Spartacus: Monsters, 3/23/12

Some guy in the forest, Nasir, and Ludo are keeping, like, the worst watch ever. Three Roman soldiers sneak up on/past them into the temple where everyone lies sleeping. Naevia, up getting a glass of water, sees them and sounds the alarm. A battle begins but quickly ends when the “soldiers” remove their masks: it’s just a disguised Gannicus, Crixus, and Sparty. They were testing everyone. Sparty is not at all happy with the FAIL test results and tells everyone to get ready for a long day. He and Oenomaus get busy setting up more rigorous training. Gannicus volunteers to help; Oenomaus is having none of that, thank you very much. Sparty has a talk with Mira, who’s upset that he’s been distant. He tells Mira that he’s sorry but he just can’t love her; his heart is irreparably broken. :( I HATE YOU, GAIUS.

Back at the crib, Gaius, who’s too horny too notice that Seppia’s lost her desire for him, is about to get it on with her when the doors are flung open and a dirty, disheveled Ilithya enters and collapses into a shallow pool of water. When she wakes later, Gaius pumps her for information about where she was held. She tells what little she knows, then realizes she’s in the guest quarters, not their bedchambers. He says she shouldn’t be surprised that he no longer loves her, given how she treated him. I have to agree. I guess nobody bothered to tell Lucretia of Ilithya’s return; Lucretia is shocked and delighted to see her. Ilithya tells her that the unborn child is not Gaius’s; it’s Sparty’s. Wait—what????!!!? I thought Ilithya was just lie-telling to Sparty so he wouldn’t kill her! Aw DAMMIT. This means I have to like Ilithya now, since she’s carrying Sparty Jr. (It’s totally a boy.) and since she’s all like, I totally suddenly love and want my baby. Well, ok, but it’s going to be a grudging, conditional like, not a full-fledged like. Anyhoo, Lucretia assures Ilithya that loving her baby is good, not irrational, no matter who the father. A distraught-looking Seppia wanders past just then; Lucretia tells Ilithya that Seppia knows Gaius killed Seppius, and can’t really do anything about it though she’s itching to. Ilithya’s eyes light up; she says she’ll help Seppia get her vengeance, as that would in turn benefit her and Sparty Jr. Elsewhere, Gauis and Ashur put their heads together and figure out that Sparty et al. are probably staying in the old abandoned temple at the foot of Vesuvius. Shit.

Later, Ashur tells Lucretia that once Sparty is captured, Gauis has agreed to give Ashur the ludus … and Lucretia to wed. She is, of course, horrified. Gauis’s plans to head to Vesuvius are interrupted by Virinius, who has arrived to tell Gaius that the Senate wants him to cease pursuit of Sparty and return to Rome immediately. Gaius asks why word would be sent by a man who covets his wife. Virinius doesn’t look too concerned that Gaius knows about that; he simply says he isn’t the only one coveting Ilithya; there are rumors she’s been kidnapped. Ilithya puts in a quick appearance to prove the rumors false; then leaves. Virinius tells Gaius that he will head to Vesuvius in Gauis's place to capture Sparty, and Gaius best return to Rome or lose any hope of rising in the Senate. As Virinius is leaving, he’s stopped by Seppia; he tells her that her news of Ilithya’s kidnapping (Oh. She’s the blabbermouth.) was no good and that a bracelet is not enough to prove Gaius killed Seppius.

At the old abandoned temple at the foot of Vesuvius, Sparty et al. enjoy some stolen wine; then he encourages anybody who has beef with anybody else to get it out of their systems and settle it now so that when the time comes to fight for real, they’ll have put aside petty differences. After a few prelim matches, he announces Crixus and Agron vs Gannicus and Oenomaus. OH SNAP. Hey, whaddya know, it works: Crixus and Agron shake hands—er, clasp wrists—and Gannicus and Oenomaus actually smile at each other. Yay, camaraderie!

