Monday, April 2, 2012

Spartacus: Wrath of the Gods, 3/30/2012

Everyone sits around small campfires. Mira tells Sparty that firewood is almost gone, and so is the food, but he will find a way to get them out of this awful sitch, as he always has. He says just as she can always find words to cheer him up. “A talent I pray your next woman holds,” she responds. Nice. No use moping over or getting mad about or futilely trying to fix Sparty’s irreparably broken heart. Stay friendly and move on. Atta girl. Crixus and Gannicus come running up then, inform Sparty that Nemetes and a few others are about to foolishly try to breach the Romans at the foot of the mountain path. Uh oh.

At the foot of the mountain path, Ashur, big Egyptian at his side, arrives to tell captain dude that Glaber requests his presence. Just then, ffffft! An arrow kills a soldier. Nemetes and friends ataaaaaaack! Alas, they are quickly bested. Ashur is just about to kill Ludo when, fffffft! An arrow shot by Mira gets him in the arm. She, Sparty, Agron, Crixus, Gannicus et al. ataaaaaaaack! They fight like they’re possessed by demons and hopped up on speed. “Fall back!” screams the captain—who is hiding behind a tree, lol. (Battle strategy FAIL: there shoulda been way more soldiers posted at the foot of the mountain path.) Sparty wounds Big E and is about to kill him when everyone realizes back-up soldiers are rapidly closing in. They grab their wounded and are retreating when the captain grows some balls, leaves the protection of the tree, snatches up an axe, and throws it at Sparty. He misses. It hits Mira in the chest. Sparty removes the axe and picks her up; everyone flees up the path. By the time they reach the top of the mountain, she’s dead. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sparty, understandably furious, punches Nemetes in face. They fight. Sparty screams at him that he got Mira killed. Nemetes screams back that Sparty’s the one who led them all to their deaths, and at least Mira got to die as a warrior and not starve and freeze to death on a mountaintop. The words hit home. Sparty says yep, that’s totally what’s going to happen to them … if they don’t work together. As long as they hold the high ground, they have advantage over the Romans’ greater numbers. Nemetes says all Glaber will do is wait til they’re too starved and weak to fight; then attack. Oenomaus, who still has a commanding presence despite being one-eyed, speaks up in that deep, calming voice of his in support of Sparty. Later, Gannicus and Sparty share a moment. Sparty says he always thought Sparty was a fool, but now he sees that Sparty’s actually a pretty decent dude, and if Gannicus has to die, at least he’ll die among brothers. THAT BETTER NOT BE FORESHADOWING, DAMMIT.

The captain dude has the lone captive brought back to Gaius for questioning, but he can’t speak English, so Gaius kills him and instead asks Ashur about Sparty. Ashur says he looked “deadly” (Ooooooh. That description just made Sparty even sexier.), but also that there’s nothing to eat up there. Gaius says they’ll keep waiting until Sparty et al. are desperate from hunger.

Lucretia and Ilithya are riding in a carriage for a quick visit to Vesuvius. Now that Gaius and Ilithya are all lovey-dovey again, she wants to be near him. Lucretia sadly says that it’s a blessing to be with a husband feared lost. Ilithya tells her to fret not; she’ll talk to Gaius about finding Lucretia a good husband. Lucretia tells her he’s already promised her to Ashur. “Ashur??!???” says a completely horrified Ilithya. Lucretia says she’s not about to take this lying down and takes out Seppius’s bracelet. Ilithya says whatever the plan is, she’ll help. YAY! My desire to see rapists get what’s coming to them outweighs my dislike of Lucretia.

Ashur sits with his crew of hired murderers, telling them that they will be the first gladiators in his House of Ashur. The women arrive. Ilithya tells Lucretia to chill out while she talks to Gaius. Not one to miss an opportunity to torment his rape victim, Ashur saunters over to Lucretia for a chat. Ilithya and Gaius greet each other with a warm hug and kiss; he promises her the Sparty thing will be over and done with in plenty of time for “their” child to be born in Rome; she’s like, ok great and one more thing, and hands him Seppius’s bracelet. She tells him she found it while having the Seppia mess cleaned up, and that her slave saw Ashur give it to Seppia, so that’s how Seppia knew Gaius had killed Seppius. Gaius says he’ll take care of Ashur, and she needs to take care of Lucretia. UH OH. Ilithya exits, nods at Lucretia, who smiles and kisses Ashur, knowing she’ll never see him again. The women leave. Gaius, soldiers at his side, confronts Ashur about the bracelet. Ashur insists he’s never even spoken to Seppia; Gauis of course doesn’t believe him; he and his soldiers draw their swords. Ashur and his peeps draw their swords. Ashur says he’s being framed; he and his men will simply leave; Gaius tells the men that he’ll give them each 1,000 denari if they’ll turn on Ashur. There is no honor among thieves or murderers, so they all instantly turn on him. Ashur pretends to surrender, muttering “You f*cking cunts.” (I wonder, is he talking about them or Lucretia and Ilithya?) Then, though he knows it’s futile, he attacks. Big E disarms him and is about to slit his throat. Gaius tells Big E to wait, says he’ll give Ashur a chance to prove his allegiance to Gaius.

