Movie Review: Twilight – Breaking Dawn, Part One, 11/18/11

1. Yes, I can be objective. :)
2. This review contains no spoilers — if you’ve read the books.
3. IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOKS, YOU WILL HATE THIS MOVIE. OK? SO EFFING SPARE ME.

Let me begin by saying that if I were in charge of the universe, I would go back and change it so that the directors of the Twilight movies, Catherine Hardwicke, Chris Weitz, David Slade, and Oscar winner Bill Condon, also directed the Harry Potter movies. Like the Twilight novels, I love, love, LOVE the Harry Potter books — but the movies were so incredibly untrue to the source material that it pissed me off royally, and I quit after the third one. Thankfully, the Twilight directors/screenwriters seem bound and determined to stay as faithful to the books as possible (Thanks, guys!), resulting in yet another homerun: Breaking Dawn, Part One.


Bella and Edward marry, Jacob sulks, Bella gets surprise knocked-up with a half-vamp. Although we already know the plot from the books/previews, the movie still delivers the goods. The wedding is quite touching, the speeches hilarious. During the reception, we meet — OMG — Irina. As it is she who will bring about all the danger and drama of Part Two, I was curious to see who they got to play her. Maggie Grace, from Lost? Good choice. She perfectly pouts, protests, then departs in a pretty huff. We’ll be seeing you, Irina. And how.


The tropical honeymoon location is breathtaking, the sex scene as intense as a PG-13 sex scene can be. Then starts the tension. Bella’s preggo! But this is not cause for celebration. The fetus is killing her, so pretty much everybody wants her to get rid of it (except her sis-in-law Rosalie, vamped before she got the chance to be a mom, so she’s fiercely protecting this chance to become an aunt). And since the fetus is killing Bella, the werewolves, sworn to protect humans, want to kill it, so Jacob has to break from the pack and act as watchdog.


The principals have a ways to go acting-wise, but still, the performances are much improved this time around. Taylor Lautner really makes you feel sorry for Jacob, who already had to watch the woman he loves marry another man and now has to watch her die bit by bit. Kristen Stewart actually shows some depth as her character fights not only to protect her baby from those who want to kill it in order to save her life but also to carry a child who is slowly draining the life out of her. And wow, the special effects used to create a wasting-away Bella are extremely and disturbingly effective.


But of course, all I care about are the werewolves, so let’s devote a paragraph to that, shall we? (And I know they’re shapeshifters and not true lycans. Stfu.) YAY, huge and fast and strong WEREWOLVES. In this movie, we finally get to hear them talking as is described in the books: in the mental voice of the pack. Nice touch. The scene when Jacob rebels against pack leader Sam is pretty powerful; the vamp-vs-werewolf fight, just like the one in Eclipse, is edge-of-your-seat thrilling. And Jacob’s imprinting scene at the end is touching, effective, and very well done.


Complaints:
1. The soundtrack. Heretofore, all the soundtracks have had no fewer than five or six songs that blew me away. This time around, all I like are “It Will Rain” by Bruno Mars and "Turning Page" by Sleeping At Last. Here’s hoping Part Two has way better music.
2. As I also griped in my review of The Thing, it drives me batty when someone suddenly develops the ability to speak a foreign language. When the housekeeper says something in Portuguese to Bella, who magically understands, that got an eye roll.
3. Jacob takes his shirt off only once. FAIL.

*sad sigh* Alas, there is but one Twilight movie left. But that’s ok … because omg did you see the Hunger Games trailer? Like, OMG!

Top Chef: Texas, 11/2/11

Premiere, Part One


I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to pick an early fave, cuz my early fave never wins. You hear me, reality tv gods? If I don’t tell you who I like, you can’t send him/her home just to spite me! SO THERE!

“It’s Texas. They made it bigger.” This season is starting off with like 30+ chefs instead of the usual 16. Standing in front of the Alamo, Padma (Hey Padma!) greets the chef army and welcomes them to Top Chef Texas — then it’s down to business. She informs them that they will be put into three groups, with everyone in the group competing against each other to make it into the 16.


Group One:
Tom (Hey Tom!) and Emeril tell the chefs they must use part of a partially butchered pig to create a feast. Begin cooking! Tyler brags about himself, but then hasn’t a bloody clue how to cut up the pig. He grabs a saw. A saw???!?!?? It's a pig, not a log! Colin isn’t doing much better, but in his defense, he runs a vegan restaurant. Chris takes over for him. Tyler’s butchering is so bad that Tom and Emeril send him home. First casualty! No jacket for you! Interesting to see all the creative ways the chefs are cooking pig. More to it than just bacon and ham sandwiches, eh? Time! Oh darn — the second casualty is my fellow meat-avoider Colin, who gets axed for serving super sloppy plates.



