Top Chef, 2/1/12

Down to the final five! I am Team Paul first, Grayson second, and Edward third. Anybody but Sarah or Lindsay, please thanks.

Pee-wee Herman in the house. Yay, childhood icon! Dude is aging quite well. For the Quickfire, the chefs must make one of his favorite foods: pancakes. Was it really necessary to have a table full of pancakes just to announce that pancakes will be made? I’m asking because I’m greedy and I’m jealous that I didn’t get to help devour all the extra food after filming was complete. Anyway, yay pancakes! Love it when the chefs are assigned something non-pretentious: pancakes, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.—and it’s quite eye-opening when somebody completely bombs such challenges. You should be able to cook outside of your ostentatious comfort zone. Re-anyway, the winner gets five thousand dollars. “Five thousand dollars for a pancake? Wow. That’s a stack!” Pee-wee quips, and dammit, I actually laugh at that. Cooking begins. Paul, who has apparently slipped into the mad scientist shoes of the recently eliminated Ponytail Chris, breaks out the liquid nitrogen.


- Grayson: ricotta buttermilk pancakes, peach compote, blackberry, and basil
- Sarah: confetti pancakes, blackberry sauce, cocoa nibs, banana, and whipped cream
- Paul: rolled pancakes, berries, black pepper, and champagne dippin’ dots
- Lindsay: ricotta pancake, whipped crème fraiche, and almond-anise cookies
- Edward: pancake bits, berries, bacon, and bruleed marshmallow

Pee-wee tells everybody he or she made the best pancake he’s ever had. All the pancakes sounded pretty damn scrumptious (minus the bacon and pepper, i.m.o.), and he doesn’t call out anybody for making a bad one, so he’s probably being sincere. And the winner is … Ed!!!! But everybody feels like a winner when Pee-wee tells them he got them all brand new bicycles. Cool!

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs must make a family style lunch, and Padma says they have to use those bicycles to ride around town finding food and a restaurant to cook it in. Ha! The next day, everyone saddles up—Lindsay, who is blonde, puts her helmet on backwards—heads for the farmer’s market, and then one by one finds restaurants in which the owners/staff act as if this isn’t completely staged and agree to let the chefs crash their kitchens for a few hours. Ed doesn’t want his chicken to be overcooked, so he’s going to undercook it just a hair. Lindsay is the last person to find somewhere to cook; she’s worried about having enough time. Post-cooking, Grayson’s so concerned about breaking the egg yolks inside of her chicken breasts on the way to the Alamo that she risks burns to hold the tray in her hand instead of putting it in her bike basket.

- Sarah: summer veggie salad, boiled egg, chicken skin vinaigrette
- Grayson: gorgonzola cheese-spinach-and-egg yolk stuffed chicken breast with egg-bacon vinaigrette, tomatoes, and butternut squash
- Lindsay: roasted zucchini stuffed with braised beef cheeks and rice; salad of greens, pickled celery and carrots, goat cheese
- Edward: red-eye gravy over chicken poached in beef tallow; grits with corn and gorgonzola cheese; salad of kale, okra, and roasted tomatoes
- Paul: roasted chicken salad with Thai basil oil, red curry gastrique, cucumbers, and summer squash



Gail loves Sarah’s vinaigrette; Tom and Peewee say the dish needs salt. Gail likes Lindsay’s use of zucchini; Padma says she used too much goat cheese; Peewee loves the dish. Ed’s grits and gravy are a hit, but Peewee says the chicken is slightly odd; Tom says it’s on the edge of undercooked. Gail loves Paul’s dish; Padma wanted more spicy. Gail says Grayson’s dish is good; Tom says it’s delicious but he wishes she’d left off some stuff; the plate’s too busy. AND THEN PEE-WEE MAKES ME LOVE HIM MORE THAN I EVER KNEW I COULD: “I thought it was delicious, but I have a lot of childhood issues with runny yolk that I’d have to lie down to tell you about.” Thank you, Pee-wee!!! I knew I couldn’t be the only person on the planet who feels that RUNNY YOLK IS FRICKING DISGUSTING.

Lindsay wins. (Boo.) Ed, Grayson, and Sarah are in the bottom, and … Grayson goes home. If you ask me, serving bland food is a much bigger crime than serving a lot of delicious food, so Sarah should have gone home, dammit.

