The Walking Dead: Arrow on the Doorpost, 3/10/13

Rick and Hershel in the car, Daryl on his motorcycle, they approach a run-down farm. Rick and Daryl leave Hershel to keep watch in the car with his awesome hip holster gun and the one of new rifles. They’re pretty bad ass rifles, but still. Hershel???? Why not Maggie or Glenn or Merle? Or hell, Beth or Carol OR SOMEBODY WHO CAN WALK? Anyhoo, Rick and Daryl go noiselessly sneaking around, eventually approach a barn, and split up. Rick enters and comes face to face with … Guv. Ohhhhhh. That’s why Hershel. Maggie and Glenn don’t need to be anywhere near Maggie’s almost-rapist, and seeing Merle might get Guv riled up. Dammit, T Dog, why’d you have to die? You'd’ve been ideal for this. :(  Anyhoo, Daryl peeps in a window, sneaks away. Guv holds up his hands, (“Kill him!” I shriek.), then makes a big show of removing his weapon, asks Rick to do the same. Rick merely holsters his gun. Good call, cuz Guv then sits at a table to which a gun has been strapped.

Outside, Martinez, Andrea, and Milton arrive. Daryl wants to know why Guv is already inside, information Andrea is surprised and annoyed to hear, cuz that apparently wasn’t her plan. She enters, again asks Rick and Guv to end this so no one else has to die. Back outside, the boys are having a pissing contest. Daryl calls Milton the “butler” (which actually makes Martinez [and me] laugh), Milton calls Daryl a henchman, Daryl tells Milton to watch his mouth, Martinez tells Daryl to shut up. They get in each other’s faces; Hershel basically tells them all to grow up; they step off. We LODs (Lovers of Daryl) laugh at the stupidity of Martinez, to actually think he would have won that fight. Back at the prison, the others are arming themselves and distributing/stockpiling ammo. Merle says what they need to do is load up, drive to the rendezvous, and kill Guv. Michonne reminds him they promised Rick and Daryl they’d stay put; Carl and Glenn tell Merle no. Carl and Glenn as de facto leaders: like!

In the barn, Andrea’s trying to peace talk; Guv cuts her off. Rick says he knows what Guv did to Maggie; Andrea looks confused. Rick shows Guv a map, suggests they both agree to boundary lines that will never be crossed. Guv says no; an angry Rick says to Andrea she’d told him Guv was ready to talk. He and Rick order Andrea outside so they can get down to business. And she goes. ::sigh:: Season 2 Andrea had it out with Lori when Lori said Andrea should help cook and clean, yet Season 3 Andrea is ok with being bossed around? Andrea as doormat: dislike. So, Guv blames the whole Glenn-Maggie thing on Merle, saying he misjudged Merle, much like Rick misjudged Shane. He compliments Rick for caring for a baby that might not be his. LOW BLOW. Then he cheerfully offers whiskey.

Outside, a gaggle of walkers approaches. Daryl and Martinez again turn it into a pissing contest, taking turns showily killing. Andrea rolls her eyes and leaves them to it, haha. Afterward, they share a smoke … and their belief that the Rick-Guv Peace Treaty Attempt is going to be a big fat fail. Outside the barn, Milton and Hershel sit chatting. (Time out. I dig Hershel’s ponytail. It makes him look like a founding father. Time back in.) Milton is intrigued that the leg amputation kept Hershel from getting zombied, asks to see the stump. Hershel says, “At least buy me a drink first.” They chuckle. It’s not lost on me that all this temporary camaraderie just goes to show that if not for Guv being a misguided self-important insane loser douche, everybody would be living in perfect harmony. In honor of that, I’m just going to leave this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib-Qiyklq-Q. In the barn, Guv tells Rick a sob story about losing his (Guv’s) wife. Which I don’t believe for a second. Andrea told Guv about Judith maybe being Shane’s baby; no doubt she also told him about Rick losing Lori, and now Guv’s playing on that emotion to soften Rick up. At the prison, Merle loads a bag with guns and ammo and tries to head out. Glenn blocks the way. They start fighting. Merle pins Glenn; Maggie and Michonne jump in, grabbing his knife arm and chokeholding him. The three of them, with their barely restrained Merle hatred, totally would have murdered his one-armed ass right then and there, but, POW! Beth, who is totally following Carl into the Junior Bad Ass League, fires a shot into the ceiling, breaking it up.

