man of honor. Damn right. Maggie tells Glenn that she thinks they should take their chances without Rick. Doc says don’t be foolish; there’s no food, fuel, or ammo. Damn right. They hear a noise in the woods. Everybody’s jumpy; Maggie says they should leave. Rick says nobody should go running off in the dark. Damn right. Carol says “Do something!” Rick says he IS doing something! He’s keeping the group safe! He killed Shane for the good of the group! And his hands are clean, because Shane lured him into the woods to kill him, and everybody knows Shane needed to be killed! (Carl starts crying. You idiots! You’re upsetting the child!) If anyone wants to go, Rick continues, go! But if they stay, this ain’t a democracy anymore. Nobody leaves. Damn right. It’s a Ricktocracy. (Credit: I stole that from The Talking Dead.)

The camera pans away to … a castle? manor? prison! in the woods. Setting for season three? Methinks yes. Best season finale EVAR? Methinks yes.

Discussion:
*I don’t get why everyone’s mad. Just what did Rick do that was so bad? WHO CARES if when you die you automatically zomb? What the hell difference does that make??? And we all remember how straightjacket-required crazy Jenner was; he could have been wrong. As Rick tried to explain to Lori, he didn’t know for sure Jenner was right until he saw Zomb Shane. Plus, after everything Rick has done for the good of the group, how dare they turn on him? HOW DARE THEY?????

** Lori can hop the happy hell off of her high horse. She has no right whatsoever to be upset about Shane. Hell, it might've been her ill-timed apology to Shane that set him off and made him want to kill Rick. And like two episodes ago she was whispering in Rick’s ear that he needs to do something about Shane. Well, he did. AND SHANE WAS GOING TO KILL RICK. So, why’s she mad? Maggie, Lori, and Carol need to take a Xanax or smoke a joint or something and calm the eff down. I’m mad that it’s the women completely losing their cool. I’m going to chalk it up to the stress of the night. Team Rick, Doc, and Daryl. And Theodore, since he didn’t make any anti-Rick statements. And since the black guy didn't die, for once. Yay!

***I haven’t read the comics, so I had to wait til The Talking Dead (I love you, Chris Hardwick.) to find out who that was. Michonne. Fan-favorite character. (Black chick! Yay! Black girl high five!!!) Total bad ass—although that part I figured out from the sword skills and mutilated zomb prisoners, lol. I’m already loving her and wanting to be BFFs. Plus, she saved Andrea. *hug*

The Walking Dead: Better Angels, 3/11/2012

After Rick’s touching eulogy during the funeral (during which Daryl was staring rather fixedly at Carol. Omg, they are so going to get it on.) for Dale, Theodore (I’m still refusing to call him T-Dog, sorry.), Andrea, Daryl, and Shane zoom around Doc’s land in a truck, checking the fences, looking for any more zombs that have wandered onto the property. They come across a small group—Herd? pride? cluster? Oooh, yes. Cluster.—cluster of zombs in a field feeding on a cow and enthusiastically dispatch them with bow and arrow, shovel, hammer, and pitchfork. Hell yes.

Cold weather’s moving in; Rick and peeps are moving into the farmhouse. Thank god it’s so big, as there will be 14 people under one roof. Rick’s instructing everyone on where to go and what to do; Doc’s stocking the basement with a few days’ supply of food and water. (And at some point, I hope they run through a few In Case of Zomb Attack Drills.) Shane’s mad cuz Rick’s not going to kill Randall; Rick tells him to get over it. Later, Carl gives Shane the gun he (Carl) stole from Daryl and confesses that Dale would probably be alive if he (Carl) hadn’t royally botched killing that zomb. “I was gonna do it! Shoot it right in the head,” he insists. Poor kid, the guilt’s really eating at him. Shane tells him that what happened was not his fault (I say again: I’ve always liked Shane for not taking out his frustrations with Rick and Lori on Carl.), and that he needs to keep the gun. Carl says he’s never touching another gun again, give it back to Daryl.

Domestic stuff: Maggie invites Glenn to put his stuff in her room, but he’s entirely uncomfortable with that with her Dad around. Heh. Doc tells Lori she and Carl can have his bed; he’ll sleep on the couch; she’s all, oh no, this is your house; he’s all, but you’re preggo; Theodore’s all, if y’all can’t decide, I’ll take it. LOL. Take the damn bed, Lori.

Lori has a chat with Shane, tells him she’s so sorry for how everything turned out, that she doesn’t even know whose baby she’s carrying, that she’s so grateful that he kept her and Carl safe when Rick was presumed dead, and she’s just so, so, sorry. The look on Shane’s face as she walks away is … hard to read. Daryl and Rick consult a map, discuss where they’re going to drop Randall. Rick thanks Daryl for mercy-killing Dale, then asks him if he’s ok with abandoning instead of killing Randall. Daryl pointedly answers, “I don’t see you and I trading haymakers on the side of the road.” LOL. I had to translate that for the friend I was watching with. A “haymaker” is southern slang for a punch. (Thank you, redneck upbringing.) In other words, Daryl answered, “Dude, yes. We’re not about to beat the shit out of each other over it, the way you and Shane did.” LOL. Daryl leaves; Shane approaches, tells Rick about Carl’s brush with the Dale-killing zomb, suggests he talk to Carl about it. Rick says they can talk after Randall’s been taken care of. Shane volunteers to go with Daryl to drop Randall off. Rick, who knows damn well that’ll end with Daryl unconscious, Randall dead, and Shane telling a whopper of a lie about what happened, passes on that. Shane gives Rick the gun Carl gave him, complains that taking care of Randall is more important to Rick than Rick’s own son, and storms off. When the hell DOESN’T Shane storm off? Really. Have you noticed that? He’s, like, almost incapable of calmly walking away. At the RV, Andrea and Glenn share a touching I-really-miss-Dale moment. *sad* I almost start crying right along with Glenn. At the farmhouse, Rick passes Beth and Jimmy, boarding up the farmhouse windows, on his way to find Carl, sitting with binoculars in the barn, keeping watch. He tells Carl that Dale’s death wasn’t his fault, that people are going to die and Carl has to be able to defend himself, that it’s no-more-kid-stuff time, and Carl needs to take the gun. Carl takes it.


