Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Spartacus: Chosen Path, 3/2/2012

Carrying an unconscious Oenomaus, Agron, Crixus, Sparty, Mira, and Gannicus et al. return to the temple. Agron announces they burned the arena down and killed a bunch of Romans; there are cheers. Agron and Nasir smooch hello. THEN OH MY GOD CRIXUS AND NAEVIA ARE REUNITED, YAY! Later, Sparty and Mira find Gannicus, tell him Oenomaus will be ok and will live to fight again. Gannicus says they have no hope against the might of Rome, and the only reason he helped was because he owed Oenomaus, not because he believes in their cause. He walks away; Mira says he can’t be trusted and they should have killed him in the arena; Sparty says maybe he’ll come around, like Nasir did.

At the crib, a list of Albinius’s possessions is being read. Glaber says just sell everything and use the money as a reward to capture Sparty. Ilithya is crying her eyes out; Glaber asks her what I’m wondering: if she’s upset because her dad’s dead or upset because she now can’t marry Virinius. She tearfully says she made a mistake, and the gods punished her by killing her dad. WHATEVER. What she means is that now that Virinius is a no-go and her powerful father is gone, Glaber will have to do. Wisely, Glaber isn’t falling for it. He tells her the only reason he hasn’t killed her is she’s pregsies with his child, and she best keep it alive. Or else. A small horde of soldiers returns; Glaber questions why they are so few in number. A captain dude tells him many have deserted, believing that Sparty has the gods on his side, but reinforcements are coming. Ashur says it doesn’t matter how many soldiers come; the gladiators are better trained at fighting than the soldiers and will win. Glaber gives Ashur a sword and orders him to prove it. I’m a little worried—After the injury which left him hobbled for a lengthy period, Ashur didn’t do much gladiating; plus it’s like five against one. But Ashur is victorious. A very impressed Glaber agrees to let Ashur gather a crew of former gladiators.

Lucretia visits with a freshly haircutted and shaved Ashur—Gosh, he’s actually rather handsome.—as he prepares to leave to see to the task. She asks him how Glaber came to know about Ilithya’s Baby-B-Gone juice. He says he told Glaber about it to gain favor. Lucretia slaps him and starts to threaten him, but Ashur’s not taking commands from a deposed domina anymore. He shoves her against a wall and tells her he’s Glaber’s man now, and he could easily tell Glaber that she knew about the Baby-B-Gone juice. Then he rapes her. And after all the slaves Lucretia ordered raped, I feel not one ounce of pity for her. To underscore that point, we cut to Crixus and Naevia trying to have some hot reunion sex, but Naevia can’t do it because she’s too sexually traumatized. :(

Glannicus sits with a still-unconscious Oenomaus. Blondie approaches and offers him a great big helping of her, but he’s not interested; he just wants to talk to Oenomaus. Lucius, Agron, and Mira (I love that a woman is in on the planning.) are discussing next steps. The slave-to-gladiator ratio among their number is unfavorable; Sparty tells Agron to hit up the coastal town nearby to find trained former slaves to join the cause.

In a whorehouse, two men have a drunken brawl. After one beats and stomps the other to death, Ashur approaches to recruit him. You gotta hand it to Ashur for being so resourceful; no high and mighty prator or captain would lower himself to recruit in such places. At the crib, Lucretia sits in the bath, staring morosely. Ilithya, also down in the dumps, joins her and bemoans her sad life. Lucretia advises her to play the part of loving wife, make Glaber believe she loves him. Then once his guard is down, they can strike. Ilithya tells Lucretia that Lucretia is her only friend in the world right now. Lucretia promises never to leave her. LUCRETIA IS SO UP TO SOMETHING!!!!

Sparty asks Crixus his opinion of Gannicus—Crixus says Gannicus is an upstanding chap and Sparty should try to convince him to join their cause.—then Sparty tells everyone to start preparing for the inevitable retaliation from Rome: learning to fight/shoot a bow and arrow, fashioning weapons, digging escape tunnels. Crixus, still mad because Agron lied and told him Naevia was dead, picks a fight with him; they come to blows, Sparty breaks it up. Agron leaves for the coast. Sparty asks Gannicus to join him hunting. They chat, but it doesn’t accomplish much. I’m thinking Gannicus needs absolution from Oenomaus before he can do anything. Naevia brings Crixus water, asks him to lay off Agron … because maybe leaving her in the mines would have been the right thing to do. :(

Back at the crib, Seppius is ranting because Glaber wants to have a prayer ceremony to appeal the gods; Seppius says Glaber should skip the spiritual crap and just order his men to go hunt Sparty. Glaber suggests that their men join forces. Seppius says he’ll need to consult with Virinius; Glaber snaps that Virinius is busy fleeing back to Rome and doesn’t give an eff about the goings-on in Capua. Seppius says he’ll think about it. Lucretia whispers to Ilithya that words from “loving sister” may help. (OMG gross. Everybody knows Seppius and Seppia are Team Incest. Gross.) Ilithya asks Seppius if Seppia can come for a visit? Seppius agrees. Ok, has anyone else noticed the change in Glaber? Not that he’s ever been loveable, but he’s gone from just entirely unlikable to downright not-all-there. Look. At. His. Eyes. You can see the crazy! Seppius, you might wanna do what he says? Just a thought.

