Top Chef, 2/1/12

Down to the final five! I am Team Paul first, Grayson second, and Edward third. Anybody but Sarah or Lindsay, please thanks.

Pee-wee Herman in the house. Yay, childhood icon! Dude is aging quite well. For the Quickfire, the chefs must make one of his favorite foods: pancakes. Was it really necessary to have a table full of pancakes just to announce that pancakes will be made? I’m asking because I’m greedy and I’m jealous that I didn’t get to help devour all the extra food after filming was complete. Anyway, yay pancakes! Love it when the chefs are assigned something non-pretentious: pancakes, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.—and it’s quite eye-opening when somebody completely bombs such challenges. You should be able to cook outside of your ostentatious comfort zone. Re-anyway, the winner gets five thousand dollars. “Five thousand dollars for a pancake? Wow. That’s a stack!” Pee-wee quips, and dammit, I actually laugh at that. Cooking begins. Paul, who has apparently slipped into the mad scientist shoes of the recently eliminated Ponytail Chris, breaks out the liquid nitrogen.


- Grayson: ricotta buttermilk pancakes, peach compote, blackberry, and basil
- Sarah: confetti pancakes, blackberry sauce, cocoa nibs, banana, and whipped cream
- Paul: rolled pancakes, berries, black pepper, and champagne dippin’ dots
- Lindsay: ricotta pancake, whipped crème fraiche, and almond-anise cookies
- Edward: pancake bits, berries, bacon, and bruleed marshmallow

Pee-wee tells everybody he or she made the best pancake he’s ever had. All the pancakes sounded pretty damn scrumptious (minus the bacon and pepper, i.m.o.), and he doesn’t call out anybody for making a bad one, so he’s probably being sincere. And the winner is … Ed!!!! But everybody feels like a winner when Pee-wee tells them he got them all brand new bicycles. Cool!

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs must make a family style lunch, and Padma says they have to use those bicycles to ride around town finding food and a restaurant to cook it in. Ha! The next day, everyone saddles up—Lindsay, who is blonde, puts her helmet on backwards—heads for the farmer’s market, and then one by one finds restaurants in which the owners/staff act as if this isn’t completely staged and agree to let the chefs crash their kitchens for a few hours. Ed doesn’t want his chicken to be overcooked, so he’s going to undercook it just a hair. Lindsay is the last person to find somewhere to cook; she’s worried about having enough time. Post-cooking, Grayson’s so concerned about breaking the egg yolks inside of her chicken breasts on the way to the Alamo that she risks burns to hold the tray in her hand instead of putting it in her bike basket.

- Sarah: summer veggie salad, boiled egg, chicken skin vinaigrette
- Grayson: gorgonzola cheese-spinach-and-egg yolk stuffed chicken breast with egg-bacon vinaigrette, tomatoes, and butternut squash
- Lindsay: roasted zucchini stuffed with braised beef cheeks and rice; salad of greens, pickled celery and carrots, goat cheese
- Edward: red-eye gravy over chicken poached in beef tallow; grits with corn and gorgonzola cheese; salad of kale, okra, and roasted tomatoes
- Paul: roasted chicken salad with Thai basil oil, red curry gastrique, cucumbers, and summer squash



Gail loves Sarah’s vinaigrette; Tom and Peewee say the dish needs salt. Gail likes Lindsay’s use of zucchini; Padma says she used too much goat cheese; Peewee loves the dish. Ed’s grits and gravy are a hit, but Peewee says the chicken is slightly odd; Tom says it’s on the edge of undercooked. Gail loves Paul’s dish; Padma wanted more spicy. Gail says Grayson’s dish is good; Tom says it’s delicious but he wishes she’d left off some stuff; the plate’s too busy. AND THEN PEE-WEE MAKES ME LOVE HIM MORE THAN I EVER KNEW I COULD: “I thought it was delicious, but I have a lot of childhood issues with runny yolk that I’d have to lie down to tell you about.” Thank you, Pee-wee!!! I knew I couldn’t be the only person on the planet who feels that RUNNY YOLK IS FRICKING DISGUSTING.