Seppia cries on Lucretia’s shoulder that her advice to tell Virinius what was going on (Lucretia, you sneaky bitch!) didn’t work. Lucretia gives her a knife and tells her that the only thing Seppia can do now is kill her brother’s murderer herself. Lucretia meets with Ilithya to tell her Seppia’s totally gonna kill Gaius. Seppia goes to Gaius as he whines about having to return to Rome. He gets undressed to bathe (Hey, nice body, Gaius.) and tries to put the moves on her. She bashes him upside the head with a wine jar. He falls to the floor, momentarily stunned and defenseless; Seppia raises her knife to kill him—and then Ilithya runs up, grabs it, stabs Seppia in the chest, then slits Seppia’s throat. The blood spurts high; Seppia falls into the water, dead. So, I’m thinking that Lucretia is not going to be happy about this. She wanted Gaius dead so he won’t give her to Ashur. Plus, Ilithya totally played Lucretia, getting her to work Seppia into a frenzy so that Ilithya could play hero. Anyhoo, Gaius tells Ilithya thanks and all, but we can never be how we were. She’s like, fine. So let’s be what we are. Just cuz they don’t love each other doesn’t mean they can’t present a united front and destroy all who stand in their way. Gaius is like, yeah! Eff Virinius; I’M going to Vesuvius. But first, he and Ilithya get it on, which is gross, cuz he's covered in Seppia’s blood.

We cut from that nasty mess to a way more welcome sex sesh: Crixus and Naevia. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Omg, so hot, so passionate. Outside, Sparty and Gannicus chat atop the wall. Suddenly they see the signal. Soldiers are coming! The battle begins. Sparty and Gannicus fight out in the woods; Agron, Oenomaus, Crixus, and the others wage war at the temple. Mira and Naevia are totally like expert archers now. You go, girls! The gladiators win this round; Sparty captures Virinius and marches him back to the temple. But then Glaber attacks from the woods, shooting volley after volley of flaming fireballs into the temple—one of which takes off half of Virinius’s handsome face—to bring down the wall. Then the soldiers attack, along with Ashur and his motley crew. That big Egyptian bests Oenomaus and stabs him through the hand, putting out his eye. OH MY GOD I HATE THAT GUY. Seriously. Ever since he was first introduced, I've hated him. And now he has half-blinded my Oenomaus! May he die a gory death in the season finale. Anyhoo, Gannicus comes to Oenomaus's aid as Sparty orders everyone to fall back into the tunnels. Tar is thrown down and lit so the soldiers can’t follow. Alas, there are more soldiers out in the woods; Sparty orders everyone up the mountain pass.

Gaius tells Ashur that all they have to do now is wait them out; eventually hunger will drive them down from the mountain.

The Walking Dead: Beside the Dying Fire, 3/18/2012

Just in case anyone was wondering, we’re shown how that many zombs got in the woods: they were a random cluster from the city drawn first by the sound of a helicopter, then by Shane’s and Carl’s gunfire. (Wait—a helicopter? So there’s still a military somewhere!)

Glenn and Daryl return to the farmhouse. Daryl reports that Randall got zombed, he was not bitten, and his and Shane’s tracks being together was suspicious. (In other words, Daryl knows Shane killed Randall.) Lori asks him to go back out and try to find Rick and Shane. Glenn stays; Andrea and Daryl head outside—and everyone sees the approaching zomb swarm. Doc tells Tricia to kill the lights. Andrea goes to get the guns. Glenn says maybe they’ll just pass by like the highway herd; maybe they should just wait it out in the house? Daryl says not unless there’s an escape tunnel; that many zombs’ll tear the house down. Lori realizes Carl’s missing.

Rick and Carl dart through the zomb horde, make it to the barn, lock themselves inside. They pour gasoline around. Carl climbs up into the loft. Rick throws open the doors then darts up the ladder; Carl drops a lighter, and there’s a zomb roast. At the farmhouse, everyone’s arming themselves and loading weapons. The plan is to load into the cars and lead the zombs away.
-- Daryl: You serious?
-- Doc: This is my farm. I’ll die here.
-- Daryl: All right. It’s as good a night as any.
LOL. Theodore drives while Andrea shoots from the truck. Maggie drives while Glenn shoots from the SUV. Daryl shoots from his motorcycle, then yells at Jimmy, who’s shooting from the RV, that Rick and Shane must’ve set the barn on fire. Swing around and see if he can see them. In the house, Lori’s running around frantically looking for Carl. Beth observes that the barn is on fire. Tricia says maybe Rick set the fire to draw the zombs. Nice guesswork, Daryl and Tricia. Jimmy pulls up to the barn; Rick and Carl hop onto the RV roof. For reasons I’ll never understand, Jimmy doesn’t drive off, and zombs break in and eat him. :( I guess he didn’t know Rick and Carl were on the roof. Rick and Carl climb down, hear Jimmy’s screams and see his blood on the windshield, realize he’s history, and take off running. (Observation: RV drivers die.)

