Movie Review: The Grey, 1/27/12

The Grey: gritty, unflinching, merciless. And really, really good. 1993’s Alive and 1997’s The Edge (Haven’t seen them? Watch them. Today.) were hardcore survival movies, to be sure, but The Grey takes it a sobering step further.


If you’ve seen the previews, you know the plot: a plane carrying some oil company workers crashes in frozen Alaskan wastelands, leaving a small group of survivors to battle not only the elements but also a pack of THE SCARIEST WOLVES EVER FEATURED IN FILM (not counting werewolves, of course). They’re big, savage, fearless, and fast. You know they’re like totally CG, but that makes them not one whit less terrifying.


The expertly cast Liam Neeson plays John Ottway, who right away becomes the de facto leader of our not-so-merry band. He calms a dying survivor; he keeps an unscrupulous jackass from robbing a dead guy. (Amazing how said jackass could think of looting at a time when the dangers of below-freezing temps and huge hellbeast wolves should be foremost on his mind.) As the weary men travel along, the movie moves at a slow pace—except for the sudden blitz wolf attacks, that is (I about jumped out of my skin like three times.)—but keeps your attention with funny bits of conversation, harrowing action, and breathtakingly beautiful scenery. And because you’re always wondering who’ll die next. (Note: the black guy dies. I DIDN’T RUIN THAT FOR YOU. The black guy ALWAYS dies.)


Neeson is really carving a niche for himself playing the accidental hero (See: The Grey, Taken, Schindler’s List.); this is my fave of these performances so far. Ottway is a good leader but also a very, very troubled man with a broken heart. The scene when Ottway, at his very wits’ end, screams at God to show him a sign is pretty poignant.


My only complaints are superficial: the wolves look a bit fake at times, and the guys get some pretty bad injuries then are ok like two minutes later. Although I guess you could argue that there’s no way real animals could have worked and that not being dinner for a huge hellbeast wolf would motivate even a mortally wounded person to find his second wind.

STAY AFTER THE CREDITS! I refuse to read anything about a movie before I see it, so I didn’t know to do this, so I had to search high and low to find what I’d missed—and I liked the movie even more after seeing it. (Bless you, Internets.)

Top Chef, 1/25/12

Final six!

Oh sweet, Cat Cora’s the guest judge. I heart her. Padma divides the chefs into three teams of two. In a Quickfire designed to test speed, the chefs are given 40 minutes to peel, devein, and butterfly two pounds of shrimp; shuck a crate of corn; make a pound of fettuccine from scratch; then use those ingredients to make a dish. No immunity from here on out, but the winning team gets to split $10k. According to history, that means Paul, who’s already won $35k (Yes I keep bringing that up! I’m jealous, ok?!?!!!) in various challenges, is probably going to win.
- Grayson and Chris: fettuccine with toasted corn, oil poached shrimp, bacon, rosemary
- Lindsay Sarah: fettuccine with corn milk, shrimp, tarragon, parsley
- Paul and Edward: DISQUALIFIED!
Well, never mind about Paul winning; he left the shrimp off his and Ed’s plates. The other chefs are quite pleased. Can you blame them? And the winners are … Grayson and Ponytail Chris! YAY! I heart Grayson, and I cannot stand Lindsay or Sarah. Proving why, Sarah’s all like, we would’ve won, but Cat Cora doesn’t like tarragon. Oh, of course. Because it certainly couldn’t be that the other team made a better dish than you, right? (And Cat didn’t say she didn’t like tarragon; she just said she wouldn’t have used it.)

For the elimination, the chefs must cook against the teammate they were just paired with; each person will cook a version of the same dish for 200 people at a block party, and the partygoers will vote for which version they like better. Grayson and Chris decide to make a chicken salad sandwich with a watermelon salad; Lindsay and Sarah, meatballs and a veggie salad; and Paul and Edward, Asian bbq with pickled veggies. Then Padma announces they must make healthy versions of these dishes. Winner gets $15k. (Paul’s bank account: “We so got this.”)

Block party! Ponytail Chris’s station is being swarmed by bees; he’s allergic. Grayson is making her sandwiches to order and is getting really backed up. Sarah’s worried cuz nobody’s voting for her meatball. Folks keep getting two slices of Ed’s bread instead of one. Paul’s got that kerchief tied around his head again! He’s sooooooo cute to me when he does that. Dana Cowin of Food & Wine magazine is making the tasting rounds with the judges, intimidating the hell out of everyone.


