The Walking Dead: 18 Miles Out, 2/26/12

We open with a horde of zombs exiting a window to chase weaponless Shane who barricades himself inside a school bus, some tied-up dude crawling on the ground toward a knife, and Rick in a dumpster.


I guess that will be explained later. So, Rick and Shane are driving along; Rick stops the car, asks about Otis. Shane admits he killed Otis to stay alive. Rick, thankfully, doesn’t launch into a lecture about right and wrong; he goes to the meat o’ the matter and asks Shane if Shane thinks that he (Rick) wouldn’t have killed Otis? Shane says no. Rick asks does Shane think he can’t keep Carl and Lori safe? Shane says he never said that. (SHANE IS A LIE TELLER.) It’s just that Rick can’t be the good guy and expect to survive. Rick tells him he (Rick) is not the good guy anymore, that it took everything he had to keep from hurting Shane when Rick found out about him and Lori, that he will stay alive to protect his family, that Shane doesn’t love Lori, and Shane better cease and desist all dangerous, mutinous behavior. Can Shane agree to all that? Shane says he wants Rick to know he never looked at Lori before*, and if he could take it all back, he would. Wtf, Shane? Is that a yes or a no? Rick checks on a bound, hooded, earphoned, and gagged Randall in the trunk of the car.

(*Oh, bullshit. Just last episode, Shane told Lori what they had “was a long time coming,” [to which she immediately shot back, “It was NOT!”], so again, SHANE IS A LIE TELLER.)

In the kitchen, Maggie tells Lori about her Glenn problems. Lori tells her Glenn is a big boy and he can make his own choices and she doesn’t have anything to apologize for, and tell Glenn to man up and pull himself together. Two thumbs up to all of that. Lori takes a tray of food to Beth so Maggie can go talk to Glenn. She drops off the tray, tells Beth to eat up then they’ll go for a walk. Beth, instead, wants to discuss what I’ve been yelling since Lori first peed on a stick: “You’re pregnant? How could you do that?” Lori answers, “I don’t have much of a choice.” No, dammit! She’s not asking why you’re having the baby; she’s asking why you were dumb enough to get knocked up in the first place! (See: Maggie, who waited until she had condoms!)

Shane and Rick find a good place to drop Randall off. They scavenge for supplies after using knives instead of guns to take out two zombs, a tactic Rick wants to start using as much as possible. As Rick siphons gasoline, Shane comments that he doesn’t see any bites on the two dead zombs. Rick says they must’ve been infected through scratches. (I’m assuming that bit of info will come back in a major way later.)

Lori checks on Beth, finds her crying about how pointless it all is. Lori pep talks; Beth thanks her. But that “thank you” had more of an stfu feel to it to me. Lori takes the tray to the kitchen, realizes the knife is missing, and rushes back to get it from Beth, who’s hiding it under the covers. Lori runs to go ask Andrea to find Maggie or Herschel, then hurries back to the house. I would’ve just waited for somebody to happen by, not left Beth alone in a house with a kitchen full of knives.

Shane and Rick take a bound, hooded, earphoned, and gagged Randall out of the trunk of the car, remove the hood, phones, and gag, leave him a knife, and walk away. Randall starts begging them not to leave him alone … and he will not stfu. FAIL. He should wriggle his trussed ass over to the knife, free himself, and get about the business of surviving, not sit there helpless and tied up and screaming loudly enough to attract all zombs within a three-mile radius. Idiot. But it kind of works, cuz one of the many things he yells is that he went to school with Maggie. Shane and Rick freeze. Well hell’s bells, that means he knows where she lives and where the farm is. All their can’t-find-his-way-back precautions were for naught. Shane whips out his gun and BOOM tries to kill Randall, but Rick knocks the shot off target. “Not now!” Rick yells. So of course Shane says this is yet another example of Rick trying to be the good guy instead of doing what’s smartest for his family. And he can’t keep them safe. Rick loses it and throws a punch; he and Shane brawl. Like, intensely brawl. Shane even tips a motorcycle over onto Rick, lol. But they accomplish nothing more than disarming and bloodying each other. Shane throws a wrench at Rick; he misses spectacularly and it goes through a window with a mighty crash—and suddenly we’re at the opening scene. Zombs come pouring out and give chase. Rick kills one and hides under it. A zomb notices wriggling Randall and approaches; he cuts his legs free just in time, stomps on it and breaks its arm to slow it down, gets his hands free, then knifes it to death. Impressive. Rick manages to get to his gun and kill three zombs who fall on top of him, the last one by shooting through the head of the first one. Ha! That's like that scene in The Last Crusade, when Indy kills like five Nazis by shooting just one bullet.