Lindsay wins. (Boo.) Ed, Grayson, and Sarah are in the bottom, and … Grayson goes home. If you ask me, serving bland food is a much bigger crime than serving a lot of delicious food, so Sarah should have gone home, dammit.

It’s time for the final Last Chance Kitchen showdown. Grayson vs Beverly. Whoever wins will be back in the competition. And the winner is … we don’t know!!!! She won’t be revealed til next week. Arrrrrrrgggghhhh! Well, I love Grayson, but please please please let it be Beverly!

Top Chef, 1/25/12

Final six!

Oh sweet, Cat Cora’s the guest judge. I heart her. Padma divides the chefs into three teams of two. In a Quickfire designed to test speed, the chefs are given 40 minutes to peel, devein, and butterfly two pounds of shrimp; shuck a crate of corn; make a pound of fettuccine from scratch; then use those ingredients to make a dish. No immunity from here on out, but the winning team gets to split $10k. According to history, that means Paul, who’s already won $35k (Yes I keep bringing that up! I’m jealous, ok?!?!!!) in various challenges, is probably going to win.
- Grayson and Chris: fettuccine with toasted corn, oil poached shrimp, bacon, rosemary
- Lindsay Sarah: fettuccine with corn milk, shrimp, tarragon, parsley
- Paul and Edward: DISQUALIFIED!
Well, never mind about Paul winning; he left the shrimp off his and Ed’s plates. The other chefs are quite pleased. Can you blame them? And the winners are … Grayson and Ponytail Chris! YAY! I heart Grayson, and I cannot stand Lindsay or Sarah. Proving why, Sarah’s all like, we would’ve won, but Cat Cora doesn’t like tarragon. Oh, of course. Because it certainly couldn’t be that the other team made a better dish than you, right? (And Cat didn’t say she didn’t like tarragon; she just said she wouldn’t have used it.)

For the elimination, the chefs must cook against the teammate they were just paired with; each person will cook a version of the same dish for 200 people at a block party, and the partygoers will vote for which version they like better. Grayson and Chris decide to make a chicken salad sandwich with a watermelon salad; Lindsay and Sarah, meatballs and a veggie salad; and Paul and Edward, Asian bbq with pickled veggies. Then Padma announces they must make healthy versions of these dishes. Winner gets $15k. (Paul’s bank account: “We so got this.”)

Block party! Ponytail Chris’s station is being swarmed by bees; he’s allergic. Grayson is making her sandwiches to order and is getting really backed up. Sarah’s worried cuz nobody’s voting for her meatball. Folks keep getting two slices of Ed’s bread instead of one. Paul’s got that kerchief tied around his head again! He’s sooooooo cute to me when he does that. Dana Cowin of Food & Wine magazine is making the tasting rounds with the judges, intimidating the hell out of everyone.


- Paul: turkey kalbi in lettuce wraps, eggplant, white peach kimchi
- Edward: shortrib kalbi on a steamed bun kimchi chipotle puree topped with and radish sprouts; pickled cucumber, carrots, fennel, and daikon
Paul’s dish is a hit; Emeril calls it brilliant. Cat says Ed’s beef is chewy; Tom says there’s too much bun-to-meat; Padma says her bread was hard and dry.


- Grayson: chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat bun with arugula, pickled onion, and olive oil mayo; watermelon salad with feta cheese, watercress, and pumpkin seeds
- Ponytail Chris: chicken salad sandwich with red lettuce and tofu “mayo”; watermelon salad with pineapple ice
Dana says Grayson’s chicken salad lacked flavor; Cat says the watermelon salad needed some lime or something. Tom likes the curry in Ponytail Chris’s sandwich but complains that the bread is drying out. Padma preferred his watermelon salad. Agreeeeeeeeeeeed. To me, cheese + watermelon sounds gag-me gross, but a pineapple slushee + watermelon? YUM TIME. Dana wants to put it in a blender with some vodka. (Yuck.)