Sparty wraps Mira’s body in his robe and in vines. Ashur is sent up the mountain to him to deliver Gaius’s terms of surrender. Crixus (who, you’ll remember, hates Ashur because it was Ashur who told Lucretia that Crixus and Naevia were banging, which is what got Naevia sent to the mines) rushes forward to kill Ashur; Sparty stops him. Ashur tells everyone if they lay down their weapons and surrender, they will not be killed. Well, nobody but Sparty, that is. Sparty’s all, but you’ll be slaves. Ashur’s all, yeah but you’ll be alive; if you refuse, you’ll all be crucified. Nemetes is all, “I’ll die a free man!” and there are cries of “F*ck the Romans!” and “Syrian cunt!” Ashur turns to leave; Crixus is all like, if we send your head tumbling down the mountain, Gaius will get the message. Ashur tries to smooth talk his way out of the sitch, says that Crixus has a sword but he is unarmed. Sparty throws a sword at Ashur’s feet. Ashur’s all, but I’m wounded. Crixus is all, so what? And he raises his sword to kill Ashur—but then Naevia is like, no, let me do it. O! M! G! While they’re fighting I’m so nervous I can’t stand it. But she wins! SHE WINS!!!! And it’s sooooo satisfying, too. She elbows and then slices him in the junk then cuts his throat, then he chokes out a few insults, then she chops off his head after three blows. (Which is what should happen to all rapists. And child molesters.) YAY NAEVIA. I’m bouncing up and down on the bed, beside myself with glee. Crixus hugs her and tells her he’ll teach her how to remove a head cleanly with one blow. Which is gladiator-speak for “I love you more than I am capable of expressing.” Sparty orders Ashur’s head put on a stake on the path as answer to Glaber. Ludo says oh well, now we’re all going to be crucified, and Sparty says that that would have happened—DUH!!!—no matter what the response to Gaius had been. Nemetes, who can kind of be an asshole, says too bad there aren’t enough vines for all our corpses. Agron yells at him to stfu … but the cruel jab gives Sparty a really good idea. (I still would’ve punched Nemetes in his damn mouth again.) Gaius is shown Ashur’s head, says he was expecting that. (LOL.) He tells the men to eat up and rest well. They attack at the crack of dawn.

At the crib, Lucretia stands on a balcony and throws the red wig Ashur was making her wear over the cliff. Ilithya is just about to give her a push and send her hurtling after the wig—then Ilythia’s water unexpectedly breaks. Ilithya’s all like, no, this is too soon; Lucretia’s all like, this is a sign from the gods that the child must be born here.

On the mountaintop, the vines are being braided into strong rope. Nasir reports to Sparty that there is enough for four men. Sparty chooses Agron, Crixus, and Gannicus to go with him. Crixus and Naevia kiss goodbye (What, no Agron-Nasir kiss? Boo!), Sparty gives a rousing speech, Oenomaus takes the foreposition on Gannicus’s rope—YAY!!!—and they are lowered down the mountain. They make swift work of the two guards posted at the cliff base, then sneak to the catapults, take out the guards there, and start firebombing the soldiers’ camp. Nice. Oenomaus et al. see the glowing balls hurtling through the night sky and prepare for battle. Gaius and his soldiers come upon Sparty, Agron, Crixus, and Gannicus in the forest. “Kill them!” Gaius yells, and the soldiers rush forward—and then Oenomaus et al. attack them from the rear.

Ilithya is in labor, screaming for the doctor; Lucretia tells he’s not there since the baby wasn’t due for weeks. But, she says, she sent the guards for him, and she’ll find something for the pain. She leaves. We hear an off-camera scream. Lucretia comes back not with medicine but with a bloody knife, and kills the slave girl attending to Ilithya. “There. No one left to come between us.” I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU! I’ve been saying all season that Lucretia is up to something! And I was right! She! Wants! That! Baby! “You are but a vessel carrying a gift from the gods to the house of Batiatus,” Lucretia says. “Now then. Let us see it unwrapped.” Ilithya screams.

Once more, Sparty and crew fight like they’re possessed by demons and hopped up on speed. “Fall back!” screams Gaius. “Press advantage!” screams Sparty. The battle wages furiously. Gannicus goes up against Big E, who knocks him down and is about to kill him when Oenomaus intervenes. Big E stabs Oenomaus through the stomach. Gannicus screams in fury and hacks off part of Big E’s head. *happy sigh* He holds a dying Oenomaus, who says that he’s going go to his wife’s arms and that he’ll greet Gannicus as brother in the afterlife, then dies. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gaius and the soldiers have retreated to the temple. Before they can catch a breath, Sparty et al. come surging over the wall. Sparty heads straight for Gaius.

A smiling, bloody Ilithya carries a baby toward the cliff edge in the yard. Ilithya, still alive and leaving a trail of blood, belly-crawls after her, screaming her name. Ilithya manages to get to her feet. “Please,” she gasps out—and then Lucretia does what I was very not expecting and throws herself over the cliff edge with the child in her arms. :( Oh. I guess she wanted a baby to take with her to the afterlife to be reunited with Quintus. One big happy dead family. Psycho bitch. Ilithya faints.

SPARTY KILLS GAIUS. BY STABBING HIM THROUGH THE MOUTH WITH A SWORD . Omg, yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. The episode ends with everyone chanting “Spartacus! Spartacus!”

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