In the kitchen, as they listen to Maggie and Beth yell at each other, Andrea and Lori also argue. Andrea says that Lori taking the knife from Beth was wrong, just as it was wrong when Dale took her gun from her. GET OVER IT ALREADY, ANDREA. But then I’m Team Andrea when Lori makes me want to punch her in the face telling Andrea that instead of helping the men defend the farm, Andrea should be helping with all the chores. (Say it with me, ladies: WTF?!???) They have it out. Lori says that Andrea refusing to help with chores means more work for the rest of the girls. Andrea says defense is more important than clean clothes. (Um, YES.) Lori says sitting on top of the RV working on her tan isn’t contributing much. Andrea say she’s on walker watch up there, bitch (Ok, I addded that "bitch."), and Lori needs to stfu because all the rest of them have lost people, but Lori’s husband and son both came back from the dead, and now she’s got a baby on the way to boot, so her head is clearly in the clouds. And then she storms off. Disappointing. I wanted them to have a Rick/Shane-style brawl right there in the kitchen and Andrea to kick Lori’s skinny ass. In the bedroom, Beth tells Maggie that there’s no point to living, that eventually the farm will be overrun and nobody will protect them, that they should kill themselves together. Tonight. Andrea knocks, volunteers to sit with Beth so Maggie can get some rest. Soon as Maggie leaves, Andrea leaves. Soon as Andrea leaves, Beth goes to the bathroom, locks the door, breaks the mirror, slits a wrist. Lori and Maggie break in, find her bleeding. Later, Andrea hears Beth tried to off herself, comes running up to the house, asks Maggie if Beth’s ok. Maggie says she’ll live; the cuts weren’t deep. A satisfied Andrea says that means Beth made her choice and wants to live. A furious Maggie orders Andrea away and tells her never to enter the farmhouse again. Andrea leaves. Lori surprises me and sticks up for Andrea, says that what Andrea did was extreme but at least now Beth has decided not to kill herself.

Rick and Randall find each other; through the bus windows, Shane sees them leave. He should be glad, right? I mean, since Rick’s finally doing the right thing and saving himself instead of risking his life to save other people, and all. Just kidding; Rick ain’t leaving. He and Randall go get the car. Randall driving, Rick shooting, they come speeding through guns-ablazing, firing on the zomb horde. Shane runs out the back of the bus and jumps in the car window, and they're off. Later, Shane and Rick stop the car to put a re-bound, re-hooded, re-earphoned, re-gagged Randall back in the trunk, have a chat. Rick says, “If you want to kill me, you’re going to have to do better than a ranch.” (I didn’t exaggerate. He said “ranch” instead of “wrench.”) He says he probably will end up having to kill Randall, but he wants a night to think about it. He repeats that it’s his wife, his son, his baby, and Shane is going to have to follow his lead. Shane AGAIN doesn’t say yea or nay, but he takes the gun Rick’s offering, and they head on down the road.

(Random: check out Jon Bernthal [Shane] in a 2002 episode of Law & Order. Nice guns, Jon.)

Spartacus: Libertus, 2/24/12

Two gladiators battle it out in the arena. One stabs the other in the midsection with a spear; dude simply pulls it out as if it’s a splinter and keeps fighting. But then he gets stabbed in the neck and is down for the count. The crowd roars its approval.

Up in the VIP box, Virinius, Albinius, Seppius, Seppia, Ilithya, and Glaber are all having two-in-one conversations. I’ll translate. Albinius congratulates Virinius on pleasing the people, then smiles at Ilithya. What he means is that he can’t wait for her to be married to Virinius instead of Glaber. Glaber reluctantly adds that Virinius will never be forgotten. What he means is that he’d gladly see Virinius dead. Ilithya responds that the same can’t be said for everyone. What she means is that she can’t wait to be married to Virinius instead of Glaber. Seppia says she wishes more men were like Virinius. What she means is that she’s not over her schoolgirl crush and wants to bang him. Seppuis says yep, but too bad there’s only one Virinius, and he has to go back to Rome soon. What he means is that he can’t wait for Virinius to gtfo so Seppia will forget about him and they can go back to incesting. (GROSS.)

Q: How can you tell if an ancient Roman is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Virinius rises and announces that three of Spartacus’s men are about to get dead—The crowd re-roars its approval. Oenomaus, Crixus, and Other Guy are brought out.—and that Gannicus has been brought out of retirement to kill them. Ooooooooh, DRAMA! Crixus always looked up to Gannicus, who was head gladiator when Crixus was first brought to the house of Batiatus. And Oenomaus and Gannicus were friends, but Oenomaus has been told that Gannicus was banging his wife Melita, and that she died drinking poison intended for Gannicus. Gannicus and several well armed fellow gladiators enter the arena. (I temporarily lose my train of thought because Dustin Clare is so hot.) “Why would he do this?” Crixus asks. “Because he is a man without honor,” Oenomaus replies. I’m sad too. I liked Gannicus. And he only fell in love with Melita after they developed feelings for each other after Lucretia made them have sex to please a visiting guest (I HATE LUCRETIA.), so that wasn’t his fault. Oenomaus asks Gannicus if the rumor about him and Melita is true; Gannicus tries to explain; Oenomaus, who wanted to hear nothing but “No,” screams in fury and attaaaaaaacks.

