Top Chef, 1/18/12

Sarah tells us that Lindsay should have won the Restaurant Wars challenge, not Beverly. Why? Because Lindsay and Sarah got into an expletive-filled shouting match; Lindsay let the orders get so backed up that Grayson had to start throwing out desserts; Lindsay bit a waitresses’ head off for almost bumping into her; Lindsay was constantly yelling and cursing at Sarah, Grayson, and Bev; and Lindsay snapped at Beverly for committing the atrociously horrific crime of “plating with a f*cking plastic spoon” (THE HORROR!)???? Sarah, please stfu.

The chefs leave Austin and head back to San Antonio. The next morning, Padma and ze very French Eric Ripert explain a Quickfire challenge that is all about quick thinking. The chefs must select three ingredients off a fast-moving conveyor belt. The best selections will come out last, but the chefs will have less time to cook them. Winner gets immunity. Time starts. Instead of waiting, Paul does what I would have done and just grabs three ingredients and starts cooking. Ew, except I wouldn’t have chosen bitter melon. Ponytail Chris twice misses out on desperately-wanted lobster, then barely manages to grab it its third time around. Lindsay waits and waits and is rewarded with grouper. Running low on time, she decides to make bouillabaisse. For ze very French Eric Ripert? Linday’s got le brass balls.


- Edward (macadamia nuts, sauerkraut, black truffle): sauerkraut soup, shrimp cooked in brown butter, shaved truffle
- Ponytail Chris (lobster, vanilla, foie gras): butter poached lobster with foie gras and cauliflower cooked in milk and vanilla
- Grayson (goldfish, grapefish, dover sole): brunoised grapefruit and goldfish crumble with rosemary atop dover sole
- Paul (wonder bread, bitter melon, saffron): mussels in a broth of ginger bitter and melon
- Sarah (artichokes, cottage cheese, saltines): fried cracker-encrusted soft shell crab, tarragon cottage cheese sauce, shaved artichoke salad
- Lindsay (grouper, clam, Pernod): bouillabaisse in tomato-Pernod broth
- Beverly (tofu, Rice Krispies, black-eyed peas): sockeye salmon in an orange spice reduction, saffron-tofu sauce, black-eye peas sautéed in ginger and garlic
Alas, Bev ran out of time and didn’t incorporate the Rice Krispies. Edward says she shoulda just thrown them into the air in an effort to get some onto the plate, lol.

Eric says the ingredients in Ponytail Chris’s dish didn’t really complement each other. (Which is the exact same criticism his dessert got last episode. Stop doing that, Ponytail Christ. Oh — HA HA! I just typed “Ponytail Christ.” Yeah right. Jesus would never wear His hair in a top knot.) Grayson and Paul are also in the bottom; Eric says her goldfish were overwhelming and his bitter melon was overpowering. Sarah, Lindsay, and Beverly are in the top. Padma tells Beverly she would have won “by a mile” if not for the missing ingredient. Again: suck on that, Sarah and Lindsay. I love how the chef they keep treating like a complete imbecile keeps beating them. So Lindsay wins the immunity that should’ve been Beverly’s.

For the elimination challenge, Padma informs the chefs they must make a meal fit for a queen. “The queen of England? Queen Latifah?” Ponytail Chris wonders. Nope, it’s Charlize Theron, who’s playing the evil queen in the upcoming movie (that I’m so looking forward to seeing) Snow White and the Huntsmen. Charlize enters, and there’s the requisite I’ve-never-been-in-the-presence-of-a-celebrity squealing, jaw dropping, eye widening, gasping, and omg-ing. I think Sarah has an orgasm. The chefs are instructed to prepare “a gothic feast”; each dish must by “wickedly beautiful.” Charlize wants to see “indulgence and risk-taking” and advises them to “take out their competition.” SHE DOESN’T MEANT THAT LITERALLY, SARAH. Lindsay is cooking short ribs, which are what Bev cooked and won with last episode. Probably to show she can cook them better. Paul, who looks way hot with that kerchief tied around his head, notes that Beverly is cooking halibut, which Lindsay accused her of ruining last episode. Probably to show she does know how to cook it. There is some mad strategery going on.


- Edward: soy and black garlic ponzu pudding, Asian pear and ginger sauce, tuna tartare, fried fish scales
- Paul: foie gras, bacon, strawberries, pickled cherries, Serrano peppers, pumpernickel, beets
- Beverly: seared halibut, black rice, red curry coulis, coconut, pineapple
- Lindsay: seared scallop over witch’s stew of braised short rib and dragon beans
- Sarah: amarone risotto with lamb heart, currant, pear, sunchoke, thyme
- Grayson: black chicken with roasted pickled beets, greens, red chard, foie gras, quail egg
- Ponytail Chris: poisoned apple and cherry pie with granola, puffed Rice Krispies, basil, and apple powder
Every single dish is a winner. (That is soooooooooooooo rare. Even in the finale, there’s at least one dish that falls flat.) Each course gets high praise and groans and moans of pleasure. Ze very French Eric Ripert says it’s the best meal he’s ever had on Top Chef. Wow. The judges say it’s going to come down to “small things” and “little glitches.” What, like “I’m sorry chef, but we didn’t like the shape of your plates”?

All seven are called to judges’ table, and all seven get a glowing review. Then Charlize declares Paul the winner. He gets two tickets to the world premiere of Snow White and the Huntsmen. I guess since he’s already won $35k, they’re well sick of giving him prize money. Sarah, Grayson, and Beverly are in the bottom. Tom acknowledges that they’re nitpicking, but here goes: Sarah’s risotto was a hair undercooked; Beverly’s sauce was sticky (She starts crying. KNOCK IT OFF.); Grayson’s greens (Yay alliteration!) were a little salty, her foie gras wasn’t incorporated well, and maybe she should have parboiled the egg.

And the person going home is … Beverly. BEVERLY? :( If only she'd won immunity! But I guess the judges are as annoyed by crying as I am. Aw darn it, that means Bev vs Nyesha in Last Chance Kitchen. But I like them both! Beverly wins. Yaaaay! Moment of silence for Nyesha. :(