- Paul: turkey kalbi in lettuce wraps, eggplant, white peach kimchi
- Edward: shortrib kalbi on a steamed bun kimchi chipotle puree topped with and radish sprouts; pickled cucumber, carrots, fennel, and daikon
Paul’s dish is a hit; Emeril calls it brilliant. Cat says Ed’s beef is chewy; Tom says there’s too much bun-to-meat; Padma says her bread was hard and dry.


- Grayson: chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat bun with arugula, pickled onion, and olive oil mayo; watermelon salad with feta cheese, watercress, and pumpkin seeds
- Ponytail Chris: chicken salad sandwich with red lettuce and tofu “mayo”; watermelon salad with pineapple ice
Dana says Grayson’s chicken salad lacked flavor; Cat says the watermelon salad needed some lime or something. Tom likes the curry in Ponytail Chris’s sandwich but complains that the bread is drying out. Padma preferred his watermelon salad. Agreeeeeeeeeeeed. To me, cheese + watermelon sounds gag-me gross, but a pineapple slushee + watermelon? YUM TIME. Dana wants to put it in a blender with some vodka. (Yuck.)


- Sarah: calabrese style meatballs made with whole wheat bread and turkey; tomato sauce; salad of zucchini, fennel, baby squash, arugula
- Lindsay: Greek meatball made with lean veal, lamb, and yogurt; salad of quinoa and black eyed peas with vinaigrette
Emeril loves Sarah’s meatball and the sauce. Tom says the salad had a ton of flavor; Dana begs to differ and says all she got was zucchini and arugula. Apparently Sarah’s salad-tossing skills are subpar. Tom says Lindsay’s meatball had a ton of flavor; this time, Dana agrees.

Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay are the top three. Grayson kind of makes me want to declare her my bff with this exchange:
Tom: “You have to win this against other dishes that are potentially much more exciting.”
Grayson: “What, like a meatball?”
EPIC ROFL. (And Cat totally laughed, too.) Grayson is so right. First of all, everybody picked easy, simple fare for this challenge. As well they should have. It’s a block party, not a banquet. Secondly, the meatball was the simplest of those three dishes, if you ask me. Anyhoo, Paul’s dish was the fave. (Paul’s bank account: “Duh!”) He has now won FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. Hey Paul, I'm single.

Sarah, Edward, and Ponytail Chris are in the bottom. Oh please oh please oh please OH PLEASE let Sarah go home. Darn -- Ponytail Chris goes home. So in Last Chance Kitchen, it’s Ponytail Chris vs Beverly. Beverly wins! Bye bye, top knot.

Top Chef, 1/18/12

Sarah tells us that Lindsay should have won the Restaurant Wars challenge, not Beverly. Why? Because Lindsay and Sarah got into an expletive-filled shouting match; Lindsay let the orders get so backed up that Grayson had to start throwing out desserts; Lindsay bit a waitresses’ head off for almost bumping into her; Lindsay was constantly yelling and cursing at Sarah, Grayson, and Bev; and Lindsay snapped at Beverly for committing the atrociously horrific crime of “plating with a f*cking plastic spoon” (THE HORROR!)???? Sarah, please stfu.

The chefs leave Austin and head back to San Antonio. The next morning, Padma and ze very French Eric Ripert explain a Quickfire challenge that is all about quick thinking. The chefs must select three ingredients off a fast-moving conveyor belt. The best selections will come out last, but the chefs will have less time to cook them. Winner gets immunity. Time starts. Instead of waiting, Paul does what I would have done and just grabs three ingredients and starts cooking. Ew, except I wouldn’t have chosen bitter melon. Ponytail Chris twice misses out on desperately-wanted lobster, then barely manages to grab it its third time around. Lindsay waits and waits and is rewarded with grouper. Running low on time, she decides to make bouillabaisse. For ze very French Eric Ripert? Linday’s got le brass balls.