Hold that thought. We flashback to one day earlier.

Sparty and crew are trekking through the forest. Agron apologizes for not going with him to the mines; Sparty says forget it; if he had, more would have died. They come upon an abandoned temple. They’re about to settle in and get some rest when a lone dude wielding a bow and arrow emerges. Upon realizing the intruders are Sparty and company, he drops his weapon and is instantly friendly. Lucius is his name. He is a Roman, but he hates Romans cuz some Roman jerk killed his entire family, so he’s only too happy to aid Sparty in his quest to build an army to kill Romans. Lucius shares the latest buzz from the neighboring town: three of Sparty’s captured friends are going to be killed in the arena tomorrow; one is an undefeated Gaul. “Crixus?” asks a horrified Naevia, entering just then.

Down in the dungeons, Crixus clenches the cell bars in fury when he sees Ashur pass by, but is pleased to see a dead Roman soldier (whom Ashur killed, mind you) in tow. Glaber, on the other hand, is decidedly unpleased to see the dead soldier, demands to know what happened; Ashur blames Sparty. An unmoved Glaber sentences Ashur to die in the arena along with Oenomaus, Crixus, and Other Guy. UH OH. Glaber, you are sooooo going to regret that. Nobody wrongs Ashur. NOBODY.

Albinius gets word that Sparty remains uncaptured. He tells Ilithya, Virinius, and Lucretia that they all must remain quiet about the divorce-Glaber-marry-Virinius scheme for now. (I wonder if Ilithya doesn’t mind or doesn’t realize that the only reason Virinius wants her is that she’s Albinius’s daughter, not because he actually loves her.) Lucretia listens in as Albinius instructs Ilithya to “remove encumbrance as discussed” so the scheme can be carried out. The men leave. Lucretia asks Ilithya if she’s willing to kill her unborn child; Ilithya says hell yes because it means a more worthy heir. Lucretia is not at all happy to hear this. You remember the hell she went through trying to get preggo. Later, Ilithya’s about to drink some Baby-B-Gone Juice; Lucretia stops her, suggesting that she should wait until after the games because the juice will make her “sicken and bleed” for many days, and if she’s not at the games her absence will be noted. Ilithya agrees to this course of action. (Is Lucretia going to try to convince her to have the baby then let Lucretia keep it?) In the dungeons, Ashur sits chained to the wall, fuming. Lucretia visits, gives him a key to free himself, tells him she’ll talk to Glaber on his behalf. Oh, and could he please sneak into Lucretia’s chambers and replace the juice with water and bitter herbs?


Back at the temple, Sparty and a few peeps are about to head out to try to rescue Oenomaus, Crixus, and Other Guy. YAY! Oh, and then double YAY!: Nasir is up and on his feet. Well, barely, but the kid’s so gung ho, he asks for a sword and says he’s ready to fight. Agron caresses Nasir’s face, tells him to stay and rest, kisses him. (Wait—what? Didn’t see that one coming. But true man-love has been sorely lacking from this show since Barca-Pietros [RIP], so kiss away, boys!) Sparty gives a stirring speech; then the rescue party heads out.

In a whorehouse, Gannicus has some hot sex, then chats and shares some wine with his pretty whore. (See? I like Gannicus. No rude “Now be gone, bitch!” from him.) Eventually, she recognizes him. “You’re Gannicus!” she exclaims, delighted. A tattooed dude nearby overhears and looks angry. Pretty Whore wants to see his sword (That’s what she said.), asks about the markings on it. He says they remind him that he is no longer a slave, has a flashback holding a dying Melita in his arms :(, then leaves to get some rest.

The next morning, Oenomaus, Crixus, and Other Guy are prepped for the arena. Crixus whispers it’ll be a blessing to never have to return to the house of Batiatus; Oenomaus agrees. Wait—he’s over feeling guilty about its fall? Yay! I guess finding out the truth about Melita cured him. Across the yard, Ashur shares a knowing glance with Lucretia; then he is unchained. He sidles up to Glaber and tells him that from his cell he saw Ilithya’s slave sneaking around with something in her hand. WHOA! Lucretia told him to switch the juice with water, not tell Glaber about it! Glaber confronts Ilithya and asks her why she’s trying to off their kid. Ilithya tells him because he’s not worthy of an heir or of her, that her dad is dissolving their marriage, and that she’s returning to Rome with Virinius. Then she coldly tells him that they will present themselves as husband and wife one last time at the games, and leaves. Poor Glaber. And by “Poor Glaber,” I mean THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR ENSLAVING SPARTY, YOU EFFING JERK.

