Spartacus: Sacramentum, 3/9/2012

It was a dark and stormy night.

On a slaveship, Agron and Lucius give the captain some money to let them take a gander at his stock before auction. They go below; Sparty and a few others sneak aboard and take out the guards. Down in the hold, all the slaves are Agron's people. Luck! He strikes up a conversation in his native tongue with one of the dudes, tells him he’ll soon be free. Unfortch, one of the guards speaks the language too, overhears, and attacks. After a brief battle, which Sparty et al. easily win with the help of the slaves, the captain and guards are killed and the slaves are freed. They are happy to take up the task of killing Romans. Sparty tells Agron it’s fortunate they just happened to be Agron’s peeps. Agron says yes, since now they’ll outnumber the Gauls. Sparty looks worried. Yeah, he should be, because Crixus and Agron’s feud is going to continue being a problem.

In the marketplace, Gannicus (Yay, Gannicus!) tries to collect from the magistrate the fee he was promised for being hired to kill Oenomaus, Crixus, and Other Guy in the arena. The magistrate says since he didn’t actually kill them, he won’t be paid, then relents and gives him a few measly coins, then tells him to take the matter up with Glaber. Who is just a few feet away, yelling about how Sparty killed Albinius, and now Seppius’s slaves killed Seppius then ran off to join Sparty. (Liar, liar, robes on fire.) A wooden cross is brought in. Glaber announces that any slaves heard discussing Sparty will be killed, even slaves of prators. Glaber then orders one of Ilithya’s slaves seized and put on the cross. A shocked Ilithya has no idea what’s going on. Glaber grandly announces that the girl was overheard praising the actions of Seppius’s slaves … by Ilithya herself. The girl looks desperately at Ilithya, hoping she will speak the truth and save her life. YEAH RIGHT. Ilithya follows Lucretia’s whispered advice and is all like, yep, she totally said it. As the poor girl screams in agony as her wrists and ankles are nailed to the cross, Ashur and Gannicus, who both know this is a big bunch of bullshit, lock eyes. Ashur, who is an asshole, grins; Gannicus, who actually has a conscious and a soul, turns and leaves, disgusted. Damn right. Never mind about asking Glaber the Murderous Lying Prick for money. Those few coins’ll have to do.


At the temple, gladiator training is in full swing. And I am only too happy to see Neavia practice-sparring with Crixus. Do it, homegirl! Nasir tells Mira that Naevia is blessed to be loved so deeply. As Sparty loves Mira. But Mira looks troubled; she knows Sparty cares for her, but doesn’t love her like he loved his wife. (Hmmm … is this going to be a problem later? I hope not.) A bandaged Oenomaus (Yay, Oenomaus!) is up and walking around. Sparty and Agron return just then. Nasir and Agron smooch hello. Most are happy to see the new recruits, but Crixus questions whether they’ll follow Sparty or Agron.

At the crib, Ashur is getting dressed after having sex with Lucretia. Yuck. He’s apparently now forcing her to come to him regularly. And making her call him dominus. (You could argue that she’s lucky. After all, she forced her slaves to have sex with man after man after man ad infinitum; however, she has to be repeatedly raped by only one guy.) Ashur tells her he has a gift for her. He digs through a chest full of treasure to find it. Lucretia asks him how he came by all that; he says he took it from dead (read: murdered) people. (Which means Seppius’s bracelet is in there!) I was hoping he’d at least be a slightly less douchebag rapist and give her something valuable? Nope. He’s totally a full douchebag rapist: he gives her a red wig and tells her since her dead husband liked to see her wear red wigs, she will now wear it for Ashur. Oh well, she deserves it. (SHE DOES! Don’t you feel sorry for Lucretia. She made her slaves have sex with Quintus, Crixus have sex with her, Melita have sex with Gannicus, Neavia have sex with Ashur, Naevia’s friend have sex with so many dudes the poor girl lost her effing mind, Sparty have sex with Ilithya, Mira have sex with Sparty, ect, ect, ECT. Don’t you dare feel sorry for Lucretia!!! Ashur’s an asshole, yes, but he’s merely the instrument of her comeuppance.) Seppius’s men arrive, Glaber has them swear allegiance to him. He asks Seppia to stay in Capua with him, she agrees and kisses his cheek, they walk off arm in arm. Ilithya tells (redheaded) Lucretia that if this is all life has to hold, she’d rather be dead. How quickly she has forgotten that merely days ago, she was the one shamelessly flirting with someone else as her spouse could do nothing but jealously watch.