Doc stands a few feet from the farmhouse, shooting and shooting and shooting. Tricia, Beth, Lori, and Carol yell for him to come with them; he doesn’t budge. They flee. The zombs get Tricia. :( Theodore and Andrea pull up; Lori and Beth hop in the truck; Andrea hops out to go get Carol. Andrea shoots a zomb; it falls on her; Theodore et al. assume she’s dead and Carol’s lost, drive off. Elsewhere, Glenn yells at Maggie that they have to leave; the farm can’t be saved. They go. At the house, Doc is still standing there, shooting. A zomb is about to sneak up on him from behind; Rick and Carl run up; Rick shoots it. Doc says he doesn’t know where Lori is. He doesn’t want to leave, but Rick convinces him, and the three of them hop in Doc’s truck and flee. They just miss Andrea. She grabs the ammo bag and takes off running. Doc gets in a final glance at his brightly burning barn as they drive off. Elsewhere, Daryl hears Carol’s screams and picks her up on his motorcycle just before the zombs get to her.


Holy shit. I’m exhausted.

Dawn breaks. Maggie is freaking out wondering about her family.
Glenn suggests they head for the highway; maybe everyone will be there. (Note: FAIL! People, you always have an in-case-we-get-separated-in-a-zomb-attack rendezvous point.) Maggie says no cuz that’s where the zombs came from. Glenn (wisely) switches with her so that he’s driving; then calms her down by telling her he loves her—AWWWWWWWW!—and it’ll be all right. Doc, Rick, and Carl, thinking like Glenn, pull up on the highway to see if anybody else will show up there. Carl’s mad cuz Rick won’t go back for Lori. Doc tells Rick to take Carl to a safe place; he (Doc) will stay behind and wait for the others to arrive, if they arrive at all. Rick doesn’t want to split up. In the truck, Beth and Lori want to go to the highway to see if their families are there. Theodore refuses to stop. Lori opens her door and threatens to jump out. He relents. Carol/Daryl, Maggie/Glenn, and Lori/Theodore/Beth arrive on the highway together. Joyful reunion time!!!! Rick asks Daryl how he found everyone; Daryl brings the funny, explains that he found Glenn cuz his driving is so bad Daryl figured it had to be an Asian. Glenn and I LOL. Oh Daryl, you endearingly bigoted bastard. There’s a who’s-dead check: Jimmy, Tricia, and Shane are goners; Andrea might’ve survived? But the chances are seriously like nil; plus, there’s no way to find her. The group heads east. The camera pans to … the note they left on a windshield for Sophia back when they were looking for her. :(

Cut to: Andrea running through the woods, gun in her hand, ammo bag over her shoulder, zombs in hot shuffling pursuit.

Rick stops the group; his vehicle’s almost out of gas. He says they should camp for the night and in the morning make a gas/supplies run. Beth says but what if zombs come thru, or a dangerous group like Randall’s, leading Daryl to say he found Randall dead by Shane’s hand and zombed but not bitten, leading Rick to admit what he’s known since the CDC: that everybody’s infected and will automatically zomb upon death. People are mad* that he never said anything. Glenn says he told everybody about the barn zombs; Rick should’ve told everyone they’re infected. Rick says he thought people were better off now knowing. He strides off, angry. Lori approaches and hugs him, says she’s sure he had his reasons. He tells her he killed Shane, that Shane killed Randall to lure Rick into the woods, Rick realized what he was doing but wanted it over because he was tired of Shane coveting her and Carl, Shane came at him and Rick killed him, Shane zombed, and Carl re-killed him. Lori looks like her head’s going to explode. She doubles over. Rick reaches for her; she knocks his hand away and storms off, furious**.

In the woods, an exhausted Andrea has three zombs on her tail. She drops the ammo bag, bashes the first one’s head in with her gun, knifes the second one thru the skull, and is struggling with the third one when out of nowhere, a shiny blade decapitates it. A shocked Andrea looks up to see a hooded female figure*** standing there, sword in hand, leading two armless, jawless zombs by chains. And I'm seriously all like WHOA! Who dat?

The group sits around a campfire. Carol whispers to Daryl that they don’t need to be around Rick and he’s dangerous. Daryl says, “No. Rick’s done all right by me” (HE’S DONE ALL RIGHT BY ALL OF YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS.), and that Rick is a man of honor. Damn right. Maggie tells Glenn that she thinks they should take their chances without Rick. Doc says don’t be foolish; there’s no food, fuel, or ammo. Damn right. They hear a noise in the woods. Everybody’s jumpy; Maggie says they should leave. Rick says nobody should go running off in the dark. Damn right. Carol says “Do something!” Rick says he IS doing something! He’s keeping the group safe! He killed Shane for the good of the group! And his hands are clean, because Shane lured him into the woods to kill him, and everybody knows Shane needed to be killed! (Carl starts crying. You idiots! You’re upsetting the child!) If anyone wants to go, Rick continues, go! But if they stay, this ain’t a democracy anymore. Nobody leaves. Damn right. It’s a Ricktocracy. (Credit: I stole that from The Talking Dead.)