- Edward (macadamia nuts, sauerkraut, black truffle): sauerkraut soup, shrimp cooked in brown butter, shaved truffle
- Ponytail Chris (lobster, vanilla, foie gras): butter poached lobster with foie gras and cauliflower cooked in milk and vanilla
- Grayson (goldfish, grapefish, dover sole): brunoised grapefruit and goldfish crumble with rosemary atop dover sole
- Paul (wonder bread, bitter melon, saffron): mussels in a broth of ginger bitter and melon
- Sarah (artichokes, cottage cheese, saltines): fried cracker-encrusted soft shell crab, tarragon cottage cheese sauce, shaved artichoke salad
- Lindsay (grouper, clam, Pernod): bouillabaisse in tomato-Pernod broth
- Beverly (tofu, Rice Krispies, black-eyed peas): sockeye salmon in an orange spice reduction, saffron-tofu sauce, black-eye peas sautéed in ginger and garlic
Alas, Bev ran out of time and didn’t incorporate the Rice Krispies. Edward says she shoulda just thrown them into the air in an effort to get some onto the plate, lol.

Eric says the ingredients in Ponytail Chris’s dish didn’t really complement each other. (Which is the exact same criticism his dessert got last episode. Stop doing that, Ponytail Christ. Oh — HA HA! I just typed “Ponytail Christ.” Yeah right. Jesus would never wear His hair in a top knot.) Grayson and Paul are also in the bottom; Eric says her goldfish were overwhelming and his bitter melon was overpowering. Sarah, Lindsay, and Beverly are in the top. Padma tells Beverly she would have won “by a mile” if not for the missing ingredient. Again: suck on that, Sarah and Lindsay. I love how the chef they keep treating like a complete imbecile keeps beating them. So Lindsay wins the immunity that should’ve been Beverly’s.

For the elimination challenge, Padma informs the chefs they must make a meal fit for a queen. “The queen of England? Queen Latifah?” Ponytail Chris wonders. Nope, it’s Charlize Theron, who’s playing the evil queen in the upcoming movie (that I’m so looking forward to seeing) Snow White and the Huntsmen. Charlize enters, and there’s the requisite I’ve-never-been-in-the-presence-of-a-celebrity squealing, jaw dropping, eye widening, gasping, and omg-ing. I think Sarah has an orgasm. The chefs are instructed to prepare “a gothic feast”; each dish must by “wickedly beautiful.” Charlize wants to see “indulgence and risk-taking” and advises them to “take out their competition.” SHE DOESN’T MEANT THAT LITERALLY, SARAH. Lindsay is cooking short ribs, which are what Bev cooked and won with last episode. Probably to show she can cook them better. Paul, who looks way hot with that kerchief tied around his head, notes that Beverly is cooking halibut, which Lindsay accused her of ruining last episode. Probably to show she does know how to cook it. There is some mad strategery going on.


- Edward: soy and black garlic ponzu pudding, Asian pear and ginger sauce, tuna tartare, fried fish scales
- Paul: foie gras, bacon, strawberries, pickled cherries, Serrano peppers, pumpernickel, beets
- Beverly: seared halibut, black rice, red curry coulis, coconut, pineapple
- Lindsay: seared scallop over witch’s stew of braised short rib and dragon beans
- Sarah: amarone risotto with lamb heart, currant, pear, sunchoke, thyme
- Grayson: black chicken with roasted pickled beets, greens, red chard, foie gras, quail egg
- Ponytail Chris: poisoned apple and cherry pie with granola, puffed Rice Krispies, basil, and apple powder
Every single dish is a winner. (That is soooooooooooooo rare. Even in the finale, there’s at least one dish that falls flat.) Each course gets high praise and groans and moans of pleasure. Ze very French Eric Ripert says it’s the best meal he’s ever had on Top Chef. Wow. The judges say it’s going to come down to “small things” and “little glitches.” What, like “I’m sorry chef, but we didn’t like the shape of your plates”?

All seven are called to judges’ table, and all seven get a glowing review. Then Charlize declares Paul the winner. He gets two tickets to the world premiere of Snow White and the Huntsmen. I guess since he’s already won $35k, they’re well sick of giving him prize money. Sarah, Grayson, and Beverly are in the bottom. Tom acknowledges that they’re nitpicking, but here goes: Sarah’s risotto was a hair undercooked; Beverly’s sauce was sticky (She starts crying. KNOCK IT OFF.); Grayson’s greens (Yay alliteration!) were a little salty, her foie gras wasn’t incorporated well, and maybe she should have parboiled the egg.

