The Walking Dead: Welcome to The Tombs, 3/31/13

We open with Guv mercilessly beating the crap out of … Andrea???? Oh. No. Milton, for burning the walkers in the pit. A very bloodied Milton asks what would Guv’s daughter think? Guv replies that if he’d been tough all along, his daughter would still be alive. He takes Milton into the room where Andrea’s tied up, tells him to get the torture instruments on the table. Milton accidentally knocks some to the floor, and intentionally leaves one near Andrea. Guv hands him a knife, orders him to kill Andrea. Milton takes the knife … and attacks Guv. Nice try, but it’s not much of a physical contest; Guv guts Milton, then leaves him to die, come back as a walker, and eat Andrea. <<sad sigh>> Darn it Milton. You shoulda let Andrea blow Guv’s brains out.

At the prison, everyone’s packing up to leave. Carl looks a long time at his family photo, then at Rick’s sheriff’s star. Then he storms outside, ignores Rick, throws his stuff in a car, ignores Beth, and storms off. He’s in quite a mood. Glenn tells Rick Carl’s never been like this, not even after Lori died. I guess he doesn’t want to leave the prison? Rick looks up, sees Ghost Lori, shakes it off, goes inside. Daryl and Carol chat about Merle; Carol says his actions gave them all a fighting chance. Inside, Michonne tells Rick she understands that he had to consider Guv’s offer to trade her, then thanks him for taking her in when she first showed up. They’re all up in each other’s personal space, smiling. Hmmmm. Flirting?

At Woodbury, Guv is getting the troops all riled up to go kill the outsiders at the prison. Tyrese, Sasha at his side, tells Guv that they’re not going. This isn’t their fight; they’ll stay at Woodbury and watch over the children. Guv hands Tyrese a big ass gun and thanks him; then Guv et al. head out. They get to the prison, shoot the walkers outside the gates, crash through the gates, enter … and find the cell block deserted. They begin search the tombs. In the torture chamber, a dying Milton tells Andrea he left a pair of pliers behind her chair. As she tries to reach them, he asks her why she stayed in Woodbury after finding out her friends were at the prison. She says cuz she was trying to solve everything without anyone having to die. His voice getting weaker, he tells her she needs to hurry.

Guv and peeps quietly creep along. Until somebody drops a flash bomb/smoke grenade thingy, freaking everybody out. Shots are fired, people are screaming, smoke fills the air, walkers attack. Guv et al. run outside—and Glenn, Rick, Carol, Daryl, and Maggie open fire from hiding. Oh snap! They didn’t leave! Several people are killed. Disoriented and terrified, the Woodburyians run away or hop onto/into their trucks and drive off. Out in the woods, Carl, Hershel, and Beth, holding Judith, are hiding. A fleeing teenage boy crosses their path. Hershel and Carl point guns at him. Hershel orders him to give up his weapon. He slowly starts to hand it to Carl—and Carl shoots him. In the prison, everyone regroups; Glenn, Rick, Carol, Daryl, and Maggie celebrate their victory and decide to go to Woodbury to once and for all finish this shit. Carl tells Rick he (Carl) wants to go. Rick says no. Carl says he can handle it; he killed one of Guv’s soldiers. Hershel says that wasn’t a soldier; that was a frightened boy who was handing over his gun. Carl’s all, whatever, and storms off. Hershel tells Rick that Carl gunned that boy down for no reason.

Out on the road, Guv pulls his truck in front of the other vehicles, makes them stop. He orders everyone to go back to the prison. Martinez, Random Black Guy, and Ben are on Guv’s side; everyone else is with Karen, who says they don’t want to do this anymore, that was a slaughter, they’ll kill biters but not people, blah blah bla—Guv opens fire on them. Whoa! Yep. He simply guns them all down. A shocked Martinez and RBG, wisely, do nothing. Ben, stupidly, aims his rifle at Guv, but he’s too chickenshit to actually follow through, and Guv shoots him, too. Then Guv walks around, shooting everyone in the head. (I wonder if he’s at least got conscience enough to make sure they don’t turn … or if he just doesn’t feel like being bothered with any more undead right now … or if he’s just so pissed off that he wants the murderous joy of killing them twice.) As Guv goes around second-killing, he doesn’t realize that Karen is alive and unharmed, lying motionless underneath a dead body. Guv, Martinez, and RBG get in the truck, drive off. Well played, Karen.