Outside the barn, Hershel crutches over to Andrea, who asks what happened with Maggie. Hershel just says that Guv’s a sick man. An answer that vague can mean any number of things, none of them good. “I can’t go back there,” Andrea says. Has she come to her senses? Inside, Guv tells Rick he knows Rick acquired a good stash of guns the other day (Damn. Dude’s got spies everywhere.) and though his people aren’t combat-tested like Rick’s, there are more of them, and the fight will last til the last man—but Rick can make it all go away. Guv removes his patch to reveal his ruined eye, says he’ll back off if Rick will hand over Michonne. Whoa! So that's the real purpose of this meeting. Guv is hopping mad about being de-eyed and wants to, slowly and painfully of course, kill Michonne. Which, yeah, is SO RIDICULOUS. Since we've known him, Guv's had like twenty people taken out, faux-raped Maggie, had Glenn beaten almost unrecognizable, tried to kill everyone at the prison, and sent Merle to murder Michonne (thus facilitating the loss of his eye). And all that's ok ... but Michonne making him a little less pretty means SHE MUST HORRIBLY DIE, apparently. ::eye roll:: Hey Guv, megalomaniacal sociopath much?

At the prison, Merle tries to convince Michonne to go with him to kill Guv; she turns him down. Outside—YAYYYYYYY!— Glenn and Maggie chat and FINALLY reconcile. He apologizes for making the aftermath of her almost-assault all about him; they hug and smooch. ::cheering:: (Now if Daryl and Carol would for pete’s sake get it on already, I will be a happy fan.) Then they sneak inside for some quick make-up sex, and. It. Is. So. Hot. (Just so I won’t have to worry about this, I’m just going to pretend they totally use condoms, and Maggie is not going to get pregnantized and then die in childbirth like Lori.) Back at the barn, Rick asks if a dumb vendetta isn’t beneath Guv? Guv simply repeats his offer and gives Rick two days to think about it, says he’ll be back at the barn then at noon. Meeting over. They head outside … and Andrea gets in the truck and leaves with Guv. ::beating head into wall:: Back at Woodbury, Guv surprises NONE OF US when he orders Martinez to have men positioned all around the barn, and when Rick et al. arrive with Michonne, kill everybody but keep her alive. Uncomfortable with that, Milton says it’s a slaughter. Guv says they were going to have to kill Rick sooner or later. Guv thanks Andrea for setting up the meeting, tells her he gave Rick some terms to consider. “What terms?” she asks, he doesn’t answer. “Hope it works out,” she says coolly, then walks off. Well, she didn’t leave, but I think (hope) it’s safe to say Andrea is over Guv.

Back at the prison, Rick tells the group only that Guv wants them all dead, and they’re going to war. Later, he confides to Hershel that the offer was Michonne-for-peace. “He’ll kill her,” Hershel says. Rick nods. “And then kill us anyway.” But then Rick questions what if maybe possibly Guv’ll keep his word? HE WON’T, RICK. Hershel reminds Rick that Michonne told them about the Maggie-Glenn kidnapping and has saved many lives. Including his (Hershel's). Rick says yeah, he’s hoping Hershel can talk him out of handing her over. As are we all. Michonne is “one of us,” Carl said.

The Walking Dead: Sick, 10/21/12

Daryl orders the prisoners to come out, hands up, as the post-amputation scurry to save Hershel’s life continues. Rick says they need to get him back to the others. Glen finds a gurney to put him on. Theodore opens the cafeteria doors and kills the one zombie that enters. (Wait wtf? Last week a friggin’ horde was outside the doors. It’s only been like two minutes; where’d they go? Continuity FAIL.) They wheel Hershel back the way they came, leaving Danny Trejo, Wyatt Earp, LL Cool J, Little One, and Big One (We never learn the prisoners’ names, ok?), who were expecting a rescue party, standing there hella confused. Eventually, they figure it out and follow. Rick et al. arrive at the cell block. Carol takes over (Omg, I like her so much more this season.) with Hershel, barking orders to get anything that could be used for a bandage, bring pillows to elevate the leg, and don’t do anything crazy to try to stop the bleeding cuz the shock could kill Hershel. Meanwhile, Danny Trejo et al. arrive in the outer area of the cell block, get in a shouting match with Daryl and Theodore, who won’t let them in. After instructing Glenn not to leave Hershel’s side (Read: kill Hershel if he turns.), Rick rushes back to the prisoners, breaks up the fight and informs the clueless bunch that the world as they knew it is no more. They don’t believe him. Rick, Daryl, and Theodore take them outside and show them the zombies, explain what happened, tell them they’re all infected. The prisoners decide they want to stay. Danny and Rick get into a turf war argument. Finally, it’s agreed that in exchange for half the food in the cafeteria, Rick et al. will help Danny et al. clear another cell block to live in.