And the person going home is … Beverly. BEVERLY? :( If only she'd won immunity! But I guess the judges are as annoyed by crying as I am. Aw darn it, that means Bev vs Nyesha in Last Chance Kitchen. But I like them both! Beverly wins. Yaaaay! Moment of silence for Nyesha. :(

Top Chef, 1/11/12

Handsome Hugh and Padma announce that it’s Restaurant Wars, bitches!!!!!!!!!!! (I added the “bitches.”) The past few seasons, I have been quite amazed by how avoidable — and recurring — the problems seem to be that inevitably bring the losing team down. So this time around, I’d like to give the chefs some tips:
1. Do not work front of house if you also have a dish to cook. Leaving your dish to be finished by someone else is a SUPREMELY bad idea.
2. Do not work front of house. Precious few chefs have been able to pull it off successfully.
3. Do not captain the team. Whether fairly or unfairly, you will be blamed if the team sucks.
4. Do not make the dessert — unless you can make an orgasm-inducing dessert, that is. That whole “the chef who makes the dessert always goes home thing” is true ONLY when the dessert sucks. Nobody in the history of Top Chef has been or will ever be sent home for a yummy dessert.
Let’s see if it’s any different this year.

Well, something’s already different: it’s girls against boys. On one hand I’m stoked, cuz I love it when the girls beat the boys, but on the other hand I’m wary, because this usually means we’re in for a sexist comment or two. Or several. I’m ok with Ed opining that “the male chefs have more talent,” because he’s basing that opinion on which chefs have weaknesses, NOT on which chefs have penises. Let’s have no lady-bashing, ok guys? Thanks. Oh — but we will have some Beverly-bashing, courtesy of Sarah. *eye roll*

Handsome Hugh says the name, design, and menu of the restaurant should all be in sync with one another; Padma says each team will be dining in the other team's restaurant and will be serving on consecutive nights. Good! Two in one night always felt rushed. The boys will go first; each team must prepare a three-course menu with two options in each course. As he and Padma leave, Handsome Hugh cautions everyone to “Work together.” Oh yeah:
5. Put all petty crap aside and focus on winning. Don’t be that jerk who simply cannot work with [insert chef’s name], thus bringing down the entire team.
Are you listening, Sarah?

Edward and Lindsay will be front-of-housing. Ed volunteers; he’s good at it because he owns his own restaurant. Lindsay is volunteered by Grayson, who says Lindsay “has opened several restaurants for Michelle Berenstein” and “will be awesome at it” and “will be calm under pressure.” And, lol, I’m sure that effusive praise has nothing to do with the fact that Grayson knows the front-of-houser is often sent home. Boys team: Canteen. Girls’ team: Half Bushel. HALF BUSHEL????? Lame. Sarah, who is apparently channeling her inner Heather, keeps shooting down all of Beverly’s entrée suggestions. Ponytail Chris observes that the girls are being catty, but the boys are getting along great.


First Course
- Ty’s Thai style crab and shrimp salad with caramel sauce and peanuts
- Paul’s ham and pork pate with mushrooms, mustard seeds, duck fat crostini and nectarines
Second Course
- Ty and Paul’s poached salmon with warm tomato water, clams, crispy salmon skin, tomatillo jam
- Paul’s crispy pork belly with green apple and sweet potato puree
Third Course
- Ed’s almond joy: almond joy cake, malted chocolate mousse, toasted spiced almonds, banana coconut puree
- Ponytail Chris’s homemade cracker jack, cherries, peanut butter ice cream noodles

There are some problems expediting; other than that, Ed does really well front-of-housing. As far as the food ... ok, look. I’m sure that to other people, it was delicious, but for several reasons (I hate nuts, I hate fruit + meat, I hate savory + sweet, I hate poached anything, I hate sweet potatoes, etc), that entire menu was SEVERELY unappetizing to me. I’ve said it once; I’ll say it a thousand times: I love this show, but if I had to actually eat some of the things the chefs make, I would cry. Here’s hoping the girls do better, because, um, yuck. Speaking of the girls, I was LOLed when, Grayson, who really liked Ponytail Chris’s dessert, yelled out “Chris JONES!” the same way that that rapper yells out his name: “Mike JONES!” Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!