At the prison, Rick asks Carl if the boy was handing his gun over. Carl admits that he killed the boy just to be safe. He did it, Carl explains, because that walker he didn’t kill then killed Dale, and Rick didn’t kill Guv who killed Merle, and, worst of all, Rick didn’t kill Andrew, that prisoner who let the walkers into the prison, resulting in Lori’s death. (And T Dog’s, Carl. Don’t forget T Dog.) Ok, I gotta defend Rick on that last one: he chased Andrew outside into a yard full of walkers. He tried to kill him; the squirrelly bastard just got lucky. Anyhoo, Carl’s explanation relieves me. I was afraid he was turning into a cold blooded killer, but his justification makes sense. In his experience, bad things happen when you don’t preemptively kill. So he’s Team When In Doubt, Take Them Out. Plus, he totally apologized to Morgan for shooting him, so I don’t think Carl is entirely heartless. Carl tells Rick to go kill Guv so Guv doesn’t kill any more of them, and storms off, deliberately dropping Rick’s star as he goes … but he’s still wearing Rick’s hat. Maggie and Glenn say they’ll stay and protect the prison in case Guv returns; Michonne, Rick, and Daryl head out. Out on the highway, they come across the deserted vehicles and walkers chowing down on the fresh kills. They kill the walkers, find Karen hiding.

In the torture room, Andrea gets free just as Zombie Milton rises up and approaches.

Night has fallen. Michonne, Rick, Daryl, and Karen sneak toward the Woodbury wall. Tyrese and Sasha see them, open fire. Karen yells at them to stop shooting, Guv went apeshit crazy and killed the others, Rick et al. saved her. Tyrese lets them in. Rick says Andrea never made it to the prison; they go looking for her. They find her with Zombie Milton. He’s dead, yay! But she’s been bitten. MOTHER %$&@!!!!! Andrea asks if the others are ok, then asks for a gun to kill herself. “I just didn’t want anyone to die,” she says. “I tried.” “You did,” Rick says. Michonne, crying, stays with Andrea. Rick, Tyrese, and Daryl wait outside. After a few moments, they hear a gunshot.

Morning. Daryl’s on his motorcycle, Michonne and Rick are in the truck, Tyrese and Sasha are in a bus. They arrive at the prison and start unloading stuff they got from Woodbury: a bunch of supplies and all the remaining residents. (Hence, the episode title.) Rick looks up … and does not see Ghost Lori. Here’s hoping she’s finally stopped haunting him (because he and Michonne are a future couple!!!!!). A-now-even-more-furious Carl demands to know wtf is up with all the new people; Rick says they will be staying with them from now on. Carl—of course—storms off.

Y'all. Guv is still out there. <<afraid>>

RIP.

The Walking Dead: This Sorrowful Life, 3/24/13

 

Rick’s chatting with Daryl and Hersel. Oh—damn. Looks like Rick’s decided to go through with giving Michonne to Guv. Guess he thinks it’s in the group’s best interest. Neither Daryl nor Hershel is happy with the decision. Hershel crutches off; he wants no part of this. Daryl agrees, but very reluctantly. Rick wants one more person to with them for the hand-off and goes to find Merle. Who is busy tearing up all the cell block’s mattresses, hoping to find a prisoner’s secret drug stash. Rick tells Merle the plan. Merle says if Rick gives Guv Michonne, Guv’s going to “do things to her” and probably “take out both of her eyes.” Merle asks if Rick’s ok with that? Apparently, he is. :( “You cold as ice, Officer Friendly,” Merle drawls.

I’m trying not to be mad at Rick; he has to kids he’s trying to protect. But … <sigh>

Outside, Carl and Maggie make a bunch of noise and distract the walkers while Glenn and Daryl place barbed wire in the yard, and Michonne slaughters walkers who get too close. Then they all jump in the truck, Beth drives them (She’s old enough to drive?) Oh.) inside the yard, and Rick closes the gate. Glenn explains the wire might stop Guv’s goons trying to drive another van full of walkers inside the gates. “Good idea,” Rick says. “It was Michonne’s,” Daryl says pointedly.

Inside the prison, Carol sits stocking ammo and watching over Judith. And questioning Merle.