It’s time for the final Last Chance Kitchen showdown. Grayson vs Beverly. Whoever wins will be back in the competition. And the winner is … we don’t know!!!! She won’t be revealed til next week. Arrrrrrrgggghhhh! Well, I love Grayson, but please please please let it be Beverly!

Top Chef, 1/4/12

Ok, I had to rewind and listen for a second time to make sure I heard this right. Remember that yummy cake that helped see Heather to not one but two victories? Edward says it was actually his recipe! Hmmmm. Really? I don’t know about that. I hate Heather and am quite glad she’s gone, but I never saw any footage of her asking him for cake help. Since she turned out to be the villain, surely it would have been showed if it existed, yes? Plus, like Sarah, I’m a little suspicious of Edward making this claim only after Heather is gone and can’t refute it. But I hate Heather, so who cares.

As the chefs all sit around chatting, drinking, and eating junk food (which warms my heart to see, for some reason), there is a knock at the door, and Modernist Cuisine is delivered. “An incredible encyclopedic set of books about how to approach all of cuisine with a modern mindset,” it’s described in reverent tones. A note from Padma tells them they best study it. They do. The next day, Padma and Modernist Cuisine author Nathan Myhrvold inform the chefs that for today’s Quickfire, they must create a dish that illustrates modernist cuisine. (I think we all saw that one coming.) Winner gets immunity and a copy of the books. Everybody gets busy working with stuff like maltodextrin, nitroglycerin, super proteins, and lecithin. Ponytail Chris, who is dorkily excited, says this challenge is right up his alley since it’s his job to find new cooking techniques for his restaurant. Cute Chris says this challenge is right up his alley because he’s a modern guy and his apartment is decorated in a modern style. Which, we’re shown, means he has nude paintings everywhere.

There’s a cringe-inducing minute of arrrrggghhh embarrassment when tasting first gets underway as Beverly accidentally sprays foam all over Padma; Bev explains she was never allowed to hang with the other kids as a child so she’s socially awkward. (Maybe so, but her tattoos are supremely effing cool. I wish colors showed up on black people like that. *jealous*) Anyway, Paul’s endive salad with parmesan, egg yolk, and truffle powder, which lacks depth of flavor, Beverly’s flash-steamed clams and mussels with curry whipped cream and mango chili, which isn’t modernist enough, and Grayson’s trout sashimi with dill caviar and pickled watermelon rind, cucumber, and radish, which is too simple, are in the bottom. Ty’s watermelon cube with vanilla bean honey, cracked black pepper, and salted olive oil powder, Sarah’s breakfast raviolo with an egg yolk center and pancetta atop an orange juice sauce, and Ponytail Chris’s miracle berry pill, wedge of lemon, deconstructed cheesecake, and sparkling lemon-lime water are in the top. Paul says it lacks technique and looks gimmicky, but Paul can drink a cup of stfu because it looks fun and yummy, and I WANT SOME. And the winner is … Ty. Good job, Ty! I hope that set of Modernist Cuisine is a signed first edition.

It’s back to the traditional for the Elimination Challenge; the chefs must make barbecue. (Sigh. Oh, how I wish during challenges like this, a meatless entrée would be required. Oh well. I guess Texas vegetarians have just learned to do what I do at barbecues: shut up and eat the sides.) The chefs split into three teams of three, then are told they must make bbq for 300 guests at The Salt Lick, and must make chicken, beef brisket, pork spareribs, and two sides. Scott Roberts, owner of The Salt Lick, whom I want to hug because he looks like a jolly Asian Santa, shows the chefs around the restaurant, shows off his delicious bbq, then finally stops torturing the drooling chefs and lets them taste it. After the meal, they head off to the cooking pits, following Scott in his TOYOTA TOYOTA TOYOTA Tundra laden with the huge load of wood (that’s what she said) they’ll use whilst cooking their bbq all night long. He wishes them luck; cooking begins. Bev’s bourbon flambé is really on fire. Grayson, Lindsay, and Paul lose precious hours of cooking their brisket when it all falls off the racks. Ponytail Chris is cooking beer can chicken. Everyone works through the night (Ugh. Been there, done that.); in the morning, Tom does his walk-through to get the skinny on the chefs’ cooking techniques. They're all very hot and very tired, but everyone finds a second wind when Tom informs them that the winning team will get $15k. Everyone except Sarah, that is, who succumbs to the heat and exhaustion and is carted off to the hospital. A very irritated Ed says he would have pushed through it. Spoken like someone to whom that has never happened. Ed then gripes about how much work there is for only two people to do.