In some prison somewhere, Ashur adds a large Egyptian killer to his not-very-merry band. In the woods, Lucius gives archery lessons to a group which includes Mira, who observes Blondie being rejected (again). She advises Blondie to stop sleeping with everybody to try to gain favor and get it for herself. Back from town, Agron informs Sparty that a ship carrying lots of slaves will be arriving in two weeks … and that there’s a nine thousand denari reward for any information about Sparty’s whereabouts. Gannicus returns from the woods with a big ass boar, chats with Crixus as he guts it. Gannicus says they should stop following Sparty before he gets them all killed. Then Gannicus is told that Oenomaus has awakened. They speak but not much comes of it; Oenomaus is hurt, angry, and in no mood to forgive. (I wish Gannicus had explained that the affair with Melita started because Lucretia made them have sex. That would've counted for something.)

At the crib, Seppia is crying with Ilithya and Lucretia about the horrors she witnessed in the arena. I roll my eyes. Her slave-raping friend’s death is a horror, yet watching slaves forced to fight each other to brutal and bloody death day after day is entertainment? Anyway, then Seppia says she’s no dummy and she knows Ilithya wants her to get her brother to join forces with Glaber. Glaber enters; he and Ilithya and Lucretia are all like yeah, yeah, you found us out. Now will you do it? That way we can get Sparty! Seppia’s all like, ok. Then she and Glaber to share a rather flirtatious glance; Ilithya and Lucretia notice. Ashur returns; reports to Glaber that the men he’s recruited are ready.

Naevia sits staring at Crixus’s sword. (Oh my god if she kills herself, I am going to travel back in time and beat Lucretia to death, then travel forward, then travel back and do it again.) Crixus grabs her and is all like, don't do this; we can go away. She says there's nowhere she can go that memory won't follow. Oh no. This is sounding ominous. Oh—whew! She doesn’t want to suicidify; she wants Crixus to teach her how to fight. YAY! Suddenly there’s an uproar; everyone has discovered that all their money and the map containing battle plans are missing: someone has betrayed them. In what has to be the most ill-timed exit in history, Gannicus decides to leave just then, so of course everyone thinks he’s the Benedict Arnold. But, thanks to a quick close-up of a guilty-looking Blondie, we know she’s the guilty one. Gannicus is all like, I didn’t do shit; get out of my way. Nobody does. He and Sparty spar. Boy, is it a great battle. It’s raining, their glistening physiques are a sight to behold, the manly swordplay is thrilling—what I’m trying to say is that I was hella turned on. Just as I was about to start making out with my pillow, Mira kills the mood by grabbing a bow and arrow and shooting Blondie through the heart, bringing the fight to an abrupt halt. Lucius makes me ROFL with his very pleased, teacherly “A fine shot.” No, not “Why the crap did you do that?” or “Omg holy shit what the hell, Mira?” Nope. Just, “A fine shot.” Ha ha! Anyway, Mira had seen Blondie trying to slip away and realized she must’ve been the thief. She finds the map in Blondie’s pocket … then makes me EPICALLY RE-ROFL when she says, “I meant only to wound.” Haaaaa ha ha haaaa ha ha haa haaaaa! Since he’s an upstanding kind of guy, Sparty apologizes to Gannicus, who isn’t even mad, just wants to leave. He goes. I has a sad. :( But hey, since they didn't kill him off, maybe this means he’ll be back in later episodes!

Cut to: Ashur’s band of murderous, dastardly fiends laying waste to a random house full of soldiers and slaves. Wow, that big Egyptian is scarily efficient at the task. After the carnage is complete, Glaber tells Ashur he’s pleased with their performance. Oh wait, there’s one slave still barely alive, trying to crawl away. Gasp! That’s not a slave, and this isn’t a random house. It’s Seppius! Ok, Glaber’s just killing for no good reason at this point. You could argue that killing his father-in-law saved his marriage and unborn child, but killing Seppius? Whom Seppia was going to convince to support Glaber? This is just payback because Seppius was annoying, lol. Anyway, Glaber tells Seppius he can die knowing his beloved sister will be safe under Glaber’s roof with his hands to comfort her (OMG gross. Everybody knows Seppius and Seppia are Team Incest. Gross.), breaks Seppius’s neck, then leaves. Ashur slips in, removes Seppius’s very distinctive bracelet, and slips out.

Glaber has now killed two people—and somehow, I doubt he’s finished. You totally know he’s planning to off Ilithya soon as she gives birth. Proof: he’s already set eyes on a future wife. Random: note how Ashur has come full circle. He was once assisting Batiatus with political assassinations; now he’s assisting Glaber with them.

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