-- “Are you with us?”

-- “Sure.”

-- “I’m not talking about occupying the same space. Are you with us?”

-- “I’m here for my brother.”

-- “Well, he’s here for us.”

Then she tells him to "pick a damn side." He says exactly what I’m thinking, that she’s not the “little mouse” she used to be when he knew her before. Damn straight, and I totally dig her transformation from abused wife to grieving mother to what she is now: a fighter when necessary, a back-up medical person (See her actions after Hershel’s leg amputation, and a shrewd observer (See the advice she gave Andrea re: Guv.) Now, if she’d just officially become Daryl’s love interest, which I’ve been asking for ALL SEASON LONG, she’d be 100% awesome. Anyhoo, Merle tells her she’s a late bloomer; she tells him maybe he is too. Outside, Daryl tries to apologize to Glenn on Merle’s behalf. Glenn says maybe he could forgive Merle tying him up, beating him up, and then loosing a walker into the room—but not Merle taking Maggie to Guv to be terrorized and humiliated.

Daryl goes looking for Merle, finds him in the boiler room, asks him what he’s doing. Looking for drugs, Merle explains, then tells him Rick’s probably going to change his mind about giving Michonne up. Daryl just shrugs, says yeah probably, but what Rick says goes. Merle taunts him about so blindly following Rick, asks him what happened to him. Daryl asks what happened to him, with Glenn and Maggie. Merle says he (Merle) has done worse, and Daryl needs to grow up. Then Merle validly points out that everyone thinks he’s so terrible for delivering Glenn and Maggie to Guv, when Rick’s about to do the same thing with Michonne. Daryl says he just wants his brother back. Unable to handle the emotional stuff, Merle tells him to shoo. Daryl leaves.  Merle puts some stuff in a duffel bag, next to a rifle. “Looking for drugs” my ass—is Merle packing a bag to go back to Woodbury?

In the cellblock, Hershel sits reading the Bible to Beth and Maggie. Outside, Rick sees Ghost Lori. It shakes him up pretty badly. He goes inside; Hershel starts to try to talk him out of what he’s planning to do, and Rick says he can’t go through with it. YAAAAAAY! If you had anything to do with his change of heart, Ghost Lori, thanks. But, uh oh. In the uncleared section of the prison, Merle is leading Michonne along, feeding her some bull about needing to block the area off. They kill a few walkers—then he knocks her out.

Cut to:

Merle leads a tied-up Michonne through a neighborhood. He tells her about the deal, and that he knew Rick wouldn’t go through with it. But he (Merle) will. They pause for a moment so he can kill an approaching walker with her sword, and he says he’s surprised she didn’t try to run. She calmly replies she’s going to get her sword back first. He just laughs. At the prison, Rick tells Daryl that the exchange is off. Daryl’s like, good call. But, Rick says, he can’t find Merle or Michonne. Daryl volunteers to go after them. Out on the road, Merle tells Michonne that he hopes giving her to Guv will get Guv to let everyone at the prison live. Merle’s just trying to protect Daryl, he explains. She tells him she doesn’t think he’s really a bad guy.

Glenn drops by Hershel’s cell for a visit and—Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!—asks for Maggie’s hand in marriage. Hershel gives him his blessing. I cheer. Love. LOVE, DAMMIT. Glenn goes outside and cuts a finger off a female walker who’s about Maggie’s size to get her ring. Ha! Bloody right he got a ring. If you gotta settle for 1. an engagement-but-probably-never-a-marriage 2. during the effing zombie apocalypse 3. not long before you’re going to die, might as well make the proceedings as normal as possible.

Merle ties Michonne to a post so he can hotwire a car. In the process, he sets off its alarm. The racket attracts a swarm of walkers. Michonne yells for Merle, fighting as best she can with her hands tied. He gets the car started just a walker attacks, kills it, gets her in the car, and they zoom off. As they ride along, she tells him that he’s blowing his chance to become a part of Rick’s group. He tells her she’s just as much on the  outside as he is; she says at least once Guv’s done with her, she won’t have to live with herself. She suggests they just go back. He says he can’t. She asks why not—and he stops the car, slices the wires binding her hands, gives her her sword, and tells her to go back to the prison and get ready for Guv’s attack. He’s got to go handle something. Then he drives off. Ok, wow. That was very much NOT how I thought that was going to end. Elsewhere, Daryl comes across the still-alive head of the walker Merle killed just as Michonne approaches and swords it to death. He asks her if she kills Merle; she tells him Merle let her go. Daryl tells her not to let anyone come after him and runs off.