- Sarah: calabrese style meatballs made with whole wheat bread and turkey; tomato sauce; salad of zucchini, fennel, baby squash, arugula
- Lindsay: Greek meatball made with lean veal, lamb, and yogurt; salad of quinoa and black eyed peas with vinaigrette
Emeril loves Sarah’s meatball and the sauce. Tom says the salad had a ton of flavor; Dana begs to differ and says all she got was zucchini and arugula. Apparently Sarah’s salad-tossing skills are subpar. Tom says Lindsay’s meatball had a ton of flavor; this time, Dana agrees.

Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay are the top three. Grayson kind of makes me want to declare her my bff with this exchange:
Tom: “You have to win this against other dishes that are potentially much more exciting.”
Grayson: “What, like a meatball?”
EPIC ROFL. (And Cat totally laughed, too.) Grayson is so right. First of all, everybody picked easy, simple fare for this challenge. As well they should have. It’s a block party, not a banquet. Secondly, the meatball was the simplest of those three dishes, if you ask me. Anyhoo, Paul’s dish was the fave. (Paul’s bank account: “Duh!”) He has now won FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. Hey Paul, I'm single.

Sarah, Edward, and Ponytail Chris are in the bottom. Oh please oh please oh please OH PLEASE let Sarah go home. Darn -- Ponytail Chris goes home. So in Last Chance Kitchen, it’s Ponytail Chris vs Beverly. Beverly wins! Bye bye, top knot.

Top Chef, 1/18/12

Sarah tells us that Lindsay should have won the Restaurant Wars challenge, not Beverly. Why? Because Lindsay and Sarah got into an expletive-filled shouting match; Lindsay let the orders get so backed up that Grayson had to start throwing out desserts; Lindsay bit a waitresses’ head off for almost bumping into her; Lindsay was constantly yelling and cursing at Sarah, Grayson, and Bev; and Lindsay snapped at Beverly for committing the atrociously horrific crime of “plating with a f*cking plastic spoon” (THE HORROR!)???? Sarah, please stfu.

The chefs leave Austin and head back to San Antonio. The next morning, Padma and ze very French Eric Ripert explain a Quickfire challenge that is all about quick thinking. The chefs must select three ingredients off a fast-moving conveyor belt. The best selections will come out last, but the chefs will have less time to cook them. Winner gets immunity. Time starts. Instead of waiting, Paul does what I would have done and just grabs three ingredients and starts cooking. Ew, except I wouldn’t have chosen bitter melon. Ponytail Chris twice misses out on desperately-wanted lobster, then barely manages to grab it its third time around. Lindsay waits and waits and is rewarded with grouper. Running low on time, she decides to make bouillabaisse. For ze very French Eric Ripert? Linday’s got le brass balls.


- Edward (macadamia nuts, sauerkraut, black truffle): sauerkraut soup, shrimp cooked in brown butter, shaved truffle
- Ponytail Chris (lobster, vanilla, foie gras): butter poached lobster with foie gras and cauliflower cooked in milk and vanilla
- Grayson (goldfish, grapefish, dover sole): brunoised grapefruit and goldfish crumble with rosemary atop dover sole
- Paul (wonder bread, bitter melon, saffron): mussels in a broth of ginger bitter and melon
- Sarah (artichokes, cottage cheese, saltines): fried cracker-encrusted soft shell crab, tarragon cottage cheese sauce, shaved artichoke salad
- Lindsay (grouper, clam, Pernod): bouillabaisse in tomato-Pernod broth
- Beverly (tofu, Rice Krispies, black-eyed peas): sockeye salmon in an orange spice reduction, saffron-tofu sauce, black-eye peas sautéed in ginger and garlic
Alas, Bev ran out of time and didn’t incorporate the Rice Krispies. Edward says she shoulda just thrown them into the air in an effort to get some onto the plate, lol.