Ilithya and Glaber arrive in the VIP box, and the games begin. As everyone else cheers and laughs, Lucretia notices how preoccupied Glaber looks and asks Ilithya about it. Ilithya explains he found the juice. Lucretia is not happy to hear this. Ashur is so gonna get it! As the first fights of the games are fought, dead bodies are dragged away to a room where slaves chop them up and throw them into a pool of water … from which Sparty et al. emerge and kill the slaves and the soldiers. Agron and Sparty don the soldier’s garb and take their place at the gate; Mira and the others head off to fulfill some other task. Elsewhere, Oenomaus, Crixus, and Other Guy are given dull swords to fight with. Gannicus and crew stand at the gate awaiting entry into the arena; Sparty (who did not know Gannicus) sees the B on his arm, asks him how he could kill his brothers. Gannicus responds, “If they must fall, I would see them to honorable death, given by one who yet holds them to heart.” I agree. If they gotta die, better at Gannicus’s hands than some random tool of Rome.

The gates open; the battle begins. Agron and Sparty join the soldiers positioned around the arena watching the fight. Meanwhile, Mira and peeps are busily splashing black stuff on a support beam when they’re interrupted by passing soldiers. Mira grabs a torch and lights the stuff; the soldiers are incinerated. Oh, it’s tar. In the arena, Gannicus and Oenomaus aren’t fighting, they’re FIGHTING. Gannicus tries to explain he never meant to fall in love with Melita; Oenomaus doesn’t want to hear it. Oh no! Other Guy goes down. Oh no! Crixus gets speared in the leg, then in the side, then goes down; Lucretia looks like she’s about to orgasm. Oh no #3! Gannicus finally brings down Oenomaus.

Agron and Sparty are impatiently waiting. The beam is on fire but not collapsing; Mira and peeps wrap chains around it and pull. A section of the crowded bleachers gives way; the unfortunate spectators fall to a fiery death. Ha ha, well, they came to the arena to see people get killed, right? Just as Gannicus raises his sword and tells Oenomaus he’s about to send him to join his beloved Melita, a burning wall falls on them. Agron, Crixus and Sparty battle it out with the soldiers/other gladiators. People begin to flee as sections of the whole arena start to collapse; I cheer when the VIP box gets rocked and Virinius, Albinius, Seppius, Seppia, Ilithya, and Glaber are trapped. Sparty takes advantage of a lull in fighting to throw a spear at Glaber; he misses but gets that perv who’s raped more than his fair share of slaves. *applauding* Finally, a way out of the VIP box is found; an enraged Albinius grabs Glaber and growls at him that Spartacus has once again made a fool of Glaber and his days in the Senate are numbered and storms off.

Agron, Crixus and Sparty find Gannicus and an unconscious Oenomaus; they, Mira, and the others escape through the underground pool. YAY! Stumbling around in the rubble, Glaber finds Albinius trapped beneath a beam, lifts it off him—then uses it to bash Albinius’s head in. Damn! Glaber catches up with the other VIPs and tells them Sparty killed Albinius. (Bringing the total # of murders Sparty has falsely been accused of committing this episode to two.) Ilithya cries, probably more upset that she has to stay married to Glaber than she is sad about her father. Virinius, realizing that Ilithya is of no use to him now, leaves.

Top Chef, 2/22/12

I’ve been putting this off because there’s only a one in three chance that somebody I don’t hate is going to win. But I guess nothing can be worse than Gretchen winning her season of Project Runway, so let’s do this.

CRAPDAMMIT. Just to rub it in my face that Beverly went home last week, it’s an Asian-themed Quickfire. And of course Sarah says how glad she is that she doesn’t have to compete against Bev. Ok, I won’t be at all happy if Lindsay wins, but I think I might actually punch somebody if Sarah wins. Chefs Floyd Corda, Anita Lo, and Takashi Yagihash enter. Sarah acts as if she’s about to die of joy, which is strange for somebody who’s spent all season bashing Bev and Asian food. She’s paired with Corda, Lindsay with Anita, and Paul with Takashi, whom Sarah wanted because she “respects him immensely” and they’re friends. I wonder if that was still the case after he saw how she treated Bev/Asian food all season. Padma says each team will have 40 minutes to create an Asian-inspired dish; team members must take turns cooking in 10-minute intervals. Winner gets $20k. Hot damn!

- Lindsay/Anita: scallop two ways
- Sarah/Floyd: pan seared cod
- Paul/Takashi: clam sashimi


Emeril pronounces Sarah/Floyd the winner. Afraid that this is a sign of things to come, I seriously just want to turn off the tv and go play Words with Friends. But I forge on. Padma tells the chefs that they have to make one dish and one cocktail for 150 people at a Fire and Ice cocktail party; the dish has to contain both a hot and a cold element. Emeril warns them that doing something simplistic like chili with a scoop of sour cream isn’t gonna cut it. Padma says the winner gets a trip for two to Costa Rica. Hot double damn!