Using the car radio to attract them, Merle leads a swarm of walkers to the rendezvous point, then jumps out of the slow-rolling car and hides, leaving the music blaring. Martinez, Ben, Allen, Guv, and several more of his goons are standing around, weapons at the ready. (WAIT A MINUTE. Last week, Allen was yelling at Tyrese that he’s the one who takes care of his son, not Tyrese. So, Allen’s idea of taking care of Ben is bringing him along to kill people????) They hear the noise, approach the car, and start shooting at the walkers; from hiding, Merle starts shooting at the goons. He takes out several of them, and just as he’s about kill Guv, Ben gets in the way and is shot. Your fault, Allen!!! Martinez realizes that someone is shooting at them just as a walker attacks Merle. He kills it; then Martinez et al. find him and beat the crap out of him. Guv yells, “Leave him to me!” The two of them fight. It’s savage. Guv actually bites off two of Merle’s fingers. (Gosh, a lot of finger removal this episode.) Guv pulls out a gun. Merle says he’s not going to beg. Guv shoots him.

Maggie stands out in the yard, keeping watch. Glenn puts the ring in her hand. “Yes,” she says immediately. (Awwwwww.) Then they join the others. Rick tells everyone about the deal, and that he was going to go through with it, but changed his mind. He couldn’t give up one person for the greater good because they are the greater good; the only reason they’re alive is that they have each other. He recants his this-is-a-Ricktatorship speech from a year ago (So it’s now a democRICKcy!), and says that how they live isn’t up to him. He’s not their “governor.” They’ll vote to stay and fight, or to abandon the prison. He leaves them to think about it. Up on the watchtower, he sees Michonne returning.

Daryl arrives at the rendezvous point. He sees a bunch of dead walkers and a bunch of walkers eating freshly dead bodies ... including Zombie Merle (who is eating freshly dead Ben). Zombie Merle approaches. Daryl shoves him away a few times, finally kills him, then collapses, crying. 

I’ve been begging for Merle to die, and die horribly, since season one, so I feel not one bit of pity for him, but oh, how my heart aches for Daryl. Comfort him, Carol. :(

The Walking Dead: Prey, 3/17/13

Flashback! To Michonne and Andrea’s post-farm/pre-Woodbury time together. (Yes! I’ve been curious about what all they went through.):

Michonne and Andrea sit eating, warming themselves before a fire. Chained to a nearby tree are Michonne’s jacz (jawless, armless, chained zombies). Andrea asks Michonne where she found them. Michonne will say only, “They deserved what they got. They weren’t human to begin with.” Wow. Guess they were rapists. Or child-touchers. Or Ke$ha fans.

Cut to:

Guv is in a holding cell, this one clearly designed for far more than interrogation. He gives some arm-restraining chains a mighty tug, then, satisfied with their sturdiness, lets out an almost orgasmic sigh. Rick, Guv is planning to do VERY BAD THINGS to Michonne. :( Please don’t let him have her.