Glenn sends a distraught Maggie to check on Beth, who’s busy tearing fabric off all of Hershel’s pants so he can walk one-legged in them. Atta girl, Beth! Keep the faith and stay positive. (Also, could you two sing again at some point this season? That was cool.) Rick and Theodore arrive with food. Lori asks about the prisoners; Rick tells her about their agreement. She says don’t hesitate to kill them if he sees fit. Rick says exactly what I’m thinking: “Yeah, you say that now.” In other words, she’s told him to do what he feels necessary before; then when he did it (Killed Shane.), she turned on him. Lori assures him that she knows there’s no malice in his heart and he doesn’t kill just for the sheer joy of life-taking, that he should do whatever he needs to do with a clear conscience. (I’d like to stop here and make two predictions: #1 Rick and Lori are eventually going to reconcile. #2. Rick is going to kill Danny Trejo.) Maggie asks for a few minutes alone with handcuffed-to-the-bed, still-unconscious Hershel; Carol and Glenn leave. Maggie tells her Dad that if it’s too hard to fight, he can let go, then cries on his chest. :( Rick, Daryl, and Theodore hand out weapons and give a crash course in How to Kill The Undead, stressing that Danny et al. don’t make noise, don’t break formation, and aim for the head. They head off into the prison, find some zombies—and the prisoners yell and scream, bumrush the zombies, and start shanking them in the gut. ROFLLLLLL. Rick, Daryl, and Theodore just watch with priceless expressions of incredulity on their faces. I totally have to rewind and watch that bit again. LOL.

As Maggie, Beth, Carol, Lori, and Glenn sit with still-unconscious Hershel, Carl saunters in with a duffel bag full of bandages, bottles of peroxide, and such. He casually announces that he found the infirmary, cleared it out, and oh yeah, killed a couple zombies on the way there and back. Lori, of course, is all like OMFG you can’t just go running off like that; Carl’s all like WTF lady get off my back; Beth’s all like STFU Carl you can’t talk to your mother like that. (I like Beth.) Pissed, Carl runs off … and shockingly, nobody follows him to make sure he’s not going back into zombie territory. (Again—I don’t understand the Carl-Lori feud. At the end of last season, as Rick ranted about how this was no longer a democracy, Carl was crying in Lori’s arms. So what happened? Puberty?) Carol asks Glenn to help her go do something. He’s hesitant to leave Hershel, but Beth, Maggie, and Lori assure him they’ll be ok. Outside, Carol explains that as she’s now the de facto ob-gyn, she needs to practice giving a C-section. (And I'm briefly mad at Lori all over again, cuz she didn't just get preggo, she got preggo knowing full well she couldn't give birth the normal, non-surgery-required way.) Glenn distracts a gaggle of zombies while Carol kills a female one and drags it inside the fence.

Rick and the others find another group of zombies. This time, the prisoners fight as instructed. Alas, Big One gets deep, bloody, zombie scratches on his shoulder. Little One and Wyatt Earp yell at Rick to help Big. Rick says there’s nothing he can do. Danny beats Big to death. Whoa! The group moves on … as Daryl and Rick, disturbed by the fact that Danny totally looked like he did that just for the sheer joy of life-taking, whisper to each other that at the first sign of trouble, they’ll take him out. They reach the cell block, hear a horde of zombies behind the double door entrance. Rick instructs Danny to open one door. Danny not only opens both, releasing the entire almost-too-big-to-control horde, but he also during the melee throws a zombie onto Rick. It knocks him down; Daryl kills it and helps Rick up. Once all the zombies are dead, Rick and Danny stand there sizing each other up for a few seconds—then Ricks swings a machete and lands it in Danny’s head. (Big’s ghost: “Thanks, Rick.) Little takes off running; Rick chases. At gunpoint and at bow and arrowpoint, Daryl and Theodore order LL Cool J and Wyatt Earp down onto their knees. Wyatt, who doesn’t just look but also sounds the part, drawls, “We don’t have no ‘filiation what just happened! Tell 'em, Oscar!” LL—I mean, Oscar just advises him to stop talking. Rick chases Little out into a zombie-filled section of the prison yard, closes the door, and lets the zombies get him.

Maggie, Beth, and Carl (Whew!) sit with Hershel. He stops breathing. Beth freaks, yells for help. Lori comes in, gives Hershel CPR. I admire her willingness to breathe into his might-be-a-zombie mouth. Breath, breath, chest pump, chest pump, breath, brea—ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! Hershel rises from the dead and grabs her!!! Oh. Wait. He’s still alive; he just woke up from his near-death experience all super dramatically then passed back out. I pause the episode, change my underwear, and continue.