Oh, whaddya know. Shane played Rick like a fiddle. That whole “Randall’s more important to you than Carl” bit was just to get Rick to delay taking Randall away. Shane sneaks into the shed where Randall sits chained and blindfolded. Shane just stares at him for several seconds. You know he’s ITCHING to kill him, but doesn’t want to upset the peace. He wants to do it so badly he actually beats himself in the head a couple of times—which is actually rather disturbing to see. It’s like he’s gone completely nutso.—then makes up his mind to just effing do it. He unchains Randall and leads him into the forest, telling him that he wants to join up with Randall and his people. The second Randall relaxes, lets his guard down, and turns his back, SNAP! Shane breaks his neck. I’m not the least bit upset about Randall, whom I’m convinced was a bad guy, but how the eff is Shane going to explain this? Oh. Shane answers my question by running facefirst into a tree, bloodying his nose. It’s going to be the old “He sneaked up behind me” ploy. So, Theodore finds Randall gone, raises the alarm, bloody Shane comes rushing from the woods and says Randall sneaked up on him and got his gun, Rick orders Shane, Daryl, and Glenn to come with him and everybody else into the house. Rick and Shane go one direction, Daryl and Glenn another. At the farmhouse, Carl’s looking out of a window with his binoculars. He doesn’t have a clear view of much, just some random field. In the woods, Daryl can’t pick up Randall’s trail in the wild goose chase direction which Shane sent them, so he and Glenn circle back around, find the real trail, follow it, find footprints … Shane’s blood on a tree … Randall’s blindfold … and then Zomb Randall. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!! Glenn takes him out with a machete to the skull. “Nice,” Daryl says admiringly. But, wait a minute. If Daryl and Glenn found the kill spot, then where the hell’s Shane taking Rick? OH MY GOD. At this moment it dawns on me: this whole thing was an elaborate ruse for Shane to get Rick alone … because he’s going to kill him. Oh no! Daryl and Glenn examine Randall's body; Daryl doesn’t see any bites, says Randall died from a broken neck. Then … how did he zombify? He and Glenn realize together that it must be automatic. You don’t have to be bitten. You die; you turn into a zomb.

Elsewhere in the forest, Shane and Rick enter a field. The rear of the farmhouse is kinda far away, but clearly visible. Shane drops the looking-for-Randall charade. Rick doesn’t even really look all that surprised. :( Rick says there’s no way anybody will believe whatever lie he tells. Shane says he’ll just say Randall shot Rick; then Shane snapped Randall's neck. It’s totally believable; plus, Lori and Carl got over Rick’s death once; they can do it again. Rick asks why. Shane says because he’s a better father than Rick, and he’s better for Lori than Rick, and he’s a better man than Rick. Rick just lets him yell, then holds his gun out butt first, offers it to Shane. He says nothing has happened, they can walk back to the farm together, and while talking he inches closer and closer to Shane. To hand Shane his gun, right? Nope, to grab a knife and stab Shane through the heart. BOOM! Shane’s gun discharges as Rick knifes him. Rick lowers him to the ground. Shane dies quickly. (Nice knife skills, Rick.) Distraught and crying, Rick just sits there beside the body. The body which, we’re shown, is already beginning the zombification process. GET AWAY FROM IT, RICK.

Suddenly, Carl is there. Oh, they’re in that field he could see in his binocs. (I know, I know. How the hell does he keep sneaking out of the house? Well, clearly, Carl long ago mastered the art of giving Lori the slip.) “Dad?” asks a shaken Carl. Rick gets up and approaches him. Carl pulls out the gun and points it at Rick. Rick, naturally, assumes Carl’s mad that Rick killed Shane, tries to explain. Rick doesn’t see Zomb Shane behind him, getting up and shambling toward them. Carl does what he could not do to the Dale-killing zomb. BOOM! He shoots Zomb Shane right in the forehead. Oh, yay woot cheerio high five way to go atta boy bravo and nicely done, Carl! Good thing Rick made him take that gun. Out in the woods, all the zombs wandering around head toward in the direction of all the noise. Carl and Rick slowly approach Zomb Shane to make sure he’s dead (and, I hope, to get those two guns). They don’t notice the horde of zombs pouring in from the woods at the edge of the field.

Discussion:
- Was Shane’s heart in the right place? Maybe. He truly thought Rick’s alleged weakness was going to get Lori and Carl killed, and that he could better protect them. But YES OF COURSE he was wrong for wanting to kill Rick, so I won’t be shedding any tears for him.
- Wonder at which point Rick decided to kill Shane. When he first realized Shane’s intention was to kill him? Or was it realizing that Shane would never stop believing Rick wasn’t man enough to protect Lori and Carl?
- Sophia, Otis, Dale, Shane—gosh, the numbers sure are dwindling. :( Glenn/Daryl need to get over their hang-ups and have massive amounts of hot sex with Maggie/Carol. Such moments are precious.
- Carl. *wipes tear* The boy has become a man.