Top Chef, 12/21/11

Product placement duty fell to Cute Chris this week; he makes the obligatory TOYOTA TOYOTA TOYOTA Siennas mention; then everybody hits the road headed for Austin. Padma and Tom inform the chefs that for this Quickfire, Twitter fans will decide what they must do. Oooooh, fun! I want some really crazy suggestions. Crazy — not gross. Please no “Everybody’s gotta cook monkey brains, like that scene in Indiana Jones!” Grayson’s hoping for no cupcakes; Sarah, for no baby food. Winner gets $10k but no immunity. The first tweet instructs everyone to make a bacon dish. (Vegetarian racism.) The second, to make hash a component of the dish. The third, to pick a pantry ingredient and give it to another chef to use. I’d be looking for something I’d never heard of and couldn’t pronounce, but they’re going easy on each other with items such as sriracha, maple syrup, limes, and scallions.

In the bottom are Grayson’s shrimp puff with crispy bacon hash cake — the puff was wet and heavy; Ponytail Chris’s corn puree, bacon and butter-poached potato hash, seared scallop — too salty; and Ed’s soft shell crabs, braised bacon and mustard, spread, potato and cocoa nib hash — he burned the hash. (Plus, potatoes + chocolate = effing GROSS). In the top are Beverly’s (and of course Heather looks mad about this) crispy pork belly with corn, habanero, and potato hash; Sarah’s burrata-stuffed squash blossom with bacon and zucchini hash (Time out. Burrata: Italian cheese made of mozzarella and cream. Time back in.); and Paul’s bacon fat, crispy bacon, clams, asparagus, and blackberries with chorizo and mushroom hash. And the winner is … Paul. Who’s super-stoked, cuz he hails from Austin. And who’s up to $30k in winnings, lucky bastard.

(When I first started watching Top Chef and similar shows, I used to feel sad about all the food that got wasted. Then I realized that the producers, camera guys, set directors, janitors, groundskeepers, personal assistants, lesser assistants, assistants’ friends, lighting crew, makeup peeps, etc., etc., probably cannot WAIT for each segment to wrap so they can chow the hell down on all the non-perfect food that didn’t make the cut. Eat up, people!!!)

After the Quickfire, the chefs relax in the hotel bar ... and are entertained by none other than cookbook author and singer extraordinaire, the awesome and amazing Patti LaBelle. WTF no fair I’m stupid jealous!!! She’ll be the guest judge. Padma informs the chefs that they must cook a meal for Ms. LaBelle (I can’t call her anything else) and friends that pays homage to the person who taught the chefs how to cook. Grayson thinks of her dad; Heather and Beverly, their moms; Cute Chris, an uncle; Ty, his Japanese nanny; and Sarah, Ponytail Chris, Paul, Lindsay, and Edward, their grandparents. Since they couldn’t afford meat, Edward’s grandma would cook a lot of meatless meals, so he’s doing a vegetarian dish. YAY!

- Heather: beef stroganoff with herb spaetzle and roasted wild mushrooms
- Ponytail Chris: lemon pepper NY strip steak with asparagus, carrots, mushroom, and fingerling potatoes with sour cream and bacon
- Paul: quail adobo with ginger rice green mango salsa
- Sarah: stuffed cabbage with pork sausage, spinach, and brown butter
- Beverly: braised short rib with edamame-scallion puree and mushrooms
- Cute Chris: salmon with confit potato and brown sugar-carrot-curry puree
- Lindsay: trout spanakopita with leeks and trout roe
- Ed: a take on bibimap: mushrooms, pickled carrots, pickled cucumbers, sautéed zucchini, fried egg, rice patty, with lemon chili sauce and nori
- Grayson: ribeye with grilled veggies and German potato salad
- Ty: buttermilk-battered chicken tenders fried in duck fat over pickled peaches

(Tom, in response to Patti LaBelle’s dinner invitation: “I’ll be there with bells on.” Ms. LaBelle: “With LA-bells on. Heeeeeeeeeeey!” ROFL.)

Grayson, Cute Chris, and Heather are in the bottom. Tom says there’s too much going on in Cute Chris’s dish and the salmon was cooked improperly; Emeril says there was too much dill; Padma says it was unappetizing. Grayson’s meat was "tough" and “stringy” and “gristle-y” and “sinewy.” Padma says Heather’s dumplings were dry, chewy, and overcooked; Emeril says he can’t recognize the cut of meat in her stroganoff; Ms. LaBelle says it was “bigfoot.” (Burn!!!) Heather says she should’ve used the pressure cooker but didn’t because it messed her duck up last time; Tom says, “Well, Beverly used the pressure cooker, and she’s not [in the bottom].” HA HA HA HAAAA! That was intentional. Tom specifically mentions the chef that Heather spent all last episode insulting. I effing love Tom.

Beverly, Sarah, and Ed are in the top. YAY Beverly and YAY Ed’s vegetarian dish!!!! All three dishes get glowing praise. And the winner, announces Ms. LaBelle, is … Sarah. Aw darn. Oh well. Good job, guys!

So clearly, the bottom two are Grayson and Heather. And ... Heather is sent home. If you ask me, she so rubbed the judges wrong way last week that they were quite ready for her to GTFO. Good, cuz so was I. Thank you for being an obnoxious racist bullying bitch, Heather!

In Last Chance Kitchen, it was Heather vs Nyesha. NYESHA WON. *does dance of joy*