Rick’s about to shoot Wyatt, who drawls that he and Oscar aren’t bad people, please let them live. Rick turns the gun on Oscar, asks what he has to say. Oscar says he’s not begging for his life. (Yeah, Rick. If you’re gonna kill ‘em, just kill ‘em. Don’t needlessly draw this shit out.) Wyatt’s begging worked; Rick, Theodore, and Daryl lead them into the now de-zombied cell block and lock them safely in. Rick, Theodore, and Daryl get back to their cell block just in time to catch Hershel waking up. YAY!!!! Carol misses it cuz she’s outside going full med student on the zombie corpse … as someone watches her from the trees outside the fence. (Omg, who dat? Who dat?) Lori and Rick chat. He puts a hand on her shoulder, tells her that for the record he doesn’t think she’s a bad mother, and thanks her for saving Hershel.

Yes, that was brusque, and then he just walked off, but hey. Baby steps, people. They’ll be sneaking off to the showers for some hot prison sex in no time. *fingers crossed*

The Walking Dead: Seed, 10/14/12

Rick, Theodore, Carl, and Daryl enter a farmhouse, take out all the zombies inside. Maggie and Glenn join them; everyone searches for supplies. Beth, Carol, Hershel, and a suuuuuuuuper preggo Lori enter. (The gang’s all here. Hi guys!) Alas, there’s nothing but a couple cans of pet food and an owl Darryl shoots, plus zombies are all over the place outside, plus farmhouses are, like, so Season 2. So everyone gets in their cars, and the group drives off. On the highway, they stop to consult maps and chat about what to do next. Rick tells Carl to stand watch. (So I guess we’re officially done treating Carl like a 5-year-old. Yay!)

The separate zombie herds the group’s been running from all winter might converge, at which point they’ll become too large to avoid. Rick, who wants to find somewhere they can hole up so Lori can give birth, suggests heading west. Everyone agrees to this. Theodore and others head to the river to re-fill water bottles; Daryl and Rick head into the woods to hunt … and see, off in the distance, a prison. To Rick, judging by the expression on his face, it’s the Taj Mahal.

Cut to: Rick et al. cutting through the outer fence to enter Zombie Correctional Facility. Rick tells who to position him/herself where to cover him as he makes a run for the gate. (I’m rather glad to hear him tell Carol she’s become a pretty good shot. Guess she decided to do more than wash and cook.) As the others shoot and impale zombies through the fence, Rick hauls ass through the zombie-filled yard, closes and locks the gate, then climbs up to a guard tower and joins the others as they finish up killing all the yard zombies. Hooping and hollering, everyone triumphantly enters the yard. Later, Theodore, Carl, Maggie, Glenn, Beth, Lori, and Hershel eat dinner around a fire while discussing plans to dig a canal to let water in and plant some crops. Rick patrols the gate. Daryl keeps watch atop an overturned bus. Carol brings him some food, tells him Rick’s gotten them farther than she ever thought he would. (Oh ye of little faith.) Then Daryl massages her sore shoulder and she jokingly asks him if he wants to fool around. They laugh. About to jump off the bus, Daryl says “I’ll go down first”; she responds, “Even better.” HAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAA! Hershel asks Beth to sing, and there are a few lovely, blessed moments of almost-normalcy as she and Maggie duet. Then Rick advises everyone to turn in; they’ve got a busy day of zombie clearing tomorrow, and it’ll mostly be hand-to-hand combat since they’re so low on ammo. As he heads off to take first watch, Lori approaches and tries to talk to him “about things we’ve been avoiding,” but Rick’s very much not in a chatty mood. The next morning, Rick, Theodore, Daryl, Maggie, and Glenn enter the uncleared portion of the yard. Zombies galore! Knifing, spearing, chopping, bashing, and slashing, they kill their way to an entry point, where progress is temporarily slowed by zombies in riot gear. Ha ha, nice touch.

Eventually, riot gear zombies are taken out, and the group enters the prison. They find a (mostly) zombie-free, secure cell block in which to crash, clear it, and let the others in. Lori thanks Rick, but he just walks off. Hershel, having wisely given up trying to keep Maggie away from “the Asian boy,” is reduced to chasing Carl out of Beth’s cell, ha ha.

In a pharmacy somewhere, Michonne makes short work of the zombies inside with her AWESOME sword, then finds some aspirin. She takes it back to Andrea, who’s in pretty bad shape, sweating and exhausted and coughing. Pneumonia or something, I guess.  (Fact: I NEED to know, forthwith, why Michonne keeps zombie prisoners.)