Sparty confronts Agron about the influx of his peeps. Agron admits that there were two other slaveships, but one was from Damascus, and everybody knows Damascans are of low quality (Oh, like totally.), and the other was filled with Gauls, and he’ll be a monkey’s uncle if he brought a bunch of Gauls back. Sparty says Agron should have told him that, and Crixus is a Gaul but also a very honorable man. Sparty says he’ll take the newcomers hunting in the morning to replenish the supply of meat they’ve depleted (and probably to test their skills, I would think), and could Agron please tell the bilingual ones to speak English? Agron promises him that his peeps will prove their worth.

At his favorite whorehouse, a glum Gannicus sits sipping wine. Pretty Whore approaches and asks about Sparty; he hushes her lest she get herself crucified. She says she’s not the only one talking about Sparty. Gannicus turns the conversation to lighter subjects, like how he’d like to have a go with her but is too low on funds. Pretty Whore takes the words right out of my mouth and says he can get it for free. (Hell, I'd pay HIM.) I’m all prepped and ready for yet another fabulous Gannicus sex scene—alas, Ashur enters then and shoos Pretty Whore away (Dammit.) because Glaber wants a chat with Gannicus. Back at the crib, Glaber says he’s surprised Gannicus hadn’t yet stopped by. Gannicus says nothing but a laconic “Apologies.” Allow me to give you the long version: “You’re a murdering, duplicitous piece of shit, Glaber, and I want nothing to do with the likes of you, and I sure as hell did not want to return to the house where I was once a slave, and see Lucretia, who forced me to screw my best friend’s wife. Plus, I hate Romans. But here I am to keep the peace. Apologies to my many brethren who fell here.” That’s what Gannicus meant, see. Glaber gives Gannicus his rudus, the proof of his freedom, that he lost in the arena, tells him that he’d like Gannicus to join with Glaber’s men and he’ll give him a few days to think about it. Gannicus leaves; Glaber tells Ashur to have him followed and if he tries to leave, have him crucified. (I’m not worried. Gannicus is no dummy.)

Lucretia goes to see Ilithya, tells her that they must do something drastic to get to Glaber. She pulls out a knife, slits her wrist, tells Ilithya to lift her dress. A soldier reports to Glaber about a slaveship found emptied of slaves and with its crew dead; Glaber sends men to see if anyone saw where the slaves headed. Then a “bloody” Ilithya stumbles in and falls to the floor, and a “surprised” Lucretia (with a beautifully bandaged wrist) rushes to her side and says it’s a sign from the gods that Glaber’s heir will not survive if it remains in a cursed city. Glaber says he’ll have her rushed back to Rome as soon as she’s able, and Lucretia must accompany her. But Ashur, who is not about to lose his rape victim, reminds Glaber what a symbol of hope Lucretia is to the city. Glaber agrees and says Lucretia should stay. Not that I feel sorry for Lucretia!!!!, but girl, just kill Ashur and say he tried to get you to leave with him to go join Sparty. You’re a devious bitch. So be devious, bitch.


At the temple, Sparty asks Oenomaus to put his Doctore hat back on and train the slaves, Oenomaus agrees. Sparty stands to leave, says he’ll help soon as they all get back from hunting. Crixus and Lucius rush up just then to tell them that Agron and peeps are all gone. I’m not worried. First, Agron is a totally upstanding kind of guy. Second, Nasir isn’t gone, right? Then Agron’ll be right back. Because Agron + Nasir totally = love. Oh, see, I was right. Fresh from a hunt, they come back laden with fresh meat … and wine bags. Sparty and Crixus are mad that they attacked a wagon, as such an action may betray their location. Agron says let the Romans come, Sparty says they’re not yet ready for a direct attack, Crixus says a child could see that. Agron spits the usual Gaul insult at him, then apologizes to Sparty for leaving without him.