Elsewhere in Woodbury, Martinez and troops are loading up weapons. Like, all of them. Milton approaches, looking troubled by this. Andrea approaches, also looking displeased. “I thought there was a deal on the table,” she says. Martinez gives her an are-you-really-that-stupid? look. In the cell, Guv is laying out some of the cruelest-looking instruments of torture EVER. Milton enters, asks how torturing Michonne and killing the people at the prison is going to help Woodbury. Yes, Michonne killed Guv’s zombied daughter, but it’s over and doesn’t matter now. Guv says it’s all that matters, and leaves. Outside, Milton finds Andrea, tells her that Guv asked Rick for Michonne, but is going to kill them whether he gets Michonne or not. Then Milton takes her to Guv’s torture chamber so she can get a good look at the various instruments of terribleness. He tells her to go tell the prison peeps to GTFO while they still can. (Time Out: If you think about it, this whole thing is Maggie and Glenn’s fault. If they hadn’t been so busy flirting with each other. Merle never could’ve sneaked up on them and hauled them back to Woodbury, which was the genesis of this whole mess. But I forgive them because I’m so happy they’re back together. Yay! Time In.) Andrea doesn't want to go; she wants to kill Guv. YOU SHOULD’VE DONE THAT WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE, we all scream. Milton says she’ll never get close enough—and then Guv enters. Ok, he keeps upping the crazy. He lays out a suturing needle and thread: he’s planning to tend to Michonne’s torture-inflicted wounds to keep her alive a good, long while and draw out the misery. Then he whistles to test a recorder and listens to the playback: he’s planning to tape her screaming and begging for mercy and listen to it ad infinitum. Andrea has seen enough. She takes out her gun, aims it—and Milton grabs it. As they silently struggle, Guv leaves. Milton, you @$#!ing $#&%!!!! Back at her place, Andrea asks Milton how he can still protect Guv. Milton says that the good Phillip, the pre-Guv Phillip that Milton once knew, is still in there somewhere. Anyway, if she’d killed Guv, Martinez would’ve killed her and then taken over, and her friends would’ve still died. She agrees to go to the prison, tries to convince Milton to come with her. He refuses. She says if he stays, he can’t keep looking the other way when it comes to Guv’s crazy, and gives him a cheek-smooch goodbye.

OOOOOOOOOH, PREDICTION: Milton is the one who’s going to kill Guv. You heard it here first!!!

Out on the street, Martinez confiscates Andrea’s gun/bullets; all arms are being collected for the forthcoming Woodburians-Prisonites Showdown. He asks her if she has a knife? She makes a big show of being annoyed, invites him to frisk her. Guv approaches, apologizes for not making her aware of the gun-taking. Which, after all the things she and he both know he’s neglected to tell her, has to be the most asinine apology in history. He asks her to go with them when they meet Rick, to talk him down in case he tries anything. She smiles sweetly and agrees. Elsewhere, Tyrese and Sasha are atop a section of the wall, target practicing. It takes Tyrese several tries, but his fourth shot fells a walker. Andrea approaches and tells them a fibby fib about a large pack of walkers being spotted at the front gate and Martinez needing them there. They refuse to go w/o Martinez’s say-so, so Andrea drops the pretense. She climbs up, tells them she’s leaving. “Nobody leaves!” Tyrese says, and tries to stop her. Andrea pulls out a switchblade. (Should’ve frisked her, Martinez!) As he did when Rick went batshit and started waving a gun around, Tyrese immediately backs off. I love Tyrese’s firmly developed sense of self preservation. This is one black guy, let us hope, who is not going to die. (RIP again to Oscar and T Dog. ::pours out a little Mountain Dew [into my mouth]::) Andrea apologizes but says she can’t stay. Tyrese asks why; she explains that Guv is not what he appears to be. She’s leaving and they should, too. She jumps down and takes off running. Tyrese and Sasha are unwilling to shoot her, but they do go immediately report this to Guv and Martinez. Martinez is mad they didn’t shoot her, but Guv says they did the right thing, then tells them a fibby fib about Andrea being crazy, having mentally gone off the deep end after spending a whole winter out there lost and wandering by herself. Then he asks if she said why she left. Tyrese and Sasha make the smart decision to tell a fibby fib of their own; they say nope. Guv sends them off with Martinez and heads outside, where Milton catches up with him and innocently asks if Andrea’s run off, then if Martinez and crew are going after her. Guv says nope, he himself is. Milton says let her go; she just wants to be with her people. Guv grabs Milton and asks if he’d talked to Andrea, if he knew she was leaving, if Milton told her about Michonne. Milton’s silence is a “yes.” A furious Guv stalks off. Miltooooooooooon. Dammit, why didn’t you lie?!?!???