- Chris J.: candied peanuts, caramel apple stuffed with braised pork belly and sweet applesauce. YUCK YUCK THAT’S DISGUSTING I HATE SAVORY + SWEET HATE SAVORY + SWEET HATE IT HATE IT YUCK.
- Sarah: pig skin ravioli
- Molly: smoked sweet potato soup with simmered pork cheek and tequila cilantro lime cream
- Grayson: mushroom-stuffed tenderloin with haricot vert and hazelnuts
- Nyesha (Omg, homegirl alert! Wait — oops. Disregard that burst of enthusiasm, reality tv gods. It meant nothing!): braised pork shoulder ravioli with roasted corn, tomato, and pepita salsa
- Richie: onion soup with crispy and braised pig ears, pickled shallots, frozen parsley powder, and mushrooms
- Simon: ham roulade stuffed with fig confit and goat cheese.
- Heather: ribs over grits with blue cheese, corn, and bacon. Holy crap, it looks good. It’s the first dish that if I ate meat I would nom nom nom.

Out: Simon. Must cook again: Molly and Grayson. In: Chris J., Sarah, Nyesha (YAY!), Heather, and Richie.


Group Two:
Padma, Gail (Hey Gail!), and Tom instruct everyone to agree on one ingredient to cook with; rabbit is chosen. Begin cooking! Chris C. says his style is like that of Richard Blais and Michael Voltaggio. *eye roll* Invoking the name of past winners: lame. Dakota is pairing chocolate and rabbit. :( Time! Nina is immediately eliminated for not finishing her plate. No jacket for you!

- Whitney: rabbit sugo with tomatoes, garlic, shallots, asparagus and bacon
- Keith: rabbit three ways — herb-seared tenderloin, chicken fried rabbit with potato hash, braised rabbit confit. It looks nom nom nom.
- Edward: butter poached rabbit with butternut squash puree
- Janine: rabbit three ways — bacon-rabbit nugget over corn grits, white asparagus with rack of rabbit, loin saltimboccoa with mushroom hash
- Chuy: adobo-marinated loin with cashew pipian, queso fresco, and grilled zucchini
- Chris C.: rabbit two ways — confit leg and butter-seared tenderloin over carrot polenta
- Ty-lör (a big fat WTF to that spelling): confit leg with pickled pepper cucumber with tomatoes in fish sauce
- Dakota: roasted rabbit saddle crepinettes white asparagus, leeks, and mushrooms with cocoa-vinegar bulgar wheat. Oh. That’s less gross than what I was picturing.

Must cook again: Edward, Janine. In: Chris C., Kieth, Whitney, Dakota, Chuy, and Ty-lör.

Oh, Top Chef. How I have missed thee!

Project Runway, 10/20/11

Part one of the finale, in which Tim Gunn gets all up in the designers’ biz, yo. This shall be short and sweet, cuz 1. next week’s will be pretty long-winded and 2. there’s never much to say about part one of the finale. It always feels so in-betweeny. Someone will have his or her dreams crushed, and then Fashion Week for the final three! Let’s get to it.

They never show you enough of the clothes during the Tim Visits to get a good idea of what the collection ultimately will look like. I like the Tim Visits just cuz we get to get all up in the designers’ biz. Like, see their homes and families and pix of them when they were kids. I’m nosy — I mean, curious, so I enjoy that.

Kim lost her mom, bro, and stepdad, you’ll recall, so I’m glad to see her surrounded by friends and a sister and an adorable little niece. She says she hopes to win to honor her mom and cuz she’d be proud to be the first African American to win Project Runway. MAKE HISTORY, GIRLFRIEND!!!!! Anya talks about how her brother Pilar who died at 18 inspires her. She hasn’t actually made any clothes yet, which worries Tim greatly, but we all know Anya’s a good last-minuter. Her fabrics are quite pretty. Speaking of pretty, oh my god. What I saw of Trinidad & Tobago was goooooorgeous. I’m not at all big on traveling, but I MUST VISIT THERE.

Viktor is calling his collection “Urban Coast.” Serving as his inspiration are pictures he took while in Guadalajara for the anniversary of his brother’s death. (Jesus! :( THREE dead brothers.) Joshua has 507 garish fabrics. Tim says it’s gimmicky, says one dress in particular makes him want to weep, asks where’s the sex, says there’s too much happening. After what Joshua’s been putting out all season, that’s pretty much exactly how I was expecting his Tim Visit to go.

Everyone arrives in NY. Tim tells them to select three pieces to show. I liked Viktor’s and Anya’s, and I hated Josh’s and (this hurts!!!) Kimberly’s. :( :( :( :( And the person going home is … Anya. Dammit, that means Josh and Viktor are in the finale — but also that history could potentially be made. Go Kimberly! Oh -- and go Anya, too! She wasn't sent home. All four are showing at Fashion Week. YAY! This ups the chances that Viktor or Josh will lose. Please let them lose.