In the marketplace, Lucretia is busy blessing the people when she spies Gannicus walking along in the distance. He stops to look at all the slaves who have been crucified—and realizes that one of them is Pretty Whore. :( Lucretia approaches, asks if he knew her, points out Ashur’s man following him (Why the hell did you pick Tattooed Face Guy for this, Ashur? It’s not like he can blend in well.), and warns Gannicus that if he tries to leave he will be killed. He asks does she want him to turn on his brothers? She says no, she wants him to kill Glaber. Oooooh! She tells him that half of Glaber’s personal guard is leaving tonight to see Ilithya safely to Rome; she can distract the rest. Kill Glaber, Lucretia says, or see many more die. Like Pretty Whore. :( Later, at the crib, as Ilithya’s carriage is made ready, Lucretia whispers to her that Gannicus is going to kill Glaber that very night, and as soon as he does, she’s going to sound the alarm and have Gannicus caught and killed. Pleased to hear this, Ilithya kisses Glaber goodbye, smiles gratefully at Lucretia, and gets in the carriage. Watching from the balcony, Seppia smiles as she sees Ilithya leave.

At the temple, the newcomers are engaged in revelry: wrestling, vigorous sex, singing, drinking. Nasir and Agron (Told you!) sit laughing together. Crixus is scowling; Naevia tells him to quit being a party pooper. Sparty’s scowling too; Mira tells him sometimes lighthearted fun is just what people need. Hell, even Oenomaus is enjoying himself. Sparty acquiesces and joins the little short muscular one for a drink. Then, uh oh. One of the news tries to rape Naevia. She grabs a knife and stabs him in the side. YAY! Unfortch, dude is like 8 feet tall and the knife is seriously like one damn inch; he plucks it out as if it’s a splinter, knocks her to the ground, and advances on her. Agron interrupts (Told you he was an upstanding guy!); the big guy starts beating him up. Crixus, assuming they’re just horsing around, laughs to see them fighting—until a bloodied Naevia tells him what happened. He tackles Big and starts choking him. Then the little short muscular one tackles Crixus. Then Nasir and his crew rush to Agron’s defense, and suddenly it’s an all-out news vs. olds brawl. Even Mira’s getting fighty, with a blonde chick. (For the record, I seriously effing love Mira.) Sparty and Oenomaus try to calm things down but get sucked into the battle. Big grabs a sword and is about to send Agron to the afterlife; Sparty whips out his sword, blocks the blow, then SLICES OFF BIG’S FACE. (Ooooooooh, 500 bad ass points!) The fighting stops as Big's body crashes to the ground. A furious Sparty yells at the new peeps. This is how they repay him for their freedom? If they can’t stand with him as brother, they need to gtfo. Agron yells that he stands with Sparty. Pause, as everyone waits to see what the news are going to do. Then the little short muscular one grabs a sword and shield and says in broken English that it took a great warrior to kill Big, and he stands with Sparty. The others are in agreement.

That night, Lucretia goes to Glaber’s chambers and whispers something to the guard outside, who leaves. Someone approaches a sleeping Glaber—oh, crap. It’s just Seppia. They’re having some intense sex when the guard returns to tell him there’s a pressing matter. Out on the road, Ilithya’s carriage sits bloody and still, mutilated and murdered soldiers all around it. Glaber opens the carriage, expecting to find dead Lucretia; instead he finds dead Tattooed Face Guy, with Gannicus’s rudus sticking out of his throat. Sooooo … Gannicus attacked the carriage instead of the house. Good call, as it saved his life. But why even bother? After killing Tattooed Face Guy, he was free to leave. And why kidnap Ilithya? That'll just piss Glaber off. (Fyi: Ilithya is so not dead. Gannicus is not a killer of pregnant women.)