Random: I like Lindsay’s haircut, and I hate Sarah’s, and I want to make out with Paul and feed him ice cream.

They go shopping for ingredients. Sarah buys halibut, and we’re shown a flashback of her yelling at Beverly during Restaurant Wars about overcooking the fish. The next day, Tom visits with the chefs as they cook; he makes me love him to pieces when he asks Lindsay, since it looked like the problem during Restaurant Wars was her instruction and not Bev’s skill, did she pick halibut again to show she could do it right? HA HA HAAAAA, BURN. Sarah, Lindsay, and Paul are wishing this was one of those seasons when previously eliminated contestants come back to help them cook. ME TOO. I miss you, Bev. :(


Paul:
- dish: king crab in lobster broth with lemon snow
- cocktail: kaffir lime juice, palm sugar, palm chilies, rum
Tom likes the dish but is annoyed by the use of arugula as nothing more than a garnish, says the drink is “a little on the sweet side” but goes well with the dish.


Sarah:
- dish: five greens-filled pasta with garlic and chili, spiced sformato
- cocktail: gin, kumquats, and mango
Tom and Gail comment on how the sformato is hard and unmelting, though it has a good flavor. Emeril says she nailed the pasta. Gail loves the citrus-y drink, but she and Tom don’t think it goes well with the dish.


Lindsay:
- dish: halibut with fiery celery root salad, shaved tomato ice
- cocktail: vodka, tomato, horseradish
Emeril says his is really hot, Gail says hers is really fiery, Tom says he didn’t get any heat at all. He says the fish is great but the kale is raw. Gail loves the seasoned ice. Emeril liked the drink with the dish but said by itself it’s very flat.

Ok, can I dare to dream? If the only real complaint about Paul’s dish was his garnish, it sounds like he’s safe and Lindsay and Sarah are in the bottom. *hopeful*


Tom tells Paul the arugula seemed like an afterthought added to the plate only for color. Gail tells Sarah the mousse was so frozen it was hard to eat. Tom says Lindsay’s tomatoes were so great, they outshined the fish.

I can’t stand it anymore, so I fast forward to the end. Sarah is through. DAMMIT. I hold my breath and cross my fingers and pray—YES!!!! Lindsay goes home!!!

TEAM PAUL TEAM PAUL TEAM PAUL!!!!!!!!!!

The Walking Dead: Triggerfinger, 2/19/12

The car lies on its side; Lori’s inside bleeding and unconscious. A zombie is trying desperately to get at her; she comes to to find it shoving its face through a hole in the windshield. Ugh, what a crappy thing to wake up to. In the bar, Glenn, Doc, and Rick stand over dead Dave and Tony. Rick asks the other two if they’re ok. Glenn wheezes out a gaspy “Yes.” Doc takes longer to answer. Because Rick’s asking him something different. Doc was so anti-violent he was keeping zombs alive, but Rick just had to kill two people. So … is he ok with this? After a long pause, Doc nods. Damn right he nods. Dave and Tony had it coming. Plus, Doc ain’t the same guy he was pre-barn massacre. They’re about to head back to the farm when a truck pulls up. Dave and Tony’s three friends, looking for them. Dave and Tony’s three well-armed friends. Uh oh. Rick, Glenn, and Doc hide.

Windshield zomb wriggles an arm through and grabs Lori; she snatches up a screwdriver and spears him through the eye. Nice. She gets out of the car and is instantly attacked by the zomb she hit with the car. She clocks him with a hubcap (Remember, everyone. When you’re gunless, ANYTHING handy can be a weapon.), then gets her gun and blows him away. This is pretty much the most badassful we’ve ever seen Lori be. *applauding* Back at the farmhouse, it’s dinner time. Everyone’s worried that Rick et al. aren’t back from town. They realize Lori’s missing and begin looking for her.

In town, the men search for several minutes. Oh, whaddya know! One of them is black. Then one says, “We’re looking for Dave and Tony; no one checks the damn bar?!??” LOL. The door starts to open; Glenn shoves it closed. I’ll summarize the ensuing convo:
- Men: Who’s in there? We’re just looking for our friends.
- Rick: I sent them to hell. But they made me do it, sorry. No go away.
- Men: Wtf?
- Rick: Really, guys. They made me. You know, a wise man once said—
BAM! The shooting starts.