Eric says the ingredients in Ponytail Chris’s dish didn’t really complement each other. (Which is the exact same criticism his dessert got last episode. Stop doing that, Ponytail Christ. Oh — HA HA! I just typed “Ponytail Christ.” Yeah right. Jesus would never wear His hair in a top knot.) Grayson and Paul are also in the bottom; Eric says her goldfish were overwhelming and his bitter melon was overpowering. Sarah, Lindsay, and Beverly are in the top. Padma tells Beverly she would have won “by a mile” if not for the missing ingredient. Again: suck on that, Sarah and Lindsay. I love how the chef they keep treating like a complete imbecile keeps beating them. So Lindsay wins the immunity that should’ve been Beverly’s.

For the elimination challenge, Padma informs the chefs they must make a meal fit for a queen. “The queen of England? Queen Latifah?” Ponytail Chris wonders. Nope, it’s Charlize Theron, who’s playing the evil queen in the upcoming movie (that I’m so looking forward to seeing) Snow White and the Huntsmen. Charlize enters, and there’s the requisite I’ve-never-been-in-the-presence-of-a-celebrity squealing, jaw dropping, eye widening, gasping, and omg-ing. I think Sarah has an orgasm. The chefs are instructed to prepare “a gothic feast”; each dish must by “wickedly beautiful.” Charlize wants to see “indulgence and risk-taking” and advises them to “take out their competition.” SHE DOESN’T MEANT THAT LITERALLY, SARAH. Lindsay is cooking short ribs, which are what Bev cooked and won with last episode. Probably to show she can cook them better. Paul, who looks way hot with that kerchief tied around his head, notes that Beverly is cooking halibut, which Lindsay accused her of ruining last episode. Probably to show she does know how to cook it. There is some mad strategery going on.


- Edward: soy and black garlic ponzu pudding, Asian pear and ginger sauce, tuna tartare, fried fish scales
- Paul: foie gras, bacon, strawberries, pickled cherries, Serrano peppers, pumpernickel, beets
- Beverly: seared halibut, black rice, red curry coulis, coconut, pineapple
- Lindsay: seared scallop over witch’s stew of braised short rib and dragon beans
- Sarah: amarone risotto with lamb heart, currant, pear, sunchoke, thyme
- Grayson: black chicken with roasted pickled beets, greens, red chard, foie gras, quail egg
- Ponytail Chris: poisoned apple and cherry pie with granola, puffed Rice Krispies, basil, and apple powder
Every single dish is a winner. (That is soooooooooooooo rare. Even in the finale, there’s at least one dish that falls flat.) Each course gets high praise and groans and moans of pleasure. Ze very French Eric Ripert says it’s the best meal he’s ever had on Top Chef. Wow. The judges say it’s going to come down to “small things” and “little glitches.” What, like “I’m sorry chef, but we didn’t like the shape of your plates”?

All seven are called to judges’ table, and all seven get a glowing review. Then Charlize declares Paul the winner. He gets two tickets to the world premiere of Snow White and the Huntsmen. I guess since he’s already won $35k, they’re well sick of giving him prize money. Sarah, Grayson, and Beverly are in the bottom. Tom acknowledges that they’re nitpicking, but here goes: Sarah’s risotto was a hair undercooked; Beverly’s sauce was sticky (She starts crying. KNOCK IT OFF.); Grayson’s greens (Yay alliteration!) were a little salty, her foie gras wasn’t incorporated well, and maybe she should have parboiled the egg.

And the person going home is … Beverly. BEVERLY? :( If only she'd won immunity! But I guess the judges are as annoyed by crying as I am. Aw darn it, that means Bev vs Nyesha in Last Chance Kitchen. But I like them both! Beverly wins. Yaaaay! Moment of silence for Nyesha. :(