Girls’ turn. Sarah and Grayson argue. Lindsay tells us she was prom queen. Lindsay hastily explains to Bev how to plate her (Lindsay’s) fish dish. (Uh oh. See #1. Since she’s front-of-housing, Lindsay should have pulled an Ed and made an easy-to-execute dessert, not a complicated entrée.) Sarah makes me want to punch her in the face with this exchange:
- Sarah: “Beverly, did you find those for me?”
- Beverly: “If you wanted them earlier, you should have taken ‘em out. I didn’t know.”
- Sarah: “Beverleeeeeeee?”
- Beverly: “I’m sorry.”
- Sarah: “Beverleeeeeeee? Seriously? You’re here to help the team. This is not how we’re going to start service, ok? We’re gonna focus. We’re gonna put the best food out we can.”
OH GIVE ME A BREAK. Beverly’s inability to read Sarah’s mind warrants a condescending talking-to??? I was soooooooo irritated by that. Beverly says Lindsay and Sarah treating her like a child is annoying, but she just ignores them and focuses on her food. Proving that she’s way more mature than I am, because I would have “accidentally” spilled something icy cold and sticky on Sarah’s crotch.

Dinner begins, and from the get-go it’s obvious Half Bushel is having problems. The judges enter and wait for several minutes at a deserted hostess stand because Lindsay’s in the kitchen checking on her dish. She eventually seats them. She tells us “I can’t be in three places at once.” Which is what people who have no idea how to front-of-house always say. When the boys enter, the hostess stand is again empty because Lindsay’s in the kitchen checking on her dish. She seats them, then goes back into the kitchen to check on her dish. After a waitress, not Lindsay, asks the judges if they’re ready for appetizers, Tom notes that would-be diners have been waiting like five minutes to be seated. Because Lindsay’s in the kitchen checking on her dish. Service gets backed up. Lindsay starts dropping eff bombs left and right, snaps at Beverly to stop plating with a plastic spoon (Oh yes, because food plated with a plastic spoon TASTES AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!), and gets in a heated argument with Sarah, whose orders are getting backed up, as Grayson yells at them to stop. Grayson’s having to throw away a lot of melting desserts because orders are so backed up. She says Lindsay’s tone is “bitchy” and that maybe she wasn’t the best choice for front of house. *snort* Ya think? A waitress enters the kitchen as Linday is leaving, accidentally almost knocking dessert out of Lindsay’s hands, and Lindsay acts like the woman no-joke just tried to kill her mother. Piling on the bitchiness, Lindsay says her dish sucked because Beverly ruined it; piling on the making-me-like-her-more-and-more, Grayson says that Lindsay probably told Beverly to use the wrong cooking technique.


First Course
- Grayson’s peach salad: grilled peaches, pickled shallots, arugula, crumbled goat cheese, bacon vinaigrette, candied pistachios
- Sarah’s arancino: risotto ball filled with buffalo mozzarella, sweet and sour eggplant, celery salad
Second Course
- Beverly’s braised short ribs over potato puree with Thai basil, apple slaw with kimchi, curried peanuts
- Lindsay’s grilled halibut over fingerling potatoes with chorizo sausage, fennel and sherry vinegar salad
Third Course
- Grayson’s schaum torte: vanilla meringue, champagne berries
-Sarah: Italian donuts with hazelnut cream, banana sugar glaze

The judges say Canteen had better service/ atmosphere; Half Bushel had better food. Agreeeeeeed. I would eat the hell out of that arancino (YAY VEGETARIAN DISH!), (if I ate meat) the fish dish, and both desserts. I know this is Restaurant Wars, and it’s all about the total package, but hey, better food’ll always prevail. Half Bushel wins. GIRL POWER!!!!! Tom and Handsome Hugh praise Grayson’s salad and dessert. Emeril drools at the memory of Sarah’s arancino. Padma tells Beverly “I loved your short ribs.” Beverly wins! OPEN YOUR MOUTHS AND SUCK ON THAT, LINDSAY AND SARAH. Back in the stew room, Sarah, who cannot let Beverly have her moment, just has to say that Lindsay deserves just as much praise as Beverly. Grayson and Beverly give each other I-wish-this-hussy-would-shut-the-hell-up looks.