Carol goes to check with Daryl about Lori. He says Lori asked him to go get Rick et al. but he said no, so she probably went after them herself. Carol reports this to the group; Shane hops in a car (How many cars does Doc have??????) and tears off after her. He finds the wrecked car, no Lori. In the bar, Rick tells Doc to cover Glenn while Glenn makes a run for the car, then bemoans the fact that Doc didn’t participate in any of the gun training. Doc’s all, “I can shoot; I just don’t like to.” Gosh, he’s a closet drinker, a closet gunslinger—why, we hardly know ye, Hershel. Glenn starts to sneak out the back. BAM! The black guy shoots at him; he goes down. (OH MY GOD NO IS HE DEAD DON’T DO THIS TO ME I LOVE GLENN NO NO NOOOOOOO!) BAM! Doc shoots; the black guy goes down, wounded and yelling in pain. Glenn isn’t moving. I feel like I can’t breathe. Rick runs out to check on him; FINALLY we see that Glenn’s ok. WHEW! He just temporarily froze. Rick pep talks him back into action; they start for the car. BAM! One of the guys is on the roof across the way, shooting at them. Just then, the third guy comes speeding up in the truck, yells up to Roof Guy that there are too many zombs about and they have to leave now. “What about Sean?” Roof Guy asks. Truck Guy says Sean got shot; it can’t be helped; we gotta go; jump! Personally, I would have told Truck Guy he darn well can wait seven seconds while I safely climb down, but Roof Guy foolishly decides to go for it. He jumps—and lands with his lower leg impaled on an iron fence post. OUCH. Truck Guy is all, “I gotta go! I’m sorry!” and speeds away.

(Time out. Damn! That was cold. I’m not knocking Truck Guy’s sense of self preservation. But I like to think that I, since at that second there weren’t any zombs around, would have helped my wounded friends in the truck or, if they were beyond helping, at least been kind enough to shoot them in the head, not leave them to be eaten alive. Time back in.)

Zombs fall upon Sean and begin to devour him as he screams. Well, there you have it, people. Definitive proof that no minorities are allowed on this show other than Glenn and Theodore, LOL. (Fingers crossed, though, that that applied only to males, and a tough hot black chick will be introduced for Theodore. Heh heh.) Glenn and Doc want to leave, but Rick wants to save Roof Guy who, it turns out, is just a kid. Glenn, mad cuz he was shooting at them, wants to leave him; Doc says he can’t be saved and proposes "putting him down." Spoken like a true veterinarian, lol. Rick wants Doc to amputate the leg below the knee so they can take him with them. Doc begrudgingly agrees and tries to get started, but there are simply too many zombs approaching too fast. Rick grabs the kid’s impaled leg and tears it off the post. OUCH.

Shane finds Lori walking toward town. He tries to get her to go back to the farm; she refuses. She wants to go get Rick. Shane tells her a whopper and says that Rick et al. made it back safely. Relieved to hear this, Lori gets in the car with him. Though she should have known that wasn’t true because it would have been Rick who came after her. Carol goes to check on Daryl. “I’m not going to let you pull away,” she tells him. And she means it, too. Despite the harsh stuff he screams at her, she simply stands there and lets him rant and rave. She doesn’t even back down when he acts like he’s going to hit her. #1 Because she’s quite used to getting beatings, thanks to her thankfully now-deceased husband, and #2 because she knows Daryl’s not a woman beater; he’s just really, really hurt about Sophia. (Was I the only one who totally wanted them to start making out?) Shane and Lori arrive, and of course she finds out within two seconds that he lied. He says he did it to protect her and the baby. Everyone’s stunned to hear that last bit. “You’re having a baby?” asks an incredulous Carl. Then he’s confused cuz he doesn’t know where babies come from, and looks at Dale. “Don’t look at me; that’s your father’s job,” Dale says. LOL. Then Carl’s excited at the prospect of being a big brother. Then he wants to know if the baby’s a girl can they name her Sophia. (Um, no.) Shane asks to talk to Lori alone, tells her again he had to lie to get her back to the farm. She’s mad cuz he lied about this and still mad that he told her Rick had died. (In Shane’s defense, the chances that Rick had survived were like one in a million billion trillion, so I’m going to give him a pass on that.) She asks him what happened with Otis. He says what happened happened because he loves her and Carl. She says she told Rick that she and Shane were getting it on while they thought he was dead, but it was a mistake. He says it was NOT a mistake, dammit, and it was real.

The next morning, Maggie and Andrea share a tender moment over a still-in-shock Beth; then Andrea, Theodore, Shane, and Daryl start to load up to go into town to look for Rick, Glenn, and Doc. Daryl? I guess Carol’s efforts worked. Dale tries to dissuade Andrea from going because Shane can’t be trusted; she says Shane’s done more to keep the group alive than Rick; Dale begs to differ. Instead of dropping the occasional hint to this person and that person, Dale needs to create a Powerpoint presentation of why Shane is a dastardly and shady character, sit the group down, and make them watch it. Rick et al. return just then. YAY! Lori and Carl run to Rick as Shane watches jealously. Maggie runs to her father—no wait, to Glenn, LOL, and bearhugs him. But he’s distant and pushes her away. There’s a meeting later over whether or not they should have brought the kid, Randall, back with them. Rick says it wouldn’t have been right to leave him, and once his leg has healed they’ll take him back to town and let him rejoin his people. Andrea says he might lead his people back to the farm. Rick says he was blindfolded the whole way and wouldn’t know how to get back. Shane expreses his opposition with customary obnoxious grandstanding and sarcasm; Doc tells Shane he wanted him gone after the barn massacre but Rick talked him out of it, but if Shane’s going to stay, he better stfu. Shane storms off. Carol approaches Daryl; he storms off. Maggie asks Glenn can they talk; you know he’s wishing he were enough of an asshole to just storm off. She asks him what’s wrong. He said that back in town when he was getting shot at, all he could think about was how sad she’d be if he got killed, so he hid to stay alive. She tries to hug him, but he’s all, no, that’s a bad thing because Rick and Doc needed him but all he could think about was himself. And then he walks away. Awwww, poor Glenn. Dude just does not know how to handle love. Sucks that he has to figure it out during the zombie apocalypse. Maybe Rick can give him some pointers.