The camera pans away to … a castle? manor? prison! in the woods. Setting for season three? Methinks yes. Best season finale EVAR? Methinks yes.

Discussion:
*I don’t get why everyone’s mad. Just what did Rick do that was so bad? WHO CARES if when you die you automatically zomb? What the hell difference does that make??? And we all remember how straightjacket-required crazy Jenner was; he could have been wrong. As Rick tried to explain to Lori, he didn’t know for sure Jenner was right until he saw Zomb Shane. Plus, after everything Rick has done for the good of the group, how dare they turn on him? HOW DARE THEY?????

** Lori can hop the happy hell off of her high horse. She has no right whatsoever to be upset about Shane. Hell, it might've been her ill-timed apology to Shane that set him off and made him want to kill Rick. And like two episodes ago she was whispering in Rick’s ear that he needs to do something about Shane. Well, he did. AND SHANE WAS GOING TO KILL RICK. So, why’s she mad? Maggie, Lori, and Carol need to take a Xanax or smoke a joint or something and calm the eff down. I’m mad that it’s the women completely losing their cool. I’m going to chalk it up to the stress of the night. Team Rick, Doc, and Daryl. And Theodore, since he didn’t make any anti-Rick statements. And since the black guy didn't die, for once. Yay!

***I haven’t read the comics, so I had to wait til The Talking Dead (I love you, Chris Hardwick.) to find out who that was. Michonne. Fan-favorite character. (Black chick! Yay! Black girl high five!!!) Total bad ass—although that part I figured out from the sword skills and mutilated zomb prisoners, lol. I’m already loving her and wanting to be BFFs. Plus, she saved Andrea. *hug*

The Walking Dead: Better Angels, 3/11/2012

After Rick’s touching eulogy during the funeral (during which Daryl was staring rather fixedly at Carol. Omg, they are so going to get it on.) for Dale, Theodore (I’m still refusing to call him T-Dog, sorry.), Andrea, Daryl, and Shane zoom around Doc’s land in a truck, checking the fences, looking for any more zombs that have wandered onto the property. They come across a small group—Herd? pride? cluster? Oooh, yes. Cluster.—cluster of zombs in a field feeding on a cow and enthusiastically dispatch them with bow and arrow, shovel, hammer, and pitchfork. Hell yes.

Cold weather’s moving in; Rick and peeps are moving into the farmhouse. Thank god it’s so big, as there will be 14 people under one roof. Rick’s instructing everyone on where to go and what to do; Doc’s stocking the basement with a few days’ supply of food and water. (And at some point, I hope they run through a few In Case of Zomb Attack Drills.) Shane’s mad cuz Rick’s not going to kill Randall; Rick tells him to get over it. Later, Carl gives Shane the gun he (Carl) stole from Daryl and confesses that Dale would probably be alive if he (Carl) hadn’t royally botched killing that zomb. “I was gonna do it! Shoot it right in the head,” he insists. Poor kid, the guilt’s really eating at him. Shane tells him that what happened was not his fault (I say again: I’ve always liked Shane for not taking out his frustrations with Rick and Lori on Carl.), and that he needs to keep the gun. Carl says he’s never touching another gun again, give it back to Daryl.

Domestic stuff: Maggie invites Glenn to put his stuff in her room, but he’s entirely uncomfortable with that with her Dad around. Heh. Doc tells Lori she and Carl can have his bed; he’ll sleep on the couch; she’s all, oh no, this is your house; he’s all, but you’re preggo; Theodore’s all, if y’all can’t decide, I’ll take it. LOL. Take the damn bed, Lori.