In her cell, Lori confides to Hershel that she’s afraid because she hasn’t felt the baby move in a while. She makes him promise that if she or the baby dies in childbirth, he will immediately kill them before they can turn. She says it would have been better if she’d never made it off the farm because Carl hates her, and after what she put Rick through with Shane, he can’t stand her. (Rick’s loathing I get, but where’d the Carl dislike come from?) Hershel says Rick’ll come around. Lori, Beth, Carol, and Carl stay behind while Rick, Theodore, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, and Hershel head off into the prison in search of the cafeteria and infirmary. OH MY GOD, CREEPIEST SCENES EVAR. It’s dark, they’re using flashlights, dead and partially eaten bodies are everywhere, they’re bumping into and spooking each other—then they round a corner and run smack into a zombie horde. And then a second horde! And then a third! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhh! Maggie and Glenn get separated. (--Time out.-- I repeat my oft-repeated threat from last season: if Glenn dies, I will find the writer responsible for killing him and make said writer very, very sorry. --Time back in.--) Maggie/Glenn and Rick et al. wait a few seconds to let the hordes pass, head out looking for each other, then find each other just as a zombie that was playing possum (No fair.) bites Hershel’s leg. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Rick shoots it; the noise brings the hordes. Dragging/carrying the wounded Hershel, everyone flees. They find a big empty room, secure the doors. Rick tourniquets Herschel’s leg, then grabs a hatchet from Hershel’s medical bag and hacks off the bitten lower leg, hoping to keep the wound from infecting and killing Hershel. Who, mercifully, faints. “He’s bleeding out,” (DUH.) Rick announces—and at that moment, several surviving prisoners leave their hiding place. (LOL, they [almost] all look like famous people.)

So, omg! How’re they gonna stop the bleeding? And even if they do, will Hershel zombify despite the amputation? If he does, who’ll help Lori deliver Rick’s-or-Shane’s baby? And keep Carl from dry-humping Beth?

The Walking Dead: Beside the Dying Fire, 3/18/2012

Just in case anyone was wondering, we’re shown how that many zombs got in the woods: they were a random cluster from the city drawn first by the sound of a helicopter, then by Shane’s and Carl’s gunfire. (Wait—a helicopter? So there’s still a military somewhere!)

Glenn and Daryl return to the farmhouse. Daryl reports that Randall got zombed, he was not bitten, and his and Shane’s tracks being together was suspicious. (In other words, Daryl knows Shane killed Randall.) Lori asks him to go back out and try to find Rick and Shane. Glenn stays; Andrea and Daryl head outside—and everyone sees the approaching zomb swarm. Doc tells Tricia to kill the lights. Andrea goes to get the guns. Glenn says maybe they’ll just pass by like the highway herd; maybe they should just wait it out in the house? Daryl says not unless there’s an escape tunnel; that many zombs’ll tear the house down. Lori realizes Carl’s missing.

Rick and Carl dart through the zomb horde, make it to the barn, lock themselves inside. They pour gasoline around. Carl climbs up into the loft. Rick throws open the doors then darts up the ladder; Carl drops a lighter, and there’s a zomb roast. At the farmhouse, everyone’s arming themselves and loading weapons. The plan is to load into the cars and lead the zombs away.
-- Daryl: You serious?
-- Doc: This is my farm. I’ll die here.
-- Daryl: All right. It’s as good a night as any.
LOL. Theodore drives while Andrea shoots from the truck. Maggie drives while Glenn shoots from the SUV. Daryl shoots from his motorcycle, then yells at Jimmy, who’s shooting from the RV, that Rick and Shane must’ve set the barn on fire. Swing around and see if he can see them. In the house, Lori’s running around frantically looking for Carl. Beth observes that the barn is on fire. Tricia says maybe Rick set the fire to draw the zombs. Nice guesswork, Daryl and Tricia. Jimmy pulls up to the barn; Rick and Carl hop onto the RV roof. For reasons I’ll never understand, Jimmy doesn’t drive off, and zombs break in and eat him. :( I guess he didn’t know Rick and Carl were on the roof. Rick and Carl climb down, hear Jimmy’s screams and see his blood on the windshield, realize he’s history, and take off running. (Observation: RV drivers die.)

Doc stands a few feet from the farmhouse, shooting and shooting and shooting. Tricia, Beth, Lori, and Carol yell for him to come with them; he doesn’t budge. They flee. The zombs get Tricia. :( Theodore and Andrea pull up; Lori and Beth hop in the truck; Andrea hops out to go get Carol. Andrea shoots a zomb; it falls on her; Theodore et al. assume she’s dead and Carol’s lost, drive off. Elsewhere, Glenn yells at Maggie that they have to leave; the farm can’t be saved. They go. At the house, Doc is still standing there, shooting. A zomb is about to sneak up on him from behind; Rick and Carl run up; Rick shoots it. Doc says he doesn’t know where Lori is. He doesn’t want to leave, but Rick convinces him, and the three of them hop in Doc’s truck and flee. They just miss Andrea. She grabs the ammo bag and takes off running. Doc gets in a final glance at his brightly burning barn as they drive off. Elsewhere, Daryl hears Carol’s screams and picks her up on his motorcycle just before the zombs get to her.