Martinez tells Random Black Guy and the other two from Tyrese's group, Ben and Ben's son Allen, to get ready to roll out in five. Tyrese asks, “We’re not going after the girl, are we?” Martinez says nope, they're doing something else. He goes to prep the truck. Ben tells Tyrese that Martinez doesn’t trust him (Tyrese), and he needs to stop making waves cuz they got a good thing going here. Then Ben and Tyrese have it out about an old feud; apparently Ben’s jealous cuz Tyrese once saved Donna’s (Ben’s now-dead wife) life, and she always saw him as a hero after that. Tyrese assures him she knew Ben was just as brave. Martinez calls for them; it's time to go. “We ain’t done,” Ben says. Stupid male ego. Out on the highway, Andrea runs along, hears a vehicle approaching. Knowing Guv’s likely to come after her, she ducks into the woods to hide. Martinez’s truck passes. And then, walker attack!!! She fights them off and runs on. Martinez, Random Black Guy, Ben, Allen, Tyrese, and Sasha arrive at a hole in the ground full of walkers. When Tyrese finally gloms on to the fact that the walkers will be released upon the Prisonites, he refuses to participate. Martinez says fine, when they get back tell Guv, and they’ll be sent packing. “No need for that,” says a happily helping Ben. Tyrese tells Martinez they’ll just leave. Ben tells Tyrese he doesn’t speak for them, that Tyrese is not about to send him and Allen back out there, that he, not Tyrese, will look out for Allen. “Like you looked out for Donna?” Tyrese asks. (Ok, low blow, but Ben has just agreed to loose a gaggle of walkers upon a group of people that he knows includes women, children, AND A BABY. So screw Ben.) Enraged, Ben starts fighting Tyrese—and I heartily LLLLLLOL. Tyrese is built like a frigging tank; Ben, like a beanpole. Sure enough, Tyrese epic bodyslams Ben, brushes away Allen like a mosquito when he tries to help his dad, then holds Ben over the walker-filled pit. Ben goes all Billy Bad Ass, screaming "Do it!" Only because, mind you, he knows that Tyrese won't. Martinez and Random Black Guy simply stand back and watch the proceedings … and hey, since there’s no tv anymore, and they really don’t care about any of these people, you can totes understand their pass-the-popcorn reaction. Sasha gets in Tyrese’s face and begs him not to do it; after a moment, he releases Ben. Martinez claps satirically, tells Random Black Guy to take them back to town.

Making her way across a field, Andrea hears a vehicle. She ducks, but she’s too late. The truck heads off the highway, straight for her. At first I’m chill because I think it’s Tyrese et al., but then I see it’s Guv and I’m like HOLY SHIT GIRL RUN!!! She totally hears me and hauls ass, making it back into the forest, where Guv in his truck can’t follow. In case you’re wondering why he wasn’t shooting at her: because, you see, he now wants to torture her right alongside Michonne. As night begins to fall, Andrea makes it to an abandoned building … and so does Guv. She sees the headlights of his truck in the gathering gloom, slips inside. He enters, starts whistling. The noise brings a walker, which Andrea kills. He follows the noise, sees her fresh kill. He calls out for her, tells her to come back to Woodbury; it’s her home now. No answer. He grabs a shovel and breaks out a bunch of windows, then starts creepily whistling again as he wanders around looking for her. He gets really close to where she’s hiding … then gets distracted by some walker-killing. Andrea sneaks away, kills a walker, opens a door, darts into a stairwell. Arrrrrrgh, it’s filled with walkers. She turns back—and comes face to face with Guv. My. Heart. Is. Pounding. “Time to go home,” he says all sweetly and evilly. Andrea opens the door and hides behind it; the walkers come rushing in. Guv has to fight for his life. Andrea watches for a bit with a very satisfied smirk, then heads off. Back at the pit, an unidentified someone rolls up in a big black pickup, douses all the walkers with gasoline, burns them all up, ZOMBIE ROAST!, then drives off. But, who did? It wasn’t Tyrese, y’all. He doesn’t have security clearance to get a vehicle then go off alone. Oh, but you know who does? Milton.

Day. An exhausted Andrea tromps through the woods, sees the prison, smiles, and starts toward it—and Guv jumps out, claps a hand over her mouth, and drags her into the bushes. Keeping watch from the tower, Rick thinks he sees something. He looks through his rifle scope, but sees only bushes, and dismisses it. (Thank you so much, Ghost Lori, for making Rick assume he's hallucinating again.) At the pit, Random Black Guy arrives to find the walkers all burnt to heck. When Guv returns to Woodbury later, Martinez asks if he found Andrea, Guv says no. Then Martinez tells Guv somebody burned the pit biters, and it was totally Tyrese and his sister. Guv goes to talk to the group, assures them that using walkers is just a scare tactic, and he doesn’t actually intend for anyone to get eaten. Tyrese accepts this and says that he and the others would like to stay. Guv says ok and starts to leave, stops to ask Tyrese where he got the gasoline. Tyrese is all wtf? And Guv realizes it must’ve been Milton. Outside, Milton approaches, asks if Andrea’s dead. Guv non-answer: “I hope not.” Milton says he heard about the pits, what a shame, he hopes Guv finds out who did it. “Already have,” Guv says. Milton walks off looking decidedly unafraid. Guv glares at him. I’m wondering, why’s Milton still walking around free and unpunished? I’d’ve thought that after finding out Milton told Andrea about Michonne, Guv would’ve had him gagged and chained in the torture cell.