Lori has a chat with Shane, tells him she’s so sorry for how everything turned out, that she doesn’t even know whose baby she’s carrying, that she’s so grateful that he kept her and Carl safe when Rick was presumed dead, and she’s just so, so, sorry. The look on Shane’s face as she walks away is … hard to read. Daryl and Rick consult a map, discuss where they’re going to drop Randall. Rick thanks Daryl for mercy-killing Dale, then asks him if he’s ok with abandoning instead of killing Randall. Daryl pointedly answers, “I don’t see you and I trading haymakers on the side of the road.” LOL. I had to translate that for the friend I was watching with. A “haymaker” is southern slang for a punch. (Thank you, redneck upbringing.) In other words, Daryl answered, “Dude, yes. We’re not about to beat the shit out of each other over it, the way you and Shane did.” LOL. Daryl leaves; Shane approaches, tells Rick about Carl’s brush with the Dale-killing zomb, suggests he talk to Carl about it. Rick says they can talk after Randall’s been taken care of. Shane volunteers to go with Daryl to drop Randall off. Rick, who knows damn well that’ll end with Daryl unconscious, Randall dead, and Shane telling a whopper of a lie about what happened, passes on that. Shane gives Rick the gun Carl gave him, complains that taking care of Randall is more important to Rick than Rick’s own son, and storms off. When the hell DOESN’T Shane storm off? Really. Have you noticed that? He’s, like, almost incapable of calmly walking away. At the RV, Andrea and Glenn share a touching I-really-miss-Dale moment. *sad* I almost start crying right along with Glenn. At the farmhouse, Rick passes Beth and Jimmy, boarding up the farmhouse windows, on his way to find Carl, sitting with binoculars in the barn, keeping watch. He tells Carl that Dale’s death wasn’t his fault, that people are going to die and Carl has to be able to defend himself, that it’s no-more-kid-stuff time, and Carl needs to take the gun. Carl takes it.


Oh, whaddya know. Shane played Rick like a fiddle. That whole “Randall’s more important to you than Carl” bit was just to get Rick to delay taking Randall away. Shane sneaks into the shed where Randall sits chained and blindfolded. Shane just stares at him for several seconds. You know he’s ITCHING to kill him, but doesn’t want to upset the peace. He wants to do it so badly he actually beats himself in the head a couple of times—which is actually rather disturbing to see. It’s like he’s gone completely nutso.—then makes up his mind to just effing do it. He unchains Randall and leads him into the forest, telling him that he wants to join up with Randall and his people. The second Randall relaxes, lets his guard down, and turns his back, SNAP! Shane breaks his neck. I’m not the least bit upset about Randall, whom I’m convinced was a bad guy, but how the eff is Shane going to explain this? Oh. Shane answers my question by running facefirst into a tree, bloodying his nose. It’s going to be the old “He sneaked up behind me” ploy. So, Theodore finds Randall gone, raises the alarm, bloody Shane comes rushing from the woods and says Randall sneaked up on him and got his gun, Rick orders Shane, Daryl, and Glenn to come with him and everybody else into the house. Rick and Shane go one direction, Daryl and Glenn another. At the farmhouse, Carl’s looking out of a window with his binoculars. He doesn’t have a clear view of much, just some random field. In the woods, Daryl can’t pick up Randall’s trail in the wild goose chase direction which Shane sent them, so he and Glenn circle back around, find the real trail, follow it, find footprints … Shane’s blood on a tree … Randall’s blindfold … and then Zomb Randall. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!! Glenn takes him out with a machete to the skull. “Nice,” Daryl says admiringly. But, wait a minute. If Daryl and Glenn found the kill spot, then where the hell’s Shane taking Rick? OH MY GOD. At this moment it dawns on me: this whole thing was an elaborate ruse for Shane to get Rick alone … because he’s going to kill him. Oh no! Daryl and Glenn examine Randall's body; Daryl doesn’t see any bites, says Randall died from a broken neck. Then … how did he zombify? He and Glenn realize together that it must be automatic. You don’t have to be bitten. You die; you turn into a zomb.

Elsewhere in the forest, Shane and Rick enter a field. The rear of the farmhouse is kinda far away, but clearly visible. Shane drops the looking-for-Randall charade. Rick doesn’t even really look all that surprised. :( Rick says there’s no way anybody will believe whatever lie he tells. Shane says he’ll just say Randall shot Rick; then Shane snapped Randall's neck. It’s totally believable; plus, Lori and Carl got over Rick’s death once; they can do it again. Rick asks why. Shane says because he’s a better father than Rick, and he’s better for Lori than Rick, and he’s a better man than Rick. Rick just lets him yell, then holds his gun out butt first, offers it to Shane. He says nothing has happened, they can walk back to the farm together, and while talking he inches closer and closer to Shane. To hand Shane his gun, right? Nope, to grab a knife and stab Shane through the heart. BOOM! Shane’s gun discharges as Rick knifes him. Rick lowers him to the ground. Shane dies quickly. (Nice knife skills, Rick.) Distraught and crying, Rick just sits there beside the body. The body which, we’re shown, is already beginning the zombification process. GET AWAY FROM IT, RICK.