Canteen was the judges’ and fans’ least favorite. Tom says the Thai flavors in Ty’s dish were too mild. The salmon was bland and the components didn’t work well together. (See? I told you it sounded unappetizing!) Emeril says Paul’s pate dish was good but the crostini was soaked in fat, and the pork belly was good but the rest of the dish “just faded out.” Tom says Ponytail Chris didn’t do enough. Tom and Padma liked his dessert; Emeril and Handsome Hugh, who called it a jumbled mess in a bowl, did not. (Team Emeril and Handsome Hugh.) Tom tells Ed since he called his dessert an almond joy, there should have been more coconut (Yuck, coconut.), but other than that non-flaw, his was the fave dish from the team. So basically it’s between Ty and Ponytail Chris … and Ty goes home. Well, I thought Rule #0, always cook good food, went without saying.

Nyesha beats Ty in Last Chance Kitchen. YAY!

Top Chef, 1/4/12

Ok, I had to rewind and listen for a second time to make sure I heard this right. Remember that yummy cake that helped see Heather to not one but two victories? Edward says it was actually his recipe! Hmmmm. Really? I don’t know about that. I hate Heather and am quite glad she’s gone, but I never saw any footage of her asking him for cake help. Since she turned out to be the villain, surely it would have been showed if it existed, yes? Plus, like Sarah, I’m a little suspicious of Edward making this claim only after Heather is gone and can’t refute it. But I hate Heather, so who cares.

As the chefs all sit around chatting, drinking, and eating junk food (which warms my heart to see, for some reason), there is a knock at the door, and Modernist Cuisine is delivered. “An incredible encyclopedic set of books about how to approach all of cuisine with a modern mindset,” it’s described in reverent tones. A note from Padma tells them they best study it. They do. The next day, Padma and Modernist Cuisine author Nathan Myhrvold inform the chefs that for today’s Quickfire, they must create a dish that illustrates modernist cuisine. (I think we all saw that one coming.) Winner gets immunity and a copy of the books. Everybody gets busy working with stuff like maltodextrin, nitroglycerin, super proteins, and lecithin. Ponytail Chris, who is dorkily excited, says this challenge is right up his alley since it’s his job to find new cooking techniques for his restaurant. Cute Chris says this challenge is right up his alley because he’s a modern guy and his apartment is decorated in a modern style. Which, we’re shown, means he has nude paintings everywhere.

There’s a cringe-inducing minute of arrrrggghhh embarrassment when tasting first gets underway as Beverly accidentally sprays foam all over Padma; Bev explains she was never allowed to hang with the other kids as a child so she’s socially awkward. (Maybe so, but her tattoos are supremely effing cool. I wish colors showed up on black people like that. *jealous*) Anyway, Paul’s endive salad with parmesan, egg yolk, and truffle powder, which lacks depth of flavor, Beverly’s flash-steamed clams and mussels with curry whipped cream and mango chili, which isn’t modernist enough, and Grayson’s trout sashimi with dill caviar and pickled watermelon rind, cucumber, and radish, which is too simple, are in the bottom. Ty’s watermelon cube with vanilla bean honey, cracked black pepper, and salted olive oil powder, Sarah’s breakfast raviolo with an egg yolk center and pancetta atop an orange juice sauce, and Ponytail Chris’s miracle berry pill, wedge of lemon, deconstructed cheesecake, and sparkling lemon-lime water are in the top. Paul says it lacks technique and looks gimmicky, but Paul can drink a cup of stfu because it looks fun and yummy, and I WANT SOME. And the winner is … Ty. Good job, Ty! I hope that set of Modernist Cuisine is a signed first edition.

It’s back to the traditional for the Elimination Challenge; the chefs must make barbecue. (Sigh. Oh, how I wish during challenges like this, a meatless entrée would be required. Oh well. I guess Texas vegetarians have just learned to do what I do at barbecues: shut up and eat the sides.) The chefs split into three teams of three, then are told they must make bbq for 300 guests at The Salt Lick, and must make chicken, beef brisket, pork spareribs, and two sides. Scott Roberts, owner of The Salt Lick, whom I want to hug because he looks like a jolly Asian Santa, shows the chefs around the restaurant, shows off his delicious bbq, then finally stops torturing the drooling chefs and lets them taste it. After the meal, they head off to the cooking pits, following Scott in his TOYOTA TOYOTA TOYOTA Tundra laden with the huge load of wood (that’s what she said) they’ll use whilst cooking their bbq all night long. He wishes them luck; cooking begins. Bev’s bourbon flambé is really on fire. Grayson, Lindsay, and Paul lose precious hours of cooking their brisket when it all falls off the racks. Ponytail Chris is cooking beer can chicken. Everyone works through the night (Ugh. Been there, done that.); in the morning, Tom does his walk-through to get the skinny on the chefs’ cooking techniques. They're all very hot and very tired, but everyone finds a second wind when Tom informs them that the winning team will get $15k. Everyone except Sarah, that is, who succumbs to the heat and exhaustion and is carted off to the hospital. A very irritated Ed says he would have pushed through it. Spoken like someone to whom that has never happened. Ed then gripes about how much work there is for only two people to do.