Holy shit. I’m exhausted.

Dawn breaks. Maggie is freaking out wondering about her family.
Glenn suggests they head for the highway; maybe everyone will be there. (Note: FAIL! People, you always have an in-case-we-get-separated-in-a-zomb-attack rendezvous point.) Maggie says no cuz that’s where the zombs came from. Glenn (wisely) switches with her so that he’s driving; then calms her down by telling her he loves her—AWWWWWWWW!—and it’ll be all right. Doc, Rick, and Carl, thinking like Glenn, pull up on the highway to see if anybody else will show up there. Carl’s mad cuz Rick won’t go back for Lori. Doc tells Rick to take Carl to a safe place; he (Doc) will stay behind and wait for the others to arrive, if they arrive at all. Rick doesn’t want to split up. In the truck, Beth and Lori want to go to the highway to see if their families are there. Theodore refuses to stop. Lori opens her door and threatens to jump out. He relents. Carol/Daryl, Maggie/Glenn, and Lori/Theodore/Beth arrive on the highway together. Joyful reunion time!!!! Rick asks Daryl how he found everyone; Daryl brings the funny, explains that he found Glenn cuz his driving is so bad Daryl figured it had to be an Asian. Glenn and I LOL. Oh Daryl, you endearingly bigoted bastard. There’s a who’s-dead check: Jimmy, Tricia, and Shane are goners; Andrea might’ve survived? But the chances are seriously like nil; plus, there’s no way to find her. The group heads east. The camera pans to … the note they left on a windshield for Sophia back when they were looking for her. :(

Cut to: Andrea running through the woods, gun in her hand, ammo bag over her shoulder, zombs in hot shuffling pursuit.

Rick stops the group; his vehicle’s almost out of gas. He says they should camp for the night and in the morning make a gas/supplies run. Beth says but what if zombs come thru, or a dangerous group like Randall’s, leading Daryl to say he found Randall dead by Shane’s hand and zombed but not bitten, leading Rick to admit what he’s known since the CDC: that everybody’s infected and will automatically zomb upon death. People are mad* that he never said anything. Glenn says he told everybody about the barn zombs; Rick should’ve told everyone they’re infected. Rick says he thought people were better off now knowing. He strides off, angry. Lori approaches and hugs him, says she’s sure he had his reasons. He tells her he killed Shane, that Shane killed Randall to lure Rick into the woods, Rick realized what he was doing but wanted it over because he was tired of Shane coveting her and Carl, Shane came at him and Rick killed him, Shane zombed, and Carl re-killed him. Lori looks like her head’s going to explode. She doubles over. Rick reaches for her; she knocks his hand away and storms off, furious**.

In the woods, an exhausted Andrea has three zombs on her tail. She drops the ammo bag, bashes the first one’s head in with her gun, knifes the second one thru the skull, and is struggling with the third one when out of nowhere, a shiny blade decapitates it. A shocked Andrea looks up to see a hooded female figure*** standing there, sword in hand, leading two armless, jawless zombs by chains. And I'm seriously all like WHOA! Who dat?

The group sits around a campfire. Carol whispers to Daryl that they don’t need to be around Rick and he’s dangerous. Daryl says, “No. Rick’s done all right by me” (HE’S DONE ALL RIGHT BY ALL OF YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS.), and that Rick is a man of honor. Damn right. Maggie tells Glenn that she thinks they should take their chances without Rick. Doc says don’t be foolish; there’s no food, fuel, or ammo. Damn right. They hear a noise in the woods. Everybody’s jumpy; Maggie says they should leave. Rick says nobody should go running off in the dark. Damn right. Carol says “Do something!” Rick says he IS doing something! He’s keeping the group safe! He killed Shane for the good of the group! And his hands are clean, because Shane lured him into the woods to kill him, and everybody knows Shane needed to be killed! (Carl starts crying. You idiots! You’re upsetting the child!) If anyone wants to go, Rick continues, go! But if they stay, this ain’t a democracy anymore. Nobody leaves. Damn right. It’s a Ricktocracy. (Credit: I stole that from The Talking Dead.)

The camera pans away to … a castle? manor? prison! in the woods. Setting for season three? Methinks yes. Best season finale EVAR? Methinks yes.