Suddenly, Carl is there. Oh, they’re in that field he could see in his binocs. (I know, I know. How the hell does he keep sneaking out of the house? Well, clearly, Carl long ago mastered the art of giving Lori the slip.) “Dad?” asks a shaken Carl. Rick gets up and approaches him. Carl pulls out the gun and points it at Rick. Rick, naturally, assumes Carl’s mad that Rick killed Shane, tries to explain. Rick doesn’t see Zomb Shane behind him, getting up and shambling toward them. Carl does what he could not do to the Dale-killing zomb. BOOM! He shoots Zomb Shane right in the forehead. Oh, yay woot cheerio high five way to go atta boy bravo and nicely done, Carl! Good thing Rick made him take that gun. Out in the woods, all the zombs wandering around head toward in the direction of all the noise. Carl and Rick slowly approach Zomb Shane to make sure he’s dead (and, I hope, to get those two guns). They don’t notice the horde of zombs pouring in from the woods at the edge of the field.

Discussion:
- Was Shane’s heart in the right place? Maybe. He truly thought Rick’s alleged weakness was going to get Lori and Carl killed, and that he could better protect them. But YES OF COURSE he was wrong for wanting to kill Rick, so I won’t be shedding any tears for him.
- Wonder at which point Rick decided to kill Shane. When he first realized Shane’s intention was to kill him? Or was it realizing that Shane would never stop believing Rick wasn’t man enough to protect Lori and Carl?
- Sophia, Otis, Dale, Shane—gosh, the numbers sure are dwindling. :( Glenn/Daryl need to get over their hang-ups and have massive amounts of hot sex with Maggie/Carol. Such moments are precious.
- Carl. *wipes tear* The boy has become a man.

Spartacus: Sacramentum, 3/9/2012

It was a dark and stormy night.

On a slaveship, Agron and Lucius give the captain some money to let them take a gander at his stock before auction. They go below; Sparty and a few others sneak aboard and take out the guards. Down in the hold, all the slaves are Agron's people. Luck! He strikes up a conversation in his native tongue with one of the dudes, tells him he’ll soon be free. Unfortch, one of the guards speaks the language too, overhears, and attacks. After a brief battle, which Sparty et al. easily win with the help of the slaves, the captain and guards are killed and the slaves are freed. They are happy to take up the task of killing Romans. Sparty tells Agron it’s fortunate they just happened to be Agron’s peeps. Agron says yes, since now they’ll outnumber the Gauls. Sparty looks worried. Yeah, he should be, because Crixus and Agron’s feud is going to continue being a problem.

In the marketplace, Gannicus (Yay, Gannicus!) tries to collect from the magistrate the fee he was promised for being hired to kill Oenomaus, Crixus, and Other Guy in the arena. The magistrate says since he didn’t actually kill them, he won’t be paid, then relents and gives him a few measly coins, then tells him to take the matter up with Glaber. Who is just a few feet away, yelling about how Sparty killed Albinius, and now Seppius’s slaves killed Seppius then ran off to join Sparty. (Liar, liar, robes on fire.) A wooden cross is brought in. Glaber announces that any slaves heard discussing Sparty will be killed, even slaves of prators. Glaber then orders one of Ilithya’s slaves seized and put on the cross. A shocked Ilithya has no idea what’s going on. Glaber grandly announces that the girl was overheard praising the actions of Seppius’s slaves … by Ilithya herself. The girl looks desperately at Ilithya, hoping she will speak the truth and save her life. YEAH RIGHT. Ilithya follows Lucretia’s whispered advice and is all like, yep, she totally said it. As the poor girl screams in agony as her wrists and ankles are nailed to the cross, Ashur and Gannicus, who both know this is a big bunch of bullshit, lock eyes. Ashur, who is an asshole, grins; Gannicus, who actually has a conscious and a soul, turns and leaves, disgusted. Damn right. Never mind about asking Glaber the Murderous Lying Prick for money. Those few coins’ll have to do.


At the temple, gladiator training is in full swing. And I am only too happy to see Neavia practice-sparring with Crixus. Do it, homegirl! Nasir tells Mira that Naevia is blessed to be loved so deeply. As Sparty loves Mira. But Mira looks troubled; she knows Sparty cares for her, but doesn’t love her like he loved his wife. (Hmmm … is this going to be a problem later? I hope not.) A bandaged Oenomaus (Yay, Oenomaus!) is up and walking around. Sparty and Agron return just then. Nasir and Agron smooch hello. Most are happy to see the new recruits, but Crixus questions whether they’ll follow Sparty or Agron.