Ooooooooooooooooooh, Tito and Tarantula are playing at the bbq! I looove them! (*pauses Top Chef to put “After Dark” on iPod and From Dusk til Dawn in Netflix queue)


- Blue Team: Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay
- Asian spare ribs, chicken, and brisket; charred Brussels sprouts and purple okra with kimchi; watermelon salad
Which, Paul explains, is “watermelon with fish sauce.” Watermelon with fish sauce??!???!!???!?? And I hate okra. I HATE OKRA. So to me those sides sound like the grossest grossness in the history of grossivity, and I kind of wish a stiff wind would knock over the table so nobody has to eat them. YUCK. Anyhoo, the meats are a hit, and the use of cilantro with watermelon is praised, but the Brussels sprouts are undercooked.


- White Team: Cute Chris, Ponytail Chris, and Beverly
- beer can chicken, dry rub brisket, Dr Pepper-and-coffee glazed ribs, baked beans, coleslaw
Yummmmm. Baked beans and coleslaw. Now THOSE are some sides, dammit. Load me up a plate or two. Or four. Funny: Ponytail Chris’s t-shirt says “I eat vegans.” Ha! Anyhoo, the chicken is accused of being roast-y, not bbq-y; the ribs of being too salty; the beans of being undercooked; and the brisket of being chewy. The white team also made a delicious watermelon lemonade; the judges bellyache that it needs some nasty alcohol. Oh stfu, you lushes.


- Red Team: Edward, Ty, Sarah
- Texas style chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs, salt-and-pepper brisket, homemade pickles, pinto beans with bacon, summer slaw, slice of white bread
Just before they serve, Sarah returns, recovered and ready to work. Yay! As Ed was so irritated about how much he and Ty had to do without her help, you’d think he’d be happy about this, but nope. Mad because she’s ruining the system he and Ty had come up with for serving the food, he’s being a supreme asshole to her. “It’s not Sarah’s fault that she got overheated,” Ty says. Exactly, Ty. And as it was Edward who once pointed out that “Heather’s being a complete bitch” to Bev, I don’t understand why he’s chosen to step into her Complete Bitch shoes. But back to the food. Baked beans and coleslaw again = another side dish win. And bread and pickles, too? Yum. (YES I’m fixating on the sides! It’s all I could eat at this WE DON’T CARE IF YOU STARVE TO DEATH, FILTHY VEGETARIAN!!! barbecue. So shut up.) Anyhoo, the rib flavor is great but the ribs are chewy, the brisket is yum, and the bread was a great idea. Oh—Edward makes a good point: Ty has immunity and Sarah was basically out sick, so if his team is in the bottom, he might be the one going home. Ok, that explains his irritation, but he still didn’t have to be such a dick to Sarah.

The blue team wins. Well, good job with your meats, guys, because it sure as effing ess was NOT those nasty ass sides. Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay are praised for thinking outside of the box and going Asian with their flavors. (DID YOU HEAR THAT, HEATHER?) Paul has now won a total of $35k. Lucky bastard!!!! The other two teams are in the bottom. Sarah’s chicken was more grilled instead of bbqd, and the skin wasn’t cooked. Ty’s ribs weren’t cooked right, and he was heavy-handed with the sauce. Ty and Ed’s coleslaw was unpleasantly minty. The brisket wasn’t cooked right; Ty and Edward explain that being down to two people was the reason they didn’t make it to order. Cute Chris’s Dr Pepper-and-coffee glaze was not a hit, and his sauce for the ribs was “salty beyond belief.” Bev’s coleslaw was too traditional and her beans were undercooked. Ponytail Chris’s chicken was roasted instead of bbqd.

And the person going home is … Cute Chris. Fine, but I’m not going to stop calling the other one Ponytail Chris.

I HATE OKRA.

In Top Chef: Last Chance Kitchen, it was Cute Chris vs Nyesha. NYESHA WINS. Again. Go girl!!!