Doc gives Beth a sedative. Maggie yells at him cuz he was out drinking. “That was the least of my worries,” he says, and I totally LOL, because, um, yeah. Elsewhere, Shane gives Andrea some badly needed advice, telling him he sometimes might want to think about softening his approach. Saying they should stop looking for Sophia, killing the barn zombs, lying to Lori—all the right things to do, it’s just that he went about them in entirely too douchebag a manner. Shane just growls that he should’ve left with her when he had the chance. I wish he’d just go, but I guess he’s not going anywhere now since Lori’s having his baby.

In their tent, Lori tells Rick that Shane thinks the baby’s his, but “No matter what, it’s yours.” I guess that means that it’s Shane’s, but she prefers it to be Rick’s, so she’s just going to pronounce it Rick’s. Which is stupid and unfair, but whatever. Rick says Shane will accept that, but Lori says no he won’t and Rick’s going to have to make him accept it because he won’t listen to her. She tells Rick that Shane killed Otis. And not just to save Carl, either, but because he loves her. She says Shane thinks she and the baby belong to him, that Rick can’t protect them, that Shane is dangerous. The look on Rick’s face is … intense.

Spartacus: Empty Hands, 2/17/12

Armed soldiers move through a foggy forest. Mira, Naevia, and Spartacus et al. lay covered in leaves, hiding in the brush. Suddenly, Naevia screams and takes off running. (I know we all want to be mad at her for that, but after all the beatings, multiple rapes, hard labor, and who knows what else she’s suffered, it’s understandable that she’s a bit out of it.) A soldier runs after her; Mira runs after them; Sparty and the boys attaaaaaaaaack! The soldier catches Naevia and is just about to slaughter her when Mira leaps upon him with catlike agility and stabs him repeatedly in the throat. Nicely done, Mira!

At the house of Batiatus (I’ll never stop calling it that; I don't care who's living there.), Virinius is mad because Glaber’s men weren’t at the games. Glaber, who hates Virinius because he keeps flirting with a loving-the-attention Ilithya, insists they weren’t there simply because he needs them to hunt Sparty. Ilithya eases the tension suggesting a party in Virinius’s honor to make up for the slight. Glaber ain’t happy. And later, neither is Ilithya upon seeing that Seppia stopped by for a visit to see Lucretia. And she’s SUPER unhappy upon finding out that Seppia wants Lucretia to pray to the gods that Virinius will ask Seppia to marry him. (Oh, get over yourself, Ilithya. You’re already married, you’re pregnant, and you’re wealthy [read: a spoiled beeyatch].)

In the forest, Ashur tries to convince a head soldier dude that his men are spread too thin to defeat Sparty and company, but the fool is of the opinion that a bunch of slaves are no match for Roman soldiers. Mind you, he’s saying this as they stand among the dead bodies of the soldiers Sparty and the boys just killed.

Ever the observant one, Lucretia totally doesn’t miss the stricken look on Ilithya’s face when she hears Seppia’s intentions. Seppia leaves; Lucretia asks Ilithya if she’d like her to pray for a different union? But Ilithya, who is having none of Lucretia’s friendliness, spits at her that as soon as the soldiers return w/o Sparty, Lucretia will be revealed as nothing more than an empty vessel who doesn't really talk to the gods. The soldiers return just then with three captives. Glaber’s mad that Sparty is not among them; Lucretia is taken aback to see that Crixus is. (Are we finally going to get to the bottom of that stabbing-Lucretia-in-the-stomach flashback Crixus had?) In the dungeon, Oenomaus and Crixus are reunited; Crixus says yes it sucks to get caught, but at least Naevia is alive and freed from the mines. Cut to: soldiers attacking! Neavia, Sparty, Mira, and Nacir survive, but Nacir is badly wounded.