At the crib, Ashur is getting dressed after having sex with Lucretia. Yuck. He’s apparently now forcing her to come to him regularly. And making her call him dominus. (You could argue that she’s lucky. After all, she forced her slaves to have sex with man after man after man ad infinitum; however, she has to be repeatedly raped by only one guy.) Ashur tells her he has a gift for her. He digs through a chest full of treasure to find it. Lucretia asks him how he came by all that; he says he took it from dead (read: murdered) people. (Which means Seppius’s bracelet is in there!) I was hoping he’d at least be a slightly less douchebag rapist and give her something valuable? Nope. He’s totally a full douchebag rapist: he gives her a red wig and tells her since her dead husband liked to see her wear red wigs, she will now wear it for Ashur. Oh well, she deserves it. (SHE DOES! Don’t you feel sorry for Lucretia. She made her slaves have sex with Quintus, Crixus have sex with her, Melita have sex with Gannicus, Neavia have sex with Ashur, Naevia’s friend have sex with so many dudes the poor girl lost her effing mind, Sparty have sex with Ilithya, Mira have sex with Sparty, ect, ect, ECT. Don’t you dare feel sorry for Lucretia!!! Ashur’s an asshole, yes, but he’s merely the instrument of her comeuppance.) Seppius’s men arrive, Glaber has them swear allegiance to him. He asks Seppia to stay in Capua with him, she agrees and kisses his cheek, they walk off arm in arm. Ilithya tells (redheaded) Lucretia that if this is all life has to hold, she’d rather be dead. How quickly she has forgotten that merely days ago, she was the one shamelessly flirting with someone else as her spouse could do nothing but jealously watch.

Sparty confronts Agron about the influx of his peeps. Agron admits that there were two other slaveships, but one was from Damascus, and everybody knows Damascans are of low quality (Oh, like totally.), and the other was filled with Gauls, and he’ll be a monkey’s uncle if he brought a bunch of Gauls back. Sparty says Agron should have told him that, and Crixus is a Gaul but also a very honorable man. Sparty says he’ll take the newcomers hunting in the morning to replenish the supply of meat they’ve depleted (and probably to test their skills, I would think), and could Agron please tell the bilingual ones to speak English? Agron promises him that his peeps will prove their worth.

At his favorite whorehouse, a glum Gannicus sits sipping wine. Pretty Whore approaches and asks about Sparty; he hushes her lest she get herself crucified. She says she’s not the only one talking about Sparty. Gannicus turns the conversation to lighter subjects, like how he’d like to have a go with her but is too low on funds. Pretty Whore takes the words right out of my mouth and says he can get it for free. (Hell, I'd pay HIM.) I’m all prepped and ready for yet another fabulous Gannicus sex scene—alas, Ashur enters then and shoos Pretty Whore away (Dammit.) because Glaber wants a chat with Gannicus. Back at the crib, Glaber says he’s surprised Gannicus hadn’t yet stopped by. Gannicus says nothing but a laconic “Apologies.” Allow me to give you the long version: “You’re a murdering, duplicitous piece of shit, Glaber, and I want nothing to do with the likes of you, and I sure as hell did not want to return to the house where I was once a slave, and see Lucretia, who forced me to screw my best friend’s wife. Plus, I hate Romans. But here I am to keep the peace. Apologies to my many brethren who fell here.” That’s what Gannicus meant, see. Glaber gives Gannicus his rudus, the proof of his freedom, that he lost in the arena, tells him that he’d like Gannicus to join with Glaber’s men and he’ll give him a few days to think about it. Gannicus leaves; Glaber tells Ashur to have him followed and if he tries to leave, have him crucified. (I’m not worried. Gannicus is no dummy.)

Lucretia goes to see Ilithya, tells her that they must do something drastic to get to Glaber. She pulls out a knife, slits her wrist, tells Ilithya to lift her dress. A soldier reports to Glaber about a slaveship found emptied of slaves and with its crew dead; Glaber sends men to see if anyone saw where the slaves headed. Then a “bloody” Ilithya stumbles in and falls to the floor, and a “surprised” Lucretia (with a beautifully bandaged wrist) rushes to her side and says it’s a sign from the gods that Glaber’s heir will not survive if it remains in a cursed city. Glaber says he’ll have her rushed back to Rome as soon as she’s able, and Lucretia must accompany her. But Ashur, who is not about to lose his rape victim, reminds Glaber what a symbol of hope Lucretia is to the city. Glaber agrees and says Lucretia should stay. Not that I feel sorry for Lucretia!!!!, but girl, just kill Ashur and say he tried to get you to leave with him to go join Sparty. You’re a devious bitch. So be devious, bitch.