Cut to:

Andrea sits gagged and chained in the torture cell. And I feel sorry for her! I do! But she wouldn’t be there if she’d left Woodbury with Michonne. Or if she’d killed Guv when she had the chance. Or if she’d gone back to the prison with Daryl and Hershel. Anyway, Milton will save her.

The Walking Dead: Arrow on the Doorpost, 3/10/13

Rick and Hershel in the car, Daryl on his motorcycle, they approach a run-down farm. Rick and Daryl leave Hershel to keep watch in the car with his awesome hip holster gun and the one of new rifles. They’re pretty bad ass rifles, but still. Hershel???? Why not Maggie or Glenn or Merle? Or hell, Beth or Carol OR SOMEBODY WHO CAN WALK? Anyhoo, Rick and Daryl go noiselessly sneaking around, eventually approach a barn, and split up. Rick enters and comes face to face with … Guv. Ohhhhhh. That’s why Hershel. Maggie and Glenn don’t need to be anywhere near Maggie’s almost-rapist, and seeing Merle might get Guv riled up. Dammit, T Dog, why’d you have to die? You'd’ve been ideal for this. :(  Anyhoo, Daryl peeps in a window, sneaks away. Guv holds up his hands, (“Kill him!” I shriek.), then makes a big show of removing his weapon, asks Rick to do the same. Rick merely holsters his gun. Good call, cuz Guv then sits at a table to which a gun has been strapped.

Outside, Martinez, Andrea, and Milton arrive. Daryl wants to know why Guv is already inside, information Andrea is surprised and annoyed to hear, cuz that apparently wasn’t her plan. She enters, again asks Rick and Guv to end this so no one else has to die. Back outside, the boys are having a pissing contest. Daryl calls Milton the “butler” (which actually makes Martinez [and me] laugh), Milton calls Daryl a henchman, Daryl tells Milton to watch his mouth, Martinez tells Daryl to shut up. They get in each other’s faces; Hershel basically tells them all to grow up; they step off. We LODs (Lovers of Daryl) laugh at the stupidity of Martinez, to actually think he would have won that fight. Back at the prison, the others are arming themselves and distributing/stockpiling ammo. Merle says what they need to do is load up, drive to the rendezvous, and kill Guv. Michonne reminds him they promised Rick and Daryl they’d stay put; Carl and Glenn tell Merle no. Carl and Glenn as de facto leaders: like!

In the barn, Andrea’s trying to peace talk; Guv cuts her off. Rick says he knows what Guv did to Maggie; Andrea looks confused. Rick shows Guv a map, suggests they both agree to boundary lines that will never be crossed. Guv says no; an angry Rick says to Andrea she’d told him Guv was ready to talk. He and Rick order Andrea outside so they can get down to business. And she goes. ::sigh:: Season 2 Andrea had it out with Lori when Lori said Andrea should help cook and clean, yet Season 3 Andrea is ok with being bossed around? Andrea as doormat: dislike. So, Guv blames the whole Glenn-Maggie thing on Merle, saying he misjudged Merle, much like Rick misjudged Shane. He compliments Rick for caring for a baby that might not be his. LOW BLOW. Then he cheerfully offers whiskey.