Discussion:
*I don’t get why everyone’s mad. Just what did Rick do that was so bad? WHO CARES if when you die you automatically zomb? What the hell difference does that make??? And we all remember how straightjacket-required crazy Jenner was; he could have been wrong. As Rick tried to explain to Lori, he didn’t know for sure Jenner was right until he saw Zomb Shane. Plus, after everything Rick has done for the good of the group, how dare they turn on him? HOW DARE THEY?????

** Lori can hop the happy hell off of her high horse. She has no right whatsoever to be upset about Shane. Hell, it might've been her ill-timed apology to Shane that set him off and made him want to kill Rick. And like two episodes ago she was whispering in Rick’s ear that he needs to do something about Shane. Well, he did. AND SHANE WAS GOING TO KILL RICK. So, why’s she mad? Maggie, Lori, and Carol need to take a Xanax or smoke a joint or something and calm the eff down. I’m mad that it’s the women completely losing their cool. I’m going to chalk it up to the stress of the night. Team Rick, Doc, and Daryl. And Theodore, since he didn’t make any anti-Rick statements. And since the black guy didn't die, for once. Yay!

***I haven’t read the comics, so I had to wait til The Talking Dead (I love you, Chris Hardwick.) to find out who that was. Michonne. Fan-favorite character. (Black chick! Yay! Black girl high five!!!) Total bad ass—although that part I figured out from the sword skills and mutilated zomb prisoners, lol. I’m already loving her and wanting to be BFFs. Plus, she saved Andrea. *hug*

The Walking Dead: 18 Miles Out, 2/26/12

We open with a horde of zombs exiting a window to chase weaponless Shane who barricades himself inside a school bus, some tied-up dude crawling on the ground toward a knife, and Rick in a dumpster.


I guess that will be explained later. So, Rick and Shane are driving along; Rick stops the car, asks about Otis. Shane admits he killed Otis to stay alive. Rick, thankfully, doesn’t launch into a lecture about right and wrong; he goes to the meat o’ the matter and asks Shane if Shane thinks that he (Rick) wouldn’t have killed Otis? Shane says no. Rick asks does Shane think he can’t keep Carl and Lori safe? Shane says he never said that. (SHANE IS A LIE TELLER.) It’s just that Rick can’t be the good guy and expect to survive. Rick tells him he (Rick) is not the good guy anymore, that it took everything he had to keep from hurting Shane when Rick found out about him and Lori, that he will stay alive to protect his family, that Shane doesn’t love Lori, and Shane better cease and desist all dangerous, mutinous behavior. Can Shane agree to all that? Shane says he wants Rick to know he never looked at Lori before*, and if he could take it all back, he would. Wtf, Shane? Is that a yes or a no? Rick checks on a bound, hooded, earphoned, and gagged Randall in the trunk of the car.

(*Oh, bullshit. Just last episode, Shane told Lori what they had “was a long time coming,” [to which she immediately shot back, “It was NOT!”], so again, SHANE IS A LIE TELLER.)

In the kitchen, Maggie tells Lori about her Glenn problems. Lori tells her Glenn is a big boy and he can make his own choices and she doesn’t have anything to apologize for, and tell Glenn to man up and pull himself together. Two thumbs up to all of that. Lori takes a tray of food to Beth so Maggie can go talk to Glenn. She drops off the tray, tells Beth to eat up then they’ll go for a walk. Beth, instead, wants to discuss what I’ve been yelling since Lori first peed on a stick: “You’re pregnant? How could you do that?” Lori answers, “I don’t have much of a choice.” No, dammit! She’s not asking why you’re having the baby; she’s asking why you were dumb enough to get knocked up in the first place! (See: Maggie, who waited until she had condoms!)

Shane and Rick find a good place to drop Randall off. They scavenge for supplies after using knives instead of guns to take out two zombs, a tactic Rick wants to start using as much as possible. As Rick siphons gasoline, Shane comments that he doesn’t see any bites on the two dead zombs. Rick says they must’ve been infected through scratches. (I’m assuming that bit of info will come back in a major way later.)

Lori checks on Beth, finds her crying about how pointless it all is. Lori pep talks; Beth thanks her. But that “thank you” had more of an stfu feel to it to me. Lori takes the tray to the kitchen, realizes the knife is missing, and rushes back to get it from Beth, who’s hiding it under the covers. Lori runs to go ask Andrea to find Maggie or Herschel, then hurries back to the house. I would’ve just waited for somebody to happen by, not left Beth alone in a house with a kitchen full of knives.