At the temple, Sparty asks Oenomaus to put his Doctore hat back on and train the slaves, Oenomaus agrees. Sparty stands to leave, says he’ll help soon as they all get back from hunting. Crixus and Lucius rush up just then to tell them that Agron and peeps are all gone. I’m not worried. First, Agron is a totally upstanding kind of guy. Second, Nasir isn’t gone, right? Then Agron’ll be right back. Because Agron + Nasir totally = love. Oh, see, I was right. Fresh from a hunt, they come back laden with fresh meat … and wine bags. Sparty and Crixus are mad that they attacked a wagon, as such an action may betray their location. Agron says let the Romans come, Sparty says they’re not yet ready for a direct attack, Crixus says a child could see that. Agron spits the usual Gaul insult at him, then apologizes to Sparty for leaving without him.

In the marketplace, Lucretia is busy blessing the people when she spies Gannicus walking along in the distance. He stops to look at all the slaves who have been crucified—and realizes that one of them is Pretty Whore. :( Lucretia approaches, asks if he knew her, points out Ashur’s man following him (Why the hell did you pick Tattooed Face Guy for this, Ashur? It’s not like he can blend in well.), and warns Gannicus that if he tries to leave he will be killed. He asks does she want him to turn on his brothers? She says no, she wants him to kill Glaber. Oooooh! She tells him that half of Glaber’s personal guard is leaving tonight to see Ilithya safely to Rome; she can distract the rest. Kill Glaber, Lucretia says, or see many more die. Like Pretty Whore. :( Later, at the crib, as Ilithya’s carriage is made ready, Lucretia whispers to her that Gannicus is going to kill Glaber that very night, and as soon as he does, she’s going to sound the alarm and have Gannicus caught and killed. Pleased to hear this, Ilithya kisses Glaber goodbye, smiles gratefully at Lucretia, and gets in the carriage. Watching from the balcony, Seppia smiles as she sees Ilithya leave.

At the temple, the newcomers are engaged in revelry: wrestling, vigorous sex, singing, drinking. Nasir and Agron (Told you!) sit laughing together. Crixus is scowling; Naevia tells him to quit being a party pooper. Sparty’s scowling too; Mira tells him sometimes lighthearted fun is just what people need. Hell, even Oenomaus is enjoying himself. Sparty acquiesces and joins the little short muscular one for a drink. Then, uh oh. One of the news tries to rape Naevia. She grabs a knife and stabs him in the side. YAY! Unfortch, dude is like 8 feet tall and the knife is seriously like one damn inch; he plucks it out as if it’s a splinter, knocks her to the ground, and advances on her. Agron interrupts (Told you he was an upstanding guy!); the big guy starts beating him up. Crixus, assuming they’re just horsing around, laughs to see them fighting—until a bloodied Naevia tells him what happened. He tackles Big and starts choking him. Then the little short muscular one tackles Crixus. Then Nasir and his crew rush to Agron’s defense, and suddenly it’s an all-out news vs. olds brawl. Even Mira’s getting fighty, with a blonde chick. (For the record, I seriously effing love Mira.) Sparty and Oenomaus try to calm things down but get sucked into the battle. Big grabs a sword and is about to send Agron to the afterlife; Sparty whips out his sword, blocks the blow, then SLICES OFF BIG’S FACE. (Ooooooooh, 500 bad ass points!) The fighting stops as Big's body crashes to the ground. A furious Sparty yells at the new peeps. This is how they repay him for their freedom? If they can’t stand with him as brother, they need to gtfo. Agron yells that he stands with Sparty. Pause, as everyone waits to see what the news are going to do. Then the little short muscular one grabs a sword and shield and says in broken English that it took a great warrior to kill Big, and he stands with Sparty. The others are in agreement.

That night, Lucretia goes to Glaber’s chambers and whispers something to the guard outside, who leaves. Someone approaches a sleeping Glaber—oh, crap. It’s just Seppia. They’re having some intense sex when the guard returns to tell him there’s a pressing matter. Out on the road, Ilithya’s carriage sits bloody and still, mutilated and murdered soldiers all around it. Glaber opens the carriage, expecting to find dead Lucretia; instead he finds dead Tattooed Face Guy, with Gannicus’s rudus sticking out of his throat. Sooooo … Gannicus attacked the carriage instead of the house. Good call, as it saved his life. But why even bother? After killing Tattooed Face Guy, he was free to leave. And why kidnap Ilithya? That'll just piss Glaber off. (Fyi: Ilithya is so not dead. Gannicus is not a killer of pregnant women.)