Outside, a gaggle of walkers approaches. Daryl and Martinez again turn it into a pissing contest, taking turns showily killing. Andrea rolls her eyes and leaves them to it, haha. Afterward, they share a smoke … and their belief that the Rick-Guv Peace Treaty Attempt is going to be a big fat fail. Outside the barn, Milton and Hershel sit chatting. (Time out. I dig Hershel’s ponytail. It makes him look like a founding father. Time back in.) Milton is intrigued that the leg amputation kept Hershel from getting zombied, asks to see the stump. Hershel says, “At least buy me a drink first.” They chuckle. It’s not lost on me that all this temporary camaraderie just goes to show that if not for Guv being a misguided self-important insane loser douche, everybody would be living in perfect harmony. In honor of that, I’m just going to leave this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib-Qiyklq-Q. In the barn, Guv tells Rick a sob story about losing his (Guv’s) wife. Which I don’t believe for a second. Andrea told Guv about Judith maybe being Shane’s baby; no doubt she also told him about Rick losing Lori, and now Guv’s playing on that emotion to soften Rick up. At the prison, Merle loads a bag with guns and ammo and tries to head out. Glenn blocks the way. They start fighting. Merle pins Glenn; Maggie and Michonne jump in, grabbing his knife arm and chokeholding him. The three of them, with their barely restrained Merle hatred, totally would have murdered his one-armed ass right then and there, but, POW! Beth, who is totally following Carl into the Junior Bad Ass League, fires a shot into the ceiling, breaking it up.

Outside the barn, Hershel crutches over to Andrea, who asks what happened with Maggie. Hershel just says that Guv’s a sick man. An answer that vague can mean any number of things, none of them good. “I can’t go back there,” Andrea says. Has she come to her senses? Inside, Guv tells Rick he knows Rick acquired a good stash of guns the other day (Damn. Dude’s got spies everywhere.) and though his people aren’t combat-tested like Rick’s, there are more of them, and the fight will last til the last man—but Rick can make it all go away. Guv removes his patch to reveal his ruined eye, says he’ll back off if Rick will hand over Michonne. Whoa! So that's the real purpose of this meeting. Guv is hopping mad about being de-eyed and wants to, slowly and painfully of course, kill Michonne. Which, yeah, is SO RIDICULOUS. Since we've known him, Guv's had like twenty people taken out, faux-raped Maggie, had Glenn beaten almost unrecognizable, tried to kill everyone at the prison, and sent Merle to murder Michonne (thus facilitating the loss of his eye). And all that's ok ... but Michonne making him a little less pretty means SHE MUST HORRIBLY DIE, apparently. ::eye roll:: Hey Guv, megalomaniacal sociopath much?

At the prison, Merle tries to convince Michonne to go with him to kill Guv; she turns him down. Outside—YAYYYYYYY!— Glenn and Maggie chat and FINALLY reconcile. He apologizes for making the aftermath of her almost-assault all about him; they hug and smooch. ::cheering:: (Now if Daryl and Carol would for pete’s sake get it on already, I will be a happy fan.) Then they sneak inside for some quick make-up sex, and. It. Is. So. Hot. (Just so I won’t have to worry about this, I’m just going to pretend they totally use condoms, and Maggie is not going to get pregnantized and then die in childbirth like Lori.) Back at the barn, Rick asks if a dumb vendetta isn’t beneath Guv? Guv simply repeats his offer and gives Rick two days to think about it, says he’ll be back at the barn then at noon. Meeting over. They head outside … and Andrea gets in the truck and leaves with Guv. ::beating head into wall:: Back at Woodbury, Guv surprises NONE OF US when he orders Martinez to have men positioned all around the barn, and when Rick et al. arrive with Michonne, kill everybody but keep her alive. Uncomfortable with that, Milton says it’s a slaughter. Guv says they were going to have to kill Rick sooner or later. Guv thanks Andrea for setting up the meeting, tells her he gave Rick some terms to consider. “What terms?” she asks, he doesn’t answer. “Hope it works out,” she says coolly, then walks off. Well, she didn’t leave, but I think (hope) it’s safe to say Andrea is over Guv.

Back at the prison, Rick tells the group only that Guv wants them all dead, and they’re going to war. Later, he confides to Hershel that the offer was Michonne-for-peace. “He’ll kill her,” Hershel says. Rick nods. “And then kill us anyway.” But then Rick questions what if maybe possibly Guv’ll keep his word? HE WON’T, RICK. Hershel reminds Rick that Michonne told them about the Maggie-Glenn kidnapping and has saved many lives. Including his (Hershel's). Rick says yeah, he’s hoping Hershel can talk him out of handing her over. As are we all. Michonne is “one of us,” Carl said.