Ooooooooooooooooooh, Tito and Tarantula are playing at the bbq! I looove them! (*pauses Top Chef to put “After Dark” on iPod and From Dusk til Dawn in Netflix queue)


- Blue Team: Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay
- Asian spare ribs, chicken, and brisket; charred Brussels sprouts and purple okra with kimchi; watermelon salad
Which, Paul explains, is “watermelon with fish sauce.” Watermelon with fish sauce??!???!!???!?? And I hate okra. I HATE OKRA. So to me those sides sound like the grossest grossness in the history of grossivity, and I kind of wish a stiff wind would knock over the table so nobody has to eat them. YUCK. Anyhoo, the meats are a hit, and the use of cilantro with watermelon is praised, but the Brussels sprouts are undercooked.


- White Team: Cute Chris, Ponytail Chris, and Beverly
- beer can chicken, dry rub brisket, Dr Pepper-and-coffee glazed ribs, baked beans, coleslaw
Yummmmm. Baked beans and coleslaw. Now THOSE are some sides, dammit. Load me up a plate or two. Or four. Funny: Ponytail Chris’s t-shirt says “I eat vegans.” Ha! Anyhoo, the chicken is accused of being roast-y, not bbq-y; the ribs of being too salty; the beans of being undercooked; and the brisket of being chewy. The white team also made a delicious watermelon lemonade; the judges bellyache that it needs some nasty alcohol. Oh stfu, you lushes.


- Red Team: Edward, Ty, Sarah
- Texas style chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs, salt-and-pepper brisket, homemade pickles, pinto beans with bacon, summer slaw, slice of white bread
Just before they serve, Sarah returns, recovered and ready to work. Yay! As Ed was so irritated about how much he and Ty had to do without her help, you’d think he’d be happy about this, but nope. Mad because she’s ruining the system he and Ty had come up with for serving the food, he’s being a supreme asshole to her. “It’s not Sarah’s fault that she got overheated,” Ty says. Exactly, Ty. And as it was Edward who once pointed out that “Heather’s being a complete bitch” to Bev, I don’t understand why he’s chosen to step into her Complete Bitch shoes. But back to the food. Baked beans and coleslaw again = another side dish win. And bread and pickles, too? Yum. (YES I’m fixating on the sides! It’s all I could eat at this WE DON’T CARE IF YOU STARVE TO DEATH, FILTHY VEGETARIAN!!! barbecue. So shut up.) Anyhoo, the rib flavor is great but the ribs are chewy, the brisket is yum, and the bread was a great idea. Oh—Edward makes a good point: Ty has immunity and Sarah was basically out sick, so if his team is in the bottom, he might be the one going home. Ok, that explains his irritation, but he still didn’t have to be such a dick to Sarah.

The blue team wins. Well, good job with your meats, guys, because it sure as effing ess was NOT those nasty ass sides. Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay are praised for thinking outside of the box and going Asian with their flavors. (DID YOU HEAR THAT, HEATHER?) Paul has now won a total of $35k. Lucky bastard!!!! The other two teams are in the bottom. Sarah’s chicken was more grilled instead of bbqd, and the skin wasn’t cooked. Ty’s ribs weren’t cooked right, and he was heavy-handed with the sauce. Ty and Ed’s coleslaw was unpleasantly minty. The brisket wasn’t cooked right; Ty and Edward explain that being down to two people was the reason they didn’t make it to order. Cute Chris’s Dr Pepper-and-coffee glaze was not a hit, and his sauce for the ribs was “salty beyond belief.” Bev’s coleslaw was too traditional and her beans were undercooked. Ponytail Chris’s chicken was roasted instead of bbqd.

And the person going home is … Cute Chris. Fine, but I’m not going to stop calling the other one Ponytail Chris.

I HATE OKRA.

In Top Chef: Last Chance Kitchen, it was Cute Chris vs Nyesha. NYESHA WINS. Again. Go girl!!!