Top Chef, 11/30/11

“So we get in our Toyota Siennas, heading to Dallas.” In case you missed that product placement, TOYOTA SIENNAS, TOYOTA SIENNAS, TOYOTA SIENNAS. (You’re welcome, Toyota. That’ll be $3,447.) On the road, we learn Cute Chris used to be a chubster (Former fattie high five.), Edward and his wife just had their first anniversary (Awww.), and Ty-lör has a boyfriend (and I HAVE THE WORLD’S WORST GAYDAR). Padma and guest chef New Orleans’ own John Besh (Love him!) interrupt the road trip for a side-of-the-road Quickfire. The contestants have 30 minutes to cook a meal using ingredients from survival kits full of packaged, canned, and dry foods; winner gets $5k and immunity.

Whitney and Lindsay are all blah blahblah blah these ingredients are so beneath me. Blah blah I would never cook with this. Which — DUH — is kind of the point. Time’s up! In my opinion, Edward pretty much blew everybody else’s cafeteria food creations outta the water with his Thai peanut soup, fried hominy, and nori-wrapped fried crab-and-artichoke cake. Did somebody slip him a gourmet basket instead of a survival kit? Cute Chris made me mad serving a dish with raw, underseasoned tofu. I hate tofu abuse. Winner: This-Is-Beneath-Me Lindsay, with her soup and sandwich: triple decker club of crackers with a tuna-sardine filling and French onion soup with Vienna sausage.

For the elimination challenge, the chefs have to cook the appetizers, entrees, and desserts for a progressive dinner party in some swanky Dallas neighborhood. Dakota’s mad cuz she once again is stuck making dessert, and after her colossal fail of a birthday cake in the quinceanera challenge, I can kind of see why. Hey, I like the wife at the entrée house. She reminded me of me: doesn’t like bell pepper and is not a fan of over-the-top adventurous foods. So no slimy octopus or lamb’s balls, guys. Ok, the wife at the entrée house reminds me of me, too. She hates spicy food and doesn’t eat meat. (Vegetarian high five.) Omg, ha! The dessert wife is like me, too! She’s suuuuuper tall. Seriously. She totally towers above everybody in the kitchen — including her husband. (Two-handed fellow giantess high five, and a chest bump!!!)

God, I am soooooooooo sick of having to hear a chef or two or three every season say they can’t make desserts. THIS IS SEASON NINE. If you haven’t figured out by now that you need to know how to make a dessert to compete on this show, you’re a moron.


Appetizers:
- Ponytail Chris – roast chicken with bread wrapped in braised collard greens
- Sarah – grilled artichokes with date puree
- Lindsay – roasted-and-raw beet salad with charred chickpeas and Greek vinaigrette (Gross.)
- Whitney – seared sea scallop over sweet corn with zucchini succotash
- Paul – fried Brussels sprouts with grilled prosciutto and crème fraiche (Omg. Must try frying Brussels sprouts asap.)

Entrees:
- Heather – garlic and rosemary grilled lambchops with garbanzo beans and mint chimichurri
- Chuy – sockeye salmon filets stuffed with goat cheese cream topped with avocado-cherry tomato relish
- Beverly – pan-seared scallops over polenta (Polenta gives my mouth orgasms.)
- Ty-lör – spice-rubbed grilled pork tenderloin over summer slaw topped with avocado-guacamole salsa and pineapple (Savory + sweet = YUCK.)
- Nyesha – roasted filet of beef with vegetable mélange and red wine sauce

WTF! WHY DID NOBODY MAKE A MEATLESS ENTRÉE FOR THE WIFE??? VEGETARIAN RACISM!!!


Desserts:
- Dakota – banana-Reese’s peanut butter cup bread pudding, banana-date milkshake in edible cups, banana mouuse
- Cute Chris – strawberry cupcake filled with chocolate frosting and banana cream, mint-chocolate chip ice cream
- Edward – panna cotta, cantaloupe consommé, raspberries stuffed with basil pudding
- Grayson – chocolate sponge cake, caramelized bananas, semifreddo

In the top are Sarah, Grayson, Paul, and Dakota. (Sarah actually says “Oh no” when Padma calls her name. Have a little more confidence, Sarah.) Dakota’s delicious bread pudding totally redeemed her after the birthday cake disaster, but Paul wins. Yay, yummy Brussels sprouts! Both of the Chrises, Ty, and Chuy are in the bottom. Cute Chris had too much on the plate. Gail mentioned the pineapple in Ty’s dish specifically. See? Savory + sweet = evil!!!! Chuy’s salmon was not cooked well. Ponytail Chris’s collard green cigar didn’t work at all. And … Chuy goes home. :( Shoulda gone meatless, Chuy.