Back at the crib, Virinius’s party is in full swing, the writhing, humping, barely clad pile of slaves in the middle of the room the focal point of the festivities. Glaber calls for a toast to Virinius; everyone applauds him. Seppia fawns over him. Ilithya is not alone in not being cool with this; Seppius is also clearly displeased with (more like jealous of) his sister’s affection toward Virinius. Gross. Glaber then has Oenomaus, Crixus, and the other two captives brought out in chains, hands Virinius a sword, and invites him to kill them. Virinius showily and grandly and ostentatiously declines (OH THANK GOD!), saying that the captives should instead die in the arena; that would honor the entire city and not just one man.

Out in the forest, the other two gladiator dudes want to kill Nacir because he’s slowing them down; Sparty’s all like, over my dead body. They snatch up swords and it's about to get fighty when Naevia, at last, speaks. She reminds them all that Crixus was once wounded way worse but made a full recovery, and says the wound needs to be cauterized. The other dudes don’t want to risk building a fire. Sparty tells them to go on ahead.

At the party, Lucretia and Crixus keep stealing glares at each other. Meanwhile, Seppius is all like eff the arena; he wants to kill the captives NOW, since they were involved in the death of his cousin Sextus. Virinius offers a compromise: kill one now and send the other three to the arena. Ilithya's dad Albinius says that after all she’s been through, Lucretia should get to pick who dies. Crixus immediately gets an I-am-so-screwed look on his face, but Lucretia picks the guy next to him. She tells him she spared his life only so she can enjoy watching him die in the arena; he tells her he’ll gladly die knowing Naevia is safe. Elsewhere, the slow death of the unfortunate other guy begins with Seppius cutting off his lower lip. I squirm. As parts of him continue to be removed, Ilithya has a hushed conversation with Albinius; she suggests that her marriage to Glaber was a mistake and Virinius would make a much better husband. Albinius says Ilithya’s preggo w Glaber’s kid, and anyway, Virinuis seems to have taken a shining to Seppia, so it’s not happening. Lucretia overhears the whole convo. Glaber sidles up to Seppius, notes that Seppius doesn’t seem too pleased with Virinius’s affection toward Seppia. (Seppius and Ilithya, please learn to hide your emotions a little better.) Seppius says no, but because he really wants Sextus avenged, he’s playing nice to keep Virinius helping in the hunt for Spartacus. Glaber reminds him that Glaber offered to do that … minus the attempts to bang Seppius’s sister. Lol, BURN. Virinius gives Seppia the sword to kill the by-now very mutilated gladiator, but she chickens out; Ilithya happily swoops in to deliver the kill blow. Virinius is terribly impressed. Lucretia and Albinius chat on the balcony; she tells him he seems troubled and should talk to her about what bothers him; he says that sounds nifty. (HA! How pissed will Ilithya be if Lucretia became her stepmother?) Seppia is off somewhere crying over either embarrassment at her inability get violent or jealousy at the two new chicks hanging on Virinius’s arms (or both); Seppius says let’s leave and kisses her, she says ok. GROSS. Ilithya approaches Virinius and just puts it all on the line, tells him she’d much rather be his wife than Glaber’s. He slips his hand between her legs and gives her good feelings while telling her that if she can get Albinius’s approval for a divorce, he’d happily marry her. She’s on cloud nine after this conversation—until she walks in on Lucretia girl-on-topping her dad. HA HAHAHA HA HA HAAAAAAA!

Out in the forest, Sparty bumps into one of the two who went ahead; they find the other hanging from a tree, dead. Ashur and his company of soldiers attack! Ashur and Naevia share a long look. The other dude is killed (by Ashur), but Sparty fights like a man possessed and kills all the other soldiers, badly wounding head soldier dude in the process. Ashur grabs head dude and they flee, but then Ashur kills him because he won’t stop yelling for other soldiers, and Ashur doesn’t want Sparty to find them. Good call, Ashur, because Sparty would gleefully kill you.

Lucretia makes the mistake of telling Ilithya that she (Lucretia) totally remembers everything that transpired between, so Ilithya knocks her to the ground, chokes her, tells her she’s about give her the Likinia Special (bashing girlfriend's head against the floor til she's dead); Lucretia gasps out that Albinius is willing to dissolve Ilithya’s marriage, and that she banged him to seal the deal, to mend the rift between them. A delighted Ilithya totally falls for it, stops choking Lucretia, and kisses her. Beeyotch, PLEASE. You can’t trust Lucretia as far as you can throw her. Scratch that—only half that distance. But I’m loving this, because I hate both of them, and I hope to see them each dead or enslaved when this series ends. Whatever you’ve got planned, do it big, Lucretia! Destroy her! And then may a large rock fall on your head.

Dawn breaks out in the forest. A semiconscious Nacir and an exhausted Mira, Naevia, and Sparty see the mountain they’re traveling to in the distance, half a day’s journey away. But they can hear soldiers approaching. They lay Nacir down and prepare to make a last stand—and are relieved to see the approaching hoard isn’t soldiers, it’s their fellow fugitives. Whew!