Shane and Rick take a bound, hooded, earphoned, and gagged Randall out of the trunk of the car, remove the hood, phones, and gag, leave him a knife, and walk away. Randall starts begging them not to leave him alone … and he will not stfu. FAIL. He should wriggle his trussed ass over to the knife, free himself, and get about the business of surviving, not sit there helpless and tied up and screaming loudly enough to attract all zombs within a three-mile radius. Idiot. But it kind of works, cuz one of the many things he yells is that he went to school with Maggie. Shane and Rick freeze. Well hell’s bells, that means he knows where she lives and where the farm is. All their can’t-find-his-way-back precautions were for naught. Shane whips out his gun and BOOM tries to kill Randall, but Rick knocks the shot off target. “Not now!” Rick yells. So of course Shane says this is yet another example of Rick trying to be the good guy instead of doing what’s smartest for his family. And he can’t keep them safe. Rick loses it and throws a punch; he and Shane brawl. Like, intensely brawl. Shane even tips a motorcycle over onto Rick, lol. But they accomplish nothing more than disarming and bloodying each other. Shane throws a wrench at Rick; he misses spectacularly and it goes through a window with a mighty crash—and suddenly we’re at the opening scene. Zombs come pouring out and give chase. Rick kills one and hides under it. A zomb notices wriggling Randall and approaches; he cuts his legs free just in time, stomps on it and breaks its arm to slow it down, gets his hands free, then knifes it to death. Impressive. Rick manages to get to his gun and kill three zombs who fall on top of him, the last one by shooting through the head of the first one. Ha! That's like that scene in The Last Crusade, when Indy kills like five Nazis by shooting just one bullet.

In the kitchen, as they listen to Maggie and Beth yell at each other, Andrea and Lori also argue. Andrea says that Lori taking the knife from Beth was wrong, just as it was wrong when Dale took her gun from her. GET OVER IT ALREADY, ANDREA. But then I’m Team Andrea when Lori makes me want to punch her in the face telling Andrea that instead of helping the men defend the farm, Andrea should be helping with all the chores. (Say it with me, ladies: WTF?!???) They have it out. Lori says that Andrea refusing to help with chores means more work for the rest of the girls. Andrea says defense is more important than clean clothes. (Um, YES.) Lori says sitting on top of the RV working on her tan isn’t contributing much. Andrea say she’s on walker watch up there, bitch (Ok, I addded that "bitch."), and Lori needs to stfu because all the rest of them have lost people, but Lori’s husband and son both came back from the dead, and now she’s got a baby on the way to boot, so her head is clearly in the clouds. And then she storms off. Disappointing. I wanted them to have a Rick/Shane-style brawl right there in the kitchen and Andrea to kick Lori’s skinny ass. In the bedroom, Beth tells Maggie that there’s no point to living, that eventually the farm will be overrun and nobody will protect them, that they should kill themselves together. Tonight. Andrea knocks, volunteers to sit with Beth so Maggie can get some rest. Soon as Maggie leaves, Andrea leaves. Soon as Andrea leaves, Beth goes to the bathroom, locks the door, breaks the mirror, slits a wrist. Lori and Maggie break in, find her bleeding. Later, Andrea hears Beth tried to off herself, comes running up to the house, asks Maggie if Beth’s ok. Maggie says she’ll live; the cuts weren’t deep. A satisfied Andrea says that means Beth made her choice and wants to live. A furious Maggie orders Andrea away and tells her never to enter the farmhouse again. Andrea leaves. Lori surprises me and sticks up for Andrea, says that what Andrea did was extreme but at least now Beth has decided not to kill herself.

Rick and Randall find each other; through the bus windows, Shane sees them leave. He should be glad, right? I mean, since Rick’s finally doing the right thing and saving himself instead of risking his life to save other people, and all. Just kidding; Rick ain’t leaving. He and Randall go get the car. Randall driving, Rick shooting, they come speeding through guns-ablazing, firing on the zomb horde. Shane runs out the back of the bus and jumps in the car window, and they're off. Later, Shane and Rick stop the car to put a re-bound, re-hooded, re-earphoned, re-gagged Randall back in the trunk, have a chat. Rick says, “If you want to kill me, you’re going to have to do better than a ranch.” (I didn’t exaggerate. He said “ranch” instead of “wrench.”) He says he probably will end up having to kill Randall, but he wants a night to think about it. He repeats that it’s his wife, his son, his baby, and Shane is going to have to follow his lead. Shane AGAIN doesn’t say yea or nay, but he takes the gun Rick’s offering, and they head on down the road.

(Random: check out Jon Bernthal [Shane] in a 2002 episode of Law & Order. Nice guns, Jon.)